When To Fear Your Wife. Steve Bruner - Full Special

you would think being an expert with a rifle might have come up I'm happily married I like my wife that's very cool and I love my wife that's even better better and I'm afraid of my wife that is like because we were raised yeah we were raised completely different we are we are the example of opposites attracting like I was born and raised in California I have one older sibling just one my wife was born and raised in Tennessee she is the youngest girl of 10 yeah because parts of Tennessee they don't have cable so we've been dating like about 10 months we fell in love we got engaged about a year and it's time to meet the whole family and she can meet my family pretty much in a booth at Denny's pretty much where we it happened but we have to fly back to Tennessee there's a lot of people they'd have their own families so we're flying back and I said hey what are we gonna do we're only here for three days how are we gonna meet it how many houses is that a day that's gonna be in a little awkward just taking hands and then going and giono on Saturday I invited everybody hunting I said oh that's not awkward I've never been hunting and she goes oh that's okay it's the south everybody's gonna bring a guest gun okay and so we all show I'm we're showing up I mean 38 of her family members Rossa everybody is wearing orange cuz a pair and I have a gun and and I'm holding it you know up the business end is not pointing at anybody you know cuz the big goal of the day not shoot anybody that's wearing orange that's my goal anyway and we're in a big meadow and we're gonna walk through the meadow into the woods and we're gonna shoot stuff that's not wearing orange they didn't get the memo and then all of a sudden as we're about to start a bunny runs the guy I'm not gonna call him a bunny that's too cute for the story a rabbit makes the really bad choice of running across a meadow that is filled with 39 people with guns of which 38 know how to use them and my wife sees it first and stepped up and yells mine and I'm like Oh hundred yards away kills that rabbit dead one shot yeah right I'm telling you and if you're gonna kill some killing it dead that's the way to do it and I am like oh okay we had been dating a year you would think being an expert with a rifle might have come up like when I was bragging about being pretty good at ping pong she might have just slipped in I could shoot a rabbit from a hundred yards with one shot then I find out so I'm super impressed and she's what she does uh you know the family rule and she walks out now I got address it and I'm like oh and I'm sticking with her because I don't know how the teams are gonna divide but I want to be on her team anything goes wrong I'm with her and I'm like oh hey I don't know anything about this and let me just say dressing rabbit not like dressing a Barbie so she just whips out this big ol knife went out of nowhere I'm AG little terrified you know and she starts skinning the rabbit and I'm like and she looked up she oh honey I'm sorry did you want to keep the feet they're supposed to be good luck here's it they weren't for the rabbit [Applause] and he has four of them well that superstition is as dead as a rabbit to me so I found out in a five-minute period of time that my wife not only is an expert with a rifle but that she knows how to skin a rabbit and I tell you this big long story about meeting my in-laws to completely illustrate why I only ever asked for one key oh and a good day for comedy you picked a good one I gotta tell you I don't know if anybody saw in the paper today that a guy caught a fish they thought was extinct and now they're sure all I had to do is write that down you gotta love that great job being a comedian I know there are tough jobs out there I saw a Western not too long ago one of these things where the cavalry comes in to save the day I realized one of the hardest jobs in the entire world had to be the bugler in the cavalry he led every single charge into bet if there's anything you don't want to be it's a target that makes a lot of noise he just leading his friends right into the fray playing a Zilla tune did to do did to do what were the words this on dit I'm over here without a gun shoot me first before I run tough jobs are everywhere believe me I think that'd be tough job to be airline pilot probably every single airline pilot especially the people I flew in on I think was American Airlines they had the worst slogan I've ever heard it's American Airlines we go that extra mile I don't wanna be sitting in the middle of a wheat field somewhere hey hey hey I think the airport's back you mister BYE MOM I don't mean to whine but that is a serious hike the baggage claim I'm gonna have to take Southwest from here to there I better get a frequent Walker mile for this totally Lao yeah it's only like a two-hour flight I think from LA to Salt Lake City it's not the length of time really that ever bothers me what always bothers me is no matter what flight you're on the pilot will not stop talking anybody care how high they fly oh but ten minutes every flight you ever been on always hear the same an outfit gentlemen is your captain speaking we've reached cruising altitude of 35,000 feet who cares as long as we're above zero the definition of light that's all we really need I think if he's gonna say something it should have to be by law exciting the most exciting thing you've ever heard in your gentlemen is your captain speaking we're not cleared for takeoff but we're going for it anyway or a 747 their dc-10 I think we can take them let's get there early for a change make it exciting that we've reached cruising altitude of 35,000 feet that's not very exciting make it exciting we've reached cruising altitude of 12 feet we're gonna scare those kids on that bus wave to them who's got a basketball I want to dunk I should not complain about this fight got bumped up to first class it was just amazing I did I don't know maybe you people fly first-class all the time I don't I filled out a little form and there's a little survey that bumped me up to first class it's so awesome because they call the flight attendants and they call the pilots and then they call for first class you get your seat right away cuz apparently you need a good chair before the start of the poor people parade I pay attention and no one when I'm on an airplane cuz nothing anybody says once I'm already on the plane is gonna help me out in an emergency like the flight attendant she gives real safety speech like that's gonna help us sorry if we crash from 35,000 feet there's gonna be a couple exits she didn't really count on and we crash into water I'm using her as a flotation device I think first class gets dibs I was flying to San Juan Puerto Rico out of Miami she actually said his part of her safety feature said in case of an unscheduled landing the password is crash in case of an unscheduled landing please file out in an orderly fashion and I remember thinking did you not see us trying to get on the plane we couldn't manage to get on the plane in the Nord we boarded this sucker like it was the last chopper at a Saigon now you're gonna factor death into the equation the best I can possibly do is trample people in an orderly fashion as I'm fleeing the burning plane I think what I want I want honesty I just want everything they say to be honest in case of a water evacuation we suggest the breaststroke people are always asking when you're a comedian I say what kind of comedy do you do and I think the nature of mine is observational that would be the big picture but I like to say with a side of smart aleck everybody has a different definition so I'm gonna tell you what mine is say you worked in a puzzle Factory it could happen you work in a puzzle Factory and you put an extra piece in you guys know you're a smart aleck if you take a piece out you're a jerk and I want to thank you for the standing events kind of rare standing ovations kind of rare at the beginning of the show a rare child indeed that is really amazing so I am just gonna tell you I'm gonna work very hard to live up cuz I do not want the intro to be the highlight that would do that nobody here is gonna have that conversation tomorrow how was the comedy show oh we loved him Oh at first and I gotta say how nice they've treated me here I have provost fabulous the people that run this thing that put me in a nice hotel I love that because I've stayed I've stayed in a ton of hotels people every Hotel you ever walk into always has a slogan something to the effect of just like home which I don't believe I've never been in anybody's house where they bolt the TV to the dresser what is that I stayed in one hotel where they bolted to remote control then and it wasn't facing the TV that's a smart aleck my only entertainment all week long was upsetting the guy in the next room oh I bet you want to see the end of that didn't check oh yeah three o'clock good morning CNN really really loud just for you if I can't get to sleep nobody can get to sleep every hotel is always the same it's always the same you people that don't stay in hotels - trust me it's all every single time they always ask you the same questions right up front the first question how you gonna pay there are four options for options only first option is cash second check charge other I don't know what that is but that has never stopped me from circling it then just slide it over and every time done about 50 times I've done a 50 times this slide I just wait I just wait like I just lit a fuse or something and they just look at it and then look at me and look at that was that mean oh I don't know I was hoping you could tell me you put it down it was an option all I did was circle it so my thinking is maybe you could send my bill to some other guy next question always ask how many keys after how you gonna pay now say how many keys and I'll be honest with you people I'm always flying I take a red-eye as late as possible it's me I look like I've been traveling all day and I just say one key every single time the person behind the desk is a little disappointed like they want to think something about the stranger social life that travels through their dad one key is all I say cept when I was in Las Vegas you know Las Vegas people that's whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas kind of sleazy and I'm playing a place like the Hard Rock or whatever kind of the center of sin in Sin City and the guys says is the thing yes how many keys but wait look around you know where you are this is adult fantasy land but anything you think of we can make happen how many keys how many keys how many keys how many keys I'm saying it's let's give him a story give me 38 I'm just gonna leave him from here to the Luxor in case I get lost they're like bread crime I'll be left down this city no way I don't want no that's mine okay I'm good no I asked for one key cuz I'm married then I'm happily married I love saying that yeah you can do that yeah [Applause] I love Italian people she is from the south you cannot take the South out of the girl I do you do not want to get a Southern woman angry I don't know what women like here are angry but yeah woo man probably knows he's that don't do it don't cross him don't do it I understand that Southern women totally different because in California an angry woman in California is known as a divorcee an angry woman from Tennessee is known as a widow but that's okay our by our marriage is great cuz we trip I don't know anything about anybody else man I don't know anything about successful my I know one marry up that helps me marry up I married up and also you have love and respect those are key and you need to remember a couple things my wife feels the same way love and respect and you need to remember some things like she knows my job takes me on the road she loves and respects me and she also remembers there pretty women on the road but that's okay cuz I love and respect her and I remember that there's a freezer in the basement we're talking about the hotel this all started about the hotel and this very nice hotel just right down the street they had a gym huge big beautiful gym that I had not even walked into I just walked by it's all glass in case there's a big buff guy working out in front of him and I did want to know what and he's right looking at a mirror he's looking at a mirror and I just told what did this mirror and it had that buffa tude attitude of people that are but just I said what do the mirrors have to do with the extras that's to do the proper form of the exercise which enabled you to lose weight faster oh well they should put these mirrors in that line at the pizza place that would do it I'm in the gym I did I had not been to the gym for an error and this gym beautiful and when I went in to talk to him I'm out of shape you know working out has the word work built I didn't do it I have not worked after that I got to the door and had to go spot me okay thanks I appreciate that so I think my best hope for getting in shape is to get a home gym just something I could do at home and not really embarrass myself when I go to a real gym just I something I could do like a rowing machine you know an easy one when it comes to the motor I don't want to start with Stairmaster I kinda want escalator master check the pulse doing fine I tried the bike I did not like the bike because they give you way too many choices I don't need toys I just want exercise the bike that professional normal Hill I picked Hill who knew it was up Hill every Hotel you ever walk into you can buy stuff you may have a gift shop and everything I've ever bought in there has been kind of a dud yeah I think it's really good at the time the last dud gift I bought cuz cuz I want to remember my wife sometimes I'm just running to the airport and I forget and like oh I'll get her this nice thing that reminds her of the place she hasn't been this last dead gift I bought was a candle which which sounds nice she took it in there best because when I was giving it to her I thought oh boy I hope she doesn't think hey this is I want the air around you to smell better but she was like oh no that's nice she thought I made that says Oh cinnamon that's very very nice and the funny thing about the candle is it came with directions if you need a candle with directions I don't want you to have a candle I kind of want you to have fireworks because that would be a show maybe that's a jerk I'm sorry mmm these cherry bombs look delicious anyway okay that's done that's definitely jerk okay all right I'll get back to this smart aleck side of the street but the directions on the candle were very funny to me because they were one they were on the bottom of the candle so you'd think that the the first direction would be to use in Beart but that wasn't the first direction was do not leave candle unattended I think they meant lit candle because otherwise I just bought us a wax pit when we're going to the movies I now got to call my sister hey do you mind looking after the candle it doesn't like to be left alone that's what the directions say and then I think its direction for is the other good one very wise advice that says do not stand by naked flame that is good advice you want to know what better advices do not stand by flame naked wait better advice that is marked pitch and they didn't have that one written down I wrote it on there to remind me hotels are great they give you great commercials every state has its own commercials I love being in a different state this week it's so fun because first of all you guys are geniuses there's this thing I saw I hope you know about maybe it's new it's called the Debbie Meyer green bag and what it is you buy the Debbie Meyer green bag and you have a banana you put the banana in the debbie meyer greenbags six months later that banana still good I am no longer worried about growing old I'm sleeping in debbie meyer greenbags yeah baby and we should be proud of ourselves the other advertisement I saw was pretty amazing what it is it's called the infinity razor apparently we've come up with a piece of metal that can be honed so sharp and it's so durable they put it in this razor and the big selling point is if you buy this razor you never have to buy another razor your entire life get this so sharp so durable you buy this razor called the infinity read never have to buy another one as long as you live and if you order now we'll send you two every hotel I think is hilarious oak about the same size if you had it at home you'd throw it away they give you this little tiny dinky microscopic teeny-tiny bar of nothing big enough to wash maybe half a bun we had this thing at home it would go right in the garbage or we would squish it down the drain with our toes the two acceptable ways of getting rid of a bar so in fact the only wire toes get clean in our dough years is about squeeze that little [ __ ] right down there what strikes me so darn funny about that even though we all realize if we had this thing at home we just throw it away they give it to you at the hotel you steal it and bring it all the way home and then act like you're getting away with something let's see we spent $100 a night and we got a soap worth a nickel we are bargain hunters that's how we are whoo I've seen the most expensive hotel room in the entire world I played the Atlantis Hotel Casino there they have one room believe it or not $25,000 a night yeah I'm so glad you people in who because you're not I've been in somebody yeah and that's not good so I'm glad people are impressed and when they're not renting it out they will give you a tour of the room for $25 pretty bargain I wanted to see what a $25,000 suite looks like I was working there for a week they didn't have it rented one day so me and about 13 people strangers all met at the front desk paid our $25 and we're getting a tour of a room that's about five times the size of this room with a tour guide and the funny part to me was that the tour guide was trying to talk to people who were taking the tour into renting the room like somebody spending $25 to see the room his thinking about spending $25,000 to sleep there like there's one guy in my little group that's thinking himself okay okay okay okay okay let me get this straight does my $25 count towards 25,000 cuz I could probably do 24 975 but 25 25 way out of my league great hotel I stayed in last week to I guess it was two weeks ago in Florida and the only problem I had with the first I believe they were catering to a dumber class of people the hot tub had a sign on it that said no diving I don't think we need that sign I think the people that want to dive in the hot tub should be allowed to die in the hot tub maybe even encouraged these are the people they made the candle directions for hotel that was a special hotel too cuz uh really the biggest problem I had with that hotel is they had the world's largest mirror right across from the shower as I was getting out there's nothing I have that needs that much reflection if I had anything that needed that much mirror I wouldn't want a mirror I'd want more soap did something today I haven't done for a long time went to a fast food restaurant I haven't been to a fast food restaurant in a million years - the last time I went to a fast food restaurant I just walked in and asked the guy for a soda he'd just handed me a cup I'm just at they made me pour my own soda just walked asked him for a 7up you just and I'm this must be a diet 7up then he said did you want fries with that and I said I'm not if you're gonna give me a knife in a potato I stood there being gun stupid being from out of town I'm always out of town but and no he just finally notes my key miss sir you pour it over there oh oh I pour it over there oh thank you thank you and next time I'm just gonna bring a thermos I won't even have to chat with you I could have saved a buck in a quarter and brought my own cup this time what's next I'll be frying a burger at home they're just gonna send me a bill they're big selling point we do it your way I'm I'm doing it the way you're supposed to we will go to funny restaurants I saw one not too far from here I thought they were only in California but you've got one here called El Pollo Loco yeah you know what that means the crazy chicken which is hilarious to a comedian cuz you're never gonna go to a restaurant called the Mad Cow are gonna happen left on our own we will buy the goofiest foods we will we'll walk in I bought a box of croutons not too long ago got em home found out all the croutons are kept in a stay fresh pouch croutons are stale bread we left these open all night they would only get better nobody's ever had to go back to the store where the boxer guy needed some money back these are going fresh they should put those in the Debbie Meyer green bag keep them from going spongy oh and you got to be careful people you got to be careful cuz food is easy to eat and hard to American now the fattest nation on earth that is not the funny part the funny part is they told us how fat we were using a pie chart I think it was key lime pie to be honest really turns out one out of three Americans looks like he ate the other two man I've got kind of a small frame I got a small frame but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna gain some weight I went on that cruise was three weeks long I showed back up at home and I had gained 13 pounds on my frame that is huge I show up at door my watch oh my you get stung by a bee I said no there was just a lot of CDs and a lot of good food I didn't know anybody hey what are we gonna do she goes that's okay I have a diet I've been dying to try out on you so I'm gonna just give you this diet people I'm just gonna give it to you just in case you ever have too many cookies and you just want to lose some I lost ten pounds in ten days on my wife's diet and she was fabulous some just can't give it to you apparently if you are not good with chopsticks it takes you a really long time to get micro small pieces of food into your mouth and after about 20 minutes your brain just says oh hey this is a negative calorie intake situation we are losing energy through this motion not replenishing any shuts off your hunger system 10 pounds in 10 days if you're good at chopsticks just switch hands but 10 pounds in 10 days it's amazing now I want to be completely honest with you because I only got five minutes left or so I did lose 10 pounds in 10 days that's but my wife only gave me one stick and I was and I was trying to help her I came back from Las Vegas and I was trying to help out with the family chores I was feeding the dogs turns out she put everybody on a diet but they're not chopsticks they'd starve to death that would be bad but I said oh I'm just feeding them sure no no they're on a health food diet it's called the bones and raw food diet and I said oh do you want to explain that what is that because the acronym is barf that's not good they don't know that it's not like they can spell but I can it does not sound good and she said Oh bones and raw food are what the dogs would eat if they were in the wild so it makes sense sorta until you think that our dogs weigh about seven pounds each they are what dogs would eat in the why oh and food is just crazy people get mad at you you bother I've seen the weirdest food in the my entire I walked into a 7-eleven Albuquerque New Mexico they were selling pickled pig's feet in a clear jar the people that want pickled pig's feet know what they look like the people that don't want them shouldn't have to see him Magne people that don't want him she need that to see the people that do want these wouldn't bothered me had they hit him way in the back but no they put him right next to the cash register like pickled pig's feet or some sort of impulse buy like one of us is gonna be in the 7-eleven reaching for their pack of gum oh well I need a swine extremity that is a tough choice bubblegum or a hoof [Music] well I see we're keeping up front like we must be stealing those got to keep your eye on them I think they put them up front to make the slim jims look nutritious I've never you needed pickled pig's foot I am never gonna be that starving some boots on that pickled pig's each one tongue is another one who had the ambition to sell town was a guy just chewing away on a sandwich one day did [Music] we no other method that'd be pretty easy I'll wait for you that's a good laugh in Los Angeles people get mad at you if they think you're buying the wrong food on the grocery store I happen to be buying tuna lady behind me went crazy hey hey hey hey hey you're not supposed to be buying tuna they're catching on dolphins in the net and I said well hey hey hey hey hey you know they're catching a lot of tuna in that net also in case you missed that small detail and she got a tray excuse me dolphins are smart I swept it excuse me but I don't think we're catching the smart ones [Applause] let me tell you people if you love a food do not read about that food bad idea if you love something just let it go that is the idea I read about bacon not too long ago and bacon now has been linked to a higher incidence of death a fact pigs have known for years so let me just tell you right now how good this is for me this is the grew the most wonderful practice for the biggest gig of my career in six weeks I play Washington DC and I'm going for a bunch of congressmen and a bunch of senators and it's very exciting I think they picked me because I do not make fun of anybody that's in the news I don't make fun of the rich or the famous or the powerful I kind of look at them as sort of like easy easy to are kind of like the lowest-hanging brute on the comedy tree and as you can tell from my act I prefer to pick up my fruit off the ground I signed the contract over a year ago on the year and a half and then and because the government plans are entertainment a year and a half in advance and nothing else that's why we we might be sending somebody from here that's right so so they said hey it's an election you're gonna want to say something so there was a paragraph in there that said you can say whatever you want to but if you say something about a member on the left you have to say something about somebody on the right you just say something about a republican the very next joke out of your mouth has been Equal Opportunity joke that the net the other side they wanted it right seriously liberal conservative they want a joke right down I'm flying into Ronald Reagan I'm flying out of JFK so I signed the contract a year ago April just done paying my taxes and I hated paying my taxes I didn't like it I'm kind of a flat tax guy I flat don't want a painting but I was mad and I said I know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna go to this event and I'm gonna come up with some material about taxes and what I don't like and they are and I'm gonna change them with humor so I came up with the Steve Bruner tax plan I'll tell you right now I think you should be taxed according to how rich you act let me tell you how this works no more filling out paperwork sending it in to the IRS Department of the Treasury send a lot of money to them too and you hope that they don't ask for more sometimes you have to get somebody else to fill out your paperwork they want more money just ended in you don't argue with them not anymore now you just have to answer one simple question how you answer that question determines your tax rate so the first year bring you in a little room and they say you have a salad and you put a red thing on that salad what do you call that red thing and the people that say tomato they pay 20% the people that say tomahto they pay 30% and the people that say tow mater they pay 5% all right you're getting it you're getting it all right your number two they bring in the other room they got to switch it up they say you have a bagel what do you put on it and the people say the finest salmon and the best cream cheese 30% the people to say butter and jam 20% and the people say if I had a bagel I'd put on a leash they pay 5% don't explain that to him you're raising his tax bracket that's not very nice be nice don't be a smart aleck you're number three they bring you the little room and they say what is the family motto and if they say something like seize the day carpet diem anything vaguely Latin 30% if they say another day another dollar something with a work ethic 20% and if they say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because they need the money I only have four years bigger brains in mind got to come up with more than a presidential terms worth you're number four I'll leave with this you're number four they're bringing in a little room and then say what is your favorite vegetable and the people say braised broccoli in a white truffle sauce 30% the people that say snow peas 20% and the people say ketchup they get a rebate it's me the donators you guys related

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,151,655

Rating: 4.8064079 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Steve Bruner, Steve Bruner Dry Bar Comedy, Steve Bruner Comedy, Steve Bruner Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routiens, Clean Stand up Comedians, DBC, Stand Up, Hunting, Wife, tennessee, rabbits feet, bunny, rabbit, bad gifts, orange

Id: qYHt5Qh7k4g

Length: 41min 36sec (2496 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 11 2020