Online Dating Can Be Brutal - Dry Bar Comedy

i am on tinder by the way just want to throw that out there what i learned about tinder is on the app store tinder is classified as a game that's the case i've been playing on single player mode there's a multiplayer option but i haven't unlocked that level yet remember when you were a little kid and you didn't want your little brother to play the video game so you'd hand them the controller but it wasn't plugged into anything that's what tinder's like for me i'm playing nothing is happening on the other end and i'm like the little brother i'm like am i doing this right and tinder's like you're doing a great job good for you buddy if you're lucky enough to not know what tinder is it's this terrible dating app or you swipe right on pictures of people that you like and you swipe left on pictures of people that you don't like if you both swipe right on each other you match now what's been happening with me is i've been matching with people i don't remember swiping right on and i think i figured out why you know how people tell you to not go to the grocery store when you're hungry i've been on tinder while i'm thirsty and you end up with those same thoughts of regret afterwards you get that match on your phone like oh man i must have been pretty desperate to think this would be good well waste not but my wife i thought she was irish i met my wife on the internet how about that eight years ago we met on the internet and i'm amazed we're still together because she returns everything she gets online i'm glad you like that joke so we that's true we met eight years ago now we didn't know what to tell our parents about the internet date it's a little weird for me it's like a generational thing you know we told our parents uh we met at the university of phoenix i've tried using the dating technology again it's it's not for people my age it's for millennials and so forth and and i laugh when people say well you know there are options for uh middle-aged people who want to meet online uh okay i've seen the commercials for our time that's what they call it it's the dating site for people over 50. it's our time no no our time was 1998. this is not hour this is overtime sudden death this is grab a chair before the music stops time and as far as these profiles go we need to pass some legislation about these pictures okay some sort of time date stamping write your congressman cause this is supposed to be a recent picture i see the hindenburg explosion in the background come on and no snapchat filters okay how a woman's got a crown of animated flowers and little hearts what what is she trying to distract me from with all of this fireworks going on in the back what does she have some kind of weird mole or a goiter a mustache what's happening here you no more of this look just look it's a dating site there's only one picture we need to see it should be required for everyone and that is you naked on a scale holding a bank statement that's it because people are dishonest and i know it goes both ways because my female friends tell me that the men online lie about their height which is hilarious because the whole point is to meet that woman how do you show up eight inches shorter than you said you were what's the plan you just keep moving around the whole night so she she can't get a read on how tall you are it's insane and i say this is a short guy i'm not trying to fool anyone mislead you and create optical illusions i don't put up pictures of me surrounded by chihuahuas wearing a top hat an umbrella honest and i get punished because i tell women look i'm 50 and five foot six they think yeah he's 73 he's four feet tall i'm not interested i am a married man i'm a married man i've been married for four years the love of my life she's great like a lot of people we met online we didn't meet on any of the big dating websites though you know like eharmony or match remember very unconventional dating website overstock.com she was a pick of the week and i was reduced for immediate sale a match made in heaven you know terrible return policy that's what she calls me terrible late night impulse purchase terrible return policy no so i finally got to a point where i was like whatever i'm gonna try a dating app i was against it for a very long time but i was like there's no more fish in the sea they are all online yeah let's go cast in that there so i download an app and i just pray jesus make me a fisher of men and i said bible joke yeah the church seems to make a dating app called fishermen somebody i'm just saying i thought of that if you see it one day you are welcome or i'm sorry whichever one applied i don't know so anyways i found a dating app called coffee meets bagel anybody ever heard of this one okay yeah one person yeah my girl the rest of y'all let me tell you what you're not missing yeah okay so the thing that i liked about coffee meets bagel is that it limited you to only connecting with six people a day which sounds like a lot but in the dating app world where it's like unlimited swipeage of hundreds of people until your eyes are bloodshot sex is self-restraint okay yeah now the weird thing about coffee meets bagel is that it refers to people as bagels so every day you get a little notification that says you have six new bagels today i'm like i don't want six bagels i want one grown man yeah preferably with a job and a beard a bearded bagel that's my type okay now the other weird thing about coffee meets bagel is you have a bean bank and it charges your beans every time you want to find out something about your bagel yeah so it's like you have three mutual friends on facebook with this bagel and i'm like oh really who and it's like that'll be 95 beans please this is dating in my generation yeah if you're married stay there don't come back out things got weird okay i know marriage is hard but you're doing great all right hang in there so one day i was particularly well stocked in the bean department i noticed this one bagel is looking kind of toasty yeah i was like oh my word he's got a job he's got a beard he's got it all he was in everything bagel yeah think about it and so we connected and i spent my beans cost me a bunch but whatever and he sends me a message about my profile picture because it was a picture of me holding up the book dating for dummies because that's what my mother got me for valentine's day though yeah yeah wasn't worried at all and not just any copy pocket size yeah so i could take it with me on the date lest we forget all right so he sends me a message and he's like hey i really like your profile picture i actually have the same book what are the odds and i wrote back and said well considering the fact that we're both on a dating app that charges us beans to call each other bagels i'd say pretty high yeah i did not hear back from him i burn that bagel i tend to get like really attached really quickly when i date someone that's kind of like my go-to move that's my thing and people always say it's a bad idea you know they're like you know only fools russian don't put all your eggs in one basket which is fine but like where else do you want me to put my eggs man all right where else if not this basket and do i look like the guy who has like an abundance of other baskets available to him [Laughter] got to put him somewhere have you tried carrying around a bunch of eggs they just fall everywhere you have to put him in a basket just looking for somewhere to put my eggs it's actually what my tinder bio says [Laughter] [Applause] gotta just those eggs somewhere one of my friends signed me up on a dating site plentyoffish.com yeah anybody on it no seriously okay back me up there are plenty of fish and they're all bottom feeders because it is it's all lies and fake photos i don't know why you do a fake photo you're gonna eventually be found don't make me think i'm about to meet anne hathaway and i show up and you look like ann passed away okay can we not but i did so i you know my kids kept encouraging me so i did i finally met somebody um how i met her was so weird like oh i already told you about the prison show um no i just didn't when they marched her in i was like that's the one for me the old ball and chain no um no i did i just feel we were talking about how i met her even though i love her so much but i met her i did meet her online uh i met her on myspace um it was awesome we were the only two left my mom is trying to date now which uh which is bad she's trying to date online and uh you know the internet and my mom they don't really get along she tried a date online make an online profile and when i looked at her profile uh it was just a picture of a cat and uh yes we can that was her whole account she was like i don't know why anyone's not emailing me i'm like nobody wants to hook up with a cat mom right this is the first impression you're making she's like well can you help me with my online account i'm like yeah but first you need a picture do you have any pictures she's like no i'm like all right fine me and you we're gonna have a photo shoot yeah me and my mom photo shoot it was going well but halfway through it i found myself saying things that a son should never say to his mom i was like ooh you a bad girl go ahead mom looking good go ahead show me some shoulder mom give me some shoulder right there oh you're going to kill him you're going to have a hot girl summer mom her pictures turned out great she uh we went back home she uploaded her pictures and uh i was like all right mom i'm gonna come back in a week and we're gonna see what emails you got and i came back a week later i'm like any dates what's going on she's like no i haven't i haven't emailed anyone back i'm like why not we we set up the thirst traps right all you gotta do is check the date what are you doing mom she's like well english is my second language i'm not comfortable sending guys emails son can you can you send emails for me i'm like mom with all due respect hell no i'm not gonna send no emails for are you crazy kidding me what do i look like she's like well we've come this far please i'm just trying i don't want to be alone i'm like all right mom i'll do this for you right so turns out i'm surprisingly good at flirting with 70 old men like these guys love me i don't know what it is they like kristy yamaguchi i like christina it's a match made in heaven if i'm being honest i don't think that most of the guys that i matched with were good for my mom i know they weren't good enough for her my mom deserves the best you guys understand she deserves the best and then i met harold this angel harold oh my god he was different he really was he was the first guy to ask me about me you know what i mean he was really special i really liked harold i talked to harold for three months for my mom stay on course guys for my mom talked to her for three months and it was he was great man eventually i told my mom i was like mom i think i found the one like harold is perfect for us life he's great uh dayton nowadays modern dating with all the technology and stuff you know we got tinder who's been on tinder just me okay good then these jokes are going to bomb doing them anyway so i'll explain it i guess so tinder is a thing where you kind of like swipe left or right to pick out people in your area that you would like to date and i this is just that's not my demographic the people every single girl in there was five foot two and a professional photographer okay like so i i want to make an app it's going to be tinder but just for tall people already got a great name picked out gonna call it redwoods [Music] none of this swiping left and right crap you swipe up if they're tall enough and you swipe down if they're too short now both of those options still say yes to the other person because when you're this tall there's not a lot of options and every time you match with somebody it just says timber your standards just fell i dated a girl on tinder real head turner like when i tried to kiss her [Music] you have to feel sad i'm married now like not too uh a hobbit no i did date a girl it was real short for a while that was uh not a fun time when people start commenting on our pictures and in real life oh that's a fun daddy-daughter date nope i'm out like she's like look my hand fits in your palm i didn't need to know that he said hey why don't you try online dating i did it i tried it all i tried all of them right i tried uh okay cupid eharmony groupon and i took all these tests about what i want in a woman right and check all these tests and it turns out like it gave me like my five five things i'm looking for which is uh which is someone that's patient kind good with kids dresses modestly and is a hard worker yeah turns out my perfect woman is amish do you know how hard it is to find an amish woman online [Applause] how am i supposed to call her up through telegraph or something like no you hang up [Laughter] so the day my wife left me uh i got on tinder the night she left me yeah don't do that you are not your best self that night you need to wait a week before you try to get in tinder you just you know putting your best foot forward uh oh man the whole reason that i got on tinder was because my wife she already was on tinder she had a date uh set up for that night and i was like you're going on a date tonight you're me sewing from tinder tonight well i got news for you babe two can play this game but actually no only one can common misconception uh in like the first 24 hours in the first 24 hour period she got 252 messages sent to her on okcupid i got reported six times on tinder [Laughter] that was day one erin how do you know how many messages she got on okay cupid listen when your wife leaves you two things happen you have a lot of time on your hands and you hate yourself so you find yourself thinking things like i could probably guess her okay cupid password and i was right i totally could only took a few hours but i wasn't doing anything had nothing to do that night oh don't worry it gets worse you guys you ever see your ex on tinder never happen to anybody just me again all right oh my ex saw me on tinder she was swiping for boys and she sees my pretty face she read my bio and had some feedback for me yeah she told me that i needed to change my tinder bob because the one i wrote quote makes you seem pretty sad and needy can you believe this woman are you see the audacity are you you're gonna call me sad and needy do you realize how ridiculous that that's like if god if god came down here and was talking to me and was like aaron your ears are pretty big and goofy because yeah that's true but whose fault is that [Laughter] who made me this way tabitha that's on you in her defense my bio was pretty sad and needy that's why you don't get on right away you wait or you have a pile that sounds like hey guys i'm not here for anything too serious just someone to hold me while i cry [Laughter] hit me up but i just this is the thing it's tough to date nowadays i mean i went on a nap i was being very honest i would say lonely control freak uh seeks man a few words for a romantic game assignment says you know and um i wasn't getting very far it's hard to find a good one you know i want a good one i've waited this long i went out with a guy halfway through the meal he turns to me and he goes that's not your natural color that's fake bow my hair i'm like oh you got me i'm busted my hair color is fake but you didn't pick up on all those fake laughs earlier did you no you didn't got you then i'm originally from a small town in michigan called oscoda that's the appropriate response i hadn't heard of it either that's a really small town like the dating app tinder tinder in a small town is basically the same thing as ancestry.com [Applause] great got mad with my uncle bob again so here's here's what works internet dating okay thank you yeah every nfl game i watch every other commercial is either viagra or match.com and i'm the only guy in here using both come on so you know here's the thing you type out that first essay on you know and that's when like it's like 2 30 in the morning and you're sitting in west new york new jersey in your underpants and that's when you realize my life did not work out the way i expected it i used to drive a jeep and have abs and now i need the computer to fall fall in love and uh so then you know you write the essay did you guys meet online oh okay sorry all right do you want to talk about it in front of 300 people anyway so i uh you write the essay and you want to be funny and charming you want to work in that you like kids but not in a creepy way and then at the bottom of the essay you're like do i write or best offer like no that's right it's just like real life that's implied you know and i've been on internet dating i was an early adopter i was on internet dating when the internet was a cb radio and every date was at a truck stop i mean i've been on it for a while this close to route 80 i knew you guys would get that i uh so then you know here's the problem you're not lying about yourself you're just polishing the apple like you're picturing yourself on your very best day ever i could picture it was like summer 2004 i was at the beach i was really lean because i had diarrhea all week right i look great my friends are like dude you're working out again i'm like what do you mean again you know i'm like yeah man i'm working out i'm eating only the right foods now just expired dairy products that's it like but get a lot of shots of this because the gut is coming back i'm going to eat my weight and crab cakes before we leave here and so that's a guy i'm picturing but you forget everybody else is doing that like i i like curvy women you know that's one thing you can kind of pick people by body type when you do the internet dating thing i like i like curvy women right i know i need a new gesture for this because this makes me seem like i like snowman women i just love that the carrot nose the coal eyes the little scarf the way she melts and goes away every april right i can i can fish and play golf all summer and get another snowman woman in november that's perfect that might be a weird fetish i didn't realize you know i'm into snowman women don't tell me about it i don't wanna and uh so like you could put in so i like curvy women and somebody told me you gotta compare yourself to a celebrity so i describe myself i actually have been with my girlfriend for a while now but you know when we met michael phelps was hot so i described myself as looking a lot like michael phelps right thank you for laughing at me on that this guy doesn't look like i do that 8 000 calorie a day diet thing he does i just don't do any of the swimming to burn it off and uh so we meet for we meet for a cup of coffee i almost said we meet for a drink we met for a sprite at a place and uh she gets out of the car and for a second i'm thinking like i hope she doesn't think i really look like michael phelps but then i'm looking at her i'm thinking she's not so much curvy as she is round curvy means more than one curve you know that's why it's not pronounced curve exactly single people they're single people here we're the single people here cool just gauging my chances uh none i've tried all the apps tried them all tried all the apps tinder bumble airbnb ah just trying to get something to work you know what i mean i had to delete tinder for my phone i didn't like it i didn't want to use it anymore swiping all day i'm just getting addicted to it i didn't i had to delete it from my phone so now i just do it in real life just go up to girls like nope just tap them twice like show me more outfits uh what do you have in a romper that's my favorite can we do a romper i'm naive i don't understand the dating dating the younger girls can be super awkward i don't understand some of the things that they say on dates went on a date recently and 10 minutes in a girl goes oh no i forgot to take a picture of your license plate and text it to my parents i'm sorry i'm sorry what what do you what she goes oh yeah you know just in case i go missing we met through friends not on craigslist right like i work with your mom kathy like i don't understand why [Applause] why are you so nervous she goes i probably shouldn't have told you this i was like no you gotta tell the guy you're gonna do that right because if you don't tell the guy you're still going missing take a picture now text your parents i don't care and she goes are you sure isn't this kind of weird and you out and i was like nah this isn't my car you thought i was gonna kidnap you in my car oh no no no i'm not an idiot you're a keeper get in the trunk watch out for the guys clapping that's not that's my move tonight all right i don't have like a swipeable face does that make sense for like the dating apps everyone's like get on tinder and i can you know this isn't no one ever looks at me goes that's what i want you know takes lots of convincing so i don't know i don't screw her and if you are single for any amount of time they will start to push like have you tried the online dane like i've never heard of this it's like a new thing uh yeah i mean i've heard of it yeah i'm familiar with it i don't know when the first time you heard of it online years ago 10 15 whatever it was it sounded easy like the first time like that sounds simple because i've done online shopping it turns out it's not the same thing i figure i'm going to go on i'm going to click on a couple girls go the checkout basket and then right assuming i had enough i could save on shipping but it is way oh i just can feel it from you guys it's great it's really fun we'll do a group hug later it'll be fine i mean i won't be a part of it but you can and i just like touching people but here's so lavi probably got married long ago or whatever and you may not know about how the online dating goes here's let me give you a snapshot of what's like generally it is first you have you have to build a profile so it's way more work than you think it's going to be it's like an online class [Music] an online creative writing class and it is a lot of fiction and so you um yeah you got a uh first guy come up with some sort of catchy headline almost every female writes the similar things they write love to laugh they want to let you know they like to laugh which is great that is great i just don't know anyone who doesn't love who do you know that doesn't love laughing they're like oh i'm not a laughing guy come on that is uh makes me happy on the inside so you guys go on ahead i do like to sneeze though so if you're going to a sneezing club let me know i just [Laughter] so okay the love laughs great i'm like great i like laughing i also enjoy breathing we got a lot in common you know is that there's a connection here occasionally blinking we've got something to work with you see they read through this uh person they're looking for a lot of times and then sometimes they say uh no egos guys looking for a guy with no ego like it's online dating there's no ego at this point um you're in luck i did not start here so um i think about all those old uh photos you've seen of some guy on the middle of nowhere like a pioneer of some sort who's got a wife out by himself i live in a city of about a million people and i can't find someone to hang out with for the weekend i'm not coming in all cocky is what i'm saying so maybe he's up on the ego talk uh then we got the pictures uh which of course uh are all over the place have you see i've seen this sometimes sometimes not even of people i've seen pictures of like living rooms i'm not even sure what my reaction is supposed to be yeah i can see myself sitting on that couch that looks like a pretty good couch a good basis for a relationship is the picture of your cat a lot of pictures of pets again i'm looking at a picture of your dog going yeah i can see myself petting that dog that seems like a good dog to pet let's start there well i don't see this one photo it's a group photo i don't even know which girl i'm supposed to be looking at uh never your first choice i'll tell you that right now um no not even your second or third time you figured out that one oh i thought that was a rescue friend i didn't even know she was part of this sad you guys feel worse about people in jokes that you've never even you'll never know than i do about people i care deeply about this is amazing that sort of kindness that you have for fabricated people in a made-up joke [Laughter] incredible all right so there's one picture we know there's one photo it's tightened on the face cropped really tight like get i know face part of the process but give me a clue what's outside the crop marks that you don't want me to see is it a fin is that what's going on is that and you think i'm never going to see are you going to be behind a door our entire lives just right behind a little cutout give me a clue it's like this is my analogy not a good one but let's say let's say uh you're gonna buy a car you see a screen description the car all right that sounds great and there's a picture of one picture it's tight in on the front tire that's it really cropped close like okay it's probably not exactly as i've you've described it and so uh you show up and look at oh wow that trunk is way bigger than i thought it was going to be i thought right maybe the headlights would match but i guess uh whatever all right we got to that everybody we're fine with that well that's cool does anyone here ever met on the internet right there internet right there good how long uh oh up oh in the bad seats okay they think they're online screw you that was funny what was the name of the website that you hooked up with your man neutral isn't that a gas let me tell you about the internet date maybe it worked don't break down the jerry springer thing relax folks got this guys you think you're hooking up with a hottie on the internet it's me i'm lollipop at gmail.com so i uh a while back i tried online dating uh a number of years ago and uh yeah and i didn't want to but i got lured in by one of those sites right i was just kind of investigating and uh here's the deal you got to fill out a personality profile which if you're like me that's a hundred questions you've never thought about in your life you know you've got me i'm an armchair philosopher what's more important to you loyalty or honesty what is more important to me is there money involved some of this stuff's easy you know what what's your favorite dessert i like pie so i just wrote that pie actually all caps three times five pie pie this was the first one i was really confident about the answer the uh but here's the problem with these things okay you're supposed to be honest yet you're trying to get someone to like you and it's just it's just counterintuitive for a lot of these questions okay what do you like to do with your leisure time are you going to be honest about that answer really i mean how interesting is your leisure time really 99 of your leisure time really i mean what am i supposed to well i like to sit on the sofa look at the cat uh say kitty a hundred times and then i pick at my heel cause the skin builds up on the outside sometimes if i'm lucky i actually get a little skin ball roll it up throw it at the cat it scares them so that's a good tuesday night cat people fleshy feet people both maybe so i did what i think most people do you take everything you've ever done that's interesting put it into one weekend you're ridiculous on the opposite end of the spectrum well i usually wake up and go mountain biking or hiking and then i hang glide back to my car or paraglide weather permitting then i'll hunt and kill my own lunch it in the way of the old pioneers and maybe spend the afternoon doing charity work like building yurts for homeless mongolians i literally got to the end and i i uh at the bottom they said for 30 we'll use all this data and plug it into our system and match you with your dream girl and that's to be honest i i got more paranoid than anything or i i start to think really that the computer knows what if i've been wrong my whole life you know because i've always kind of had this thing for the sporty librarian type with uh a foreign accent and a phd and some rental properties that's all i'm going for [Music] what if that's way off what if i'm more the walmart cashier type with a ford festiva and a lot of guns in her basement kind of guy only one way to find out so i sent the money in they matched me up with a pediatric anesthesiologist from south africa cha-ching best 30 return i've ever had so i didn't even know what it was when i met her too pediatric anesthesiologist turns out she almost kills children for a living that's what she told me she said well scientifically we use drugs and chemicals to shut down your body and hover you over the abyss well and then while they do the operation and then you brought back into the world of the living and then stabilized from the massive trauma and prevent you going to shock yeah that's basically what i do which is going to come in handy when we have to discipline our own kid i think i don't know you better clean your room your mother will show you the white light of jesus no yeah i do what you do now i'm uh i'm online i'm on uh all those websites i'm on match.com on plentyoffish.com i'm on christianmango.com i'm on farmersonly.com i do a lot of shows in nebraska you never know but it's it's different it's funny man first of all that profile thing you know it's like filling out a job application i just don't want you to check my references you know and ladies are so angry now i like hiking and biking and camping and fishing and skiing and snorkeling and horse skating i don't even know what horse skating is we can't go out i like eating and sleeping and drinking boom one lady put on her profile she wants a man that makes at least a hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year that's what she said i wrote her back i said girlfriend times are hard i need a man to make 150 thousand dollars [Applause] get in line uh what kind of a crowd do we have are we married folks married people happily married people i can't even do a tinder joke tonight i'll still do it um no i got off tinder because i have a girlfriend that's the rule number one classy thing to do and uh all the women in la they all have the same exact sentence on all their tinder profiles they all wrote this sentence is this is i'm fluent in sarcasm he he [Laughter] so i'm a comedian i wrote back to one of the girls like oh that's so cool that you're fluent in sarcasm she was like really i was like no i was being sarcastic here you know what fluent means not sure my first divorce was in the 90s like that was like right on the cusp of internet dating right internet dating back in the 90s i was like still considered taboo right like you were desperate if you met somebody online like back then you were more embarrassed to admit that you met somebody online as opposed to meeting them at the family reunion you know what i'm talking about you know what i'm talking about now the dating sites there's no shame no shame on any of the dating sites we really admit where we meet these people on these freakish dating sites like where'd you guys meet badcreditcupid.com it's great you download the app enter your social security number turn on location settings then you get a notification with someone with an equally bad credit score checks into a nearby bar or pawn shop [Music] now i missed out on tinder that seems like it makes dating really easy are there people on tinder here in the crowd yeah some married guy accidentally says yeah nah i missed out on that but i have friends who do it and so i'm always interested to see how it's going for them i have one friend who never gets any matches he's like 24 years old he's a comedian he's he looks good he should be getting tons of matches but uh he never does so i'm like here let me let me help you out i'll be your coach so i'm looking at its tinder profile and i go to the settings and i didn't even know you could do this but apparently you can set recommended ages for the matches that you want my friend's 23 years old he had his recommended agent set at a minimum of 45. it's like hey man to each his own you know i'm not judging but he also had the maximum distance set at one mile i didn't know mommy issues could be that urgent like i need to make out with a grandma right now [Applause] i can't drive two miles i've been doing the online dating uh i mean i have a friend doing the online dating did i say that out loud the picture's always from like eight years ago right like this one girl i met up had with like eight lip rings and five nose rings 16 years kind of looked like a catch-and-release trout having a bad day so i threw her back yeah looked like she had swallowed the hook she had a pierced tongue and i said why do you have a pierced tongue and she said beside the fact that it looks great and i met my man online did the online dating thing i loved online dating i thought it was great i feel judgment i love sitting in my room at night going shopping for a man is that not just the best i love that it's how i shopped for all of my christmas presents too it is so this is a new thing it's awesome so i think that one man wrote a profile and every man has copied that first guy's profile because they're all pretty much the same i want a woman who can go from evening wear to blue jeans they all say that we can change our clothes guys i don't know if you knew that but we can i want a woman who likes to travel but i don't want a woman with baggage i know that's a stupid thing to put together people but that's what they say how can i travel if i don't have baggage so i'm really glad that i got my girlfriend now she's great i did the dating website thing i was on match.com for 30 days and then the free trial ran out and uh on match.com if you met somebody on a personality trait you get a green dot and they get a green dot that way you know if you see a lot of green dots you have a lot in common and maybe you should reach out to the person so one night it was very late i had all these windows open on my computer i glanced at this one windows got a hundred percent green dots which i'd never seen in all my searches is like oh my goodness this is it 100 green dots this is my soul mate this is the person that's going to change my life i get excited i highlight the window i scroll up to see the profile picture and the profile picture was me everybody hooray apparently some point earlier in the evening i'd hit the button view your own profile and i match myself perfectly yeah thanks smash.com i'm looking for a relationship online i can't find anyone they're too young they're on that tinder girls the two women are too young on tinder can't find a woman on grindr i uh yeah i like older women so i'm on yonder that's where i'm at yonder and at this age in your 30s if you're single you will do the online dating we've all done it i've gone through all of them i've done tinder i've done bumble and ancestry.com and yeah the last one was not a dating site i found that out after i paid that wasn't cool on these dating profiles at least for girls i've seen hiking on every girl's profile hiking is all over the place one girl was even like i love hiking so much my perfect first date would be on a hike yeah that's a great place to meet a stranger for the first time the woods [Music] is your bad cell signal too good i really want this to work out and see i go to church and if you're single and you go to church you hear the dumbest advice ever it's always hey it's okay being single being single is a gift from the lord i'm like i don't want it it sucks give it to goodwill can we re-gift it because i want to give it to that guy he's dating the girl on a date give it to him for a second still checking me out oh stop it stop it man stop it he is so desperate to meet women he went to online dating don't do this did you or did you not go to match.com i hate you if you're not familiar how isn't who is it nowadays but match.com is an online dating server it doesn't work okay it might not have worked for you but it's worked for a million did not work match.com it's an online dating so that does not work it has worked for many many people did you go to the website i did you filled in the form yes you put your name romeo you put your race mannequin american they got that joke they're a good crowd some people don't get that joke okay they just sit there okay all right mannequin that's my nature okay okay we're at match.com romeo mannequin american what did you put for occupation tyrone maniac looking for a match oh get out of here get out i got a hundred emails and girls in wyoming okay okay i love that state it's a question why only what's the answer idaho all right [Applause] i love that with states what do you mean did you know what tennessee what a tennessee solid arkansas okay okay same thing utah okay all right all right all right she wore a new jersey all right man and speaking of jersey that place i can smell it from here all right man my gosh we're at match.com all right did they set you up i didn't like her you are so judgmental i didn't like her why not she had tattoos oh for goodness sake you were so what what did the tattoo say made in china okay did you have any good experiences i had one well now we're getting someone this is what match.com is about to to match you with people who have she was awesome okay so you met somebody with soulmates you made a real connection like we'd known each other pre-assembly really that's what i should pre-assume okay all right so where did you meet this person in a restaurant well that's nice this is nice and did you know her as soon as she walked in the door that's nice buddy and what did you say to her hi mom oh come come on raggedy in okay okay

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 291,635

Rating: 4.8408709 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Online Dating, Online Dating Dry Bar Comedy, Online Dating Comedy, Online Dating Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Compilation, Dry Bar Full Show, Tinder, Tinder App, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match.com, eharmony, online dating tip

Id: dHPuHYGEFfU

Length: 51min 45sec (3105 seconds)

Published: Tue May 25 2021