Best Fast Food Jokes Compilation | Jim Gaffigan

hi everyone this is a compilation of mega compilation of all the fast food jokes eat friends i've done over my career over the nine or ten specials depending on whether you include other ones anyway if you enjoy the video please hit subscribe i'll be posting a new video every day at 10 a.m during this crazy time we are living in also turn on your notifications if you want to be notified of the daily video take care of yourself i know i look like a mess because i am a mess this is weird here's fast food we're never satisfied when it comes to food you know be good on this burger a ham sandwich instead of a bun let's use two donuts that way we can have it for breakfast look out mcgrettl here comes the donut ham hamburger you guys laugh but you know there's someone at dunkin donuts going that's not a bad idea then we could have the diet donut ham hamburger because we need the variety we want our food fast too don't we that's why we really love those value meals just have to say a number two soon you won't have to speak it'll just be a noise all right i'll supersize it we need our food fast that's the real appeal of chinese food yeah but chinese food almost comes too quickly you're like yeah i will have oh there it is how'd you know i even wanted that fastest to prepare slowest to eat i prefer the chinese restaurants that have the silverware on the table when you arrive because there's nothing more humiliating than starting with chopsticks and having to turn to the waiter and be like uh yeah hi uh i'm too white oh do you do you have a shovel back there uh chopsticks are fun but i'd rather eat them play operation yeah that's weird we're lazy about our food we have people deliver it to us yeah i like your food uh just not enough to go down there and get it delivery is really a combination my two favorite activities eating and not moving worst part of delivery is getting up and answering the door oh this is a pain in the ass what am i the butler well at least i have to put on pants hand it over we're getting lazier it's just a matter of time yeah i want delivery and i'm going to need someone to feed me no i know i'll be in the tub next he is under the map chip chop chip chip chop chip i don't even know what chip chop chip is supposed to mean i'm not good at ordering delivery i always think i'm ready i never am i always get that order panic delivery what you want oh you got food there yes we have food what do you want uh uh let me write it down i'll call you back i wasn't ready for the trick questions i am i try to rationalize what i eat but there's some food there's no reason to ever eat like a cinnabon i mean tell me that place is run by satan you ever eat a cinnabon you have to take a nap halfway through oh i think i need some insulin and a wheelbarrow for my half a bun it's kind of generous calling that a bun it's the size of a beanbag chair should i sit in it or eat it hey i could sit in it and eat it oh this is sticky without pants on he has his pants off and a lot of jokes how about that i've got that cinnabon odor you ever been walking through the mall you're like what's that smell oh i just got a cavity damn cinnabons hey i've done some humiliating things but standing in that cinnabon line is up there everyone's so filled with shame no one's trying to make eye contact i'm just here for the napkins on a pig like you guys because there's no reason to have a cinnabon i've tried to find one yeah so i'm about to get on a plane uh how about eight pounds of cake it feels reasonable a little dessert on the go you read fast food in front of a vegetarian they look at it like you're barbecuing a kitten oh my god you're eating that yeah and i'm not gonna digest it for a decade come along with me my problem is i love all the food that's bad for you like bacon we know you like bacon fried chicken you ever put a piece of fried chicken on a paper napkin you come back and the napkins turn into liquid fried chicken can't be good for you really i mean one of the serving sizes is bucket isn't that how we feed farm animals a bucket of fried chicken a silo a pepsi and a trough of pig slop make the peg slot die at speaking at pig slop have you tried one of those kfc bowls it's like kfc as a corporation decided you know all our crap tastes the same why we're just throwing in a bowl and i'll tell you it's delicious there's a layer of mashed potatoes a layer of corn a layer of cigarette butts a couple of apple cores it's like charlotte's web where's templeton popeyes is my favorite front chicken i love popeyes i love that name oh i get it popeye was a sailor and your food goes through me like a torpedo that makes sense pop i ate spinach and now i have dysentery pop i had muscles i can't stand up maybe they're not talking about the cartoon character popeye maybe they're talking about what happens to your eyes after you eat the food i gotta go to the bathroom sunken donuts dunkin donuts new england loves their dunkin donuts some people love dunkin donuts too much duncan uh i think they're just making donuts not curing lupus i like dunkin donuts but have you been to a dunkin donuts that doesn't have a homeless guy standing in front is that part of the design plans there'll be an entrance here a deranged lunatic here there's always a guy standing out there like they're ronald mcdonald dunkin donuts it's an interesting concept really it's almost as if a.a opened their own restaurant what should we have coffee donuts maybe a little honesty hi my name's jim i haven't had a donut in 30 seconds i don't know how dunkin donuts even stays in business they sell 3 000 donuts what do they make 30 bucks whenever i go in there it seems like they're trying to get rid of the donuts like yeah i'll have a six donuts that'll be three dollars but if you get a dozen it's a nickel how much or two does we give you ten bucks they're either trying to get rid of them or trying to get us addicted you're buying a couple of donuts you open it up and there's some free munchkins in there those are the gateway donuts first time's always free now at some locations they have dunkin donuts and baskin robbins in the same building it's like a marriage made in obesity finally dunkin donuts is offering something for dessert donuts and ice cream it's like two pairs of dirty underwear i eat the fast food i do amazing how our attitude on fast food changes when you're a kid it's your favorite place but as an adult you look at fast food like someone you used to date i can't believe i ever went there then the next night well it's late and i'm drunk so we're all so embarrassed to eat fast food you ever go in there everyone's sitting by themselves they're hunched over wearing a ski mask don't tell my wife i'm here they know we're embarrassed to eat fast food that's why they invented the drive-through look no one has to see it just drive around back we'll hand it out the window that drive-through is pretty convenient right except for that final stretch for your food you're like uh can you bring your building closer to my car do i have to do everything what a pain in the ass why is he reaching out the passenger side of the car these fast food places are so fast and easy they've ruined me for regular restaurants whenever i'm in a regular restaurant i'm always like let's see i will order the hamburger where is it sir how would you like your hamburger done uh right now where is it and can you wrap it in paper so i feel like i'm opening a present or maybe put it in a styrofoam clam shell and present it like an engagement ring i do too bad all the food fast food plays so bad for you i love how there's the option of a milkshake you're like well i shouldn't but i'm in a hurry so i'll get a burger and fries and to drink i'll have the large cup of melted ice cream do you have an ekg machine back there most restaurants try and set a mood you know you go in there you're like i feel like i'm in a tuscan villa fast food places are brightly lit smell like disinfectant the furniture is bolted down where am i a mental institution we gotta get out of here i love the fast food i do wish it was there when they decided on the size of those ketchup packets i'm not saying i need a gallon but maybe enough for more than one fry i always end up opening 20 i look like a heroin addict i'm gonna party once i get set up here has anyone ever used just one ketchup packet do you have a half of a quarter of an ounce of ketchup it's just so darn rich i need a resealable packet one that i could store in my purse they always give you three packets when you go back up and ask for more the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight enjoy ketchup glutton sometimes printed on the ketchup packet they'll say not for resale i didn't know that was an issue i've been to a lot of flea markets no ketchup packets you know what if you're in a position where you have to sell ketchup packets i don't think that's going to hold you back we need money maybe we should sell these ketchup oh we can it says not for resale dang it if you're lucky you'll get a ketchup packet that's labeled as fancy ketchup ketchup you're being modest you're way more than fancy you're elegant i know it's all relative but what kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy well we ain't rich folk but on special occasions i'll break out the ketchup grandma's birthday make her feel like a celebrity gotcha some fast food places they have that ketchup pump it's like a keg they give you the paper shot glass was like to hang around there try and meet the ladies here i'll pump for you you come to this wendy's often my roommate now we got a pony pump back in my dorm here's an extra shot for your cute fred how many shots of ketchup do you get i usually get like three but if i've had a bad day i'll get five my wife thinks i'm trash because i use a lot of ketchup on my sushi i find it gets rid of the fish flavor how about those people that don't use ketchup what do they call it again al-qaeda the upside down bottle of ketchup have you seen that do you think it's a little embarrassing how long it took us to come up with the upside down bottle it was only like six months ago some guy was like you know we only use it like this why don't we just put the cap on the bottom have people been complaining ketchup is hard to get out of the bottle for like 100 years i'll talk to our gravity experts ketchup is hard to get out of a bottle and i was like you guys go on without me here just leave me water you ever been given one of those tiny ketchup bottles for like 90 glass this is adorable but i want ketchup not a christmas ornament i'll put this with my other glass menagerie i i never thought i'd miss a bacon joke salsa is like the mexican ketchup marinara's the italian ketchup and british food is terrible actually vinegar vinegar is the british ketchup how bad is your food when adding vinegar improves it you know what i use vinegar for cleaning windows the british are our only allies why would he be so reckless with his edgy ketchup jokes speaking of diapers i went to waffle house last night tell you i thought the ihop was a dump until i went into a waffle house well they're not even trying in there [Applause] here's something you'll never hear in the waffle house nice job cleaning up now if you've never been to a waffle house just imagine a gas station bathroom that sells waffles you've been to a waffle house i love waffle house and not just because watching someone fry an egg while they're smoking reminds me of my dad it's the people in there it's like a white trash convention or for me a family reunion it's so white trash in there it makes the ihop appear international i've seen a gun five times in my life three of them have been a waffle house it's definitely a dangerous feel to them you know even the waffle house sign looks like a ransom note there's always a letter out occasionally the w so it'll read awful house that's where i want to go at 2 a.m that's when everyone goes their slogan should be it's 2 a.m still time to make one more bad decision we go in there you go in there everyone's drunk you know everyone's drunk and waffle house because they have pictures of the food on the menu how drunk do you have to be to not remember what a waffle looks like oh yeah it's like a plaid pancake i'll have 12 of those for a nickel you ever go in a waffle house during the day that's weird this place looks familiar i think i threw up in here oh there it is [Applause] there's some thin people at my gym i saw this one woman she was so skinny you could actually see her ribs and all i could think was i haven't had a mcrib in forever and those are delicioso i reference mcdonald's a lot because i go to mcdonald's i love the silence that follows that statement like i just admitted to support dog fighting or something oh good you mcdonald's it's fun telling people you go to mcdonald's they always give you that look like oh i didn't know i was better than you no one admits to going to mcdonald's they sell 6 billion hamburgers a day there's only 300 million people in this country it's like i'm not a calculus teacher but i think everyone's lying you ever been at mcdonald's and you see a friend for a second you're like oh crap eventually hey what's going on they're just like i'm just here for the 99 cent atm what are you doing here jim i'm just meeting a hooker certainly not eating here that's for sure yeah he he should be here by now i cuz we all know better right we've all read the articles seen those documentaries it's the same message look mcdonald's is really bad for you it's very high in fat and calories and we don't even know where the meat comes from and we're all like that's disgusting i'll have a big mac a large fry and a two gallon drum of diet coke because there's a mcdonald's denial we all embrace it no one's going in there innocent we're walking into a red and yellow building with a giant m over it was this a library i'll get some fries while i'm here because those mcdonald's fries are truly amazing right has your mother ever made anything as good as a mcdonald's fry not even close we lie to ourselves when we eat mcdonald's fries we're like oh they're so thin they couldn't be fattening you ever eat too many mcdonald's fries of course not there's never enough of them there's always that moment when you're eating mcdonald's fries where you're like what happened where'd they go then you start scrounging for the fry crumbs you're like oh that's just a piece of paper from the straw but it was touching the fries so sometimes there's a loose fry in the bag you know the bonus fry it's like jesus is up in heaven give him an extra fry he'll pay it forward by the way that's how jesus sounds or at least i hope you wouldn't want to meet jesus and he's like hey i did you been turned that other cheek i give you that bonus right for a rehab that bonus fry it's never a regular sized fry it's always extra long you're like how did i miss you bonus fry you get your own ketchup packet you always savor the last fry you're like i'm gonna turn this into 10 bites i'll meet up with you later i got the bonus fry these fries are amazing for what like seven minutes and then they turn into something that's likely not biodegradable you ever make the mistake of reheating mcdonald's fries in the microwave they become packing peanuts it doesn't stop you from eating them you're like these aren't even good anymore how are yours yeah yours aren't good either fries can't get cold shakes can't get warm you ever leave a mcdonald's shakeout for an hour reality sets in oh this isn't even made for milk it's just some kind of chocolate mucus but we know all this yeah we know those mcdonald's commercials aren't realistic yeah i just like to see one commercial that showed people five minutes after they ate mcdonald's oh now i need a cigarette i deserve a cigarette break today but they get us in there you know some of those deals they offer are just cruel two big macs for two bucks i drive by i'm like well i don't wanna lose money on this i'll get 80 of them i know some of you are like sorry white tragic guy i don't eat mcdonald's i have friends that brag about not going to mcdonald's i would never go to mcdonald's well mcdonald's wouldn't want you because you're a dick i'm tired of people acting like they're better than mcdonald's so you may have never set foot in mcdonald's but you have your own mcdonald's you know maybe instead of buying a big mac you read us weekly hey that's still mcdonald's it's just served up a little different maybe your mcdonald's is telling yourself that starbucks frappuccino is not a milkshake or maybe you watch glee it's all mcdonald's mcdonald's of the soul momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt eventually leading to cancer we all have our own we all have our own mcdonald's you know it may take me a while to digest my quarter pounder with cheese but that [ __ ] stamp is forever mistake really it's all mcdonald's out there right how can we all name three people that have dated jennifer aniston it's mcdonald's and we gobble it up just like those mcdonald's fries it's like who's she dating now um i know i shouldn't but it's so salty is she pregnant yeah that's not even my business scarlett johansson got a haircut why do i give a [ __ ] because it's mcdonald's and it feels good going down by the way if you care who prince william married that's burger king that's not even our gossip i just love the societal outrage at mcdonald's mcdonald's there's no nutritional value there's no vitamins mcdonald's like excuse me we sell burgers and fries we never said we're a farmer's market heck our spokesman is a pedophile clown from the 70s what do you want from us america [Applause] we treat mcdonald's horribly we behave like some hormonal teenager dealing with their parents i hate you you're gross when's dinner really going to mcdonald's is kind of like attending a family reunion you're always excited to go like it's gonna be awesome and then when you get there you're like i don't know if i should be here then when you leave you're like i think i'm gonna kill myself [Applause] but i was raised on mcdonald's and i turned out well maybe that's not the best reasoning mcdonald's has given us so much we wouldn't know when breakfast ends if there was no mcdonald's i'd be eating eggs at 5 pm like a [ __ ] thank you mcdonald's how are we supposed to know st patrick's day is coming up without the shamrock shake thank you mcdonald's without mcdonald's how would i communicate to the world that i give up because if you're over the age of 10 and you're eating mcdonald's you've given up a little bit i identify with wills you know i struggle with my weight i'm on this fancy diet that domino's pasta bread bowl diet it's going all right all right have you seen the domino's pasta bread bowl it's a bread bowl filled with pasta covered in cheese the only ingredient missing a suicide note i eat unhealthy i actually enjoy eating unhealthy but a domino's pasta bread bowl i mean i got kids i don't want one of them in a therapist's office if my dad loved me why would he eat a domino's pasta bread ball pasta in a bread bowl that's a sign of a serious eating disorder isn't it i was out of control i was putting pasta in bread bowls a matter of time before i cover with cheese i needed help i went to a meeting it worked out i love how dominus presents it as some traditional entree from the old country ah the pasta bread bowl it's just like a mama domino used to make every sunday you get that in my kitchen when i make it the pasta bread bowl what's the matter for you i break on your face all the stereotypical freezes i don't even know how you would come up with that idea all right we need a healthy alternative to the pizza something like a salad uh do you mean like a bread bowl filled with pasta covered in cheese no i was thinking like a salad with lettuce oh we could do that or we could fill pasta with bread and inject it in people's butts do we even work here no not right i love the idea that there's someone at the domino's headquarters taking credit for that you know johnson you came up with a pasta bread bowl i sure did sir yeah we've been contacted by the hague you're being prosecuted for crimes against humanity i have tried the domino's pasta bread bowl i was at a party someone brought it and then they died and i have to admit the entire time i was eating the dominant sponsored bread while i was thinking this could use a sign of mashed potatoes it was carbolicious but dominos is all carbs right they got the breadsticks and the cinna sticks why don't we get a pizza and it's an appetizer we can add bread and for dessert how about this bread maybe i'll open a nice bundle of bread [Music] we can rub bread on each other i think domino's is trying to kill us i can't figure out those domino's deals you can get one large pizza for 15.99 or two large pizzas for a nickel if we get them so fat they can't leave the house then they have to call us again it's called the domino's effect so simple [Applause] now offering sandwiches finally pasta sandwiches just whenever domino's introduces a new product i was like i don't know if you guys mastered the pizza yet i don't think the crust in the box are supposed to be the same material the dominoes they're doing the sandwiches because of the success of those subway restaurants right the subway restaurants are everywhere i got one backstage in my bathroom subway that was a bit of a disappointment subway right you're like hey subway eat fresh and then you bite in you're like not so fresh not fresh at all even if you haven't been to subway you've probably walked by and breathed in that bread exhaust they pump out ah the smell of bread that was just baked in a dirty dishwasher i don't know if it's making me hungry or concerned for the ozone but i go to subway you know and not just because it's fun watching a clinically depressed person throw together your sandwich they make it right in front of us you think they do us a little bit of flair you want mayonnaise uh sure i feel like i met benihana can i get my picture with you it's kind of awkward while they make your sandwich you just stand there wishing the sneeze guard was facing the other way as you watch them do everything in those plastic csi gloves before they make your sandwich let me just tie up this garbage bag scoop up these heroin needles now what kind of triangle of cheese would you like on your sub that cheese there are mice that would turn down that cheese yeah we silently mind will them to try and give us another piece have you tried one of the subway melts where they heat up your sandwich in that toaster oven they stole from someone's dorm room is this even a restaurant somebody shows you how lazy we've gotten right you know i can understand the convenience of a burger and fries you know who's got time who's got a deep fryer but we're too lazy to make a sandwich well i can make one at home for 20 cents or i could watch the sociopath make it simple guys are not sociopaths they do have kind of that far away look in their eyes in my country i was attorney general does it like santa fe sauce eat fresh i love all the steps you have to follow at subway before they slide your sandwich in that plastic air sickness bag the first step is you have to pick out your bread and by that that means pick out the color of your bread because it all tastes the same do i want the whole wheat colored bread or the italian colored bread all the toppings are free at subway free lettuce no way how do you guys pay the rent what's next free napkins i think the toppings are free to distract us from the fact we shouldn't be paying for the meat they are so stingy with that nasty-ass meat at subway just peel it off like it's from a lot of ones or something though here's three slices of ham get yourself something nice all right don't say it it don't on for you it's so simple have you tried the soup at subway and i'm not talking about the tuna salad i always get the tuna where they ladled out your tuna there's always that white puddle of tuna water it's like a tuna gazpacho just want to bring in a really long straw oh that's where i crossed the line it was funny until it did that toner water joke my fiance is allergic to toner water i don't appreciate the inconsideration as if anyone in the washington dc metropolitan area would sound like this voice he's doing right now i think the exit actually changes the middle of the joke someone told me they saw a drive-through subway i don't even know how that would work all right pick out your bread drive up six inches lettuce tomatoes oh you wanna toast it honey you gotta drive all the way around if you go to subway as often as i do you'll notice there's a front room and then there's a back room sometimes the subway guy go in the background like what's going on back there know the kitchen's not back there because the kitchen is the toaster oven you think jared's back there i'm the great and powerful jared bring me the broomstick of little caesar jared i see jared and we all know who i'm talking about right we all like jared he seems like a good guy but deep down we all kind of want to see that fat jared again come on jared we all struggle jerry can you imagine how obsessed subway is with keeping jared thin jared merry christmas we got you another treadmill and a bag of laxatives dig in buddy jared he's hung in there you know he's kept the weight off he's been their spokesman for so long there are kids that don't even know about the fat jared my ten-year-old nephew thought jared was the owner of subway i was like no he's a big fat guy who ate all these hoagies and now he's thin even my nephew was like well that's [ __ ] because of course jared didn't lose the weight just eating subway sandwiches he switched from eating burgers and fries every day to eating subway sandwiches every day so as a result we view going to subway as a healthy activity it's like well i go jung or i go to subway and have a meatball sub what level of delusion are we in where we view a meatball sub as a healthy alternative to a hamburger it's like how do you make a meatball sub you roll five hamburgers into balls cover them in cheese and put them on a bun that holds five hamburgers eat fresh [Music] in los angeles there's a place called yum yum donuts it's like what do you need the iq of one to find that beer yum yum me like yum yum it's like who's the target audience caveman i know two things yellow fireball rising sky and yum yum donuts i have to admit i'm a little disappointed by the uh number of tim hortons in town there's some but you go to you go to some cities in canada and the number of tim hortons is uncomfortable like your drive by the fifth one and you're like uh is this a tim hortons theme park are we sure they're only selling coffee and donuts canadians you guys are always like that's our dunkin donuts that's right that's our dog i'm done yeah in america we don't have dunkin donuts on every block tim hortons is like america's stop sign now now there's i've seen some tim hortons in america and whenever i see a tim hortons in america i always have the same thought don't force your culture on us but you wouldn't know how that feels hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 1,601,423

Rating: 4.8622684 out of 5

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Id: Mqh9FsWGQBs

Length: 40min 0sec (2400 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 22 2020