The Reason Single Men Die. Nick Guerra - Full Special

[Music] and she gets a real sticky and she just sits in the middle just like ah this sits there it's all about love though man women are great you know that right ladies like if you're here with your girl right now take a look at her look at her real quick stop looking at me look at how beautiful she looks don't you look great right jill is great she did that for you you realize that she got dressed to look good for you and to represent the couple as a whole you know what i'm saying she got that out but she's like this is what we're supposed to look like when we go out don't look at him he chose his own clothes cause ladies look at your man right now look at half the men in this audience they look like eighth graders on a field trip just walk around like this is my favorite shirt oh oh shorts on at night everyone wants to see my pasty legs you know what i'm saying [Laughter] look at the well-dressed men that was the outfit their girl picked for him we need you ladies we need you you take care of us you know you're the reason that your man's gonna live longer than he was supposed to you know that right you are you keep us alive you keep us from making man decisions you've seen it yeah man decision very ego based very much i can do it myself you've seen him look at a tree you know you ever see a man just look at an 80-foot tree in your front yard and there's something dead and he's just like yeah you know what i'll just get a ladder on top of a ladder then i'll jump the last 20. i've done it before we need a woman to run out of the house when she sees that second ladder go up and be like no all right fine babe i'll call the city single dude dies every single time with his friend filming it i told him not to do it every time [Laughter] you take care of us you know you really do and it's always that debate for men it's like how do i keep her happy how do i keep her happy and it's very simple guys right like this is what i've learned right i've learned this much you're never going to win an argument against your girl don't even try right don't even try you'll win a battle you will not win the war one one guy that understands this girl thank you the rest are a little afraid to clap because they haven't been given permission yet how does he know this secret you're never gonna win an argument against your girl we are not prepared women prepare all right they make arguments for weeks you ever notice that they make arguments like spiders make webs they get them ready all right they're just there in the kitchen just like okay he forgot our third anniversary he hangs out with todd and i hate todd and they set up an argument with old arguments and then they bring in points that only make sense to them and they twist and they tie it and they fill it up with statements that you don't remember you said but she remembers you said she remembers everything you said ever since the beginning of the relationship and she gave to real sticky and she just sits in the middle just like ah it sits there and just like a spider's whip you never know where you're gonna walk in it right guys you just come home like what's up babe oh my god it's all over yeah it's in my mouth i got you again [Music] i like doing that joke because there's two types of women in this room right now the ones that last kiss them on the forehead they deserve it they got a good sense of humor then there's the ones that are looking at me like this because she thinks i'm talking about her and i am we need you right and that's always a debate with every man how do i keep her happy how do i keep her happy you know and here's the thing it's that question of what is true love what is true love you know everyone gets it wrong they think true love is in the first kiss in these magical moments no you know what true love is finding that person that partner that helps you for the rest of your life to find reasons to leave a party before you go to a party that's true love right there right that's a real couple right before you go into your friend's house you're like just say we gotta feed the dog at nine okay and you walk in right true love is when you can go home to that same person every night throughout years no matter what every single night and right before you go to bed you can look at each other and gossip about each other's friends that's true love thank you the people who laugh and the people that aren't you're with the friends you talk about it's okay but nothing's better than right before you go to bed she turns over she's like you want to hear about samantha do i we're on season seven of samantha of course i do and that's always a debate how do i make the other person happy that's always it i'll give you this much advice and i know i talk a lot about relationships here's why i'm a comic okay as a comic i've crashed on a lot of couches in order to make this career work i've crashed on married couples couches newlyweds new couples and i've seen it all you know and i think i've kind of figured out how to make each other happy and it's very simple for both genders right and i'll tell you this guys we'll start with you if you want to make your woman happy all you got to do is make her feel good that's it just make her feel good it's as simple as that compliment her every chance you get hey beautiful what's up babe find out what her favorite cookie is wrap him up individually and just hide him around the house never let her know just put little love notes and just put him everywhere and she'll randomly find like oh my god you were thinking of me yes i did yes no wonder the ants were going in that sock drawer you know just make her feel good that's all you got to do right and on the reverse ladies if you want to make your man happy it's very simple too very simple and it's not even what you think you dirty birdies okay it's more simple than that if you want to make your man happy all you got to do is make him feel like a man that's it make him feel like a man play with his facial hair even if it's non-existent and patchy like mine just touch it be like oh babe you're so manly oh no right oh oh yeah yeah man i'm thinking about going to catch a fish later on just make him feel manly all right call him big papa no matter what size he is just do it once what's up big papa watch his walk like that's right yeah man big papa big pop in the house doing big papa things open up all the jars that's what big papa does pinch him on the butt every now and then right a nice little grab right no no no how many guys get pinched on the butt here just three that's it look at all these depressed butts ladies you ever wonder why your man's butt just disappears later in life because you're not giving it any attention it's depressed it's just back there like i'm in the way of the wallet and it disappears it's yours grab it once aggressively just mama's just grab it at first he's gonna be thrown off at first hey what are you doing he's gonna be freaked out but don't be deterred all right you'll see it he's gonna be walking with a little pep in this step like that was nice oh my god all right i like that all right pinch it again he'll start doing lunges to just work it out all right pinch it again you'll do squats start wearing wranglers the tighter the better just to show it off leaving change and everything on the floor house keys remotes hey what's up baby you leaving the house you need the keys don't worry big papa's got it there you go [Music] that's love you guys are fun man you have fun in life right take those little moments you know like this right now i'm so happy that people are here thank you so much it's great seeing an audience thank you that's all keep the applause down that's perfect thank you no it's all right it's okay i'm always happy when i see an audience right because i know how unfamous i am you know that's about right 60 you laughed the rest of you looked at me like don't say that believe in yourself it'll come true put it on the universe no i'm unfamous i stood outside five you asked me was performing tonight very unfamous all right it's okay i'm self-aware you know i'm proud of it right it's good to be self-aware like you know this is me take it in this is what you came to see right here tiny yeah i know i got this outfit from a build-a-bear i'm a little guy it's hard to find jackets my size jacket's my size of lightning mcqueen on the back i'm not wearing that no matter how on clearance it is i don't mind saying i'm a tiny man there's a lot of tiny men that don't want to admit it you've met them you know what i'm talking about they do a lot of push-ups to get their shoulders bigger yeah because they think it makes them look taller but they just look like angry hobbits you've seen them you know what i'm saying they just look like bodyguards at the keebler cookie station just like you're never gonna take our recipes it's ready to go what's the point be proud if you're tiny i'm proud right you know what makes me proud to be a tiny man because we all know what they say about tiny guys yeah plenty of room in the bed you know what i'm saying i'll make a twin mattress look like a queen yeah you don't have to share your full sheet with me ladies that's my only sale for women that's all i got in the bedroom i like take as much blanket as you want you're gonna need it this body produces no heat whatsoever i shiver at 82 degrees i'm like a chihuahua [Music] i'm freezing right now [Laughter] i'm all right with it man i'm 5'5 i'm short any other short people in here yeah isn't it great when you're around other short people right everything makes sense finally right every conversation is eye to eye you know it feels like the shire got back together you know what i'm saying you get four short people together we just start dancing for no reason we're just like we represent we kick it it's a great time it's exciting it's tough for sure people right short people we have to have little decorations tiny christmas trees right all of our pictures are right in the middle of wall no higher we don't like cabinets that's the worst isn't it cabinets and we're and we're cocky enough to throw stuff on the top cabinets like tuna cans oh yeah i don't need those for five years right you gotta pull out every drawer to climb up onto the kitchen counter and then you're just stuck up there you're just waiting for a real size adult to come save you help i only got enough for two sandwiches it scares you [Music] be nice here tiny friend it's tough all right it's hard being a tiny adult you know what i'm saying like i've learned a few things i've learned this much i can't hang out with anybody it's too tall like if you're tall in six three we can't be friends i'm sorry we can't because when you talk to me it looks like you're disciplining me okay i can't have every conversation like uh-huh yeah what else and you're just out there blah blah blah tall stuff same whatever you say yeah you ever hear tall people talk like oh altitude whatever they like to talk about looking down at shore people like oh you look aggravated you're blinking a lot that's your spit all right your spit is just hitting us on our tiny face because you love your p words don't you tall people let's get pepperoni pizza extra parmesan that'd be perfect and here's the thing uh if you know you're tall and you've got short friends slow down when you walk with us will you do that please thank you one person with me right you guys forget the for everyone your steps is four of ours you got that equation you just abandon us when we're walking together especially at crosswalks we'll start on the same side little sign changes and you're just like yeah i'm gonna get there three steps and we look like zoos that's escaped from the yards like hold on wait give it a second hold on slow down dodging people thank you all right am i sure people are representing because man it's tough nobody gives you a pamphlet on how hard it is to be a tiny adult nobody tells you right nobody warns you about high toilets aren't those the worst right when you open a stall into it's a little too high so you got to grab the bars and do a tricep dip to get on top of it when you're up on the toilet you just got to sit on the front of it like you're riding a bull feet are barely touching the ground and the automatic flush just keeps going off just keeps going off because the sensor doesn't recognize as a full human being the whole time the sensor's just like nothing's there something's there nothing's there something's there it's the worst you can't just check instagram and that's what that's made for don't you hate this don't you hate that when you get the toilet seat cover on the toilet and the automatic flush is like nope it just takes it away right because then you're just there like that took me three minutes to tear out perfectly i'll fight it i'm like you're not going anywhere you're not going to you can take the back i don't need the back i just need these straps right here that's it i'm not going to relax okay good you guys are good man let me throw this situation at you don't you hate when this happens judge hate when you're at home just sitting there enjoying yourself in your restroom right halfway through you look to the left and there's no toilet paper right so then you get down and you squat over to the sink well that sounded like 12 of you laughing what do the rest of you do the rest you just get up like oh well and you go on no don't lie to me i'm not lying to you we all do the same thing you just squat over to the sink all right you look underneath there there's none there so you go over to the kitchen all right to look for paper towels and napkins there's none there so you go over to walgreens isn't that the worst it's embarrassing you just gotta have fun in life that's what i'm about right life is beautiful isn't it okay two people i'm enjoying it man you know i'm enjoying live i just turned 37 right yeah still young but there's signs yeah it's happening like i got my first gray nose hair that one's stubborn it's deep in there it's thick i didn't know what to do with it i colored with a sharpie i'm a little dizzy right now i tried to get it before the show with my man tweezers every man knows what i'm talking about right you ever reach deep in your nose for that root hoping that okay he's done it obviously right it's okay man it's a manly thing to do all right you get back there and you just can't hear you know what i'm saying but it's one tier like a man has one full of testosterone you know your ancestors are like he did us proud if you're lucky you pull out four you ever just pull out four do you ever show it to her look babe look at this get that away from me that's disgusting all right thank you that's light enough you're good [Laughter] oh man i'm enjoying life though man right it's all about living life easy isn't it you know you know what i like to do i'll tell you guys this i'm the type of person that if i know i'm not going to see any of you tomorrow i'm going to wear the same clothes tomorrow anybody else like that [Music] yeah right because sometimes you're like you know what i only wore this for four hours and it was mostly an air conditioning nobody really saw it you know i kept my arms up half of the time right like i got a little pile of clothes in the corner of my room that i call my where again clothes anyone else got that pile yeah outfits ready to go two actual dirty socks in the basket i wore those three times was it done right this pile going strong quick sniff pants would change in them shirts deodorant already under the sleeve prepped you know what i'm talking about it's 48 hour protection i still got a full day just rub it like that that's all you got to do and the crazy thing is that people think it's lazy to wear the same clothes it's actually tougher isn't it because you got a void everywhere that you went the day before like you just can't go to your favorite places and if you see somebody from the day before you have to have an excuse you gotta be like hey what's up how you doing just got out of jail it's my go-to excuse just me all right you gotta do little things like that to get out of stress right here's a few tips right if you're ever having a bad day this is what i've learned all you got to do is make somebody else's day worse that's it that's it i'm not talking about big things right like if you're having a bad day do this go to a public restroom while someone's on the toilet and just scream fire instant date better and it's harmless are you serious they're just on the toilet just like no you laugh for 20 seconds you turn off the lights you walk out it's the funniest thing ever some of you are with me huh all right some of your evil like me good because you understand we love seeing people suck in situations don't we does that make you feel a little good like one of the best feelings in the world is when you're driving on the highway and there's no traffic in front of you everything's clear but the other side of the highway full of traffic isn't that the best feeling ever yeah you love it you feel like royalty you're like ah peasants you feel good you can speed up just to taunt them look at this guy's feet up and slow down again this lane in that lane and you know what's better than that feeling when you get to the end of their traffic and you see all these cars zooming in like crazy and you're just like you have no idea oh my god once you get over that hill it's gonna be terrible we love seeing people stuck in situations right like everyone's done this everyone's gone shopping right you finished you grabbed your bags you started walking your car in the parking lot and as you're walking your car in the parking lot a car starts to follow you to figure out where you're parked have you had that moment yeah when they're right behind you you can hear them and what do we all do walk slower don't we yeah every single person in here takes their time no you're not rushing me uh i'm gonna practice this dance move right now we all walk slower no one here is like hold on wait beep beep here's my car i'll get out you get in we all do the same thing you walk really slow until you're halfway down the parking lot then you zigzag through a car sorry my car's three rows down that's what you get for following me someone did it to me i'm doing it to you [Laughter] it's all right you gotta satisfy that part of yourself you know what i'm saying right enjoy life get away with as much as you can anything you could do all right sneak into places how many people are sneaking into places are you serious not one person one thank you thank you for being honest movies you ever do movies no movies on a monday they don't care that's when you go all right they got two people on staff they don't really care to be there you know what i'm saying is what you do at a movie theater wait till any door opens and just walk in like this i don't know what's going on just walk in that's all you got to do you watch a movie if they kick you out it's what you do i don't know what's going on and you just leave you're not going to movie jail like you could sneak into anywhere if you act like you belong there anywhere you want to go it's all you got to do right you remember that couple that snuck into the white house yeah they knew what they were doing they got dressed saying don't start nothing won't be nothing that's what they said they went to the white house had a ten thousand dollar meal got selfies with the president and when they were caught they're like oh this is not olive garden and they left they're like no wonder those bread sticks stop coming enjoy life man have fun right we love that don't we just having fun enjoying life watching people stuck in situations every now and then that's why we love horror movies that's why people love horror movies right like i love horror movies anyone else yeah they're great aren't they and it's not even the movie that scares you really it's afterwards it scares you you know that's the scariest part of a horror movie walking your car in the parking lot that's the scariest part you leave the theater all the lights are flickering you're like oh no you just start skipping for no reason you know because you're just like nope they can't kill you if you skip nobody yeah anybody sees you oh he's too happy let's leave him alone everything's scary after a horror movie you go home you got to go pee you go to the restroom the shower curtain's closed you're just like nope not going to happen nope who closed the shower curtain no i'm gonna go pee in the kitchen sink who did this even if it's just halfway closed that freaks you out because you know that the killer's just standing there just i get closer stabby stabby right and we all do the same thing you walk really slow to the shower curtain like ah all right nothing's there underneath the toilet i peed my pants we're good everything's scary after a horror movie right every other night you're fine sleeping in your bed with your arms out feet out no no problem right just sitting there right then not horn movie night you gotta tuck yourself in like a little burrito you ever have to do that horror movie night just tuck yourself in like a little burrito just make sure no arm is out and then right before you go to bed you always hear a noise so i'm like and you just lay flatter in the bed you know you just try to pretend you're another pillow after three minutes you finally get the guts to be like hello now let me ask you this what are you gonna do if something answers right what if something's like hello like oh no i made friends with it it's gonna be in the back of all my pictures now everything's scary after a horror movie you can't even get off bed regularly you have to do a full leap you ever had to do that right because usually you could step down no problem not horror movie night no full leap because you know that if you just step off the bed little old lady hand's gonna grab you come on let's go scares you hallways are scary you just start jumping for light switches you ever just right i just jump and i leave them all on you know and i don't trust mirrors after horror movie night i don't trust it that freaky out your own reflection i try to catch it before it gets me you know what i'm saying i'll be brushing my teeth all right not again okay i try man i get really scared that's what i'll do if i'm in my bed and i'm scared i'll grab my cell phone and i'll try to light the room anyways do that right with the worst possible lighting ever you know what my biggest fear is is that one day i'm gonna be like nothing nothing eyes oh my god oh god it knows i saw it and it knows i have no signal no why t-mobile i've learned a lot though from horror movies right you know i learned little things like when i watched the ring i didn't answer the phone for seven days you know what i'm saying not gonna happen you can't get me if i move in a house and i see two little girls jumping rope outside of my house singing nursery rhymes i'm moving right if you ever see it if you see two little girls in full dresses just leave those are ghost kids kids don't play outside anymore you know what i'm saying yeah man those kids have been dead for 200 years jumping rope outside no where's your ipad kids play jump roping apps that's what they play oh look at me jumping rope on this app enjoy life samia not with me on that you're like oh that's all wrong well you're not gonna like this next part right i'll tell you something else i like to do i like to accidentally shoplift anyone else with me on that few of you all right good right for the right reasons i'm not talking about big things okay like if i go to 7-eleven and there's a long line at the register and all i want is a donut if i eat it before i get to the front of the line i'm gone see you later all right it's in my tummy time is money i'm a boss [Music] still hesitant ah i get it all right don't blame me though i learned this from my mom okay yeah that's where we all learned our first crime from you realize that right your mother is the first criminal in your life yeah every mother is the first criminal in their kids lives look at all these moms looking at me like where are you going with this you are it happens when they turn 13 you go to chinese buffet children eat for free 12 and under look at all yeah exactly look at all these guilty moms that's mom scam number one isn't it right before we go to that restaurant what do you do you stop your kid you say today you're 12. you initiate them they're in the gang now they got little chicken nugget tattoos for all the free buffets they've been stealing and you try to get them to say that until they're 15 all tall with mustaches i'm 12 i'm a children your entire childhood you're an accomplice for all your mom's petty crimes anything she wants to get away with you go to the movies she's not buying candy at the movie theater no she's stopping at the store she's filling up your pockets with skittles and some fried cans and duct tape and turkey sandwiches across your chest you gotta walk it in like this every step is a new crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch and she even tells you when to open everything up she waits she's like no no wait till the lights go all the way down and then right when the title hits she just passes everything out sprite all open yeah man mom's a gangsters they are they know they are but just like every gangsta every mom has been rat out by her kids at least once right with the same three words you're at that chinese buffet and you're like he's 12 and all you heard was no i'm not and what did you do you looked at your kid like snitches get stitches that's what you did [Laughter] so enjoy life man right that's what it's about being happy and being with people you love isn't that what it's about right there right yeah like how many people are right here with somebody that they love right now with people they are great isn't it it's a big part of life like i'm obsessed with love i love reading online articles about relationships right like i'll read articles where it's like we interviewed a hundred men and here's the one thing they wanted in a woman we interviewed two women and here's 146 things they wanted a man height is always number one i'm out of that right i know man it's terrible right because the one thing that you always heard back in the day that women wanted was tall dark and handsome that's what they wanted it's all dark and handsome what's wrong with pale poetic and petite what's wrong with that right you know and i actually tried to grow tall you know i'm a kid in the 80s man i remember those remember those milk commercials they would tell you drink milk or grow big and they showed the guy getting bigger each year yeah i drank tons of milk yeah nothing happened okay i just grew lactose intolerant that's all that happened that's it man right then women want a man they want somebody that they feel that's going to protect them they want to know that that guy's going to be there to throw a punch look at this look how unintimidating that is right there there's nothing scary about that right and i tried to figure out what was the type of man that women really want and i think i figured it out i've studied articles movies things like that and here's the one man as soon as he showed up that everyone was like that guy right there patrick swayze that was a man right that was a man every woman saw those movies you saw a roadhouse you saw him beating people up you're like that's that's it right there you saw dirty dancing when he was like nobody puts baby in the corner and every girl is like i'm baby get away from me corners patrick swayze was the man every woman saw that he's like that's what i want i want a man that could fight and tango and when he dies he's going to come back and make pottery with me are you serious i can't do that i can make you a dope mixtape what happened to the ass but it's all right man you know it's okay you know i'll be there one day all right i want to be in love women are great silence across the room not one person clapped no it's okay it's all right 525 shows i said women are great nobody claps right yeah it's a little theory i have it's a humanity thing i want to change it that's why i present it because it's comics we have theories that we present to audiences to see if they're true and disprove them right now here's my theory there's one thing that men and women truly have in common their distrust of women [Music] it's all right i just said women are great not one woman clapped for all a womanhood because you all thought of one girl you want to clap for that was it that was all it was one name popped up and i was like women are great not all of us not britney and you didn't clap and brittany's some girl from the third grade you know where she lives anymore she told me my legs were hairy you're 11. let it go you're beautiful now but women are great you know that right ladies we need you right you know that yes we need you all right some of you with me some of you still like and what else are we that's why it's hard that's why it's hard to date nowadays you know it's hard you always hear women say stuff like chivalry's dead it's not dead we just can't out compliment your spin class that's it we can't help compliment your affirmation memes you're reading these things you're like i am all in all is me you know what i'm saying we can't help compliment beyonce albums you're listening to her you're reading these memes you're on a bike with a guy yelling at you for an hour just like that's right ladies you're all you start life and you can take life you're the first smile they see and you're the only heartbeat that they want to hear you were nature you're a mother guy you're the earth the moon and the stars your incumbency you are strong in your actions and you are loud in your silence you're a mother guy you're a lioness now let's hear you roar girl all right and i'm fine i'm i'm all for it women empowerment completely for it right that's what i'm for but it's hard as a man to compliment women now you know you try you're like hey you got pretty eyes i'm a goddess did you not see my crown on snapchat and you gotta give us a chance ladies you gotta let men level up we don't have classes like that for men there's no hour-long class where dudes on a bike just yelling at us like that's right dude you're like really cool i like your shirts you know what i'm saying you're pretty hip you know a lot of movie trivia don't you right and guess what it's average size we don't have that was that the line for provo [Laughter] uh this has been fun wow i've been having a great time right give it up for yourselves real quick while i figure out my last joke i know i talked a lot about love right i told you i'm a little obsessed with it right you know and i'll say this ladies you got to realize about your man okay this is what it's like to be in love as a man it feels like batman doesn't it right guys isn't how you feel when you're in love you feel like batman every day and it feels like you're married to the riddler you know what i'm talking about because every morning you're like what do you want to do babe i don't know batman did you read the clues i've been dropping hints for weeks you guys have been great i'm nick garrett thank you so much you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 488,419

Rating: 4.8471465 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Nick Guerra, Nick Guerra Dry Bar Comedy, Nick Guerra Comedy, Nick Guerra Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Rouintes, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Single Men, Man thoughts, too short, short man, women arguemtns, dbc, stand up, life

Id: UzOUsaK9OEI

Length: 32min 5sec (1925 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 22 2020