Men Are The Worst Communicators. Frances Dilorinzo - Full Special

did you just say that you got to fly in a blackhawk but guys and girls they're very different right we all communicate very different very different i remember when we first got married i was out doing uso tours right i was entertaining the troops all around the world and this is before cell phones and i couldn't get a hold of him and finally i got a hold of him this is and and i heard his voice and i got all choked up and i said oh my gosh babe i haven't been able to call you because the schedule has been crazy and we're they're they're flying us in and out on blackhawks we're performing and bombed out buildings it's been crazy but i just want to come home and be with you and start a family and we'll we'll just be together forever and he says oh my gosh sweetie did you just say that you got to fly in a blackhawk [Music] men and women they're different we communicate different we always do so that's where you have to like work it out you have to make it work you have to make it work because it gets frustrating sometimes guys are just not big communicators and it starts you can see it in the teenage years when when two friends start to try to talk to each other they don't know how to talk they don't know how to form sentences teenage boys right you ever see two teenage teenage guys try to talk to each other on the phone they don't use sentences they just make sounds grunts they're like this hey sup going and they're done and they understand each other they know where when you know what time to meet is crazy but you put too many teenage girls on the phone it's completely different have you ever noticed teenage girls turn into rambling contortionists right it's like oh my gosh cindy i haven't taught you in so long it's been like 10 minutes and so much has happened i went to the mall and i got this really cool blue skirt and i was like all excited except for when i got home i realized i should have never got blue because ever since mark and i broke up i've been feeling so depressed and blue is the color of depression and so that's why i was thinking like i should have never got blue because blue makes me feel depressed and i still really like mark and that's when i was thinking like i don't know i don't know what i should do i i was thinking so [Applause] anyways i was thinking should i work out or what what oh okay well when cindy gets home could you tell her i called oh thank you thank you did you like my moves did you like my that's without professional training right there yay so hello this is wow you guys are the late night party people nine o'clock you guys get wild i love it i like it you guys are like it's saturday night we're staying up to the double digits it's going to be 10 o'clock we are going to stay up till the double digits it's not even new year's eve we're that wild i like it so i am excited to be here you guys are all staring at me some people look like confused they're like oh my gosh when did celine dion start doing santa comedy do i look like celine do i everybody tells me it looks like celine diana i always get celine dion or dolly parton it is so weird dolly parton right there sir i think you're the only one that knows who dolly parton is everybody under 20 are like huh where's kim kardashian huh anyhow i am so excited i told all my friends i'm taping a comedy special they're like that's so awesome where are you doing it now way in vegas i said no [Laughter] provo utah exactly so i love provo i love utah this is fun you guys do know how to have a good time i like that a lot uh you know sometimes you know i travel all over the country i'm from orange county california i'm in la a lot yes anybody from california yay oh my gosh that's awesome did you guys follow me here or what that's so weird um but anyways i flew in the flight was very easy this is fantastic because sometimes traveling is such a nightmare not long ago i had to do a gig in a tiny little town in waterloo iowa have you guys ever heard of this tiny tiny little town tiny really tiny and my agent booked my flight i had to fly in on a puddle jumper do you guys know what a puddle jumper is i didn't even know what that is it's those tiny little planes it's like six people on each side it's like i didn't know what that was you know how i figured it out i i checked in and i said could i get an ilc and the lady goes well sure but it comes with a window um right it's like single mile seating oh wow and it was a cheap flight too because midway through the flight you had to chip in for gas so that was weird here's my 10 bucks you know so they pass that up but i love little towns because everybody keeps things just like so sweet and simple and innocent and a little overboard for me if you if you ask me because like when they landed the plane they don't even let you off the plane they just circle around the parking lot till you find your car and i'm like there's my honda all right hit the brakes and then they let you out but you know what was even cuter is uh i went into the airport and it's a tiny little airport and they had a pager lady a pager lady it was half the size of this room people a pager lady i'm used to lax like if you have a phone call they'll say pick up the white courtesy phone for a message please that's all we ever get but this lady she had way too much time on her hands and she was sharing all this information that i had never you know way more information than i really needed because it's like paigey mr steve burns mr steve burns uh yeah your wife calls she needs you to pick up some milk on the way home two minutes later paige mr billy parks billy parks ah yeah becky called boy she ticked she said if you want to find your stuff it's at your mama's house you cheating liar paige and kimberly wald kimberly wald congratulations honey your test results were negative oh so you know kimberly was happy i like i like being simple sometimes i like being simple i think the world is getting so complex and so ridiculous like simple things that you know are becoming complex like i fly in and out of airports all the time and and everything is fancy now nobody has the like the restrooms the restrooms are overboard it's crazy right everything's automated right you don't know what's automated what's not do you ever do that you ever walk up to a door and you stop because you think it's gonna open but it doesn't open right and then the bathrooms i miss manual flushing anybody else manual flushing because i was good at it you know i knew exactly when i was ready to flush i knew you know but now i have to leave it to the control of the automated flushers and i just wonder like ladies am i the only one standing in the stall trying to seduce the sensor does anybody [Applause] do you ever like catch yourself and you're trying to trick it like come on i'm done come on my friends are waiting it's crazy it's either you can't get it to go or you get the premature flush have you had that that's terrible because you're sitting there and all of a sudden oh my gosh oh my gosh i'm in france i feel so fresh now i feel so fresh it's silly everything is getting so complex nothing is simple anymore i went to vegas i like you guys here because i talked about partying here you guys keep it simple here it's nice you're classy you keep it good i went to vegas i went dancing for the first time do you are you guys a dancing kind of group you seem like energetic i like you i like you you go out dancing right oh look you got the moves already is that how you know that's so cool i love dancing that's why i was goofing off i love dancing because it just puts you in a good mood right but dancing has changed so much i was i was working a gig in vegas and then i decided to go to a club for the first time in forever and if you're over 40 ladies you guys know everything has changed if you're under 20 you don't get it right okay because like when we used to go dancing right right remember ladies we used to put on a pretty little dress we always wanted to look classy we put on a pretty dress we'd wait for a man to ask us to dance right and then uh when they'd ask you to dance we'd walk out on the dance floor and and and as they were watching you walk you're thinking to yourself oh my gosh i hope he doesn't look at my butt i hope my butt doesn't look big i hope he doesn't look right we didn't want him looking at our butts have you seen dancing now someone's like hey do you want to dance and they're like well sure here i come all right hey thanks thanks thanks thanks for asking me to dance oh my gosh i love this song i love it i love it oh this is my favorite i love it i love it i love it i am so shy i am so shy i'm francis what's your name what's your name i'm francis i'm really sorry ma'am i didn't i didn't realize you were so close i'm really sorry if we were in a different town you'd owed me a dollar that's not here can you imagine isn't that crazy he's like where are you going i like the song let's dance to no other one and so people do things weird dating is weird now dating is not simple everybody's talking nobody's talking i take that back everybody's texting i like texting a little bit but it's a little overboard anybody with me everybody's texting texting texting nobody knows how to talk anymore i think texting is great but it's a little overboard anybody with me on that one yes i'm glad you guys are here a little eye contact little connection right a little oh i like that i like that because everybody's texting and then i'm thinking like how do you communicate when you get married you know and and you're trying to romance each other you have to that feels so g-o-o-d you know o-m-g o-g-o-o um ten percent of you okay nobody else gets it uh-huh all right uh okay see now i'm married i'm married i've been married over 20 years so if i were to text my man thank you thank you thank you i i love being married but things change right right i've been married 20 years so if i were to text my man while we were being intimate it'd be more like d-o-n-t um s-t-o-p you know h-u-r-r-y i've got i've got got laundry i got got laundry to do come on let's wrap it up let's wrap it up oh so yeah things do change i know some of the guys are starting to hate me [Laughter] but the ladies we're gonna bond tonight right ladies we're going to bond we are going to vote that's right and listen don't get me wrong i love my guy so i said i've been married 20 years how many people in the crowd are married married people will marry people i think marriage is uh marriage is great my husband uh he's sweet he had 20 years together he proposed on my birthday and at first i was so excited but then i got ticked off because i was like well thanks a lot but where's my regular present um i realized i was getting gypped a gift come on you know and uh we dated for like two years and that was sweet but then then i started getting a little antsy because i think women get a little antsy right a year after a year a year to two years we start like what is he gonna propose when's he going to propose and i was starting to think man if he doesn't propose soon i'm throwing him a surprise wedding surprise come on come here come here oh my god stand right there stand right there did you really think you're going fishing did you not even you're getting married have you met father phillip father phillip this is lee lee father phillip yeah he just said who wants to go fishing say i do he loves fishing he loves fishing so we've been married 20 years 20 years we are so different so different and whenever i tell people that they always try to make me feel better that's why i'm so proud that we've made it for so long because everybody says well you know opposites tracked opposites attract and i started thinking about it's kind of true right right i was thinking like wow like like he's an introvert i'm an extrovert you know he's a vegetarian i'm a lesbian [Laughter] surprise i'm kidding i'm glad you guys laughed at that i am not a lesbian i'm not a lesbian i wish i was though i do i do because i would totally have my own talk show by now right uh rosie ellen francis it would be great it would be great but anyways i'm just saying that to be goofy i am saying that to be goofy because to be honest sometimes i feel like i work in hollywood and i don't blend in because i i feel like i'm not a cool modern mom i'm actually quite traditional like like i mentioned i'm married i have two little boys uh the weird part is i had my kids um after i got married ah you guys applaud but we're the only ones in this room um i'm kidding i'm kidding i did i so i had my kids after i got married here's the really embarrassing part is i got pregnant by uh my own husband that is so out of style anyways uh they think i'm a freak in hollywood they're like ah i'm kidding i'm being sarcastic i think it's fantastic so i have two boys i had my boys back to back which uh freaked me out because i didn't even know you could get pregnant that way and bam bam baby who knew who knew i was just trying to keep it fresh trying to keep it fun and then bam baby i had no idea i'm that clueless and that clueless but i will tell you what i did know and uh i figured this out real fast when you have a baby and then you get pregnant like a month later um no one says congratulations they don't they look at you and they're like get cable right like calm it down girl calm it down jeez are you kidding me are you okay i've been married 20 years 20 years i love my guy he is still hot and beautiful to me but the thing is things do change they change anybody been married as long as me anybody in the longer yay how many for you guys how many 20 12 oh good for you very nice things have changed a little bit have they yes you love this guy though right yes very good just disregard the pregnant pause right there just just that little hesitation was just a glitch she was swallowing water anyways uh and what about you guys how long have you been married almost 31. fantastic looking he this is a sign of a man that's been married 31 years look at you don't even make sounds look at you just you're just staring at me like i'm speaking chinese sir i like that 31 years that's fantastic things do change i love my guy i love my guy but let's be honest when you first get married you're like oh i just love you all the time all the plays right right right and then and then things things change things change let's let's right you have kids and and it's a beautiful thing but like your love life does change a little bit because all of a sudden your house is filled with toys every single toy makes a noise right right right moms and you can't get that out of your brain but you're still trying to be a good wife so you're making love to your husband but all all i could hear in my brain was the wheels on the bus go round and round right you're making love but you're hearing wheels on the bus go round and round right and then i'm like all into it my husband's like wow you're so fired up you know i'm like i just want to finish the song you know i actually started shouting out make it stop make it stop which which is something you don't want to say to your man that's insulting they don't like hearing that part but i will admit to you guys because i feel like i'm bonding i always screw up the bedroom talk i'm not good at it i'm not good at it because i i don't shift out of mom mode into wife mode very easily and like one time i was with my husband and i actually heard myself say good boy [Laughter] it was crazy it was crazy and then we got done and i was like yay you did it [Applause] you did it you did so good yes you did yes you did you did a good job that was very good good job i'm not gonna lie he did really good he did he did you know so i gave him a treat you know i was like here's a cookie you know because i wanted him to remember and um oh positive reinforcement for that boy right there oh it's crazy crazy crazy crazy i'll tell you what that was uh that was when i first had kids so i had the two boys and everybody asked me for a long time what about a girl didn't you wish you had a girl what about a girl did you wish i had a girl and for a long time i wanted a girl but then i realized i was really lucky i never had a daughter because if i did she would always be younger than me and um right like younger and prettier under my roof who wants to live with that pressure not me but i'm sure you look at all the moms getting quiet no i love my daughters i actually would love to have a daughter i think having a like a teenage daughter would be very helpful right right yeah because they're stylish and trendy and i could use a little help sometime because sometimes i screw it up like like i i try to be hip and cool like i got a belly ring but it's a clip-on and i know i know and then i decided to get a tattoo i knew that it would go over well and um you guys are like no no no no no but this was a good tattoo i i was trying to be subtle it is the cutest cluster of spider veins like right there right right oh man it looks so real it does it looks really really real they did such a good job it looks awesome anyway so 20 years in with my guy 20 years in we still try to keep it good we try to keep love alive but let's be honest things do change and and like i said uh i i love my guy but i i'm gonna be honest i i'm you guys 20 years together you must relate to me right right you love my man your man i hope you don't love my man you uh you love your man right but uh here's the thing it's like sometimes do you guys have kids yeah yes life is busy rage and and sometimes you have to try to find wow you sound angry and but i relate i'm with you i'm with you we can't do it all right and our husbands always want us to be close and intimate and i try but i'm gonna be honest i am being i am making love to my husband these days on birthdays and holidays anybody else birthdays and holidays are you with me on that one birthdays and holidays a little bit more no you know what here's what it is i i'm doing birthdays and holidays and i don't know about you but sometimes it feels like the holidays are getting closer and closer together right would you guys lighten up this is jokes ah you guys are like wow i feel sorry for her man yeah birthdays and holidays and she's complaining because the holidays but see i do all it's like crowded and last year was really like you said a little bit more last year was a busy year at my house because it was election year right and yeah my husband would come home hey it's super tuesday you guys have to hurry up i only have about 35 minutes so can't take that yeah super tuesday he does he all he finally figured out that he gets he gets a little bit of action you know on a holiday so all of a sudden he'd come home bring me flowers i'm like what are these for it's groundhog's day you know so crazy i know and his favorite holiday is black history month ah so it's the whole month honey the smart guy you know who messed up the birthdays in holiday thing is dr oz do you guys watch dr oz i love that show dr oz says it's important to be intimate with your spouse because you'll live a longer healthier life right so i thought to myself okay what the heck you know i'll kick it up you know i've been married a long time but i'll kick it up to bi-monthly right right instead of like every you know every three months i'll do bi-monthly isn't that that's not bad right guys come on i was thinking listen i'm a planner i'm a planner so i thought i will put him on the same schedule as my housekeeper every other thursday that way i'll never forget i'll remember every other thursday it'll be so good that'll be perfect and then when i'm really you know it's like whatever that's a joke i can't say in this town and uh anyways anyway so here's the deal i want to finish this up with dr oz it turns out that every other every other week is not good enough he said you have to be intimate three to four times a week [Applause] seriously you guys are awesome oh my gosh when i heard three to four times a week i thought to myself i'd rather eat a bowl of brussels sprouts that'll help me live longer anyways i'm glad you guys can laugh at that stuff because life is worth laughing at right and you've been married exactly you gotta you know what the process of being in a long-term marriage is is fantastic and you have to use your sense of humor to get over the bumps in the road are you with me on that one absolutely so you can't get up tight about things people get too uptight about the silliest things i'll be honest at my house romance has always been a little bit odd i'll share it with you guys i'll tell you why because my husband's from wyoming how many people from wyoming exactly no one no one is from i got my man from wyoming that means that means he's into outdoor stuff he just wants to go hunting and fishing that's all he wants hunting and fishing hunting and fishing hunting and fishing and when we first got married we were trying to have a baby and i'm trying to romance them i did normal stuff like candles and music right and and romance none of that works and then i realized okay you gotta kind of approach a guy with what he likes and so i figured out how to make it work i i ended up standing in the middle of the bathtub wearing a pair of rubber waders come on go fish baby go fish [Applause] that's my man right there my man i i know i look silly i know i look silly but i got lucky every time i did see now i thought he would be happy i thought that would be the end of it but no he took it to the next level because all of a sudden fishing season's over but now it's hunting season so he comes home one night and he's like hey sweetheart put this on so i actually strapped the antlers to my head right okay then i had a high between the couch and the ficus tree i was a little nervous you know i was nervous i was nervous because i had never played hide and go kill before right oh but he loved it he loved it i could hear him in the kitchen he was like be very very quiet it's wife hunting season [Laughter] that freaked me out so i start running for the front door cause i wanted to get the heck out of there right but he goes around the corner with a big old flashlight and i just froze i couldn't pull my monster it was like a deer in headlights you know oh and i was scared because i thought oh my gosh he's going to take me outside and strap me to the hood of the car [Applause] no he didn't do that he didn't do that instead he ended up mounting me in the library so [Music] [Applause] there's my wife right there i bagged that woman i bagged that woman right there see now if i said mounting me in the library in a different town it would mean something totally different anyways anyways for the longest time i was afraid of becoming a mom because all my friends we would talk on the phone like that right and then all my friends had had kids before i did and and they were the girls that i would i would talk to on the phone all the time but then they had their children and then they would call me and still try to talk to me but they were talking to me and yelling at their kids at the same time talking to me yelling at their kids at the same time and i couldn't tell which was which you know those people yeah yeah i got a huge fight with my friend because i called her up i was like hey crystal's going to go to the gym do you want to go and she's like well i would love to but it's wednesday and um hey hey i i am busy i'm like oh okay well maybe we could go a little later and she's like what did i just say [Applause] i was like well you said you were busy so i thought maybe we could go a little later she's like i said no i'm like all right i was just asking she's like if you don't knock it off i'm gonna smack you i'm like yeah i could kick your butt she's like don't you talk to me like that i'm like you don't talk to me like that no you don't talk to me like that no you don't talk to me like that and then she's like oh my gosh you've got poopy pants i'm like at least i don't stuff my bra kids are great i'm glad i found my guy like i said we're very different only the only one thing that did did work out for us that was in common is i'm a very tall girl so when i was dating that was kind of tough i i'm very tall doing any tall ladies in the crowd any tall ladies yay how tall are you oh we got a bunch of my hot tall five nine five nine very nice and you five eleven you're my kind of girl is this your guy right here is he taller than you yeah you probably checked that out first didn't you i know see now for me i always dated guys for their height rather than their wealth you know be i know because i wasn't thinking and uh now that i look back oh i would love a short little rich man anyways actually i never cared i never cared i did a short guy i don't care i would date a short guy it's very hollywood it's very very uh attractive if he's confident i'm okay with it but some short guys get angry around tall women did you ever notice that yeah like we stole their height like we had anything to do with it but they get mad did you get this growing up i always got that stupid stuff like in high school this guy would be hey what's the weather like up there every day every day hey what's the weather like up there it was weather like up there one day i snapped i go it's raining you know [Applause] i always got those things i was in a nightclub once i went hey do you play basketball i'm like no do you play miniature golf [Applause] and you shouldn't get upset about that you shouldn't get upset about it you just live with what you have and you use your sense of humor to get through it i learned how to get through my height right like i wanted to be i wasn't used to being tall but i didn't want to slouch so i never wanted poor posture but i did uh do the the hip stance i don't know if you ever did that because here like 5 10 right look at five seven five ten five seven actually it worked out really really good until one time i was at a party and this guy starts walking towards me and i didn't realize how short he was until he got closer and i was like oh man he is close he is shorter wow he is oh i oh wow really oh man what's up and he's like wow are you a model i thought i was a model i'm like no are you minnie me and uh but he was so nice he still asked me to dance so i didn't want him to notice so i was doing all my cool moves slow dancing was weird hello it's crazy ah anyways i don't know i i just think that the hype thing doesn't matter it doesn't matter i never wanted to be rude so i tried to give uh i tried to be guys compliments one time i was in a bank writing some short guy standing in front of me he was like about five nothing right i know and i wanted to give him a compliment so i looked right at him i'm like you are so cute yes you are and he looked a little mad so i'm like don't be mad at me come on oh come on don't be mad at me let's play ready he got a little upset so i just put him down you know he scurried away i felt like saying fine go deposit your pot of gold and women can be mean to each other too women can be really mean i was trying to embrace my height trying to learn to love it right so one time i decided i'm gonna just like totally go for it so i put on this brand new green dress i went out dancing matching high heels green dress green heels i felt pretty but then i was in this this this night clubbing and three little petite women are making fun of me they're like oh look it's the jolly green giant the jolly green giant so i just played along and i was like ho ho ho ho [Laughter] green giant whoo see don't let stuff bother you don't let it bother you things change we can't change everything we can't change everything about our bodies we just have to embrace it right right and yeah go ahead clap for me and um i'll tell you why i'll tell you why okay i like you guys so i'm gonna go for this i'm gonna go for this on the last show we were a little bit worried like should we do this or not but i'm gonna go for it because you guys are fun right you guys are yeah you guys know what humor is about right yes yes okay so one of my biggest things i think a sense of humor is very important in life because as we know we can't control everything you can't control your height you can't control your body you can't control your size and that's one thing about women i am from listen i am from l.a area work in las vegas and i'm trying to do this bit right here in provo without saying any any words and um and like i don't want to say the you know the words about like you know when women we have different size you know appears and um and some women don't like the size of they're up here and uh right right and so i you know so i'm trying not to say any words that would offend so you know what i'm talking about is uh bumps that's what i'm talking about the women's bumps are bumps like we all have different size bumps are you with me we have different size bumps and and you know what sometimes women want bigger bumps than they have and sometimes they don't and i never worried about the size of my bumps growing up if you need help ask your neighbor some people over here what are you talking about uh i never worried about the size of my bumps because am i the only girl who thought that uh bumps are kind of like teeth anybody else teeth like right teeth i thought my bumps were like my teeth i thought the baby ones would fall out right the baby ones will fall out and then the permanent ones will come in and then i'll and then i'll have adult bumps but uh clearly that didn't happen and uh the only time i had big bumps was uh after i had a baby because lemono right oh my gosh i had a baby and i went from uh a bump to um a d bump did you know that that bumps come in cup sizes so i had a i had an a cup went to a d cup but then when it was all over i was back down to a quarter cup that was a it was a little disappointing so uh listen here's the thing is i live in orange county right i live in orange county and what do orange county women do when they don't like the size of their bumps what do they do they buy bumps right and i think that's kind of silly i think you should just kind of live with what you have right but then i thought you know what if you're really really unhappy you don't need to buy any bumps i thought like you can you can try to make them yourself that way you don't have to alter your body with surgery right so i know so i figured out just bear with me people so i figured out how to make homemade bumps so that when i wanted to blend in with the hollywood crowd i could and i went dancing to test it out tell me what you all think now here we go wow and they told me you would be uptight oh see this even works here it works here it would be it's summer now but can you imagine the winter it'd be like oh is it cold out [Applause] oh so these are my homemade bumps people these are my isn't this great they're just like the real ones right because you start out in your 20s right here right right and then your 40s right right and then by the time you're in your 80s hello it was silly i had so much fun goofing off with this i did i was in las vegas and you know there's weirdos out there so after i know but i blended in perfectly right after the show i walked out on the strip and i stood up against the wall and i just stood there and watched people go by i was just looking at when i went dancing i would see a cute guy and i'd be like hey you know but then i turned around like oh there's a weirdo hello hey right back at you right there and it was going pretty good until this really cute guy came up to me and i got all nervous and flustered and i screwed up the whole thing because i was talking to him and i'm like oh my gosh hi hi hi i'm francis hi and that's it for me you guys [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 387,803

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Frances Dilorinzo, Frances Dilorinzo Dry Bar Comedy, Frances Dilorinzo Comedy, Frances Dilorinzo Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand up Comedy Routines, Communication, MGTOW, how to communicate, dbc, stand up, black hawk, girls on the phone

Id: m6zZMlsc9ic

Length: 38min 41sec (2321 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 04 2020