English Speakers Cant Understand Each Other. DC Benny - Full Special

look i i can't understand what you're saying you need to speak english i have one but i do have a new friend that i made this english guy in my neighborhood england english people think i'm a genius like no matter what i say like i'm gonna go to a store to buy some eggs oh that's brilliant i'm buying the eggs i'm not laying them that would be brilliant this guy you know i have to get them acclimated to new york it's a very you know it's confusing it's a confusing place and he's so i've become like his you know tour guide and stuff so he wanted he had never been on the subway he wanted to bring his bike on the subway so he hired me to negotiate the deal you know so i had to go down there but before i could say anything he got into an argument with the subway token booth clerk nobody can make themselves understood it was like a cultural impasse you know excuse me right i've got i've got this bicycle i'd like to bring the bicycle on the tube i bring the bicycle onto you and what you gonna do you gonna take that car you gonna slide it through the slot cheers pretty i've got a bar school the wheel was changing i'd like to bring the body school on youtube you gonna take that card you're gonna slide it through the slot the line the line with the money at just you need to speak english hey don't you man it is a choo-choo train the dude just snapped he looks and he's like bruh how do you new yorkers understand each other i was like knowledge so it's it for me this is a real treat to be here i get to get out of new york a little bit you know we went on a vacation that didn't go well you know i was all excited my wife surprised me she's like we're going to uh we're going to costa rica right i've never been there so i'm like okay she didn't tell me we're staying in the jungle she's like it's a health resort in the jungle because you know that's where you go to get healthy is the jungle hey you're losing weight you're working out now that seats you fly by you've got a little malaria you know sweating for 32 weights pretty good one week so i packed nice stuff i got a little great gatsby alligator belt you know i don't have my you know shawshank redemption outfit on them all we're getting ready and we find i'm scared of flying that's another thing so we fly the normal plane but to get there once you land you've got to catch one of those little planes and those are the those are the scariest like the pilot if you're scared of flying the pilot starts it with the hand and this pilot had an eye patch and the other eye was lazy it was looking where the old i used to be i'm like oh this that's not going to be good so the plane takes off the engine doesn't sound good it sounds like somebody sucked up a penny with a dust buster like i'm like we're gonna die so and the pilot he senses i'm scared it's only us on the plane so he keeps looking back and winking with the remaining eye i'm like make that eye look that way you know because every time it opens it's looking different directions like lemons oranges you know make it look that way it could be geeks or something he's like you know so then we land right now we got to catch a raft to the jungle i'm not hug finn i've never been on a raft you know some little apprehensive so the guy comes over who's taking us and i'm asking him questions you know that i think are normal questions i'm like you got a a raft license you went to raft school or something a certificate i can see and the guy's not friendly at all he says one thing to me he's like in the jungle there is no he was kind of passive aggressive right kind of passive aggression so i'm on a raft we're going down the river i'm marinating on this statement you know and i look on one side and there's trees and another side this tree that has fallen all of a sudden it sprouts eyes and legs and starts following us i'm like oh that's a crocodile you know i better tell the guy i'm like uh there's a crocodile back there he's like it's time i mean it's time for what it is time to battle i'm like you got the only pedal what do i use the hand i'm not putting a hand in the water i saw that movie with j-lo an ice cube and stuff jumps out of the water all i could think is a crocodile saw the belt and wanted revenge you know you killed my cousin so we make it to the land and uh we're seeing in huts and uh again there's no costa ricans there there's no americans there's only germans uh i don't understand if you ever go to a hot place there's always germans there all you know it's a very painful sounding language and they're always sunburned red and they have the little tiny bathing suits that leave nothing to the imagination you know the little hammocks with the whole fruit bowls in there and and i think that's how that language got invented you know thousands of years ago jerome went to a hot place got all sunburned like ooh my butt on fire just how he thought from now on get down so uh i start unloading my stuff the guy comes always like don't leave the clothes out because in the night the howler monkey coming you're taking the clothes you're on it i said the what the howling monkey come here taking the clothes you i know in brooklyn i'm not worried about the howler monkey like the other night uh a rat ran over my foot i was wearing flip-flops and it tickled so i go to sleep i wake up the next day all my stuff is gone i look up in the tree there's a holler monkey up there he's got my shirt on he's got the collar popped all 80s it's the 80s howler monkey i know he's stolen stuff where the sleeves are rolled up on him so now my wife wants to go on a hike in the jungle right so it's just myself her and the guide and it's funny situations i don't know if you guys ever been in this situation when you're out of your element and the person in charge takes takes liberties takes control you know like this guy uh he's kind of hitting on my wife in front of me you know showing her the features of the jungle in great detail my turn he loses enthusiasm he has a machete it's a really awkward situation you know he'll be like lulu break the leaf and chew that one doesn't like the toothpaste for the nature for the lady i'm like what's that leaf you know you don't say leaf before [Music] look that one dusty jesus christmaser because he run on top of the water like jesus i'm like what's that i look at the leaf he walked too slow under him and then he starts trying to scare me it's like what's that sound i'm like what sound he's like dichoncho de chancho he smelled the gringo he know they have the money this makes him very angry like how do you get away from the chancho you climbed the tree but the chancho know you in the tree he pee-pee around the base of the tree the chancho peepee special come out like a concentrate you breathe there you feel woozy you fall out of the tree that chance you die so now i'm terrified that this pig with a raging urinary tract infection and a working degree of economics is going to come running out of the jungle three hours later no chancho and now this guy wants a tip and all of a sudden his english gets really good he's like i don't know if you saw but there's a 20 gratuity at the bottom of that contract i looked at him i was like indie jungle there is no law hey guys uh i know you guys are looking at me like this dude's not gonna be funny looks like he's going to give a lecture about considering a career in law enforcement yeah if people don't think i'm going to be funny you know they ask me for directions a lot that happens a lot it happened just outside the hotel you know i don't know where anything this lady comes up where's the post office where's the post office you want to tell them something so i was like uh go straight make a right then another right then another right when you get back here ask somebody who knows good to be here in indiana jones's living room i'm a comedian my wife is a psychologist so she uh fixes people's problems all day i make fun of him all night that's not how that works we live in brooklyn new york brooklyn new york it's uh it's kind of fancy now it's like dogs with uggs and stuff and you know but i did hear this argument out of the window the other day one guy shouts at another guy you know what the real n word is knowledge [Music] you see stuff in brooklyn you don't see anywhere else i was walking through the park the other day i see this old man doing tai chi i'm like ah that's cool then i look closer it's not an old man doing tai chi it's one of those heroin guys it never falls over i think that's who designed this set i think that's what designed this set i didn't grow up in brooklyn i grew up in washington d.c i went to uh yeah i went to dc public schools the only school system with white history month uh i was the only white kid on my class for the school play i was the snow storm i just ran across stage naked then i moved to new york i moved to brooklyn and my neighborhood was hostile when i moved there like the first is 30 years ago the first day i'm there getting a confrontation you know with this guy you know i ought to i don't bust your face i don't bust your face you stand on my block you don't show no respect you look in my eye i had to bust your face i was like look officer i'm just trying to [Music] trying to acclimate myself so i'm a jewish comedian married to a black woman with a phd who looks like an indian we live in an italian name in brooklyn everybody thinks i'm puerto rican you know so puerto ricans think i'm a cop i play a lot of cops and in shows and stuff like that but most of the time i play bad guys like uh a while ago i had an audition for a show called swift justice which you can tell by the name there's gonna be a really bad show you know and i always play like flocco the drug dealer and i have one line and the line is i'm gonna cut you good you know so i'm practicing in the apartment i'm doing to the cat you know i'm gonna cut you good you know do it to my wife i'm gonna cut you good she's like take out the trash i'm like you know i memorized live so i go to the audition the next day there's 30 guys look just like me sitting there we're going to cut you you know i'm nervous cass director comes out he messes up my name dc benny he's like jc penny yeah come on i walk in i'm so nervous i forget the line so i improvise something i'm like i'll kill all you fools and i just leave right and i get the part i get the party second i'm very excited you know practicing we the day we shoot it we shoot it everything's great and then uh the night it comes on i tell everybody my whole family was sitting there watching the part comes i'm nowhere to be found i'm like what happened my wife's saying [Music] my wife has an uncle uh named willy and he's one of those dudes that uh is obsessed with racism you know he's uh he's always telling me all these different theories he has like everybody came from the black man reason nobody knows about it is because the fbi has suppressed this evidence he's like look here what's fbi stand for false black information frogging up a brother's identity what's the cia caucasians and then alibis everybody black jewish people came from the black man what did jewish people say oi what's oil backwards yo same thing same thing italians are black sicily named after who sis lit tyson italy is in the shape of a boot cause a brother when timberland has discovered it even scottish people are black wear them skirts called kilts why you stick your hand under it you're gonna get killed i'm like who is white then anybody named bob bob is a secret cia co-worker for back of the bus that's why you don't ever see a brother named bob no brothers and we call rob because when he can't find no job he robbed [Music] [Applause] [Music] so the neighborhood i live in i just got out of a seven year vendetta with a neighbor over over a parking space uh i live in this old school italian neighborhood right there's one guy there this violent old man you know he's got a he's got a tomato plant from the house he keeps a lead pipe in it you know it's not in plumbing just to threaten people with it he's got he takes up four parking spaces he's got three cars he puts cones in between takes up four spaces which is incredibly there's no parking there at all it's just so annoying so i'm a scorpio i'm a little vindictive whenever i see one of his faces open i park into space and he does stuff to my car that's how this whole thing started like the first time i saw the space opener i parked in the space i come back there's a hard-boiled egg stuffed in the exhaust over the phone okay okay so wait wait until it gets a little uh warm he cracks the windows in one of his car i filled up his car i had a big bag of glitter i filled it up with glitter and i know he cleaned it out because he had sprinkles on his face for like a week you know he looked like a he looked like a stripper but he didn't smell like yankee vanilla candles a little time goes by a little time goes i see the space open i park into space right i come back the next day the gas flap is open the cap is missing there's an empty bag of domino sugar duct taped to the to the top of the car like you put sugar in my gas tank so we'll put a neutral roll to the gas station and have the guys look at it they're like no there doesn't seem to be any sugar residue but uh it seems like somebody's trying to send you a message oh was it sicily in 1821 so like okay all right so wait till it gets cold i take his cones i get them wet on the bottom i stick them on the top of each car and they freeze like sirens like sirens i drive by when he's trying to break one off i'm like whoop whoop and then i drive off right now a little time goes by a little time goes by alternate side parking you know we gotta move the cars one side to the other is suspended for a week so i see the space open i park in there i leave it for a week out of spite right i take the train out of spot it's beautiful right i come back at the end of the week there are eight slices of bologna on the hood of my car that have been sitting there it doesn't sound like a big deal but here's the thing about bologna is how bad it is for your digestive system if you leave it on the hood of a car for more than three and a half days it adheres to the paint so when you pull it off it takes a big circle of paint with it so i have this polka dot hood permanently poking out at hood and this guy's yelling stuff out of the window these old world war ii insults you know send a salami to your boy in the army i'm always like let it go let it go whatever so then like another week like i said i park in this space or whatever i come back the windshield's cracked i got four flat tires he's keyed the car he's broken off the antenna i'm about to lose my my mind my wife's like just let it go let it go this guy's crazy you're out of your league right you know but in my heart i want revenge i'll let it go well uh about a month ago the dude dies and i had nothing to do with it i mean i wasn't there this is i'm not gonna say i'm sorry because i'm not but um but still it's a human life you gotta do the right thing i i see his wife a couple weeks ago so like how i just want to extend my condolences about anthony's untimely demise uh hopefully he's in a better place you know with more abundant parking and uh and we had a moment together we had a moment she gets all teary-eyed she's like you know you're the only one that said anything and the whole neighborhood the only one that said anything because a lot of people didn't notice anthony anthony was very sick for the last five years that is why he acted the way he did and she goes really there was only one thing that kept him going i'm like what was that she's like he hated you we got all kinds of stuff in our neighborhood we got a fortune teller you ever go to a fortune teller i'm like i gotta try it this lady was predicting the most unamazing stuff she had a crystal ball yeah it's like i see in your future tall dark man with big forehead i'm like that's my reflection silence do not mock the power i see your cambodian no canadian no custodian yes you're because i'm a comedian we got spell check on this vault he's do you see refund [Laughter] well now they did a show in amsterdam that was cool i met a guy that lived in a windmill i was like how do you bring girls home to a windmill it's like you have to be very careful you have to time it i did a show in jamaica i got stopped at customs the ladies going through my stuff you know are you bringing any drugs into jamaica i was like drugs into jamaica it's like bringing slim fast in ethiopia all the ethiopians here tonight are gonna get you know i try not to you know like uh my friends people get pretty sensitive now everybody got so sensitive i don't know when this stuff happened you know like i had a friend who used to be my friend uh he came over the other days he's like i'm hungry like okay so i think i fixed him a sandwich and he's like well i can't eat that and i said well why not he's like well because i have a gluten allergy i'm like what are the symptoms he's like we feel full and tired i'm like that's what's supposed to happen after you eat bread not supposed to be famished and local alert robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now and the lady they sent them to the bank should be going mom [Music] mom

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 330,103

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, DC Benny, DC Benny Dry Bar Comedy, DC Benny Comedy, DC Benny Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, English Speakers, british, new york accent, tube, subway, costa rica, pilot, ethiopian, dbc, stand up

Id: 2kjIEMFzBuE

Length: 19min 40sec (1180 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 01 2021