- All right, good looking crowd. First time in Utah. (crowd cheering) It's very white. (audience laughing) White people, let me share something with y'all y'all may not know. White people, y'all like to whisper the race (audience laughing) of the person that you're talking about. (audience laughing) Saw this just happen to me one time. It was like, "Hey, you know, "Mike Goodwin's gonna be there. " (whispering) The black guy." (audience laughing) It's like, why are you whispering? That is not a secret. (audience laughing) People give me a hard time because of my appearance. This is how I typically dress. People like Mike, why are you always so dressed up? I'm like, I'm not dressed up. This is just police repellent. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I'm just saying I never fit the description, you know. (audience laughing) Officer pulled me over, he was like, "Is that a cardigan you got on? (audience laughing) "Why don't you just slow down, sir?" (audience laughing) I'm excited to be in the West. I'm from South Carolina. I'm from a town, Camden, South Carolina. From the South. I tell people, wherever I go, I'm from the South, with a F, and not a T H for the SouF. One thing about Southerners, we have the unique ability to just make up words, you know. It's in our DNA. We say words like fin to and fixing. Whathadhappenedwas, that's one word right there, that's one entire word. (audience laughing) Matter of fact, my favorite word is a made up word, it's five syllables, one word. Whatyounotgon'do. (audience laughing) Yeah, my mother said that a lot when I was growing up. My mother said stuff like, "what you're not gon' do, "is keep running in "and out of this house. "That's what you're not gon' do. "What you're not gon' do "is stand in front of the refrigerator "and hold that door open, little boy. "That's what you're not gon' do." Y'all can use it at your job. You know, you go to work, you got that coworker that always asking you questions before you get settled. Like, what you're not gon' do is come in here and ask me questions before I turn on my computer. That's what you're not gon' do, that's for sure. (audience laughing) Not gon' do. We unique in the South. We love nicknames in the South. I realized, there's some people I've been knowing my entire life, I don't know their real names. (audience laughing) My brother called the other day. He said, "Hey man, you know, "Mark Davis's mom passed away." (audience laughing) I don't know Mark Davis, man. (audience laughing) He's like, "Stanky, man. "Stanky momma passed." (audience laughing) I was like, Why you ain't say that from the start? (audience laughing) I need to give Stank a call. (audience laughing) You know, I think white dudes have the coolest nicknames, I really do. 'Cause white dudes' nicknames go with them their entire life. White dudes have nicknames like rusty, skip, chip. Like your nickname could be chip, you could be the CEO of a bank. You can have Chip on your business cards. (audience laughing) The brothers can't do that. (audience laughing) Pookie can't be a branch manager at the bank. (audience laughing) You don't trust your money with Pookie. (audience laughing) Like, "Right this way, "Dr. Junebug will see you." (audience laughing) Like no, he will not. (audience laughing) What you're not gon' do is have me in a room with a Dr. Junebug. (audience laughing) That's Stanky mama doctor, I'm not going to him. (audience laughing) So I've noticed this in the South, they're building a lot of new homes and subdivisions, but in some of the titles of the neighborhoods, they have the word, plantation. I don't know about you, (audience laughing) I can't live on a plantation. (audience laughing) We tried that already one time. (audience laughing) That didn't work out quite so well. I was at the parade of homes with my wife. They had something in the window I wasn't familiar with, so I asked my wife, I said, hey, what are those called? She said, "Oh, those are "called plantation shutters." I was like, I guess we won't be getting any of those. (audience laughing) The word plantation makes me shudder. (audience laughing) Y'all ain't got no freedom blinds up in here? (audience laughing) No "I have a dream" drapes, y'all don't have any? (audience laughing) No civil right curtains nowhere around? But I'm married. I have a wife, and my wife and I, we created some offspring. (audience laughing) Yeah, usually when I say that, people clap, but I see y'all can't think about my family tonight. (audience laughing) We have two children, we have a daughter, who's the oldest. We had a hard time trying to figure out what to name our daughter. So we named our daughter a throwback name, like, throwback jerseys. We named our daughter Essie Mae Pearl. - [Crowd] Aww. - Yeah, that's a good Southern name. Little Essie Mae is what we call her. I'm just messing with y'all. (audience laughing) You should see the looks on some of your faces. What you're not gon' do is judge what I named my daughter. (audience laughing) That's what you're not gon' do. I'm just kidding, y'all. Her name is Gertrude. (audience laughing) Somebody like, that's worse than Essie Mae Pearl. (audience laughing) You know, but it's difficult naming your children. That's a tough task. One of the places that people look for names, in the Bible. A lot of beautiful names in the Bible. My name's in the Bible. But there's some other names probably shouldn't be naming your children. Like, Judas, Bathsheba, Abednego. Can you imagine having a friend named Abednego? Yeah, 'at's my boy, Abednego Jackson. (audience laughing) Yeah, those his brothers over there, Shadrach and Meshach. (audience laughing) Yeah, they're firefighters. (audience laughing) Now I have my son, I got my boy. Yeah, but I feel like my daughter set us up. (audience laughing) Yeah, 'cause my daughter's tremendously different than this little boy. My daughter, she's polite, mannerable, quiet. But this little boy, (audience laughing) y'all, soon as he feet hits the floor, He's in the room like, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah. I'm like, am I raising Busta Rhymes in my house? (audience laughing) Six o'clock in the morning, little boy go to the bathroom, dah-dat-dat-dah, dah-dat,dat,dah, dah-dah-dah. I'm like, you don't sit your behind down now. We're here trying to sleep. And I was concerned about the little guy, 'cause he wasn't as sharp as his sister, you know what I'm saying? (audience laughing) A couple crayons missing out the box. That's all I'm trying to tell you. (audience laughing) Like, my son, when he first started trying to speak, I wasn't aware of who he was speaking to. I wasn't— I didn't understand. It was like my son was scatting when he first started speaking. (audience laughing) This how my son would sound walking around, skee-da-ba-boo ba-ba-de-de-boo-ba-ba-ba-de-de. (audience laughing) Y'all, we didn't know it at the time, but my daughter had the ability to interpret that language. (audience laughing) Saw my son run around talkin' about, ske-da-ba-boo-ba-ba-de-de-boo-ba. And my daughter's like, "Mama, "Michael wants some grapes." (audience laughing) I'm like, how in the world you know ske-da-na mean grapes? I remember when I was watching a game one night, he got to scatting again. Ske-da-ba-boo-ba-ba-de-de-boo-ba. My daughter's like, "Daddy, "Michael want to watch Law and Order (audience laughing) "Special Victims Unit." I'm like, get you little behinds into bed. (audience laughing) She had a debate. You know, but it's a lot different, man. My son is a little older. He speaks now, speaks a little too much. My preference. My son played flag football this year. That was a waste of money right there. (audience laughing) They lost, like, six games in a row. I feel like the coach was sending mixed messages to my son, you know. They tied one game, my son came home all excited, hopping around, really happy. I'm like, Hey man, what you so excited about? My son said, "Dad, coach said, "whenever we tie, "it's like both teams won." (audience laughing) No son, (audience laughing) Son told me, "Dad, coach said it doesn't matter, "the wins or losses. "What matter is if you have fun." (audience laughing) No son, coach lied again. (audience laughing) Son, if you want to have fun, just go in the back yard and play. You can have fun. Once I paid for registration, I need some results, son. (audience laughing) I need some first downs, something. It's not gonna happen. I think about my childhood, because we're still teaching things to children that somebody taught to us. Some bad things like nursery rhymes. Why are we still teaching children nursery rhymes? Have y'all read these things? (audience laughing) There was an old lady that lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn't know what to do. So she fed them broth without any bread, and whipped them all soundly and put 'em to bed. (audience laughing) Yeah, that lady going to jail. You can't— (audience laughing) You can't do that in 2019. (audience laughing) Peter Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife, he couldn't keep her. He put her in a pumpkin shell, and there, he kept her very well. (audience laughing) Yeah, Peter has a Netflix documentary coming out next year, called Making of a Murderer, Pumpkin Pie Style. (audience laughing) We even teaching 'em dumb songs. My son starts singing this dumb song. 10 little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off, bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said. - [Audience] No more monkeys jumping on the bed. - Then there was nine little monkeys. (audience laughing) Then eight little monkeys. Then seven little monkeys. I'm like, this doctor not going to call child protective services on this woman? (audience laughing) This woman clearly overwhelmed with these children. (audience laughing) She need to call the old lady in the shoe, that's what she need to call. (audience laughing) I bet you they won't jump on that bed no more. (audience laughing) Every time it would rain, I sang this dumb little song to my son that somebody sung to me. It's raining, it's pouring. The old man is snoring. He went to bed and bumped his head, and couldn't get up in the morning. (audience laughing) Like, why am I singing homicide hymns to my son (audience laughing) before he go to sleep? (audience laughing) The boy gonna have nightmares. (audience laughing) It's incredible, man. And so much has changed for my children. They can Google anything. Information's at they fingertips. When I was a kid, you couldn't Google information. If you wanted information, you had to go to the encyclopedia. And I was a weak little kid, so I couldn't pick up the encyclopedia. (audience laughing) So I had no information. (audience laughing) I remember when I didn't know how to spell a word I would ask my mother how to spell a word, you know what my mother would tell me? "Look it up in the dictionary." I was like, momma, I don't know how to spell the word. (audience laughing) Ya'll, I spent four weeks in the L's looking for elephant. I was like, momma, I don't... (audience laughing) Momma, I don't see that word. I see leprosy. I don't see anything about an elephant. (audience laughing) I almost blacked out looking for pneumonia. I was like, I don't know (audience laughing) what's going on in here. And clap if you got crazy family members. (audience clapping) Now if you not clapping, (audience laughing) you are the crazy family member. (audience laughing) I just wanna let you know. I have a cousin who was a drama queen, the whole world is her stage. We're out to dinner the other night and the server did something, my cousin had the table going off. "When he gets back, "I'm gonna give him "a piece of my mind." I was like, wait a minute. You can't afford to give nobody a piece of your mind. (audience laughing) Matter of fact, you need to go get all the pieces you done gave out, (audience laughing) bring them back together like Humpty Dumpty. That's what you need to do. Planned a surprise birthday party for my aunt. My cousin used this expression I thought was a little odd. She said, "I hope y'all don't "let the cat out the bag." That's a strange expression to me, because if I saw somebody holding a bag full of cats, the first thing I would think to say is, hey man, you need to let those cats out the bag. (audience laughing) But why are we so obsessed with cats anyway? Cat got your tongue? Look what the cat drug in. It's raining cats and dogs. What up, cat daddy? You livin' like a fat cat. Don't be a copycat. You are such a scardy cat. There's more than one way... - [Audience] To skin a cat. - Who is skinning cats? (audience laughing) I guess the dude with the bag full of cats is. (audience clapping) And why do they have multiple ways of doing this? (audience laughing) I guess you gotta find curiosity. Curiosity help you kill the cat. Then you can skin the cat. Once you let the cat out the bag. When I get back to the hotel, I'm gonna take a little cat nap, that's what I'm going to do. You know, I just think people don't analyze what they say. I think they say a lot of things, they just say stuff. Talk to a dude the other day, like, what do people say when they have a good night of sleep? What do they say? Slept like a baby last night. (audience laughing) Don't babies cry and wet the bed? (audience laughing) You nasty. (audience laughing) I've had a baby. We had to change his diaper every morning. He slept like a baby last night. Have you ever been in a conversation with somebody, in the middle of the conversation they say something like, "Hey man, can I be honest with you?" (audience laughing) Well that's what I thought you was doing the whole time. (audience laughing) Is all that make believe that you was just sharing with me? (audience laughing) I was talking to someone earlier this week, he was like, "hey man, "the weekend's going to be here "before you know it." (audience laughing) I said, no it's not. (audience laughing) I know how days work. (audience laughing) Yeah, after Thursday is the weekend. That's normally how it follows, Thursday, then the weekend that's how that go then. I was at the hotel. They had a sign on the door, said, no shirt, no shoes, no service. So you mean somebody show up with no pants, we ain't got no problem 'round here? (audience laughing) No issues with this? One of the odd things I think we talk about is death. We have some strange expressions for death. Try to soften the blow. We say stuff like, "They departed. "They passed away. "They expired, like milk. (audience laughing) A few years ago, there was some storm chaser that died, and the media kept saying the same thing, said they died doing what they loved to do. Then they started making up stuff. They probably are in a big tornado in the sky. (audience laughing) And that got me to thinking, 'cause I wouldn't want to die doing what I love to do. You wouldn't want me to die doing what I love to do. (audience laughing) Can you imagine, going to a comedy show and the comedian just pass out on stage and die? (audience laughing) They would be like, he died doing what he loved to do. Probably at the big comedy show in the sky. (audience laughing) But what's interesting, we don't do that when tragic things happen. You know, somebody dies because of drug use. We don't say, (audience laughing) she died doing what she loved to do. She probably in the big crack house in the sky. (audience laughing) That's not what we say. We don't say that. (audience laughing) So I'm in my forties now, that's different. Yeah. That's different, man. I didn't realize when you turn 40 your doctor got all handsy with you. (audience laughing) I didn't know that was the case. Went to my physical, I thought it was time to go home. My doctor started putting on this glove. Told me, put my elbows on the table. I blacked out. (audience laughing) I woke up in the parking lot, just crying. (audience laughing) I texted my wife. I said, I think I just got violated, that's what I think just happened. I'm like, for 40 years, nobody been concerned about anything going on back there. I don't even go back there like that, man. (audience laughing) I'm like this the best medical technology that we have to offer? (audience laughing) Come on, man, we can take pictures with our phones. Surely we can get some scientists together and come up with something better than somebody's finger, man. (audience laughing) I did that joke one night, somebody yelled out, "Wait till you turn 50." I was like, Oh. (audience laughing) You know, and I know I'm getting older man. You know, that's just part of life, man. I realize I'm getting older, 'cause I'm doing older people's stuff. I watch 60 Minutes. (audience laughing) That's not for the young people. (audience laughing) You don't see any spring break commercial on 60 minutes. You see Viking river cruises, that's what you see. (audience laughing) And if you young on that trip, you're there with your grandma or your sugar daddy. That's what's going on. (audience laughing) Even though I'm getting older, I still like to use slang terms. One of my favorite slang terms is "my bad." Always say it, my bad. But there's some people you don't want to hear "my bad" from. (audience laughing) Like you don't want to be sitting in your barber's chair, (audience laughing) barber like, "You seen the game last night? (imitating hair trimmer slipping) "that's my bad." (audience laughing) No, that's my head. (audience laughing) Like, you don't want to be in your dentist chair, dentist is in your mouth, "Could you open wide please? (imitating dentist drill slipping) "That's my bad." See, I don't understand my dentist. My dentist tells me to raise one of my hands if I'm experiencing some discomfort. I was like, doctor if you was paying attention, that tear that just ran out the side of my eye, (audience laughing) is a clear illustration I'm experiencing some discomfort. He like, "That's my bad. (audience laughing) One thing I've noticed too, now that I'm a little older, I'd much rather have cookies than abs. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) I'd just rather have a six pack of cookies. You just see food and gain weight now, at this point. Like, my doc told me I had to lose some weight. I'm like, doc, I'm probably not gonna lose any weight. (audience laughing) I got Girl Scout cookies in the freezer from last year. That's not good. It's not gonna be good. But I started going back to the gym. I don't like the gym. There's a lot weird stuff happens in the gym. Every time I go in the gym, it never fails, I walk in the locker room, it's an 85 year old man walking around butt naked with shower shoes on, a towel on his shoulder eating sunflower seeds. Just marching around. (audience laughing) I'm like, sir, where is your family? And this man always wannna strike up a conversation with me. I'm like, sir, what you're not gon' do is talk to me with no pants on. Sir, (audience laughing) very inappropriate. Was in the gym the other day, I saw this woman, her pants said yoga, but her butt said McDonald's. (audience laughing) I think you're sitting on the golden arches, ma'am, that's what I think. (audience laughing) Shout out to the couples on date night. Round of applause for date night. (audience cheering) Date night. This is what I call a red zone night. You know what you're supposed to do when you're getting in red zone? You're supposed to score. (audience laughing) I don't care if it's just a field goal, get you some points. (audience laughing) But I'm gonna tell you what's happening. Y'all gonna get in the car and get in a stupid argument on the way home. And then when you get home, it's gonna be third and 20. You gotta punt the ball, you gotta punt. (audience laughing) The ball's on the five right now. Just go ahead and score. Score the ball. Joined the military after high school. I appreciate the military, 'cause it paid for me to go to college. (audience cheering) But college brought a lot of reality to my life. When I was a little boy, people told me I could be doctor. I couldn't have been a doctor. I wasn't good at science, or math, or English. (audience laughing) Just wasn't a good student overall. (audience laughing) But if I had become a doctor, I would have to become an MB, for my bad. (audience laughing) I see it now, "Dr. Goodwin, "you prescribed the wrong medication "to 25 patients." My bad. (audience laughing) "Dr. Goodwin, you removed "a perfectly good kidney." My bad. "Dr. Goodwin, our baby "looks like a gremlin." (audience laughing) Oh no, that's your bad. (audience laughing) What you're not gon' do is blame me for your bad DNA, that's what you're not gon' do.
