Honor Your Wife. Jeff Allen - Full Special

but if you've been married more than a week you know what i'm talking about they're great to be back i got to tell you i've been married to my wife tammy for 33 consecutive years [Music] [Applause] thank you and when you've been with a person that long you learn to trust their instincts so when she said to me a while back you need to get diagnosed now so for what i feel fine she said that attention deficit stuff i know you got it and it's driving me insane so i said why now she goes what do you mean why now i said well if i got attention deficit i've had it for 60 years i've had it my whole life it's not a virus you can't catch it on a toilet seat it's not like you go to the bathroom in a mall and you come out two days later and you go boy i'm so distracted where did that come from i don't know so why are you bothered about it now she said because you keep telling me you'll do things around this house and you don't do them and it's driving me nuts that's not attention deficit that's passive aggressive and i've had that for 63 years but i honored my wife because that's what a man does sir that's right you do right you honor your wife i went and got diagnosed i spent an hour with a psychologist after an hour it turns out i'm not only do i have attention deficit i'm also a functioning hypochondriac functioning i'm not clinical those people are sick but this is how god protects his children it's my adhd that keeps my hypochondria functional in those days i've convinced myself i need an ambulance by the time i get to the phone to call one i'm a distracted four or five times i usually wind up in the kitchen i got a telephone i can't remember why i got a telephone and that's when i ordered the pizza my kids loved me dad's dying again really pepperoni pops and tammy tammy mocks me she does she makes we'll be laying in bed watching discovery channel with some strange new disease not four minutes into it she leans over you got it yet thinking about it well it's a nodule i can have nodules i don't even know the nodule oh boy i'm feeling nauseally all of a sudden that's when the kids are yelling breadsticks shut up you punks i could die on you she's taking an over an over interest in my health she really did a few years back i had a physical i was 60 i had a physical normal thing full-blown physical take seven a day seven to ten days to get the results so i'm on the road she calls me up she goes the doctor's office just called about your physical so i said what'd they say she said i'll paraphrase doctor said if you were part of a wildebeest herd the lions would be circling you right now i don't even know what that means she says you're old your heart's gonna blow up and you're to make me a widow because you don't do anything you don't move you don't do anything so she went out and she bought two fitbits two one for me one for her to monitor my my entire movement that was a hope she signed online to be my friend i didn't even know what that entailed until like turns out they can monitor your life she caught me in a lie that's my point she i lie to my wife i'm not not often but if you've been married more than a week you know what i'm talking about there are just conversations i don't want to have with and one of them is about my health i'm telling you she called i'm i'm on the road i'm in a hotel room one o'clock in the afternoon i have not left the hotel room one in the afternoon phone rings i see it's her and i know she's gonna ask me what'd you do today and if i say nothing she's gonna give me the whole widow argument your heart's gonna blow up you're gonna die you're gonna leave me alone so phone rings sure enough first question she asked what you do today and i i told her well i got up i walked the mall came back had some breakfast she goes short walk you've only taken 91 steps all day how do you know that she goes i'm your friend i go well not anymore you're not [Music] i did learn something that day four trips to a commode at a holiday inn express 91 steps that's right every day's a learning day folks these fitbits i don't know if anybody has one they monitor your entire life they actually tell me how many times i get up in the middle of the night and use the restroom apparently i wasn't giving up enough of my privacy to ample google in the government and then my wife sends me text messages based on that information you're up five times last night jeff why are you so restless well brandon angelina split up who can sleep and if that isn't i'm watching golf channel 10 in the morning two in the afternoon i get a text message from my wife are you dead you've taken 78 steps in four hours most of us because my foot fell asleep and i was banging him on the floor that shakes woman leave me alone so i looked for shortcuts just to get her off my back and i found out you don't even have to move to rack up steps on fitbit you just sit in your chair move your arm up and down look at me folks i'm running a 5k right in front of you so two weeks after the doctor tells me my heart's going to blow up and i'm going to make my wife a widow she comes downstairs all excited and she says to me i was thinking jeff i was thinking that's what are you married sir you know when your wife says she was thinking all the air in your body goes right out doesn't it cause what she was thinking about is something she's going to want you to do you're not going to want to do it but you're not a man anymore now are you in a minute neither am i so i've come up with a line of men's cologne for people like me i'm calling it acquiescence it's for real men who know when to comply so i asked my wife what was you thinking about that's what i said to her what was you thinking about she said i was thinking about what the doctor said we have to do something aerobically i said i don't think he said we i think he said me and she said no i think we should do something that's fun together that's not exercise something fun i said well what'd you have in mind since you were thinking about it she says to me i always that's the word she used sir always wanted to learn how to ski always we've been married 33 years the first i've heard of the skiing fetish to my knowledge we've watched seven winter olympics together as man and wife never once while lindsey vonn was sipping down the slopes did my wife lean over and go whoa i really want to learn how to do that i figured it out i'm not taking up the sport that killed sonny bono at my age you want the insurance money you can poison me like otherwise i'll get a meal out of it kidding me i tried skiing when i was in my 20s and i was coordinated i got knocked unconscious by the chairlift what more sign from god do you need and if that wasn't humiliating enough the insurance company wouldn't cover my head injury guy called me up at home and said you got hit in the head with a chairlift i said yes sir he goes well that makes you a [ __ ] and we consider that a pre-existing condition they had me so my 60th birthday rolls around that's a big one sir 6-0 waiting for my gift 6-0 birthday gift she buys me 12 hours with a personal trainer named todd hi jeff i'm two percent body fat todd well hey two percent i'm 80 flabby jeff how you doing first question asked me how long has it been since i had an exercise program well let me ponder that one taro it's going to take a while to do the math here i'm 60. well 60 years nine months didn't take that long at all to be honest with you todd i haven't moved with any purpose since i won the race at conception i don't want to brag but i ran 3 billion that morning still exhausted undaunted by my response todd says well we'll start you out slow that's what he said we'll start you out slow so i slept with ankle weights on the first couple of months that was you know when you get up and use the bathroom as many times as i do in the middle of the night you burn some calories you know what we would all exercise everybody on planet earth would exercise if the weight we gained was in a different place on our bodies think about where we gain weight our stomachs and our behinds it's never in our way a couple pounds on your forehead would get you to a gym i can't see nothing they're gonna take my license away from me tammy's dieting now that means i'm dieting that's the rules because i mean i said you honor your wife that she wants to die and i'm dieting she's on keto now we've tried paleo we've tried atkins now we're on keto she wants to get into ketosis that's fine with me i got cookies in my office in the basement i was handing out cookies to my grandchildren one day one of you will betray me yeah my grandson is it me papa is it me it is you you little punk those crumbs off your lips so i'm unpacking the groceries after the big keto buy tammy went out and bought a bunch of groceries for keto and i'm unpacking i'm gonna come across rice cakes never had a rice cake in our home don't know what a rice cake is never eaten one all i see is the word cake and i call her out on it i go baby i thought cake was a no-no with the keto and she says no that's for our cheat day apparently on tino you get to cheat one day awake cool is that so a few days went by and i'm ready for my cheat day and i remember sir we have cake i ran to the pantry i pulled one out i pulled a cake rice cake out of the package i'm feeling it it kind of feels like a brake pad you know [Music] but it's cake how bad can it be oh i took a bite and never made it to my throat i said baby these are stale she says no that's the way they are i go this isn't cake it's caulk it's not food it's insulation who are these people kidding i threw the rest of them to our three dogs i go you eat these things and our dogs scarfed them right up hour later went my front yard and passed the thermos [Music] got a yard full of yetis out there i'm telling you i can't keep up with the food anymore anyway gmo non-gmo you know we had food didn't we sir we had food that's when we were growing up food and you ate it because kids were starving in china that's all you know eat that there's a kid in china starving oh it's not getting my food now it's gmo non-gmo organic non-organic gluten gluten free kale i never saw kale in my life until tammy went on keto now it's ubiquitous it's all over my house you can't put enough ranch dressing on kale to make it taste good oh and then one night she makes kale chips you know what kale chips are sir it's kale leaves on a cookie sheet burned in the oven at 400 degrees they say she pulls out this smoldering heap of weeds she throws them on my plate i go what are these she said kale chips i go it's a brush fire what are you doing this isn't food i tried to give him to my dog my dog goes no way man a dog my dog eats the cat litter what does that tell you it's awful yeah boy and then my son married a uh hippie girl he married a hippie a minnesota granola cruncher and uh we love her to death we really do but we have butted heads more than once about diet first of all she makes a list of things we're not allowed we're not allowed to feed our grandchildren are you kidding me they're my grandchildren i'm going to give them whatever they want if they want a silo full of sugar i'm going to pull them in and just throw them in it go [Music] there's a ahead on the bottom eat your way all the way out there are you kidding me my son my youngest boy when he was born we didn't give him sugar we didn't he was two three years old never had anything but plain cheerios every day for bread plain we didn't even put bananas in it we just eat plain cheerios and he ate them up loved them the first time i visited my mother i went out to the golf course with my dad i come back my three-year-old son who never had sugar in his life is up to his neck in a jethro bodine bowl full of cocoa puffs [Music] he looked at me like i betrayed him you lied to me and that was it he never ate a cheerio again [Music] so i got grandkids and i'm doing the same thing to mine just eat this this my daughter lost is no way then she gives us a list of things we can feed our granddaughters you know what's on the list non-gmo organic fruit roll-ups have you seen a fruit you could patch a flat bicycle tire with a freeway i can't imagine what this thing is doing or a four-year colon as it's dipping through there my daughter-in-law says well they're made with real fruit i said well so is real fruit made with real fruit that's not on the list she says because you and your wife buy the wrong kind of fruit i said well do we buy the fruit that hangs on trees what what other kind of fruit is she goes non-gmo organic i said i'm not spending 12 bucks for a banana she can eat what we eat she said no she can't because it has pesticides my daughter-in-law is afraid of pesticides are you kidding america i grew up and i'm telling my mother used to give me a puddle of mercury to play with on the kitchen table here jeff play with this puddle of toxic waste with this lead paint chip i got for you play around in that for a while then she'd come by scraping into my tuna and i'd eat it for lunch and now i can't get peanuts on an airplane anymore because little joey's six rows back might get some peanut dust on his elbow and drop dead will someone tell me where all these peanut allergies came from you're about my age you even remember one kid with a peanut not one now the ubiquitous i'm telling you terrorists do not need to blow up any buildings they need to take over a planter's factory in crop dust atlanta that's it they'd wipe out a third of the millennial population and if you have a peanut allergy don't send me an email you don't know what it's like i need disgusting drop dead all you need my father used to give my brother and i food my sisters didn't have to eat he called it man food it was sardines in a can and he said i said i'm not eating this he said it'll put hair on your chest i'm eight years old that a good thing he said every man wants hair in his chest boy really yeah who knew in the 21st century all the men would be waxing all the hair off their chest i want to meet the first man that ripped the hair out of his chest i really do because i'm gonna punch him right in the face in a christian loving way of course tammy says to me about a year ago she goes i want you to look into the waxing thing that's what she said sir i want you to look into the waxing thing i honored my wife i looked into the waxing thing came back and told her get used to the pelt it's not going anywhere are you kidding me if we lost our minds as a culture we spent billions of dollars to have somebody rip the hair out of our body by the root that hurts but we won't let our federal government drip water on the faces of terrorists i think the cia needs to open up some spas around the world [Music] you know ahmed before we send you back to the battlefield as part of the new western civilization catch and release program you're in luck the u.s government's going to clean you up today my man those 72 maidens you're dying to lay with in the next life they don't want to lay next to a throw rug so get in the van my rehearsal little friend we're going to the mall it's just a thought so full disclosure i got waxed [Music] tammy kept pushing it pushing and pushing she finally said the magic words she said i think it would be sexy on you look at my wife and i've been married 33 years sexy is not a word often used in our home our idea of sexting is we send pictures of desserts to each other on our cell phones i'll get it back from her is that a six layered carrot cake so i don't care what it is but my wife said to me you know a face tattoo would be sexy i'm getting it done that's all i'm saying [Music] there are three billion women that inhabit planet earth i only care if one of those women thinks i'm sex that's it her so i made the decision when she leaves town i was going to surprise her i said i'm going to get waxed i got on the google i looked up the waxy people found me chell it's mitchell don't make the mistake of calling her michelle apparently i hit a sore spot so mitchell gets me all ready to go lathered up got a piece of tape there she says you're ready i said yeah you know she goes i've never had that happen i tried to scream and nothing came out gotta figure there were dogs two blocks away going sounds like another man's getting a wax job [Music] with michelle [Music] that hurts so bad i'm telling you i and then she starts to put another piece of tape on me and i can't i ended up tapping out like a wrestler and then i found my voice i said no get away from me you sick woman don't touch me ouch [Music] that's what i wanted to say when i couldn't [Laughter] i was going to quit i really was i was going to leave and i looked in the mirror and i had this white strip it looked like a name tag with no name on it it was just and all these weeds around it [Music] so if you're locked in i couldn't stop anyway she just says i could take my time i go don't take it just get it over with she cleans me up i look in the mirror i was pink sir i was pink i was raw pink i look like a flabby piece of bazooka bubblegum and all i can think of is she thinks it's sexy okay no counting for taste but i'm all in so the next day she came home from the road i went on to surprise her so i went in the bathroom put on some shorts i took off my shirt i'm standing there in shorts no shirt trying to get her to notice while we're conversing [Music] she looks to me she says are you having a stroke i said no she goes what'd you do i said i got waxed ew not the reaction i was looking for what's ooh she goes oh god put a shirt on it's creeping me out she goes you look like patrick from spongebob jeff patrick's not sexy the things you do to honor your wife sir [Music] never again is it's give and take it's it's it's you you make you make concessions you make things you know i i'm a recovering drug addict alcoholic i've been i've had 32 years without a drink i've been married 33 years so after a year of marriage i realized it was one or the other and i made a decision to quit now tammy has had closet vision for 33 years and it's one of those things that drives me crazy as a husband but she won't do anything to correct it and are you telling me this is closet vision for 33 years this is how we have a date to go out tammy will get in the shower get out of the shower she'll wrap herself in a towel she'll stand in front of her mirror she'll do her hair do her makeup and then she'll walk into her closet and go blind for an hour all i hear coming out of the closet there's nothing to wear nothing nothing every now and then she'll emerge holding something what do you think of that and i'll say you look beautiful in that she'll go you're just saying that you're right i am i don't care put on burlap let's just get to the restaurant before they change management one more time and i was thinking about it this has got to go back to the garden of eden it really does it says in the bible adam and eve sinned for the first time it was the first time they felt shame shame of their nakedness and they felt if they could clothe themselves they could hide their shame from god it was the first time mankind clothed themselves so you know adam got dressed right away first leaf on the ground i'm ready let's go eve probably shot that garden three four days never found anything just walk around i don't know what he expects us to wear there's nothing to wear around here adam's going try the fake nobody wears a fig after september you idiot [Music] try the fern the fern makes me look fat don't you have an animal a name get out of here it's amazing how quick tammy's vision would come back once she was dressed because she'd leave the closet look at me and go you're not wearing those clothes out are you no these are my practice clothes they went out of style while i was waiting for you to get dressed i mentioned my grandbabies i am a grandfather and anybody here as a grandparent knows those are the most special special people on the planet they really are and the most heartwarming and i can tell you where i was and what time of day it was when my granddaughter the first grandchild we had said my name papa she was in the bathtub we were watching her she was at the house and she was splashing around in a tub in the early evening and my wife calls me into the bathroom she says you got to hear this and my little granddaughter's sitting there and tammy says evelyn who is that and evelyn goes papa i'm telling you man i started crying and that's what tammy said you need to get a blood test for that low t [Music] stuff i'm not kidding you she says you need to go get tested for low tea and i said uh sir i honored my wife that's what you do you honor your wife i got tested blood tests anyway they call me up and they go you don't have low t i go i don't he goes no you have no t none zero we had to retest it was so low they told me i was elevated in estrogen i had high estrogen levels and no testosterone which explained all the hdtv i had been watching yeah my friends would call me on sunday hey man the bears are on i'd go no way man chip and joanna got a special so i said to the doctor if i do this t thing if i do this t thing what will it do for me and he said you'll be like a 25 year old man again i wouldn't really will i be that stupid because i got to tell you i don't think my body could survive my 20s again i really don't he says no you'd be like a 25 year old and i go really i got a 58 year old menopausal wife at home i think i should consult her to see if she wants a 25 year old man chasing her around she finally put a knife in my chest and ended i know she would next thing you know she's on dateline trying to defend herself you ever watch dateline i'm telling you the whole franchise the spouse is killing each other that's it men men watch five datelines with your wife you'll look her right in the eye we doing all right you and me yeah i'm telling you that menopause i didn't see it coming i really didn't there are nights that i lie in bed and dream about the good old days of pms trust me there are weeks that go by i cannot get her home cold enough for her body i'm telling you there's not enough freon in the world if there's a hole in the ozone it's over the roof of my home in tennessee it's 48 degrees in my bedroom i got meat hanging off my curtain rods she walks in and turns on some 64-bladed fan she installed i had to bolt the furniture to the floor to keep from getting sucked up through the roof she stands in the middle of the room why is it so hot in here jeffrey why is it so hot i can't see her because of the fog that's coming out of her mouth and then she wakes me up to feel her night sweats is that even necessary i'm sound asleep when she zips my parka open while i'm laying there wake up and feel this jeffrey it's disgusting look at me there's like a furnace in me or something you're lucky you don't have to go through this you know i wouldn't if you quit waking me up and telling me about it i could sleep right through the perspirating i could it doesn't make a lot of noise oh and one night i wake up there's a human being at the foot of my bed three o'clock in the morning i don't know if you've ever had this there's a full grown human the three in a dark room i was at a heart attack it was her she's at the foot of my bed cutting off the bottom of her flannel pajamas with scissors because they were sticking to her sweaty legs and this demonic thing was coming out of her mouth i'm not kidding i grabbed my sons the next day i said mom's going through some serious stuff here like what remember those nights you didn't do your homework she'd get maddie i'll let you reel out he goes i remember that this is different she might be crying and then stab you you guys have been great god bless you thank you so much you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 438,579

Rating: 4.9115758 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jeff Allen, Jeff Allen Dry Bar Comedy, Jeff Allen Comedian, Jeff Allen Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Lying to your wife, menopause, Low Testosterone, Honor Thy Wife, Keto diet, Kale Chips, dbc, wax

Id: SrUCRAxUi2M

Length: 30min 11sec (1811 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 16 2021