The Most Dangerous Joke Ever Told. Mark Christopher Lawrence- Full Special

what happened to him who killed him everybody's ruined with before we get started let me just say this a couple of months ago I was doing a charity event in La Jolla California Southern California a big yo ritzy party thing and I've had a mansion and preface that by saying everything in my act that I tell you that the story in my act it's probably a true story that actually happened to me and I embellish it to make it funnier but most of the stories are true stories and so this particular night I'm at this charity event and and I'm about 14 minutes into my hour set and the host comes up and he said I'm sorry mark and he's reaching for the mic so immediately I'm running through my head did I say something that was off-color for this charity and then he says is there a doctor in the house there happened to be four doctors in the house that night one of them was the head ER doctor in San Diego I killed the guy that night with jokes if you had to die somewhere that night that event was the place to be because they brought him back and he woke up giggling I killed him my jokes brought him back so what I'm trying to say to you is here tonight is this if you know you have a problem with the ticket I can't be responsible for your health just getting it out then and I was the only black guy in the room [Laughter] apparently again so my mind started racing yeah what if the police woulda came and said what happened to him who killed him everybody's ruined win and now I gotta have a standoff with the police then I end up in a cell with bubble-bubbles looking at me so what you in for I killed the dudes bubble with his joke [Music] are we clear [Applause] I'm glad to be here I'm glad to be able to travel all over this beautiful country of ours and and and I spent a lot of time down south and I'm gonna tell you folks the south is alive and backwards I was in Missouri Missouri it spawning themselves off as being Midwest it's the south they had me fooled though they they flew me into Kansas City now Kansas City is a metropolis lots of nightlife arts and culture great restaurants a lot of five people just like we have here in Provo tonight but they picked me up at the airport drove me two and a half hours into the woods that was black people didn't even know they were free this is the south right they were going don't you tell no jokes about NASA come see you free I was in a small little town in Missouri Sedalia Missouri three teeth in the whole town the mayor had a moon is bracelet first it was all black folks that somebody's at home stage this is gonna be fun I said I'm glad to be here in Missouri somebody said we saved Missouri does that you say it wrong barely not as smart as your friends over a little silver because that bookmobile then get the mizura that often suffice it to say that Missouri is home of the big girl they fancy the biscuits I realized that there's someone for everybody and I'll tell you guys if you are a chubby chaser if you like them puffy Missouri might be the spot for you you can get a sack of biscuits and hang out at the park they'll follow you to your car like pigeons I realized I'm a big guy I was a little guy in Missouri people coming up to me going how you doing man pretty good ma'am nice tooth I ate terribly in Missouri everything was fry you ever go somewhere to eat no matter what you order they put something fried on your plate whether you ordered enough fried pickles fried tomatoes fried bread I ain't so much grease in Missouri now I drink a glass of water it beads up in my throat I did find one thing fried that I loved fried candy bars somebody took a candy bar wrap that in cinnamon rolls dough and then chucked it in the fryer who was I to say no cause everyone that fourth or fifth one my heart started double-clutch it up I'm gonna one me at the fast sweating butter people are coming up not even trying to help me they're dabbing their biscuits on before head I got home I figured I better go get myself checked out they say inside every fat person there's a thin one fighting it out there's a fatter one in me right now I'm losing the battle my doctor says I'm an anomaly to him says that most people retain water it appears I'm retaining me and I understand it my mother's to Louisiana so I grew up with me at every meal anybody else like that my mother give you a whole ham for a snack she's a baby dinner won't be ready for about an hour take this ham I'm four years old dragging a 40-pound ham around half so now I'm trying to get back down to my fighting weight honey get back to that place where I'm happy you know I mean here you know what I'm talking about that that that loose place it I don't want to lose too much weight though I don't wanna be like that guy it's a job you know the guy the guy who lost like a hundred pounds and every day he comes to work bragging about it you know I lost over half of my body weight I lost over a hundred pounds but he still has that big jack-in-the-box head dude you lost too much do you have a hard time finding hats I don't want to be that guy I don't want to lose I don't know losing the love handles either cuz it's been with me for so long like an old friend through thicker and thicker you know you can squeeze love out of your love handles give a get cut off up there on the highway makes you want to bless somebody out jesus loves you and your fancy lane change you can't do that when you're skinny gotten into squeeze on so you got to stick your pink in your bellybutton you spend the rest of the day trying not to smell it there's nothing hamburgers but doctor told me I need to get on a diet I can't do it I'm like one day huh two three four days off if at first you don't succeed I have another fried candy bar hope for the best that's my logic and so many diets out there that's my prop which diet is gonna be the best diet for me get the zone the Atkins the Scarsdale Hollywood 24-hour diet that's supposed to be a great one comes with a plastic surgeon right now I'm on the Clydesdales diet mostly consists of hey hey give me some of this hey don't take that away yet I wasn't done yet they say in order for you to maximize the potential of your diet you got to work out I started working out at a new gym you might heard of it curves first day they give you a personal trainer she stood me front of a full-length mirror she says mark we're gonna identify your trouble spots [Music] I see it every day it's all travel as if you really want to identify my trouble spots shouldn't we be looking in my refrigerator that's where the trouble starts still Michelin introduced me to muscle confusion I hadn't worked out in two years when I started working out at the curves I said my muscles are confused cuz I'm here they're going where's the couch machines a good trainer great trainer I played sports all my life from the time I was a little kid in the fifth grade throughout college I've had some of the best trainers in the world with the University of Southern California and we had some of the best trainers there that you could possibly imagine but this trainer at the curve's best trainer I've ever had barred none this is how good this trainer is at the curves first six weeks my chest went from an a to a C cup I got you the gym one day my trainer said to me she says mark today we're gonna benchpress and I'm a man did I mention it you say to a man we're gonna benchpress we swear right up don't we guys [Music] boys get all deep yeah let's pinch press she grabbed two tens and put one on each side of the bar I was like girl get out of here with that get for them 45 some over there and put them on this side of the bar I'm gonna put four 45s on this side of the bar we don't benchpress like a man right here in the curves so we loaded the bar up ahead that arc in it you ever see that dude at the gym lifting all the weights you can't go home cuz he got your car up there so I get down on the bench I could ready to start bench pressing and putting the hands on the bar and when you start bench pressing you can't put your hands just wheelie nearly anywhere on the bar am I right guys well that makes Sheehan symmetrical right [Music] wow this is tough workout you can't go right beside muscle confusing you talking about alkanes you finally I get down on the bench up total weight right up what gravity is a funny thing the weight came down so fast little whistling sound I try to bounce it off my chest you know deeper into my chest [Music] the courage the woman's don't be embarrassed I did what every man in here should do if you find yourself in that situation I let out just a little bit of peace I feel myself just a squirt just a little spritz so I can think what to do next a splash so I could get a moment of clarity once you get that clarity your mind to tell you what to do roll it down you can see you wish you could sit up blame it on her you supposed to be spotting me you know I worked out in two years where those tens I work out hard when I'm at the curves to really trying to get myself together sometime and they try to put in some work I'll bench everybody at the curves nobody at that curves can help bench me there is one silver back of a woman who out curls me really strong 18-inch biceps she comes into the gym hot every time I see you [Music] yo homeboy you using them fifties no ma'am [Music] nice tooth I was working out hard at the curves one day right so I'll go home to shower because they don't let me shower at the curves no more and I slipped in the shower and broke my back true story I crushed my t11 get you some sticky stuff in your toe you know I'm talking about the match the stripes the geometrical shapes some sand something to stop you from slippin and slidin stays mr. BAE this particular day go home get in the shower and I could be cleaned I use the whole bar of soap in a shop I look like a snowman in the shower if you can picture that I get all snow band up in a turn to let the water hit me in the face like I've done so many times before without incident and all of a sudden I was airborne let me tell you something do 250 some hot pounds that you are suddenly four feet off the ground floating out of the shower it's a frightening situation I needed some clarity I needed it now I'm not gonna lie it was a lot of pretty comical water wiggle if you can picture find that clarity kicked in for me we out of shampoo this ground has a little moles in it I might need some CLR for that is this a new song I know I'll never buy no new shower curtain and then I hit the floor but now I'm laying down on the floor naked snowman peeing as I but I got two cats cats do not respect your personal space the cats picked the door in one of them is sitting on my chest his face this close to mine judging he said what's she doing down here was really freaking me out I thought I was dead I didn't know he could talk two years he said a word now got all kinds of equipment to shower with that velcro in my shell I think little booties that stick to the velcro I got those old man bars in there I got a system of bungee cords and a harness what a helmet and a mouthpiece I'm not even allowed to shower alone anymore thought I was gonna be late to this shows on the phone tells my mom I said mom I gotta go I could hop in the shower she said by yourself so you better get some money over there in adventure they help you into that harness [Music] you guys had a lot of fun now I'm getting older it's probably what slip in the shower I'll be 54 this year yeah don't clap [Music] it's not going down gracefully when I turned 40 this is how I knew I was starting to get old it's like I woke up the day that I was 40 and my elbow was in excruciating pain it was swollen and killing me so bad I went to emergency doctor takes a look at this scan and he says yeah yeah it's tennis elbow that's probably what they call would you do a practice because I don't know what it is about me that thinks that makes you think I even watch tennis my name is Mark Christopher Lawrence I'm originally from Compton California home of the drive-by shooting one of the many cities in America where the cost of living is going up chance of livings going down [Music] mark is my birth giving name mark christopher lawrence it's not a made-up Hollywood name you're like there's a lot of made-up names in Hollywood Ving Rhames that's I'm black almost 54 years I don't know one guy named thing except him see here's the thing black people we like to use that cue in names have you noticed that Shaquille Shaniqua I'm gonna mellow boy the other day Tyrone with a Q he said my mama fed the Q with violin I tell your mama turkey was stupid that's just dumb I was lucky my brother named his kids after things he likes cars he can't even afford Porsche and Bentley fellow fat nephew Hummer it was tough growing up in Compton it was tough I grew up in Compton doing the rise of the Bloods and the Crips I lived in a red neighborhood I went to school in a blue neighborhood so it was tough getting to and from school so one day I decided I'm had to join a gang so I don't get beat up going both ways I left school there like 11 o'clock in the morning to go join a gang right get there get my hat on to the side you know the gang says where they hats off to the side like that is had my pants sagging down you got against his wear vision have my stroll together you a gangster stove [Music] I left school at 11 o'clock got home at like 6:00 at night it's real hard to walk with your pants down there like that every 34 steps you gotta stop and go and that's gangsta I got home my mother was already home from work cooking dinner she's in the kitchen talking to a friend she said hold on a minute girl I'm gonna have to call you back this boy here done lost his mind she said why are you dressed like that I said I'm in a gang mom two weeks later when I came to when they woke me up out of that coma she put me in she was sitting right next to my hospital bedside she's like let me tell you something I'm the old gang leader I'm running this I got jumped in that day apparently I'm still in one of those 78 years old if I don't call her every couple of days she calls me at least messages it's your mama thank you note a number click I drop whatever I'm doing I gotta go calm her mama I'm not I believe in discipline she believes in education so I round of applause I believe you have children all right this is what my egg gets controversial how many of you believe in spankings and one my timeout folks that way she'll like two suits not allow people in the room but I'm not saying beat your kids to death I'm saying an early age give them a little bit of the Queen's wave so that when they get to be 13 14 years old you know you don't have to really knock them out yeah what no what no timeouts when I was growing up I was growing up you could whoop so long you try to call the timeout [Music] she had a switch seller it was climate control all the switches of label what kind of wood it was when she picked it she'd pull over anywhere to get these and get a piece of OWSLA tree baby how about give me a piece of that tree nothing you will she believes in education she made sure that we all went to school the gutter education cuz shall we said no one can take education from you once you get that knowledge in your head knowledge is power I believe that well my educators any educators in the room tonight what do you teach history English what what great seven Oh middle school say I suffer to teach to one day middle school junior high this little boy was pushing my buttons do you ever get a kid it pushes your buttons see I don't know how they know all the buttons to push so he was pushing them all he's running around he's throwing stuff he's pulling hair at one point he is standing on a desk like that far from me looking at me and defines me I said look boy if you don't sit down i'ma break your leg I know you know better than that he said you can't touch me let's say you know you need to be in school you don't know the difference between Kate and ain't supposed to he said if you touch me you'll lose your job I said yeah you probably right I'll probably have to get a job as a garbage man who by the way makes more than teachers so we'll be sending it from that superintendent me contemplate my new raise as a garbage man then you own them crutches you want to sit down or you want to live they didn't ask me back after that my sister homeschooler kids she's wicked soon you know I've been talking so long and now it's like about tie to home school my kids they'd be dumb as dirt count for me Marky won another one this one that one boom bless his heart my daughter smart my daughter's smart wicked smart she said to me one day she says daddy do you know girls are smarter than boys I said no baby I didn't know that she said there you go [Music] because it did you know your way home from me man you guys are a lot of fun I am looking out here at you guys and some of you looking at me like he looks familiar but I'm not quite sure what I know that's my life every day every day somebody walks up to me go did you go to uni mm-hmm maybe it's TV or something like that no that's not it [Applause] thank you that's not it I get defensive you know cuz I grew up in Compton you know so it's that defensiveness is in there so I try to keep it at bay you know I was at the train station when I didn't LA downtown LA usually I live in San Diego now so I usually take the train from LA to San Diego and so one night yep train station is right next door to the twin towers which is the county jail so one night I'm taking the ten o'clock train home and and I'm standing in the platform because it's it's it's near with the cars apartment I'm waiting for the train it's about quarter to ten nobody is down there yet and I see these two guys fresh out of the pen and they have like the this hot new day right fresh out of the pen they had their plastic bags with other stuff in the jailhouse luggage is what they had all his stuff in them and and I'm looking at them staring at me from a distance and so if you see me on the streets folks here's what I'm gonna say to you because I get defensive because I grew up in Compton if you see me on the street don't just stare just come up and say hey did you go to uni or something because when you just stare it makes me think do I need to get my hands out of my pockets because it's something gonna happen and so these two prisoners fresh out well former conveys their luggage are staring at me and and they start walking toward me so I go up on the platform I figure you know I better just go up here but better safe than sorry I go up on the platform and then they come up the other side of the ramp and they're coming toward me so now there's tension in the air and I see him and I got my backpack on and I'm not a fighter but I will I'll scratch you like you wouldn't believe so I give him a backpack off and I see him talking and one of them is talking more the other one I always heard that room you know if something happens you gotta get the one who's talking the most cuz that's the one and so I'm like okay I'm gonna scratch him right across the face hitting with that windmill and then they came up and said hey man we love you on that show Chuck [Applause] so what I'm saying is don't just jump it judge a book by its cover that's all I'm trying to say I love this job this is my favorite thing to do in all of the things that I do then as an actor and a comedian I love the live feedback I love to be able to come out to a different city and you get to learn a little bit about me and you know sometimes I learn a little bit about you and the thing I don't like about this job I don't I don't like having to go to the airport and deal with the TSA to get to it see there's no unified protocol for TSA in this country have you noticed that every airport is different you know if I knew I had to do X Y & Z I do XY and Z and everything would be smooth them all right you know I ring every time I go through the metal detector so now I just wear a hospital gown and foot socks I avoid the x-ray machine at all costs they save the amount of radiation you get from the x-ray is the same as when you go to the dentist every time I've been to the dentist for an x-ray they've draped me the lid Kate run a four flat 40 out of the room got behind a little pain a bulletproof glass push the button run ahead move the thing and run out again I'll get as much as I'd slide two years I have a whole other head growing out the side of my neck I'll be a comedy team at that point I take the pat-down every time most people don't like the pat-down to it because it's very invasive - touching everything can't stand it you get a pat-down you don't like it do what I do since they start padding just go [Music] that was so nice they'll be on next [Music] there's a couple of airlines I hate flying frontier air the bus in the sky looks like a bus in a third-world country they got chickens and goats on there you gotta pay for everything check bag carry on bag or air sir I saw you breathing you're gonna have to swipe your card I don't like Southwest either your bags fly free but you got a wrassle for a seat they don't give you a seat assignment now the copilot's all mad cuz I'm sitting in his seat I was on a Southwest flight and here's how you know you're on a small plane or either the guy in front of you that's a really big head this guy got on the plane and the whole cabin got dark and he said not even directly in front of me that's how big this dude's head is he's like sitting over there and I can't see the screen and the lady comes by would you like to purchase the headset and she looks and goes OH [Music] he's gonna need a noggin stabilizer they always say you know secure your own seatbelt make sure you you think that somebody actually sitting in a plane today that doesn't know how to work a seatbelt you think somebody's sitting there going oh let's see all y'all out here tonight I just want to leave you with this see guys we as the male of the species we are very sort of hands on we want to touch taste feel control that's who we are women want to talk about it because it complicated you you are ladies you very complicated and you've been complicated a long time here's how I know the Bible says on the sixth day God laid at him down and put him in a deep coma-like sleep he pulled the rib from Adam aside and in any form woman God didn't blew the breath of life into a woman and then God needed a break in fact he stopped creating after that I can imagine all the angels flying around but what about that does Bill platypus you know fix that there's a mess sounds like nah that's good that's perfect you can imagine Eve complaining about everything what when it's radnyx alone how come it's under water we had a laugh finally God woke at him up he says hey hey Adam Adam Adam good luck with that money is murder christopher lawrence folks thank for coming out [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 1,343,342

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Mark Christopher Lawrence, Mark Christopher Lawrence Dry Bar Comedy, Mark Christopher Lawrence Comedy, Mark Christopher Lawrence Comedian, Big Mike, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, dbc, stand up, jokes, laughter, prison, er doctor, doctor, curves, curves for women, slip

Id: _kjlBBw9AxI

Length: 36min 59sec (2219 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 02 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/thehalfwit]

Cool! I am saving this for later tonight.

Mark's a fantastic comic and a really decent human being.