Outgrowing Your Underwear Is Devastating. Kendra Cunningham- Full Special

you know Kendriya say you want a husband but your behavior says otherwise I feel bad for my mother though I feel like she really I think she you know I've never been married and I don't have any kids and she used to always you know I feel like she's given up hope on me getting married at all cuz she used to always say you know what Kendra there's someone out there for everyone and now she always says you know what Kendra there's a lot of single mothers out there she just wants me to have those babies like kids I think kids acute I feel like they give me anxiety though I feel like they get to say whatever they want to me and I can't say what I want in return you know I was out the other night one of my friends kids got on my lap and said and for all the adults she was like you you have coffee breath and I wanted to be like you're lucky I don't have whiskey breath I'd be making out with your father right now we can't say stuff like that to kids you had to keep it inside I think my biggest problem with with kids is like the pregnancy part you know because I feel like I'm bloated and uncomfortable on a good day nevermind - three years how long has it take to have a baby a long time I feel like if I could just choose my gestation process if I could lay some eggs I'd be more apt to do that you know but I could be like hey do me a favor come over here and watch my eggs I want to go sashay around the neighborhood see if I still got it I feel like I'm really in no position to think about having I actually gained 15 pounds last year please it was my pleasure I'd do it all again if I could you know I don't know what it is I mean I like to eat I like to eat in bed I feel like my duvet is just like a 42 square foot cloth napkin at this point you know let's call it what it is I woke up the other day with the tail end of a goldfish crack I stuck to my bad buttock you know Kendriya say you want a husband but your behavior says otherwise unless of course you're looking for a man breaded in goldfish cracker crumbs carry on my sweet soldier I know I always gain and weight you know you can tell you know my pants was snug my shirts didn't fit quite right but when I actually outgrew a pair of my own underwear that's when I was like a wall outgrown our underwear you know his children I don't remember outgrowing my underwear as a child but out wearing my underwear as an adult is something I'm going to remember till the day I die that is not a memory that fades fast there are a couple of things I mean then at one time I had on this white shirt it looked like I had a little stain on my shirt and it turned out the stain was on the bra underneath the shirt it looked like a little fingerprint that have been smeared along in some sort of chicken wing sauce which made me realize at some point hopefully recently I decided to eat something that was in sauce with my hand while standing in my bra and decided I don't need a silly napkin I can wipe that sauce right on my drive [Applause] thank you I'm originally from Boston but I've been living in New York for ten years and my mother's still back in Boston and I wish I could say that I missed her but doesn't really give me the opportunity to she calls me like 15 times a day the other day she tried to send me a selfie and I got like a 10-second video of her chewing gum she was like I tried to send you a selfie I'm like oh I know I have the evidence but a new thing now she just got one of these Amazon Alexa's you know these voice command machines so now she likes to call me and let me listen to her heckle Alexa you know so I'll get these calls should be like listen to this hey Alexa you smell like rotten eggs and then you hear likes to go that's not very nice my mother's like yeah I'll call you back I'm just picturing her sitting there all day roasting this poor machine Alexa's like how can I return myself and can't live like this my mother does that she loves to talk on the phone and she leaves me a lot of voicemails about unimportant things you know it's almost like she's an an investigative journalist on minutiae you know so I'll get these calls like hey I'm at the red light by the Burger King in West Quincy you should see the line at the drive-through call me back then they have like five minutes later I'll get a call like they doing a whopper jr. special here in Boston I don't know if they do it in New York call me back I'm like I even had a whopper jr. in seven years and I want to know how much it costs she has sparked my curiosity a lot of times though I'll be honest like sometimes I don't pick her up you know I'll see her calling and and the other day she tricked me she called me from an unknown number and and I picked up and she was like cami I was like why are you whispering she was like why are you whispering about that MA she was like I've lost my beat why'd you do that eat the beach I got on my fear about it I'm like have you told anyone else about this this is what you're gonna do you're gonna buy some peaches you're gonna put them on the interns desk we're gonna make this go away I love going back to Boston you know it's a it's fun to go back there but every time I go back my mother likes to she always likes to guess my my mood or my emotional state it's almost like what emotional charades you know I walk in and she's like you tired you're frustrated you hungover I got it she's hungover I know it but she also loves to do memory lane drive-bys you know and they always start off very warm and inviting and by the end it's like morose and frightening and it always starts with the parish she's like I remember the parish don't you nice memories there you're baptized and confirmed okay here's the high school remember you got drunk and you're not your front tooth out I made your mother cry thereby you made your mother cry then it goes on to have something that has nothing to do with me she's like remember that guy got murdered over here yeah they never found his choice of you and your sister out late that night but I didn't ask any questions I love you unconditionally remember that she's a nun Boston's nice and it's a very it's a very cultural city you know lots of museums and historical things we never do any of that I feel like every time I go home with it's going out to eat and in errands and nobody in my family is there very good cook so we usually go out to eaten we all love to eavesdrop so we go out to eat nobody says a word we're all just sitting there with that next Creek back our eyes a dot and around the way it is like you guys ready to order were like Shh go back in a few minutes but heaven forbid we hear someone at another table complain about a meal we came back to the table like the town crier well like the chickens dry nobody get the chicken I heard the guy in the blue shirt he said the chickens dry don't get us well I thought that we run a lot of errands together - and her new thing is she likes to take like the most convoluted route to wherever we're going so it's almost like she's trying to confuse a kidnap victim you know I'm I'm like mom where you going the cleaners is right up here through the light on the right she's like you can go that way or you can take a right go up Congress around the rotary skip the light oh my god always trying to beat the system even when the systems in your favor but she did she got the Bluetooth in the car you know so now she can do her her phone calls in surround sound and so whenever we go anywhere she has to call someone and tell them what's up what we're doing so I was up there recently and we went to go get some purple pants hemmed so she we get in the car she calls our friend Donna Donna Kendra's Mecosta had a Kendra hi Kendra we're going to we're gonna go get those purple pants hemmed you know just in case we get in a car accident and the cops are like there was a pair of purple pants in the backseat looked a little too long for both the victims I think this might be more than just a fender bender I think we better look around and Donna can say no it was in fact just a mundane task they called me my family's a little crazy they they loved to talk about my family tree but there's really nothing there our value to speak of it's like everyone on my family tree has like a mental disability a physical impairment always followed up by the one redeeming characteristic so they'll be like oh you're gonna be a great on Sophie don't you hunchback mimic depressive but boy could she make a pot roast oh my gosh it was like quite a falling off the bone that meat she was married to your great uncle Charlie clubfoot alcoholic but boy could eejit a bug he won regional awards my mother comes from a from a long line of unsuccessful yard sales and every year she wants to give it one more shot I feel like Yas eels are just like a public admission to being like I don't know what trash is let me pull all this stuff on the front lawn and let the general public decide [Music] it's like oh that's not trash that is a price tag on it four hours from now when I pull it three feet that way then it'll be trash right now it's my inventory she likes to go to other people's neon sales too so it ends up being a lot of yard sale drive-bys which is like one of the most I feel like a very sinister type of drive-by as we all pull up like crouch down trying to see other people's stuff and then once we know that we got seen we peel off like we don't want your stuff either but pulling it back in the house I ended up going to the doctor because I busted the button off of three pairs of pants and not just like oh I'm missing a button but more like look how it heads up people are like what was that that's a button propelling off my size ten genes even though I've morphed into a 14 but I did I went to the doctor because I thought maybe I had like a stomach to him or something and and she and she informed me that I was in fact a very healthy 180 pound woman and I feel like we should be able to itemize that weight you know I mean I feel like I have a big head big big bosoms a big back sign that's 30 pounds right there now I'm down to 150 that's not so bad yeah thank you she um the doctor was very nice though like she said to me you know if you cut out carbs and alcohol the 30 days you'd lose weight and you'd have so much more energy I was like well is there anything I can do to lose weight and remain as lethargic as possible because I'd like to be skinny but apathetic she was trying to be nice she said you know it's a it's like a double-edged sword because if you're a man at your height and weight you'd be considered healthy but because you're a woman you can set it overweight now as I go so you're saying I need a sex change all right I didn't see that coming but sure explains a lot of things I feel I feel like I want to diagnose this when I go to the doctor they I feel like the only thing I'm really looking for in a primary care physician is someone who is as committed to finding something wrong with me as I am you know I'm like I gave you my copay give me my diagnosis maybe I just need to be burped I don't know that's why I'm here I did I started working out though I started going you know don't have the gym I mean this is the thing I've been working out but like not changing my eating habits so it's almost like I'm just like working out to maintain chubby you know what I mean I like I've been big into rotisserie chicken lately I have like three rotisserie chicken carcasses of my trash right now I I buy them like they might not be available tomorrow and I just eat them with my hand you know my friends like you want some silverware I'm like no I'm done just spritz the fat off my face I actually have an appointment my biggest thing I like it that my favorite buffalo chicken fingers I love buffalo chicken fingers I will see Kyle get up out of bed and go find myself some buffalo chicken fingers I was out the other night and they had um on the menu they had chicken fingers and then they had buffalo wings so I was like oh you think I could get buffalo chicken fingers and the waitress was like well it's just gonna be the chicken figures cooked in the buffalo sauce and I was like well thank God I asked because I was actually looking for the fingers of a buffalo chicken and I would have been disappointed how about the wings of those actually the wings of a buffalo there's this whole menu a big fuss I did I did recently try bran muffins I don't know if you haven't haven't tried them yet don't bother I feel like bran muffins slogan should be like hey if you love muffins but you don't love yourself enough to enjoy one that'd really sum up bran muffins I like blueberry muffins that's what I like yeah a nice round of applause this is what I like about blueberry I like the excitement of knowing that I'm gonna order a blueberry muffin and nobody else knows yet you know what I'm standing in line I'm looking around I'm like nobody has any idea what I'm about to do here and then the line starts getting shorter I'm like here we go here we go it's coming and then I get up to the counter and I always act like it's a really afterthought you know Mike can I get a large coffee and you know what give me one of those blueberry muffins I mean where I left my host 20 minutes ago knowing and I was gonna come here for a muffin like it worked again worked again I feel like I could rob a bank I really do but I have up and going up in one of the gym that I've been trying to trying to be good about working out all my friends like oh it's great you don't of the gym you can meet people there you know no one ever talks to me at the gym like one time a guy came up to me it was like oh where'd you get the snacks go crazy now I'm the girl with the outside food but my friends are always like oh you can meet men there I think I can meet men I'm like I don't know me pickup lines at the gym the best thing I can come up with is like hey who we can I know an ice cream shop up the street what do you say we get out of here don't have a little afternoon delight I actually do get I get intimidated at the gym because there are always guys there lifting weights making all these noises I don't know if you've ever seen them you know they're like oh [Music] like no one's forcing you to pick up those weights there's plenty of other lighter weights right around here play with those but it's addictive making those noises I do it now when I go to the gym I leave out the lifting heavy weights part I just walk through the door like ah this is terrible what am I doing here I did use some uh some Groupons for fitness they had one in New York from Mendes boxing gym boxing is a really good workout anyways I went I told them you know it's my first day of the Groupon and they said okay we'll go get changed go downstairs to get changed when you're ready see the guy in the red shirt in the corner he'll show you around it's not right I go down I get changed I go over to the guy I'm like it's my first day and he says you trained him for a fight and I was like no I have a Groupon I don't know if I was more embarrassed that I had a Groupon or he thought that I look like an out-of-shape female boxer I was like either way I'm saving money I had a couple of a yoga they have one of my neighborhood in Brooklyn really nice yoga place very serene beautiful surroundings you know when I walk in a lady I tell the lady I'm here with my Groupon she the teeth the yoga teacher brings me in she puts me on the mat next to this beautiful woman perfect size to a big engagement ring native tan and the yoga teaches like let me know if you have any questions I'm like yeah is she always here because I'd like to come to classes that she's absent from you don't mind I went to another place in the city another yoga place totally different scenario Manhattan I go in I say you know I have my Groupon and they're like oh yeah number 10 I'm like excuse me and they're like oh when you go in the room you'll see those numbers on the floor put your mat on number 10 Michael that's nice come on in relax de-stress do it right there that's what you do it relax on that one so I did I went and I went in and it was Jordan if someone's on number 10 Mike here we go um my excuse me I'm number 10 and she's like oh do you mind going to number 7 I want to be next to my friend no Mike I'm out of here I'm not doing this for all I know I go to number 7 she pulls some funny business on number 10 and my name's on the books downstairs I don't want any part of it I went and got a bacon egg and cheese much better use of my time I think uh I did i i i joined a running group too and this is what i learned about myself i'm a very ugly runner i get like beat red i'm hyperventilate my arms are flailing people actually stomping me on the street like you okay do you need help looks like there's something very wrong happening here I'm like no I'm just exercising thank you this is what I look like when I do things that are good for me but it's true I feel like when I run I cause out the people to run like they see me coming and they just throw this stuff in the air just like I don't know what's going on but this girl looks terrified and I'm getting out of the way the guy who runs my group he thinks like everything you put in your body should be fuel and he knows I don't feel the same way so he's always trying to get me to stick with it he's like you know Kendra Olympic runners eat four to five thousand calories a day and I'm like wow I got that down I eat like I'm training for the Olympics but I work out like a clinically depressed hypochondriac I'm like I don't want to go everybody hates me my back's broken it's terrible I have been going to I've been going to therapy because I have a lot of anxiety I mean I've been doing affirmations and I feel like the affirmations help you know but up but I almost feel like I get brainwashed like I ran into a friend the other day and she was like hey Kendra how are you and I was like I love and adore myself she's like okay see you later so I'm gonna be happy but lonely apparently but I did I started going to therapy and uh and the doctor the therapist said you know I don't feel like I got very much out of it I went for like I don't know three months and I felt like I spent most of the time just trying to figure out if me and the therapist had any friends in common you know because I didn't want her going back and telling Julie that I really think she's a jerk but she let me pay in cash which um which was nice I used to call my hush money and every time I paid her I wanted to be like this ought to help you keep you mouth shut this is the thing as a kid I had a lot of anxiety dreams about abandonment and I would have dreams that I came home and my whole house was empty my family was gone and now as I've gotten older I have a lot of anxiety dreams revolving around food so I had one the other day that uh I was eating lasagna alone in an empty restaurant and today I made that dream a reality here you know whose dreams died feel the fear and do it anyway yeah I've been doing a temp job I usually I feel like the past seven years I've been a bartender and and I like bartending I like the service industry I just felt like I was I was getting cranky I was turning into a cranky bartender one of the last nights that I worked I had a guy committed his money fanned out in his hand and he came up to the bar and he was like I have $7 what should I get I was like I don't know a job some financial planning advice perhaps and go buy a banana and make a phone call I can't help you here I'm making my living dollar by dollar then I had another guy he used to like give me his tips and he'd make them into little origami things you know I'm talking about like he'd make a tulip or a tuxedo shirt out of one dollar that had taken like 20 minutes to give me a buck I'm like hey get your prison yawns arts and crafts off the bar now what am I supposed to do with that I go into Dunkin Donuts the next day they like oh that's $3 I'm like is to tulips in a tuxedo shirt do you accept this mockery of our currency cuz this is how I get paid I had another guy who used to love to give me a susan b anthony coins I'm like I feel like susan b anthony coins is like the STD of tips you know Mike I don't want anyone to know I have this how am I getting rid of it and who the hell was that guy anyway you know it's crazy I have I've been doing I was doing a temp job and I'm not so good in the office you know I feel like there's no personal boundaries you know I come in with my food and everyone's like oh would you bring like it's mine back off and then I actually got in trouble for taking up too much room in the community refrigerator I was like doesn't sound like much of a community in Maine I'll bring my own refrigerator tomorrow I I got in trouble that the temp job because I was fresh to my temporary boss he was always asking me about my food you know what peer over my thing oh what's that what's that you're eating I'm like this this here this is a nosy jerk sandwich your mother made it for me you know like nosy jerks are right I don't like him either um anyways I I like I go back to Boston quite a bit and uh and all my friends back there you know they're married and I've been thinking a lot lately about wanting to wanting to do that myself and at the time when my friends in Boston got married this was 10 years ago I wasn't ready and the guy I was with was like you know whenever you're ready just say the word and I had no idea what the word was but I was petrified I might say it by accident so I got out of them but I feel like my idea of marrying a rich man hasn't changed but my idea of rich certainly has I used to always I used to get people talking about their boats and like oh that guy's got boat money good to know the other day I saw someone I know coming out of the dentist I was like oh dentists money Wow good to know good to know but I feel like I got to work on it you know now it's gonna be harder I've got molder I feel like I miss my my window of opportunity to be like a trophy wife you know now I'd be like a bowling trophy but I do feel like when guys find out how old I am they start looking at me a little more closely like suddenly they're contemplating buying a vintage convertible you know you know like now it's in good shape moves fast I like that looks great with the top off there's really no way knowing how many owners this thing has had how long the body's gonna keep up I have a funny feeling I might have to throw a lot of money into this thing I I do I really do want to get married I did dating now is terrible you know when I was in my 20s it was it was easier and I feel like I was a lot more aggressive in my 20s you know my 20s a guy would give me his business card at column if you didn't call me back and shoot him an email you know I was like oh there's nothing wrong with a woman pursuing a man maybe I'd stop by his place of employment drop off an application No it's not a crime for a woman to go after what she wants turns out of this it's called stalking and harassment but I just this is a thing it's tough to date nowadays I mean I went on an app I was being very honest I would say lonely control-freak seeks man a few words her romantic game assignment says you know and I wasn't getting very far it's hard to find a good one you know I want a good one I've waited this long I went out with a guy halfway through the meal he turns to me and he goes that's not your natural color that's fake but my here oh my girl you got me I'm busted my haircolor is fake but you didn't pick up on all those fake laughs earlier did you know he had headaches got you then I went out with another guy in a 5 dates we went out on and he invited me over to his apartment to make supper so I go over and I had this weird noise in the other room he goes in the other room and it's like this weird hey so I poked my head in I'm looking to see what he's doing he's inflating an inflatable mattress I'm like ok so now I know on date one or two I need to ask do you have a mattress is it inflatable because that's a deal-breaker for me but I feel like he should have asked hey do you like to sleep on square balloons I said now namaste good luck with your journey I did have a one guy really nice guy like a gentleman he called me up on the phone nobody really does that anymore and he called me up on a Sunday he asked me out for a Thursday and he says I'll call you Thursday at 7 o'clock we'll make a definite plan fine Monday I go I get my nails done Tuesday picking out my jeans Wednesday I got my hair blown out Thursday comes around 7 o'clock he calls he asks me if I want to go to Starbucks for a cup of coffee I'm like I had my coffee at 7 o'clock this morning what's your backup plan you want to go to the post office grab a book of stamps together I mean that we're going on a date not running errands anyway I I know that you know I've been thinking a lot about getting married and not so much like looking at venues addresses but subtle things you know like I'll fill out a legal form and I'll say a single I'm married and I'll check off single and then I write in but I can explain I was the other night I was having a I was eating alone and this guy came up to me and he he whispered are you waiting for your husband and I was like yes I you him I've been waiting for a very long time my friends back home they used to help me you know that try to that try to hook me up that call me with leads you know they'd be like oh I know a businessman he has three houses he loves to travel and now as the years have gone on I get these calls like hey my mechanic just lost his hand and a carburetor accident Ian how to do bandages housings included that's all right yeah I think the biggest thing for me is that uh you know what I feel like I'm not a man-hater I like men I feel like if men want pets I would have one I might even have two or three of them I feel like I'm the type of woman who would move to the country so my men would have more room to run around you know I'm selfless like that I just think that guys can be stupid I had a guy come up to it me after a show and he goes I'm really into chubby chicks and I was like Oh too bad I'm not into honest guys we would have had a really nice relationship ahead of us you and I it's hard to tell when you I mean you don't know when you went with someone stupid as I go as adults as kids we knew they weren't a special class okay the krusty knows you know they'd a stupid tell but as an adult you can be involved with someone for like six seven months before you like oh you're an imbecile that's why we're having so many problems so from now on undone date one I'm like I want to see a sixth grade report card this stupids dancer-ly it doesn't get much better from there this is one I know I know that then I'm starting to get a little nuts though because I was on the subway recently rush hour packed in like sardines and a couple next to me stats making out the sun's still up now it's like no it's like two three stomps later they're rubbing each other up and down grabbing each other's buttocks you know finally I tapped the girl on the shoulder I was like hey I'll take it from here [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 754,592

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Kendra Cunningham, Kendra Cunningham Dry Bar Comedy, Kendra Cunningham Comedian, Kendra Cunningham Comedy, Dry Comedy bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Weight gain, gaining weight, chicken wings, sauce, underwear

Id: DQncwFXBUak

Length: 32min 45sec (1965 seconds)

Published: Thu May 21 2020