You Are What Your Wife Tells You. Rahn Hortman - Full Special

ah that's what my daddy meant when he said it's gonna hurt me more it's gonna hurt you see my old school y'all I believe in disciplining my kids I believe in spare the rod spoil the child so sometimes in my house it gets physical my sons are bigger than me so sometimes it gets real physical last week he got physical and I think I pulled something I was sore for three days I said ah that's what my daddy meant when he said it's gonna hurt me more it's gonna hurt you and I come from a strong Christian background at my house we have the Bible on DVD a DVD of the Bible so my kids do something wrong I make them sit down and watch when Abraham was gonna sacrifice Isaac and I pause it right before the land come and I make him go to bed [Applause] life moves so fast y'all I remember when they were little now two getting bigger my son my youngest son is the most polite disrespectful child in the world the light disrespectful he's you don't curse he's not rude he disrespects you with proven facts been doing it his whole life remember he was little took him to a friend's house he was like that kind of hungry all right Willie would get something to eat and my friend overheard him he said hey little buddy you want some neat I got something you all saw he said no thank you sir you have roaches and roaches carry germs I'll just wait so I'll go home you do have roaches man he at that age now where he wants to do what his friends do hey Dad can I get the new iPhone I said you got some new iPhone money no that's why I'm asking you well I guess you're gonna use that old Android hi dad what can I hang out with my friends yeah hang out with the friends but call me at 8:30 okay dad 8:30 comes no call 9:30 comes no call he walking house at 10 o'clock upside his head immediately to establish dominance in my own right hey man then I tell you called me at 8:30 dad I didn't call you cuz my phone died when you with your friends don't take our phones don't they got charges well yeah dad they got the new iPhone I got this old Android the charger won't even fit if they had they phone and they had day charges why didn't you call me from they thought well dad I didn't call you from a phone cuz I don't know your number I know Mama's number but yours is just a speed dial just go to bed he got me again cuz I don't know his number either the light disrespectful I remember he was the only black kid in his class the only one I was proud at the open house cuz the kids did self-portraits and I immediately knew which one my son was now the beautiful thing about these pictures was each kid got to put one thing they loved at the bottom of the picture little Shelby had I love Barbie little Josh had I love soccer my son a little ray-ray bottom his picture I love chicken he didn't know he didn't know but he did get a gold star yes he did this is definitely gonna be an away game [Applause] somewhat jokes are just throwing out their stuff for you to catch him I'm not gonna work extra hard oh gosh this is crazy I was having a bad day y'all never have a day so bad that you call one of your friends that you know was doing worse than you so you feel better about your situation I called my friend I was like hey man you get that job he said nah I say good good you should get a tattoo on your face you'll stand out in interviews I'm glad y'all laughing I don't cuz right now as a country we in a bad place cuz we so divided everybody divided all because of an election I learned something Donald Trump is 70 years old and Hillary Clinton is 70 years old I'll call my grandma I say grandma is jobs out there if you series [Laughter] just consider the rockatuer looking kill grandma get out there and do something you ain't raised us like that too much information in the news yo kids watch the news they know what's going on in the world I saw some kids outside playing Ebola yes you got Ebola oh yes man oh but you the head no it sure is I called Obamacare Obamacare I recently moved kind of depressing I could have moved to a bad place but everything I own fit inside a truck that cost $19.99 and they offer me the insurance for $9.99 it's just one worth it and my new neighbor is a thug but he homeschoolers kids so every morning the outside playing I don't know if they skipped my school today on recess and I'm just too scared to ask this year is flying by y'all I said I'm a complete things that I started last year I started an after-school program for kids what he can come and do their homework yes yeah thank you I serve Chinese food I called it home walk Samba jokes I just throw them out there so for you catch you I am uh be honest with you I started this whole comedy thing because the NBA one interested this I'm five five-and-a-half that's not the funny part [Laughter] women say things that mean that they'll say to other men they say stuff like oh you Sookie a grown man why would you say that to me cuz everything is cute with us don't tell me if you was taller you would be so so hint I said if your hair was longer using better shape you would be Beyonce and it never fails after show somebody always walk up to me to pat me on the back good job big man now I'm excited and confused at the same time kind of big for a little man kind of like a jumbo shrimp or a megabyte that's like me giving false hope to a blind man hey Ryan think I'll be able to see you again yeah we'll just play it by ear and that made me fake who cleans up after seeing eye dogs I'm at that point my life with my family making me do stuff they forced me to get a cat I hate cats cats and jerks don't care what you say I can't stand them and it's a rescue cat so you off the streets so I don't trust them no he's still got his claws it's like I live with a felon with a firearm the cats are so condescending they look at you like they don't trust you in your own house it's not a cabbie looking at you whenever I leave you get on my side of the bed and you look at hey you know when you leave imma be cuddling with your wife oh I'll get a cat if you have a dog and you see the glass down man's best friend might take a sip out your water you'd be upset you be like you know what my best friend just took a sip out of my water what you gonna do let me tell you how much of a jerk just caddy is this is what the cat did in my water [Laughter] and I think he just came out the litter box cuz my water tasted crunchy that was very upset to y'all when you mad you make other people mad you don't try to it just happens I went to my doctor's office I asked him who his doctor was and then I switch doctors and went to the mall I saw a family the whole family was ugly say dang even the best-looking person in a family it's like being the valedictorian in a GED program and every time I go to the mall I always get an application no matter what store I go in I get an application people think I'm crazy when I leave them all and people in the parking lot begging for spare change I'll just go [Music] [Applause] you can use me as a reference let me formally introduce myself my name is Ron but my first name is spelled different this spell are a H in yes my mother was Trivedi first day of school money it was always like a question dang these black kids pick up my favorite rock now listen if you're running for class president but we don't need to see your birth certificate [Laughter] I got a website y'all make sure you check me out Ryan Horton calm I linked the Twitter's on there my link to Facebook cuz everybody's on Facebook my mama's on Facebook my Grandmama's on Facebook my bill collectors are on Facebook they keep poking me I keep ignoring them they actually scan my bills and tag me in the pictures my mama gonna comment yeah he owe me too and then she liked it are you gonna like your own comment that is so selfish it do me a favor y'all email call Tex all your black friends I think is appropriate they participate in Farmville nothing fun about firemen y'all got us the first time and if you send me a farmville request I will treat it as a hate crime the prosecute to the fullest extent of the law okay older people Facebook is this thing on your computer your computer kind of like your typewriter but with the TV screen on it I always talk about older people not cuz I don't like you I just don't trust you Oh people are slick you say hi then they say hi you know talking to him for like two hours about how a loaf of bread used to cost a nickel the old people would say anything to you and you have to respect it you have to respect your elders this old man gonna tell me excuse me young man I said yes sir he said I love what you did to your hair so well well thank you sir so yes it's very nice but do you wash it once a day as a face or twice a week is here [Laughter] once there's a face sir I was in the grocery store this old man sends them to me I know how to respond y'all I had no comeback I've pushed him a card I said excuse me sir he said oh no you have just as much right to be here as me why thank you Abraham Lincoln feels great to shop at a newly desegregated Walmart you got the brown bread buy the white bread thank you so so much son thank you I am a happily married man thank you yes my wife is my better half Ryan you better do this and you better do that you see my best friend good that's what she told me I married my high school sweetheart yeah and yeah thank you love is real and the wedding was so special because our oldest son was in it put a ring on it yo we have four kids three sons and a daughter we kept trying for that little girl so she kind of like the princess of the house when I say princess I mean be careful what you wish for I was smoking and observing can you tell me daddy said what baby you know back and your stomach ain't the same no more see what she said well your back go like this and your stomach go like that so shut up your mama like it she said no she da no she down no we talked about it she said you need to do some sit-ups I can't do none with her I can't take her nowhere cuz she too knows he took her to Walmart we saw a man dressed like a lady immediately she had to investigate [Music] [Laughter] [Music] excuse me mister ma'am I know he's supposed to talk to strangers but them shoes is cute that's very sensitive y'all I remember when I found out my daughter had to wear hearing aids very shocked very upset I actually cried about it I thought about all the time I wasted yelling [Laughter] gonna have one of my sons bringing me the remote and I thought you'd be ashamed of the hearing aids but she loves the hearing aids she loves him oh my god daddy I love these hearing aids I get the birds chirping I get water flowing I get all my music daddy I just love them I'm like wow that's amazing but you know what she's still a kid sometimes she's just hard-headed so if I tell her to do something and she don't do it I get very upset hey didn't ask you to clean up your room didn't I tell you to put a little dishes you know what you know what give me the hearing aids if you ain't gonna listen to me you're gonna listen to nobody stop crying look at me when I'm talking to you these are just jokes don't nobody call the people on me right these are just jokes I promise you're gonna ask her but you don't have to spray them real loud I am a very special child my parent not that kind of special man my parents was married as teenagers I was born to teenage parents sometimes I think my mother's still mad at me cuz I got her grounded my mother and father were very very young so didn't work out so I can't tell you a lot about him I know he was an athlete so he was a fierce competitor I'll all his friends he was the best at hide-and-go-seek [Laughter] mother actually got remarried when I was very young so I was blessed to have a father in my life I had two fathers have a biological father and I was stepfather my biological father I'll call pops cuz he wasn't around it kind of popped up at nine in my stepfather I called dad because he the one who actually raised me ironically both of their names is Robert tell the job my mama be trippin on she talkin to give him both the same amount of respect so on holidays I'll get him both the same team Jersey with Robert on the back but one was home and one was away [Laughter] [Applause] it was a Padres jersey yup big sports fans here big sports fans see I just got nervous I get nervous around sports fans they get too real I saw some Yankees fans physically fight some Red Sox fans they're never that series yellow you see round horny with a team jersey home don't mean I follow the team it means it matches my shoes right this force feelings go all-out they paint a face that dress up like the mascot it's kind of cool until you lose then you got a ride home looking stupid and then the other team always give you an insult wrapped in a compliment a good game poor coaching you almost had us you gave a good effort and they smack you on the booty so whenever I see one of those big monster trucks with the gun rack and Confederate flag I say good game for a coaching you almost had us you gave a good effort when I smack him on the booty [Applause] don't none a detective like a little black news smacking well buddy you got a truck like that these are just jokes I will not be snacking on your booty huh Oh life moves so fast y'all I remember when I was young and I made the football team yes I made the football team so proud y'all kept my uniform on helmet on mouthpiece in nobody knew what I was singing but I was proud I came home one day my dad's standing outside we had that father-to-son moment he's like a man you're getting older what are you planning on doing for the rest of your life I said dad I'm pretty good at this football thing I think I'm gonna go pro he looked me right nods and said you need to pick something else I didn't get to what's your backup plan son or what if you get hurt dude that guy you need to pick something else so as a teenager just made me so mad y'all I don't know why he didn't believe in me right I went to that school I practiced harder than everybody else on that team see I was what you call a flanker a lot of people know what a flanker is a flanker is kind of like a running back this last receiver and at my school that meant that everybody made the team so whatever so I was so much better than the other third stringer that I got my own play I will come out the backfield turn left fake right the ball be right there to coast Aron you ready to run your play I said coach I stay ready he said all right let's do it I lined up in the backfield had my game face on they hype the ball I'm all fast like a cheetah all right a black panther I think left turn right as soon as the ball hit my hand I open my eyes and everybody was standing over said wait hold on to the ball right wait hold on to the ball and it freaked me out because I I really didn't hold on to the ball you hit me so hard that my body just locked up right I don't know how long I was out but my house is 23 minutes away from the school and my daddy was telling me said I told you to pick something else I picked something else you're doing comedy we get to travel all over the place y'all I went to a Connecticut they put me in this fancy hotel called America's best value you ever heard of this hotel this should be called Baghdad's mediocre at best it looked like a crime scene from first 48 and they had a roaches no big roaches it was a roach so big you look like a Snickers on the ground and it had them big long antennas moving like the matrix I got ready step on the right two antenna touch my leg yeah yeah ran ice cream that wasn't ready right so I said yo I need to show the management that they have a problem so what I did was I took a glass and I put it on top of the roach immediately the roach got that snitching on the other roaches they always missing on first 48 you only got cable true story yeah for ten years of my life I did pest control and I'm scared of bugs but that was my motivation I'm gonna tell you I'm scared a bug yeah I will never forget it I was in a Kmart walking down the dog food aisle it was a moth it was flying I tried to swat it out the way the moth flew in my ear yeah oh my goodness have you ever had some flying you're here it is so loud it sound like a helicopter in my hair and you can feel it like crawling on the inside and I didn't know what to do so I did they called the paramedics they called them they rushed in with the gurney as soon as I sat down the moth flew out my ear I said thank goodness is gone and his old man was walking by he said yeah but what if he laid eggs and you here so I don't trust old people I'm telling you comedy comedy comedy oh we get to go all over the place I went to uh Birmingham Alabama I got off the plane and this lady asked me what I was doing in town I said ma'am I'm an entertainer she said are you Darius Rucker I know it was I had to google it that's Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish so I looked at it I was like well he black and i'm black and she weighs uh-huh yes I do look a little whoo [Laughter] but if somebody say you look like somebody you got to find out if they ugly or not I said excuse me ma'am is hoody ugly to you no he is very handsome I said Rock Me mama like a rock anyway I had to google that too because that was I go like yeah when I first walked out here I was like man this is love white people it's cool I love white people I have a white uncle be the black sheep in his family cellphones are tricky Oh Oh everybody cell phone you got a picture of somebody you love as your screensaver I got a picture of my wife this lady I know she saw the picture she said is that your wife I said yes it is she said I'm sorry I owe you an apology like an apology it's like no no no I thought you had a white wife why would you apologize if I had a white wife so now I'm upset and what am i doing that makes you think I had a white wife right so now I'm heated I'm about to go off y'all like upset up to here with it right and then I thought about it I was like oh she knows I'm in entertain me [Laughter] that was too much for you a pout be my wife been together for 20 years thank you 22 years and we've got so long William Harvey in the war when she get mad at me she do real real subtle stuff she pick out my clothes last week's picked up with them real tight muscle shirts for me to wear I got no muscles y'all I was on stage there like a real strong ethiopian y'all may not notice but your black family we like to put lotion on for we leave the house she don't give me this lotion this smell good smell great it had glitter in it I'm on stage than like a little black disco ball gay dudes trying to highlight me after the show use up their shine you'd ever gonna be a superstar Oh twinkle twinkle superstar 20 years y'all I know a little bit about relationships any single ladies in here single ladies you hear that fellas you hear that huh don't be fooled by that man do your research before you fall in love don't meet their mamas I'm serious if they mama look like a grizzly bear I don't care how cute earth Selene is to you she is a grizzly cub everything is cute when it's little you complain about she too big no she's not she's a perfect size for a grizzly bear her age my friend was dating the big girl you she had a weight problem because she was following McDonald's on Twitter her phone kept going off but up up up see I'm learning in relationships fellas we don't we don't give like they give but we just we just let stuff go you gotta communicate that's where the breakdown is we'll give you some examples man if if your woman is mad you have two choices let her be mad or let her be mad I just saved some of y'all right now I just saved you my wife don't even do social media don't even do it although she do participate in throwback Thursdays no but she brings up something I did in the past and I get to the next week to defend myself now having a wife is a blessing it really is if are you lucky and you blessed have a beautiful lady by your side take a second right now take a look at her look at me blessed you are blessed did you know she don't live longer than you did you know that they live longer than us man don't nobody know why I don't know why but I know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna do whatever she does if she used oil of olay I'm using oil of olay she eats best okay I'm heating Special K I'm not going dying she live a good life after me not on my watch me my wife got into a little disagreement found out she went to the grocery store and she brought some vitamins oh we take advice so I took some of the vitamins and I let her know hey you know what kind of disappointed I found your stash she's like what is you talking about I said the vitamins I found them I'm hurt you don't even know who you are no more she said Ryan knows ain't vitamins those are perfect control fellas you ever do something so stupid you don't have an answer but as a man you have to apply all I can say is well I don't want no more kids either we don't take these together because we're family that's what we do [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,528,309

Rating: 4.8728242 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Rahn Hortman, Rahn Hortman Dry Bar Comedy, Rahn Hortman comedy, Rahn Hortman Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Wrestling, bible, abraham and isaac, mgtow, dbc, stand up, princess, daughter, deaf

Id: 0H6kTI2G95I

Length: 36min 18sec (2178 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 09 2020