Florida Man - Jim Gaffigan Stand-up (NEW MATERIAL Full Set)

down to florida we welcome you to the sunshine state they're kicking back and soaking up the race every day in florida i'm in florida the sun is setting over tampa bay it's like a caribbean holiday everyday in florida it is so nice to be in florida because you know where i live in new york it's freezing and it's always nice when you're on vacation when the weather's good but it's more important that where you live the weather is bad it's like oh they've got horrible weather at home good i hope they all die but florida is amazing it's interesting how much more respect florida gets in december right during the year everyone's like crazy florida florida and then at the beginning of december the whole country's like hey florida how you doing we always liked you can i come by and bring every relative i've ever met is that okay because florida is beautiful and warm and filled with crazy there is so much crazy and the and the women in florida unbelievable you know what the women i have seen the most beautiful sexy women in their late 80s it's confusing is is that someone's grandma or a porn star or both but it has been amazing here i think it's we've i've done shows in all different cities i think it's interesting how every city in florida has their own personality you know like miami's like we're the sexy ones where miami in orlando's like were for families and fort myers is like i couldn't hear the question what was the question [Applause] pensacola's like wait we're in florida i uh i don't know i've been here like a week and a half and i've been relaxing a lot and i don't know if you've ever been on vacation and you have to do something for work uh your heart's really not into it there's an arena filled with people so you just decide to roll through it on christmas my you know what my family did this year on on christmas day we spent all christmas day in uh disney world like jesus would have wanted and no we spent the whole day in the magic kingdom and wow that was a mistake that was a bad idea and i know people love disney and i want you to hear this you're wrong it's it's wrong but you know what i don't even remember i've been i keep learning that over and over again i've been to disney i regret it i go again like disney is like my jalapenos i always think i can handle this and then a couple hours later i wish i was dead the happiest place on earth right that's what disney is it's the happiest place i don't know is it the happiest i always feel like you know you could get some like syrian refugees in here and they'd be like you know this feels a little crowded that two that's too inappropriate you know you know who i feel sorry for at disney are the grandparents it looks like it looks like elder what did these senior citizens do to their adult children to have to go to the magic kingdom mom dad we're going to disney i can't walk we're going to put you in scooters i can't go on any rise now you'll wait in line with us and watch us i'm on a very strict diet you'll eat fried food and be constipated for the rest of your days i'm sorry i wasn't there for your childhood it's too late for that and if you complain we're going to universal i hope you're having a good holidays it's still going on it's crazy the holidays it all just started as one guy's birthday it was just one guy's birthday and it turned into a whole season kind of makes you wonder if like when jesus was alive if he was one of those friends that was like hey i just want to give you a heads up my birthday is coming up so i mean you don't have to do anything you know but if you want to chop down a tree and put in your living room that'll be cool yeah you could recreate my burst scene with dolls if you wanted no what if you got friends and you just sing songs door-to-door that'll be all right i don't want you to overdo it yeah definitely celebrate the night before my birthday you know it's like it's the night before his birthday why don't we go for 12 days let's go for 12 days and then just end the year i just want people in january to be like i'm still recovering from jesus's birthday that was insane jesus's birthday celebration makes all of their birthday celebrations pale in comparison i remember when my daughter turned six my wife threw this amazing party for her and after the party my daughter was like that was the best birthday ever and i had to tell her i was like oh sweetie that was nothing compared to jesus's i mean your birthday was lame [Laughter] and she was upset but it was a teachable moment some people are sad around the holidays that's got to be hard for jesus right i hate christmas she's like oh that that's my birthday then i hate your birthday oh well then you're going to hell i thought you forgave everyone it's my birthday and you ruined it by the way that's how jesus sounds a lot of people don't know that it's a very gentle tone my brother mike was born on december 25th and he is nothing like jesus nothing and growing up he would complain he felt ripped off because he had to share his birthday with god's son we all share a birthday with a celebrity like i have the same birthday as ringo starr but you know that doesn't mean anything yeah doesn't mean i'm a good drummer doesn't even mean he's a good drummer just means we have the same birthday and married women out of our league i love when he's self-effacing it's crazy this time last month i uh i was in moscow can you believe that i was in moscow that's right i did a show in idaho and uh no i was in moscow russia i did a show but i also wanted to find out who's gonna win the next presidential election and i would ask i was like who's going to win they're like it's a secret like can you give me a hand no you ruined surprise you'll find out like everyone knows russia was fascinating such cultural differences like the russians they never smile unless it's something really really that makes them happy and i asked them like why don't russians smile and they're like because we're miserable i was like that's interesting i should do that but i went to red square which was fascinating there was the kremlin and there were saint paso's cathedral that beautiful building with the towers that look like soft-serve ice cream and you know in times square how there are people dressed like elmo and dora well in red square i'm not making this up people are dressed like russian historical figures so people are walking around like there's someone dressed like linen and there's someone dressed like gorbachev and then i saw someone dress like stalin i was like wow that's weird didn't he do a couple bad things and and i was like that's something you'd never see in germany yeah you know you'd never see someone dressed like merkel you know i mean no i was it was someone was dressed like stalin and people were paying to get their picture taken and a lot of them were tourists from russia and they were like i want my picture with a mass murderer and it and i was asking some and i russians about this and they they explained that they know stalin was a monster but stalin was also a strong russian leader that's that's important a strong russian leader and you see it throughout their history like the most famous tsar peter the great he was like he's responsible for the russian empire and started their navy but he also killed his own son and i was like he's still great and the russians are like parenting is difficult [Laughter] really and it's common knowledge that he tortured and killed his own son they're like kids can be annoying and maybe peter is considered great compared to the first russians are who was ivan the terrible who sounds like a professional wrestler that was his name ivan like did he know that's what people called him was you know hey do i have a nickname what do people call me do they oh you have a nickname do they call me ivan the great no they call you ivan the terrible do they mean that in like a positive way like ivan that terribly handsome is that it no they they call you what if he was in denial about he's like what did i ever do what well you also killed your son yeah that's a big russian thing ah but ivan you also the the architects of saint basil's cathedral you blinded them that was a misunderstanding i asked them could you ever recreate something as beautiful as that and they said yes but i thought i heard them say poke my eyes out so is the misunderstanding all right thank you so much for coming out [Applause] hi i'm jim gaffigan and i wanted to just thank you for watching that video it just makes me giddy i mean not giddy but makes me happy and frankly i don't have much more time on this planet and i was i guess if there's anything else i'd want it would be if you would subscribe but you don't have to do it i know you're busy you know you're cool you've got other videos to watch but if you hit subscribe i don't know maybe i'll have the willpower to pull it out that sounded dirty

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 1,101,123

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Id: MAJ3l_0pbyI

Length: 13min 25sec (805 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 06 2020