Millennials Shouldn't Be Cops. Vinnie Montez - Full Special

millennial cops are entering the police force one of the ladies i work with she's constantly you know as a cop i am a big guy i like to lift weights uh if you ever see me running after somebody and you happen to see that site hit them with your car because they're wanted for a serious crime i mean this is not foot pursuit material is what i'm saying right i mean downhill we got a good shot at it right stopping will be a problem oh you guys are good i'm gonna switch it up here because you guys like that well i'm gonna this is what we're gonna do i didn't know i was gonna talk about this but we're gonna talk about it millennial cops are entering the police force i'm gonna say one more time millennial cops are entering the police force we were reading reports one night it was a dui report and it was nothing but emojis so like what is this the younger officer is like what are you talking about sarge emoji drunk emoji get to the jail poop emoji poop emoji oh i guess it's okay then the funny thing is a lot of these guys and gals they don't want to drive normal cop cars you know like interceptors and tahoes they want to drive priuses but priuses that are only battery powered can you imagine somebody call 9-1-1 there's been a terrible accident send help i can't sarge i haven't recharged yet i haven't recharged yet they trying to do a roadblock people just like kick the car out of the way [Applause] my favorite time of the year to be a cop is halloween time because you see the craziest stuff and uh you know it it comes at you you got to deal with it this last halloween i'm driving down the boulevard and there's a lady on the corner dressed up like a white cotton ball so i was like what rip it what are you she's like me i was like yeah you what are you she's like i am a loofah are you a dirty officer maybe she's like good and i'm like you know i realize with all the stuff going on with cops around the country that we got to be proactive right and building rapports with citizens you know what i'm saying so i'm like i got you sister i grabbed the strobe lights i turned them all on i grabbed my pa and i'm all she's like oh my goodness i didn't know we were gonna make money i got you that's the scariest thing you've ever seen i sure hope he knows where the end of the stage is timber we got a patron down in the front row picture down mexican down too michigan so i'm into it right i got this side of the street this side of the street not paying attention there comes my supervisor driving around the corner i know right i didn't know what to do so i tased the loofah twice that's a little too much clapping back there sir hey [ __ ] i've done that third time third all right you guys get a good looking crowd tonight my name is vinnie montez uh i hail from denver colorado uh from a non-traditional mexican family there's only four of us in my family [Laughter] my 69 year old mother is the ringleader of the family five foot tall less than 100 pounds just pure lightning in her veins all right when i was a kid i could come home with a compound fracture she'd immediately revert back to the last time i was melting off see me call and god punishes without a belt where's the love not hear me he thought not here emijito means my son my little son although i'm not little anymore uh oh man i'll tell you what uh my mom uh she's always telling me weird things she's like nice you're getting a little bit too big you know you need to slow down not be eating so much i'm like all right but then the next thing she tells me she's like better come over tonight we're gonna have enchiladas tostadas in tamales that's going to work on the midsection here mother let's get this out of the way right now i'm actually i'm a cop currently right now been a cop for the last 21 years it's a lot of fun uh think about it is though when i became a cop uh with the academy in 97 became a cop in 98 uh i didn't sign up to deal with bears all right that's all i'm saying right now this lady called 9-1-1 she's like there's the bear in my kitchen there's a bear in my kitchen i'm like that's my problem i mean if it was a brown bear right i could do something about it i'd be like they got the enchiladas in the freezer but that wasn't the situation right so my partner comes out of the station right the night that we got this call i was paired up with one of the swat guys all right i'm not a swat guy but he was and he comes out of the station he's like yeah bro we're gonna go get the bear bro you know he's that one cop that just has that swagger yeah bro [Music] so captain america and i are going to get this bear and we're going up the canyon and he's in the pasture seat i'm driving lights and sirens we're going with this call this lady's calling now one they're updating us on dispatch and he's just in the passenger seat so we get to the call and before i could stop him he gets out of the car he grabs the shotgun he's all shhh i'm all dude you cannot shoot a bear with the shotgun bro the subaru drivers will not put up with that bro any subaru drivers in here tonight shut up nobody cares nobody cares [Applause] so before i could stop captain america he runs into the house i wish i was making this part up but this is completely true i'm standing outside this is the very next thing that i hear oh here bear bear bear hey bear where you at bear this dude is in there like elmer fudd i'm gonna find out there i'm gonna find a bear i just want to point out at this point in time in the show i was still outside the house okay because i know better my mom raised a smart kid and i'm thinking to myself what's the swat guy in there doing like searching the house all tactically and everything he's gonna round the corner in the kitchen come face to face with the bear and be like [Music] hey boo-boo got a picnic baskets the bear and i had a lot in common he came in the house he obtained the food and left said house i want to let you know super drivers it was okay nobody got hurt during the scenario just want to make sure you're not going to come up here and yell at me but speaking about subaru drivers the only reason i give them a hard time is because every time i gotta go somewhere there they are blocking the fast lane where i work we had a riotous situation involving a bunch of subaru drivers they're like i say protest protests protest protests and the bosses were like you know what we're going to call out the riot team we're going to shoot them with a bunch of pepper balls and i'm like why that's a good waste of pepper balls if you're going to shoot them with anything shoot them with gluten balls be like [Applause] gluten gurney but then one of the soupy nation would come out wait a minute i'm the leader of the subi nation it's the assistant leader right here i got the antidote for the gluten don't worry i'm prepared just a little essential peppermint oil underneath the eyes [Applause] you see those reflexes oh man that's awesome uh talk a little bit about my mom i told you about her uh my mother like i said five foot tall less than 100 pounds just pure lightning in her veins but she's a lady that wants to know what's going on out there on the streets she's like mikhail i'm going down the ride along with you really i need to know what's going on i don't trust the news i want to see for myself but every time she rides along with me she gets way too involved in this situation the last time she rode along we got called to a park a skate park where a bunch of kids were being pushed around by a drunk guy so we get there and i go up to the dude and i'm like hey let's go to detox bro no ticket no jail what do you say he says let me tell you something fat boy i'll kick your butt fat boy my mother hears this from my patrol car she grabs the pa mika you need some backup then this dude starts it on my mom he's like who's that old mexican hag in the car don't worry you don't know my mom without missing a beat miko give me the green light i'll cut him with my straight razor [Music] i'm working up here big guy like me i'm 245 pounds that's what i am that was a little too much sir i can take it though i can take it it's one of the subaru drivers i know it's forester tule rack on top i learned a hard lesson recently fellas pay attention one more time fellas take note so it's the middle of the night let me paint you the picture it's three o'clock in the morning i get up to go to the bathroom i handle my business i don't turn on a single light because i am a professional i'm on my way back to bed and from downstairs i hear crash kaboom so i stop and i listen because there is criminal activity afoot and from the bed i hear babe babe did you hear that did you hear that to which i replied and about 10 seconds of silence went by and then i heard did you just shush me in this house you don't stress me in this house but i couldn't see her face but in my mind that's what she was doing and i'm like you want to have an argument right now i'm thinking i might have to kill somebody so i got tired of it i walked down the stairs i was looking for the burglar because if i would have found him i'd have been like sir upstairs for a store on your left things haven't been the same since uh my goodness you guys are an awesome crowd uh i don't take myself too seriously because i don't think you can i got into comedy because uh i wanted to protect my mental health we see a lot of things and i can share and twist them with you and it's important to me to keep that mental health strong and i don't want to want to be one of those jaded cops at the end of a 20 or 30 year career but the best example of this is i love it when people are quick witted we had a fight at one of the colleges i showed up i get out of my car there's these two young guys standing on the corner so i said hey bro did you guys see the fight over here young guy's like dude totally saw what happened bro totally saw what happened okay i'm like okay overachiever could you write me a written statement he's like no i could send you a text message so i don't want to get into it with this kid so i give him my phone number and 20 minutes later he sends me a text message hey popo i ain't no rap popo that's not the bad part on busy nights when i'm working this kid still sends me random text messages hey popo we're about to leave the bar where you guys at right now 30 minutes later hey popo we made it home but we're out of food can you make a pizza run you can't get mad at that you cannot get mad at that that is genius dude when i see that guy again i'm gonna be like high five bro that is awesome that's awesome you're going to jail for sure with that all i'm saying for sure he's a subaru driver that's it tomorrow is 4 20. and i am a cop right and where i work it's actually legal i'm not a proponent of it i don't believe in it but i have to work with it right last 420 i decided to work the event because it was overtime and they needed cops to do it so i showed up and i was like how hard could it be to work a 420 event right a bunch of stoners hang out should be pretty chill so i get there and it's three o'clock in the afternoon and there's 10 000 people on the field and it is just a cloud of smoke what i didn't realize is you could get a contact high more importantly i didn't realize is if i get a contact high i become mexican tickle me elmo [Applause] dispatch start calling me on the radio vinnie can we get a status you in there dispatch go ahead anybody want to take me to taco bell right now [Laughter] everybody's looking right is he laughing is he laughing i'm probably the only person that could get away with that joke here sorry uh one of the ladies i work with she challenged me she's like you know what if you serious about getting in shape you should try yoga and i was like yoga you can't challenge me to do something and think i won't do it all right so i i did it i went to the yoga studio i signed up problem was i accidentally signed up for hot power yoga [Applause] and if you don't know what hot power yoga is let me tell you they put you in there for 90 minutes in a floor with just wood floor and stuff like that and then they turn the thermostat all the way up you cannot challenge me to do anything in this world without me preparing so on my way to hot power yoga i stopped at taco bell and got my usual [Applause] [Laughter] i love that guy back there he's my new friend so i'm in this class and we're about 45 minutes into it right and i'm in downward dog at this point and you think i'm sweating now lake havasu was forming underneath me and the funny part about it there was a really cute girl next to me and lake havasu was getting closer misty the instructor was like shaking her head throughout the class i was already mad because they don't make yoga mats for fat people like me okay there was no cup holder for my diet pepsi about an hour into the class i hear this [Laughter] misty focuses on me at this point in time they put me in the final position in the final pose which is child's pose huddled up with a little ball you all know what a jake break sounds like when it lets loose misty's hair blew back like it was hiroshima people were running for the room point is i'm no longer welcome at hot power yoga oh goodness that's awesome i got any latinos in here my rasa two people all right we always got back up quick shout out to the kitchen now don't tighten up on me here okay we're having a good time all right i love my mexican people all right i love my rasa but we make it way too easy to get pulled over [Laughter] one of my cousins passed me and i was like what he leaned out the window he's like hey i thought what you pulling me over for i'm like you're not familiar with mpc mexican probable cause [Laughter] he's like what is that holmes of like i'm like if your name appears in your car in any location in old english fonts that is mexican problem because if instead of a throbbing base i hear a throbbing accordion mpc baby and last but not least if the tires and the rims cost more than the actual vehicle you were trying [Applause] that is mexican probable cuts oh i love that joke because it's true i love my people but it's true i just wanna like before i retire as a cop like i hope to get 30 years in so i got like nine more but i just like to i just like to take my car out one night roll the seat back just a little bit so they couldn't see who was in the car and just go screaming down the road right and just be like they'd be like now an emergency yes one of your cars is missing apparently been stolen down the road because i just have mexican music blaring out of it [Applause] [Music] [Applause] all right i want to do this one thing with you guys because it made me feel so good recently i'm part of this group called htb humanize the badge there's a bunch of officers around the country that try to humanize the badge and you know people know that not all cops are bad out there and uh we went to las vegas not long ago to speak with some of the kids in the jail and uh while we were there i learned about this awesome place you may not maybe you know about it it's called the shake shack and they're like they got a peanut butter chocolate shake and i was like oh and they were talking to me so we're going i'm like when i obviously you know i eat well and what i'm saying is i was so excited we're driving this place and i just got it in my head you could tell i'm really energetic so i start singing to myself where are we going shake shack who's going we're going where are we going shake sack so the next thing you know is we're driving down the strip in las vegas we got the cars next to us doing where are we going chick sick who's so i want to do with you can i do that with you guys so i say where are we going you say shank shaq when i say who's going you say we're going and i'm gonna say where are we going you say shake shack can y'all handle that all right here we go i want you loud and proud where are we going who's going where are we i got to get out of here pretty quick but let me tell you this where i work i actually i am from denver colorado but i grew up and i am from originally boulder colorado which is right up against the mountains right um any other buffs in here tonight see you buffs school buffs all right enough uh where i work people do a lot of crazy stuff like climb mountains and then they don't know how to get back down so then i get there i'm like what do you want me to do does it actually look like i've been up a mountain they start yelling at me i'm like no sir you cannot jump down on top of me what no i'm not actually inflatable let me ask you a question sir is that your subaru in the parking lot ladies and gentlemen my name is vinnie montez god bless you guys [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,200,112

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Vinnie montez, Vinnie Montez Dry Bar Comedy, Vinnie Montez Comedian, Vinnie Montez Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Millennials, police officers, gen z, cops, the police, millennial, dbc, mexican

Id: ablioI74PcY

Length: 28min 10sec (1690 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 20 2020