Christopher Titus • Born With A Defect • Full Special

hey everybody titus hey we're releasing another stand-up special uh this one's specifically for all you parents out there with kids at home born with a defect uh one of my favorites uh i i don't even think my ex i think my ex might have brought this one up in court too uh enjoy it people uh it's one of my favorites you'll uh you'll you'll get it uh if you have children it's therapy if you don't have children it is 90 minutes of birth control peace be safe stay in let's end this so [Music] [Applause] [Music] all right good very nice thank you okay all right that's enough i have a show to do uh i've never talked about this before i'm gonna talk about it now i was born with a defect um i was actually born a child and i don't understand how human beings run anything we're the only species born without ability or instinct every other animal has it dolphin swims for its first breath deer walks in an hour human child needs two adults around it for five years so it doesn't choke on a cheerio if babies didn't smile cute they would be food babies are worth it there's nothing there having a baby is like buying a laptop that won't turn on and shits itself we can't even survive for the first couple years someone's ramming a nipple in our face every two hours i still feel like that to this day anyone else yeah yes thank you but if it's a boy child nipples rammed in too often has a problem with women later in life and if it's a girl child nipple's rammed into alvin she experiments in college you know what you did every other animal on the planet has fear programmed we invented the x-games every other animal here's a combine going through a cornfield here's that motor hides in a hole human toddler hears a combine going through a cornfield runs in front of it and goes daddy track ah damn it got to clean out the chute again that's right joke number five we chopped up a child in a combine are you guys ready good good good jay whoa all right every other animal on the planet is instinctively afraid of fire human beings learn about fire by touching fire that's defective how did we get the keys to this planet now my brother learned about fire when he was ten because ten-year-old boys are just pyromaniac puppies with opposable thumbs and we had a real cool uncle growing up remember that cool uncle honey was so cool when you were a kid then you became an adult and realized someone should have called child services hey here's a magazine put that under your bed don't tell your dad ah hey ever try 120 proof whiskey don't tell your dad ah don't sign anything from the goddamn government i sign your dad's name don't tell your dad huh that uncle we were literally he would do like the thumb trick no i mean the to them not the other no that's the other uncle that's no he would do the magic trick but as we got older my family uncle started giving us criminal knowledge at barbecues and we were always hanging out with him and the adults weren't there because i guess in case they had to testify i don't know why and one day my uncle just comes out on fourth of july with this giant can of bug spray and he goes kids you guys know bug spray is flammable don't tell your dad blows a lighter and just goes we were little kids were like that's the coolest thing we've ever seen and now as an adult i realized it's also how they train isis but you can't show little kids so this knowledge beats around my brother's head for three months and then one day in the backyard it pops like a stupidity zit and we had these giant concrete planters in our backyard that my dad had stolen from work or if that's it ain't stealing if they ain't using them then why are we picking them up at midnight dad cause they ain't using them dumbass [Applause] yeah some of these jokes dad wrote when he was alive so so my brother gets this big giant can of bug napalm starts filling up this planter with mist and he's throwing matches into it and it was working it was a it was like a kiss concert in the backyard without the 55 year old women flashing their boobs oh my god yeah hey there's a day for all of us to keep our shirts down and if you don't know that day ask a friend they'll be honest i have to do a little sidebar i actually did a show while back four five four years ago up in northern california for uh michael anthony and sammy hager then we open this big thing for a radio station it's fifteen thousand c i go out i'm doing jokes doing jokes in the middle of me doing jokes some 450 pound like 60 year woman just goes you may be able to play guitar but it is hard to tell jokes with puke in your mouth [Applause] so my brother's setting these planters a fire and he does that for like an hour then he gets bored and he's a ten-year-old boy so he wants some more pyrotechnic knowledge cause he knows one day he may be a warlock he snaps a branch off a tree makes a fuse out of it strips it all down puts it in the bottom of the planter coats and this horrible toxic cancer causing bug juice fills it with mist again and he's gonna light it but before he lights it he wants to see what's gonna happen so he takes his face and he puts it in the planter and this is why i'm pissed youtube didn't exist when i was a child because this is this is sponsorship money right here and he lights it and before he can move a millimeter goes yeah and when he stood up he was tan eyebrow less and the center part of his hair right here was missing he looked like a ten-year-old middle-aged accountant with hair plugs just ash on top of his head and i come on like an hour later and he is freaking out oh my god look what i did dad's gonna kill me and i'm the older brother i said calm down dad is gonna kill you but why stress if you know it's gonna happen shut up man you gotta help me i can't help you you've disfigured yourself i think we can't like shave the dog and make a tiny toupee it's gonna look stupid i mean i'll get out of sharpie and draw on your eyebrows but you're gonna look like a pirate on chemo that's all i'm going to say ah remember remember when you were kidding you committed that household felony we all did it the big one i'm talking the big one you had the water fight in the house with the hose the drywall had to be replaced threw a fire crack in the toilet just to theo it's got to happen gave one of your friends anti-freeze and told him it was gatorade had to watch the emts drive off and to get his stomach pumped and you knew parents had been called and all you had to do was wait for dad and i was in trouble so it was fun i got to observe and you could see the stress tumors metastasizing in my brother as it got closer and at 5 30 hear the up on the driveway and i have to admit my brother took it like a man he wouldn't sit right in front of the front door just he looked like a guy on death row in a johnny cash song just i'm gonna have to pay for what i've done my father opens the door puts his briefcase down and looks at my brother and goes [Laughter] [Applause] and my brother dad let me tell you what happened i don't care what happened whatever you did you paid for it don't do it again god damn it we're idiots as a species it's just we're idiots and i'm a father which just you know just was a mistake and frightens people when i tell people i have kids they don't go boys and girls they go really they okay compared to me yeah i have two kids uh two marriages and a parade of stressed polyps and my colon having a rave and if you're a parent tonight you know what a joy having children is and if you're a parent tonight you know it's hard to say that sentence without laughing every parent in this room at one point is stared into their children's yellow hazy sugar-fueled eyes and thought i was tricked i could have been something next thanksgiving i'm punching my mom in the throat and that's where love comes from and i want to be clear i do love my kids because i hate jail [Applause] and this is about the title of the show where women start to get a little stink face going on they're like oh my god what's he talking about kids are great what is he talking about they're amazing they're little they're little jesus tears that's what they are no not at all no they're little jesus hemorrhoids that's what they are that's how they they are yeah they are painful annoying and hard to get rid of i described a hemorrhoid that's a hemorrhoid all right let me ask you parents who actually think their kids just rule the world are the greatest thing ever was the last time your kid walked in the room and said mom dad can i help you with anything mom dad what would you like for christmas do you realize if you had a friend that borrowed 20 from you so he could go out and buy you a shitty birthday present you would stab him in the face with a fork yeah i want to be clear about what tonight's show is going to be about if you are a parent tonight's show is therapy if you don't have kids tonight's show is 90 minutes of birth are control they're horrible man having a kid is like putting all your money into asbestos dangerous causes disease and if it's yours you're liable for it they are they're just little disease-filled skin banks passing onto you every disease that's floating through its preschool man preschool just a viral hot zone full of patient zeros that's all it is a room full of tiny sociopathic humans who can play board games while sitting in their own feces that's mental patient behavior and every parent in this room at one point is it a sick kid and send it to school anyway yeah i know you people without kids are thinking that's horrible that's irresponsible well maybe but also sometimes you need a couple [ __ ] hours the problem is every other parent did the same thing or that joke would have gotten one laugh and we would have beat the hell out of that person for making our kids sick the problem is we all send them to school put them in one room see what kind of a bowl of cocktail they could come up with i'm not worried about terrorists coming up with a super plague i'm worried about it being weaponized at nap time that's when it's gonna get weird you know who's gonna survive the apocalypse cockroaches and kindergarten teachers because their immune system is just amazing knock her down we gotta get the antidote they're horrible and why is every little kid under sex always oozing something the hell is coming out of him it's not a solid it's not a liquid it's nowhere on the element chart what is it how come every kid under six is just a little bit steamy do you ever touch the little kids like oh [Music] trying to pull your hand out from trying to get velcro off a poodle yeah the hell is on you there's nothing obviously and they love it whatever goo that is they love it they love it they love it i can prove it try to wipe any kid under six with a napkin it's like you pepper sprayed them how defective is that you're literally covered in a slime that could wipe out an indigenous people and you just keep eating your [ __ ] cookie that joke came from a real place i i was doing bills one night i was doing all the bills and i did all of my like like the household bills that i did my wife and my bills and then i did the kid bills and it was more kid bills than adult bills and i got in i went to a bad place and i was walking through the house and i walked past the living room where my kids were and they weren't digging ditches or putting an addition on the house they were on the couch wrapped in blankets eating a tray of cookies in front of you and i just stopped and look at you sitting there eating your plugging cookies and then my head went back out of the room you don't want to be on the news like this so i walked away just little disease-filled skin bags i want you to hug it that's all they are people complain all the time all right it wasn't hugged enough as the child had to go to therapy hug you till you were 10. you were a pathogen with legs man between one and three all of us were just war crimes and plastic pants that's all we were ah and i don't care they have kids or not everybody in this room at one point has walked into someone else's house who has kids and said this sentence what is that smell and i don't mean the baby smelling their little italicum powdery that's kind of cute i mean once they hit the larva stage and the first time it happened to me my son was seven i walked in that and you weren't ready for it i didn't know what the hell it was like oh honey cross state farm we have toxic mold everyone get their mass on we're going to be japanese for a couple weeks [Applause] did you hear that pause that was that was that paul you guys checked to see if that joke was racist you went hot [Applause] don't worry i got this relax i cleared it you know whenever i see 12 japanese people in airport with mass on i never think that is so cute culturally i always think what the hell do they know ron i'm gonna go down to the rosetta stone kiosk and get some goddamn answers so you walk into the house as a parent and you're thinking okay what is that smell oh i know what that smell is that smell is one of the tiny pets that disappeared cause when they're little you can't talk about death when a pet dies when they're little it's like a mob hit daddy dad what happened to mr pickles mr pickles got a job now state [Applause] why you asking so many questions how about you go in the other room eat your [ __ ] cookie how about that how about that huh and then your argument has think okay i know what i'm looking for now i am looking for a guinea pig corpse that's what i'm looking for and then after a while you think you know what that smell is too big that can't maybe someone left a tuna fish sandwich in the vagina of a sperm whale cause [Applause] yeah that one's a little tart isn't it that one yeah some of those special laughs ha ha [Applause] i have two children i have two children i have a 12 year old boy and a 14 year old girl uh so my house is the thunderdome of stink right now it is a dueling piano bar of odor and they're trading the title all the time it's really interesting my daughter's also going through the change which is just amazing oh hi daddy honey calm down i know what this is you are very pretty and here are some m ms i'm a good dad my son is 12 which means he is olympic level dumb i'm 10 to 14 year old boys man but i don't understand i thought he was on the spectrum for a long time well i guess we just got to love him and then one day a bunch of his friends came over like oh they're all idiots oh honey we're okay he's just normal stupid we're fine stupidest group of kids i've never seen ten to four year boys man if aliens landed at my kid's school and just interviewed the 10 to 14 boys they would vaporize the earth they'd be nah this species is gonna die out on its own let's just end it here these guys my god look at the socks don't match they're wearing cargo shirts with a long sleeve shirt jesus they think they're funny they're not and what is that smell i came downstairs on saturday a while back and my son's sitting on the couch watching television and he has on no pants i don't mean he has an underwear and no pants i mean he's got a long t-shirt on and absolutely no pain and he was 11. he knew about pants like what are you doing i'm watching cartoons [Applause] you have no pants he looks me right in the face and goes oh [Music] like it wasn't even the top five things bugging him and then he goes back to watching television do you people that don't have kids you think you've been angry in your life that's adorable that is so cute i'm not saying you've never been angry i'm just saying your normal single non-kid anger is a ten here when you have a child it's like adding a four inch layer of bitter frustration icing that smells like almonds and tastes like aneurysm and you can't do anything cause the little kids just kidding they're your little kids you can't need them in the face cause the laws are different now my dad didn't have those laws that's why i'm not symmetrical and and you and you just can't start screaming cause you lose all credibility so what i find myself doing now to so nothing bad happens is i turn and i walk out of the room having a mumble argument to myself like you know real okay wow oh you know what pants are and you're too young to have to air it out i don't know what you're thinking and and what makes you think it's okay to put your greasy little boy taint on my leather couch my god i mean jesus christ [Applause] you left a racing stripe the dogs won't go near my i don't think we have a homeless problem in this country i think it's just parents roaming the streets talking to themselves trying to figure out what the hell their kid just did and thank god i have a spouse cause i can go find her that's the greater my wife i know if i can just go i use it did you see what cause did you tell him it was because i didn't i don't even know what the you know i'm gonna go for a walk i gotta go i gotta go and then i find myself in front of my house just walking down the street going like why would you put every piece of clothing you own in the washer at one time you heard the washer going and you saw the smoke and the flame pouring out of the back of it after you filled it with dish soap you little dumbass my god and while i'm in front of my house spaz ranting someone slaps a dollar in my hand i'm gonna stay out here and do this this is way easier than raising a kid and i made money so i come back downstairs after i've calmed down i'd go go get on some pants and here's what pissed me off he got up like i did something wrong he gotta oh dad lives in the 40s where people gotta wear pants i go about my saturday i flick to some channels i check some emails blah blah blah and i forget about them for 90 minutes yeah and then all of a sudden i realize i haven't heard a noise out of my son in over an hour and a half now do you people without kids that sounds amazing doesn't it oh god how great was that no no until you have one you will not know the bone-chilling terror of that first nanosecond you notice the death-like silence of a free-range 11-year-old boy it's like waking up on a flight and noticing the engines just quit and i start bolting through the house i get to his room i was like and you know when i found him i wish to god he was doing something diabolical evil building a bomb worshiping satan something cause at least then i know he was doing something productive and he's gonna be the leader of the prison gang what's your son doing he's running chino that's a conversation that i'm willing to hack with somebody if that's where it ends up instead i look into my son's room he's standing in the middle of the room simply doing this [Applause] [Applause] the hell is he doing what are you doing what are you getting ready for an early 20s crystal meth addiction what is that i look down still no pants but progress has been made and this happened my son is now wearing two pair of underwear i don't have a context for that conversation i can't even sit down and give him a dad life lesson i remember when i put on two pair of underwear i don't i i just went you get what the f uh wow don't you have nerve endings in your ass you didn't notice that you put underwear over underwear and just because you put underwear over underwear doesn't make the second pair of underwear pants oh my god what does a special school cost jesus i i can't spell montessori god and what is that smell i'd smell i swear i wasn't gonna be one of those parents everyone has a friend who had too many kids they regret it and when you go to their house it always smells like they're cooking eggs do you guys like to eat out on the patio please thank you and i wasn't going to be they're just giving up you can tell they've just given up their house is going to smell like that till everybody leaves and they burn it down and i wasn't going to be that parent so the first time i'd have i went to this room and i went through everything went through his drawers and went through his closet and ha ha i couldn't find his mouth i wish there was a 12-inch human turd under his bed cause then i could go victory i have found this man get the hazmat suits in the bleach and then we shall dance instead i just walk out why how does it soak into latex it's impossible oh my god if you have kids that smell if you have boys especially oh girls have it too my daughter has a weird thing her room looks great but you open her closet and it's like okay all right your clothes have fumes honey they shouldn't have fumes the smell is worse than a hospital or a nursing home or or a death camp like i could save some people from dachau hide in my son's room stay here the nazis will never get you here and after about 10 minutes they would go you know we're going to go back to the camp do you smell that i think i need a shower no no no no no don't you ooh that that joke tracks perfectly i put in my son's room they smelled something horrible they felt disgusting they needed a shower but then you guys added history yeah that's on you [ __ ] as a matter of fact ooh ooh yeah oh yeah i'm a little disappointed in all of you frankly yeah how's that feel two people that do not have children listen up cool uncle titus is gonna help you out right now between 1 and 18 a child is going to cost you roughly 300 000 uh-huh yeah do you know what you can get for 300 000 a lamborghini do you know what you can get with a lamborghini anything you want are you kidding me man you got a lamborghini park in front of any restaurant or store in this town park it right here sir we're gonna wipe it down while you're inside get that man a glass of champagne for he has a lamborghini pull up to a job interview in a lamborghini you're obviously management potential please go talk to the boss we're going to give you the quarter office because you have a lamborghini gentlemen you're driving a lamborghini who is sitting next to you way out of your league chick that's who's sitting next to you smoking body she got money she got class she doesn't like you but you have a lamborghini and you're living the lamborghini life man doing what you want when you want staying up all night and getting up early cause you're not tired at all that's right cause you know what a lamborghini doesn't have a [ __ ] car seat that's what it doesn't have that's what it doesn't have driving to town just you know driving past parents and minivans with bald tires because connor needs braces they're watching you drive by like starving african children [Applause] flies buzzing around their head because what is that smell but you out there living the lamborghini life doing crazy stuff taking vacations that actually feel like vacations oh you're staying in the top floor of the resort and the kid's not a loud suite i've been there once it was incredible out on the balcony with the one man 60 bottle of pinot noir cling this is an amazing life i love you you love me and then 18 rooms down the hotel way in the distance you hear god damn it brian stop jumping on the bed who said you could open the mini bar 32 cashews you kids are killing me that is never gonna be us clean let's go in that room and have some lamborghini sex ah and you go in that room and you take off your clothes and you still look good cause you don't have the stress fat that kids give you and you leave the door open because nobody's going to walk in on you and you get at the ropes and the chains and the lava lamp you're doing it like you want to do it yeah yeah ride this more than eight seconds whoa yes yes making noises from cro-magnon [Applause] times but i drank too much and forgot to be careful that night now the lamborghini's on craigslist and you burnt that lamborghini money like that you know why cause that kid has allergies and needs meds and a tudor because it's missed so much school and you can't have a damn peanut in your house ever again yeah and now that amazing relationship we had you guys did everything together now you're still doing that but now it's getting fat and losing your hair [Music] and you're going to sleep before the nightclub opens and your friends that don't have kids won't come over anymore you guys want to come for dinner ah no we have to go to canada and you gotta take a job you hate down at the mill cause you're living in a bruce springsteen song now and not the first verse the third verse where it gets weird and every morning at 4 a.m you leave work with your tiny little lunch box but you always glance back at the electric guitar you bought right before she got pregnant behind that fading into the wall paper the rest of your crushed hopes and dreams and now you got to start hanging out with other parents oh most unreasonable group of delusional humps i have ever met in my life some of your inner tonight that's when they joke out a little bit of subdued laugh i'm not delusional yeah you are holy [ __ ] and you're out there with them you know they've also balled up their hopes and dreams instead of tossing them away like you did they took their hopes and dreams and started ramming them down their kids throats yeah you're going to soccer camp three times a year because daddy didn't get to play in college and you're out there with them you know you know you're kid's on the team too and you love getting up at 7 a.m on a saturday and i'm just out there god please i hope somebody breaks a tibia i don't even care if it's my kid because then we won't have to come back next saturday and while you're standing there praying for it to be over that one dude you see my little brian out there he's amazing oh my god you see my bra and he's badass kid's gonna be in the world cup the kid that just ran full speed into the goal pose that kid yeah he always gives 110 110 and you guys see my little stanley who's a badass gonna play in the nfl stanley weighs like 17 pounds hey hey hey hey stanley's life coach said don't talk about stanley's weight oh my god did you guys see my little tanya's test score she is amazing oh i got tanya oh my god that little girl is gonna work for nasa nobody's gonna tell her uh no she's not gonna work for nasa we've all known tanya for about four years now and and and we're pretty sure tanya's gonna leave a baby in a dumpster because you guys have dressed her like a tiny hooker since she was two i mean my kids can't stop watching her cause he's obviously a follower pay attention to the game idiot can you do your best parents everyone every parent in this room is doing their best and if you get him to 18 yes you get to kick him out and you never have to see him again i'm sorry i could not laugh yeah they go away for a little while but then 19 and a half you get a phone call from the local police department mr titus we've arrested your son and his girlfriend tanya for drug trafficking what you go to the jail drug trafficking what the hell were you doing idiot oh me and tonya went to mexico she met this guy with a backpack [Applause] right at the front desk filling out paperwork bailing them out the cop goes we know your son's an idiot no we know he's not he didn't do anything wrong we helped him catch the drug dealer though we got to drug to the cousin yeah we impounded his car you should check it out and you glance at an impound and there's your lamborghini from 20 years ago and the cop cause that thing's like 20 years old it's a classic it's worth like 1.2 million dollars now um where do you guys keep the extra guns and can i talk to my kid one more time because i love him so much now granted that's worst case scenario but i have two i have two children uh i stopped at two children because my ex-wife's vagina was busy elsewhere yeah yeah it had a guest list and i wasn't on it there you go you can do that joke all you want but i could say a lot meaner stuff than that instead i chose to use the king's english her vagina was busy elsewhere her wizard sleeve was filled with the wands of other sorcerers yes when i call someone a cheating [ __ ] i'd do it classy be careful who you marry people make good choices when you get married make really really good choices you know yes we also worried about that i found out she was cheating on me i found it on a friday i was in court by tuesday because i'm a knee-jerk person i just i filed for divorce instantly i just i just react because my dad had a good job and he had to move i didn't want to court that tuesday it was like literally four or five days later i wanted divorce because my the switch got flipped you know when your relationship switched i want a divorce and this woman stood up in court and said your honor this man's been beating me for 20 years and beating the children since the day they were born now let's deal with the first one if you let me beat you for 20 years that's not abuse that's a fetish but then she lied again and said i beat my children so i spent every dime i ever made on my television show and i spent every time i made in comedy for six years and i proved after six years that it never happened but to this day you like nine years later she's like can i have the kids next to it i'll bring them home on time no you won't you cheating liar oh my god are you still talking about that that is in the past when are you gonna let that go my answer always is when the jews let it go it's going to be a minute be careful who you marry be careful be careful pick well pick well don't get married fast we'll get married so fast too oh we knew each other 18 months we got married it's gotta be great did you really risk that much did you go to vegas put everything on red too did you wow did you fly southwest of vegas and just really risk it all did you when you landed you to chipotle burrito just [ __ ] go for it if you're gonna win you can't know somebody after two years and two years you can't know anything after two years you know why your brain from the first year's relationship is producing a chemical that's like heroin that's why you feel like that look at your behavior when you first meet somebody and fall in love what do you do you go out you get cheeseburgers you come back you have sex for four hours then you go and get frozen yogurt then you go back and have sex for four hours then you call into work while you're still inside somebody then you go out and have cheeseburgers again that's crackhead behavior that's what that is but nobody tells you that no one doesn't tell you that oh it's gonna be great you know cause after two years because once you're married that heroin feeling doesn't last all day anymore at most at most you get 15 minutes a day and you spend 23 hours and 45 minutes trying to get the nerves why do you think flower shops exist it's expensive dead plants here you go baby oh my god yeah gentlemen every woman in this room knows that fishnet stockings keep nobody warm yeah they do it takes eight years to know somebody and i know a lot of us thinking wow i can't hold the crazy back that long wow dude but you have to you have to because two-year relationship you is not eight-year relationship you two-year relationship you is a gentleman you're in the car with her two-year-old of you get caught up by a psychopath what do you do oh my god look at this silly son of a [ __ ] how goofy is that right well let's go to dairy queen and get a blizzard eight year relationship you same guy cut you off [ __ ] give him a shotgun right now oh my god oh my god what are you doing i'm texting my mom about the wedding no we're still gonna get married i'm just gonna go with a kevlar theme now ladies what are you laughing about two-year relationship you we love two-year relationship you two-year relationship view is amazing you're going to vegas with your buddies well just go have a good time don't eat don't even take your phone what happens in vegas stays in vegas i don't care let's go let's go i love you you love me ain't your relationship you [Applause] where were you you sent me to write eight 27 minutes ago and i said the ones without wings yes pick well man pick well you know people and you're you know it's funny your parents want everyone to get you married everybody wants you to get married that's why people rush into it because you're pushing them oh my god are you gonna make my daughter an honest woman no i prefer the untrustworthy [ __ ] i have now thank you you're going to make my son a real man why are you worried about the yoga pants too if a mother sees you getting along with somebody oh my god you guys are so cute they're gonna get married take the journey oh my god take the journey they never say it's a fun journey and like all journeys you should strap your ass in because if marriage is a journey divorce is a plane crash and if you have kids it lasts till they're 18 years old two people in here tonight that got divorced but never had kids i want you to know something you didn't get divorced you had a long-term booty call with paperwork that's all that was yeah that's all it was sorry was it hard on you to split up the cds was that a [ __ ] for you was it oh my god who's gonna get the matrix box set we need to hire an arbitrator it is not a real divorce until you shred the chi of an innocent mommy said my chi used to be aqua but daddy made it charcoal [Applause] he lives with my first grade teacher now that's a divorce right there [Laughter] i've gotten to a very sick place with comedy i've done this so long now this is my seventh i want you guys to know something so i want you guys to laugh and i'm used to it i've been doing that a long time now i've got to this weird place like a guy who's had way too much sex where i need it a little weird so i'll write a joke there's my when you guys go oh it's not good i have a problem it's not good because a lot of people do that too a lot of people like a lot of people like oh my god i don't like you we got married too fast let's have a kid so we can also destroy the soul of a child you think a child is gonna fix your your relationship you're just you're just strip mining three souls now good job man cause by the way when you have kids that heroin thing like did you cut this with children i don't feel anything at all i'm i'm tired but that's all i got cause once you have a kid that is for real people don't understand that people pop out a kid think it's gonna be fun oh my god no man if you have a kid that's for real once you have a child here's the deal you now own a human being look at it and it does that a lot you have now basically created a totalitarian government in your own home and that little [ __ ] is stalin it wants what it wants it wants it now and you better be moving and then what it does is also your fault and there's no receipt you can't take it back and you have one job as a parent one job don't raise douche bags that's it that's it that's all there is you don't raise douche bags if at the end of 18 years your kid can cook a meal pay a bill and wipe his own ass god bless you people that's all you need can't do anything anyway i'm watching my daughter i can't tell my daughter you're gonna do this you're gonna she's cause she's going off on her own she's gonna do what she's going to do don't raise douche bags because you don't want to be the parent that gets interviewed after the verdict yeah i don't know i just thought he liked trench coats huh no i read his journals i thought they were song lyrics [Laughter] don't raise juice fake so you don't know how hard it is again cool uncle ty is going to help you people don't have kids yet from the second they're born the second they're born all you're doing from the second they're born is downloading life programs into tiny [ __ ] people they're not on the same operating system you're on their download speed sucks ass and there is a ton of error messages from the second the second they're born go to sleep and we tell you take the nip when you're supposed to coffee tables hurt when you run into them full speed stitches hurt going in and coming out then they get older do your homework air do your homework air quit lying air air air air air wipe your ass wipe your ass wipe your ass [Applause] yeah and that wipe your ass download as a parent as a man you're gonna be getting upgrades on that one your whole life as a man your last wipe your ass upgrade will be given to you by your new wife while you're standing in a laundry room i like that joke i like that joke because it humiliates everybody you see couples just and that's all you're doing is downloading programs constantly constantly constantly and the only thing i really enjoyed about having kids i really enjoyed for the first 10 years was for the first 10 years i was the smartest person they knew and that's never happened in my whole life like i had an answer i knew everything they wanted two little beings had to ask me i had an answer even if even if i was wrong they had to believe me because i control the food in the shelter you don't think i'm right how could you go stay on the side and figure it out how about that leave the jacket i paid for that for 10 years i knew everything i was a genius i also got to run them if i had a bad day i could do you do what i tell you to do because i'm your father blah blah i had to run him i was the dictator of the house i got to be the hitler of my own home and i got to be honest sometimes kind of fun to be hitler only me and hitler have ever said that but you are you get to be a dad you get to be hitler if you don't clean your room go to bed when i tell you empty the dishwasher invade poland let's do this and if they're really bad you're gonna lock em in the room like hitler did for a little while you will stay in there once you will give me the information i am requesting and you will stop lying and if you do that and tell me the truth maybe only maybe [Music] you can have a [ __ ] cookie pretty scary voice coming out of this mug does that really well and then they get older that's the problem when they get older they start asking you for upgrades that you don't have and that's what i didn't like at all 10 11 12 13. my son started about 10. we're driving home one day and he goes hey dad how do rockets work you know i'm going to san diego to tell jokes about you right like that's what i do i'm not taking a rocket google it it has two k's that's all i know shut up i know it doesn't have two k's it's good and my daughter totally screwed me up bad about that just when i stopped letting them ask me questions anymore i was like we're done talking we were home one day she's 13 at the times last year we're watching it it was the tv was on and uh and i have a podcast and we talk about the world autism so i watch a lot of news and i want to see what's going on in the world and we're watching it we're sitting there and uh the ferguson thing was on you know oh sorry no sorry it was the baltimore thing the baltimore thing was on wait no no it was a north carolina thing where that guy no sorry sorry it was the new jersey thing where they no sorry it was a florida wait no it's a louisiana no that was this week um all i remember is some black people were getting soul raped by bullets that's all i remember [Applause] yeah this bit's going to be uncomfortable [Applause] and i'm making them watch the news i'm just making them watch it you know and they want to watch spongebob because they're so civic minded i'm like going shut up we're watching this stop it we're watching this because i believe you need scars to survive this world you know your parents are raising shiny kids oh my god we block his internet if it has the word sexton he can't access it even it's got an s we don't let him get to that oh he's got two channels he got pbs and pbs latino uno dos tres he loves burton ernesto so yeah you know by the way those kids those kids you're raising they're going to be shiny they're going to be great kids high self-esteem not afraid of anything probably get scholarships to ivy league universities and then at 18 you're going to send them off into the world and they're going to get hit by a bus because you didn't teach them the world is dangerous you need stars you need stars scare them a little bit my dad did not have a child worship thing at all i went where he went and i better shut the hell up about it when i was six years old he took me with his date to a drive-in movie theater to see a clint eastwood dirty harry movie called magnum force yeah i was wearing feety pajamas and in the first three minutes of this movie a dude in a cop uniform a guy i've been taught to trust my whole life kicks in the door and shoots two people have a naked bushy 70s sex the dude falls off the bed the woman turns full boob shot i went through puberty at six then he shoots her in the boobs and now i gotta buy weird magazines the rest of my life then then she falls out a window and bleeds out into a pool i went to that movie six years old i came out smoking yeah that was a nice piece of cinnamon daddy i enjoyed those i do have to say that although clint eastwood's anti-hero is violent it's just a reflection of society now i'd like to go home and burn my dr seuss books because there is no god i'm gonna be seven in a couple months i was done with whimsy anyway it's not the worst one my mom was mentally ill in and out of medicine mental institutions my whole life so between ages when i was eight and 12 she was out for a while at nine years old we go to the driving movie theater just me and my mom and we see a movie called one flew over the cuckoo's nest yeah i think for mom it was a research trip of some sort and i'm just a kid watching them i'm just sitting there watching the movements to see where nicholson's getting shocked treat me like and i look over my mom is sobbing and i go mom what's the matter she goes that's what they did to me did you get to meet jack nicholson so we're watching the ferguson thing and it's going off man it's just going off and people are screaming and burn buildings are burning cops are shooting bullets and people is crazy and watching and i feel like i'm doing the right thing as a parent i feel like you know what they're seeing the world as it is well you know good they need to see it so they know what the world is like all right good i'm just sitting there not thinking anything and my daughter looks up and goes dad why are black people so angry what channel is spongebob on because it should be illegal to ask me that question do you see what color that is you can only find that at a napkin factory i wanted to turn to my kids and go guys we can't talk about this we're almost clear but i don't want to be that parent man i don't want to pull the rip cord so many parents just pull the rip cord you know you know it is like especially now oh mommy's going to take his next you got to go play video games we can't talk about that or that other show man beyond scared straight what a crap show that is you know pissed me off at that show every parent is the victim in that show justin was going to school and he wasn't doing what he said he was getting s and d's and he was selling drugs he was beating up people and he's just horrible so i think the best course of action is to send him to a maximum security prison so rapists and murderers can teach him cause i suck that bad as a parent listen listen if your kid ended up on beyond scared straight you [ __ ] up and you know you have no excuse because there's sporting good stores all over the place and they're full of baseball bats [Applause] [Music] as my dad said sometimes respect comes from louisville [Applause] that joke's gonna be in court with my ex-wife trust me so i don't know what to say man i'm like and i don't want to do that parent i want to i want to do my best so she asked me and she's looking at me and the riot's going on and i just like i like i'm going to chuck jaeger this all right honey all right why are black people angry well let me tell you black people are angry because but black people black black people they're they're angry because of people like your father let's just be honest because because this exact face has been the face of the white devil for about 500 years now i guarantee you honey you could open a history book and find this face on a sepia tone daguerreotype of a guy standing in front of a cotton field being photobombed by three guys hanging from an oak tree i'm pretty sure [Applause] yeah yeah read a history book it sucks but then and then she asked me about slavery but she doesn't ask me she knows about the history of slavery i got that she goes dad can you explain to me the concept of slavery like spongebob is one channel away right there one button i mean ask me something that's easy to talk about that's not gonna freak me out butt sex i'll tell you about that if y'all go something horrible really [Applause] all right the concept of slave okay oh god okay here's the concept of slavery uh uh this person who's black because their skin has too much melanin in it and this person is white who if they go outside for 40 minutes turns into a pot pie that's the difference and because of that this person gets to own this person and this person has to do everything this person says because if they don't the job benefits include whipping raping and selling off your family which is the worst high school job fair ever i wouldn't even fill out that application unless there was good health care and and again and she's just as uncomfortable as you guys are and i get out by going and lincoln freed the slaves and she goes so it was all cool after that yeah kind of like israel and palestine is alcohol she goes what's going on in israel palestine can we just watch spongebob play and i realize and you do this as a parent's home you realize oh i'm digging a hole right now i've driven a backhoe in and i'm just digging a hole of stupidity right now and i know if i keep talking i'm gonna be sitting across from a principal in a couple of weeks mr titus did you have a long talk with your daughter about black people and slavery cause there was a riot on thursday and your daughter organized it no she did not what side was she she wasn't doing this was she no no we have one of her picket signs right here it says we're all pink on the inside like salmon did you tell her that [Applause] yeah i pulled the ripcord pretty much on that one yeah so i did something creepy to my daughter in the middle of this conversation that my dad used to do to me whenever i asked my dad something he didn't want to talk about he would just go why the hell you want to know and i was so scared of my dad i don't i'm good i don't need to know anything i'm fine i'm probably going to be a stand-up comedian anyway i'm just going to go over here learn to hit on waitresses and write some fart jokes that's what i'm going to do now but i didn't raise my daughter like that and i but i did it i go why do you want to know and she's not scared of me she goes oh i want to understand the black kid at my school the black kid you have one black kitty little private school she goes yeah her name's sarah she's in sixth grade she's pretty cool i just want to understand what her people went through uh well i can tell you black people are angry because you have one black kid at your little private school yeah that's probably in the top five and i realize i'm not getting out of this man and i got to do it and sometimes the parent you just got to dive in i was like all right hon all right imagine this imagine living in your own country everybody's the same and a bunch of boats show up and a bunch of people who are a photo negative of you get out i did my best and you wave to them from the shore and they shoot a bunch of you and then they put you in a boat and take you thousands of miles across the ocean and you weren't riding on the lido deck there was no shuffleboard on the amistad now you're in another country you've never been over hundreds of years and you're slaves for hundreds and hundreds of years and then one day you were freed but you weren't freed because people had insight to the human condition you weren't free because someone said my landmark beth i woke up on the plantation this morning then i i just realized that one man should not own another you you tell rastus and jolene to meet me in the kitchen i'm gonna write them a check and make them some chocolate chip waffles [Applause] sadly honey slavery did not end with chocolate chip waffles in fact some people wanted their slaves so bad they were willing to die for them and go to war i almost split a country in two you know and then once they were free they never got paid and my daughter just goes what they never got paid i said no they were promised to get paid but they never did my daughter who was raised in way too much privilege says well why didn't you hire a lawyer and file a class action shoot [Applause] wow one semester at compton junior high would have taken care of all of this i said they couldn't file with attorneys because they had to follow the slave laws my daughter goes do you dead you said they were freed there was no slave laws that said i know they had these things called slave laws and then when they got freed they didn't change the laws they changed the name to black laws it's like now when you say warmonger you mean republican and when you say democrat you mean [ __ ] i like that see that see how i lost you all and then got you all back she said she asked she goes after those laws went away it was all it was all cool right i said yeah after those laws went away things got a lot better you know i mean except for the hard stuff like you know drinking out of this same water mountain or riding in the front of a bus or using a toilet that a white butter touched eating in a restaurant with me playing sports with my food marion oh my god it's never gonna get better is it and my daughter sees me flailing i got nowhere to go it's not better as we saw what's happening right now and and i start to flail and my daughter saves my ass my guy loves my kid she just goes but martin luther king made it better and i went yes yes yes martin luther king he didn't make it better he was an amazing leader and we marched together and we knew we were all the same yes martin luther king was incredible and she goes what happened to martha the king god damn it ah yes assassinated by a white guy my little girl who never heard it like this it's weird we spent an hour and a half talking and i pay for a school she should know all of this but i guess the school i sent her to all the textbooks were written in texas i mean because all i could imagine it says is slavery was bad lincoln freed the slaves good job white guy and she goes is that how it really went down i said pretty much babe i'm the best best i could tell you she goes oh my god dad that's horrible and my little girl starts to cry she never heard it like this before yeah and i go it's okay honey she goes no it's not okay dad this is not okay at all that's how black people have been trained for 500 years that's horrible and that means that one day they're gonna kill us [Applause] um did they teach you what we did to the indians at your little private school there no what are we doing we had thanksgiving dinner with them and and and then we cleaned up the dishes together and then the indians dealt blackjack and i pulled the ripcord hard man best spongebob marathon i have ever seen in my life told you it was going to get uncomfortable i didn't write the show to make fun of your kids or my kids by the way i wrote this show to make fun of all of us because everybody in this room right now is one of these little douche bags i'm talking about at one point you were so i'm gonna give you a gift tonight that i can't use anymore cause both my parents are gone but if your parents are still around tomorrow morning i want you to get up and i want you to call them and we say hey mom hey dad how you guys doing by the way do you need any help with anything no they're gonna say what's wrong how much money do you need that was really giving up too much honesty bro and i always say no i'm good actually i called someone to ask you something mom and dad i want you to tell me the story of the worst stupidest thing i ever did when i was a kid or you can tell them something they don't know that you did that's what i thought and then you're going to let them talk and you're going to listen so you stop listening to our parents at one point listen to them you know because i if i could i would love to listen to my parents and i can't anymore and listen to them let them tell you the story the stupidest thing you did it'll surprise you because you'll think something that wasn't that bad is horrible to them and and if they're laughing while you're telling you that story you get to laugh with them if they're still pissed you shut up no excuses and you let them talk and then when they're done i want you to apologize to them because no matter what you think of your parents no matter how good or bad they raised you if they didn't send you to college if they were abusive they were alcoholics doesn't matter because at the end of the day your parents gave you the greatest gift they gave you life and you ruined theirs ruined it i know you don't believe that but it's [ __ ] true they had dreams and then you were born that's all they had dreams well thank you little bastard [Applause] i didn't get it i didn't get it to be compared you know if you've seen my comedy in the past i have not been very nice to my father i have said some horrible i have basically said my father was abusive but i've now had kids and they're both over 10 years old and i realized my father wasn't abusive he was trying not to murder me if you're abusive you're kicking someone down the stairs you're punching him you're burning with a cigarette my dad didn't do that he when i did something stupid he would just come over to me and you just go ah mother oh my god you [ __ ] i've got him you know i used to think my dad was angry because he drank no he drank because he was angry he swore to the day he died that when i was uh 22 years old i tried to kill him you used to tell everybody you should tell everybody well i was successful i had a tv show i missed chatting your son's really doing well he's got his own television show he's done comedy specials you got to be really proud yeah it would be proud but dumbass tried to kill me when he's 22. thanks dad that's a network president that's not helpful what happened was well when i was 17 and half my dad and i should get in fist fights we would brawl it was bad and i got my ass handed to me pretty much all the time so at 79 i moved out i said i'm moving to san francisco i'm gonna become a stand-up comedian and i'm gonna be the best comedian ever and i'm gonna stuff it up your [ __ ] man and i moved to san francisco and i worked for 18 months four shows a night wrote till 4 a.m in the morning yeah and after 18 minutes ha ha i had to move back to my dad's house cause it hadn't gone how i had thought and i went to my plan b which is working at kentucky fried chicken and if the humidity is right you can still smell it on me and i was a closer and i drive home every night my little pos i drive it home and and and after about two months this guy had parked his 56 chevy on his lawn on my route home is set for sale 1800 bucks and i stopped the car every night and i would just stand across staring at it [Applause] and i fell in love with the car i had to have it it was a mistake it was that first guy love car thing and i just and i had to have it so i saved it for three months and i get enough money i said dad i'm gonna go buy this car he said the hell you are i said i'm over 18 now you can suck it old man with respect because he controlled the food in the shelter though and my dad said something he'd never said to me before he said let me go with you i've made more mistakes in my life than you have let me help you buy the car so you don't get ripped off and i was 18 and my first thought was whoa i'm so suspicious but i had to admit my dad was a great salesman he was a great salesman he got married six times he was a great salesman i still don't know how he got number six to go i'm a unicorn so we go to this guy's house go to this guy's house and we get out of the car and i'm just all amped up because with my dad you know i'm feeling like [ __ ] and i got how you doing we came to look at the car brought my dad he knows karate like i don't know what i'm saying and my dad just goes shut up idiot i'm not letting you sell my son this piece of crap dad are we gonna beat him and take it what are we doing shut up and he starts walking around the car he just starts tearing it apart bumpers are twisted rims don't match oh my god the poster done by a blind mexican in tijuana dad is this a technique why are we making fun of handicapped hispanic people now what are we doing i told you to shut up i'll give you a thousand bucks for the car that's it take it or leave it and i'm just waiting for this guy he's being so aggressive just i want this guy just just please punch my dad in the throat go ahead and instead the guy just goes hold on and he walks in his house what we heard next the next two minutes was like a radio cartoon my guy walks in and we just hear this and then a pan bangs off the front window and i'm 18. so the look on my face my dad this is how it goes and he downloaded another program and the guy walks back out and when the guy hit the door it looked like someone injected him with three decades okay i'll take a thousand and i thought i love my dad and i remember it clearly because the first time i thought it and we're driving home and he was right the car was horrible horrible but i'm like i can't believe you got his car i can't believe dad you saved me and her bucks i saved you 600 bucks no dad 1800 mice 1 is 800. i'm keeping 200 bucks for negotiating the deal and he downloaded yet another program and he was right about this car he was so right about it it was horrible the car was the steering wheel was vaguely connected to something like it you'd spin it and it was like the car had broken a hip it was going [Music] but if you hit the brakes it made a hard left because because the left front brake was the only one that operated remember that first car you had guys a horrible one man but you bought a fire extinguisher mounted inside so it looks so high performance but also because you really needed a fire extinguisher because you've done some wiring by yourself now when you hit the blinker the windshield wiper started up and you left it like that so you didn't screw something else up you're like no it works watch i'm going that way i'm going that way going that way yeah spent all that money on that stereo that really nice stereo but you couldn't figure out how to mount it so it just sat on the passenger seat for three months wire snaking out of the dash ran out of electrical tape to use clear tape which was a bonus because then on friday night when you hang out your buddies you could roll joints to the sparks coming off the dash i my dad had a client that gave him this big spool of red wire i rewired the entire car with one color of wire shut up guys who know what i'm talking about i it was it was perfect power ground power ground power grass perfect and then when i turned the key on it went and thank god i had a fire extinguisher so i spent four years working on this car and i've changed i fixed everything because i broke everything in the car i ruined it from the rear end to the train everything i had to fix everything a suspension i broke everything in this car but after 22 it was badass lower down motor brand new motor new [ __ ] was great burn tire it was like 360 460 horsepower was badass but the dumbest car for a comedian because i got to drive to these one-nighters all over california and every dime is going to gas because the carburetor was a toilet bowl basically and i was in northern california where we lived and i had to get down here to la to do a gig one-nighter and i had just enough money for gas and the car uh the ballast register in the car had gone bad the ballast wrister basically it's the thing that takes the battery voltage and lowers it so it goes under distributor it doesn't burn the point cardinals were good no more [Applause] and i couldn't afford the part i wouldn't have made the gas money in my dad's boat it was january my boat was parked on the side of his house and as i learned earlier in life and ain't stealing if they ain't using it be careful what you download so i took the bowser to put on the car made it to la woo and i don't think about it again for six months and and then it was brought to my attention it's now june my dad uh had got rid of stepmom number five was looking for number six uh playing the field and he was gonna take her out in this boat and he backed his boat out and and you know he'd wash it up and it won't start so he took the gas out put fresh gas and it wouldn't start now it's a hot california day he's got a 12 pack of beer uh that he's drinking or snack pack a beer that he's drinking and he's just working in the hot sun he's getting angry angry he takes the sparklers that won't fix it he takes a distributor out checks all the wiring on the top can't fix it changes the coil and he's going back and forth to the parts store this goes on for four and a half hours and finally gets pissed and he starts tracing the wiring harness he finds two wires just hanging out in space and i know what he did he started spaz mumbling like that he was son of a [ __ ] he's a grown man now i cannot believe he just i'm gonna find a drill and cordless i'm gonna put it through his skull and you know what it's not child abuse now now it's manslaughter yeah maybe i'll run cell block d you killed your own kid you can run the prison sir and he got angrier and angrier and angrier and angrier and my dad uh didn't do a whole lot of cardio and his heart went in union and took a break he had a heart attack they called me and they said at our attack i said oh my god he had a heart attack it's a mild heart attack that's what they told me shall i bring yogurt then well it's a mild heart attack and i was 200 miles away in fresno just like tonight i was just doing a show i get off stage the the club manager's got the phone out like this and he goes take the phone and i go wait take a phone i take it it's my fifth stepmother and this is how the conversation goes i go hello she says you killed your father i have been here the whole night no i understand why i'm a suspect but i have witnesses then she says did you take something off his boat oh and i check how far mexico is and i don't have the gas money so i get it the next one i drive to the hospital i walk into icu my dad is is hooked to machines he's gray it's weird man he's gray and it's as a father and sons it's there's a weird thing like mothers and daughters and and i walked in and i'm just looking at him he's crying he's hit the machines and he looks weak and you got to remember he's my hitler you know and i go dad this is horrible oh my god i can't believe this what did this feel like he says it felt like somebody parked a garbage truck on my chest i couldn't feel anything i couldn't move it was horrible i said dad you've been smoking and drinking for 40 years you know i mean you start the morning with pork rinds i think maybe it's time and before i get the next brother he goes how's your [ __ ] car running that's how angry children will make you he was hooked to machines he was about to go into the light to meet jesus and he went hold on jesus let me deal with [ __ ] first okay that's how i am i don't thank you i don't want the show to scare anybody the show uh i've had pregnant women leave the show thanks [ __ ] that's great thank [Applause] you don't let the show scare you because if you do your job as a parent keep downloading programs don't raise douche bags you'll be fine it takes a while i didn't realize i was doing okay till my daughter turned 13 she graduated eighth grade and they had a ceremony cause they all get ceremonies now oh for everything oh my god from the time she was always he had a preschool ceremony kindergarten ceremony sixth grade there my eighth grade because they're all so special thomas you're gonna be the best roofer ever yes you are you need a ceremony that's right ethan you're gonna put those cones on the freeway like nobody's business didn't get you off margie you are gonna be the best strip exotic dancer ever that would yeah they're all really special okay she's gonna have they have the eighth grade graduation ceremony uh so we're gonna go now i have to set this story up everyone in this room has a psychotic relative that lives too close to them and the problem with that is you have to invite them to thanksgiving and christmas because if you don't they may drive by noticed they weren't invited and then there's going to be a drive-by in my family it's my aunt she's 63. uh she's my mother's sister my mom was crazy used to hear voices my aunt also hears voices but she calls them her guides and her guides predict the future that has never happened ever five years ago she sat down at the dinner table with us and said this we're just seeing dinner she goes my guides told me i'm gonna die in august well tick-tock she also doesn't have a job cause i ain't paying obama's taxes but she's willing to live off ours uh i will say this you know she's also got some great skills i told her i said you're a great cook go to work at a bakery under the table for cash it'll be phenomenal because i can't have a stand tool on my back hurts i said i got a buddy works at hulu you can actually do like tech support in the morning ah if i sit too long my back hurts well that leaves hooker and at 63 you're not really a first-round draft pick [Applause] now don't get me wrong i love her to that she's my aunt she's been asking to be in my show for a long time there you go now something else has happened in my life i uh i got married again uh for a second time because love is possible you just got to get rid of your first wife or or first husband depending on the sexual organ either way so uh uh and i am she's amazing and she and and my kids i have them 50 50. so my ex has them half the time and at half the time me and my new wife were living the lamborghini life we were going to concerts and partying and going to have resorts it was amazing and then her mom got sick and moved in with us and and that's good too her mom is also 63 but her mom and men are different people her mother's got a master's master's degree in fine arts she's an amazing artist she was running a department at an american university and she's she's hardcore or she's she's pretty hardcore her and i argue sometimes and she always she's always right i don't mean she thinks she's ours i mean i go look it up and [ __ ] she's right it's it's annoying it's really annoying and her and my aunt don't really get along it's they don't play gin together it's like it's imagine how i imagine charlie sheen and gandhi would get along winning no you're not winning today so her mom is sick and i call my aunt and i go hey now we're back to the story hey would you do us a favor uh my kids go to a christian school would you reserve a seats in the chapel for the eighth grade graduation ceremony man says she would and uh we go so we show up at the ceremony my aunt has saved us seats for my daughter's graduation directly behind my ex-wife we don't get along very well we hate each other's guts and she hates my new wife my new wife loves that and then and then my wife's mother and my aunt have this weird thing if the church knew how much evil was in that little area like the jesus on the cross was like does anyone see what's going on over there right there oh my why hast thou forsaken me again so we just sit down and i'm just grumbling and they start the ceremony here's how the ceremony starts for the eighth grade graduation pastor gets up and goes you know tonight i want to talk about mothers because mothers are the most amazing thing in the world mothers give birth they give life and then through love and nurturing raise these amazing young adults behind me without mothers we have no earth without mothers we have no species now in my head i'm thinking so i guess father's what fill the car with gas and wash it is that our gig but you can't heckle in a church only got to tell me once [Applause] so it continues like that for a while mothers mothers mothers and then they say we now like other mothers to please stand well my new wife has raised my daughter half the time for nine years so she stood up and my ex-wife stood up right in front of her and i went and i can feel the tumor starting and my aunt goes oh my god it's the mom and the evil stepmother it's the mom and the evil stepmother it's the mom of the evil stepmother and her mother who's on chemo goes say it one more time i look up jesus is weeping they then say we were now are going to give each child a yellow rose to walk out to their mother jesus got out of pry bar [Music] [Applause] i'm not doing this nope nope and they start handing roses to children and they're going down the center aisle and here's the scene church music church lighting and mother's weeping it was beautiful and then i realized oh that's why they didn't bring up fathers dad here's the yellow rose shut up and sit down tomorrow we're getting you some yoga pants cup so the kids are walking the roses out and it just it's just mother's weeping and it's beautiful my daughter gets up to her turn the pastor holds out the rose and my daughter doesn't take it and i thought well let's see where this goes now while my ex and manuela were standing there i have a moment to compare and contrast my new wife is 13 years younger than my ex-wife i think i think that's a win in my column uh my ex-wife didn't even go to college my new wife has two college degrees uh doesn't use him and is still paying for him i think that's a win in my ex-wise column and they're different you know my new wife is uh she's very beautiful she's very tall she's smart she's funny she loves me more than anybody ever has and she's she's tall about this tall and my ex-wife is closer to hell anyway that's how i say shorter anyway so we're all just watching my daughter like what's gonna happen here and we see my daughter of all the patches on that rose she just mouths i have two moms yeah california you think they would have thought about that i need another rose and the pastor kind of shakes the rules angry and the kids behind everything stopped the kids are like and my daughter go my daughter just stands her ground and goes i have two moms i need another route and the fact we hear the pastor go we don't have any excellence dang it and there's this beat and then my daughter looks him right in the eye snatches the rose holds it up and rips it in half [Applause] she walks down the center steps man and i know what everybody was thinking in the church oh well there's the tightest kid wow wow who had their money on rips the rose in half and as my daughter is walking down now she's snapping the stem she takes half the petals and rips them off takes the other half rips them off she walks up and hands with two moms this destroyed rose and i hugged them and i thought my god in an impossible situation in front of a live audience this kid had the had the like the the calm the courage uh and the love to make sure no one got their feelings hurt or i have raised the biggest a-hole who just wanted to make a point about the shitty divorce we put her through like by the way this rose it's a metaphor it's me snap there you go you're happy now i want you to know that everybody in this area just bought my futures therapist a ski boat suck it now i hope that's not it but i'd be okay with that too now that's a great story now if you have a kid you think my kid would never be that cool my kid will never have that kind of insight or calm you're wrong just keep doing your job because this that that was a girl that's 13. at 11 my daughter's the same kid that got the cops called on me i'm not saying they didn't need to be called i'm just saying she made it happen now i have my kids 50 50. which means my ex has them for a week and i have them for weeks so max has seven days to poison their minds and make them hate me and then i have seven days to do absolutely nothing your honor but i will admit this my ex-wife and i are infants we're immature idiots we can't get along at all we can't we can't even drop the kids up at each other's houses the court has said that we fight so bad that the only way we get the kids is go to mcdonald's and have a hostage transfer it's like getting your kids out of north korea every monday i pull up on the south side of the parking lot she pulls up on the north side i stand in front of my car she puts the kids in front of her car then i got to hold up the child support check she sends my son over cause she doesn't think he's smart enough to try to escape i think he's a double agent frankly he walks back she checks the amount and the kids clasp hands and slowly make their way across the mickey dmz you smart boy so i showed up one morning at the drop and as i get out of the car my daughter's already out of her mom's car yelling at me she and i get out and i go what she goes i'm not going here today dad mom's been crying all week and she said that if she hit my leave she's gonna go crazy and she doesn't know so i can't leave because she's upset so i'm not going with you and i learned something with kids early on don't yell at him can't yell at him if it worked i would do it all day long but it doesn't and if you yell too much eventually they get your frequency and all of them ends have this weird internal bose noise canceling system and once they get your yell frequency it's over to them you just sound like a yamaha way in the distance i told you kids to turn this television off and clean your rooms i have stood in front of my children and realized wow they're watching television through me right now so as a parent you need to develop a second voice i call it the your dead voice there's a lot of dads in here that i'm talking about it's a voice you only use once in a while only have a big life lesson a big life download that's what you got to use it for uh first time i use it on my son uh he was seven my voice is a combination of barry white clint eastwood and darth vader thank you and we caught him lying and he was at the age where he thought he invented lying turns out if you don't tell him what really happened you could get away with anything it's an idiot and we had him it was like csi here's the blood spatter here's the fingerprints here he's like nope i didn't do it and i lost it i just went did you lie to me oh i'm gonna ask you one more time did you lie to your father did you he came off the ground it was great his leg shut out i know he pooped himself a little bit i can't prove it because he was wearing two pairs of underwear but i suspect so my daughter's standing in the middle of mcdonald's parking lot screaming at me and i just went get in the car she goes no but her body started moving that's when you know got the voice right when you override their nervous system that's the voice she goes i'm not getting in the car oh she's in the car my son's been in the car three minutes [Applause] and now my ex-wife says something horrible to me i say something horrible back we get in the car i'm like god this is so stupid two adults can't even get this handled and i'm grumbling to myself and i go to start my car and my daughter gets her facilities back and goes i'm not going with you i told you dad and she gets out of the car and i had enough i pick up the phone on down 9-1-1 because lapd has so much free time 9-1-1 emergency what's your emergency uh yeah we're having a custody situation over here at the mcdonald's on ventura in sherman oaks and here's what i know i've gone too far i hear the 911 operator go sir are the children in any danger uh yeah they're with a [ __ ] in my opinion and again you just hear all right sir i will send a unit in two uniforms yeah make sure there's people in those uniforms thank you just an idiot now my daughter's been standing by the door listening on the bluetooth in my car and she realized it's getting serious she gets back in the car find out i'll go with you we start driving the house and i'm just so by the time i get the house i'm at an 11. i'm so pissed off and and i walk and i grab her backpack and i put in front of bed and i go you're grounded that's it get in your room right now my new wife is standing right there my new wife who's never had children and she married me so she's living the nightmare you people in here tonight that decided to marry into someone else's horribly broken destructive divorced family i want you to know something you are heroes yes yes yeah and i mean that in a special olympics kind of way cause you're obviously very sweet and loving not that smart yet you all deserve medals yes you do yes you do so she sees me flipping out and she goes what's the matter here's what i said i went oh this you in it and she got a knife i can't ah and i just walked away i was so pissed i couldn't speak english and i walk into the kitchen i'm just mad oh give me a second and i opened the cupboard i grabbed the first glass that was there it was just this weird round stemless wine glass and i grabbed some pomegranate juice and i filled it up i started juicing ah because kids give you tumors and i put it in i put it back i close the door and i start walking back to my new oven like you won't believe what just happened i get out of the car she's like okay good your mom's behind her just shoveling crap on top of her and as i get to my new wife we hear and i go to the people and there's two lapd officers standing outside and they're standing like cops stand when they want you to know that they're cops what are you a human puffer fish what are you doing i just can't wait for one to go okay [Applause] so i open the door and it gets real serious real fast i go yeah he goes mr titus i'll give you a step back right now where is your daughter we're told you're abusing your daughter where is your daughter i look behind them and sitting in the back seat of the cop car in front of my house is my ex-wife which is not the last time my ex-wife's gonna be in the back of a cop car i'm working on that now i go what's this about he goes where is your daughter right now and i don't realize it but i'm standing in front of the cops holding a wine glass full of red liquid to the top and it's noon because nothing says abusive father more than a little side of raging alcoholic and they go can we tell he goes right now where is she i go she's in her room right now i'm starting to get shaky she's right there go talk to her she's right there [ __ ] you stand right here and the cops go to the door they look back at my new wife and they go did you go on with us because even the lapd is afraid of an 11 year old [Applause] and they walk in and they disappear for like seven minutes and be cool to your kids don't be the parent that causes the psycho because you want to make sure that because schmidt daughter if she wanted to she could have sold me down the river she's she made up some live but she didn't she said no dad just picked me up mom got me amped up it's my fault i flipped out so cops come back out but they're still roosted up on me and it goes everything okay no it is not okay where's your son we're told you're abusing your son also and here's my problem that's fair here's one of my problems i was raised in a lot of stress my mom was mentally ill i used to go visit her in mental institutions when i was a little kid uh my dad got divorced six times three of them before i was 10. so at one point right and raised with my dad there was so much alimony going out food got a little bit rare but my father never let on unlike today where everyone's depressed i have depression my dad never let once at one point my my dad said i've cleaned this out we said a red or rubber raft for a couch and all my dad did was do his cracking jokes hey we're gonna sleep in the titanic tonight never stop being funny no matter how weird i knew i was a kid i knew it was weird you know because i had friends who had others pit do you guys have [ __ ] but he never let on that it was weird and i love him for that you know he never was weird so as a child i learned very early that in a high pressure high stress situation you're supposed to be funny [Applause] but sometimes the lapd doesn't get it but this will sound like a joke this is what i actually said i turn and i go son get out here i want you to tell the cops how often i beat you not realizing oh wow i just gave them testimony that's amazing and the cops don't smile at all but my son thank god for my son my son knows me so my son walks out and goes okay dad i'll tell him yeah the older cop goes why doesn't he have pants on we've been home nine minutes what are you doing i was getting ready to go play soccer why did you stop that i started watching trick videos on youtube really in the middle of changing clothes you got sidetracked do you know what makes me cr could you please put on some pants he is such a scamp is he not the son disappears comes back to some shorts on walks in the room with the cops and right before the door closed i hear it what is that smell click and i don't know what my son said to the cops i thought it was in there a while she was in like seven minutes it was tense my son was in there less than a minute i don't know what happened uh all i can guess is they went what'd your dad do dad's cool and the cops were like cops come back out and they're not mad at me anymore they're pissed now but different it's different and the young guy walks right up to me gets this close to me and he goes mr titus i want you to know something if that was my ex-wife i'd be drinking this early too thank you guys so thank much guys phenomenal you guys were amazing thank you thank you guys so much see you guys again thank you very much hi guys [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: christophertitustv

Views: 3,012,288

Rating: 4.7399383 out of 5

Keywords: Christopher Titus, Standup Comedy, Stand-up, Stand-up Special, Titus, Born With A Defect

Id: HhQb3BX4Rik

Length: 107min 29sec (6449 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 13 2020