Your Wife Is More Complicated Than You. Rex Havens - Full Special

all a man knows is when you got a flat you need a pump all the studies say that men and women are equally intelligent I believe that but I do believe that you women must have figured out a way to use more of your brains because I know that my wife's life is more complicated than mine I know she has to make more decisions just getting dressed in the morning then I have to face all day women's lives are that complicated I found this out the first time I went shopping with my new wife for women's shoes it was a frightening day I hope I never have to do it again but I learned a lot I learned for example that women don't just have shoes men just have shoes that's what they're called they're all called shoes if it goes at the end of my leg on my foot that's a shoe raise the heel lower the heel change the heel doesn't matter still a shoe still a shoe who always a shoe women don't have a single pair of anything called shoes they have subcategories for even the slightest change in Footwear women have pumps and clogs and flats and slings and heels and open-toed Emile's and spikes and flip-flops and strappy sandals and scrunchie boots and stilettos and wedges and tea straps and whatever the heck an espadrille is men don't know what any of these are this is a code women used to keep us out of the conversation the man doesn't know a pump from a flat all a man knows is when you got a flat you need a pump [Applause] and the colors women know how do you learn them all but you do you know every color ever invented how about every woman in here knows what color periwinkle is yes look at him they're going duh there aren't three men in the state know what color periwinkle is because we're men and all we know are the eight colors from the big fat crayon box from first grade that's all we know we've lost six of those were down to black and brown we understand but you women know periwinkle yell it out what color family is it in blue purple and it's hard to say cuz it's in between and men are looking at you like how did she know that how did they know that how do they wrinkle how did she know that they covered a lot of stuff at that meeting my wife's shoe catalogue colors I had never heard of before Aspen mauve ecru taupe sea breeze eggshell crimson indigo khaki beige honeysuckle ivory lavender sandstone Heather miss Steele satin flax coral cream nugget pearl saddle Daisy black peponi charcoal Raven midnight parsley prism and pineapple periwinkle papaya peach purple pink poppy mixing powdered pewter Peapod NZ pumpkin fuse pomegranate peppermint pancake pumpernickel champagne and toast [Applause] on the other hand many shoes black and brown sadly for men one choice too many because we gotta turn to the wife and go honey which one should I wear which one should I wear tonight help me out come on this will bust my brain same thing with makeup fellas do you understand how complicated a woman's life is because of the existence of makeup did you know there's over 4,000 different makeup products in a Walmart alone men have to make up options in this life shave don't shave and women envy that they wish their lives could be that simple they wish they could have roll out of bed like a man does on the lazy Saturday morning just look in the mirror and go oh heck I look great let's get out of here come on let's go but most women can't do that most men need to have a little understanding most women have to get up in the morning they have to confront the mirror and they have to start mixing chemicals and there's a lot of them so they need to know what they're doing because they've got eyeliner lip liner brow liner lip liner bus routes foundation oily creams not only creams cold cream wrinkle cream face cream hand cream foot cream day cream night cream cream rinse mascara lip shadow lip gloss lipstick women actually have moisturizer and dehydrator I'm not getting moisturizer and dehydrator apparently part of the body is a desert and the other part is a swamp then it takes a serious land management effort to keep it all in balance women's clothing sizes are so complicated that men can't even keep track of a men's clothing sizes is so easy you can explain it in a minute men's clothing sizes are all based on inches so if I go into a men's store and I say I'd like to buy a sport coat they say what size are you say I don't know there's a how big are you around the chest I go 44 inches and they'll go would then you are size 44 wow that's a freaky coincidence isn't it that's the system 44 inches size 44 pants 36 inches around the waist size 36 shirt 16 35 16 inches around the neck 35 inches down the sleeve and we're done well less than a minute on the other hand what size does your wife wear I don't know 10 or 11 or 30 or mm or summer autumn junior mrs. petite sighs I don't know 9 or 10 I think 10 I think I heard 10 once so I'm gonna have to go with 10 all right ten what I don't know but there's ten of them in that dress somewhere I don't know what they are but you turn that dress inside out you'll find ten of those little things in there somewhere it must be must be like ten fem a-- meters or something like that ten that sounds right fem a-- meters i think that's what that is ten lady pieces ten units of woman I don't know what it is but all I know is the tiny little woman is it too so I guess she's five times bigger than that I guess I don't know that's that wouldn't be right would it but it would be logical the only reason I said to was because I found them by asking that a lot of men think that a2 is smallest size there is a lot of men don't know that below asides - there's a size one and what they really don't know is that close eyes one there is a zero look at the man you're with and watch his face blow off just look at that there is gentlemen there's a size zero a size zero men are thinking about their pants going that would be a skinny guy right there that would be no waste whatsoever zero not a waste how do you do that zero it is a dream of some women to be able to walk into a dress shop and say hello I'd like to see something in a nothing I'm not a - I'm not a one I'm a nun I am just too tiny for positive numbers and in their perfect world they would try on a zero and it's baggy but there's a size for that because smaller than zero is double zero double zero gentleman is smaller than zero there's zero and then take double that a lot of guys don't know so I'm going to explain to you the difference between a zero and a double zero A zero A two carat last week a double zero looks down her nose at the undisciplined pig who ate the carrot last week double zero hasn't eaten since the first Bush administration so [ __ ] so a pleasure to be here my name is Rex Nevins I am from Dallas Texas and hello Provo how you doing oh yeah alright first things first let's take care of this I know that I don't look like a comedian I look like somebody the police are looking for tell me I don't the police are looking for this men I understand that I do scare small children I'm glad you're here I tell you what I'm glad you decided to come out for a night of laughs I'm always grateful when people decide that I think if you have a good sense of humor it helps if either your mom or your dad was nuts bye applause how many of you grew up at home where mom was nuts how about that how about dad was nuts dad was okay how about both of them should have been put away how about them my house there was mom I loved her to death but she said some of the silliest things things I never heard before since where'd this come from spitting image where'd that come from spittin image look at him there he's the spittin image of him there oh it's hard did anybody ever walk up to somebody and say you know you look a lot like bill you're a dead ringer and she was always working like a dog mom was always working like a dog I've been working like a dog never figured out where that came from anybody here got a dog that's a raging workaholic have I got the only lazy dog left in America if I got the only dog whose work schedule reads sleep 23 hours wake each pup bark and repeat my dog is so lazy he has worked at a system where he poops anywhere in the art he wants to and I pick it up and I call myself the master let me ask you something if you saw two people walking down the street one of them took a poop in the other one picked it up which one would you say is the master I am no master mom said those things all the time here's one that your mom probably said to you too don't you be gettin a big head cuz you're no better than anybody else really mom nobody not anybody have you read the paper there's a lot of scumbags out there throw me a bone I don't have to be better than everybody but I'm pretty sure I'm better than somebody I can think of a whole set is reindeer less worth of people I hope I'm better then how about Hitler and Stalin and OJ Simpson and Gacy and Bundy and Dahmer and Nixon huh how about that [Applause] but here's the one that always put me over the edge you've heard this one before - if everybody jumped off the bridge would you jump - Oh golly no it's everybody everybody mom that's a lot of people that's everybody we know and everybody they know but okay let's go with your thought it always seems to me if everybody jumped off the bridge eventually it wouldn't even be much of a fall right you know they just keep jumping you know three four days eight ten million people jump you can just step off that bridge come on you can jump get back on jump again if you want to what the heck make an afternoon out of it you know I wouldn't go first for dumb though you can't be getting on the airlines where they tell you in the event of a water landing the seat can be used as a tation device next time they do that stand up say pardon me miss with respect but if this thing crashes in the water let's be honest most of these passengers will be a flotation device I have dibs on the fat guy in row 7 the mast in his backside and a blanket for sale and eight of us will be heading for Shore thank you very much I know it's not kind but I think it's what MacGyver wants me to do so you know got to survive somehow but the worst is when I sit in the exit row and they asked me if I would be willing to help with the door in the event of an emergency and I know what I want to say what I want to say is pardon me miss let me understand we have an 80 million dollar airplane we have a flight crew with 10,000 hours of professional training but a very important part apparently if your passenger safety program is me well fear not this is your lucky day because as it happens I always do things I have never ever ever ever ever in my life done before perfectly on the very first try don't worry that I'll go left when I should go right or push when I should pull or jam that thing hopelessly in there sideways I always perform perfectly first time every time and I'm especially good under the pressure of 200 flaming passengers behind me screaming on second thought we could do a run-through yeah that would be a grand idea stuff you wish you understood how come I don't get credit for good behavior why don't you get credit for good behavior how come the only people who get credit for good behavior are people in prison for bad behavior that's the way it works right if you shoot somebody we lock you up and as a society we start to immediately keep track of your good behavior it'll be somebody's job in fact to keep meticulous track of your good behavior three years later if you haven't shot anybody else we'll say good for you that was amazing I don't know how you did it you are the model of self-restraint we are impressed keep up the good work meanwhile I have hurt no one and you have hurt no one and we get no credit I believe everybody should get credit for good behavior I believe for every 10 years of good behavior you should be allowed to slap one stupid person I sensed the beginning of a movement here tonight and I believe many of you have mentally selected the person already I think we'd be a lot nicer to each other if there was a chance the person we were talking to was having their 10 year anniversary that day and don't you I've been to Utah many times and when I come here I'm always a little bit intimidated because a lot of people out here very into fitness and I always seem to run into this guy I seem to run into a guy that seems to be fit he seems to be into nutrition fitness metal metallurgy and chemistry and for some reason he's dying to share this information with me I always meet this guy you ever meet this guy hi my name's Lance I run the marathon in 2 hours and 20 minutes got a pulse of 38 1% body fat cholesterol too low to measure life expectancy of 167 how're you doing this is my running suit it's made out of gore-tex with a lining that's really a mock side and my shoes were born reinforced strontium with graphite microfiber laces my glasses nickel free titanium my bicycle is a mono carbon aluminum alloy alloy with Teflon lubricated polymer gearing that breaks up halogen trioxide and my skis their cadmium ejecting subatomic carbon fiber isotope with beryllium tungsten composite edges and binders of supercooled floral lithium lucite [Applause] and I have to go that's great but I just came in for an order I'd like a Big Mac and fries if you could please and hurry with that kryptonite boy thank you very much speaking of money do you ever read the paper and you feel like you're the only person not still being paid in millions of dollars doesn't it seem like somebody else just always signed a deal for something point something million dollars where the decimal point separates the millions of dollars from the mayor hundreds of thousands am I the only person still uses a decimal point two separate dollars from pennies Clayton Kershaw LA Dodgers makes 40 million dollars a year six eight thousand dollars a pitch eight thousand dollars a pitch good pitch bad pitch that is the least he will make if he doesn't get hurt in place the whole year eight thousand dollars every time he throws the ball eight thousand bucks if you're the owner of the LA Dodgers and you would like Clayton Kershaw to intentionally walk a batter that will cost you $32,000 for four bad pitches $32,000 because you don't want that guy over there to bat which is nuts this is America for 300 bucks you could have that guy killed use your head save a buck you know what I'm trying to say and is it just me but I think it should be illegal when I'm on the phone with customer service for them to tell me one that my call is very important to us and two that my wait time is 40 minutes those both can't be true can they in fact you know why I know my call is not important to you because my wait time is 40 minutes when I place a call and it's really important you know how long my wait time is zero minutes no minutes whatsoever that's how I know my call is important you'll hang up on somebody else because I'm an important caller I wish Verizon would just say it like it is it's an ordinary day you're an ordinary caller we got 12 ordinary callers ahead of you so it's going to be an ordinary 40 minutes thank you very much and have a good day [Applause] now let me ask you this am I the only person nervous checking into a hospital with the word memorial already in the name seems a little defeatist to me doesn't it to you I don't want to check into Boston Memorial Hospital of Boston Recovery Hospital sounds pretty good to me I'm going there I'm not I'm not looking for memorial services I'm looking for health services thank you very much hoping to get better flew into Salt Lake City and drove down here that on the highway that's the most mysterious time for me trying to keep track of that world around you how do you keep track of all those car names that are out there hundreds of different car names how am I supposed to keep those all straight some cars don't have a name all they've got some number that never made sense to me unless you're trying to get the biggest number I give an example Mazdas got a two they've got a three they've got a five they got a six also we all had an 88 and a 98 Chrysler's got a 200 and 300 miles ahead at 323 for it had a 500 miles ahead of 6:26 and a 929 Pontiac out of 1,000 out he's got a 3,000 4,000 5,000 Pontiac out of 6,000 Saab had a 9,000 Nissan's just said to heck with it now they make an infinity top that Chrysler Mitsubishi's little nuts they got a vision an eclipse and a mirage a vision which is really something to look at and the clip said some you shouldn't look at Mirage some we're not even really looking at it set your car I think so but I've been fooled before I don't know I'm nervous about that they have cars named for the heart of the big city all the way on out to the sticks for the inner city Metro a little further out suburban further out still Town Car one that can't decide Town and Country further out two got a villager beyond death they got the forester beyond the forest I got the frontier beyond the frontier the Yukon the Denali the tundra and the outback and way the heck out there mercury and Saturn Plymouth made a reliance I had one they call it that because it made you reliance on public transportation by Galarraga can the cars do what their names sound like they can do and if they can I guess they can do a lot of different things get one that does what you need doing if you're going someplace in there are no roads get a pathfinder or a trailblazer if nobody's ever been there before you'll need a discovery or an explorer a little bit lonely get yourself an escort or make me an amigo or a sidekick you know shop around jump around a little get the card based on the kind of trip you want to take gonna take a short trip get a sprint a longer trip a journey a hopeful trip good a quest a long hard trip an expedition or an excursion and if you want to stay away for years get an odyssey get the car based on how you're feeling you know what I'm saying your mood at the time if you want to be daring get a fencer or an intrepid if you want to be a gentleman get a gallant if you want to go overseas pick up a passport if you can't concentrate get a focus if you have a large protruding navel get an Audi if you like to stay in shape get a fit if you sort of let it slide get an avalanche you got a score to settle get an Avenger if your batteries are low pick up a charger and if you're in a horrible marriage you might think about an escape [Applause] all right well I guess that last line brought us to men and women and I think that might have been why they were kind enough to invite me I guess men and women is sort of my thing a little bit if you know me at all before tonight it might be for the book and CD what you called everything I needed to know I learned from my wife and I'm glad so many women are here tonight I could if I could I would like to speak first to the women I can only speak as a man it is the handicap I was born with but I say this to the women and I say it in the spirit of harmony and love and respect and all good things and I think I speak for some men in the world when I say to you honest-to-goodness we've tried fellas haven't we tried have we tried and we tried to understand you as best we can with our tiny underdeveloped little brains but every time in my life that I thought maybe I understood one tiny little bitty truth about you women I thank you kala meeting you take a vote you change the rule you don't tell the man in your life because that would take the sport right out of it you leave it up to him to figure it out for himself individually if he can sometimes he does more often he does not the game goes on I only know two things about men and women that are always true my whole dumb wife there's only two things that have always been there for me always constant number one I'm a man number two I'm sorry see the married men going hey that's my life brother and I tell you that right now because I have bad news for the men of America the battle of the sexes I'm very sorry it's over we lost look at the women they're going one of them finally gets it now we're gonna have to call a meeting now we're having some fun but if anybody honestly believes it's a man's world good for you is a how many of you are married to plot if you're married if you don't mind if you're married lot of you are plot if you're single single people I don't know why single people always a little more enthusiastic about that they yell and scream hot dog who's engaged who's engaged I know somebody's engaged who's gonna be in is that right you guys you guys gonna happen gonna happen right over there well when's it gonna happen oh come on four weeks five weeks yeah congratulations what's your what's your first name Tyler and Tyler and Alyssa do you wish Tyler and Alyssa where well if you wish them well Alyssa how many bridesmaids well you have four bridesmaids good for you 150 guests two hundred something like that yeah good for you good for you happy happy for you I will tell you this if anybody honestly believes it's a man's world cling to those beliefs but you do owe it to yourself to have a wedding on the wedding day that's when Tyler is going to find out what a very tiny piece of that day's puzzle he is and I just want to save you from making a normal groom mistake because so many grooms go into their wedding day thinking wow not your day Tyler Alyssa's Day not your day she doesn't even really want you there she may love you but she would get married without you if she could if she could have that beautiful ceremony and just leave you at home on the lazy boy she would go every time because we're men Tyler and that means to our wives we are an accident waiting to happen you are not going to get to make any big decisions about the day colors fabrics flowers nothing she'd like to let you but you're too dumping and I have no problem with that I think the average woman probably does have a better sense of the artistic than the average man don't you think I got married I found out my wife Sarah want us to have checks for the checkbook that would get this pretty I'm a man I just want to checks that would clear Sarah told me we were going to divide the checkbook turns out I got the deposit slips it's her day Tyler it's not your day now don't give up hope when it comes to the marriage you might do fine you might do great but not on the wedding day her day not your day understand it no it going in all will go better for you my son everything will be about Alyssa pet her dress her gown thousands of dollars gorgeous beautiful thing absolutely unbelievable thousands of dollars spent on this thing five separate fittings after the ceremony Alyssa's dress will be carefully clean pressed folded sealed wrapped in plastic saved and preserved as an altar for life Tyler's clothing will be rented and must be back to the shop on Monday because another man needs it next weekend don't let it bother you Tyler that 500 other men got married in your suit you're still special 50 years from now Alyssa if she wants to could hold up that beautiful wedding gown with a tear in her eye and say I got married in that if Tyler can do that he'll be holding underwear that's the only thing you own that day that you could keep so I say make it special Tyler after the ceremony don't forget take the underwear home put it up on the wall in a glass case 30 years from now give it to your son to get married in [Applause] point to it every now and then and say someday you're gonna fill those out and make me proud boy the ring you're supposed to spend three months income on the woman's ring you know it says so the American diamond Association what a shock I spent three months income on my wife's ring she was still not happy I picked June July and August from the summer I turned 13 it was a wet summer i motile autographs a year I think that out of Carens woman's ring is an incredible thing thousands of dollars this is a man's ring 8215 most stores throw this in when you buy hers just like they're going hey Tyler know we cheated you on that rock pretty bad what do you say that piece of dirts on the house how about that just take six or seven we got a bucket right here go right ahead reach in there we use them for packing peanuts they don't cost anything go right ahead help yourself cuz you know this when diamonds are a girl's man's best friend's a dog who thought that up women thought that who else would have thought that a woman's best friend is one of the rarest things on earth man's best friend is so plentiful we neuter him because we don't want long Oh Alyssa your entrance into the church will be grand everyone will stand everyone will turn and we can't wait to see how beautiful you're going to be as you come down the aisle but you can't come out yet you have four bridesmaids to send out somebody in the crowd always a man that's confused when the first person he sees is not who he expects the man standing there going honey that's not Alyssa I know that's not Alyssa are we in the right church are you sure that is not Alyssa I know what and that's not her either what Oh false alarm sample women first okay sample sample women okay bride appetizers okay get him on down here boom there they come there they come there they come finally you emerge beautiful you're gonna be such a beautiful bride beautiful radiant like the breaking dawn I hope it's perfect I hope you remember it always Tyler your entrance is different preacher will explain that to you the night before you know Tyler my son now if you come over here tomorrow we'd like you to come through the alley door over here please if you could we'd like you to come in in no particular time when nobody cares that's how we do it here if you just drag yourself to the center here and don't attract attention to yourself now don't attract if you do it right everybody will swing around and go where the heck did he come from I didn't even see that he came in quiet didn't he oh they're gonna ask your family who gives this beautiful woman to be married to this man it's almost like you're a precious asset the family has to think about it sweetheart the Reverend wants to know if we're going to keep her or give her to dipstick over there what do you think why should we do I never liked him myself but we've got all these people here I guess okay alright Tyler's family will not be consulted it is presumed they're delighted anyone wants him in the first place have him of course you can have him we've been waiting for years get rid of that get rid of him I don't want to make any man mad by saying this but if I could press the button and be a woman for a year I would do it just because I would love to understand the friendship level that two girlfriends have for each other I believe on the on the whole that it is greater and deeper than any two men could ever understand I only say this because I've seen a woman ask another woman to be in her wedding and fellas if you have never seen this you have never seen [Laughter] there is nothing like it the magic moment when a woman looks deep into the eyes of work [Applause] and the friend wets herself I'm a writer on [Applause] who in the right mind would not want to be in on that it's celebrating by definition celebrating is fun everybody enjoys celebrating it must be great to have another reason to run and jump and kiss and hug for the honor of spending five hundred dollars on the ugliest dress you've ever seen in your entire life three or four shower gifts this wedding will cost each of these women a grand but they don't care because you're Alyssa and they love you not the same for Tyler Tyler walks into work on Monday and hated Fred I hate to do this I hate to do this but I got 11 spots to fill and no they had a meeting that's all I know they had a meeting I just got the word it's 11:00 and I just did the paperwork and it turns out you're my 11th best friend I'm Tyler from accounting I thought you recognized me when I but we played softball that one time seven years ago and you're 11 anyway we're gonna get married in October and I need you to stand up with me that's 90 bucks man the tux rental is a killer don't you have a paperboy or a cousin somebody from grade school oh all I know about your Tyler is you have an honest face and you have a good face and I think you want to be a good husband so I'm going to I'm gonna give you seven things that a husband needs to learn to say once in a while not all the time don't be a pushover but if you want somebody to stick with you through thick and thin for 40 50 60 years there are things you need to say there are seven things women need to learn to say too but tonight we're gonna talk about the seven that men need to learn to say you're gonna mess up sometimes you're gonna need to repair the damaged women if there's any truth to any of these support me so poor Tyler learns okay are you ready number one honey Oh golly you were right I was wrong number two I'm sorry and that won't happen again number three how could I be so stupid before I don't deserve you sweetheart number five I would marry you all over again number six no you're much prettier than she is remember seven no if anything the dress makes your hips look too small you should eat something honey you're about to blow away I don't even know I don't know how your britches even stay up Tyler I learned that last one the hard way I love my wife Sara to death I have no idea honestly why such a quality woman would stay with me for ten minutes I will keep her as long as she is misguided enough to stay but I came home one day and she ambushed me with the question and I did not have time to what's the word for that thing and she said will you still love me when I'm fat and sassy and I said you're not thinking of turning sassy on me are you I agree bad answer bad answer but I hope you listen to yourself on that one I hope you listen to your response on that one you can learn a lot about men and women by how you react to that joke let's be honest that was a man's joke that was a man's joke but as I looked around the room there was only two men dumb enough to actually laugh out loud at that joke even the men were going oh that was suicide man that was an absolute suicide what does it matter with you and all the Boeing and the disapproval was coming from the women and I just want to say from my heart I love you for that feel good about yourselves for that it makes you better than most men you cared about my wife and you've never even met her but it didn't matter to you you sense that his sister had been wounded and you circled the wagons and you said kill him take him out behind the shed feel good about yourselves for that it makes you it elevates you it makes you better than most men you cared about another woman you had never met does a man care about another man he's never met not usually you got to see the horrible things we do to our best friends men do horrible things to our best friends drawing things on them and magic markers and stuff and sticking fruit in their face and just doing all kinds of awful things to their friends in the name of love I love you fella we do horrible things to each other the women would never do to their friends you cared about Sarah don't worry about her she's a very strong woman very strong she can take care of herself George tells everybody that way back the moment when she first agreed to marry me she suddenly looked down and realized that her hands were all skinned up because that's what happens when you scrape the bottom of the barrel you guys have been so awesome we're gonna have to wrap up here pretty soon but I can't thank you enough for the kindness of your have you're wonderful laughter and before we go just very quickly what have I learned in my silly trips around the Sun about men and women well there are a number of studies out there which say that we are motivated by different things they say they say on average that men are motivated by practicality and efficiency and we certainly hear that criticism all the time that the only thing that matters to you is something that's practical and efficient well in a lot of homes it's our job to get things done so yeah I think we do gravitate toward practical things that help us get the job done and then then we're really concerned about that and give us more free time that's a good thing but they also say for women that they appreciate practicality but slightly higher for many women are things of beauty things that lift the spirit things that feed the soul that is the only distinction I've ever been able to come up with to explain why possibly today there are still candle stories there's not a man here who understands why they're still candle stores why can you still buy a single candle they have been surpassed there are better inventions out there to do those things modern light bulb has the light of a thousand candles a modern furnace has the heat of a million candles to a man's mind with efficiency like that available why would you ever want one at a time but women have patiently explained to me many times that they value the beauty of the aroma the atmosphere the aura some say even the soul of a single burning candle and that's why candle stores still exist and that is my wife's place at the mall my place is the bench outside the mall where I sit with all the other men sitting there like a dog that's been left at the kennel looking at the horizon waiting for my owner to come back she said to sit right here she told me sit right here and she said she would be back and she'll be back pretty soon and we'll get ice cream we will should be back I know she will so I think maybe there's something to that I think maybe there's a little something to the notion that men are driven by efficiency and women are driven by beauty and you don't have to look any further to see these two competing ideas living side by side then your standard everyday bath towel this is a bath towel and it's also men and women living together because this has a male part and it has a female part the male part obviously is a terrycloth part because that is efficient it is thirsty its absorbent it sucks up the water and you can dry yourself with that part of the towel and that lady's drying ourselves is what that foolish man in your life thought we bought the towel to do but for some reason there's this part the silly part silly part you got to admit ladies even no matter how pretty this is this is useless to the purpose of a towel because this little decorative strip is hard it is flat it is matted but most of all and worst of all it repels water this is part of a towel this is 20% of a towel and it repels water you like this towel down flat on a table of pour water on it it will beat up on this part of the towel if the whole towel was made out of this it wouldn't be a towel it would be a placemat you like to dry yourself with a stiff placemat and far from being innocent this part can hurt you can skin yourself on this part of the towel so gentlemen next time you're drying off with the family linens in this nasty awful raspy piece of sandpaper snags you in a sensitive area try to think of it as a friendly little hello from your wife offered in the name of art and for the sake of beauty gentlemen we could if we wanted to we could try to mount a campaign and get rid of the decorative towel strip we could use logic and reason under women in their lives and try to rid the world of this awful little demon I fought hard with the women in my life when I was very unbelievably totally young I was naive I was idealistic but mostly I was fatally young I was a young man once it didn't work out but I fought hard with the women in my life fought hard with my own wife at least I thought I did but in the end I had to admit that I seldom won her over to my way of thinking she is a formidable opponent as are most in her sisterhood so I would say to you gentlemen only the women are the reason for many many fine things in the world and I would ask you to find it in your heart to appreciate and even love what women bring to the table for women are the reason for pumps and clogs and flats and slings in periwinkle and seafoam in size zero and candle stores and decorative linens and women are the reason for a million and one other greater and even lesser things but all of which we must admit add texture interest beauty mystery and yes even magic to the fabric of life [Applause] so gentlemen when they're tempted to take these women on and challenge the feminine influences in the world by all means do what's in your heart but my advice use your head save a lot of time add literally years to your life and about nine out of ten times be a very wise man throw in the towel I know you wanted I don't men won't and that's not in the nature of many of us to give up as long as we fight this fight with humor and a Spartan a sparkle in our eye and we do it when in good sportsmanship and with good feelings toward each other always with respect then keep up the good fight I will tell you this Tyler it's all about communication with my wife and I sometimes that can go by what she says other times I need to read between the lines recently I was in the kitchen and Sara came up behind me and she grabbed me by the seat of the pants and I thought that's got to be a good thing turned out she was just drying her hands folks when's the best time to laugh anytime you can god bless thank you very much [Applause] thank you so much you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,069,299

Rating: 4.8729281 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Rex Havens, Rex Havens Dry Bar Comedy, Rex Havens Comedy, Rex Havens Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedians, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Shoes, Shoe Haul, Types of shoes, colors, women, mgtow, complicated minds, what to wear, dbc

Id: pXNpDiT8jDE

Length: 43min 47sec (2627 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 08 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/HandstandsMcGoo]

He’s got a very Carlin delivery and style

Enjoyed his content, thanks for the share