Your Best Friend Sucks. Cam Bertrand - Full Special

so i can't get rid of him he knew me back when i had braces or jinko jeans he knows too much i hate my best friend he's stupid i don't i don't like him you ever been friends with somebody that you don't want to be friends with anymore but they're just grandfathered in you know what i mean like you want to fire him but he's got tenure and you're like oh man so i can't get rid of him he knew me back when i had braces or jinko jeans he knows too much he knew me when i purchased an aaron carter cds i can't can't stop being his friend now he keeps my secrets we get into a lot of dumb arguments arguments that don't matter things that shouldn't happen right one of the dumbest arguments we ever got into was we were watching a basketball game and in the third quarter lebron james had missed a dunk he looked over at me and he goes lebron james sucks i don't know how much you all know about lebron james well lebron james got drafted out of high school at 17 years old he was the number one overall pick in the nba draft he signed a 95 million dollar contract with nike three-time nba champion four-time league mvp youngest player to score 35 000 points ever my friend daryl has failed his driver's test four times four whole times daryl sucks okay yeah yeah i didn't even know you got to take the test four times i thought after you failed the second time they were like hey you know what here's a 50 uber credit you don't get to drive anymore they're danger to society he's a dummy he asked me he asks me questions all the time that make me re-evaluate my friendship with him does that ever happen to you where you're like how bad do i need you in my life where you just gotta weigh the pros and cons this is dude this is what he asked me most recently he goes cam we're friends right i was like of course we're friends he goes would you take a bullet for me i was like from a gun are you are there bullets i'm unaware of first of all you're overly confident in my ability to take a bullet i'm built like drywall whoever's behind me is still gonna die i'm not taking anything like shooting a ghost [Music] do you know how mad i'd be if i tried to be a good person and take a bullet for somebody to be like i'm a hero and they still died i'm like i'm a good person did you still die i could have just not got shot could have just grieved you i don't even got health insurance like that this is stupid now i'm in debt and my pancreas is gone this is dumb i don't know where my pancreas is at that's what it got me he got mad that that was my answer he was mad he was like that's messed up bro cause i take 99 bullets for you like 99. what kind of shady things do you think i'm into it's where somebody's trying to murder me with that level of machinery okay and why is it taking 99 bullets to do it who's trying to kill me a storm trooper rambo helen keller why can't you hit me did i stand sideways what happened frustrating 99 bullets they don't even sell 99 bullets it comes in like a pack of 100 are you saying you wouldn't take that extra bullet for me you're a bad friend i'll say all that to tell you this just know if it says hero anywhere in my obituary that was unintentional right she says no matter i put you in front of me i know how i shot around you that guy was amazing i was saying wanted when i curved a bullet i don't know this is funny to me to think somebody's like i got you anyways and you're like oh man i mess with the wrong guy i've uh i've had quite the weird week so far i a couple days ago i went to the store to buy a bottle of wine because clearly i sit down to pee and it's easier okay you can play on facebook is great it's not the point uh i i got the bottle that i wanted i went to the counter i put it on the counter as you do for purchases and then the lady looked at me and she looked at the wine and she looked back at me and she goes no that was it that was the whole transaction that's not protocol okay you don't just get to go no um you always gotta look at my id before you say no because i was upset right i wasn't mad that she thought i was underage i get it i look 17 at best all right i look like a ketchup predator bait child like my whole job is just to set you up so i can call chris hanson and be like he's in the kitchen he does get cookies go get him he's being weird yeah i i look i know i i've had this face my whole life it'd be weird if it didn't right it'd be it'd be weird if i like benjamin button like if i went old to this it'd be goofy but it's been this the whole time i wasn't mad that she thought i was underaged but i was upset that she thought an underage person would be buying wine in what world do you live in karen we're some 17 year old dude is showing to this house party like y'all not gonna believe this i got pinot grigio [Applause] i'm going to funnel this moscato yeah let's do shots of chardonnay let's start a book club one dude's like let's read the secret nah chad you gotta go how'd you get the address to this party you and your fluke gotta leave it frustrated me it frustrated me that she thought an underage person would drink wine because that's not a young people drink you know what i mean like not one time in your entire life can you tell me a time where you've seen a 17 year old dude be like [Music] this merlot pairs so well with the doritos locos taco [Applause] it is just something about zinfandel's in a hot pocket to die for this never happened okay you don't know a 17 year old that owns a corkscrew okay that is a psychopath how many bottles are you popping i'd rather you id me for buying a corkscrew than for buying one i think there's two things alcohol wise we should stop by digging for all together all right wine and bourbon yeah because no matter how old you are if you're drinking them you've earned it yeah think about it if you're drinking wine clearly you have a lot of emotions you're going through some things and if you're drinking bourbon you have no emotions you've been through some things you've earned it daryl's dumb i just it feels better the more i say it it just feels good to just get that out because he can fight and i can't tell him that he's dumb he uh i hang out with him all the time like i shouldn't like i should be doing i'm not good at time management is what i'm saying like i could be back in college or getting a job but nah instead i'm like what's daryl doing today we hung out recently because i don't know if y'all saw this it was the 10-year anniversary of paranormal activity and we thought it'd be a good idea to re-watch it after 10 years we thought it might have become a better movie nope still sucks uh this movie i don't know how it got worse this is a bad movie to begin with it's still bad now and uh it did make me realize two things though and watching it right it made me realize one i don't care about ghosts at all ghosts have never affected my life in any way i don't have ghost friends i've never met a ghost i don't care about ghosts the second thing it made me realize is that ghosts are just rich people problems that's it because ghosts only haunt houses i've only lived in apartments yeah i don't care about ghosts at all matter of fact if you have a house i hope you have a ghost you know you and your 401k yeah so did you give be being financially stable you get a ghost that's what you get and you know on top of that if you have a duvet i hope you have two ghosts and a gremlin no honestly i don't know what a duvet is but it sounds delicious it sounds sounds tasty okay i'd eat a duvet it sounds like it's on applebee's 2 for 20. i'll split duvets with all y'all sounds like it goes good with bread crumbs and sriracha oh no i'd eat one i uh you know why you've never heard of a ghost haunting an apartment why there's never been an apartment ghost because i'll break this lease yeah i don't care about this at least i'm 25. credit's not real to me yet i'll move in today and move out today yeah i don't care about i own seven things it'll take me 43 minutes no i'll move back in with my mom she misses me i feel bad if a ghost haunted my apartment you'd be so bored what are you gonna do flicker my one lamp look what i can do matter of fact good luck i didn't pay the electric bill yeah matter of fact you turn that lamp on you better leave it on okay i'm trying to do puzzles [Laughter] i uh i've been doing something recently where i'm trying my best to hang out with my grandparents more i think that's important for young people to do i think young people should hang out their grandparents as often as they can but i'm gonna tell you why they don't because it's exhausting it is you learn things that you can't unlearn okay it's just knowledge being thrown at you that you just you're stuck with it forever all right everything was going great we were eating dinner everything was fine and then my grandma broke out a scrapbook and we're going through this scrapbook picture by picture she was like look this is a picture of me with my first car this is a picture of me at my first job and then we got to a picture of her when she was in her mid-20s my grandma was looking fine super fine okay too fine to be my grandmother and with the sepia filter on it the brown filter that's not supposed to make you attractive the one that'll turn a 10 into a seven now she was still at 10. okay i know it sounds weird i know it's weird it's weird to say it okay it's weird but do you understand that it's ruining me i have to live with this knowledge for the rest of my life it's ruining me because now every time i try to talk to a girl i'm like yeah you're cute but you ain't nana like yeah i'm sure you have good qualities candace but you can't make no snickerdoodle cookies your mac and cheese recipe has one cheese and it got here rookie can't compete with nana she's got a legacy after i saw that picture i had to high five my grandpa i had to oh that dude i don't know how you did it you're ugly cause i guess game runs in the family i guess i don't know if anything i'm mad that my nana settled for my grandpa yeah she had all the qualities and attributes to be a gold digger but no she settled for love this is duh could have been rich could have had a rich grandpa but nope he's just a good one this is dumb that's where we're at in society just be like hey i got a good grandpa but i also don't have a million dollars and one of those things buys me a boat and [Laughter] the other one just gets me a really good thank you card it's a good card ain't no boat i love my grandpa he's a good dude every time i hang out with him i learned something new about him in his life it's very interesting to me i i recently found out my grandfather's favorite game of all time is i always thought it was the poker that was poker and uh so he was like hey let's play my favorite game so i was like all right i'll go get the cards he goes no my favorite game i was like first of all why'd you say it like that i was like that's real ominous okay i didn't like that and he goes i won't play my favorite game turns out my grandfather's favorite game of all time is called uh why i hate your generation yeah some of you know the game he's amazing he's undefeated he's never lost he's great he brings up good points i can't even lie there's good points he's like cam you young guys you just don't get it you don't understand what it was like back in my day we used to be able to go down to the record store and get a record for a nickel i was like wow you guys used to pay for your music i was like that's crazy pop pop i don't know how y'all made it out y'all didn't have lime wire nothing nothing that's crazy i feel like i'm 12 years too late for a limewire reference but that's fine that's fine because those of you who get it we all had viruses and you know what that's a bond that we share we all had to throw away two computers [Applause] all cause we wanted that shania twain album you know ain't going impressing me much why was it so good i'm a dumb person i didn't i am it's fine i like being dumb it's more fun er i don't know it's ben dumb is great is one of my favorite things to do as a dumb person is to argue conspiracy theories with people who care if you have 37 minutes to waste in a day do it it's the best my favorite conspiracy theory to argue is the moon landing right whether we went or we didn't it doesn't affect my life at all if anything that'd be the most american thing we've ever done to fake one of our nation's greatest accomplishments that's america written all over it oh you saw that in the newspaper tomorrow you were like ah yeah right we did we tricked you off for like 55 years a bunch of bums like see how far away the moon is i don't i don't have proof or anything factual to prove that we didn't go to the moon but i do know this one small step for man one giant leap from mankind is a perfect quote front to back you can't get better than that and that's how i think neil armstrong didn't write it i think he had a ghostwriter because nobody in this room right now could tell me another neil armstrong quote [Laughter] that's not sketchy to y'all it's a one quote wonder nah you don't just say one cool thing you're like cancel my interviews baby i said everything that needed to be said all i know is this right neil armstrong was a regular dude who got shot up into space and as a regular dude i could speak for us and saying this my first thought we land on the moon isn't going to be i got to say something profound that's going to change the world my first thought when we land on the moon i'm going to hop out yeah i just want to give a shout out to lisa gonzalez she didn't think i was gonna make nothing in my life look who's on the moon baby yeah remember when you said we needed space look who got it [Applause] that's my ex-girlfriend i hate her she sucks but it's good to say that on a special like it feels so good it feels so petty i love it i miss her so much i do man we've been broken up for about four years now and i didn't start missing her up until last month when she decided to change the netflix password i don't know what i'm gonna do guys i miss him so much i was halfway through stranger things we got into a lot of arguments before we broke up we had to we argued all the time and uh one of the biggest arguments we ever got into she was like cam we don't go out enough we don't got enough dates we don't do enough things she was like honestly i wouldn't have dated you if i knew you were this broke i was like what well what did you think i meant when i said you're all that i have what did you think that was you thought that was a metaphor i told you a friend you were my everything okay you ain't near netflix all i've got comedy's such a weird job it's weird because there's no real reason for you guys to be listening to me right now like in no other setting would you care what i had to say you know like we're at the mall you wouldn't be like that's a lesbian boys probably got good ideas you'd be like ah he looks weird oh no congress is weird all i can do is think that something's funny and give it to you in a way to where maybe you could laugh at it too and i say that to say this this next thing will not have affected your life as much as it's affected mine but maybe i could put it into words and terms to where you'll understand where i'm coming from jay-z cheated on beyonce and nobody cares and it broke my heart and my brain at the exact same time to think that a man that ugly could cheat on anybody ever okay and i don't know if you know how ugly jay-z is don't worry i'll tell you i'll describe him perfectly jay-z looks like a ninja turtle and not a good ninja turtle like donatello the worst ugliest ninja turtle is the one with the stick who don't do nothing just shows up like i got a stick and they're like why are you here like if they did a live-action version of the ninja turtles they'd be like you think jay-z could play all four of them you think he has that range as an actor did a whole bit just to tell you how much i hate jay-z this is all that is that's all and i'm not saying that i'm the most handsomest man okay i look weird i've been told weird things my whole life the other day this lady came up to me and she goes you have such an androgynous look and i was like oh no no i like women because i didn't know what that word meant [Music] that's not what that word means guys i had to google it it means a person that has both male and female characteristics i was like i don't know if i'm more mad that she's right or that i had to google my own roast i'll tell you guys this quick story and then skedaddle i uh when i was in middle school i was getting picked on i was getting bullied and i didn't know how to handle it so i went home i told my dad what was happening and this was his advice word for word and it is to this day the worst advice i have ever received in 25 years of life okay he looks at me and he goes the next time he picks on you hit him with your lunch tray yeah like in a prison movie shawshank redemption style that was his advice to me and i go to school the next day i'm getting picked on i'm sick of it i stand up i pick up my lunch tray i hit him with it in the face but what my father failed to tell me is that back in his day they had metal lunch trays i had a styrofoam lunch okay yeah and you know why i had a styrofoam lunch tray because this generation was giving people concussions okay they switched out lunch trays faster than they did football helmets okay this is insane i hit him with this lunch tray it didn't even break it wobbled okay i like whooshed his hair a little to the side i made him handsome this is stupid he proceeded to beat the brakes off of me he beat me up so good i had to respect it like i was impressed all right he beat me up like we're playing mortal kombat and he unplugged my controller i was taking combos i didn't even know existed i was like how'd you do the double uppercut they're a power ranger this is crazy [Laughter] after the fight we had to go to the principal's office it was me him and the principal we sat down we told him everything that happened and i didn't get suspended do you hear what i just told you i didn't get suspended for the fight i started the principal was like no no you weren't even in that fight flawless victory that kid is amazing they should drop out and join the ufc right now this kid is wonderful the worst part by far was going home telling my dad what happened and my dad looking at me and going hey you win some you lose something what i love you guys thank you very much [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,363,612

Rating: 4.9450593 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Cam Bertrand, Cam Bertrand Dry Bar Comedy, Cam Bertrand Comedy, Cam Bertrand Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Cam Bertrand Full Show, Dumb Friend, take a bullet, school fight, buying wine, dbc, full

Id: maAepWFvb0g

Length: 23min 53sec (1433 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 26 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Antisocialproduce]

Cam was on our podcast. He was fuckin great

https://youtu.be/JyqEz0yEy60

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4Y4VRokvpGi2lL7w6Lc5nX?si=1ttVcKtGTgCsitDv6OFUTg https://youtu.be/Qak_h0kWFz0