Your Parents Are Slowly Losing Their Minds. Andrew Sleighter - Full Special

why do you have bacon shove down your pants from Seattle Washington originally that's where I grew up I get to go home sure thank you more people than blueberries I like it I love going back every time I go home now so I get to see my parents they still live up there about twice three times a year and every time I go home now and I haven't I have this problem though because when I go home now I haven't seen my mom a long time she's inched a little closer toward insanity so and it's not a gradual thing because I'm not around her she's very jarring for me it's like when you haven't seen a little nephew in a long time they sneak up on you how much they've grown that's like my mom but with crazy it's like all my goodness mom last time I saw you're like this crazy now look at you what are they feeding you Matt or something what's going on why are you freezing the milk yeah she freezes the milk you're like why why would anyone do that and I'll tell you why she goes to Costco right she buys nine gallons all taped together to save the 87 cents or whatever it is then it's just hurting my dad in the house she's locked Houston tolerant they're never gonna drink that milk I don't know who it's for it's apocalypse milk okay so what are we I don't know and we didn't do that growing up this is new this is something she picked up like three years ago I don't know from where so now I come home she don't even have a good seat if you're gonna freeze milk you need a system here's what you do you put a regular milk in the refrigerator just ready to go and then as that gets used up you move in a frozen milk to defrost she have a seamless milk transition now right I come home again hen see my mom like six months right and I opened up and I and I pour myself a bowl of Cheerios I'm in the kitchen it's very nostalgic it's kind of nice you know I'm very excited to have these Cheers I open up the fridge you know and I grab the milk it's heavy oh it's a good sign right you got a heavy milk it's going down cheerio time unscrew the lid turn it over to nothing's coming out it's iceberg I don't know what to do what would you have done and that much you just set it out on the counter and wait six hours I'll tell you what I did i microwave that milk that's right I did and how long how long do you microwave milk for nobody teaches you that in high school I hit the popcorn button I wasn't sure how long there was no milk defrost my mom is slowly and sadly losing her mind button to press so then I come home another time and again pensee my mom like six months you know and I open up the front door and first thing I see it's her she stands the top of the stairs but she has her back to me and she has what appears to me to be a pack of bacon shoved down the back of her pants like halfway down her butt and the other half sticking out on the small of her back I was alarmed so I asked what I thought was a very important question said hey mom Merry Christmas what why do you have bacon shove down your pants and she yelled at me she got mad and yelled at me she goes Andrew it's not bacon it's ham okay cool all right well I'm out of here I'm sorry for wasting your time there Hamm pants it was a stupid question you know what I'm just gonna try and catch his flight I think if I go now you guys are really confused - like come on what's going well she hurt her back okay yeah she injured her back she can have an ice pack so she shoved frozen ham down her pants to heal herself which I was like why just use the milk you got number two ice pack in the freezer so it's always nice to come home get low home cooking of milk popsicles and but sandwiches it's great every time I go back it's a big travel day for me Saturday was a sacrifice I gave up my HGTV Saturday so that's usually what I'm doing anybody else on the HGTV Saturday it's every day I love it it's my favorite Channel but I will say that channel is a little biased okay it's biased toward homeowners all right every show in there is for the wealthy homeowner flip my house fix my house where are the shows for the renters broke people like me where is my show I want to see a show called get my security deposit back that's why just too lazy contractors showing up at apartment we're gonna patch a lot of holes sell your roommates wait bench on Craigslist and figure out what that popcorn smells coming from today I get my security deposit back I am broke and he broke people here tonight one way I like to combat being broke is I like to eat it continental breakfasts at hotels I'm not staying at yeah yeah you can just do that if you want you guys want free breakfast tomorrow anybody yeah I'll tell you how to do it okay it's the easiest thing in the world here's what you do get up before nine o'clock that's the hardest part right there get up before nine go over like a hampton inn make a waffle yeah that's it good girl it's a whole caper they can't stop you it's notions 11 let me tell you some no front desk employee making nine bucks an hour has the balls to accuse you and that ridiculous crime they're never gonna say anything I've literally done it like a dozen times in my life now I'm cocky I'm the John Dillinger of breakfast stealing they gotta be in every hotel I only gonna be at once say something to me I dare you to say something to me because I have the best defense in the world if you ever accused me of that I'm just gonna act incredulous you just get upset it's like what's that okay no no I got let me get this straight you're of the impression that I got up this morning got in my car drove all the way to your stupid little hotel oh I'm sorry picked up my fiance drove all the way to your stupid little hotel start eating all the eggs and the bacon and the sauce at all this peanut butter jelly sandwich I have saran wrap back here what's that my lunch I'm gonna get two free meals out of this they would fall over themselves apologizing yeah that's literally what I do step four step every Valentine's Day that's how I try knock it out call it brunch Slater how sweet despite that fact she married me I'm married I've been married now for a year recently celebrated thank you so if anybody needs any advice yeah we like it I like being married a lot so far so good I will say what I like most about it that's having a family you know I have a family now and we don't have any kids so it feels like a cheat code to family because we're just two adults living together it's not that hard you know but I like to use that word to make myself sound more important so that's how I talk now I say things like I provide for this family hey I'm going to Provo to provide for this family which sounds better then hey I made my half of the rent there's October so what's up can i watch my shows I want to watch but she's broke like me okay shouldn't have any money either with just two broke people and broke matrimony that's all it is but I will say I'm better at being broke than she is just to be honest with you okay and that's not a gender thing should their personalities and I'm not even talking about stealing continental breakfast that's master class broke guy stuff I'm talking about the basics all right like when you guys cheat people when you go to the movies what do you do to save money okay someone said robbed the place that's too far take it back step just easy now bringing your own s yes that's right sneak in your own so I suggest this to my wife or I'm like a she's on board she's enthusiastic about the plan but her execution is off because we're walking through the mall right to go to the show she stops it sees candy no no actually not how it works you don't see candy into the theater that's more expensive than what they sell in the lobby okay yeah let's do it around it's like oh I know well save some money we'll pack a lunch let me just swing by the airport really quick and grab a sandwich a little picnic in the Delta term I got a tuna sandwich for $13.99 not the deal looking for Houston is an overrated idea when it comes to being married I think this is what everyone said I found this to be overrated that when you get married you can't hang out with your friends anymore I don't find that to be true but here's an underrated idea when it comes to being married that I found to be true is that when you get married you can use your wife as an excuse to not have to hang out with your friends anymore I can't tell you how many times I've thrown her under the bus to not go to stupid poker night oh she doesn't even know she wishes I would go she's like oh I'd like no I got the old ball-and-chain over here I can't go suck down your cigar smoke and lose $90 sorry we you know might we live in Los Angeles California no that's where we live yeah you like it there it's nice right is we don't live in a great neighborhood when I first moved there I was always coming up with ways to make extra money you know I was coming up with schemes cuz it's broke and I just moved to LA and if you're ever in Los Angeles and you need to make money fast a great way to make it is to return lost dogs yes if you see the reward money is insane if you see a loose dog and Los Angeles just grab it just grab the dog it's a the cuter the better they will pay you for it I saw a poster in a coffee shop recently said lost dog reward $5,000 right and then underneath that it said no questions asked I think there's gonna be some questions otherwise I know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna find the first in Ulm I see on the street I'm gonna bring it to these people's like what is that a cat that sounded like a question I was told there wasn't gonna be any so if I get my 5 grand in cash I'm looking to avoid any tax complications you never say they're crazy about their dogs in Lausanne it's gone it's got too far people out the dogs this country it's got a point now where if I don't stop and pet a stranger's dog people take it personally they get upset if you don't pet their duck I was coming home late at night this guy was letting his dog go to the bathroom on the parking strip no leash okay so I see this dude stranger dog no leash I walked wide around as I'm walking around him he yells at me with all this attitude he's like um he's friendly yeah that's how I said it just like that um he's friendly oh you know what maybe I'm not friendly did you ever think about that maybe if it gets too close I'll bite your stupid dog Oh but like I said I my neighborhood not as nice now we have lost pet posters but I was a little weirder like we have a lot of lost Birds in my neighborhood I saw posted a is for a lost parent somebody lost her parrot and it had a picture of the parent so that's great and every I appreciate the effort but I'm not gonna be out here differentiating between loose parrots all right if I see a parrot on these streets that's your parent I'm not gonna be oh no no do you see in the photo the eyes are too close together that's not the same he didn't have the tattoo and the left is not I'm not gonna go into that detail last parent picture the parrot right reward $1,000 yeah $1,000 for a loss pic that's not a beloved family member somebody wants back that's a parent that knows too much that's what that is they put a hit out on that parent their friend is gonna talk move to Los Angeles I had no money was really broke you know as always coming up with ways to make my I stuck I had to get a job so broke I had to get a job at Best Buy and I don't know anything about technology I'm telling you I know I'm the worst and so they put me in the back I was working an inventory at the Hollywood Best Buy and I think it sucks about that you still have to wear the blue shirt you know the blue polo shirt that says please ask me questions and I try to just stay in the back do my job lift the boxes every once why you got to do a carry out I walk through the store of course people gonna stop me like excuse me sir which one of these TVs okay I have the 14 PSL 47 cable with the 18 hexagon cute it's like you know what I know about this TV it's heavy that's what I know it's really really heavy this TV oh yeah this one gave me a hernia so why don't you buy alternative vision over here leave me at home I worked in inventory at the Hollywood Best Buy I was by a longshot the only white dude in my department was just me which is cool but I will tell you they my co-workers treated me differently okay they were too nice you know when people are suspiciously nice like you walk into the room and saw all this in the air kind of changes hey hey Andrew great to see you there pal let me help with those boxes mr. Slater and I was like what is going on around here and I finally figured it out I figured out what was happening they all thought we were on that show Undercover Boss that's what I thought they thought I was the CEO of Best Buy which is you know humbling I'm sure they were wondering why the CEO always needed to ride home Sione's a bus pass maybe it's understand why you look older for my age people like to tell me that all the time at 32 years old people always gets older my whole life people have guessed like five years older than I actually am which I don't know if anybody else has that problem but I don't get upset about it but what I want to know is when did that happen in my life right like at what point does your face shoot out five years ahead of your age this is just a bad year and there somewhere because all I know is you're not born like that right no one's born looking old it's not like my parents were showing me off as an infant like oh ho what is he five no these six months likes six months was he smoked or something he looks awful for baby to keep that little raisin out of a tanning booth I don't know what you're doing there so I gotta be healthier right I've got a that's maybe that's the way to be youthful I got a workout more get in shape a lot of pressure in Los Angeles to be healthy here's the problem because I you know I'd like to lose a couple pounds but every one of America's too fat right we have an obesity epidemic they always say and I know what the problem is it's too expensive to eat healthy right it's more right it's more expensively healthy than it is t an unhealthy like my friends told me here's what you need to do eat organic you'll lose weight if you start eating organic so okay I saved up I went to the Whole Foods right got our organic carrot yeah singular can't price them by their 12 bucks for carrots ridiculous you know embarrassing is take a carrot back from the cash register like oh man thanks changes for an almond Snickers or something I don't know I take the same 12 bucks to McDonald's I can clean out the joint just shut them down for breakfast their Chan my name I'm making it rain with Egg McMuffins I'm amazing at McDonald's with 12 bucks like my favorite food is blueberries right blueberries good sure one giant blueberry fan I love it okay well this is for you so they're good good and good for you however so expensive you ever buy one little tan of blueberries out of season organic you'll go broke they're gone in two seconds but I figure some matter now now every here's the new crazy frozen yogurt everybody loves itself you serve frozen yogurt got them all over by my house this place called Yogurtland right and once you do you get your cup pick out your favorite ice cream you fill it up they got your toppings you power on your toppings they weigh it you pay for it by the pound it's a great deal well blueberries happens to be one of the toppings at this yogurt land and they forgot to make a rule there you have to put frozen yogurt in your cup nobody ever said that yeah that's right so what I do I get the biggest Cup they have I felt up with just blueberries if you're buying blueberries the frozen yogurt prices you're getting a pretty good deal right there it's a very light fruit [Applause] it's like the best farmers market you've ever been to in your life I got a whole drawer full of broken Oreos at home if you guys want to come over just bring over some milk trying to eat healthier sometimes I want to eat healthy like at a restaurant I go out to eat you know I want to eat healthy but I can't even pronounce this what stops me as I can't pronounce the names of the healthy foods on the menu does anybody ever have that anxiety I went out for breakfast and I was gonna get this bowl of granola right and they had this berry in it and the barrier spelled a CAI right so I saw that and I told my friends like I'm gonna have the acai bowl that's what I said yeah and he laughed at me like you did pretentious person yes he laughed I said Andrew it's pronounced acai did you have a stroke what happened what kind of order breakfast what do you not saying that you know it's like a goof on Anders say get him to say that further which I'm not getting it right then like quinoa is good for you like quinoa that's good for you and I can say quinoa no problem however do you ever see it spelled out on a menu right it sucks all your confidence away of how to say that word you're like oh I'll have the Kanoa what that's that's Queen you know what I'll have the acai bowl I'm sorry No acasi well I have the Queen Latifah ball with a you know what's easy to pronounce breakfast burrito my favorite restaurant there's Wendy's oh man it's my weakness I love Wendy's my favorite restaurant you want oh I love Wendy's it's the classiest of all the fast food restaurants makes me feel good a walk in the Wendy's the first thing that guy says to me is is this gonna be for the dining room I was just gonna go sit in one of those smelly booths but if you have like a five-star restaurant back there I'll just grab my biggie coke of my salad spork table for one I guess I didn't make a reservation is this okay what I'm wearing sometimes they give away that they're not that classy at Wendy's one time when twenties and I paid for my meal with a $5 bill and the man behind the counter proceeded to hold the bill up to the light yeah that's what I did I counterfeited a fiver it's all part of my high risk low payoff scheme I'm going to 7-eleven later knocking it off and making away with a take a penny leave a penny Trey it's gonna be brilliant stay tuned now Wendy's is so classy they have an app at Wendy's anybody have though any sad sad people have the Wendy's yeah I wanted to get it okay I love Wendy's I wanted to get the Wendy's app but like I told you I'm bad at technology and I have a iPhone 5 okay it's pretty good for me but I have an iPhone 5 and here's what you need to know about people with eye foot when you have an iPhone 5 that means you have storage issues all right and everything I download on my phone says something about my priorities okay and the question becomes how many pictures of my wife am I willing to delete to download this Wendy's app it's quite the conundrum it's like man my dog in this video looks really cute running on the beach however I need this double stack in my life right now that's the thing I'm trying to be trying to be healthier you know la there's so much presser because I started working at I you know I'd have the laziest work out method ever though I got and this is it the only thing lazier is what I did because I got the Fitbit how many people have the Fitbit anybody yeah you like it I quit the Fitbit how lazy is that I'm not what's this all this walking around I can't be doing that constantly for those you don't know a Fitbit you wearing around your wrist right and it counts your steps I'd have two goals every day my first goal is to get 10,000 steps in a day and my second goal was tell my friends ten thousand times a day how many steps I have left that's how a Fitbit work but I quit the real reason why I quit is because I got sick of the challenges people would challenge me to see you get the most steps in like a weekend and I found out people cheated people cheat you know that there are Fitbit cheaters out there what is the motivation why do people fit it cheats I'm so mad at cameo time why do people cheat at Fitbit this guy here's what he does it's diabolical he takes his Fitbit right he shoves it in a sock okay then he wraps his sock up he puts a sock in his shoe he takes his shoe throws it in the dryer turns it on 45 minutes he's got like sixty thousand steps a day he's winning every contest to work and they can't figure it out it's like bills fatter than ever and his feet smell good this doesn't make no no y-you smell bills feet [Applause] [Music] trying to be more athletic really more of a sports fan you know I'm big Seahawks fan from Seattle Washington anybody yeah big Seahawks fan do you guys wear the jerseys do you like sports fans you wear your Jersey proud yeah I like it some people think it's stupid they're like oh you're gonna wear a Jersey with the name of another man on your back that's so pathetic yeah I don't care I think it's fun but here's where I draw the line I was in Boise Idaho recently and they have a minor league hockey team at Boise Idaho I forget what it's called because why would you remember such a thing so I was walking to my show and this guy is walking to the game and he's wearing a jersey of the minor league hockey team with the name on the back he bought a minor leaguers hockey jersey that's taking it too far okay I you can't first of all you make more money than that dude you can't wear mister like just give him the $40 you spend on that Jersey he'd be way happier wait time for the game give him the 40 bucks and he'll wear a jersey with your name on the back of it he'll be so happy every time I go home I learn something new right here alone last time I went home you can tell exactly how old someone is by how far away they sleep at night from their cellphones so think about that anybody in here under the age of 30 right yeah I know where your phones are when you sleep yeah within arm's reach at all times even on the nightstand you're like an old detective with a gun out of the pillow okay some goes down you're ready to tweet you also snapchat any robbers so hard and put the little doggie tongue on him make his head spin Matt come home again head see my mom you know she's asleep in her room so early in the morning and I see her cell phone and she's in her 50s you know under her cell phones in the kitchen while she sleeps I was like wow I'm 32 that's far that's far away to be from your phone at any one time right now here my grandparents they're in their 80s they got they share a cell phone and they got their very first cell phone recently yes they got their very first cell phone recently and they keep theirs at the Verizon store where they bought it they said every Tuesday we'll take the number-9 bus dropped you off right down there and check the messages what's the big deal good point a brothers of two brothers I have a theory I have an older brother and a younger brother but I have a theory about siblings I think the eldest sibling and every family should make the most money that's what I think yeah the eldest should make the most the next kid should make the next amount and the youngest should make the least because that keeps the power dynamic the same it keeps the relationship together it's how it was when you're growing up right they're in charge to sit all the way down the ladder and here's how it works just so you know here's how it works in my family me and my older brother combined make about forty four thousand dollars a year that's where I'm at I'm a comedian he's a PE teacher we both wasted our education just totally screwed up now my younger brother is an accountant right and he makes like a hundred thousand dollars a year and okay rich people yeah you know you can count all your own money it's amazing when you're accountable but it's because he makes all this money it's ruined our relationship with my brother and we can't hang out anymore because we were awful to this kid growing up we beat him up all the time we never let him play Nintendo never thinking he'd grow up get rich and take out economic sanctions against us because that's what's happened you know what he does he changes his Netflix password yeah on Friday nights he waits til he knows it'll do the most damage yeah it's humiliating me and my wife are here trying we're trying to watch Sherlock because I'm not gonna call this little pissant and beg you know what I want give me the password don't ask me how I'm doing just give it all right Heidi write this down g-e-t a.j oh be it that's clever that's really [Music] I mean I'm not the smartest guy in the world you know but I will say all my friends are dumber than me I have all stupid friends by Ron applause how many people in here have stupid friends now by round of applause how many people are here tonight with their stupid friend anybody so enthusiastic about it all my friends are dumb okay I don't think I have any smart friends when I really think about it but I will say I've studied stupid people okay and I and I figured something out dumb people there here's the unifying characteristic is their favorite thing to do it's ironic but it's true stupid people love comparing themselves to geniuses they do they love it they can't get enough of it dumb people love comparing themselves to genius I had a friend who dropped out of college right it's dumb thing to do and he goes oh yeah well uh Bill Gates dropped out of college ever heard of him yes I've heard of Bill Gates but he was trying to start a billion-dollar software company you thought you were called back by the Bachelorette they did okay it's not the same thing oh well it took Thomas Edison 3,000 tries before you got the light bulb right you have and every time he screw that up he was like writing notes down how to do it better the next time experimenting trying things you try you try your iTunes password wrong the exact same way 17 times in a row and when you can't get in you throw your computer out the window it's not the same the dumbest person to people love comparing themselves with geniuses the dumbest person I ever met I kind of wearing a shirt with a picture of Albert Einstein on it right I have a quote from Albert Einstein it said imagination is more important than knowledge yeah and I was like yes to him Einstein's imagination is more important than his notes cuz he already knows everything you on the other hand don't know anything so your imagination is useless actually you're stupid and you imagine stupid things that's how it works your imagination is like when we're stuck in traffic and you go to me and you go what if everybody just went not like what if we all just stepped on the gas at the same time when there be no traffic I don't know man you know what why don't you try it why are you trying kill me now and get me out of this awful conversation please sometimes my dumb friends they don't even compare themselves to geniuses right they'll compare themselves to great people in general they're great athletes if I have a friend he'll screw something up you know and ago hey man if I went 3 for 10 in the major leagues they put me in the Hall of Fame it's a camp but they're trying to hit 99 mile an hour fast balls all I asked you to do was to pick me up from the airport ok if you go 3 for 10 on airport pickups they put you in the Jackass Hall of Fame that is a horrible airport pickup percentage 300 is not cutting the mustard like I said I'm not the smartest guy in the world I was on a plane recently and I like to pay attention to what people do on planes you know most people pass the time and they like to read a book you know listen to a podcast but I said the oddest thing I was flying a couple of weeks ago and I saw this guy and a big beard and his past time on this plane was to do math yeah now I'm not talking about a Sudoku or like a math worksheet I'm talking about a blank yellow legal pad starting in the upper left hand corner and just in just massing just going complicated equations stuff nobody knows okay and first of all that's suspicious all right I see something I say something that's not right we don't know what that is that can that could be a bomb I don't know how how math works he could be working it out right now first of all bets and secondly it's rude okay it is rude to be that smart in public you can't do that to people like me how am I supposed to enjoy my entertainment options now with you beautiful minding it over here I can't watch clunk foodpanda 3 now it's embarrassing I want to know if he kung fu is the other pandas how the dumbest thing happened to me this ever happened to anybody nobody can beat my dumb guys story I had a I got a text message for my stupid friend and it said have you seen that show small town security it's great now hadn't seen the show and I was busy and I just forgot to text him back happens sometimes right two days go by I get another text from the same idiot and it says I know I love it it was two days later it was out of context and I thought oh maybe he texted the wrong person that happens sometimes y'all so I ignore that one to a couple seconds later I get another text about this [ __ ] it's like oh when that man turned out to be a cop as like who in these four who are you texting right now you're texting the wrong person and that's when he explained it to me the dumbest thing that's ever happened he said oh I saw that text I sent you two days ago I thought that the text you just sent me right now and I was replying to my own text he was texting himself he texted himself using me as a very annoyed conduits which I think we can all agree is a very stupid thing to do right however like anything that dumb there's a little genius in that if you think about it now maybe any single people here tonight sing okay now maybe you meet a cute guy or cute girl after the show you get their number it's exciting you're also nervous you're not sure do i text him right away do i wait a couple days text him right away just fire it off say something like hey you want to go out sometime next week oh but then they ignore you the worst happens right two days go by you haven't heard from them don't worry just send another text sure how about Wednesday the clock they work for you they're trapped congratulations you have a girlfriend yes don't actually try that but like I said me my wife we don't have kids but I do think one of the most beautiful things you're going to see in the world is a parent reading to their children you ever go out in the world see parents taking the time to read the kids it's a lovely thing however there's nothing funnier in the world than when you see a parent mispronouncing words from the children's book have you ever seen that before that will make your afternoon I saw a friend of mine one time and she was like and then the ball ricochetted off the wall no nothing ricochetted actually can I say something there am I allowed to speak up or there a number I can call the prevent SAT disasters from happening it actually reminded me of a few years ago I was in Boston with my dad and we were walking through the park the big Park Boston Common and if you ever go there they have these duck statutes okay and he sees them and he stops he goes Oh Andrew these are the ducklings from that book I was like what book he said make way for ducklings that story used to read you every night before you went to sleep then I was like I don't remember that so yes you wouldn't sleep until I read you this story make way for ducklings and I was like I have no idea what you're talking about dad and that's my point here tonight if you guys take anything away from this show please just remember reading to your children is a waste of time they won't they're not going to remember in fact the only thing you might do is pass down your mispronunciations of words and trust me you do not want that weighing on your conscience it's a terrible bird on you'll never be able to order Quinto at a restaurant where we're going now I moved to Los Angeles about six years ago okay and like I said earlier I was trying everything to make money make you know ends me and one thing everyone suggested me is like hey you should be an extra you know there's people in the background of movies or TV shows when you do that you get a hundred bucks for the day you get free lunch and I thought cool I'll do that five days a week five hundred bucks a week free lunch that's it that's it I'm rolling that's fine I'll retire fifty-five American dream right well here's the problem too good to be true they never called me for it they didn't have two years went by they I didn't hear from him once apparently they had enough six-foot pudgy white dudes in the background of things already they didn't need anymore so but finally one day I get a phone call right hadn't heard from two years I get a phone call and they and they say are you available I said yes yes I'm available hang up the phone and then I remember the Seahawks are putting the 49ers the next day on Thursday Night Football now I'm a big fan I didn't want to miss the game so I called him back and I said hey I left a voicemail said hey I'm really sorry but my grandfather just passed away I can't oh I know and I always feel the judgment I get maybe in Utah you don't use the dead grandma excuse but let me tell you something I've used it 17 times now in my life and every time I do she just gets stronger like she always I'm telling she pulls out of something I think she's living off the spite of it at this point so now here's the weird part of the story I make my excuse I figure it's over right they call me back they don't need me for two years they call me back they're like hey we need you you said you could do this well pay you double if you show up like oh my grandma just woke up turns out she's asleep let me sleep or old grandma I'll be there so now I go right and they don't tell you what it is ahead of time they keep it like a big secret so I'm walking I don't know what I'm doing and they're very rude to you extras are the bottom of the totem pole so they have no patience for you and I walk in and and meet they're like who are you supposed to be I'm sorry I'm Andrew nice to meet you like no who are you supposed to be well I'm supposed to be a comedian but to be honest opinion not going that good so that's why I'm here who are you supposed to be like I don't know fine someone said he's leo I was like who Leonardo DiCaprio you're the Great Gatsby I'm like wait I'm Leonardo DiCaprio they're like yeah it's like well then why y'all making eye contact with me right now what's up the kale Caesar salad and a 22 year old supermodel stat but they didn't give me that stuff because I wasn't really Leonardo DiCaprio and I was was a stand-in I was supposed to stand in you know and pretend to be Leonardo DiCaprio while they reshot the scenes for the real Tobey Maguire for that movie The Great Gatsby which I don't know did you guys ever see that movie anybody yeah and to be honest with you guys see some skeptical faces out there like I saw that movie I don't recognize you you don't look nothing like Leonardo DiCaprio okay but what about now yes that's the mostly in order to Caprio back of the head in the business they pay double I can do any Leo movie Brooke this is Titanic right now Titanic well wolf of Wall Street isn't that incredible so now I got to do it right they dressed me up they put the you know put the suit on me they cut my hair to look like the back of his head you know but like I said they're rude because he puts this watch on me and the guy goes that's the most expensive watch you're ever gonna wear Wow okay well now it's the most expensive watch you're ever gonna have stolen from you so congrats on that I put in the old false address back there good look funny two things two takeaways from because we do the whole thing now everybody there was a stand-in like me we're all pretending to be actors except for tub and wire and there was a girl there she was standing in as the Jordan character in the movie and I thought she's really cute you know so I stole her information off the call sheet yeah that's a good move asked her out and that's how I met my wife [Applause] everyone always asks a true story and the second thing that happened was now my friends refer to me as the great fats piece so there's a good and a bad to every fairy tale [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,760,784

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Andrew Sleighter, Andrew Sleighter Dry Bar Comedy, Andrew Sleighter Comedian, Andrew Sleighter Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, clean stand up comedy full show, clean stand up comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, older parents, frozen milk, ice pack, crazy parents, dbc, stand up, how to make money, gatsby

Id: QSKOPTiwhe0

Length: 39min 15sec (2355 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 15 2020