It is so nice to be in Utah, actually, and it's even nicer they dropped the charges and let me come back to your fine state. (audience laughing) That's always a good thing. About eight or nine years ago my wife and I picked up my oldest boy at the Fort Campbell. He did six years, he served six years with the 101st Airborne. (applauding and cheering) Thank you. So we pick him up and we're driving back. We live in Nashville, it's about an hour and a half drive, so we're driving back I ask my son, Now that you're out of the military, you've had six years to think about it, what are your plans? And he said, "Well, I was kind of hoping" "I could move back home while" "I reacclimate to civilian life." I said, So you haven't thought about it, have you? (audience laughing) He said "No." I said, Alright, well, you've earned it. Take all the time you need. (audience laughing) 19 months into the acclimating process, my wife grabs me in the hall one afternoon. "How long does it take to acclimate?" I said, I don't know. I never had to. "Go downstairs and talk to that boy." So I went downstairs, I politely asked my 26-year-old son, Pause your video game, I need your full attention on this one. (audience laughing) Mom and are a little curious, did the Army teach you a skill, something you can use to get employment and move out. I want you to understand something, young man: Your mother and I want grandchildren. We've earned grandchildren, and we worship a God of miracles. We believe out of 3 billion women on this planet God has chosen one of those women for you to breed with. (audience laughing) We just don't think she's gonna fall through our vent and land in your lap down here in the basement. (audience laughing) So, did you learn anything? He thought about it, he said, "You know, I could" "kill you six ways with a Popsicle stick." You enjoy that video game, my man. Let mom and I know when you're done doing that acclimating thing. So I run upstairs and Tammy says to me, "What'd he say?" He said get rid of the Fudgesicles 'cause he going on a diet. That's what he said. (audience laughing) Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if the Army fed him for six years. He was literally eating us out of house— my wife and I started hiding food in our bedroom to keep it from our son. I'm not lying. That's pathetic, it really is. We had a stash of brownies and muffins in the nightstand next to our bed. So late at night, we'd get all excited, run down the hall, hold hands, lock the bedroom door. I'm sure he thought we were doing something else, but we were... we were just under the covers eating brownies and laughing at him. (audience laughing) Really, you hit 50, your life gets pathetic, it really does. The brownies are here, woo hoo! We'd run down the hall, "Lock the door!" Hurry, he's gonna smell these and want one! "I know it, they're ours and not his!" And the truth be known, that's all we do in our bed anymore anyway is eat. We, uh... Really. We bought a Select Comfort bed. I don't know if you're familiar with it, but each side of the bed has its own number. The higher the number, the harder the mattress. My side of the bed: 100. Marble slab, that's it. Tammy's number's two. First night she laid on her side of the bed, she literally disappeared from my view. Mattress wrapped around her like a flour tortilla. (audience laughing) Poor thing was sleeping in a fajita on her side of the bed. So I roll over to kiss her goodnight, I fall into a ditch I can't get out of. (audience laughing) She's going, "Get off of me!" "What are you doing over here?" "Get off of me." By the way, if you're a newlywed, that's the sound of 32 years of love right there. (audience applauding) Yeah. Yes. "You're on my hair." "You haven't shaved." "Your breath smells." "Stop touching me!" "Augh!" Don't get me wrong, we still try to get romantic, we just save it for special holidays now. (audience laughing) Turns out Tammy's favorite is leap year. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't even know that was a holiday, I really didn't. I'll dim the lights and put on some Sade and Tammy says "Wow, has it been four years already?" "Alright, I'll get the good flannel" "and the hunting socks on tonight." (audience laughing) Nah, we're married, we try. We just... We just know how much time and energy it actually takes, and we prefer to watch Law and Order. (audience laughing) That's just the way it's worked out. My wife falls asleep at 9:15 every night. You could set a watch by her body. At 9:10, you look at her on the couch in our living room, it's like a gas leak goes off. (audience laughing) Sweetheart, maybe you should go to bed. "Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine." What are you a 5-year-old? Quit fighting it, just go to bed! (audience laughing) "Will you be quiet? This is my favorite show." (audience laughing) Poor woman's seen the beginning of every Law and Order for five seasons. (audience laughing) And now they come on in rerun and she's yelling at me. "I've seen this one!" Well, give it 20 minutes. (audience laughing) I love that woman. People ask, too, they ask me, "Is you wife aware of the way you talk about her?" No, so don't be Facebooking her. This is her idea of funny, God blessed me with an amazing woman. She's got a dark, twisted sense of humor. I mean it. This is her idea of funny: I'm in my chair at home, every man, you have a chair. Don't you sir? Darn right you have a chair! You're a man! That's your throne. If you ever went missing, they'd give a cushion of that chair to a bloodhound, wouldn't they? "Find that smell!" (audience laughing) And then they'd revive the dog and send him on his way. (audience laughing) So I'm in my chair one afternoon, minding my own business, now my wife comes up behind me, she starts rubbing me like that, she's got her arms around me like that, shes' nibbling on my ear and of course I'm thinking, Is it February 29th? (audience laughing) It was a nice moment between man and wife. We were married 20 plus years at that point and it's a nice moment and a few minutes, just really nice and tender and then at one point she kisses the top of my head, and then she hugs me, she said, "I love you, Jeffrey." I said, I love you too, baby. And she walks away. And I'm basking in the warmth of this, I mean at times I would yell, she was in the kitchen, Baby, that was nice! Thank you! And at one point my son comes walking through, "Hey dad, who drew that big smiley face" "on your bald spot?" (audience laughing) Yeah! What I thought was fingernails was her Sharpie, she was back there scratching artwork on my dome! So, don't you feel sorry for her! She's sick and she's twisted. (audience applauding) We've been married 32 years, and I got... My father gave me one really wise piece of advice before I got married and it's held true for 32 years. On my wedding day, my father said to me, "Before you argue with your new wife" "and you're gonna argue with her," "before you do, take some time, step back," "ask yourself two questions:" "Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?" Right. And then he broke down and sobbed right in front of me. (audience laughing) I had no idea what that man was talking about. 32 years later I could tell you this: I'm a happy, happy, happy man. (audience laughing) I ain't been right in 12 years now. Sometimes I even have to ask her, Am I happy? "Oh, you better believe you're happy." I was just checking with you, Buttercup. I call my friends up, I can't go golfing, but I'm a happy, happy, happy man. And don't get me wrong, we argue, you've got to argue in your marriage. You don't argue in your marriage, it'll build up in your brain over time and fries your brain. Yeah, then you wind up like those babbling, mumbling couples like you've seen in Arizona, Florida... 50 plus years of marriage, they're kind of walking down the street. The wife is fine. It's the poor husband eight feet behind her that scares me to death, this poor man's all hunched over, he's vibrating, mumbling. "Always telling me what to do..." "Start telling you what to do!" "I'm a man! You can't tell... I'm a man, I'm a man!" This poor guy's starting to try to win back all the arguments he's been throwing away for 50 years. You know he was 6'3" when he got married, now he's 4 foot 1, look at the poor man. Weighed down by a half a century of apathy, "Leave a toilet seat up if I" "want to leave a toilet seat up." "Tell me what to do." "I hope you sit in the water every night, I don't care." And that's when she turns around, "What'd you just say to me?" "I didn't say nothing to you!" Scary! Have to learn how to communicate, that's the word, "communication." You have to learn how your spouse communicates, that takes time. Men and women communicate differently. It took me two years of marriage to figure out my wife will never tell me to do anything around our home. If Tammy wants me to do something, she'll ask me a question. It's from the question that I got to stand there and figure out what it is she wants me to do. (audience laughing) Simple example, say I leave a pair of my underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor, which 'frosts' my wife. That's her word when she's angry, "That just frosts me Jeffrey." (audience laughing) And if I'm not frosting her, I'm driving her up the wall, that's another one. That kids will come in, "Where's mom?" She's up the wall with frostbite, that's all I know. You won't believe what put her there, man, it was that pair of underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor. You're looking at the most powerful piece of cotton on Planet Earth. So, I leave my underwear in the middle of the room. Would she come to me and say to me, "Pick those up,"? That's three words. "Hey, pick those up." Three words! Would she say them? No, because that would be simple, direct and right to the point and at that moment, we would be communicating at the highest human level. The way God the creator intended it through language. She looks at me, looks at my underwear, and then asks, "Are those yours?" (audience laughing) I sure hope they are or otherwise I got a few questions of my own. (audience laughing) What do you want? That's the only question a man has for his wife, "What do you want?" Quit talking in code and tell me what you want! My favorite question, we weren't married two months, I'm leaving the house, I got golf clubs on my shoulder, got golf shoes in my hand and everybody knows what she asks me. "Where you going?" I was only married a couple months, I didn't know any better. I looked at her, I'm going bowling, Columbo. (audience laughing) If you're taking notes, that would be the wrong answer. (audience laughing) An hour later, I was still in my living room. Come on tell me what is this about, please, lemme know, please! I can make the back nines, just let me know! It's about knowing the right answer. That's why, why your beautiful, intelligent wife would ask such a banal question. I know better today. If I'm leaving the house with golf clubs on my shoulder today and Tammy says, "Where you going?" Go put these in the car baby, I'm gonna come back and mow our lawn. (audience laughing) Just practicing leaving for golf. You got to know your love language. I read a book, some guy wrote a book, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book called Five Love Languages. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five languages of love between a man and wife. Tammy and I read that book twice in one week, because we didn't see our love language in there. Yeah, apparently bitterness, sarcasm, not part of Dr. Gary Chapman's love life. That's all I noticed. My parents had their own love language. 57 years they were married before my mother passed away. That last Christmas we knew would be mom's last Christmas, so it was a special one. We knew this would be it. So anyway, we're all sitting around, watching television, movies, Wonderful Life, those Christmas movies, my mom's doing her crochet, my dad's in his chair. And he starts serenading my mother in their love language. 57 years of marriage. (growing and snorting) (coughing and hacking) (audience laughing) My mother didn't miss a beat! She didn't even say anything. She puts her crochet down, she goes into the kitchen, comes back 20 minutes later with two hot dogs and a soda pop for her husband. How cool is that?! So that night I'm laying in the fajita with Tammy and I'm talking I said, Did you see that today? She goes, "What?" That, my parents, did you see that whole thing? She goes, "I did." And I go, You think we'll ever get there, you and me on that level? Tammy says, "Shoot me if we do." "You start hocking hairballs" "at me like that, it's over." (audience laughing) "That was one of the most vile, disgusting things" "I've ever witnessed in my life." "I almost chucked my dinner all over" "the kid's head." Wow, I thought it was beautiful. I married a tough one. Tammy's a tough, tough woman. First thing she did when we got married was take my spine away from me. (audience laughing) She did, she keeps it in her purse. (audience laughing) It's handy in case I have to do something manly. 3:00 in the morning, "I heard a noise," "here's your spine, go down and see what it is." (audience laughing) I hate that wake up call. She hears a noise, I gotta go down and see what it is? Well, if you were sleeping, you wouldn't have heard it. So go back to sleep, you won't hear the next one. Trust me, he's trying to be as quiet as he can. He'll probably apologize for waking us up. She should go down there. If he tracked mud on her new hardwood floor, she'd rip his thyroid out. She's got a temper, I mean a temper. I'm not talking here to build any sarcasm because that's what attracted me to her. Here's an example. We were eating breakfast one morning, one morning, just sitting at the breakfast, minding my own business. Whistling. That's the kind of good mood I was in, whistling. Could explain why I didn't hear her ticking on the other side of the table. (audience laughing) I wanted to butter a waffle. You know what I'm talking about man, you just want to butter a waffle, no family business, no talk, no nothing, butter a waffle. So I said, Sweetheart, could you pass me the butter knife? (imitating knife flying) Of course, now I'm thinking, something must be bothering buttercup. So I ask, Something on your mind? She says, "I'm fat!" There's not a man in this room knows you can't respond to that. (audience laughing) A twitch of the eye will get you killed at this point. (audience laughing) If you're a newlywed, trust me, your wife ever says she's fat, you become mannequin man. (audience laughing) You don't move a muscle! And you certainly don't say anything. Just let her finish her thought, take the knife out of the wall, butter the waffle. (audience laughing) Then she says, "We're joining a health club." "Did you hear what I said?" I think I heard you say you're fat and we're joining a health club. (audience laughing) That was the wrong answer! Spoons! (imitating spoons flying) Of course we joined a health club and if there are two people on this planet that should have never purchased a health club membership, it is Tammy and I. Trust me, I haven't moved with any purpose since I won the race at conception. Trust me. Yeah, yeah, I don't want to brag, but I outran about 4 billion that morning, and I'm still exhausted. We're lazy people! We're not ashamed of it. We've actually woken our children up to get the remote control for the television. (audience laughing) We've had an exercise bike in our bedroom for 10 years. It's got about a mile and a half on it and most of that was put on by the grandkids sitting on the floor just spinning the pedals. She once called me from the driveway. To get her purse. Hello? "Get my purse." Where are you at? "I'm in the driveway." "I'm going to health club and I need my ID." (audience laughing) How lazy are you?! Hey, go get your mother's purse and bring it to her, will you? (audience applauding) We've tried. You know I've tried things. When I was in my 20s, I tried skiing when I was actually, I got knocked unconscious by the chair lift. Yeah, it's funny now, but... (audience laughing) If that wasn't humiliating enough, the insurance company that I had at the time wouldn't cover my head injury. I'm not making it up. Guy called me up at home, said, "You got hit" "in the head with a chair lift?" I said, Yes, sir. He goes, "Wow! That makes you a moron." "And we consider that a pre-existing condition." (audience laughing) They had me, it was a loophole. (audience laughing) I wanted to get in shape, I wanted to get...I've got grandchildren now! They're running me ragged. By the way, if you're a young parent everything I was told about grandchildren is true. It is, they are your reward for letting your teenagers live. (audience laughing) Fight the urge, let those ingrates live and they'll bring you a bundle of joy, they will. In time. But you've never been sicker in your life until you've spent time around little children, you know that. They go to preschool— Why the CDC hasn't shut down every preschool in America, I'm not kidding. They're a little germ magnet. Agar jars or Petri... if you went to an American preschool, shut off off the lights, turn on a black light, it would look like the surface of the sun in that place. (audience laughing) And they're 5 years old, they don't know any better. They give stuff to each other, "Give this one to your Pawpaw." (blows raspberry) (audience laughing) And she'll wait till I'm sleeping on the couch and she just stares at me while I'm laying there and you know because of gravity, everything in her little mouth is splashing on my face. It's like sleeping under a toxic rain pipe. (audience laughing) Vanilla wafers and Kool-Aid. You got this paste falling on your face and as soon as I open an eyeball, she goes (sneezing). Oh! Is that Ebola? I haven't had that one yet. And the worst is when they take a drink out of your water. They hand you the glass, you got a six-course meal floating around the top of it. You know? Pawpaw'll get a new water. Water shouldn't have 40 grams of fiber in it, that's all I know. (audience laughing) And they live nearby, which is really, really cool. We see them a lot, and, um... My son brought her over one day. He thought it would be funny to teach my 5-year-old granddaughter to give me a wet willie. (audience laughing) Yeah, it's funny now... So I got her in my lap and I'm bouncing her around and she's licking her finger going, "Hey, Pawpaw..." It's kind of amusing, you know. 30 seconds into it, she goes, "Pawpaw," "I got pink eye!" What?! (audience laughing) Man! I'm squirting Purell in my eye, Oh, my God, I wanna die! So it's cool. She just turned 5, we had the birthday at our house and it was really kind of cool. And, uh, my son dropped her off and they had to go get her a gift, a bicycle or whatever it was. They didn't want it there, so they dropped her off about an hour before the party starts and she sees all the balloons and everything. She knows it's her birthday, she's five. So, she runs down, I'm on the couch, I'm reading the book, she's running down the hall, "I'm the birthday girl!" And she disappeared, I didn't see her and then I heard her plow into a wall. (imitating crashing sound) And I only tell you this 'cause people after the show will ask me, "What sort of stuff makes you laugh?" That would be one of them right there. I'm sorry... (audience laughing) I'm sorry! I'm ready a book, she disappears, I hear (thump) "Augh!" That's funny! I'm sorry, that's funny. I tried to comfort her, but I couldn't stop laughing at her. Evelyn, you were moving! "I was moving, Pawpaw!" And when they cry at that age, they get that yo-yo. It gets about here, they... (imitating snot dripping) I don't know how they know. It's just like (sniffs) You know? And you get transfixed on the yo-yo and then the bubble shoots out. (audience laughing) Did that come out your little head? You gotta get the parent book out; "bubble out the head," that could be dangerous. And I don't know what to do with it. She's crying, she's running her nose and then Tammy comes walking by, "What happened?" And she says, "I was moving, Mimi." And uh... And I said, She plowed into the wall, she's okay. And she goes, "What's the problem?" I said, The stuff, the junk coming out of her nose. Tammy goes, "Oh, you're such a wimp!" And Tammy grabs it. She just grabs it like that, this, this toxic waste. (audience laughing) Now she's walking down the hall berating me. "You're such a wimp, I'm sick and tired of it!" And it was still connected to her nose. It was like, Oh! Oh! And she says to me, Tammy says, "I bought you handkerchiefs." Who uses handkerchiefs? I don't see the attraction of blowing your nose, and then stuffing it right back in your pocket. If you want to hang on to this stuff, leave it in its natural environment. And my father had handkerchiefs and this is probably what— In our family as a young boy, if I was crying and my nose was running, then my father was walking over with a balled-up handkerchief. Oh, I backed that snot up as fast as I could. I'm alright Dad! Look, nothing coming out. No, I'm fine. "Come here, boy, let me wipe that face." No, not the handkerchief, dad! Please, not the handkerchief! Then you hear him open it, (tearing sound) (audience laughing) Oh, no! (audience laughing) "Come here, boy." (imitating blowing nose) (screaming) Oh, that hurt! Oh, my goodness, my eyebrows! I don't have any eyebrows! For an entire school year, my mother drew my eyebrows in every morning. For an entire semester I was surprised every morning. You tell yourself as a parent, "when they get older," "it'll get better." That's what you tell yourself. Teenagers. I believe teenagers are God's revenge on mankind. I really do. I think, I think one day the good Lord was looking down over His creation and said, "Let's see" "how they like it to create someone in their own image" "who denies their existence." (audience applauding) 'Cause I have read the Bible more than once cover to cover, and it never mentions how old the devil was when he rejected God's authority. If I'm guessing an age, I'm saying 16. (audience laughing) Devil got his driver's license, drove to Georgia, that's all I know. (audience laughing and applauding) One heck of a fiddler player, buddy. You can't argue with a 16-year-old, you can't. They have a three-word vocabulary, that's it. "Pfft," is a word. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. You gonna pass your history test? "Pfft." What is that? "Tsk," is another word. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk-kk. No, you can't spend the night at your friend's house, you flunked the history test. "Tsk." (audience laughter) And then that word, "whatever." "Whatever" drove me insane. It affected my nerves. 'Cause when it would come out of their mouths, I'd immediately boink them right in the eyes. (audience laughing) "Whatever." (boink) Stop that! And get your little angels ready for therapy, they're going. This is America. Your kid's gonna lay on a couch at some point in his life and blame you for everything. You might as well give him reasons going in. Don't stress about it, they're gonna do it. I told my kids when they learned to write, When you perceive an injustice in our home, do us all a favor, write it down and date it and I'll initial it for you. (audience laughing) "How come?" Well, when you're middle-aged my memory's not so good, we could breeze through the therapeutic process together. I'll just hand that book to the therapist, All that stuff with my initials next to it I did and I'll be at the golf course. (audience laughing) I don't get it! Where we're at as a nation, we've got 40-year-old men calling up their 65-year-old fathers and yelling at them in two in the morning and blaming them for all the grief in their life. It may be true. You may have had a rotten father, but at this point in his life, what do you expect him to do for you? I got my answer ready, I'm waiting, for one of my sons to call me up at 2 in the morning, "You ruined my life!" All I'm gonna say is, Whatever. (audience applauding and cheering) What other answer is there?! "Do over?" You know? Well, we didn't mean to ruin your life. Hey, why don't you move back home, me and mom will re-raise you? (audience laughing) Yup. We're a lot calmer since our strokes, don'tcha know. We can't remember when bedtime is. We... We can't remember anything. You can, you can move home and help us find our shoes in the morning, that'll be fun. We can't find anything around here, remote controls, car keys—it's like a scavenger hunt every night. You sure do sound like a nice young man, what was your name again? (audience laughing) It's puberty! Something happens when a child hits puberty. My oldest son went through puberty at 11 years old. I'm not making it up. It took him a half an hour to get through it, that was it. But it was a terrible half hour. I'm on the road, I call home, he's 11, he picks up the phone, "Hey, man. What are you doing?" "What's going on? What's happening?" I call home the next night that same boy picked up my telephone. "Hello." (audience laughing) Hey, who are you? Put my wife on the phone and get out of my house. (audience laughing) And they're all different. My youngest son was 6'2", 230 pounds, 13 years old. This man-child walked around our home for months, his voice never dropped. (whining) Really, how do you keep a straight face during that phase of development? He'd yell at his brother, we'd have farm animals showing up on our back porch. Just... yelling down the hall, "Get out of my room!" "He's in my room, he's touching my stuff!" Dial it down man, there's two goats on the porch looking for you. "That's real funny, daddy-y-y-y-y." "You should put that one in your stupid show. Eh-eh-eh-eh." So I do. (audience laughing) And the talk, every father in this room that had a son knows what the talk is. You sit them as a chair as a boy, when he gets out of that chair he's a man because for the first time in his life, he hears the facts, he hears the truth. You look him dead in the eye. Boy, you have got to quit eating all the food in this house. There are five of us here and we feel like we're in competition for that food with you. This is an American home, it's not the Serengeti, there'll be more food to mouth, just slow down and save some for your little brother. That poor child's so skinny, he fell down a sewer grate. (audience laughing) He did. It's a good thing he was wearing his bike helmet, he didn't fall all the way through. Those bike helmets save real lives. Are you kidding me? Any man in this room over 40 knows if you would have actually showed up for a bike ride when you were 12 wearing a helmet, you would have needed the helmet to keep your head from caving in while your friends were pelting you with rocks. "Dorko, what's with that plastic hat?" (rock hitting plastic sound) Cut it out! Cha-ching, cha-ching. (audience laughing) You dented my basket, I'm telling my mom. I had the pleasure of growing up in America before the lawyers took it over and ruined it on us. Yeah! In my day if the kid fell off the monkey bars and chipped a bone in his arm, that was tragic, but it was funny to the rest of us. It certainly wasn't reason to take the monkey bars off the playground. We all did dumb things. That's how you leaned not to do dumb things. C.S. Lewis said suffering was God's megaphone. That's right! You do dumb things, it hurts and then you learn not to do it. But one of the most painted verses... I'll give you an example, when I was 12, someone told me get a Ball jar, canning jar, find some dry ice, put it in the jar, put the lid on it. So I said, What's gonna happen? They said, "It's gonna blow up." And I said, Cool. Where do I get dry ice at? And they said, "The ice cream man." So one day I heard the ice cream man coming down my street and I run out with one of my mother's canning jars and I ask, You got any dry ice? He said, "What you gonna do with it?" I said, I'm gonna put it in this jar, I'm gonna put the lid on it and it's gonna explode! Ice cream man says, "Oh. Here's your dry ice." (audience laughing) That's the America I grew up in! (audience applauding) Yes. And of course that night, my mother was at our kitchen table picking shards of glass out of my forehead and my father came walking in, "How'd that happen?" Someone told me to put dry ice in a Ball jar and it'll, it'll blow up. "So knowing that, you were just staring" "at the jar waiting for it to blow right up" "in your face?" Yep. (clunking) "What am I raising, a moron?" I could see why you'd think that. I never did it again. 'Cause that would have been really dumb. That's how you learn. My nephew's coming by, this poor kid's 11 years old, I look at him, Where's he going? My sister said, "Rollerblading." I thought he was gonna disarm a nuclear device. Poor kid looked like the Michelin Man. Foam, rubber, plastic everywhere. She says, "I don't want him to get hurt." I said, Hurt? He could take a semi at 80 miles an hour now. Falling on concrete is supposed to hurt. See? That's your incentive to learn to say upright on the rollerblades. (audience laughing) They've ruined everything. Playgrounds! I took my granddaughter to a playground. What happened to playgrounds?! The slide is 5 feet high and made out of plastic. She would go 4 inches and stop, 4 inches and stop, 4 inches and stop. That's not a "slide," that's a "scoot." "Wee Pawpaw, wee Pawpaw, wee Pawpaw, wee Pawpaw." What did we have? We had a 6-story high, solid steel structure, about mid-July, yeah, mid-July would hit a temperature of about 285 degrees. You lose two layers of skin on the way down, another layer when you hit the ground like a flat rock on a pond. (imitates splashes) Come back picking gravel out of your thighs, yeah. Now it's, "Wee Pawpaw, wee Pawpaw, wee Pawpaw." I wanted to shove her down the slide, I did, I wanted to shove her so she'd know what an exhilarating feeling of sliding. And I felt six iPhones on my back, "Go ahead old man." "We dare you!" (audience laughing) It's nuts! Car seats. I'm not against car seats. I'm just telling you I'm tired of strapping my granddaughter in like a NASCAR driver to drive two miles to get a Diet Coke from the mini mart. She's 54 pounds! I'm gonna get a hernia hauling her in and out of the seat. What age can you take them out now? 5, 7, 18? "Here's your high school diploma." "You get to rid home like a big boy today." I mean, come on! (audience applauding) Car seat...we didn't have seat belts. I walked the back seat of my mother's car for four years. She'd be driving, I'd just be walking the back seat side to side. Sure, every now and then she'd hit the brakes, I'd fly up into the front. She'd toss me back like a trout, "What are you doing up here? Get back there." (audience laughing) I got pulled over by the police, I'm not making this up, I got pulled over by the police because it was a sunny day and my granddaughter was in the back with sunshine through the window and the policeman said, "I'm not gonna write you up" "this time, but you need to have a sunshade" "to protect her from the sun." I go, What?! Are you kidding? I almost got arrested. Are you kidding me? This is a joke, right? When did the sunshine become this evil thing? Sunscreen—We didn't have sunscreen! You know what sunscreen was when I was a kid? Dirt. That's what it was, dirt. And why? Because we would eat dirt and it would get all over our face and protect us from the sun and then we'd wash it down with water from a garden hose. And then I'd take a bath, put on my asbestos pajamas and go to bed. (audience applauding) And look how I turned out. (audience cheering) The only kids we had to worry about the sun were the redheads, the gingers. You'd hear them sizzling like bacon in right field out there. (imitating sizzling) "Rusty, you might want to get in." You know, and the kid would run off the field like a leper, pieces of him falling off. You know? We still didn't put sunscreen on him, we gave him a snow cone, "Rub it on, you'll be fine." (audience laughing) It's nuts. I live in a small town. I love small towns. We have a... We got our first traffic light about four years ago. There were nine accidents the first week the light was installed. Yeah, it's funny now. But... (audience laughing) Apparently the people who lived there their whole lives couldn't figure out what the floating red dot in the sky was. Just driving along, "That's new..." (imitating crashing) "Oh!" (audience laughing) I love small, I do, we moved there from Arizona. The only reason we live where we live is because there were no homeowners associations. When we lived in Arizona, we had a homeowner's association and this may shock you, we've spent about 35 minutes together, but it turns out, comedy boy here has a little trouble with authority. (audience laughing) Me and the local Gladys Kravitz's didn't get along too well. They were always writing me up, "Garbage can lids are off." "Garage door was open." My rocks... I didn't have a lawn, it was Arizona, so I had rocks and they were messy because my kids would run through them. "Oh, your rocks are a little messy." No, those are the ones that fell out of my head for moving here. (audience laughing) The day we sold the house, we were driving out, I told my wife, I put the car in park, I said, I'll be right back, and I went through the rocks. (hysterical laughing) Tammy says, "What are you doing?" I said, I'm just setting up a meeting between Gladys and the new owners. (audience laughing) 'Cause I'm a people person. So we moved to Tennessee, I told my wife, I don't care where we live, just no homeowner's association, that's the only rule I have, you can pick wherever we want to live. No homeowner's. So we're driving around our little town, it was before GPS and everything, so we didn't have directions to this house we were looking for. So we figure we'll ask somebody for directions. So we're driving down the street and we see a family of four on the, on their front lawn in the middle of an activity. I got to tell you, I been around, I hadn't seen this before. All four of them were in the process of burning the family couch on the front lawn. I fell out of the car, I said, Thank you, Lord Jesus, you have, you have brought me to the promised land! There is no homeowner's association! Tammy says, "There's not even a conscience around here." "Look at those people!" It's like they'd never seen fire. All four of them were just staring at the flames coming off, so I rolled my spare tire up to them and I said, Fire! Wheel! (audience laughing) The problem when you live in a small town is there's not a lot to do, so we were eating dinner one night and my oldest son was bored. And he just whiny, and he was just really whiny, I said, What is your problem? He goes, "There's nothing to do around this stupid town," "I don't know why we moved here." And I said, You know, you're right. There's nothing to do. So let's play a game. He said, "What kind of game?" I said, I'm gonna snap my fingers, when I snap those fingers, what I want you to do young man, is transport yourself anywhere on this globe you want to be, doing whatever your heart desires with whomever your heart desires to be with. This is your dream day with the person you dream to be with doing what you dream to do. I want you to dream, and dream big. I want to know the dream that's keeping you awake at night. Dreams are the engine that will drive you through this life. Prayer will be the fuel that will drive those dreams. I want you to trust me man, you stop dreaming, you stop praying, you're gonna dry up, bitter up, and you're gonna die long before your heart ever stops beating. So when I snap my fingers, young man, I want you to tell me where you're at, what are you doing, who are you with. So I snap my fingers and my 12-year-old son goes, "Uh, I'm at the mall in Bellvue playing" "video games with Brandon." (audience laughing) What? That's the big dream keeping you awake at night? Are you kidding me? How about horseback riding in Spain with JLo? Yeah, and Tammy hit me in the face with a gob of mashed potatoes. (audience laughing) "That the dream keeping you awake at night?" No, man! You're asking me, I'm on the living room couch with you watching Law and Order, baby. You guys have been great, God bless you, thank you so much! Thank you! Great to be back. I gotta tell ya, I've been married to my wife, Tammy, for 33 consecutive years. (audience applauding) One right after another. Thank you. And when you've been with a person that long you learn to trust their instincts. So when she said to me awhile back, "You need to get diagnosed, now." I said, "For what? "I feel fine." She said, "That attention deficit stuff. "I know ya got it and "it's driving me insane." (audience laughing) So I said, "Why now?" She goes, "What do you mean, why now?" I said, "Well if I got attention deficit, "I've had it for 60 years. "I've had it my whole life. "It's not a virus. "You can't catch it on a toilet seat. (audience laughing) "It's not like you go "to the bathroom in a mall "and you come out "two days later and you go, "Boy, I'm so distracted. "Where did that come from? "I don't know. (audience laughing) "So why ya bothered about it now?" She said, "Because you keep "telling me you'll do things "around this house "and you don't do 'em, "and it's drivin' me nuts." "That's not attention deficit. "That's passive-aggressive. (audience laughing) "And I've had that for 63 years." (audience laughing) But I honored my wife. Because that's what a man does, sir. That's right, you do, right? You honor your wife. I went and got diagnosed. I spent an hour with a psychologist. After and hour, it turns out, not only do I have attention deficit, I'm also a functioning hypochondriac. (audience laughing) Functioning, I'm not clinical. Those people are sick. (audience laughing) But this is how God protects his children. It's my ADHD that keep my hypochondria functional. (audience laughing) On those days I've convinced myself I need an ambulance, by the time I get to the phone to call one, I've been distracted four or five times. (audience laughing) I usually wind up in the kitchen, I got a telephone, I can't remember why I got a telephone, (audience laughing) and that's when I order the pizza. (audience laughing) My kids love me. "Dad's dying again." "Really, pepperoni, Pops." (audience laughing) And Tammy mocks me. She does. We'll be laying in bed watching Discovery Channel with some strange new disease, not four minutes into it she leans over, "Ya got it yet?" (audience laughing) "Thinkin' about it. (audience laughing) "What's a nodule? "I could have nodules. "I don't even know what a nodule is. "Oh boy, I'm feelin' "noduly all of the sudden." (audience laughing) That's when the kids are yellin', "Breadsticks." "Shut up ya punks, I could die on ya." (audience laughing) She's taken an overinterest in my health. She really did. A few years back, I had a physical. I was 60, I had a physical, normal thing. Full blown physical. Takes seven to ten days to get the results. So I'm on the road, she calls me up, she goes, "The doctor's office just called "about your physical." So I said, "What'd they say?" She said, "I'll paraphrase. "Doctor said if you were "part of a wildebeest heard, "the lions would be "circling you right now." (audience laughing) "I don't even know what that means." She says. "You're old, "your heart's gonna blow up "and you're gonna make me a widow. (audience laughing) "'Cause you don't do anything. "You don't move. "You don't do anything." So she went out and she bought two Fitbits. Two, one for me, one for her, to monitor my entire movement. That was the whole point. She signed that line to be my friend. (audience laughing) I didn't even know what that entailed until like... Turns out, they monitor your life. She caught me in a lie, that's my point. I lie to my wife. Not often. But if you've been married more than a week, you know what I'm talkin' about. (audience laughing) There are just conversations I don't wanna have with this... And one of 'em is about my health. I'm tellin' ya. I'm on the road, I'm in a hotel room. One o'clock in the afternoon. I have not left the hotel room. One in the afternoon. Phone rings, I see it's her, and I know she's gonna ask me, "What'd ya do today?" And if I say, "Nothing," she's gonna give me the whole widow argument. "Your heart's gonna blow up, "you're gonna die. "You're gonna leave me alone." (audience laughing) So phone rings, sure enough, first question she asks, "What'd ya do today?" And I told her. I said, "Well, I got up, "I walked the mall, "came back, had some breakfast." She goes, "Short walk, you've only taken "91 steps all day." (audience laughing) "How do you know that?" She goes, "I'm your friend." I go, "Well not anymore, you're not." (audience laughing) I did learn somethin' that day. Four trips to the commode at a Holiday Inn Express, 91 steps. (audience laughing) That's right. Every day's a learnin' day, folks. (audience laughing) These Fitbits, I don't know if anybody has one, they monitor your entire life. They actually tell me how many times I get up in the middle of the night and use the restroom. Apparently I wasn't giving up enough of my privacy to Apple, Google and the government. (audience laughing) And then my wife sends me text messages based on that information. "You were up five times last night, Jeff. "Why are you so restless?" "Well Brad and Angelina split up. "Who can sleep?" (audience laughing) I'm watching Golf Channel, 10 in the morning, two in the afternoon I get a text message from my wife, "Are you dead? "You've taken 78 steps in four hours." Most of that's 'cause my foot fell asleep and I was banging it on the floor. (audience laughing) God sakes, woman, leave me alone. (audience laughing) So I look for shortcuts just to get her off my back and I found out you don't even have to move to rack up steps on Fitbit. You just sit in your chair and move your arm up and down. (audience laughing) Look at me, folks, I'm runnin' a 5k right in front of you. (audience laughing) So two weeks after the doctor tells me my heart's gonna blow up and I'm gonna make my wife a widow, she comes downstairs all excited, and she says to me, "I was thinkin', Jeff, "I was thinking." That's what she said. Are you married, sir? You know when your wife says she was thinkin', all the air in your body goes right out, doesn't it? (audience laughing) 'Cause what she was thinkin' about is something she's gonna want you to do. You're not gonna wanna do it, but you're not a man anymore now are you? Admit it. Admit it. (audience laughing) Neither am I, so... (audience laughing) I've come up with a line of men's cologne for people like me. I'm callin' it, Acquiescence. (audience laughing) It's for real men who know when to comply. (audience laughing) So I asked my wife, said, "What was you thinkin' about?" That's what I said to her. "What was you thinkin' about?" She said, "I was thinkin' "about what the doctor said, "we have to do something aerobically." I said, "I don't think he said we, "I think he said me." And she said, "No, "I think we should do something "that's fun together, that's not exercise." "Something fun." I said, "Well what'd you have in mind, "since you were thinkin' about it?" She says to me, "I always," that's the word she used, sir, "always, wanted to learn how to ski." (audience laughing) Always. We've been married 33 years, the first I've heard of the skiing fetish. (audience laughing) To my knowledge, we've watched seven Winter Olympics together as man and wife. Never once, while Lindsey Vonn was zippin' down the slopes, did my wife lean over and go, "Whoa, "I really wanna learn how to do that." (audience laughing) I figured it out. I'm not taking up the sport that killed Sonny Bono at my age. (audience laughing) You want the insurance money, you can poison me like other wives. I'll get a meal out of it. (audience laughing) Kiddin' me? I tried skiing when I was in my 20s and I was coordinated. I got knocked unconscious by the chair lift. (audience laughing) What more sign from God do you need? If that wasn't humiliating enough, the insurance company wouldn't cover my head injury. Guy called me up at home and said, "You got hit in the head "with a chair lift?" I said, "Yes, sir." He goes, "Well, "that makes you a moron. (audience laughing) "And we consider that a "preexisting condition." (audience laughing) They had me. (audience laughing) So my 60th birthday rolls around, that's a big one, sir, 6-0 waitin' for my gift, 6-0 birthday gift. She buys me 12 hours with a personal trainer named Todd. (audience laughing) "Hi Jeff, I'm 2% body fat Todd." "Well hey, 2%, I'm 80% flabby Jeff, "how ya doin'?" (audience laughing) First question he asked me, how long has it been since I had an exercise program. "Well, let me ponder that one, Todd-O. (audience laughing) "It's gonna take awhile "to do the math here. "I'm 60, well, 60 years, nine months. "Didn't take that long at all. (audience laughing) "To be honest with you, Todd, "I haven't moved with any purpose "since I won the race at conception. (audience laughing) "Yeah. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) "I don't wanna brag, "but I outran 3 billion that morning. (audience laughing) "Still exhausted." (audience laughing) Undaunted by my response, Todd says, "Well, we'll start you out slow." That's what he said, "We'll start you out slow," so I slept with ankle weights on the first couple of months. That was it. (audience laughing) You know, when you get up and use the bathroom as many times as I do in the middle of the night, you burn some calories. (audience laughing) You know what, we would all exercise. Everybody on planet Earth would exercise if the weight we gained was in different place on our bodies. Think about where we gain weight. Our stomachs, and our behinds. It's never in our way. A couple pounds on your forehead would get you to a gym. (audience laughing) "Man, I can't see nothin'. (audience laughing) "They're gonna take "my license away from me." (audience laughing) And Tammy's dieting now, that means I'm dieting. That's the rules. You honor your wife. She wants to diet, I'm dieting. She's on keto now. We've tried paleo, we've tried Atkins, now we're on keto. She wants to get into ketosis. That's fine with me. I got cookies in my office in the basement. I don't know. (audience laughing) I was handing out cookies to my grandchildren one day. "One of you will betray me." (audience laughing) My grandson, "Is it me, Poppa, is it me?" "It is you, you little punk. "Get those crumbs off your lips." (audience laughing) So I'm unpacking the groceries after the big keto buy. Tammy went out and bought a bunch of groceries for keto, and I'm unpackin' 'em and I come across rice cakes. Never had a rice cake in our home. Don't know what a rice cake is. Never eaten one. All I see is the word cake. (audience laughing) And I call her out on it. I go, "Baby, I thought cake "was a no-no with the keto." And she says, "No, that's for our cheat day." Apparently, on keto, you get to cheat one day a week. Cool is that? (audience laughing) So a few days went by and I'm ready for my cheat day and I remember, sir, we have cake. (audience laughing) I ran to the pantry. I pull one out, I pull a rice cake out of the package. I'm feelin' it, eh, kinda feels like a brake pad. You know. (audience laughing) But it's cake. How bad could it be? (audience laughing) I took a bite, it never made it to my throat. (spitting) I said, "Baby, these are stale." She says, "No, that's the way they are." I go, "Then this isn't cake, it's caulk. (audience laughing) "That's not food, it's insulation. "Who are these people kidding?" I threw the rest of them to our three dogs. I go, "You eat these things." And our dog scarfed 'em right up. Hour later, went in my front yard and passed a thermos. (audience laughing) Got a yard full of Yetis out there. (audience laughing) I'm tellin' ya, I can't keep up with the food anymore anyway. GMO, non-GMO. You know, we had food, didn't we, sir? We had food. When we were growing up, food. And you ate it, because kids were starving in China. That's all you knew. (audience laughing) "Eat that, there's a kid in China starving." "Oh, he's not getting my food." (audience laughing) Now it's GMO, non-GMO, organic, nonorganic, gluten, gluten-free, kale. I never saw kale in my life until Tammy went on keto. Now it's ubiquitous. It's all over my house. You can't put enough ranch dressing on kale to make it taste good. (audience laughing) Oh, and then one night, she makes kale chips. You know what kale chips are, sir? It's kale leaves on a cookie sheet, burned in the oven at 400 degrees. (audience laughing) She pulls out this smoldering heap of weeds, she throws them on my plate. I go, "What are these?" She said, "Kale chips." I go, "It's a brush fire, "what are you talking about? (audience laughing) "This isn't food." (audience laughing) I tried to give them to my dog. My dog goes, "No way, man." My dog eats the cat litter. What does that tell you? (audience laughing) It's awful. (audience laughing) Eh boy. And then my son married a hippie girl. He married a hippy. A Minnesota granola cruncher. (audience laughing) We love her to death, we really do, but we have butted heads more than once about diet. First of all, she makes a list of things we're not allowed to feed our grandchildren. Are you kiddin' me? They're my grandchildren. I'm gonna give 'em whatever they want. If they want a silo full of sugar, I'm gonna pour 'em in. I'm just throw 'em in it. "Go ahead. (audience laughing) "There's a door at the bottom. "Eat your way all the way out there." (audience laughing) Are you kiddin' me? My son, my youngest boy, when he was born, we didn't give him sugar. We didn't. He was two, three years old, never had anything but plain Cheerios every day for break-- Plain, we didn't even put bananas in it. Plain Cheerios and he ate 'em up, loved 'em. The first time I visited my mother, I went out to the golf course with my dad, I come back, my three year old son who never had sugar in his life is up to his neck in a Jethro Bodine bowl full of Cocoa Puffs. He's just... (growling) He looked at me like I'd betrayed him. "You lied to me." (audience laughing) And that was it. He never ate a Cheerio again. (audience laughing) So I got grandkids and I'm doin' the same thing to mine. "Eat this, this is..." (audience laughing) My daughter-in-law says no way. Then she gives us a list of things that we can feed our granddaughters. You know what's on the list? Non-GMO organic fruit roll-ups. Have you seen a fruit-- You could patch a flat bicycle tire with a fruit roll-up. (audience laughing) I can't imagine what this thing is doing to her four year old colon as it's zippin' through there. (audience laughing) Then my daughter-in-law says, "Well they're made with real fruit." I said, "Well so is real fruit "made with real fruit, "that's not on the list." She says, "Because you and your wife "buy the wrong kind of fruit." I said, "We buy the fruit "that hangs on trees. "What other kind of fruit is there?" She goes, "Non-GMO organic." I said, "I'm not spending "12 bucks for a banana. "She can eat what we eat." She says, "No she can't, "'cause it has pesticide." My daughter-in-law is afraid of pesticides. In the America I grew up in, I'm telling you, my mother used to give me a puddle of mercury to play with on the kitchen table. (audience laughing) "Here Jeff, play with this "puddle of toxic waste "with this lead paint chip I got for you." (audience laughing) Play around in that for awhile, and then she'd come by, scrape it into my tuna and I'd eat it for lunch. (audience laughing) And now, I can't get peanuts on an airplane anymore, because little Joey six rows back might get some peanut dust on his elbow and drop dead. (audience laughing) Will someone tell me where all these peanut allergies came from? You're about my age, do you even remember one kid with a peanut al-- Not one. Now they're ubiqui-- I'm tellin' ya, terrorists do not need to blow up any buildings. (audience laughing) They need to take over a Planters factory and crop dust Atlanta, that's it. (audience laughing) They'd wipe out a third of the millennial population. (audience laughing) They would. And if you have a peanut allergy, don't send me an email. You don't know what it's like... Drop dead (mumbles). (audience laughing) My father used to give my brother and I food my sisters didn't have to eat. He called it man food. It was sardines in a can. (audience laughing) Ugh. I said, "I'm not eatin' this." He said, "It'll put hair on your chest." (audience laughing) "I'm eight years old. "That a good thing?" (audience laughing) He said, "Every man wants "hair on his chest, boy." Really? Yeah, who knew in the 21st Century all the men would be waxin' all the hair off your chest. (audience laughing) I wanna meet the first man that ripped the hair out of his chest. I really do. 'Cause I'm gonna punch him right in the face. (audience laughing) In a Christian loving way, of course. (audience laughing) Tammy says to me, about a year ago, she goes, "I want you to look "into the waxing thing." That's what she said, sir, I want you to look into the waxing thing. I honored my wife. I looked into the waxing thing. Came back and told her, "Get used to the pelt. "It's not goin' anywhere." (audience laughing) Are you kiddin' me? Have we lost our minds as a culture? We spend billions of dollars to have somebody rip the hair out of our body by the root. That hurts. (audience laughing) But we won't let our Federal Government drip water on the faces of terrorists. (audience laughing) I think the CIA needs to open up some spas around the world. That's all I'm sayin'. (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience laughing) "You know Achmed, before we send "you back to the battlefield "as part of the new Western Civilization "catch and release program, (audience laughing) "you're in luck. "The US Government's gonna "clean you up today, my man. (audience laughing) "Those 72 maidens you're dying "to lay with in the next life, "they don't want to lay "next to a throw rug. (audience laughing) "So get in the van "my hirsute little friend, "we're goin' to the mall." (audience laughing) It's just a thought. (audience laughing) So full disclosure, I got waxed. (audience laughing) I know. (audience laughing) Tammy kept pushin' it, and she finally said the magic words, she said, "I think it would be sexy on you." (audience laughing) Look it, my wife and I have been married 33 years. Sexy is not a word often used in our home. (audience laughing) Our idea of sexting is, we send pictures of desserts to each other on our cell phones. (audience laughing) I'll get it back from her. Is that a six-layered carrot cake? (audience laughing) So I don't care what it is, if my wife said to me, you know, a face tattoo would be sexy. I'm gettin' it done. That's all I'm sayin'. (imitating tattoo gun) (audience laughing) There are 3 billion women that inhabit planet Earth. I only care if one of those women thinks I'm sexy. That's it. Her. So I made the decision, when she leaves town, I was gonna surprise her. I said, I'm gonna get waxed. I got on the Google, and looked up the waxy people, (audience laughing) found Mee-chel. It's Mee-chel, don't make the mistake of calling her Michelle. (audience laughing) Apparently I hit a sore spot. (audience laughing) So Mee-chel gets me all ready to go, lathered up, got a piece of tape there. She says, "You're ready." I said, "Yeah." You know. She goes (imitating tape tearing) (audience laughing) I've never had that happen. I tried to scream and nothing came out. (audience laughing) I gotta figure there were dogs two blocks away going... (audience laughing) Sounds like another man's gettin' a wax job, (audience laughing) with Mee-chel. (audience laughing) It hurt so bad, I'm tellin' ya. And then she starts to put another piece of tape on me and I can't... I ended up tapping out like a wrestler. I'm banging. (audience laughing) And then I found my voice, I said, "No, get away from me you sick woman. (audience laughing) "Don't touch me." (audience laughing) Ouch. (audience laughing) That's what I wanted to say when I couldn't, ow. (audience laughing) But I was gonna quit, I really was. I was gonna leave. And I looked in the mirror and I had this white strip. (audience laughing) It looked like a name tag with no name on it. It was just... (audience laughing) It had all these weeds around it. (audience laughing) So if you locked in, I couldn't stop. Anyway, she says says, "I can take my time." I said, "I go, don't take it, "just get it over with." (imitating tape tearing) (audience laughing) She cleans me up, I look in the mirror. I was pink, sir. I was pink. I was raw pink. I looked like a flabby piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum. (audience laughing) And all I can think of is, she thinks it's sexy. (audience laughing) Okay. No accounting for taste, but I'm all-in. (audience laughing) So the next day she came home from the road. I wanted to surprise her. So I went into the bathroom, put on some shorts, I took off my shirt, I'm standing there in shorts, no shirt, trying to get her to notice while we're conversing. (audience laughing) She looks at me, says, "Are you havin' a stroke?" (audience laughing) I said, "No." She goes, "Aw, what'd you do?" I said, "I got waxed." "Ew." (audience laughing) "That's not the reaction "I was lookin' for. "What's ew?" She goes, "Oh, God, put a shirt on, "it's creepin' me out." She goes, "You look like "Patrick from Spongebob, Jeff, come on." (audience laughing) Patcick's not sexy. (audience laughing) The things you do to honor your wife, sir. (audience laughing) Never again. (audience laughing) Marriage is, it's give and take, it's, you make concessions, you make thing, you know. I'm a recovering drug addict, alcoholic. I've had 32 years without a drink. (audience cheering) I've been married 33 years. So after a year of marriage I realized it was one or the other and I made a decision to quit. Now Tammy has had closet vision for 33 years, and it's one of those things that drives me crazy as a husband, but she won't do anything to correct it. And now you tell me, this is closet vision. For 33 years we have a date to go out. Tammy will get in the shower, get out of the shower. She'll wrap herself in a towel, she'll stand in front her mirror, she'll do her hair, do her makeup. And then she'll walk into her closet and go blind for an hour. (audience laughing) All I hear coming out of the closet, "There's nothing to wear. "Nothing." Every now and then she'll emerge holding something, "What do you think of that?" And I'll say, "You look beautiful in that." She'll go, "You're just sayin' that." "You're right, I am. "I don't care. (audience laughing) "Put on burlap. "Let's just get to the restaurant "before they change "management one more time." (audience laughing) And I was thinkin' about it, this has gotta go back to the Garden Of Eden, it really does. It says in the Bible, Adam and Eve sinned for the first time, and it was the first time they felt shame. Shame at their nakedness. And they felt if they could clothe themselves, they could hide their shame from God. It was the first time mankind clothed themselves. So you know Adam got dressed right away. (audience laughing) First leaf on the ground, "I'm ready, let's go." (audience laughing) Eve probably shopped that garden three, four days never found anything. Just runnin' around. "I don't know "what he expects us to wear. "There's nothing to wear around here." (audience laughing) Adam's going, "Try the fig." "Nobody wears a fig after September, "you idiot." (audience laughing) "Try the fern." "The fern makes me look fat. "Don't you have an animal to name? "Get out of here." (audience laughing) It's amazing how quick Tammy's vision would come back when she was dressed. Because she'd leave the closet, look at me and go, "You're not wearin' "those clothes out, are you?" "No, these are my practice clothes. "They went out of style "while I was waitin' "for you to get dressed." (audience laughing) I mentioned my grandbabies, I am a grandfather. And anybody here that is a grandparent knows, those are the most special people on the planet, they really are. (audience applauding) And they're the most heartwarming. (audience cheering) And I could tell you where I was and what time of day it was, when my granddaughter, the first grandchild we had, said my name, Papa. She was in the bathtub, we were watching her, she was at the house, and she was splashing around the tub in the early evening, and my wife calls me into the bathroom, she says, "You gotta hear this." And my little granddaughter's sittin' there, and Tammy says, "Evelyn, who is that?" And Evelyn goes, "Papa." I'm tellin' ya, man, (audience laughing) I started crying. (audience laughing) And that's when Tammy said, "You need to get a blood test "for that low T stuff." (audience laughing) I'm not kiddin' ya. (audience laughing) She says, "You need to go "get tested for low T." Sir I honored my wife, that's what you do. You honor your wife. I got tested, blood test. Anyway, they call me up and they go, "You don't have low T." I go, "I don't?" And he goes, "No, you have no T. "None, zero. (audience laughing) "We had to retest you it was so low." They told me I was elevated in estrogen. I had high estrogen levels and no testosterone. Which explained all the HGTV I had been watching. (audience laughing) Yeah, my friends would call me on Sunday, "Hey man, the Bears are on." I'd go, "No way, man, "Chip and Joanna got a special." (audience laughing) So I said to the doctor, "If I do this T thing, "what will it do for me?" And he said, "You'll be like "a 25 year old man again." I went, "Really? "Will I be that stupid? (audience laughing) "'Cause I gotta tell ya, "I don't think my body "could survive my 20s again, "I really don't." (audience laughing) He said, "No, you'll "be like a 25 year old." I go, "Really? "I got a 58 year old "menopausal wife at home. "Think I should consult her to see if "she wants a 25 year old man "chasin' her around?" (audience laughing) She'd finally put a knife in my chest and end it. I know she would. (audience laughing) Next thing you know she's on Dateline tryin' to defend herself. (audience laughing) You ever watch Dateline? I'm tellin' ya, the whole franchise is spouses killing each other. That's it. Men, watch five Datelines with your wife. You'll look her right in the eye, "We doin' all right, you and me?" (audience laughing) I'm tellin' ya, that menopause, I didn't see it comin', I really didn't. There are nights that I lie in bed and dream about the good old days of PMS, trust me. (audience laughing) There are weeks that go by I cannot get our home cold enough for her body. I'm tellin' you, there's not enough Freon in the world. If there's a hole in the ozone, it's over the roof of my home in Tennessee. (audience laughing) It's 48 degrees in my bedroom. I got meat hangin' off my curtain rods. (audience laughing) She walks in and turns on some 64 bladed fan she installed. I had to bolt the furniture to the floor to keep from gettin' sucked up through the roof. She stands in the middle of the room. "Why is it so hot in here, Jeffrey? "Why is it so hot?" I can't see her because of the fog that's comin' out of her mouth. (audience laughing) And then she wakes me up to feel her night sweats. Is that even necessary? (audience laughing) I'm sound asleep when she zips my parka open while I'm layin' there. (audience laughing) "Wake up and feel this, "Jeffrey, it's disgusting. (audience laughing) "Look at me, there's like "a furnace in me or something. "You're lucky you don't have "to go through this." "You know, I wouldn't "if you'd quit wakin' me up "and tellin' me about it. (audience laughing) "I could sleep right "through the persperating. "I could. "Doesn't make a lot of noise." (audience laughing) Oh, and one night I wake up, there's a human being at the foot of my bed, three o'clock in the morning, I don't know if you've ever had this, there's a full grown human, at three in a dark room, (gasp) I almost, (gasp) I almost had a heart attack. It was her. (audience laughing) She's at the foot of my bed, cutting off the bottom of her flannel pajamas with scissors. (audience laughing) 'Cause they were stickin' to her sweaty legs. (audience laughing) And this demonic thing was comin' out of her mouth. (evil snarling) (audience laughing) I'm not kiddin', I grabbed my sons the next day, I said, "Mom's goin' through "some serious stuff here." (audience laughing) "Like what?" "Remember those nights "you didn't do you homework, "she'd get mad and "yell at you real loud?" He goes, "Yeah, I remember that." "This is different. "She might be cryin'. "And then stab ya."
