Solving The Immigration Problem Is THIS Simple. Robert Mac - Full Special

Panama Mexico all the other ones so I grew up outside Seattle in a little town called Tucson Arizona and when people here I'm from a border state they say Oh immigrations bright a big problem and I say no it's not because I happen to know a lot of stuff all right I didn't graduate from the University of Arizona with a degree in International Studies at all but [Music] I listen and I read a lot of stories on YouTube and I know immigrations not a problem it's a combination of problems with a capital that's too much for most people wrap their brains around well lucky for you my brain is flexible other than that you say think outside the box I say how high immigration is actually two problems one we got a bunch of people who want to be in our country because we're number one and B stands for border we have a border that's too long to protect have you looked at a map recently it's a 2,000 mile dotted line well no wonder so many people are getting through it's a dotted line that's 2,000 miles long hola do you know how long the Panama Canal is probably not it's only ten miles see I told you I happen to know a lot of stuff now the other day after bath time my mom Pat came down to the basement but she knocked first which is our new rule and we were watching the news from Washington and she said I should share my great ideas with the White House because I'm a problem thinker and I've got the doctor's note to prove it but I didn't I didn't come here tonight to talk about Pat because she's not the boss of me right now I came here to tell you that when we issue my shorter border order immigration won't be a problem anymore it's simple we move the border to the Panama Canal which is short and very secure what with all those locks and then we take over all the countries between here and there Panama Mexico all the other ones so all the people who want to come here to America won't have to come here because they'll already be here except down there where they are already but now they'll be paying taxes to Uncle Sam instead of uncle tio or whoever I don't know which one of their relatives is in charge of that but we'll make a bunch of money in taxes and the border will be shorter and easier to keep an order you're totally welcome I just killed two birds with one stone because that's how I roll I'm Robert Mack and I kill birds and I'm traveling the country sharing my plans and I've realized we have a lot of red people in our country and a lot of blue people and I think we need more purple people like Prince and honor of princes memory I think America's forecast is for some Purple Rain because right now our country is by polarized it's black and white and gay and straight and young and old and male and female and we need something more like Prince whatever whatever that was more back because the two-party system doesn't work or maybe it's me maybe I'm just like my mom Pat she's never satisfied with anything that I do why do we scream at each other do you even know what it sounds like when doves cry I do because I killed Birds hi I'm Robert Mac from robber matcom thanks and thanks for coming tonight I know you didn't have to you could have stayed in and turn your brain off and stuck your head in front of that rectangle with the endless parade of changing characters it turns your brain into mush right stupid books can bucks talk to you and show you moving pictures I don't think so save a tree watch TV that's my message to you tonight [Applause] I have a lot of good ideas like that my brain is so dense with ideas I don't want to make it sound like I'm bragging but I'm probably the densest person in this room in fact one of America's smartest doctors is so interested in my great ideas that she interviews me every week in her office for nearly an hour [Laughter] during our last interview session she calls them sessions because they're obviously like music to her ears I called him obsessions because she writes down everything that I say she asked me Robert Mack from rubber matcom if your house ront fire and you can only remove one thing what would it be and as always there are no right or wrong answers and I said well I probably remove the fire [Applause] which i believe is the right answer last week I wore t-shirt and shorts and then also heavy winter coat and then I had to get out a bunch of rain gear then on Tuesday seriously I cannot believe this weather because I'm an atheist and we have trouble believing but it's not as bad as my neighbor he's agnostic he doesn't know whether or not we have whether or not I heard I heard some disturbing weather news recently a bunch of a bunch of science men said a couple of things the science men and the science ladies that they reluctantly allowed on board I don't you call times for a second times for many years it was just science men and then they said fine fine we'll allow a science lady and the first science lady was Marie Curie who's the only person to win two different Nobel prizes in two different fields of science and she discovered radiation and she discovered the only substance harder than diamonds it's an avocado from Trader Joe's what if the Russians were able to weaponize that technology if that and that avocado fell into the wrong hands it would crush those hands times back in anyway the the science Minh they said a couple of things they said every year they look at all the numbers and generally for the most part July of any given month is the hottest month of that year and I thought back when I was a kid fourth of July always hot always July the evidence bears that out I'm not I'm not gonna argue with that all right but what they said next was a little they said July of last year was the hottest month on earth ever and that's a bold thing to say because we're not done with ever yet okay it's a little early to be handing out trophies okay it might not even be the hottest month of the decade let's just see how it plays out okay science man ever for the earth began when the earth began which is 4.5 billion years ago and two and a half years I've done all the research so you guys don't have to and I talked to the specialist and they told me that the earth is 4.5 billion years old and that was about two and a half years ago so you would have to add that to its age and and then the earth will continue to exist for another five to seven billion years - the two and a half years that have already transpired at which time the Sun will turn into a red giant and consume the earth so that that period of time that's that stretch of time is ever for the earth and we're not even halfway done and you don't crown a champion before midseason all right I'm I'm no gambling guy but if I were I'd put all my money on probably the last month of ever I bet you pretty warm I think [Applause] when the Sun expands 250 times its size and turns into a 5,000 degree ball of nuclear fusion vaporizing every atomic bomb that holds the Earth's very existence together that's got to be hotter than July when it gets hot do what I do take a summer vacation to Alaska yeah 7 days 1 night that wasn't everybody so please explain that to the quiet people I don't like July my favorite month is January because that's when my birthday is that's the best month we have it's the best month to have a birthday because you don't have to wait as long and it's also it's the time of year that you get a fresh start I joined a health club because this year because I decided I want to lose about thirty dollars a month and also I like I like January because I do a lot of I do a lot of Christmas parties for companies and those are in December but now a lot of companies are doing their parties in January and I did one that was great they flew me out to California and put me up at a nice place facing the ocean the Atlantic and I was watching The History Channel and sure it's nothing but repeats but I learned something fascinating about California it's the most diverse state in the country because 160 years ago there weren't a lot of people living there and then one guy found one little piece of gold and then men from every corner of the planet came to strike it rich and then they were followed by women who follow men who follow money and that's pretty much how the West was won first the gold diggers and then the gold diggers and it may it makes California very diverse which is fine but also very politically correct because they don't want anyone to be offended by anything so they they didn't call it a Christmas party I said it's a Christmas party and they said well no don't don't say that and I said well then I'll say Happy Hanukkah too and they're like no because then you'll have to say I have a beautiful Boxing Day in a quasi Kwanzaa and a terrific Tim can just forget it it's a holiday party just call it a holiday party and they changed the songs they didn't play I'm dreaming of a white Christmas for two reasons on that one and Frosty the Snowman is now Kaitlynn a person of snow [Laughter] we three kings of Orient are very offended that you would say Orient you can't say Orient any more because they don't want to offend Asians and you can't say spick-and-span any more because they don't want to offend Latinos yeah you you have to say spic-and-span iord it's very very touchy you can't even order a Black Russian in a bar encounter plan excuse me I'd like a former Soviet republic of African descent on the rocks I travel a lot because I'm better than you and I was in Oklahoma recently have you been to Oklahoma ma'am no save your bus fare okay because it's nothing like the musical in Oklahoma I did not have fun there there was a lot of booing going on during my presentation and I'm sorry but a crowd has to be really really stupid for me to boo them [Laughter] I'm driving through the flat part of the state and to get to a better State anyway I'm driving and I'll admit I'm not the best driver I'm probably the only person who ever lost control driving through Mirage I didn't even see it anyway I'm driving and I hit a rabbit and I felt horrible about it I had to look it turns out it wasn't a rabbit it was a cabriolet it's a Volkswagen Rabbit with a different top maybe I didn't mean for that to be funny maybe that's not a joke at all maybe that's a setup for another joke later on and when we get there it'll be hilarious and make up for this awkwardness that you've created here I got hired to work in in North Carolina which is a beautiful place if you don't live in North Carolina it's kind of inconvenient though because they keep it pretty far away from where I live and it was a lunchtime event so I had to I had to wake up extra early and then I had a long drive to go to get there on time it's a you know six seven hour drive and so I got up early had extra coffee which is a great idea unless you happen to have a bladder which which I do and it's tremendous I'm driving down there and my clock is telling me just go don't just keep going but my biner is telling me to stop stop so uh there was a rest stop and I pulled over and I stopped but I didn't rest right I ran to the men's room closed for repairs okay but the women's room was open now I didn't bring my birth certificate with me on this particular trip to North Carolina but there's known around and so I went into the the ladies room now there the government is in charge of the the freeways and the rest stops and I was standing there facing the toilet and I realized oh there may be some federales gonna come by and look under the stall and see that my feet are pointed toward the toilet right so I turn around and I sat down and did it like a lady and I'll tell you it was a revelation I had two free hands and my phone I replied to some emails check the scores and my stocks sent out a couple tweets I've never been so productive in my life and that's how the North Carolina House bill to change my life forever because now I'm a VP ladies style and I get stuff done that was in Bryce Canyon in southern Utah if you haven't been there it's it's these red sandstone arches and towers it's where they filmed the Roadrunner cartoons back when they film cartoons on location before all the animal rights protesters came in and shut down the Acme rockets gate company once and for all and it's beautiful but it's Utah so they say it's beautiful well it's not be Utah full when you're camping in a slot canyon and there's a cloudburst flash flood they kicked us all out I had to get a hotel nothing fancy just a room in this little mom-and-pop and mom and mom and mom and mom and mom place [Applause] why do you think they're called more moms speaking of moms the other day after morning nap my mom Pat came down to the basement even though she's not allowed to without permission and she said stop eating all the chicken salad I said I could have as much chicken salad as I want if he didn't want me to have any chicken salad you shouldn't have put it on the share shelf in the first place and she got really matches no don't eat the chicken salad because I might be tainted with that avian bird flu that's come back and he's already killed a couple people in Canada and a couple months before that was the the e.coli that was in the Chipotle burrito place and a few years before that was the Salmonella that was in the spinach and a bunch of people got sick from that and then before that was the Listeria in the cantaloupe and like 30 people died from that and a few years before that was a mad cow disease that came a couple different times and then before that was that tainted apple juice that killed some people and a couple years before that was that tainted OJ that killed two people with a knife [Applause] true story it's a true story my mom Pat travels and it's great because every time she leaves I don't have a curfew for like two weeks and I could play my own late-night make-believe talk show it's called don't go to bed with Robert Mack anyway that's not funny I don't know why you're laughing at that she left and went on a trip to the South Pacific have you been in the South Pacific no it's nothing like the musical yeah you let the next one don't worry about it anyway she sent me a postcard with a picture of the platypus does anyone know anything about the platypus it's not a well-understood creature anyone it's it's it's what males are poisonous yeah that's true it's uh it's a messed up animal I don't know how it it's so different but it's it has poisonous Spurs in its feet and it's it's a leg I studied in high school so I know a little bit about it have you been in high school it's nothing like the musical [Applause] it has warm-blooded fur like a mammal but on the other hand it lays eggs it's got the cool thing about its it shoots poison out of its feet and they don't know why it's electric like an electric eel but and they don't know why about that and then it shoots poison like if you're chasing it it'll shoot poison can you shoot poison out of your feet I was thinking if anyone on the planet could do that maybe James Bond on a good day at least that's kind of believable you know well Mr Bond this is it not yet [Music] Sean Connery is platypus it's a long way to go to say platypus see I know but I'm not gonna leave you hanging there because the platypus it's a much funnier animal than that it's like us it has a warm blood and fur like a mammal but on the other hand it lays eggs and has a duckbill like a bird it's the el camino of the animal kingdom el camino is half car half truck it's the Jackalope of the auto industry a Jackalope is a rabbit with a different top it's a Cabriolet [Applause] I'm excited to be here I didn't I didn't know if I was gonna there make it here because there was an accident on the big road where I live on the way to the airport and if I missed my flight then I wouldn't be here and I don't think anybody got hurt but I'm I'm lucky to be here tonight all right almost as lucky as you are but not everybody knows how to drive on the big road so I thought I would maybe tell you so why don't you sit down and listen up all right the big road is a tapestry of lanes there's a passing lane and when you want to pass someone you get in the passing lane and you pass them it's pretty simple when you think about it but not everybody does because if you're in the passing lane and cars in the slow lane are going faster than you you my friend are a hole in the tapestry okay you're a pass hole and maybe you should spend your time on the little roads okay I told you I'm not the best driver and I remember this one time Robert Frost once told me a story about taking a fork in the road yes he did he said two roads diverged in the wood and I took the one less traveled by bla bla bla and paraphrasing but when you're on the big road sometimes people see you laying next to them open up and they think it's a fork in the road they got to take the fork in the road so they'll be in this lane for a minute and this lane opens up and they get into that lane for three seconds and they realize there's an opening back here in the lane where they were and so they get back in that lane hey just because it's a tapestry doesn't mean you have to weave the whole time alright stupid Forker I told you I'm not that strong of a driver Robert Plant of the Led Zeppelin's once told me a story about taking a fork in the road yes he did he said yes there are two paths you can go by but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on and it makes me wonder yeah it makes me wonder how you got your driver's license in the first place because between you pass holes were crawling in the wrong lane and youth workers who are darting back and forth leaving behind a trail of swears and middle fingers it takes me forever to get to my job of being a professional communicator of which being good at I am one of them guys [Applause] I am I'm a motivational speaker and I'm really good I speak to people and five minutes later they're on their feet motivated out of the building to do something better with their lives sometimes you're even running I have the key that unlocks doors in people's minds why do you think they call me door key okay hi because my mom keeps my Star Wars action figures locked up in another room no that's just a coincidence it's because opened doors and people's minds and I bussed tables at Applebee's I motivate people to do good things and I wean them off their bad habits I'm a huge wiener you can go online Google it up and tell me what you see probably boy but you don't have to believe me I do my lectures and seminars all over North America and people go out of their way to send feedback about what a great experience they had being around me this one guy compared his life to a to a broken down house and he said I was this big hammer that helped him refix up his house what he said was um this guy's a big tool you're welcome they go out of their way to send me this feedback here's another one you've proven to me that anyone could do anything no matter what little talent they have run with that I want those two hours back I can't get enough of me this one's great my lawyers will be contacting you I smell a movie deal I'm not a doctor I don't pretend to be a doctor but I've helped people with their ailments somebody wrote in and said you've cured my insomnia I don't know what it is either this one's great it was like listening to a fax machine because that's what I am I'm a machine full of facts and that's how I'm able to motivate people is one fact at a time and here's a freebie you guys might want to jot this down it's a great way to start your day at home are you bringing in the office and put it on a sticky on your computer you've probably heard part of this before it takes 26 muscles to frown at somebody but only six it only takes six muscles to text them a colon with a frowny face [Applause] I don't see anybody writing that down here's another interesting fact I read online the other day 1/5 of the world is Chinese I was speechless too because that's almost 20 percent so look we are sitting alright if the two people next you aren't Chinese and the people in front and behind you aren't Chinese guess what yeah Ming you're mathematically Chinese Nihao zài jiàn I'm not Chinese and I'm kind of a opposed right now and it's not just because of what they're doing to the people in Tibbett all right it's the whole it's the whole Chinese New Year scam which I discovered this year there's the global warming hoax that they invented yeah yeah they say Oh what happens when it gets really hot or really cold you get an air-conditioner or you get a space heater which are built in China all right so it totally makes sense same thing with the gluten thing gluten wasn't a thing 15 years ago now according to China oh if you eat too much wheat you're gonna get sick according to the world's largest producer of rice come on people follow the money somebody said I should check out the Chinese New Year this year and so it was around Valentine's Day was year the rooster I went to San Francisco California because they have the largest Chinatown in the world that's a fact there are larger ones in China boy but over there they're just called towns anyway it was a you're the rooster but I partied like it was Dragon oh yeah Moo goo gai pan out the yin-yang I tell you all you can eat and dim sum and they clear the plates and I'll all I have is this government issue Chinese zodiac placemat that says Happy New Year in the middle of February and to me that's a red flag I don't think the first day of the new year should be hiding in the middle of the second month right something fishy going on I did a little research turns out Chinese New Year starts on a different day every year maybe it's the middle of February maybe it's June 52nd but it always manages to end up on the day of a parade yeah interesting that's another red flag a big one with yellow stars if you know what I mean there's something going on I have a lot of products that are built in China with a year-long warranty and I'm afraid if they're gonna rip me off somehow hey I've got this air conditioner that I got for global warming and it's supposed to expire in 2018 and they're home no that's gonna expire in rat there's something going on I don't know what it is I looked up my birthday I was born in near the monkey that's what my place man has always told me and why would a placemat lie to me it doesn't make any sense but turns out the year I was born near the monkey didn't start till February I was born in January so technically it was still goat outside when I was born and I'm a little upset about that I don't know if anyone here has ever been demoted to goat before I've been living a lie all of these years I thought it was skillful and flexible and creative no it turns out I'm compassionate and fancy and I like rabbits well I don't like rabbits and I don't like people telling me to like rabbits okay so fancy I'll take the upgrade on that but I'm I'm done with you China that's it I said I'm boycotting you right so sayonara China and I I flew home from San Francisco and I went to my doctor because none of your business but I was in the waiting room and the doctor's office and I was reading this little pam-4 was a tiny little Pam feels like a pamphlet and the pamphlet said that one out of every three Americans is morbidly obese so once again look we are sitting if the person sitting on your left and the person sitting on your right is the same person you're probably not morbidly obese but you might want to step out of their feed zone for a minute it's not that we're getting more obese people just that non obese people are disappearing and snack related incidents at an alarming rate [Music] I live now I moved from Arizona I live in in Washington DC you might not know this people around the country pay taxes so that people around Washington DC can attend world-class museums and other cultural venues free of charge so thanks for that that's great I went to the National Zoo hoping to see some national animals you know like pigeon or sewer rat but everybody there is lined up to see what Panda yeah which is not a national animal it's an immigrant and it's stealing jobs from American animals [Music] [Applause] what's black and white and red all over communists panda from China they just they deported one a couple of weeks ago I don't know if you remember he lost his green card or thought it was a bamboo leaf and ate it and then they sent him home bye-bye Bao Bao there's one American bison at the National Zoo and a whole herd of foreign-born elephants you know why they're cheaper they pay them peanuts listen maybe I'm old-fashioned but I think the National Zoo should be kept here with national animals and then we can build a separate yet equally in turn a tional zoo for all of those guys right Canadian geese and German Shepherd Spanish Fly polar bears are extinct ting did you know that they're sinking why are you telling me I just told you they're extinct ting glaciers are melting and that's just the tip of an iceberg something like that the science guy was talking very fast they're dying announced a group and the government is wants to save them and I'm a little skeptical because for years black bears and bears of color have been hunted and killed for years no-one's done a thing about it but the second that the polar bear is barely threatened the White House drops everything there are physiological differences between the bear races everybody knows that polar bears evolved in the Arctic and there are no trees in the Arctic so they never learn how to climb trees so as they evolved they're missing certain muscle groups in the back which is why white bears can't jump [Applause] sure they're great swimmers I have a theory I have a theory about people who work at the zoo I think they start in Capitol Hill and then they lose their job or their boss gets voted out of office and they take those job skills and they use them at the zoo there was an older attractive woman probably a lobbyist in her day now she's at the big cat exhibit spinning lies about big cats come on down check out the cheetah - world's fastest land mammal it can run 70 miles an hour 70 miles in one hour you can't even do that in a car so I said I'm gonna watch this I watched that cheetah for an hour guess how many miles it went none it lifted up its head and went back to sleep so whatever that is one five thousandth of a mile and so I corner her and that's when the lies in the spin come out oh it can't run a whole hour at a time it can only run a few minutes at a time and then if it catches what it's chasing it's gonna stop running right then and then it'll eat it and I don't know how much of it it eats and I don't know how big it was or little it was but it turns out I know in a week a cheetah might run five miles in a week well I were on 15 miles in a week so if you use the Pythagorean theorem which is rate times time equals distance turns out I'm three times faster than the world's fastest land mammal so [Music] so please quit lying about the cheetah cougar I travel all over and people want to know Robert Mac and as a get famous or they want to know more Robert Mack so I started a fan club it's called no more Robert Mac and it's really catching on once people realize Who I am they start chanting it's so loudly no more robber back no more robber mac that I can't even finish but I do I do have a lot of fans all over and they seem to have a short attention span so I brought some jokes for them and we'll we'll finish with some of these jokes so give me 60 seconds on the clock and go how many landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb none also she won't fix the sink next time you get some round-trip airline tickets and they ask what your final destination is say here it's a round-trip I don't have time to explain each of these to you guys four times three is 12 yes never buy sushi at the 99-cent store true story I wish I was the guy who invented hot cakes because you know how well those things have sold like wildfire Pass if Barack Obama's deceased mother married the ghost of Osama bin Laden she'd be mono bomb Osama I went to a silent auction I got a dog whistle and two mimes ice to be a paperboy then I became a real boy this one's really good or really bad depending on whether you get it or not so it's all on your shoulders so listen up extra clothes I went shopping at a cherry stand and a microphone store bought a bing bada boom sold my chest at a pawn shop son of a bishop rook me I'm trying to meet new people I belong to a gym he's very possessive I call this one ice-cream cone cone [Laughter] once when I was littler we got a dog and a cat the next day we named the dog curiosity didn't have to name the can do you like cats nothing like the musical I went to a dyslexic masseuse really rub me the wrong way and finally I went to the bank the other day and said to the teller I need $50 the teller said withdrawal so i said i'm v of dollars that's it for me i'm robber mac [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,076,870

Rating: 4.7983947 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Robert Mac, Robert Mac Dry Bar Comedy, Robert Mac Comedian, Robert Mac Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, immigration, shorter border, border wall, annex, panama, panama canal, dbc, stand up, prince, purple rain, fast comedy

Id: 4HrqW4s1D7Y

Length: 41min 55sec (2515 seconds)

Published: Tue May 26 2020