Born In The Middle East, But Raised In The South. Maher Matta - Full Special

he's a terrorist but um well as you heard my name is my hair it's unbelievable the full name is actually isn't that nice thank you in arabic maher means skill in english maher means airport security is what it means with the extended arab stairs just airport security you should see my dad at the airport nervous nelly he's very arab he's essentially a camel and you should see him he asks questions arabs shouldn't ask at the airport you know this is a very big plane yes he makes wings what's wrong with you he's a terrorist but um no i think he is i was born in lebanon give it up for hummus we eat that at costco um where's the sam's out here i guess whatever it doesn't matter it's not promoted by either one of them so i was raised however where all arabs are raised uh the deep south that was fine my fourth day of high school this guy comes up to me he goes hey look here jose you need to get your butt back to mexico where you belong i said look pal i'm from the middle east he goes what do you mean like saint paul minneapolis i said that's the midwest [Laughter] he goes what do you mean then i said you know man lebanon jordan where they filmed aladdin he goes oh you're one of them a-ramps kind of whispered it i don't know why you wanted to make your wraps well look here muhammad you need to get back to mexico where you alone so i moved to mexico but my wife she's not here tonight she's at home cooking and cleaning for me oh no no she's she's in the car but there's no that's terribly racist no she's no she's dead but the thing is no she's no she's a terrorist but the thing is i can't no she's not she is but my wife is actually you didn't think you would come and laugh with the word terrorist right so funny my wife is actually uh italian-american and i am arab american we have the hairiest children you have ever seen we have squirrels at home seriously my son's hairline starts like it's just he just he just has two big eyebrows to just come up i've never seen his face he's five it's just we uh we debated two names for my son paul and mustafa brahman and which was we chose paul we don't want to send that to kindergarten could you imagine where i grew up something to kindergarten could you imagine just everybody okay everybody listen up got a new student this is mustafa abdulrahman am i saying that right does does he need a prayer rug or how does that work i don't know can somebody vacuum the bus say let's hair everywhere is he a werewolf or paul my oldest he's cute he's you know what's happening he sucks his thumb i can't get him to stop tried everything time out taking away toys i've tried everything now i'm on this new thing for him uh hookah and no it's great he's loving it i love it giving me some hookah he's so cute and he's not stuck in his thumb now so it's amazing but he smells like double apples so it's kind of strawberries following us kind of nice paul my oldest i think is now he is he is uh five or 26 but he's he doesn't like to sleep typical lebanese guy likes to go out go to clubs you know that kind of lebanese guy and so he doesn't like to sleep the only time paul sleeps is in a moving vehicle you know i'm talking about people little kids they go to sleep in the car boom they're out so now what does dad do at 7 45 i get him an uber and uh [Music] i send him out for nine hours and it's just amazing the baby the little one sleeps fine we don't hear him at all in the garage and [Music] that's good so this is when it gets kind of sad um i started losing my hair uh very early like 7 a.m no i was 15. yeah yeah yeah yeah it's sad 15 and in high school i was esl and ibs two terrible acronyms to have simultaneously i started losing my hair early man 15 t my mom took me to the doctor and she goes this is what she said she goes doctor fix him [Laughter] so he gave me rogaine yeah 15 years old really just a special year it was i ran home with the road game like charlie and the chocolate factory i was so excited took it home you shake it up you have to shake it first it says like you're not embarrassed enough you've got to shake this stuff so you guys shake this stuff and you spray it i spray it on and folks it worked miracles on my back and shoulders because now i'm essentially a thin brown bear is what i am like an out of shape bear like a very skinny bear and i wanted to play high school basketball when i was a kid freshman year in high school i wanted to try out so i showed up to the tryouts right and the coach inevitably of course he says okay boys here's what it won't shirts against skins so i said please just whatever happens i don't even want to make the team just please do not let me be a skin and sure enough it's one of these things where he's going sure skin he's just picking it random sure enough shirts he comes close to me sure it's good like slow motion scoot i peed from the ibs i was so nervous it's good land's right on me so i said forget i don't care whatever i want to play basketball so i reach over i take my shirt off but i did it kind of dramatically like i didn't care you know i was like just threw it off there immediately the theme song to lion king came on it was just a rhino ran across the room it was ridiculous and the coach without missing a beat he goes okay billy you go over there thomas you go over there and my hair let me get you uh oh wow uh is he the mascot or what's going on here i don't know i made the team though believe it or not bald and like had the u-shape you know like the years going on i had an accent that was so cute in high school just full of popularity will you go to the dance with me we take my father's taxi that was inappropriate but um should have been an uber but the thing is i got married in mexico and my best man you think i'm harry my best man he's this lebanese guy and his suit was so tight he was you know he's living these guys that got like the nightclubs and their suit was so his suit is so tight you've seen these guys with the chest hairs coming up over the shirt have you seen these guys he's my best man okay we're exchanging vows i look over but roger's chest hair is coming up over the shirt it's getting in his face it's like [Laughter] it's it's moving like seaweed it's like [Music] it's like waving at people like anyway he's dead now but um now here's the thing i do um speak arabic and after comedy shows people say like hey man that's great you speak let me just ask how do you say my name in arabic people say all the time how do you say my name in arabic last week at a comedy show this guy was like hey man how do you say my name and i said what is it he goes gary i was like i don't know we don't have it i'm sorry your name is because we don't have gary now here's what happened okay for probably nine months this guy at work called me samir i had enough it was just one of those things like i let it slide for a while he's like hey samira can you help me i was like that's it this is ridiculous it's my hair i'm gonna go tell him i've had enough so i walked up to him and i said hey um dave can we talk and he goes sure sure but it's john [Laughter] oh never mind a very awkward experience hi he's a terrorist too but i um no he's not that was last reference i promise yeah so i used to you're gonna love this ready for this one i uh i used to be a state trooper yeah yeah cool i was the worst state trooper you ever seen and you're you know why because i would stop a car and then i'd forget why i stopped it it was weird i was just thinking about other stuff let's pretend this is a car okay a very small car and i would walk up to the car and from here from my car to that one i would forget why i stopped just immediately i would just walk up and go hey how's it going hey um do you know why i stopped here you want to take a stab at it or anything or just a wild guess terrible so i do work uh my full-time job is actually for the federal government thanks it's a lot of fun we live in the northern virginia dc area town called falls church anybody familiar with foster yeah that's uh it's nice we bought a house there for a very small house from the 1950s great deal 3 million and i'm just a lovely bungalow and the thing is northern virginia and dc area like any expensive room they sell you a house they don't really know what to tell you they just know it's very expensive and ugly you know look this one's close to the metro it's um six miles you can walk they never know how to sell expensive houses in the dc area this one has a kitchen there's a bathroom but it's not attached you have to go outside it used to cost 11 million now it's 13. um do you want it after a while i gotta wrap it up but um so i was living in sunny san diego for a couple of years anybody in san diego in san diegoans yeah beautiful city loved living there and i had an amazing opportunity to do comedy in las vegas i was excited my first comedy gig in las vegas i was so excited and the booker said my hair here's the thing you got to be here tomorrow you got to be a quick because we need to we're showing somebody dropped out please come in i said okay no problem i was going to drive but it's like five and a half hours so i decided i would fly i'm just like you know i was on a whim it's like i'm a comedian i got to do this so i get online i make a huge mistake i booked uh spirit has anyone done that yet does it fly here does it fly here spirit to salt lake i took spirit now for those of you who aren't familiar with it the ticket was 19 dollars the bag was 142. i don't understand how the bag has first class doesn't make any sense so i get to the airport it's this giant yellow plane it's like sitting like this and it takes like a deep breath it was like like it looks sad the next thing is the plane didn't actually take off a giant man came out and picked us up and just threw us to las vegas and we just i love getting on airplanes early and watching people get on the airplane have you ever noticed you're the only attractive person in that flight you're the only reasonable you're the only one that took a shower that morning have you ever noticed that and people that like okay the other day my seat said f5 all right here it is f5 i sat down some people walk in like they have no concept of the alphabet or the order 1 to 26 they just come in and just [Laughter] do we sit on the floor like what no people that turn around and walk the other way like where are they going i forgot something like what i get on this spirit flight i'm way in the back row seven i get on this spirit flight literally my seat is a loose stool that was my seat it was one of these planes where it had a row of two and then a row of one you know which is just really smart because now you're just sitting there in an island by yourself you've got somehow you simultaneously have the window seat and the aisle it's really nice i get on this plane uh mistake number one is i dropped my phone have you ever dropped your phone on a plane it's impossible to retrieve it physically your body cannot contort to that position once you drop your phone you just go and everybody knows it because they hear this i hear that and everybody looks was not mine was that mine you can i have dislocated ribs and shoulders to get because i have to read that text so bad just this and just barely i have laid down on the floor to just reach which is not good when your middle eastern on a plane and i have reached just terrible idea i get on this plane normal coach flight is like this right it's about like that is that fair this is economy plus this is coach this was spirit this is this guy was so close to me he kissed me twice it's vegas nobody cares he just he kissed me so then i'm flossing his teeth the whole flight then he backs up now it's you know and then the other thing about spirit is they don't give you free water they don't they if you if you want water and you pay for it they just come around with a spray bottle and they go there you go sir open your mouth it's terrible now here's the only good thing about spirit okay a terrorist could not take spirit because he couldn't get out of his seat okay listen to me listen to me where's my phone hang on hang on never mind thank you thank you last couple of minutes here i'll tell you a story a very sad story i was born uh in a large catholic family and then raised in a southern baptist home which makes me incredibly confused frankly but we got baptized in lebanon as babies and then we moved to the south my mom insisted on getting baptized now let me stop there and tell you the middle eastern society culture um isn't really swimmers we don't jump in the water necessarily we go to the beach we go nuts but we have our shoes on which is weird but the this is my beach wear actually but [Music] there's no lebanese dive team you know the olympics just standing there looking in the water just i cannot just too deep sorry game over my mom insisted on getting baptized she insists massive church everybody's watching it's a big day for her excited for her and they got the pool you know my mom comes down all right she's she's walking like this like a man on the moon she's like oh my gosh and she's speaking in arabic which is scary and she's going like this she gets to the middle okay normal person gets baptized they go bloop and they're done and they go around you know it's quick and your body your body bends and then my my mom for some reason went like this like her whole body she was like titanic reversed she kind of went like this just completely flat and the preacher didn't know what to do she just goes all right how long should i hold her down there i don't know hey man i guess she comes up there's makeup and arabic everywhere it's just [Music] she's she i mean to be quite honest with you i don't think it worked but um but um and the weird thing is like it's hard to get baptized in a life jacket but it's um hey guys my name is thank you so much for coming out appreciate it thank you [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 773,635

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Maher Matta, Maher Matta Dry Bar Comedy, Maher Matta Comedy, Maher Matta Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, The Middle East, The South, arab comedian, jordan, Lebanon, born in the south, dbc, stand up

Id: 355SZ4k29PA

Length: 22min 26sec (1346 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 28 2021