Women Don't Want To Date A Red Head. Brent Terhune - Full Special

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I've never, I did a show at this dance club. I don't know if you can tell by looking at me. I don't like to dance. (audience laughing) The lady running the show, she was like, "Why don't you shake "what your mama gave you?" I was like, I don't know how I'm supposed to shake scoliosis and a low self-esteem. (audience laughing) Red hair and scoliosis that's not what you want when you're trying to meet women. (audience laughing) Women like tall, dark, and handsome. They don't like chubby, pale, and crooked. (audience laughing) No woman's ever been like, "I gotta get me one of "them crooked gingers. (audience laughing) "What app are they "keeping them on?" (audience laughing) Red hair, I'm actually getting sunburned right now. So that's fun. (audience laughing) Let's bring the ginger out on new bulb night. (audience laughing) I think it's harder to be a guy and have red hair than it is to be a girl 'cause you see a girl, she's got pale skin and red hair. Everybody's like, "Look at her, she's really pretty." But you see a guy with the pale skin and red hair, everybody's like, "Look at him, he's sick." (audience laughing) I think redhead women are attractive too but what would you guys think if you saw me holding hands with some red head girl in the mall, brother and sister, look at them. (audience laughing) Home school, you can tell. Home schooling . . . (audience laughing) I've never dated a red head, but I would like to spoon with a blonde and a brunette so it looks like Neapolitan ice cream, so. (audience laughing) You're right, that is a good one. (audience laughing) I'm a lazy guy too. Have you guys ever noticed, the more dirty dishes you have, the bigger the spoon you'll use? (audience laughing) I'll do the dishes. I'm gonna use a normal spoon but then a week later, I'm eating Lucky Charms with a ladle (audience laughing) out of the crock-pot. (audience laughing) Why is everything in this house so big all of a sudden? (audience laughing) Same thing with the cups. I go through the regular glasses and the plastic cups and the coffee cups. Next thing you know I'm drinking Mountain Dew out of a wine glass. (audience laughing) This is a pretty good year for the dew. (audience laughing) It pairs well with these pizza rolls. (audience laughing) Then somebody was like, "Are you drinking "out of the measuring cup?" (audience laughing) I've had 64 ounces of water today. So why don't you back off judgy? (audience laughing) It's called hydrating. (audience laughing) All the candles that I own are fresh cut grass and fresh linen. I don't like those smells, but I like feeling like something got done around the house. (audience laughing) Close your eyes, the grass is cut, and laundry's folded. (audience laughing) And I liked that mashed potatoes candle it's dinner time. (audience laughing) Sometimes, I overeat, like, all the time and, (audience laughing) don't laugh. That's not funny. (audience laughing) I go through the drive-through order, like, enough food for two people, but it's just for me. So I still pretend like it's for two people 'cause I'm ashamed of myself. (audience laughing) Let me get two burrito supremes, and, oh, what did she want? Aah, two more burrito supremes. (audience laughing) Extra sour cream, she's a fatty. (audience laughing) Extra on mine too. She likes it on mine. (audience laughing) The guy at the speaker knows what's going on. "What do you want to drink?" I'll have a bottled water. Thank you very much. What does she want to drink? (audience laughing) She wants Mountain Dew if we're gonna to play this game, sir. (audience laughing) This is a good year for the dew, so. (audience laughing) I think the word pizzeria sounds weird. I think the word pizzeria sounds weird 'cause it sounds like something you get when you eat bad pizza. (audience laughing) I'm not gonna be able to make it in today. (audience laughing) I got pizzeria. (audience laughing) Sausage and pepperoni. Yup. It's real bad. (audience laughing) I'm not gonna be able to make it in tomorrow. We're going to a taqueria, so. (audience laughing) Yeah, that's definitely the same joke. Sure is. (audience laughing) All right. I got an old phone. I had to close it up so. (audience laughing) Gotta update that joke. (audience laughing) For this next joke. I was in the grocery store. The lady in front of me had a gallon of white milk, nothing else on the conveyor belt. So I put my chocolate milk behind hers and she gave me a look and then put the divider in between our stuff. (audience laughing) I was like, I thought we were past this. (audience laughing) The dude behind me had a jar of salsa, I'm like, don't trust this lady. (audience laughing) I got your back. (audience laughing) Same trip to the grocery stores around the holidays. And I always wait 'til the last minute. So I'm standing at the end of the line and the line stretched back into one of the aisles, I'm standing, in the adult diaper section. (audience laughing) I had never been there before, but I know eventually I will. So I started doing my research. (audience laughing) They had the brand of adult diapers that everybody knows and that one's called Depends. But the store brand right next to Depends that one was called Certainty. (audience laughing) That guy should get a raise. (audience laughing) Are these gonna keep me from ruining my pants? Certainly. (audience laughing) How about these? Ah, it depends. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) I'm like, look, I got pizzeria. I need something good. (audience laughing) Sausage and pepperoni. (audience laughing) I'm a married guy. I'm a married guy, the whole time we were engaged. I called her my girlfriend. I don't like the F word. (audience laughing) Think it's silly. I've known you for three years and we're gonna start speaking French for no reason. (audience laughing) I didn't ask you to marry me and to start pooping in a toilette. (audience laughing) That's Spanish, by the way. (audience laughing) We're gonna make it though, our signs match up. You know, I'm a Pisces and she's a Slytherin. (audience laughing) That's Harry Potter just just brought the one Harry Potter joke tonight, so. (audience laughing) I took it back to the first place we ever met. And that's where I proposed to her. We're walking down the sidewalk and it was in that moment, walking down the sidewalk that I realized the comedy club that we met at, they had moved and I forgot. (audience laughing) So I don't know where we're about to walk up to. But we keep walking and we walk up to it. Of course, the comedy club is not there and now, in its place, is a Hooters. (audience laughing) You guys know where all the great proposals happen. (audience laughing) We walked up. I was like, do you know what this is? And she was like, "Yeah, we met right here, "but it wasn't this." (audience laughing) And we laughed. That's the kind of sense of humor we have. One of the most important spots in our lives is now a wing restaurant. (audience laughing) And we, that's our sense of humor. You know what I prepared for months and written down and memorized it was from my heart, but it didn't really match the tone of what was going on, at Hooters. (audience laughing) So I had to improvise. I got down on one knee, I looked her in the eyes. I was like, baby girl, you are the ranch beneath my wings. (audience laughing) On the way home, I was joking around. I've been known from time to time to tell a few jokes. And I said to her in a joking manner. I said, We have a wedding to pay for now. So why don't you think about getting a second job? (audience laughing) And she's funnier than me. She was like, "I will, "as soon as you get a first." (audience laughing) (audience clapping) I was like, touché, fiancé. (audience laughing) We have cats too. My wife and I, we have cats. Whenever you tell people that you have cats, they're always like, "Oh yeah, we like dogs." So do we. We're just never home enough to have dogs. That's why we have cats. Dogs like it when you come home too. We've all felt that you walk through the door. They're like, We thought you died. What happened? (audience laughing) With cats, you walk in the door, they're like, Oh, we thought you died. (audience laughing) What happened? (audience laughing) Write that in my notebook for later. (audience laughing) We have two cats. One, her name is Margie. She's named after Marge Simpson. The other cat, his nickname is soup cat. Because whenever you make a bowl of soup or cereal and you leave it on the counter, for upwards of 1.2 seconds, (audience laughing) you turn around to get a spoon and you turn back around. He's jumped up on the counter, making eye contact with you, dipping his paw in your soup. (audience laughing) He's like, "I'm not gonna eat this, "but neither are you." (audience clapping) (audience laughing) Oh. (audience laughing) Now clean it up, ginger. (audience laughing) I'm like, Just don't give me the claws again, sir. That's all I ask. (audience laughing) We thought something was wrong with soup cat. We took him to the vet 'cause he had a tumor on his stomach. We took him to the vet. Turns out cats have extra skin on their stomach in case they get into a fight. It's called the primordial pouch. So then I went to my doctor. (audience laughing) I was like, This? No, it's for my enemies don't worry about it, doc. (audience laughing) My vet told me, it's cool. (audience laughing) He's cheaper, I'm going there now. (audience laughing) Standup is not my dream job, though. I'll be honest with you guys. Stand is not my dream job, not tonight. (audience laughing) So many people are like, "Why is he a jerk all of a sudden?" (audience laughing) Actually before this, this is true. I was a substitute teacher for a day. (audience laughing) It was a half day. (audience laughing) I would teach little kids. Those are fun but I realized a lot of those little kids, they couldn't say their letter Rs, the letter R. I went home and looked at that condition where you can't properly pronounce your letter Rs, and that condition, where your can't say your Rs is called, rhotacism. (audience laughing) With an R. (audience laughing) What kind of evil person named it that? (audience laughing) Is that the same dude that made the word, lisp. (audience laughing) I have a lisp. (audience laughing) The kryptonite should not be in the word. (audience laughing) You don't wanna talk to a little kid. He's got big eyes. He's just looking right up at you. "I have wotacism. (audience laughing) "It's weal bad today." (audience laughing) That guy had 26 letters he could have chosen from, and he chose to be evil. (audience laughing) My last name is pronounced, Terhune. It's got an R in it. It's not very common. And little kids would try and say it, but they would just end up saying words they already knew. (audience laughing) I would introduce myself. Hey guys, my name is Mr. Terhune. "Mr. Turtle." (audience laughing) No, it's Mr. Terhune. "Mr. Turkey." (audience laughing) So eventually, I had 'em call me Mr. T, 'cause they don't know who that is yet. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) I would slip into a Mr. T impression. Nobody else would get it, but it would make my day so much more bearable. (audience laughing) "Mr. Turkey, what's 4 times 4?" I pity the fool that don't know their times tables. (audience laughing) It's thirteen. Now go lay down. (audience laughing) The best day subbing. It's like when some of you guys had a sub in school and they would wheel in that cart with the big TV on it. (audience laughing) You'd just hear, "Yes, We're not doing anything." (audience laughing) And the kids would be excited too. (audience laughing) They'd be like, "Why are you talking "like that, Mr. Turkey? (audience laughing) "Ooh, look, Mr.Turkey, I drew you. (audience laughing) "He's got wed feathus. (audience laughing) "Wed feathus and a beaud. (audience laughing) "He's a ginga. (audience laughing) "He's a ginga Tukey." Yeah. Well, he's a jerky. (audience laughing) The worst day subbing. I look at the paper that the teacher left me and it said, "Finish reading "Charlotte's web to the kids." (audience laughing) I know, I was there. (audience laughing) If you don't know what Charlotte's web is. Charlotte is a spider and she saves the day in the whole book and everybody loves her. But at the end, she gives birth and then she dies right afterwards. I had to take care of that last part. (audience laughing) It's like the teacher knew something was going down. She's like, "I'm going on a vacation. (audience laughing) "Let's outsource it. "Bring this dude in." There were four pages left. She knew what she was doing. (audience laughing) I'm sitting on the rocking chair. The kids are out in those carpet squares. I finished the book and I look up, it's a whole bunch of red faces and tears. Every single one of these kids. (audience laughing) I know. I was there. (audience laughing) But this girl, she was sad. But she was mad at the same time and she let me know all about it. She stood up in front of everybody. She was like, "Why would you do this, Mr. Turkey?" (audience laughing) I was like, I needed to make $75 today. (audience laughing) I'll do it again if we're gonna be honest. (audience laughing) Standup's not my dream job. Neither is substitute teaching. I'm gonna tell you my dream job. I don't want you guys to make fun of me for it. My dream job, this is true, I've always wanted to be a Bigfoot Hunter. (audience laughing) That's the only career you can tell your parents you wanna pursue and they're like, "Whoa, maybe you should "stick with comedy. (audience laughing) "Don't you want some stability "in your life, son?" (audience laughing) There's a show on TV called, "Finding Bigfoot." It's been on for nine years. They've never found one Bigfoot. (audience laughing) I want that kind of job security. (audience laughing) If I told 50 jokes and five are funny, I would get booed off stage. But if you find no Bigfoot over the course of nine years, they give you a season 10. (audience laughing) It's called Bigfoot Hunting. It just looks like camping to me. (audience laughing) I can do that. Sleep in a tent in the woods, and every once in a while, just be like, did you hear that? (audience laughing) It's real squatchy out here tonight. (audience laughing) Oh I stepped in some squatch skat. (audience laughing) They know everything about Bigfoot too. Don't they? They know everything except for where he lives? (audience laughing) They know everything about Bigfoot 'cause they, yeah, they know what he sounds like. They yell into the woods, hoping he's gonna answer back like it's Marco Polo. "Bigfoot . . . Sasquatch. (audience laughing) "Oh, he's mad tonight. (audience laughing) "Pack it up, boys." They find evidence that's not real evidence. They're like, "Oh, we found some footprints." I'm like, that says Skechers. (audience laughing) People send me videos of Bigfoot stuff after shows all the time and they send it to me on YouTube. And you guys know YouTube, it plays one video. Then it plays the next one automatically. Then it plays the next one automatically. Then it plays the next one automatically. Nine hours later, I've seen all the conspiracy theory videos. (audience laughing) Now I don't trust anything. My wife's like, "We got leftovers in the fridge." I'm like, That's what they want you to think. (audience laughing) There's this guy on YouTube I watch all the time. And he sees Bigfoot and he's a redneck. He's a self-proclaimed redneck too. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm just saying that's what he is. (audience laughing) Right. 'Cause who else is gonna see Bigfoot when you think about it? Right? No. Like, it's never like somebody that's been to Harvard or Brown or Yale or Princeton, they have a degree and a Bigfoot story they always wanna talk about. (audience laughing) You know, nobody's ever been like, My driver and I were in my Lexus and the large bipedal beast leapt out in front of us. (audience laughing) I nearly lost my monocle. (audience laughing) Nobody's ever lost a monocle looking for Bigfoot. (audience laughing) It's never that guy. It's always a redneck type, "He was in my bird feeder. "I said, 'git Bigfoot! (audience laughing) "He shows up 'bout twice a week "mess with my feeders "cause I put peanut butter out with "that bird seed, he's out there "licking on 'em. (audience laughing) "He likes smooth, not chunky. "It hurts his gums." (audience laughing) They've never found one Bigfoot, but they know what kind of peanut butter Bigfoot likes. (audience laughing) I like ghost hunting shows too. I realized that's the same show by the way. (audience laughing) Ghost hunting is just Bigfoot hunting indoors. That's all that is. (audience laughing) And it's, they're all the same show you've seen one episode of a ghost hunting show. You've seen all of them, you know. They all have the same scenes they're walking around. They're like, not really getting anything over here. (beeping sound) Oh man. (audience laughing) This wall is super spooky right about here. (audience laughing) Then you look closer. It's just a stud finder. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Apparently, there's a ghost every 16 inches in this room. (audience laughing) If it's up to code, it is super spooky. (audience laughing) They're always walking. They're like, "It got really cold "in here all of a sudden. "That means there's a "spirit present." If that's the case, I wish my house was haunted seasonally. (audience laughing) Like, the middle of July, I would be scared but comfortable at the same time. (audience laughing) (screams) Oh. (audience laughing) I just saved a lot of money in my electric bill by switching to Poltergeist. (audience laughing) Got a birthday coming up, in the next year or so, and . . . (audience laughing) I love my family, but they always get me the wrong gifts for my personality. It's not even close. You have these people in your life, right? It's not close. It's not like I asked for monopoly and then I got clue. It's like asked for monopoly and then I got a Rick flair alarm clock. (audience laughing) I don't know if you've ever tried to fall asleep knowing you're gonna wake up to WOOOEE WOOOEE WOOEE You're scared to go to sleep. (audience laughing) Close your eyes. No, the nature boy is gonna get me. (audience laughing) He was here last night, both styling and profiling. (audience laughing) My uncle Frank gets me the wrong gifts for my personality too. He's born and raised in Indiana. Got a New York accent for no reason. (audience laughing) Like, he just, he used to read my brother and I bedtime stories. And always started off normal and then went off to whatever he was gonna talk about. Right. He'd just make up these weird stories. "Got these, got these "tree freaking bears, right? "You gotta papa bear, a mother bear, "and a stepson bear from "a previous marriage." (audience laughing) We don't like this one, uncle Frank. (audience laughing) He just drinks too much. That's his problem. You know, you drink too much when the cops come to your car and ask if you know why you've been pulled over and your response is, "Yeah, let me get "two burrito supremes. "Oh, what did she want? (audience laughing) "Two more burrito supremes." Sir. Step out of the car. "I'm gonna pull around "to the first window. (audience laughing) "Mild sauce." That's when he got tased was mild sauce. (audience laughing) But he gets me the wrong gifts for my personality, it's not like, one year for Christmas, I got a Brut, cologne and shaving kit. (audience laughing) I was seven years old. (audience laughing) What am I supposed to do? Splash some of the Brut on go drive all the ladies crazy at school, especially lunch lady, Judy. She's got a 20 year smoker voice. "I'm only supposed to give you "one scoop of potatas. (audience laughing) "But I was standing down wind "and I like what you're "bringing to the table." (audience laughing) My name is Brent. Thank you guys for having me tonight.

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Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 187,494

Rating: 4.9342637 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Brent Terhune, Brent Terhune Dry Bar Comedy, Brent Terhune Comedy, Brent Terhune Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Red Head, Red Heads, Ginger, Dating, Substitute teacher, big foot, sasquatch, dbc, funny

Id: A-W44CZYBfk

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Length: 22min 17sec (1337 seconds)

Published: Thu May 13 2021