If A Woman Asks You this She’s into you. Richard Sarvate - Full Special

oh my god he's exactly what we need for depressed applebee's manager number three i live in los angeles it's um it's well i'm doing entertainment so it's fun but then on the other hand you start getting body image issues um i recently went in for an audition for a commercial the description of the role was skinny guy not in shape i was driving over i was just thinking man i hope i don't knock this out of the park that would be so depressing i walk in there the director is like oh my god this is our guy yup richard i just love the way the skin is just hanging from your bones margaret get in here you have to see this oh my god he's exactly what we need for depressed applebee's manager number three where did you find him uh i'm single i um why are you laughing at that i'm single i was i read this article online it said uh nine reasons you're still single i was like if it was one or two i could do something my problem is that i just don't know when women are into me i was walking down the street this woman she comes up to me and she goes oh my god you have nice eyes um do you know where the movie theater is i was like i don't know um i could look it up for you she goes i mean i could do that and then this is how good i am at flirting i said so what do you want to do here i just walked away i was like people are so dumb ten minutes later i was like i'm dumb so now i developed a new system because i can't have that happen to me anymore from now on if a woman asks me a question i assume that she wants me i have to i was at starbucks this girl this girl comes up to me she was like hey do you know where the bathroom is i told her straight up i know you want me you know you want me dolly do you ever do you ever text somebody that you're dating and then the longer they take to respond the more you turn into smeagle from lord of the rings that's my whole life just like oh it's been 30 minutes she could be busy she hates us she hates us [Music] so stupid [Applause] [Music] maybe she doesn't seize our text messages no she sees she sees and she doesn't respond [Music] she loves us uh i just had a birthday i just turned 35 so oh yeah thank you that's a nice reaction you have because i told this girl i'm 35 and she goes don't worry what she goes don't worry you don't seem 35. i said this is not a medical condition it's just my age my hair is thinning though you know losing your hair it's like being in a relationship with someone who's leaving very slowly the way i feel is like if you want to leave why don't you just leave don't just grow more distant every day [Laughter] i've been having conversations with my hair i live alone [Music] i'm just sitting on the couch watching tv what's going on man where are you going my hair is just like well you know we had a good run uh now i feel like we're just growing apart i'm gonna shave it off really yeah that way i can be like i broke up with you [Laughter] now that i know i'm gonna be bald i feel this like very deep connection with bald people i love them i don't know what you do sir but i support it what do you do what's your job yeah you the guy with no hair the only guy with no hair in that section i bet they're the best signs on the planet i just love bald people before i knew i was going to be bald i hated pitbull [Laughter] thought he was the worst rapper ever now the thinner my hair gets the catchier his music sounds comes on i just start turning it up you know you want me i know you want i'm just like dolly my god he's so deep i i know i'm 35 because i recently got into an argument with comcast customer service i called comcast i was like i need to reset my password the guy goes okay first you have to answer your security question what's your favorite movie i said mad max fury road cool graphics cool acting cool fight scenes he goes that's not it he goes do you want to guess again [Laughter] i said you want me to guess my favorite movie [Laughter] it's mad max fury road [Music] he goes sir that's not what it says here i got mad i was like dude i made this account five years ago i'm not allowed to evolve as a person what do you think i did for five years you think every time my friend asked me hey dude do you want to watch a movie i was like listen i made a promise to comcast it turns out my favorite movie is the lion king that's not secure at all any seven-year-old can just hack my comcast what's your favorite movie i like the lion king you're in i'm just getting into all these like arguments now that i'm now that i'm in my mid-30s things just are just annoying me like especially the way people order at restaurants because people these days think they can ask for any substitution that they want like um could i get the arugula salad with asparagus but instead of arugula could i get [Music] a burrito people think the menu is a first draft i walk by this uh this sushi restaurant outside it said tokyo sushi just like mom used to make come on you guys remember right [Laughter] you come home after school your mom you know she's got your favorite thing ready you know plato cookies some milk and then a salmon sashimi platter that's the worst marketing ever you can't use any slogan for your company what if i was like an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind lens crafters [Laughter] live every day like it might be or last kaiser permanente uh well this is you guys are great this is a fun crowd i do a lot of stand up and i meet a lot of people sometimes i meet weird people like a couple a couple days you seem like a weirdo [Music] last week i got off stage and i shook this guy's hand his hand was dripping wet i said what's going on here he goes oh i just came out of the bathroom then he goes don't worry it's just water i said what are the other options you think i'm in my head right now going oh my god this guy just pissed all over his hands now he's meeting people what a confident man i wish i had that much confidence you know like hi i'm fernando don't worry it's just this [Music] [Laughter] i'm not a confident italian man named fernando unfortunately i'm a indian man named richard my dad didn't want teachers to have trouble with my name i appreciate that but if i have a son his name is going to be like krishna subramaniam hanuman vijayaswamy like during roll call i want my son's teacher to feel racist she shows up to school she's all happy she's like good morning kids let's do roll stephen i'm just looking through the window you know i'm like yeah she's never seen this many syllables you know um i don't think school prepared me for the real world like i remember the dare program i am not getting offered nearly as many drugs as i said i would based on that class i thought like you walk out the front door and you have to start dodging needles [Music] i got to high school i realized oh you have to be cool to be offered drugs [Laughter] i was in zero danger [Laughter] the dare program for me should have just been richard you just keep doing what you do nobody is going to approach you with or without drugs don't worry it's still a comedy show guys [Laughter] i was always a nerd like i used to play so many video video games as a kid but the games i would play as a kid i love those because in the game if you did something right the narrator in the game would say nice things to you and make you feel good about yourself you remember like like a great job loves you wow never got this far [Laughter] i'm still like fairly nerdy fairly awkward like i have weird interactions with people regularly uh i was at a bar last month i was waiting for the bathroom the guy who used the bathroom came out and we locked eyes and i was like oh no like what face do i make [Laughter] so i just started smiling and then that was so awkward and i was like all right well now i have to say something to break the tension but then i did that wrong also because i was just like how was it i still have ptsd from that i do some physical humor i move around a little bit you know the only reason we have uh social anxiety in america is because there's so few people you don't meet new people that much i went to india there's so many people that you cannot have social anxiety india is so crowded that if you put your hand on your hip like this people start looking at this space right here they're like are you subletting it's so crowded in india that if you hold the door open for somebody that's your new life [Applause] sorry i just need to breathe women are so interesting uh when they break up with a guy because they have to sugarcoat it because they don't want to hurt anybody's feelings you know so it always comes out like listen like i think you're awesome but let's be friends but i think you're awesome i think a doctor should give you bad news the same way [Laughter] like listen like i think you're healthy [Laughter] to me you're in perfect condition but this paper says you have tapeworms [Laughter] i don't think you have tapeworms but this test which is 100 accurate says you do it's not you it's the tapeworms my friend told me to try to meet women at the grocery store he said just go to the nearest grocery store and talk to women i said okay but for me that's 7-eleven i don't think i can find love at 7-eleven just like hi you look stunning next to those 242 taquitos and then i don't think i can flirt while that door noise is in the background you know how can you flirt while that's going on [Music] she's like hi i just wanted to come over here and so i just thought maybe me and you could just [Music] have a great life the things i just don't know anything about dating because my parents didn't teach me anything my dad is the worst person at dating in the world my dad married my mom and don't feel sad but my mom turned out to be a paranoid schizophrenic and i asked my dad i was like how did you not know when you married her and he goes oh i just thought she was weird i just stopped the conversation right there i was like who's crazier my mom who's a schizophrenic or my dad who's like oh this girl seems quirky this is the only woman my dad has ever been with so he just thinks all women are like this so when he gave me the talk it was like listen men and women are very different okay men are from mars women hear voices my mom's a paranoid schizophrenic but my question is what's a regular schizophrenic like if you're hearing voices i think you're allowed to be a little bit suspicious who's this doctor out there diagnosing people like okay so you're definitely schizophrenic but one more question does it bother you yeah so they didn't teach me anything about dating i hung out with this one girl we hung out like four times and on the fourth time she goes listen i think you waited too long to make a move she goes i think you missed the window i was like can you reopen the window she goes no it doesn't work like that i told her i was like um i don't think you know how windows work dude after that conversation i had to drive her home what like if you're gonna end something with somebody you gotta do it at a place where you can both part ways you know don't be like yeah i don't think we should see each other anymore and i'm like okay but there's still like a week left on this cruise [Laughter] so anyway that car ride home was so awkward man we didn't talk for a long time and then at one point she goes oh it's very stuffy in this car i was like yeah sorry i wish i could open a window thank you guys so much i've been richard sarvati have a wonderful night take care have a great night you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,307,848

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Richard Sarvate, Richard Sarvate Dry Bar Comedy, Richard Sarvate Comedy, Richard Sarvate Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Going bald, baldness, too skinny, dating, flirting, audition tape, wardrobe, overly confident, confidence

Id: tMVNNp0ml4s

Length: 24min 23sec (1463 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 29 2020