If You're Single, Watch This. Spencer James - Full Special

I'm gonna break up with this chick when this is over man last time I had a girlfriend I was driving a 1983 Peugeot that's a car rich lady snicker in the front row it's a car okay cost me 300 bucks all right once not a month you tape it up here's a true sad story three months after I got this car I got a flat tire I walked into discount tires with my girlfriend at the time and I was excuse me I need a spare tire for a Pujo guy behind the counter goes we don't fix bicycle tires here sir but I'll look it up oh hey we have this says here's gonna be 308 dollars yeah my girlfriend thought that was hilarious you know what she said out loud doesn't that suck I said what's the matter she was you got a flat tire and totaled your car [Applause] [Music] she ran marathons too and I didn't agree with that I don't know I didn't understand it she's like I run marathons sounds like okay shoes you got to come to the party when I run one and I laughed it's like how do I support you while you're running a marathon do I chase you with a wheelchair do I track people because you don't be a jerk you stand somewhere in the middle and you cheer me when I run by you she did just like that when I won by you this is me good boyfriend 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday you ready [Music] [Music] I'm gonna break up with this chick when this is over man run oh good job Yvonne I'll see you at home and that's it that's all thing and I am NOT knocking racing okay if you want to race that's cool I was in a race once I called it a race the police call it resisting arrest it's not it's kind of funny but they're mad when they lose I got tackled I got tasered I got checked for cavities that's confusing term they dragged me out of the poo show there are mr. James didn't give you a cavity search I was like cool free dental that's good this I got it this side no that's too far [Music] my dad has that shirt I know I thought you were him and then I realized you're making eye contact with me my dad didn't want me to do stand-up did you pop my dad wanted me to be a professional baseball player when I grew up right that's what father's want for their boys right first thing he did is my little league coach no he did put me in right field yeah you know fake dad right that's where you that's where he put the crappiest kid on your team he put my little brother Sean at shortstop best position on the team this is at my childhood when you ready this my dad all right he's like good throw Sean that's my son we got two hours by himself youngest person on the team that's my blood that's my boy what is he doing Spencer turn around the inning is over what is he doing I was petting a cow through the fence you're the biggest dog I've ever seen I was an idiot I didn't say it and deserve to be out in right field I was an idiot my little brothers showing they're not to ride his bike three days before I did he's a year and a half younger than me he learned three days before I did I had training wheels on the back and the front tires you guys ever seen that I'm not making that out by six wheels on my bike I had a semi-truck as a kid I needed the wheels apparently because I was also the fattest kid on the block I was a fat child folks that's another reason why I do this I was a fat child I was a fat kid in the 80s right when it was brand-new some of you don't laugh guys you can laugh but it's hilarious there's they're everywhere now right I started that I was a trendsetter baby I was a unicorn in the 80s you didn't see me everywhere he knew he strangers poked me every day so to figure out if I was okay are you swollen what is wrong did you get stung by a bee why do you look like this I know I love pancakes stop touching me get back in your ambulance I'm fine [Music] how's fat I remember the first time I ran the mile yeah do you really sound fat you have to be as a child for that to be traumatic like I remember getting to the Dewey track and being like oh no teacher take high how many laps do I have to run he said four I said today today he said yes and I'm timing you with a stopwatch come on you better get a sundial dude if I'm not back by 2:00 tomorrow you better come find me yeah bring food wait a Kenyan in that class kid from Kenya it's ridiculous it's on lap nine I'm still stretching they ran by me i lap you again I'm gonna eat you when you come back watch happen [Music] hi I had hip surgery last January a little bit about me had hip surgery some kind of weird coupon I got you gotta use those mom says you gotta use the coupon well you think cool by having hip surgery in my age is I had a cane for three months and I'm a single male adult any single males in here all right be a little bit more enthusiastic man you yeah any single ladies in here - you all right I think you're sitting next to your boyfriend actually so that was weird all right that's it all right that's cool whole row ladies didn't say anything that's cool all right should've brought my cane shoulda brought my cane dude if you have a cane single dude in the back that doesn't say yeah very well if you have a cane dude it's amazing man let me know just walk up they would just walk up all time just oh oh why what why well I just had hip surgery and every woman says the same thing you know you lady say oh my grandma just had hip surgery but yeah i was playing bingo with her last night she's a very lovely lady she's very nice I did not like going to the hospital by myself I look like this I'd have to go in the orthopaedic part of the hospital what you ever done that you're gonna orthopedics parts just like old men did not like me old men every time I walked in would just mean mug me like I'm cougar hunting on their turf that's that I looked there was one man bill it was like why are you always in here I sell coffins [Music] I guess some of you got that some of you it's gonna be a long 40 minutes for making one very important thing you have a hip surgery at my age okay if you have a dream chase it you have one life to live maximize it right okay two of you that's cool all right never had dead silence on that before Bravo you tell you did it good for you guys no don't cheer that's not a compliment yeah you guys are already weird I've been up here for minutes you're already weird leave your dream you like to live everybody in there yeah yeah doing it already doing it next next joke fake dad is that isn't your missus is that your missus right there there you go how long you been together 20 years lady land of marriage right everybody wants to get married yes oh that's a good number 20 years what's the key to a successful marriage man meet it from why your and you're good at it communication I think the best answer I ever got when I asked that question was like what so how do you this is a key to a successful marriage the guy goes never go to sleep angry and I was like oh okay and then I tried to move on and then he blurted it out it goes and I am in slept in seven years you guys need the part ways for a little bit so he can take a nap I'm from Denver Colorado I don't know if they made this for me but thank you I don't partake then.we Colorado we actually have that and we have the most homeless people out of any capital united states to be the most homeless people starting to affect I don't know if you cheer for that that's not [Music] I mean I've been talking about there for a few years now I've never had anybody woo the most homeless people ever in Denver Colorado yeah that's not a it's not a cheering kind of moment ma'am it's uh like we're running out of cardboard it's a sad thing like I wish I was making that up but I'm not I saw a homeless dude downtown not making this up had it just had his hands up just right i what bob was like that is creative dude nobody said how about a dollar I was like here's an imaginary one you make that work Wow I don't know knows this part I think happy you'll think this is funny other half I don't think this gun thing this is funny oh that guy was standing outside of a Home Depot and he's not the oddest thing I saw I saw a guy in a wheelchair by a ladder see I'm gonna wait for the other half of you to get that that was the true story and it's hilarious right that's optimistic go home get drunk stare at it someday like nothing it's not gonna happen I found out my grandmother's really wealthy so I'm starting to hang out with her a lot she's got a lot of money she said we're gonna go shopping I was like whoo get some helicopters and boats went to a Target got bath rocks and pantyhose you ever done that you were shop at tarde with your grandmother for pantyhose [Music] this side is very active it feels like all the instructions just lost like everybody is like you got to stay quiet now you can say something we're gonna yell at you some of these a rhetorical sir I don't know if you I got jokes that come after them I spent time writing these I don't know it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault my style is different my style is very conversational feels like I'm talking to you it feels like only to talk back I don't I don't yeah everybody clap from here at this kind of clap nobody over here no not the time for you guys a fun dude some of you my my grandmother I love her I'm her grandbaby shut great-grandbabies now my brother just had a baby and right you don't care here I'm so tired of pretending to care dad Peretz round of applause right yet parents random class did you know how much they cost ah before you had it oh I was doing that okay I was with him when he was having his first child my right now I was with him in the waiting room and I picked up this article right and I was like Sean Sean do you know how much that cost don't go in there this says that a baby by the time it turns 18 will have already cost you two hundred and eighty six thousand dollars my brother goes what's the matter with that what's the men you could have had a Ferrari instead of this think about that parents as soon as your child was born he immediately started appreciating your value I knew something you wouldn't like that but is it's a Ferrari Ferrari Ferrari will never lie to you right my brother was not the best parent either he called me up in like 3:00 in the morning one time he's like she keeps climbing out of the crib what do I do put a lid on it I don't care I was sleeping I don't care put a lid on it saran wrap it poke holes I don't know what you do she's trying to leave open the gate let her figure it out all right I just saved them $286,000 Tennessee had the baby you wanted me to hold her I just read that he's that you wanna hold her no why that's $200 I don't know what do i tented write Vincent he's gonna take him nine months to get a brand-new one I didn't want to hold her he just got it and she's doing this like I can't I can't it's too valuable it's too precious I don't want to hold her just hand can't do it you know what the you know the worst part about it is he is he now it's two kids right one on the way lives in his father-in-law's basement and he's a financial planner by day [Laughter] that's my favorite thing to say on stage I even asked him I was like how are you a financial planner in this situation you know what he said I passed all the tests I said the pregnancy test she hates it and then things but then he corrected me he's like no we're gonna adopt an African baby next and I was like oh that's ten cents a day I've seen that commercial that's better planning [Music] all right happy you got it the other half I forget you guys I'm not the only one up at 3:00 a.m. on on a to the arms of the engine that's for the puppies but it comes on after that one stiffly something you were judging me man I'm gonna topple those kids as soon as I leave here I am gonna get his address son of a rice cooker blow his mind sir alright next I'll send him a box of flyswatters he'll be running that village in a week Sameer is still pulling back why are you pulling back I just did something good I adopted a kid and sent to him gifts what did you do today fake dad how am i doing your communication is amazing you always know what he's thinking what you have real kid so many kid you get three kids be honest they're not here would you trade one of them for a Ferrari yeah and you're both thinking the same kid you're both thinking the same kid don't feel guilty sweetie don't feel guilty about it I asked my dad I asked my real dad I was like that would you trade me for our Ferrari you know what he said Honda Civic 98 [Music] but one time he's been funny his entire life the one time my favorite story about my father my favorite story to tell not you the real one is we were we were hunting I was 12 years old some time I've been hunting any hunters any hunters any hunters you oh yeah oh yeah my dad's big hunter like lives in Huntsville Alabama you know I'm saying he's serious we can't take them to the zoo right that's how big he is I'm gonna shoot that black and white horse that's a zebra you cannot have that first time I went huntin was last time oh no no 12 years old we didn't shoot any deer right but my dad got hit by a bolt of lightning [Music] it is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life funny if you have never seen someone getting hit by a bolt of lightning I challenge you to fill your friends pockets with quarters and she must leave him in a field and watch the magic happen it was insane now I would just mind my own business tracking this deer and then bum shot him back he hit a tree fell face down some leaves right and I was like are you okay Oh gonna be there soon as my ears stop freakin Lincoln man I would have made it to him first - I would have made it except the deer we were tracking turns around walks over to my dad goes how's that field shark that funnelling God goes hunting is it I think that's what he said I I my ears weren't working very well players weren't working if your kid has a dream encourage you kid to follow his dream that's the only message that tries to say in my show your kid can sing encourage your k to keep singing okay if your kid cannot sing please make them stop please right Thank You American Idol is finally cancelled Holly brought it back the voice is a better show am i why am i like oh okay yeah one time voice is a better show I would you know what I'd let them do in the voice I would let Blake Shelton push the button twice he's earned it right he's been there 14 14 seasons and sometimes he wants to you ever seen Blake when he turns around at first he gets all excited right he's like all right I want to try out for the show I want to try out for the show I haven't messed up my life enough yet so you got to have a sob story to try out did you know that you gotta have a sob story to try out for the show you got to have it huh I was a [ __ ] Thanks as if that didn't hurt enough [Applause] [Music] there was a kid on the voice it's like 15 I hate the sob stories because they elaborate this kid was ridiculous no like why are you here he's like I'm here I'm here because my dad had a heart attack and this was his dream this was this dream was for me to do this as long as why I'm here oh my god that's so sad how'd you get here he drove me he's right there [Music] I'm gonna adopt its what I'm gonna do any child after I'm 35 I have no kids no wife shocker it's got real sad in here anything after 40 I'm gonna adopt that's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna adopt a two-year-old like turn 40 to get a two-year-old 47 get a seven-year-old right maybe ask you dad for one [Music] I'm alright at 47 get a 7 I can pick them right and get which one I want and get a Dominican hand I'm a baseball see what he does with it oh that's too far they're amazing at baseball are you serious the kid throws curveballs with both arms that's my 401k hi every woman should be congratulated for having a child every woman every mother in here just Pat yourselves on the back give yourselves a round of applause every woman deserves go ahead it's an amazing thing that you can do you could build your own army if you really wanted to every woman in here could build their own army reinforcements whenever you want you can do whatever you want it's an amazing thing that you can do every man in here would freak out if you got pregnant every man right you would for every man in here you would like you're very manly dudes in here right can you imagine sir going to the emergency room my stomach hurts yeah I got some inside who's gonna play the piano in four years [Music] okay let's get that out now gotta leave it there nine months then I'm gonna yank it out of the smallest hole your body I like watching some of the guys figure that out wait I like watching my candy crush lives just renewed does anybody else in there play candy crush besides me anybody else besides me and my grandma not there what level you want nobody wants to admit anything in this crowd what let me go on sir 3,000 you go to the bathroom a lot it's okay I blame technology for a lot of stuff these days like I was playing solitaire on my phone cuz I was waiting on my candy crush lives to ruin it I was playing solitaire and I felt good about myself and then I beat the game right an online pop-up ad popped up say congratulations we should like to date other single men in your area it's like I'm not gay iPhone I just put the jack in front of the King once that was an accident some of you are not giving that joke to credit that it deserves I blame technology for what the kids have cyberbullying I don't even understand that how does that even work getting 500 wait I'm getting cyber turn the computer off what am I missing am I missing something I used to get bullied as a fat kid I'd have to run away walk I guess man waddle I got a situation I want to kill for that how do you get bully from the computer oh you just got to sit there and take it [Music] what is the matter you making fun of me on the computer click okay he stopped they're coddled man they get so much easy stuff now it took cursive writing out of schools in Denver they do that where they do that here or where you're from yeah you know what they did it they say they did it because adults aren't using it enough in their everyday lives I'm like cool take out word problems never use that ever right how would you take it out running the mile help a fat kid every once in a while I would say take out fractions though sucks right but I'm from Denver I got too many friends that need to know how much an eighth of an ounce is oh wow something you know the answer that's that was a shocker 3.5 grams bro I don't need a scam so let me hold it let me put a deaf child at play warning sign outside my apartment now in Denver I've never even seen this kid deaf child to play warning my first thought how do I warn him see some of you laughter su I'm not being a jerk I have a car horn what do you want I can't what do I do is that for at night do i flash my high beams Adam Y Z in the street who lets the deaf kid play Frogger at midnight why does he get a sign in him blind kid makes sense right blind kid can't see what's going on deaf kid no forget you you look you look both ways we're gonna hand out signs what about a fat shot to play Morningside right I had trouble crossing the street no deaf kid sprinted into the road cuz he heard the ice-cream man coming back around a 4-time again some of you aren't laughing like I gotta explain the doesn't BAM that was me every Thursday quarters all over the road I know when I was in love it's not giggle giggle times thank okay go time I'm trying to open up to you right now rude shut up [Music] we were lying in bed and she farted on my leg and ladies ladies giggle when I say that and I don't find it very freaking funny right cuz she didn't do it like a dude she didn't touch of me and then lift the sheets it's about it together this is how I know I loved her she did it mean you know how she did it I didn't hear it that's how she did it so I mean it's no don't saddens me I didn't hear and I saw it you're not nasty that is I was lying in bed in my sheets inflated that's never happened to me before I started coming at me like that worm from Kevin Bacon's tremor searcy creeping up I'm like it's a warrior in the face she's like I love you and then they me in the face I was like oh we're never going to talk about 3 a.m. ever again I love you too she was the one that taught me the difference between men and women she was the one that taught me the difference it was one moment when you're in Boston Massachusetts that was why we were watching this bird eat his friend in the road and a car is coming and we're just sitting here watching this car coming he's eating this friend car combs runs him over kills him flat on his right first word out of her mouth she's a woman first word out of my mouth right cousin look dude why are you crying I was hilarious that was hilarious didn't even move he saw the car comin he has wings why did he not move he's an idiot didn't you didn't even crunch it sounds like something got hit in the face with a pillow like that's how I found it just room her feathers I'm like dancing in and I think it's snow and she's like we got to help it I heard my father going pick it up put it on the wall say it's yours oh my hip vibrated again okay we got to get going candy crush have you guys ever asked Siri what 0/0 is for you you guys you haven't done this oh it's on every iPhone right it's on every iPhone just watch this is what it is a fraction so I'm from Denver hey Siri what's 0/0 imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends how many cookies does each person get see it doesn't make sense and Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies and you're sad that you have no friends that's cyberbullying folks [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,445,852

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Spencer James, Spencer James Dry Bar Comedy, Spencer James Comedy, Spencer James Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Single, Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Marathon, dbc, Stand up, running a marathon

Id: kpr0A1IvaRM

Length: 33min 21sec (2001 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 21 2020