The Best Way To Get Out Of Debt Is To Go Bankrupt. John DeBoer - Full Special

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I am happy to be here and share with you tonight. I know you've been waiting for it. For the first time in my life, I am totally, completely, 100% out of debt. I did it. (audience cheering) Yeah. (audience applauding) I did it. I went bankrupt and . . . (audience cheering) Feels good to have that stuff paid off. (audience laughing) What a load off my mind. And a sense of accomplishment. (audience laughing) Raise your hand if you've ever gone bankrupt unless you're on a date. (audience laughing) Nobody? One guy. Have you really, sir? - [Dan] Yeah. - What's your first name? - [Dan] Dan. - Dan. Nice to meet you, Dan. Hey Dan, was that the best thing you ever did in your life? - It was all right. - Yes, it was all right. Yeah, people are all ashamed to go bankrupt. They are. They're like, "It's a bad thing." Dan, you got to keep your house, right? - [Dan] Yep. - You got to keep your car, right? - [Dan] Yep. - Got to keep the furniture, right? - [Dan] Yep. - Got to keep all the things you didn't tell 'em you had right? - Yep. (audience laughing) -The only thing you lost was that guy calling you for money every day. (audience laughing) There's no downside. A friend of mine tried to make me feel guilty, 'cause it was all credit card debt. And she's like, "John, you knew "what you were getting into. "You should have to pay back "every penny of that." And I said, So did they. (audience laughing) Hey, I didn't apply. Okay. They sent me the offer, I signed it, sent it back, we played a game, and I won. (audience laughing) I think if anything, someone should tell Visa not to gamble with money they're not willing to lose. (audience laughing) Here's where I think the problem is, is the difference between the way myself and Visa view the business model. Because I think they look at it as, like, a loan. (audience laughing) Loans are secured. This was just bad judgment on their part. Okay. Dan, Dan, do you have Netflix, Dan? - [Dan] No. - No. Lost that too, didn't you, Dan. (audience laughing) You guys have Netflix? Does anybody have Netflix here? (audience laughing) Okay. What is it, like, nine bucks a month, 10 bucks a month? All the movies you can watch. Same thing with your, your Amazon Prime, 10 bucks a month, free shipping, free movies, free music. Your cell phone, a hundred bucks a month. Unlimited text, unlimited data, unlimited roaming. Right? Well, that's how I thought it should work with Visa. (audience laughing) I'll give you a hundred bucks a month, you just make sure I don't run out of money. (audience laughing) And they quit providing the service. So why should I pay for something that I'm not getting? (audience laughing) I do not feel bad. Number one 'cause it was no family loan, no mom-and-pop shop, no personal loan, nothing like that. Okay. It was literally three creditors. Capital One, Citibank and Bank of America. Three companies that wouldn't blink twice to stick it to you, so I stuck it to them, for you. You're welcome. (audience laughing) Best thing I ever did in my life, man. Serious. I'm doing it again in seven years. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) Raise your hand if you have student loans. Who's got student loans? All right. Back there in the green. And where'd you go to school? - [Audience] Medical. - Medical school? Oh, so you really have student loans. (audience laughing) All right, and they tell you because they're government backed it's the one thing you can't go bankrupt on, right? Yeah. You can. (audience laughing) Put it on your credit card. (audience laughing) I got it all worked out for you, folks. (audience laughing) Bet you didn't know you're gonna see Dave Ramsey tonight. Huh? (audience laughing) It's about just not spending beyond your means. Like when I travel, the hotels I look for. I don't need a $250 a night luxury hotel. Because they just charge you more for everything there anyway. I look for the place on orbits, that's 80 bucks with free waffles. (audience laughing) And I'm a happy guy and I see everyone nod. That's the best. The free waffles are worth it. They charge you 13 bucks for a waffle at the Marriott. Okay. It's free at the Hampton Inn. And one time I was doing a show down in Florida, and they put the comedians up at, like, the super two or something. (audience laughing) And all they had was the continental breakfast, you know with the six month old wrapped Danish and the orange juice with the tinfoil on the top. I mean just a horrible breakfast but it was right next door to a Hampton Inn, so I went there and ate. (audience laughing) Did you know you can do that? (audience laughing) You can get free breakfast every day for the rest of your life. Go to a Hampton Inn. They don't care. They don't check. It's not a bad deal. (audience laughing) But this week, tonight, I am staying at my favorite hotel, which is a Holiday Inn Express, because they have the best breakfast out of any of the hotels out there. Does anybody know what they have at Holiday Inn Express that no other hotel has? - [Audience] Automatic pancake machine. - Automatic pancake machine. (audience laughing) I saw you there at breakfast this morning. (audience laughing) The pancake machine, people have you not seen these? Hey, the heck with the waffle maker. That's 1900's technology right there. The waffle maker, the first thing you have to do when you get there is clean it. I didn't wake up to do that. (audience laughing) Right? You got to scrape it off with that piece of plastic and scrape off the last guy's waffle. Doesn't even sound fun. Right? And then you got to spray it down with that. I don't know what it is, Windex or something, whatever they got in there. Could be WD-40 for all I know. Right? And then you got to pour your own batter and that's more of an art than a science because every machine is different and you don't wanna end up with a goofy looking waffle on your hands. Then you gotta stand there and you gotta close that 300 degree iron and flip it without burning your tired self at 6:30 in the morning. Then you gotta stand there and guard it. (audience laughing) To make sure no one steals your waffle out from under you. Or heaven forbid there's a little league team over there. (audience laughing) You can forget about eating altogether. Nothing worse. You go down, you're all psyched up for breakfast, and you see, like, 23 kids in their jerseys, you're like, "So much for that idea. "Guess I'll go next door and eat." (audience laughing) You guys, the pancake machine. This is a real thing. It's a box, this big. The size of a small microwave oven. It's got one button on the front. You hit that button and this thing farts pancakes. (audience laughing) It is just amazing. You just hit the button, go boom, and it just goes (fart sounds). And it's like, all you do, you just hold the plate under it. Like you just got a new puppy or something, you know. (audience laughing) We can shut down the patent office right now. We've invented everything we need. Haven't we? Seriously, science fiction couldn't predict a pancake machine. George Lucas could not think of this stuff. R2-D2 could not fart pancakes. (audience laughing) C-3PO never crapped a crepe. (audience laughing) 2001: A Space Odyssey, remember that? "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid "I can't fart pancakes. (audience laughing) "Will I dream of blueberries, Dave?" (audience laughing) I wish all the technology worked like that. Here's one new rule, I wish they would go back to the metal hotel key, until they can make a card key that works every time you put it in the lock. 'Cause there is nothing more frustrating than a long day of travel, and you get to your room, I'll tell you what, a couple months ago I was doing a show for a company in Des Moines, Iowa, and they put me up in, like, this luxury $300 a night hotel. I'm like, That's overkill. I just need free waffles. Right? (audience laughing) And I'd been traveling for two weeks and I had a lot of stuff with me. So, I had the cart, you know that cart in there, the one where you can never tell which way is front. Okay? And I had a lot with me. I had my suitcase, I had my briefcase, I had my laptop bag, I had my dirty clothes, I had my Legos. I had all the things that I travel with. So I lug it all over there. I check in and the guy's like, "Okay, sir. You're in room 917. "If you need anything, "please let us know." I'm like, okay you know what, I tell you what just don't call me in 10 minutes to see if it's okay. I'm sure it is. I'm tired. I wanna take a nap. He's like, "No problem, sir. "Enjoy your trip." And so I go over to the elevator up to the ninth floor. Oh, man, which way is 917? Because on one hand they have 900 through 921, and then 901 through 920. (audience laughing) Any math people here that can tell me? (audience laughing) Should I go left or right? (audience laughing) And I just had a hunch. So I just went that way. Okay. They're getting bigger on this side. Okay. And I get down there and I swipe my room card on my door and whoosh, red. Well, no sense to panic. It never works the first time. Right? Swipe. What do you do? Swipe it again. Whoosh, Red. Okay. Now that didn't work. Now what do you do? Flip it over. Put the Domino's pizza ad facing the other way. (audience laughing) Whoosh, red. Slow it down. Rrrrr-red. (audience laughing) Try it backwards. Der-rrrrR. (audience laughing) I saw you all get that at the same time. That was really cool. (audience laughing) All right. So obviously I'm not getting into my room. Okay. What am I gonna do? Leave the cart up there? No, I have to take the cart all the way back down the front desk with me. And I know the kid at the front desk didn't invent the thing, but I'm a little irritated anyway. I'm like, can I get a new card key for 917, please? He's like, "Oh, you must've "put it in your pocket "next to your cell phone." I'm like, don't make this my fault. (audience laughing) "All right, sir. "Here's a new card key for 917. "If you need any other help, "let me know." All right. Back to the elevator, back to the ninth floor, back down to the end of the hall, swipe my new key, Whoosh, red. Oh, are you kidding me? Flip it. Whoosh, red. Slow it down. R-red. Backwards. Der. And then I blew my stack and I just, I had to yell. I just went, (yells). Oh, 915. (audience laughing) Oh, there's 917. Beep. Hey, cool room. Look at this, stars on the wall and everything. (audience applauding) The problem couldn't be me. Could it? So then I get into my hotel, and first thing I wanna do before I take my nap is I wanna check my email, but I did not get a signal on my phone. Downtown Des Moines, Iowa, 21st century. I didn't get a signal on my phone. I'm like, Ah, man, it's all fine. I'll just use their internet. And I logged onto there, they wanted $13. $13. It's free at the Motel 6. It's free at the cheapest hotel on the planet, but it's $13 at a luxury hotel. Why? 'Cause they're like, "Well, you're dumb enough "to spend 300 bucks for a room, (audience laughing) "You got another 13 bucks "we can have." (audience laughing) But they had me where they wanted me and I needed to check my email. That's work. I wanna see if I got a gig coming in. So I'm like, all right, fine. So I log into their system. I put in my credit card number, I log into my Gmail and for what? I had one new email. Yeah. A receipt for $13. (audience laughing) Oh well, it was on my credit card. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You really didn't wanna laugh at that one, did you, man? You're like, "I helped pay for that email." (audience laughing) What an awesome crowd. Thank you folks for being here. And thank you for sitting up front. You know, a lot of times at a comedy show people don't wanna sit up front. They're afraid. Right? They're like, "We don't wanna sit up front. "We'll get picked on." I'm like, that's what Lincoln said. (audience laughing) Oh, don't tell me too soon on that. (audience laughing) Really? I'm gonna put that joke on the internet and maybe in 150 years when we're ready for it, that joke will go viral. And people will say, "That guy was ahead of his time." (audience laughing) We're just here to have fun. I don't want to offend anyone. I really try not to. You know, and people say, they're like, "That must be hard "being a comedian. "People get so offended these days." And then I just look at 'em and I go, You know out of all the shirts you could have worn today. (audience laughing) And then they walk away. I guess they were right. Everybody's got their trigger words. So just be kind. You know what? Even when they say, you know what? "People get so offended." I'm like, yeah, well not if you know your audience. Okay. Because everyone's got their trigger word. I have a friend who gets angry. He goes ballistic, when you shorten his name to Bob. Yeah. He gets all mad. He's like, "It's Michael!" (audience laughing) See, you guys are my new friends. You guys, I'm a comedian. This is my only job. I don't get out much. This is my human contact for the day. Okay. When I'm not doing comedy, I'm pretty much at home building robot fish. (audience laughing) Yeah. I know you just went, "What?" Yeah, really. I do. Because you can. 3D printing, all that. Yeah. One day, I was looking at a pool and, like, the pool needs a fish. And then I thought the chlorine would kill it. Okay. Then it needs a robot fish. So I made one. And It's two feet long. It really swims in the water. It's a shark. It's a robot shark. I call it the Mark two Cuban. (audience laughing) And you can control it by talking to it through a phone, voice recognition. Like you can talk, and if I swear at it, it turns red and gets mad and stops swimming. Right? I call it arti-"fish"-ial intelligence. (audience laughing) Hey, I got a muskie. Ever heard of a muskie? It's a Northern fish. I named that one Elon Muskie. But that's it. I like, you know what? Because, I'm not on social media. I am not. Raise your hand if you're not on Facebook. Anybody in here? One, two, Dan, right? You, one, two, three, four, five, six. (audience laughing) Yeah. See. Hey, we could start our own little network. Yeah. Then every day we could message each other and go, "I don't care what you're doing." And then get on with our day. (audience laughing) Wouldn't that be nice again? Huh? Okay. Okay. I am on Myspace. (audience laughing) Yeah, for the peace and quiet. (audience laughing) Oh, you guys, that's awesome. I'm the only one there. It's really my space. (audience laughing) If you hold Myspace up to your ear, you can hear the ocean. (audience laughing) I am not, like, I have friends who they get mad at you for not being on Facebook. Hey, I'm just doing what I've always done since I was born, which is not be on Facebook. Okay? But now people get mad and they're like, "What are you running from, John?" I said, you, Lisa. (audience laughing) And every thought you have. I'm happy for you. For your life. I mean, congratulations on inventing children, and . . . (audience laughing) Sure you're very proud that he's gonna be an advanced placement, Pre-K (audience laughing) for the second year in a row. (audience laughing) Remember when cell phones first came out? Well, you certainly do. So. (audience laughing) He's like, "Hey, I remember "Morse code." All right. No. (audience laughing) Remember when cell phones first came out and you saw somebody with a cell phone. You're like, "Oh, come on. What are you, a big shot? Mr. Importante? Gotta be on the phone all the time. Yeah. Who's Mr. Big shot now? All of us. Right? We're all. Kids have smart phones. I see a five-year-old kid with a smart phone. I'm like, oh, what are you little big shot? (audience laughing) Got a big Lego deal going down, Timmy. Huh? What are you trading Pokemons with your little buddies, Braden and Kayden and Hayden, and Jayden, and Xaden, and Taden and we need more letters in the alphabet 'cause we need more aidans. (audience laughing) Homeless people have cell phones. Yeah. They just call 'em home phones, but. (audience laughing) We can't live without these things now. Come on, who brings it into the bathroom with ya? Yeah, because you can. 20 years ago, you had one newspaper, 20 minutes, you're done. Now you have all of the world's knowledge (audience laughing) In your hand. And you'll answer phone calls. I've done it. I know some people in here. Yeah. You need to take the call. I haven't talked to him for a while. You're like, "Hello? (audience laughing) "Ah, not much. (audience laughing) "Just sitting here." (audience laughing) Right? And they're none the wiser. They can't even tell. They can with FaceTime, but . . . (audience laughing) That's what we're supposed to be worried about now, is the machines. The rise of artificial intelligence. That's what Elon Musk and all those guys are worried about now. Right? You've heard about that? Okay? That, one day, the machines are gonna take over and decide they don't need us anymore. Like Siri, is supposed to be artificial intelligence. Okay? I have Siri on my phone. So, let's see how close she is to taking us out. What is my name? - [Siri] I don't know who you are. But you can tell me, in Siri settings, tap on my info and then choose yourself from your contacts. (audience laughing) - Wasn't the whole point of Siri just to be able to not have to touch your phone anymore? (audience laughing) That doesn't sound like self-aware. Okay? Or maybe it's because I've never treated Siri like an entity and actually introduced myself. So let me try that. My name is John Deboer. - [Siri] What can I do for you? - What is my name? - [Siri] I don't know who you are. (audience laughing) I think we're safe for a while, folks. (audience laughing) I think we're safe. I don't think we have to worry about self-aware anytime soon. Okay? I'd be more worried about self-conscious. Right? Siri going, "What does the Alexa have "that I don't have?" (audience laughing) Well, she knows my name. "Do I look fat in this phone case?" You're not exactly an iPhone 4 anymore. (audience laughing) We can't escape our technology. Hey, who's tried disconnecting something. Once they have your money, they don't wanna let go of it. I tried to get rid of my satellite television. Who's made that call? It's like, no, I called them up. I said, Yeah I'd like to discontinue my satellite television. She goes, "Oh, can I ask why?" I said, Yeah, it's just not worth the value. I don't watch it that much. She's like, "Oh, okay, "well what in particular "don't you like?" I go, the channels. (audience laughing) She goes, "Well is there anything "we could do "to keep you as a customer?" I go, yeah, give it to me free. (audience laughing) "Well, sir, you know I can't do that." I go, Well then maybe don't offer to do things you're not willing to back up. (audience laughing) And she goes, "Well, no all I'm trying "to find out here "is what in particular—" I go, see look, look I know you have a script. I know your job is to keep me as a customer. But I'm calling to cancel my satellite and that's what's going to happen. So why don't we just fast forward to that part of the script, (audience laughing) where you go, 'Okay I'll cancel your satellite.' And then we'll be done with it. And she goes, "But sir, "I'm not reading from a script. "I'm just trying "to have a conversation." I go, Yeah, I'm not. (audience laughing) I'm trying to cancel my satellite. And she goes, "Well, it says here "you've been a good customer "for four years." I said, I was with my ex for 10. She wasn't this hard to break up with. (audience laughing) So, I go from here, I'm gonna go see my father. He lives in Washington, DC. No my dad, actually, my dad has Alzheimer's now. And I know you're like, "That's not a good "comedy premise, John." But, I laugh at it because comedy takes the harsh out of harsh reality. Okay. Here's the thing. My step-mom, she tells me, she goes, "Now John, your father's "gonna repeat himself, "and I don't want you "to get frustrated." I said, Sally mom, my dad's been repeating himself my entire life. Okay. 'Cause 10 times a day growing up my dad would say, "I love you, son." So, anything he says now, that's all I hear. I'm 13 years old. My dad would come into my room when I'm laying in bed he'd just stare at me and I'd go, can I help you, dad? And he'd go, "Nope. "Just want to tell you I love ya." Yeah. And I say, and you wonder why I get beat up on the bus, dad? (audience laughing) You're raising a woosie. I hope you know that. (audience laughing) Dad, come on, smack me around. Man me up a little. Would ya? (audience laughing) Last time I went to Florida to see my dad, when he lived there. I'm a grown man, my dad still gives me foot rubs. Is that weird, to some people? Oh, your parents don't love you? (audience laughing) Right? And I sat down and I took my shoes off. I'm like, all right, pops. You know the drill. And he goes, "Is this the only reason "you come to see me?" I said, Yes it is. Get to work. (audience laughing) And he's rubbing my foot for awhile and he's got good hands. And I'm like, Oh yeah, Papa. Oh yeah. Right there. Oh yeah. Big toe. Big toe. Oh yeah! Hey, do the little piggies thing. Hey do that. You know this, oh nevermind. All right. And then double tap. That mean switch, you're done. Right? So he does it for awhile and he's like double tap. I'm like, Okay. Do that one for awhile. and he's like, "Oh yeah, "it's good to see you." I love you, dad. I miss you. And about five minutes of that. And he's like, "There. How's that?" I'm like, no, no gotta make it even. (audience laughing) Yeah, I really did. (audience laughing) Yes I really did. He did that. And then he's like, "How's that?" And I go, no, you didn't do the other one, dad. Hour and 20 minute long foot rub I got. (audience laughing) I was so relaxed when I was done, I didn't remember my own name. (audience laughing) That's the thing. I took him to get a haircut. And on the way to the haircut, he kept saying, he's like, "John "didn't I have some rings on?" I go, Dad, Sally's got 'em in a box for safekeeping. Don't worry. And then two minutes later, he's like, "Son, I could've sworn, "I had some rings." I'm like, Dad don't worry Sally's got 'em in a box. They're fine. And, like, five more times. So finally, when we got there, I just decided, I'm like, I'm gonna make him remember this. And I go, Dad, look at me. Dad, look at me. Your rings are at home. Okay? And he goes, "Okay." I go, your rings are at home. He goes, "Okay." I go, your rings are at home. He goes, "All right." I go, Repeat after me. My rings are at home. He goes, "My rings are at home." I go, say it again. He goes, "My rings are at home." I go, one more time, dad. He goes, "My rings are at home." I go, Dad, where's your rings? He goes, "At home." I go, Where are they? He goes, "At home." I go, Dad, where are your rings? He goes, "At home." And then he goes, "Where's home?" (audience laughing) And I said, I don't know. And he said, "Well, then we're hosed." (audience laughing) I'll leave you on this. Here's where I saw it happening. My dad came up to Minnesota where I live to go see some family. Right? And we're driving down highway 52 to my cousin's dairy farm. And my dad's in the passenger seat, my step-mom's in back. And my dad's like, "So where are we going?" I go, Dad, we're going to Cari's, remember? And he goes, "Oh, who's going to be there?" I go, Cari. (audience laughing) And her husband. and your brother, uncle Ken and Diane. He goes, "Oh, we staying overnight?" I go, no, Dad, we're going there, you're gonna go with Uncle Ken tonight, then you're going up to Crookston, then you're coming back to my place. And he goes, "Oh, okay. I read ya." And I did. I looked at him and I go, for now. And my dad gave me that look, the stink-eye that, "I brought you into this world, "I can still take you out" look, right? And my step mom, she's in back. She gets one elbow up on each seat like Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon two. (audience laughing) And she's like, "You know what I think it is, Don. "I just think it's the way "JP explains things, "that's confusing." (audience laughing) And I go, oh yeah. So, we're on our way to Cari's, I can see how that would mess you up. Yeah. (audience laughing) I go, after that you're going to uncle Ken's for the night to Crookston, then back to my place. You still with me kids, huh? Yeah. And I go, oh yeah and if you look out the window to your right, you'll see corn, 'cause you're in Minnesota! Surprise! And then I did, I looked at my dad and I go, Oh and by the way, dad, I'm John, your son. My dad looks at me and he goes, "For now."

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Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 348,806

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Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, John DeBoer, John DeBoer Dry Bar Comedy, John DeBoer Comediian, John DeBoer Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Debt, Getting out of debt, debt collectors, Bankruptcy, bankrupt, hotel room key, hotel key

Id: zEttyWurZcw

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Length: 26min 36sec (1596 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 03 2021