Don't Teach Your Grandma How To Text. Tim Wilkins - Full Special

doesn't do anything neither do you I'm not good with any technology phones I need them but the one thing I don't need is a new phone every few months and my kids are always about that I need a new phone it's my daughter I needed him what's wrong with the phone you have it doesn't do anything neither do you you go in the iPhone store they're always on you well you got to get the new phone all right what was it do woods iPhone 10 how much is it a thousand dollars said dude at this point in my life I don't need anything expensive called X some people got that was us some people I haven't been to Rome I don't know you said 10 a minute ago you change the joke I remember the first time one of my kids wanted to phone it was my son they always put him up to it he's the oldest and he came rolling in the cave that I need a bone what do you need a phone for Matt so we could talk do we don't talk now when we do it's not a conversation I want to pay for talking hims like talking to Stallone in Rocky he comes home from school how's your day buddy whoo the house you hungry you got homework don't you I remember the first phone we got for everybody everybody got a phone and and I didn't know you needed a data plan cuz it oh just get a phone and there's like family plans now back then it was ten sends a text and they don't even look at the key cyclically it's all day the message comes in message goes out we're getting charged for every message first bill fourteen thousand texts yeah at ten cents a text anybody see Rain Man want to figure that one out yeah fourteen thousand ten cents $1,400 definitely a lot of money man and these things are constantly going back and forth in my like kids want want the latest and greatest and it's it's a phone it's all it does no no it does more than that it takes pictures they don't even send full messages it's K and sup and see you the number two later that's if I'm lucky the other day I got a message with all caps for my daughter all caps which means she's yelling at me I don't you better lower your case with me Missy I'm lucky now if I get words it's mostly emojis in the other day I don't like because you know five thousand years to develop a language now we're back to hieroglyphics and now I gotta get my reading glasses to figure out what honey I'm getting a message for upstairs bring my glasses all right she sent lips and a donkey apparently she's out of makeup and needs a ride to Bethlehem they taught my mom had a text too which is hilarious because she thought there was a Hershey's kiss emoji and she replaced it in the messages to the kids and I hear a scream in the bedroom man I just sent me hugs and poops it's kind of nasty how it is great to be here and for the record he didn't mention I just got back from working at Caesars thank you pace yourself actually wasn't even the big Caesars it was the Little Caesars Pizza Pizza I flew in and flying it scared me more by the day and it's not the threat of terrorism or bad weather every couple days now I see on the news they're finding the pilots have been drinking and you know as soon as they come on the loudspeaker that your flight is in danger and my flight the other day I know it was a bad night for these guys [Music] good morning ladies and gentlemen this is your pilot Captain Morgan help me out on the flight deck today's first officer Jim Beam we're currently flying at 30,000 feet and we'll be taking off shortly that's not cool so my name is Tim Wilkins rough as a kid everybody calls you Timmy and there were no cool Timmy's in the 70s you're either in a well or on crutches there's no good Timmy you had a dog but he was looking for you there's still no cool Timmy's you don't watch a movie with evil bring it in men it's a fourth and one game on the line blast shot for the championship let's put in Timmy never happened never maybe BYU that is all maybe that's your only chance yeah 70s was interesting and now forties I started lying about my age but I have a system I lie up people ask how old are you 72 dude you look good to me it's the stupid people that light down oh I'm 29 you look terrible take a nap hit a certain age you start wandering into rooms and forgetting why you went in - what am i doing in the shower holding a pot roast pretty certain I shouldn't be naked around food and somewhere there's a bar soap in a crock pot I was in getting my hair cut the other day the girl has been doing my hair for years goes want me to trim up your ears while you're in like oh no just brush them off like you always do she goes oh no that's attached then bring in a team of goats I don't care it's nasty oh and while we're at it you're you're thinning in a spot this will comb it around or something she goes no no it's not a big deal but when you get home start taking some B vitamins biotin it's good for hair and nails I started about three weeks ago it's going great just not on my head my ears or nose are going great right about now it's which is gonna be a fun comb-over when the time comes I'll do anything at this point when it gets bad man I'm gonna go buy it and Rogaine chia seeds I don't care you see me walking down Centre Street with a big green afro you know what the deal is and uh I don't like a lot of things now is you you start to the technology starts to pass you up my family got me Alexa for Christmas they know I don't like technological things they got me Alexa and now series jealous down neither one of them are talking to me like Siri what's the weather why don't you ask Alexa man this is like high school all over again so if technically high school was 32 years ago according to WebMD here in the last third of your life by the way don't go on WebMD there are no small diseases on WebMD you go on for a head cold and it's some kind of flu that they discovered somewhere I had a sore foot I didn't even know I walked into a table and forgot I looked up sore foot it said I had Thole oh that doesn't even exist WebMD made that up to scare me and self diagnosing is embarrassing the other day wife walks and I'm laid across the desk using the mouse for an ultrasound she was what are you doing googling myself hand me that jelly I found a lump I'm about to scroll down nasty one of my buddies that got the Alexie's got the dots there's no what those are the little mobile units they have in the rooms he put one in his bathroom so do check this out you could order toilet paper an Alexa ordered toilet paper in two hours drones will drop it off I said that's cool for you but that's how terminator starts you're too lazy to do that penguin walk through your house and find your own toilet paper or stick that creepy arm out the bathroom door somebody hand me some little little hint if she warts negra bangs on your bathroom door he's come back in time go with him do it now blue coupons I'm the Y Pineda here to save you do it hi people ask me to do your banking online he pay your bills I would have recommence the change every websites different like Oh first ones for letters and excellence portlanders and a number the next ones upper case lower numbered symbol that's algebra I sucked at that thirty years ago you try three times you get locked out I can't remember the answer to the security question I'm on the phone with mom in the middle of a night going what was the name of the dog before Tuffy the first thing that really be the big mistake I made we had keyless entry on a car and I locked my baby in the car because I thought I remembered the code and I was throwing that door shut to walk around the other side and get in the car and I put the keys on the front seat threw him in the back seat that even it lock him in his seat yet and the whole world went in slow motion all at once and I see the keys at the Sun his eyes through the window clean clean clean clean and the door no pulling it back I'm thinking okay be cool he's in there he's not locked in he could open the door if he wanted to I pay as well had a chimp locked in there that boy like dude I locked the door for daddy [Music] he's throwing poo at the window you gotta understand computers everything is run by him even the bathrooms now you go in an average bathroom though the one at my gym has an air freshener now that's motion sensor I didn't know his motion sensor I just walk in one day and here's the heck is that my buddy goes oh it's an air freshener why is it going off when I walk by goes oh it's on a motion sensor he walks by nothing what maybe it's on a timer you walk by again I'll watch my watch nothing I said it doesn't like me yeah in an inanimate object it can't be I walk by it's me the sinks everything's laser-guided and computerized they still don't work after 25 years you go sink to sink like you're panning for gold to wash your hands you find one that works you got to remember the soak that worked and go back over there and hope that goes back again they got the jet things for the towel for the hand now and you got to figure out if it goes under it wedges in like it's a bad game of operation and if you touch the sides that's nasty I got a wash again which anything we have now is still infinitely better than when we had his kids which was a towel on a rope on a roll that was just a loop of towel it wasn't 500 yards of clean towel it was the same towel going around we were so basic we were so dumb Oh new towel there was no monkeys and they're cleaning it there's my handprint there it goes again now these things have jet engines they still don't work all they do is show you how old your hands about you're looking at ago there are white caps in my skin look how loose my hands have gotten the toilet still don't work you end up duck in and out pretending you're somebody new waving your foot around in front of it when do they flush go to sit down they'll flush for you get that splashy splashy on your business it sucks in that toilet paper nests took a half an hour to build you got a relay that burns that different you know if there's one strip and the water catches it I'm gonna paper-mache the nest this time you can't stop me the water a little sticky sticky that's how you make Adobe I'm safe so nasty this is the stuff that keeps me up at night that and nine trips to the bathroom oh that is the worst when your bathroom trips in the middle that I'd become movie times I'm going at 1:32 45 315 445 and if I don't remember lift to see the special showing at 3d in 645 I'm always open to people's ideas of how to actually sleep through the night one night when you lady yells out warm milk I tried it forgot I was lactose intolerant awake and gassy is not fun let me share that with you somebody when I yelled out white noise how anyone can sleep with Eminem play and I have no idea so glad you got that I live in Florida they never get that joke I can't eat candy late at night either the M&Ms just Jack me out oh I know they're shady they're real shaded now white noise is one of those machines that makes the sounds of nature like a waterfall or the ocean or a rainstorm which is awesome when you have a problem go to the bathroom in the middle night that's what you want in your ear all night so much fun that happened then I started snoring and got restless-leg at some point as a man you go from even remotely sexy to like a machine that makes candy and Willy Wonka's chocolate factory gee honey where does romantic as we used to be I don't know why it's the worst the poor thing and I've got the perfect wife and she actually she's so sweet just after she finishes making that pillow barrier between us and just before she puts in that last ear plug and I got her at the gun range she will look at me with no anger and no hate in her face and look up ago anything else you want to say before I put this last year plug in she's so cool there's no young pretty people cuddling thoughts like when we get married we're gonna cuddle all night wake up in each other's arms with perfect breath and good hair she knows that we're gonna cuddle for like five minutes and then we have to push apart because if we fall asleep touching at all we're gonna have a hot flash and wake up in a puddle and that is the worst thing like wake up and go oh my ankles wet how the feet sweat my ankle is sweaty and I I did not want to go down like I said no I'm still got it I'm gonna fix this I'm going to the doctor doc says it's not a big deal man you just will do a sleep study and we'll figure out what the problem is they said what could it be goes you might have sleep apnea I said what's that he goes won't you just stop breathing in your sleep and you could die Michael that's not a big deal it was know something big a deal I said actually it sounds pretty good if you talk about it it's uh it's one of two ways I could go either I could go peacefully in my sleep or she could put it over my face and I really wouldn't blame her at all so I went in for the sleep study which is always fun and I don't like the doctor I don't like the whole process I don't like the attitude at the place where you go with the people we need you here early third we need you here early what so a doctor can be an hour late while I sit out there with real sick people because you know there's a real you go in for a sore shoulder there's somebody with a cold and the flu and the plague and Ebola then they put you in a room with magazines that you know have the start of the virus for the walking dead those things are nasty we wanted to be there so early for she goes for the privacy paperwork we're very concerned about your privacy sir so I fill it out I'm waiting 25 more minutes she comes out from behind the counter goes is there a Tim Wilkins here is there a Tim Wilkins who's here for nighttime incontinence Tim well good social security number five six four seven three my privacy not easy you guys I hope you're always cool I hope you always have like some semblance of hip cuz I'm grasping at this point trying to listen to thrashy music my kids found my playlists they freaked out dude what is this music are you a biker when we're not with you oh yeah I'm I'm in the dads of anarchy that's what I've been we get motorcycles we meet up at rest stops on Sunday and take turns I could never be a biker I have no balance can't balance a two wheeler and way too late in life too had dad teach me we're running down the street holding the back of my Harley you can do it let go shift kick it put on Leonard Skynyrd I don't know and I'm Way too young to be at Riker those old guys on the three wheelers they always have the full beard they go full Santa you know they do got a trainer last year to try and keep cool he's one of those little CrossFit people with the square heads and the pointy beards you can either be a Viking or a garden gnome you're not sure I get nervous about the workout I called up I said all right man what are we doing today he said just come in we're gonna flip tires I said are you kidding I got triple-a we call now they'll be here by the time I get there they can flip them there's an app we can track their progress my kids are in a fun age right now my son walks in the other day all bowed up dude I can't wait till I move out I said man I have not blocking the door [Laughter] matter of fact I'm like Southwest Airlines you are free to move about the country I said that one of my buddies goes you know what man you say that but our last kid just moved out I don't know what we'll do really I have a list he said that's funny now but you'll be lonely too if I ever find myself longing for the feeling of a teenager looking at me like I'm goofy and asking for money I'll go to Starbucks they're always mad at me because I don't or order coffee in the right order in their language and the other day I walk in they go alright dude give me a medium coffee goes but it's not a medium sir it's a grande said I'm sorry I offended you Zack with three K's would your if you're following is not Zack it's caca apparently we ran out of names from the Bible we moved to be in password-protected anyway so I'm ordering my coffee I go all right I just just give me two give me the size you just said he said sake wrong day said No I said give me the size in the middle what size is that I said alright dude here's what we're gonna do I'm gonna hold up three fingers you point to the one that's grande I got my coffee what I don't like is the coffee shaming like they look at you even when they give you the coffee like there's something wrong with you and the girl the other day is I have a grande skinny latte for Timmy so that is not the name I gave I know oh and by the way I works your doctor's office he shot publishing to be drinking this late at nights [Laughter] coffee people oh I can't wait till my kids get out get some experience and a little money management my son we're going around the table last year Thanksgiving asking her to what they're happy for blast grateful proud his hands the first one up pretty stoked I saved up 160 bucks like sweet man what are you gonna buy a tire start a hedge fund how do you leverage that kind of coin hey guys I'm gonna get a tattoo all right what are you gonna get let me get a bravery band when the heck is that it's one of those tribal chicken wire deals around the arm which is gonna look awesome on the 14-inch biceps with my redheaded son sweet what tribe are you in ed sheeran what do you got going on [Music] like a bravery Brad what is that he goes it denotes bravery I gathered that from the title but you haven't done anything in your life to denote bravery bravery would start with moving out of the house why don't you get like a tattoo of a nightlight with the Chinese symbol for empty the dishwasher do you like cleaning on one side and dirty on the other like load/unload he was all mad I was breaking his chops like man you never support me of my decisions you start making some good ones I'll get on that train I know the calls that are coming when he moves out I can't wait hey Dad how's it going hey uh I just got a bill for water could they do that yeah ma'am okay what should I do well if you're gonna pay it online I'd brush up on your algebra Christmas rolls around we finished Christmas dinner presents are open they're out the door they want to go see a movie they're almost to the door they spin around go yeah we have some money for the movie and sweet man I pull out of 20 they go we want to see the movie well how much do you need $80 so I don't want to produce the movie I just want you to go watch it 80 bucks we need to $80 for he said woods 3d there's five of us the tickets are 16 bucks apiece then you're not gonna see a 3d movie today we're gonna do we're gonna rent a movie you will put on Nana's glasses from her cataract surgery [Laughter] and I'll throw stuff at you there's your 3d movie jack it'll be like the matrix world he goes at least give us money for snacks do you just have a big dinner we'll do that we'll stop off somewhere maybe 7-eleven or something we'll get some stuff you could stuff in your pockets like we did as kids try not to gunch when you walk in you do that flatfoot walk put some sodas and your sisters purses you want popcorn carry a microwave man up find a plug into your trophy not that I would have been there they didn't even invite me I would pay for the whole thing if they would have invited me they did they don't be seen with me little hurtful I gotta wake up not too long ago my my boy wakes me up was hey Dad ride with me to school dude I don't go to your school no yeah just drive me there and drop me off we're almost there it was you just stop here and let me out buddy the school's right there we're in the line yeah everybody gets dropped off here I don't see anybody get dropped up we're early no we're not and then he gave me the line I knew he was putting me together he goes yeah I know your time is very valuable 6:15 no coffee no breakfast pajama pants you don't wanna be seen with me oh and all that all right well tell you what I'm gonna do I'm gonna drive you to school then I'm gonna walk you to class then I'm gonna kiss you good-bye on the mouth which is awesome when there's six for daddy loves you here my little fellow now you get your bravery man to check you talk about bravery kiss dad on the mouth senior year check that out a little more traumatic for me this year was close shopping with my daughter for school we're finished so I think is he need anything else backpack pencils anything there's no it's everything except for socks and underwear like sweet Target Walmart where do you get your britches nowadays yeah Victoria's Secrets I said oh no no no no we're not going there there are no days of the week panties at the Victoria's Secret it's always Saturday night in Victoria's Secret they I'm buying them you're getting seven pairs on Monday morning the factory worker panties the ones that could be panties or hairnet panties or hairnet the ones that if you were to throw them at somebody on stage they just open up like a parachute and Kareem down she goes if you're embarrassed just give me your card I said [ __ ] it it's not gonna be me who's embarrassed oh no no I'm gonna be the one over there playing around in the panty pile trying to embarrass you out of this joint - oh my goodness people will floss their teeth in their country but there were these things check me out I'm a pirate and whatever you do don't drop those tiny panties like oh no nobody move it was like a contact lens I need my readers and the tweezers they've meshed in with the carpet pattern they have no idea the electronic trail they leave everywhere on the phone on the computer all day they don't realize there's little footprints everywhere sometimes easy to follow I go to bed the other night do the things that dads do turn off all the lights but the thermostat back where it goes close the cabinets go to sleep at 11:30 wake up at 7:00 in the morning there's a Taco Bell bag on my counter my boy comes in cracking new was a you go out last night no Taco Bell bags I don't know nothing about that really I went on your bank accounts a charge for Taco Bell somebody must have stolen my card so somebody broke into my house last night found your wallet took your ATM card cracked your PIN code spent $3 broke back into the house replace the card undetected left trash on the counter what do you think of that crime dude slipped up dude slipped up yeah very funny I got an awesome wife which is horrible for a comedy it's really cool actually she actually frustrates the kids how cool she is with me she is so encouraging and likes everything I do and the kids come in today where's my report card it was on the fridge dad got a paycheck it's going on the fridge your dad's a comedian if he gets a paycheck it's going on the fridge I had all A's he got a comma in this check lower the bar with your father lower the bar she got she got us a couples massage not too long ago which sounded really romantic on the website but it turned out to be a way to ruin a good massage because now you're uncomfortable because you're in there next to each other and the lady at one point leans in it goes how does that feel so she is right there I will tell you later don't be creepy a massage is weird to me anyway you go in that little room and you stick your face in the hole and the butcher paper they got a waterfall in there supposed to relax you and now you gotta go to the bathroom every five minutes and I hope this massage is over at 1:45 2:15 2:30 there's that music that's not really music it's like a mix between animals dying and some hippie blowing in a beer bottle that spa salon music what are you summoning the wood nymphs what is that horrible music then there's that smell every spa salon some of the doctors they put it in planes now you hit that smell and I go oh what is that that it's not a smell sir that is the Roman therapy I said it's a smell when I'm face down in that hole with it smashing at my mouth what does that smell she goes when I get massage I burn sage because it opens up your chakras any idea what a chakra is bro I had no clue I just figure if I've never heard of him I'd never cleaned him kind of coin I'm paying for this massage lube oil and filter my chakras on I get this going clean him out and then she did that thing that always freaks me out doctors offices wherever it is she put that first round of goo on her hands to hear that horrible sound they quietly yeah it made me freak out so I kind of popped up out of the face hole and when I did I saw something that I didn't see before I saw the candlelight glimmering across her bare feet and apparently I missed the point that she kicked off her Birkenstocks or Tom's or whatever shoes you can buy in the apparel section of Whole Foods [Music] whatever she took her Prius to they were kicked off and put in there and I said what's up with the bare feet she uh when I get massage I take off my shoes and socks to connect with the energy of Mother Earth bring it up through my body through my hands and give it to you as a gift I said I'm pretty sure that's the smell I've been picking up once you throw another log of sage on the fire they're a moonbeam thank you so much you've been amazing [Applause] you [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 860,365

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Tim Wilkins, Tim Wilkins Dry Bar Comedy, Tim Wilkins Comedian, Tim Wilkins Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, new phone, iphone, iphone plan, password protected, computers, texting, grandma, dbc

Id: p6kbu1laeCU

Length: 35min 10sec (2110 seconds)

Published: Sat May 02 2020