Oklahoma Is The Home Of Stupid. Russ Nagel - Full Special

Oh bagel that's the worst taste in donut I've ever had some states you work you don't want to be there I was in Alabama last year for the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah I'm part Jewish I asked a guy said hey do you have Rosh Hashanah here he said no sir we have Nickelodeon in esp that's okay I like that joke I do it every jokes I know half of you will laugh rest over you're looking at me like a Jew boy from the south I have a yarmulke with a John Deere patch on it you flip it over it's a do-rag I'm not making it up that's actually true I'm part Jewish I'm part Indian and I was raised Catholic I just stood at the altar with a full headdress going how much of these wafers just give me a half a one and call me run them over y'all get the flame part don't you which is fine because that's all Jewish or people are famous for phlegm money and bagels you know what a bagel is right guys that in Texas some on the back goes that's a hunting dog they go not beagle Oh bagel that's the worst taste and doughnut I've ever had that's like how fast are you going your head hit the pavement a lot of people don't know this about Texas there's a state law when you get to the state line you have to change heads did you know that sweetheart got it take off your smart head and put on the stupid and of course people from Oklahoma where they can drive right in they're dumb as a bowl of dirt in Oklahoma I was in Ardmore Oklahoma I saw a bumper sticker and said if you can read this you're not from here [Applause] I found this out while I was in Oklahoma did you know if you go through a drive-through fast food restaurant without a car they'll get mad this is a true story yeah whenever I work a club owned land it's the club owner responsibility for my accommodations and this club owner has put me up in a hotel that's right across the parking lot y'all notice I didn't say Street right it's right across the parking lot from a Burger King and I stumbled over there one night midnight one o'clock after a show I was a little bit of nybridge and okay I won't lie to you I was a lot a bit inebriated but I knew better than to drive and I got to the to the Burger King and the doors were locked y'all but but that drive-thru was open I was just standing at the speaker [Music] and that woman that lives in that box right there she said welcome to Burger King may I take your order I was like yeah I want a whopper with cheese when I want a small fry and I want a coke and she said are you in a car I don't know can you see me [Music] she wouldn't serve me yeah I had to hitchhike in the drive-through oh hey dude could you take me to that first window right there I can help with gas he wouldn't do it I had to get a taxi here fifty six dollars for a whopper somebody looking at me like you're waiting on the Indian and the construction worker to come out I'm not with that group I'm the guy that holds up the line at airport security but anyway nice but let me say what they did the day before I think it started I went to McDonald's up the street and I went to the drive-thru and I got like a number two and I got up to the window and this rather large lady leaned out she goes 585 I was like at least I always do stuff like that you see these people that went there they put their little kids on a leash I just walk up and Pat them on the head does he bite so nice to be here man this is my first time to Provo my first time to drive out here on i-15 I pretty much have eight lives left at this point you guys see a Louisiana license plate y'all are like merge I don't even know what is speed limits on i-15 I'm doing 80 you people are flying by me like I'm sitting still you're police pulls me he's like you know why I stopped you I'm like you couldn't catch anybody else [Music] and I like the police a lot of comics talk about him I think they do a fine job one of my favorite shows as cops comes on Saturday nights on the Fox Network they were filming it live last week in my hometown I was watching it and all of a sudden my front door got kicked in all I saw was the back of my head on my TV I know that dude what are you gonna do when they come for you I'll run like the wind actually not that I would have to run have you seen some of these cops that are on that ship okay I'm not saying these boys are out of shape but if you're on a foot chase and the cameraman passes you you might want to jump up on the NordicTrack that's all I'm saying drop the doughnut and jog roll the doughnut and chase it like I should talk I checked into the hotel I checked into my hotel they're like we have a gym here I'm like okay I've been timid by I go to the gym because it last time I walked into a gyms guy 6-4 2-6 T not an ounce of fat he's like can you spot me yeah I spotted you from the road my lord your massive he said no can you spot me on the bench yo dog if you can't lift it I don't feel the need to workout I think I think I'm 57 years old I'm in pretty good shape I think I do one setup a day in the morning when I get up that's half and tonight when I lay down that's gonna be the other half but it is nice to be here man I think I've never been here I did I did I wrote in my motorcycles parked right across the street 2007 FL HR that's a road key I've got the ape hangers on and I don't have them on there because they're comfortable I just figure if I get pulled over already be in position but you can check it it's out there Louisiana license plate I don't like to fly flying scares me I have a friend he knows I don't like to fly and he's always tried to convince me with this he tells me that more people are killed in automobile accidents than there are in plane crashes if you ever heard that okay well that that might be true right never failed 30,000 feet out of my Buick which is another thing when I'm flying why do they why do they feel the need to tell me how high I am but do you ever notice that we'll be cruising at an altitude of 38,000 feet well I really don't care you know as long as we clear the obstacles on the ground that's all I care about you know that's like being on a cruise ship I don't care how deep the water is as long as we stay on top I try to appease you with that one on the airplane they'll tell you they say in the event of a water evacuation your seat cushion will turn into a flotation device really why doesn't the plane turn into a boat about that my seats going to float that's supposed to make me feel better yeah y'all know what dead bodies flu I'll grab me a phat gun running like a waverunner too much crazy stuff going on out there with airplanes I'll tell you why I bring this up I went to see this movie recently that just came out called a Sully star Tom Hanks and it was about that US Airways passenger jet that took off from LaGuardia Airport and it flew in a flock of birds and they had to turn around but they couldn't make it back to LaGuardia and Sully Sullenberger had to land in the Hudson River The Ultimates landed into the Hudson River how many of you all remember that photo op of the jet floating on top of the river and all the passengers were standing on the wings waiting to be rescued yeah not one of them was holding a seat cushion I think I figured it out that's probably the first thing you saw when you find out you're going down you're like I don't believe I'm gonna be taking that with me well no ma'am it used to be blue you guys should make the back of the seat the floatation I'll travel all over the country doing theirs like you said I work on board carnival and Princess Cruise Line's I get to go all over the country all over the world actually I was just in the Caribbean you walked down the beach in the Caribbean all they want to do is braid your hair and I'm not gonna do that again because it's it you're like a son of a guy I know I think it's these little beads that they put on here I I leave here I go home for a couple days then I go to New York typify like going up north man except when I do people make fun of me because the way I talk because my southern accent last time I was in New York I had a young man wanted to fight me because I talk funny and he pulled a knife on me and get this it was a butter knife then what you gonna do spread me to death I'm from Louisiana I did 19 months in prison I'll stick it in you the knife people let let me tell you this I've been in this business almost thirty years let me tell you the strangest thing that's ever happened to me in my career I was doing a show not long ago when I say not long ago three or four years ago little town called Pikeville Kentucky I had a gentleman on my front row he didn't say a word during my show but he stood up took off his right shoe and then his sock and he put his foot up on the stage and he looked at me he said what do you think of that all right I looked down this man has six toes and on my mother's life I'm not making this up this man had six toes he said what do you think of that I think your mother had a tough time with that story there's a little piggy you've got one that's homeless I'm pretty sure he's not gonna wee-wee we know it I broke my middle toe on my right foot about three weeks ago does anyone here know what a doctor does to fix a broken toe no they people say nothing but they actually do something to fix it somebody just said it they tape it to your next toe where were you three weeks ago that cost me 200 FDA dollars no he did he taped it to my next toe I could have done that I'm from the South I have a degree in duct tape let me tell you something you laughs you give me a roll of duct tape some hay bail and wiring a beach towel I'll make you seat covers for your car he taped it to my neck so I walked out of there thinking God I didn't break a kneecap I'll never get to Provo you know how hard it is to ride a hog sidesaddle Provo Utah man my career is on fire [Applause] that's a lovely tie I got in town last night the other comic wanted to go if you wanted to go do karaoke let me tell us some about karaoke kind of like your first kiss a lot of fun what you're doing it but afterwards you should apologize some probe all that way of Florida I was just in Florida I was in st. Augustine Florida which it by the way I don't know if you know this or not st. Augustine Florida is the oldest city in the United States you can go there and see all the buildings that they've built way back in the 1500s and then you can go to Tampa and you can actually meet the people that built them then you can drive down to Naples and meet their parents there's a lot of old people in Florida I was at a Walmart the greeter said I don't know can you clear can I get you a casket it's a super center you know they sell them yes I'm not talking to old like 80 or 90 my mother and father of that age I'm talking people in their late 100 early 200s I mean they would come to my shows like this and stare at me like the Amish at Best Buy I've never actually seen dead people set up the very first time I was ever down in Florida I was in Miami beautiful city by the way Miami Florida and I'm playing golf with a friend of mine who grew up in the state of Florida on the golf course with us and apparently this is very popular is an alligator and I'm freaking out and my friend he doesn't even flinch he just looks at me he goes you know Russ hey buddy hey bro hey Mindy no those alligators they can run 35 miles an hour not if he's chasing me he'll be slipping in some poop I'll see you at the windmill I think it tax you today here from Provo here down into Salt Lake I wanted to see y'all's downtown I took a taxi from Provo to Salt Lake and my about halfway through my ride I looked at my driver I was like is there somebody chasing us [Music] he knows that y'all drive here I was in Memphis Tennessee recently I went to Elvis's house Graceland they are so proud of Elvis in Memphis they have a 1 900 the King I called it the line was dead that they were all funding up bill Fallon I grew up with Elvis I'm not making fun of Elvis I'm 57 years old but if Elvis is so great why is he buried in his backyard like a hamster he was too fat to flush and he was right there too when he passed away anybody old enough to remember that Elvis was sitting on the toilet best think somebody was standing outside the door going hey Elvis would you do die in there and here like I'll let y'all off the hook I was reading I was reading your newspaper today y'all had a gas station right or a convenience store something like that that got robbed last night one line of the paragraph in the paper said the suspect fled on foot the next line said the Provo police broadcast a description of the getaway car thank y'all rusty I'll take all the time you need I picture your police going he's in a pair of late-model tennis shoes that's uh that's license plate Romeo echo echo Bravo Plus Reebok he's really moving captain we think he's got him pumped up come on man he's flat on foot in the getaway car it was Fred Flintstone I was in my hotel I heard yabba-dabba-doo going down a road probably cuz y'all wouldn't let him merge I like y'all I really do but what does yield mean here just go for it in Spanish lord have mercy and you have to read the paper that's where comedy is trust me when I say this next part that I'm about to say and I do mean this from the bottom of my heart I appreciate each and every one of you for coming out supporting live comedy and giving me the opportunity to work but pick up your newspaper watch television or surf the Internet comedies right there comedy will write itself anybody see this this was about eight months ago and USA Today we're that hunter in Wilmington North Carolina shot and killed a jogger David because he thought it was a deer how many times you've been deer hunting seen a deer run by with earbuds and some sweatpants is that a whitetail I don't know says love pink I don't make this stuff 18 months ago USA Today a nine-year-old boy nine years old pulled a knife on his mother told her he was going to cut her throat because she wouldn't take him back to McDonald's because he got the wrong toy with this Happy Meal y'all notice that I wait just a couple seconds yeah you know why I do that cuz people laugh at that people laughing and I've just given you example what I think is wrong with this world people are afraid of their kids people are afraid of their kids there's there's people are out there right now that didn't in my audience and out there in TV land that are afraid of your kids and I tell you what if you're afraid up why don't you bring them to my hotel and I'll clip that butt for you all right because I'm gonna say this right now I don't know how y'all were raised I'm not from here but I'll tell you this if I was nine you know what but let's say it was twenty nine and pulled a knife on my mother not only would I be in my room waiting on my daddy to get home but I'm pretty sure I've got a knife broke off in someplace where I don't want it to be because my mama didn't play that my mother is old-school you young people in here with your little time out see see people in here that are my age or older or black people we didn't have no time what is timeout gives them more time to think of more stuff to do that's all time out of it you mess up in my house my mother would whip you with that wooden spoon right I'm not talking about that little one out of your kitchen drawer I'm talking about that big one she had hanging up on the wall she'd grabbed that spoon maybe the fork a yardstick dishrag tennis shoe flyswatter hairbrush telephone extension cord my older brother a tire my mother's favor saying was Oh get up you're not hurt I don't even think my mama wanted me I don't say that mean like I'm 57 I didn't find out till I was 40 that I was adopted what's so funny about that I thought that was pretty cool when she told me I was like out of a room full of babies you picked me she's like no you were the last one I'm not adopted I'm not adopted but I do think I'm an accident I'm the baby of my family I'm the eighth of eight children do you guys remember when you were little your face might would get dirty your mother would spit on a napkin and wipe your face my mama spit right in my face hi that's that just gangsters I guess I my boys back home they're like whoo you roll with them like Walmart dog that's my theory about my mother I'll see if I can prove this to you I'm originally from Louisiana and I don't live there anymore and I was back home about about seven months ago visiting my mother I found my birth announcement my birth announcement my local newspaper in the year 1959 said born to the Nagle family boy he was he was 7 pounds 10 ounces 19 and a half inches long will well trade for bass boat I'd say let me tell it self my mother is young people appreciate this my mother just turned 91 years old for her birthday I got her bellybutton pierced whatever she kept losing her car keys I gotta I gotta wrong with that retractable cable on it she goes to the casinos a lot puts a player's card on I don't live in uh I don't live in the Louisiana more I actually live here in Utah I actually moved here about ten years ago and I tell people this is God's country I will never ever leave the state of Utah I live up in Clinton around the Ogden area I'm married into a Mormon family out of fun at Thanksgiving right there cuz I'm raised Catholic I'm raised Catholic do I by chance have any Catholics with me probably at a bar somewhere playing bingo got it Baptist to have any Baptist people with me no BAPS has got a couple of you well you know this is a bar you I'm not supposed to be in here had to put their beer down to clap they don't serve alcohol in here I do I have any uh don't have any Protestants and wouldn't Protestants because I asset somebody told me this that Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Church and that Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah and Baptist people don't recognize each other to liquor store I'll tell you what wherever you find for Baptists you'll find 1/5 thanks for getting that when I work Canada I have to change it to leader don't have any Jehovah's Witnesses with me any jobless witness I'm not gonna pick on you there's five thousand religions out there I don't know which one is right Jehovah's Witnesses believe that the good Lord is only gonna call home 144,000 people but I don't know if that's true but if it is I wouldn't be going around people's houses and telling them about it I need to increase my odds as much as possible here's how there's always a stretch do I have any have any atheist or any agnostic with me you guys are afraid to clap cause I'm a point to jehovah's witness in the mormons towards your house you guys are so much fun agent called me deaf people wanted to do this i said yeah that sounds like a lot of fun and because what kind of set you or do they change cents every week every and I said well you know I'm a biker I'd like a bikers [Applause] [Music] I guess I can use that if they do a remake of The Wizard of Oz who he's the wicked old biker I am married I've been married for 15 years I have two stepdaughters and I don't like that term stepdaughter I prefer wedding present two little girls I love them to death their names are excess and baggage Oh some of y'all just mad cuz you didn't think of it I make jokes about him I love him to death XS is 13 and baggage baggage is 17 and she's unmarried and she just had a little baby so now I have excess baggage in a carry-on because guess who they're living with I do have a brand-new baby granddaughter her name is unique that's her name it's unique I'll have her with me at the grocery store the mall people go oh she's beautiful what's her name I go it's unique they go really what is it I go it's unique really what is it is unique that's her brother for real my daughter gets mad at me cuz I call her Uniqua I have actually I have six kids I know that probably scares y'all know that I'm reproducing I do have six children I have nine grandchildren two of which my wife and I are raising because somebody else isn't my wife and I are raising two of my grandchildren Ethan Ethan and Murray Ethan is six and Maria's four she'll be five next month and Ethan I love him to death he's at the stupid question I just asked you the dumbest stuff in the world I had him out fishing and not long ago and he calls me Popo and he said to me simple Poe why don't why don't the fish down there in that water why don't those fish rust Oh get up you're not hurt that's not salt water [Applause] we're coming home on the highway we have the windows down you don't want to car flies by you on a two-lane highway it goes because no Ethan said to me he said Pope Otis our car make that same noise like that when they goes by their car I had no idea so I get home right and I tell my wife I said look you get in my car try not to get ahead of me I said Ethan and I are gonna get in your car we're just gonna listen for what we hear when we pass and all I heard when she went by was your I guess not and Marie oh my lord she's gonna turn out to be a fine young lady I said she'll be five next month I know this just for the simple fact she's already asking me for designer clothes and she's five years old overly five years old I said what do you want for your birthday baby girl she said I want some OshKosh B'gosh I said okay do they sell that at kkq mark because we'll be sure and get you some shoes overpay papal s which is where I buy their shoes where buy the shoes because I learned this my wife and I have a 13 year old son together his name is Taryn a Taryn with a tee ter R a and he's named after two of my brothers Terry in there and my wife let me pick that name out and we're still fighting about it because it's not a common name for a little boy we can't find a license plate for his bicycle I said if he takes after my brothers he'll be making his own license plate that's a whole nother show right there Terrence 13 years old I came in off the road he said he wanted he said he wanted some air Jordan I didn't know what this was at the time turns out it's a tennis shoe ever heard of this it's an Air Jordan I said okay that's fine why do you want that he said because they make you jump higher and I took him to the mall $180 I jumped out high right there a little boy got everything in the world Nintendo a PlayStation PlayStation 4 Xbox Xbox Kinect he got everything man that's what kids did they have I just got him to smarten his first smartphone he's 13 we didn't think he'd really needed a smartphone but my wife and I figured if we got him one he could teach me and my wife how to use ours and he got it taken away the first day back in school because he got caught texting his girlfriends I had to go to the school to pick up his phone and we're driving back home and he lets me he said didn't you ever get your phone taken away while you were in school because anybody in here it is my age or older if you wouldn't wanted to take my phone you would have had to come to my house come in my kitchen and rip it off the wall that my son goes well what did you do for self-service we had that long cord that would reach into every room in the house that was in well how did you text your girlfriend's we wrote him out on a piece of paper and then we folded them up we handed it to him hoping we wouldn't get caught then we spent 10 minutes watching them trying to open it he's something else man I won't play video games but I'm horrible at him I'm horrible at him he got his John Madden football game beat me 97 to nothing 97 to nothing he gets mad even letting me pick my own team I follow the NFL I picked a great team I had Tom Brady's my quarterback Drew Brees I had Peyton Manning Aaron Rodgers I tried to pick him the worst team he let me pick his team so quarterback I had Tony Romo and uh yeah and I had Colin Kaepernick because I knew he'd never get off his knee and he beat me 97 to nothing I had a great team and then I made him come into the kitchen and play football the way I played football 27:24 anyway you guys are fun I was gonna get a little drink here gets a little warm up here the heat escapes through your head so it's always good when you're under hot lights like a french fry you should wear a leather hat oh that's cute they put a little straw in my drink it's kind of hard to be tough with that right there you know you know they call these a straw or a stirrer maybe here in Utah they call them swizzle sticks I don't drink anymore I don't drive been sober for 15 years in the worst 15 years of my life that I wasn't good at drinking I don't know you know and I don't advocate it I love working this club I know it's non-alcoholic I think it's fantastic I I was not good at drunk one time years ago I'm talking years ago I got so drunk I came in I fell asleep with my TV on and apparently was on mute I wake up the next morning thought I drank myself to death [Music] I'm just not good at it man I wasn't good at it but this right here see here's what happened when you go to a bar I don't know if any of you guys drink like I said I don't advocate it but they put these in your drink and they call them straw stars or swizzle you know what this that this is the DUI waiting to happen that's all it is right cuz you're at a bar it's in your drink you're driving home and you're chewing on them right now this is a true story and I'm going back 17 years true story Little Rock Arkansas I'm headed back to my hotel one night and I had one of these I'm in my car I'm tooling home right and I'm having a good time [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Music] you have no idea how true this story and again I'm not advocating drinking and driving I think it's the third worst thing in the world behind rape and murder but I'll tell you what I do love southern policemen that man did not ask me for my driver's license he came just I stormed out to my car he keeps towards my car because have you been drinking [Music] [Music] [Laughter] [Laughter] if you make me laughing wow that was a good my friends back home can I travel all over the country doing this and I hope I do get to see you maybe on a Carnival cruise lines or Princess cruise lines the ones that I work you can friend me on Facebook facebook.com slash America's Funniest biker the easiest way to find me is america's funniest biker calm all my links are there Facebook Twitter Instagram why I'm on Twitter I've got like 6 followers I think it's much easier for me just to call them hoping in Provo I'm gonna be in Provo I'm gonna be in Provo come on there but I I work the road a lot and people find that I I don't live in Louisiana anymore and I live here and Utah oh oh did you lose your house in that hurricane uh no actually I lost my house in a divorce because I was married to a Katrina and and the wife I have now I love to do I do that I say that a million times during my shows you can see right there I wear a ring finger a gold band on my ring finger I don't mess around on my wife but I did learn my lesson in my first marriage I don't make a whole lot doing what I do up here but I did make enough that my wife and I signed a prenup she's not getting my computer I'm on Facebook my friends go all you live in Utah did you marry you do you have multiple wives I don't know why that's still a myth here in Utah you have multiple wives no I married a girl with multiple personalities what's cheaper the only problem with that is we're out to dinner I don't know who haven't having dinner with cuz we got an argument not long ago with the Cheesecake Factory we got an argument said let me be frank and my wife goes no let me be frank I'll see you guys again I'm resting a lot to Detroit Utah to see you again [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,282,354

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Russ Nagel, Russ Nagel Dry Bar Comedy, Russ Nagel Comedian, Russ Nagel Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, dbc, Stand Up, biker Comedy, burger king, Drive thru, Biker, Bagel, Beagle, Scared of flying, grandson, unique, uncle

Id: jNtmyTyV7LA

Length: 41min 31sec (2491 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 23 2020