Best Chinese Jokes | Jim Gaffigan Stand-Up Compilation

we need our food fast that's the real appeal of chinese food yeah but chinese food almost comes too quickly you're like yeah i will have oh there it is how'd you know i even wanted that fastest to prepare slowest to eat i prefer the chinese restaurants that have the silverware on the table when you arrive because there's nothing more humiliating than starting with chopsticks and having to turn to the waiter and be like uh yeah hi uh i'm too white oh dee do you have a shovel back there i wish i like seafood i do i live in near chinatown in new york cause i'm chinese and like most china towns a lot of the restaurants in chinatown have live seafood tanks in the windows and i'm always like uh do you want us to come in there are these sea monsters protecting your establishment because aya is scared and i love chinese food and i love the chinese culture and i'm not just saying that because we're all gonna be working for them in six months the chinese have an amazing culture they do three thousand years ago they were doing brain surgery in china yet they still haven't figured out dessert you ever go to a chinese restaurant i'm not talking about the fancy chinese restaurant that is the tea ice cream that tastes like a pack of menthol cigarettes i'm talking about a regular chinese restaurant with the dessert options there's two right there's sliced oranges i don't want to overwork the kitchen oranges what did a schooner just arrive from the caribbean looks like our scurvy's cured fellas they're sliced oranges or there's the fortune cookie which is not even a chinese thing it's an american thing and we gave it to them and they're like we don't want it and we're like it's now part of your ethnic identity do you feel like the fortune in every fortune cookie should be you are about to eat a stale cookie hey my fortune came true everyone has the same reaction to fortune cookies so i was like these things are so stupid what does mine say like there's some ancient wisdom in there as if confucius himself was putting a tiny piece of paper into a tiny tie writer happiness is a long journey 15 31 12. put this in a stale cookie for me which it's like they wait for them to be still how old are these 1990 let's wait a little longer i do feel sorry for the person who created the cookie that ended up being the fortune cookie because they were probably pretty proud they're like hey you gotta try my new cookie tell me you think of it try me a cookie tell me what you think all right i'll try it there you go oh you know what this could use is some paper oh this would be good for holding a note or a recipe for a good cookie how much do you think i could charge for i give it away with a check you got a bucket around here did some shows in china all in chinese picked it up at the y it's not that hard it wasn't that complicated you visit some places and you think all right there's a language barrier but i could get by and china was like oh if i got lost i would die here i wouldn't last a half a day everyone's looking at me like i'm a ghost anyway the chinese were very nice they were fascinated with my pale blonde children many of them wanted pictures with my kids they didn't really ask they just grabbed a can i have a picture with this one i guess you're gonna and when they were done with the picture they would rub my blonde kid's head cause you know they're my kids but they're also lucky objects and after this happened a couple times i was like hey we should charge right china was fascinating and exhausting i brought my kids to the great wall we saw the terracotta warriors we walked through the forbidden city we rode in a rickshaw and when we were leaving i asked my five-year-old i said what was your favorite part of china and he said i like that time we saw the truck with the pigs on it because at one point we were stuck in traffic and this truck pulled up and it had pigs in cages and that was his favorite part after the 15-hour flight and i remember when that truck pulled up because i remember looking at those pigs and feeling sorry for them but those pigs looked happy they were it was almost like the pigs were looking at me and my five screaming kids going well at least we're not that slob i've been on tour through asia for two weeks i went to nine cities and six countries it's been amazing and uh and i've loved every moment of it even walking around tiananmen square and seeing all the chinese look at me like i was a circus animal what is that i too am human really kind of kind of i've loved asia i wish i was asian but i can't get in that kind of shape i mean look at me i don't know how you asians do it it doesn't make sense what if we only ate rice and never gained weight let's do that that probably sounds racist because uh well looking like this everything sounds racist you know it comes with the skin complexion but i love it i always try and sample the local food when i visit all these different countries in taiwan i had a a tea egg which is uh essentially a hard-boiled egg that's cooked in tea and now that that might sound gross but it was it was very gross but it was the best alternative i was with my friend she was like you can either have the tea egg or you can have a thousand-year-old egg and i was like well i can think of like a thousand reasons not to have the thousand year egg so i started eating the tea egg a bit in and the yolk was green and it wasn't saint patrick's day or anything and i was like uh is this this is you know because you know like some food when it turns green i don't know that's concerning that's when you usually stop i looked around everyone was continuing to eat their tea egg and i was like you know what taiwan they got good medical here so i ate it but i love taiwan very complex every asian country obviously very complex and unique but like there's there's mysteries in all of them right you know like in taiwan you know they are chinese people but they uh it's the country is called the republic of china but it's not china and they get angry there this isn't china we're taiwan and we're chinese you're like okay okay okay that sounds good taiwan i had a uh soup dumpling for the first time now when i heard that they're like we're going to get soup dumpling and i'm like great all right i thought there was like soup with dumplings in it nope it's a dumpling with soup in it because you know who i think we were all were tired with eating soup a normal way right yeah it's like well how exhausting was that soup dumpling which i don't know who that's for you know it's like do you like dumplings and also burning your mouth because then you're gonna love our soup dumpling i don't even i i don't even think that was the initial idea like that was i think the person was given a different assignment and like the boss came back and he was like i did it i put all the soup in the dumplings if your dad didn't own this company ah that's not what i asked for okay then you're not gonna like the cottage cheese and the water balloon either no i don't think so all right somebody probably the most disgusting food item i've tried in asia is uh the stinky tofu which is um you know sure you know it's not for everyone it's like you have to really like tofu and enjoy the smell of a public restroom first of all calling it stinky tofu is like probably the biggest undercell i've ever seen that's not stinky that is like it's not stinky doesn't make you gag i don't know and they're like it's like fried tofu i'm like fried in what diarrhea i don't jim that's disgusting that is truly disgusting still getting used to the uh the asian concept of space it's a little different you know like if i'm standing here in asia everyone's standing like hey how you doing uh did we date before or can you can you put on a condom i don't even let my wife stand this close there's an apparent shortage of napkins in all of asia there's there is it's just a cultural difference you ask for napkins in asia and they're like so suspicious they're like it's like you asked for their pin code to their credit card or something what do you need them for i don't know wipe my mouth but that's just the asians are better at eating you know westerners were just like oh shoot missed my mouth again whereas asians are like i can do it with two sticks better than you you guys have a fork and you miss still [Music] still some debate whether a napkin is a tissue in asia too right have you noticed that you're like sit down at a restaurant they give you a box of tissues i'm like i don't know i don't have a cold i was in beijing sat down in a restaurant and looked to the right there was a roll of toilet paper how bad is the food here you know what you're going to need this you're going to need it right here at the table ironically one in the bathroom no toilet paper different ancient cultures different strengths right yeah uh you know korea and and thailand amazing food japanese japanese toilet masterpiece no masterpiece i don't know if i need the heated seat you know i don't you know you know what's comfortable feeling like your butt has the flu i don't know that's not for me japanese toilet masterpiece chinese toilet not there yet some place is not there at all like there's doing things differently and then just go you're not gonna have a toilet or we're gonna go no toilet there's sometimes there's a urinal but not a toilet you're like what didn't it show up or something we're still waiting on those toilets uh just open up i did a show in beijing the day of the show got an email they're like hey just wanted to give you a heads up there's no toilet at the venue and i was like well is this an outdoor show and it was a beautiful theater it was like this theater beautiful theater no toilet felt like a design flaw like the architect they're like hey before you open up the theater i just i forgot oh shoot i knew i forgot something they were very polite at the venue they're like if you really have to go you there's a hospital nearby talk about an emergency room i mean it's weird you know the squat toilet that's what it's called squat toilet which is like no toilet it's like even calling it a toilet is dishonest it's just a hole right that's where my adventurous i love cultures stops like the whole toilet i'm like i'm out i'm out you know what i mean you know and i was like in beijing and i was like you know what i'll wait i'll wait till i get to hong kong yeah i'm just gonna i don't first of all i don't know if i can physically do that i don't know if i can do that and i can't do that name that's for sure you know i mean it was just like it was too much and then you know but i've encountered that in other travels in istanbul i encountered the whole toilet and by whole i don't mean an entire toilet i mean like a hole and there was in istanbul there was the hole and then there were two huge footprints i don't know why the footprints were there maybe to stop people from fishing i don't know and like i don't know why the footprints were there you're like oh wow this is where bigfoot went poop i don't know i had been to beijing before the last time i was in beijing uh there was a smog alert so everyone was wearing the mask you know i was like wow a lot of surgeons here and uh you know there was the mass you know you'll see you'll see mass for different reasons you know like in in different countries you know like in china they wear the mass because there's all the pollution in korea they were the mass because of the chinese pollution and in japan they wear the mask because they're crazy i uh but like there was this there wasn't it there was no smuggler at this time but last time i was there there was a smog alert and everyone at beijing was very nice they're like sorry about the weather and i'm like i don't think it's the weather i don't think the weather is turning the sun purple i'm just gonna go on a limb there so many different uh countries have palaces i went to the palace here in seoul it was beautiful there's different types of palaces you know like there's a bunch of them in thailand there's a lot of palaces in china though beijing that's like the ultimate palace because it's the forbidden city it's like that emperor was like you know what how about a palace and a city like that's like how do you justify that you know like i love my subjects but i'm gonna need my own city something where people can't go in there i just so i went to the forbidden city and then i went across town to the summer palace after the forbidden city how do you justify the summer palace was the emperor like you know this forbidden city is cool but what about summer and they're like well you have the whole city we could uh do something yeah yeah yeah but summer they were like what you would you want us to we i guess we could we could build you another palace if you want to i mean if you're up for it yeah what would you want you would you want it on the coast or something and he said no no no no just there i can just put it over there where i could walk to it i'd prefer to walk to my palace hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 463,318

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Id: nBIFMrlSJWQ

Length: 17min 15sec (1035 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 13 2020