Zoltan Kaszas "Modern Male" (Full Special)

it's good to be here I I fly all the time so it's nice to have a gig at home where I get to go to sleep in my own bed so I'm pretty stoked about that I fly all the time I should be the best at flying and I'm not I'm like kind of the worst I don't have TSA PreCheck yeah I know I should have it I should totally have it and I don't have it for a dumb reason I don't have it because you don't just buy it online if that was the only step I would totally have it that's why I have every dumb thing I have in my house it's because I had too many drinks and went on Amazon and two days later I go to my mailbox I'm like oh I was sad two days ago and now I have new coasters look at that isn't that wonderful I got brand new coasters so if it was like that I would totally have TSA PreCheck but that's not the way it goes you gotta buy it online then go to a building for an interview and I don't do that that's not what I do I'll buy anything online but you bring it to my door okay Amazon is ruined me as a human being I'll buy anything online but you bring it to my door all right I'm gonna answer it I'm be wearing a robe it's gonna be open all right I'm gonna feel like a customer in the situation but that's not the way it works you gotta go so I don't have this so when I fly I gotta be in line with everybody else you know people that fly once in a lifetime yeah these people they just show up to the airport covered in belts just head to toe every belt they own like what I gotta take this off dammit I'm wearing all of them there will be some lady with like boots up to their thighs like oh you had to go to a hot topic before the slight you're gonna need a spotter to take that boot off I wanna see that happen those are the people I'm behind so I'm usually having a pretty bad time and earlier this year I was flying out of Charlotte North Carolina I was flying home and it was early was 5:00 in the morning and there's only two people in the security line me and one lady in front of me I'm like cool there's gonna be fine and it wasn't because this lady in front of me was trying with a most amount of food I've ever seen anyone travel with in my entire life she's kept pulling snacks out of a carry-on just jams and jars and crackers and nonsense to the point where me and the TSA agent locked eyes and we just went that's how much food she brought that I had a non verbal conversation with a stranger about it where we just went I guess and then this lady I'm not making this up she pulled out a giant tub of cream cheese a big vat of it about that big just slump and that's when the TSA agent goes ma'am that's too much cream cheese and I could tell she had never said that sentence in her entire life all right she'd been around a while never had she uttered those words in that order ma'am that's too much cream cheese she never said that at a deli not at Nana's house never in her entire life I'll be honest with you I don't know how she knew is too much cream cheese I doubt they have a chart in the break room like hey everyone's allowed this much cream cheese but you clearly brought this much she just goes ma'am that's two ounces too much cream cheese and when she said that she pray that what I did that this lady would just throw it away we could go about our lives uh-huh we were dealing with a lunatic on that morning cuz with this lady did I'm not making this up she peeled off the lid and decided to finger out which she thought two ounces of cream cheese was and started flinging it into the trash that's when with my eyes I said I bet you didn't guess that's what was gonna happen I bet you didn't guess that's what she was gonna do that wasn't your top hundred list and guess there's no way at 5:00 in the morning this lady's gonna peel off the lid and just start figuring out cream cheese like a sloth on National Geographic and just start flinging it into the trash but that's what she did have you ever been up so early you can't react that's where I was who's five in the morning I'm watching this lady finger and cream cheese everything in me was like what in the hell is the matter with you you're the only thing that came out was alright I guess that's what we were doing that's how today's gonna go the worst part was I was behind her she's ahead of me all right this lady is now covered in cream cheese both hands she went through the body scanner like that just covered it great Jesus all of her luggage covered in it the x-ray machine a little rubber flaps cream cheese cream cheese all my stuff's next I'm behind her I'm pushing it through that mess I look up at the TSA agent I'm like I should sign over that pre-check huh shove my stuff in there it's dangerous out there that's what it's like traveling a lot of danger yeah no that's most of my comedy right there it's just observational and then like you know I go I'm becoming evil you know but there's a lot of my comedy I just walk around and look at stuff and I go that's pretty silly I'll talk about that at that same airport with the cream cheese lady I I saw a cowboy at the airport like a real one you know like a full-on one you know it's weird to see him there you know like I know Cowboys fly but at the same time you're like hmm this isn't how you travel you know it's still bizarre like it's wait it's like any time you see like an Amish person you know like outside of a postcard you're like what are you what are you doing out here with the rest of us get back on my refrigerator Hannah so anyway full-on cowboy this dude he had the hat the boots with the dirt the Wranglers you know just that kind of walk he add the dip you know the tobacco in the front yeah is that not the manliest look on the planet did you see that in another car and you're like yeah that's your parking spot cuz that's terrifying this dude was just exude a testosterone he's like a manly is just like a true noble of testosterone it's just wafting into the air he was walking by women they were getting pregnant that's how much is coming off of him wasn't even his fault they should have taken a healthy step back all right they smelled his pheromones coming all right so anyway full-on cowboy the hat the boots the dirt the Wranglers did get hit and then in his hand I'm not making this up iced vanilla latte I'd have paid a hundred dollars to watch that man order that latte can you imagine that just full-on cowboy my Adam dude you almond milk that's how I order it so figure that's how that goes down that's good yeah cream cheese lady traveling's dangerous don't let anyone tell you it's not I almost died maneuver this year that almost happened I was in an uber in Seattle Washington and I had an uber driver stopped on the freeway and I don't mean he pulled over I mean he brought it 2-0 miles per hour on the interstate and that's when I started screaming which i think is pretty normal in that situation I don't think I'm out of line or anything screaming things like hey we're all gonna die and that's when I found out he didn't speak any English so that meant nothing to him he just thought I was being rude back there's like ways like I screaming I'm trying not to drive right now this how the whole thing started I did a show at a club and then afterwards I was gonna meet some friends at a bar in downtown Seattle this place called the crocodile cafe so I ordered nuber and because I'm responsible and he shows up this is how I should have known that he didn't speak English I got in and he goes you're going home and I'm like no I'm going to the crocodile cafe he goes you're going home and like I was gonna correct him but I'm like why I don't care if he thinks I live there just take me to the thing on your phone ya know so he said you're going all the way yeah I don't care and he pulls out and his phone starts yelling directions Adam in a language I've never heard in my entire life and I'm like oh that's interesting but at the same time I don't need to understand that as long as you understand whatever the hell that say and it's taken us at the crocodile cafe slash my house we're good to go so I'm not paying attention now I'm out of the transaction I'm just in the back on my phone you know enjoy my life and then we're on the freeway and I just feel like we stop and I look around I'm like yeah there we are 1:00 in the morning in the middle of the five South right before you hit downtown doing zero miles an hour and I started screaming hey we're all gonna die but that doesn't mean anything cuz the only English she knows is you're going home that's all he knows and he's pointing at his phone and there was a fork in the road that's why he had stopped there's a fork and he's like I don't have that I don't because uh huh and I'm like you got to make that decision doing 70 that's uh that's a call you make on the run you just pick just pick pick one even if you pick the wrong one it's alright we'll get a second chance we can fix this you know how we won't get a second chance we get plowed into from behind cuz you're doing 0 miles an hour on the interstate it's not gonna be a fun accident we're not gonna high-five and exchange information there will be a fire so I'm screaming at him and he finally starts moving he starts going and he eventually gets me to the bar and as I walk into the bar the first thought that came to my head was I should have just driven drunk I should have just drunkenly driven my rental car and I know that's wrong but I don't care how drunk I wasn't that night I wasn't drunk enough to stop on the freeway i mighta hugged another lane a little bit but I wouldn't have brought it 2-0 miles an hour everybody stopped there's a fork in the road we're not going anywhere till we figure this out so it's dangerous that day don't let anyone tell you otherwise I don't want to make it sound all bad there is good stuff out there there's been a good year for me this is my first year of acting like a real adult so it's a good you know I did it real adult stuff this year bought a couch this year yeah I'm not trying to sound like I've never had a couch I'm just trying to say I've never paid for one before all right you know what I mean there's always been one around I can't remember the first place I ever moved into my buddy and I there was like a couch next to the dumpster so we just picked that up right in the apartment sprayed some Febreze on it and then a year later the lease was up we were moving out so we picked it up put it back next to the dumpster and I just thought that's how caches worked we know apparently there's a whole store full of them you can just get a new one so I got a new couch so it was cool I paid my taxes this year never did that before first-timer Anna and I'm not trying to sound like a tax cheat either I've always filed my taxes but all the other years the government was like ooh looks like you need this in fact here's a little extra we're worried about you we don't know how you're getting by this is the first year they asked me for money and just like that I'm now a Republican first 31 years bleeding-heart liberal we got to help everybody so this year the government's like you owe us $13,000 like oh it sounds like the rest of you need to pick yourselves up by your bootstraps come on here pulling the damn wagon stuck behind the cream cheese lady I was dying to nuber in Seattle this is my money that's my favorite joke cuz that's for everybody right that's a bipartisan tax joke right just one sides like oh that's funny he's being ironic and the other side you see in the light [Laughter] [Applause] scoot here though man I went out I also got me a retirement got me one of those retirement plans I kept hearing about you got a retirement sir no oh you're just rolling the dice alright I'm out there man I got a retirement and I'm a comedian we're not supposed to have a retirement we're just most like dying a hotel room this is the guy at the bank said he goes hey here's looks like diet a Hampton Inn and I'm like yeah I'm trying something different so let's give me one of those retirements annum so I went in there I got a traditional IRA because I don't know anything because do you want a Roth or traditional and I'm like I don't I I enjoy missionary position let's go to this no let's make eye contact during this retirement so I got a traditional IRA I honestly I thought it was gonna be a great experience going and getting a retirement I'll be like oh good I'll be taken care of in my later years it wasn't bad it was a really depressing interview that's all it was super depressing his first question out of the gate she goes well when are you gonna retire and I'm like I don't know what are people saying and I'm like when's everyone else retiring and I know you're not supposed to live your life that way like oh if everyone jumps off a bridge or you yeah I'm not gonna be lonely up there just some sad lonely man walking around on a bridge by himself I'm going with everybody else so I'm like what was everyone else retiring he goes well a lot of people now are saying 68 and I'm like alright put me down for 68 and then he goes alright now how long do you need this retirement money to last you and I'm like oh you witnessed me when I'm gonna die and he didn't say yes we also didn't say no he's just kind of way oh my I don't know what's everybody's saying I wins everybody else dying yeah and he goes well a lot of people are saying that they need this money for 15 years after 68 and I'm like what will happens if I live 16 years and that's sorry I think you got annoyed is he cut me off he goes look do you want it or not I was like all right I'm in so I got a retirement I'm retiring at 68 and I need to be dead 15 years after that if I live beyond that you guys gonna be seeing some GoFundMe he's going up cuz I'm in some trouble that scares me I never really thought about how long I'm gonna live until then and I was like man we're gonna live for a long time all of us in this room advancements in medicine we're gonna look for a lot longer than we think we are I never really thought about it until actually this time last year I was watching the George HW Bush funeral the reason I was watching at funerals cuz Bob Dole's name was trending on Twitter and the reason his name was trending on Twitter is because at 94 years old Bob Dole stood up out of a wheelchair and saluted the former president and I was like hell yeah I'm watching that video I love heartwarming stuff like that like I wake up every morning watching those dodo videos on Facebook are you guys into those if you guys don't know what it is I'll explain a dodo they do every video they take like two adorable animals so just take like a puppy and a duck and throw them a little baby pool and then they play around they'll put piano music in the background dah dah dah dah dah it's a puppy and a duck they don't have parents but they got each other do they do you know I watch those and I cry that's how I start my day it's a good healthy crime Nana so here I have on Twitter and on my they got video of 94 year-old Bob Dole standing about up a wheelchair to salute the former president hell yeah I'm watching that I'm ready to have the cockles of my heart warmed so I hit go on that video I don't you guys saw that video that's not what standing up looks like poor Bob Dole didn't stand up at all there was a giant man next to him that picked him up against his will it honestly didn't even look like he was trying to stand him up it look like he was trying to add another body to the box okay before you seal that up I got one more for you more pop goes just lifted against his will and like a marionette saluted and just jumped off and wheeled off to another activity and I'm like that's what 94 looks like they never show us that anytime someone gets really old in the community like if someone makes it to a hundred the local news shows up and it's some ladies like 104 and she still takes a Jazzercise class you're like how'd you make it - 104 she's like I never stopped dancing you're like oh I could do that but not Bob Dole just being resurrected out of a wheelchair just watch the mat go on how to help they get a suit on him looks terrifying something you gotta keep in mind that's good I've been thinking about you know how long I'm gonna live I don't like the trajectory of who I'm becoming that's already in question right they're now saying every year I become less patient and I complain more I can't wait in lines I can't do that anymore there's the line I guess I'm not doing that plans have changed I can't do it anymore and I complained out loud I used to be able to keep my complaints in my heart where it belongs but it's coming out not even to anybody just out fur at all you know like if you've ever been in like a credit place like I don't know like a farmers market or a mall or something and off in the distance you just hear someone use yeah just why and you're like who the hell is that that's me that's your wife but um it's really bad and I travel a lot and every place every town I go to has like a famous burger place hey you'd be anywhere you'd be in Davenport Iowa and someone would be like oh you've never been port you gotta go to Slappy's meats that's a best burger and the whole damn State you better get over to Slappy's meats and I'm like all right man I like burgers I'll go check this out and then I go over there and there's like a lime coming out of it I go oh I guess I'll never know and I go to a Wendy's that's what I do there's never a line at a Wendy's I can't wait in lines one time I had to pee I was connecting at an airport I had to pee and I ran and there's a line coming out of it and to nobody I L oh I guess I'll just hold it and I ran off people were just hurting around going who the hell was that guy they just saw me stamping off and that's me at 32 it's not good it's not a good trajectory all that stuff I used to make fun of Millennials I used to do that until I did a google search I realized I am one now I don't think they're that bad that's exactly who I am right there I'm a total hypocrite I will make fun of a group of people till I realize I am that group of people and then I go come on you guys they're all right if I did have to pick on Millennials I think our big issue is we're too self-aware we know exactly what's wrong with us and why and I don't know if that's healthy because nobody seems to be getting better they just know what's wrong with everyone's like I have anxiety it's like oh what are you doing about that nothing I'm telling you so you work around it [Laughter] and say you know that's you half the battles won yeah established but then people are too quick to tell you what their ailments are shut up about him a little longer Anna within meeting somebody like I'm excited cuz when I was eight my brother locked me in a closet kept me there all weekend it's like that's for tomorrow that's her if we meet again tomorrow that's not for now we just met and it's not like we're the first generation I have anxiety it's just we're the first ones to look into it ya know previous generations had anxiety they just didn't know what it was they're just like I don't know when I go to Costco my cheeks tingle and they kept it at that they didn't have time to dig into their claustrophobia issues this is how it goes there are benefits there are things about Millennials I like we've renamed things more positively and I enjoy that like I'm a 32 year old man who lives in a studio apartment than any other air I'd be considered a loser but now I'm called a minimalist how much better is that that guy's not going through a divorce he cares about his carbon footprints that's what's happening here and it's a hero that's what it's like out there I live in a studio apartment you guys don't know what that is that's when it's all there all living I like living in a studio I've never lost anything Anna like before I came to the show I'm like oh where's my wallet oh there it is right there so easy to find things when there are walls in the way all your belongings centrally located pretty solid the only time I don't like the the studio is if I bring a nice young lady over it's a little presumptuous cuz my bed's right there and I don't want her to think we have to go to that area of my studio oh we can keep this date in the living room kitchen quadrant right over here so this is what I do to make it feel a little more comfortable I have a quilt that my mother knits and I put that over my bed and I make note of it as I give a tour of my domicile from the doorway the Welcome is my studio right now we're in the kitchen that's the living room area that's my bed but that's a quilt that my mother knits and you can just see the tension I'm down in their eyes everything's gonna be alright and I'm like of course it is and that doesn't mean we can't go over there like if the day goes really well of course we can we can go over there we can fold the quilt together walk towards me fold it up put it away onto the Sexson you can tell by the way I said that it doesn't happen a lot and he divorced people at that clamp it up if your divorce alright good happy claps I like it I'm going with through a divorce i I didn't like to tell people because usually when I tell people I'm going through divorce if you people going oh and it's like how do you know that you know what I mean how do you know it's an odd situation how do you know you shouldn't been going off when we were together you don't know that you're just making an assumption I think it's because we have a negative connotation on divorce in this country and I don't know why I like I remember when I first split up with my ex I told my buddy okay I'm going through a divorce my buddy's like oh man sorry about your failed marriage you want to take a little off of that yikes I'll be honest with you I don't look at my marriages failed my marriage is just like your marriage we just got through it quicker that's all rest of you guys are super slow all right you're taking that coastal road doing 30 miles an hour my ex and I were on the freeway doing 90 going let's hurry up we have other marriages to get to my marriage wasn't a failure it was efficient I'm still technically married because the paperwork is hard to fill out it is I see why there's lawyers now it's not even like we're fighting over anything it's just hard like I was gonna fill it out myself in the first page is easy the first page you're like oh we're gonna be done by lunchtime it's gonna be great first page is like named hell yeah got one of those address yep got a new one of those it's the second page as it gets you the second page you got to write down all your assets but we didn't own anything we didn't have any kids some over there just going hell do you spell Keurig [Applause] which letter has the dot so I'm keeping that keeping the coffeemaker so I'm out there in the dating scene I don't like it not a fan of it I don't like modern dating I don't like there's a lot of sex without feelings out there and I'm not a fan sex without feelings is weird sex without feelings is it's sex without feelings is like going to cult stone but not getting any other toppings you know it's like really just a scoop of vanilla you could have done this at home by yourself you came outdoors for this what are you doing it's not a fan of I want a bad day recently or a bad day and it wasn't anyone spoke we just didn't get along the sushi was fine it wasn't the food fellas just we didn't connect you know sometimes you don't connect with people you know she didn't like anything I had to say I am like she had to say so I called it out I'm like this isn't going really well is it she's like I was like is out in the air and then a couple sockies later we're back at the studio and I'm like how the hell did this happen I like there was no nothing nothing not like I ever looked down at somebody and you're like she could have burst into flames and I would have been mainly concerned about the quilt do you understand so it'd have been like my mother knit that get the hell out of here she's too old you can't do it again I like you guys it's a good ground it's fire crab you guys are going along with it sometimes people get sad they do this is the worst I can tell these are healthy marriages and relationships here because any time I perform for a not healthy marriages and relationships they don't laugh at any of that stuff they're just like this is due to a fortune-teller what's this dude doing right now [Applause] so congratulations a lot of healthy relationship mmm yeah I like my life now I live in Normal Heights with a little studio there there's an alley behind my house there's a homeless guy back there I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fight what's going on it with me I don't know anyone else is preparing to fight a man without a home but that's where my life's at right now this is how it started I was walking to get coffee and I was walking down my aliens dude rode a bike past me and I nodded at him you know how you nod at people he gave him a little healthy I acknowledge you as a human being nod well he didn't not back and I'm like oh we're gonna fight to the death one day cuz that's what that means and we just don't know when we just passed each other in the alley every day just like is it today I gotta be honest with you that fight is gonna happen at alman wins he doesn't know but I've been taking a boxing class for three years all right he's not ready for the sweet science that guys he's not ready for that he's used to fight another lunatic some dude with a tube sock the little batteries swinging it over and that's not what I'm bringing to the table I got a good jab work my angles I take a fish oil supplement every morning all right this guy's not prepared I got omega-3 fatty acids coming out of the gills all right these joints are brittle minor lubed up ready for action that's who I am someday some days I'm that guy I'm ready to fight a man without a home he ever get called out on your nonsense you ever get called out you're like I guess that's not who I am I was driving I was driving to his show is merging onto a freeway and someone cut me off they zoomed me they're doing like 90 in the slow lane zoomed me came into the exit lane so I gave him the brights you ever flash the brights at somebody you ever give him that oh that's how you're gonna drive where you suck on that huh huh disrespect me like that get a lot don't even dare look in your rear-view mirror burn your retinas gonna put your shades on baby I'm bringing the heat so so I gave him the brights and then as soon as I gave him the brights the dude hit the brakes came back on to the freeway and that's when I went oh I've made a mistake and I told you I'm ready to fight this homeless man in the alley but I'm not ready to fight whoever this lunatic is this man certifiably insane this man just changed his whole evening itinerary he was leaving the freeway he was probably on his way home to have dinner with his family until I hit him with the bride's he's like oh never mind I gotta go fist fight a stranger on the freeway so now he gets back on now I gotta lose them you ever try losing someone that's ahead of you that is so hard that means I gotta catch up to him then ditch him you ever try to lose in someone while driving a Honda Fit extra hard I just hang it off econ mode and I love the environment but I need all 115 ponies to get out of this quagmire so my life sir that's where it's at it's nice I had a good thanks kid yeah it was good I got to see my mom a little bit I wearing my Fitbit that's what she got me for Christmas last year my mom got me a Fitbit I don't know if anyone else rocks the Fitbit now I always think moms are like five years behind on the hottest new gift I think my mom was like four I got like an email in her yahoo account she's like oh the hot new Christmas item that Fitbit want to get that for my boy so she got it for me and I loved it it broke on me but I love the fit it counts your steps it also tells you your heart rate like with that Fitbit I found out that my resting heart rate is 51 beats per minute which I didn't know I didn't know if that was good or not so I googled is that good and I found out it's not good I found out that a normal resting heart rate is which means 60 beats and a hundred beats and if you have less than that you have what they call bradycardia and I'm reading all that going but this is a Christmas gift you're not allowed to find out you have a heart ailment from a Christmas gift that's against the rules of Christmas hey how'd you find out your heart sucked the birth of Jesus yeah we do a gift exchange every year and that's where I found out it's horrible and I'm one of those people like I when I like I do like looking up the symptoms Brady caught bradycardia and I'm one of those people when I'm like reading the symptoms I now have all the symptoms I'm one of those people they'll give you a bradycardia you might also have a hyper thyroid like oh it's feeling hyper I didn't even know the thyroid was here thankfully there's a diagram next to the definition I'm like oh yeah right there hyperactive and they're like if you have a hyper thyroid you might also suffer from fatigue and I'm like a fatigued right now not thinking that I was doing all this at midnight right before I was going to bed yeah a little fatigued so I'm freaking out about it and I posted on Instagram like I'm gonna die 51 beats bradycardia by and thankfully one of my friends on there she's a nurse she works at a hospital and she responded she goes first of all you're an idiot second of all 51 beats per minute isn't necessarily bad it just means you have good cardiovascular strength that's all you're fine and then I responded well if it's a good thing then they shouldn't name it if it's a positive thing don't waste time giving it a name when you google 51 beats per minute just a big thumbs-up should come up you're doing fine no need to go down a rabbit hole or worry so that's what I did I just go I just went down I'm a total hypochondriac I used to be a normal person like you guys but now I have to look everything up I feel like normal people don't look things up normal people just wake up in the morning like now that's how my knee bends now I just make sure everything's to my left this isn't so bad not me I got a Google the patellar tendon at midnight going I think I tore my ACL pry from all these steps my worst case the hypochondria having last year where one night I thought I had bedbugs yeah yeah don't worry it wasn't bedbugs it turned out to be my first ever bout of hives but by the time I found that out it was way too late I thrown a lot of stuff away this is what happened I took a hot shower and I can't isn't midnight I took a hot shower I came out I had all these itchy red bumps down my side and I'm like bedbugs that's for sure what it is I travel every week this was bound to happen so I google image search bedbug bites hey you know I scrolled past the ones that didn't look like and then I found one it kind of did look like it I'm like oh so I freaked out I immediately grabbed my pillows throw I'm a dumpster in the alley behind my place I ripped a tapestry off the wall like they're for sure in that threw that out and then I'm watching youtube videos on how to get rid of bedbugs and there's one videos like don't throw your mattress away as I'm dragging my mattress out and they're like yeah don't throw your mattress away because bugs can be in the walls it'll just affect your new mattress and I'm like oh so I gotta burn the place no time to run this by the landlord this is an emergency and there was another video that said you got to be careful when you're throwing your stuff away because the bugs can jump on your clothes and come back with you my oh so you're saying I got to get naked alright so at 3 in the morning I took all my clothes off and I'm just dragging my belongings into the alley behind my dumpster behind my dumpster yeah I set that right good I'll be googling dyslexia after the show I was dragging I was dragging all my belongings the dumpster in the alley at 3:00 in the morning and I'm just praying none of my neighbors are watching cuz I'm like I don't need that they're just looking down they're like oh man we didn't know Zoltan was into meth look at him down there he's throwing all his stuff away those are worst night ever from midnight to 6 a.m. nothing but laundry nothing but scrubbing throwing stuff away watching YouTube videos reading blogs losing my mind and next morning the Sun came up I called every exterminator in San Diego for the first one that answered I was so flustered that I accidentally called it a terminator like how can we help you I'm like I need a terminator and they're like do you mean exterminator there's no time to split hairs is an emergency send your top guy so they sent an adult to my house a full-grown man he had his name sewn on his shirt he look legit and he comes right he's got a clipboard and a flashlight he's look around my little place and he goes dude I'm not seeing anything I don't see any bedbugs I don't see any evidence of bedbugs why in the hell do you think you have bedbugs and I'm like well I got these bites that are gone now and that's when it clicked I'm like I think I had hives do you think I had a ha he goes I'm not a doctor I'm an exterminator I mean terminator but I but this is how I know he was embarrassed to he wouldn't charge me I was like I man what do I owe you goes how about we just forget I ever came here and he turned and walks out of my place and I was just standing there naked going I'd be a hypochondriac we did nip this in the bud it's not a good trajectory I get down I like traveling that's probably my favorite part of that of doing comedy not that like the getting their part but seeing different places that's fun yeah I like going to places I could pronounce such a big thing people get particular you know if you can't pronounce the town like Escondido nailing it Ana no one's ever corrected me actually you're doing so good all the time I I work in Boise Idaho once a year and the first time I work there they're like actually it's pronounced Boise its Boise and I'm like alright oh okay just so you know nobody outside of here is calling it that that little tidbit of knowledge hasn't made it past the city limits but people do get particularly this time last December I was performing I got hired to do a company Christmas party in Louisville Kentucky most people corrected me immediately all right it was a big room was like 400 people I went out there I was excited to be there's my first time in Kentucky like hey it's so good to be here in Louisville I have 400 people immediately it's pronounced wool it's wool and it wool and I was like whoa I am so sorry Louis vile I apologized and they were angry it's wool and I'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa and then finally I'm like I can't all right I can't say I think I have too many teeth I guess [Applause] I think I have too many of these pearly white roadblocks in my face and I'm unable to go full oh I'm glad you guys enjoyed that cuz they did not I had a roomful of jack-o'-lanterns sneering at me it was tough to come back from it I didn't i bummed for a whole hour that's a long time to eat it here's the thing when your comic and it's not going well we're still optimistic up here we're still like in my head going I'm sorry I don't get them with the next one ya know but I could see in their eyes they're like no we remember how you started we're gonna hate you for I ruined their company I'm hoping and the aunt is really nicely catered dinner after my show which I was invited to before I went on stage like when I showed up the lady who booked music hey afterwards we got this dinner please hang out for dinner I'm like I'd love to I love dinner and then I went up and bombed for an hour and you don't hang out after that it's a little inside Pro comedy tip you don't bomb for an hour and then just sit down next to someone go what are we doing here chicken piccata ah you get the hell out of there so I went I had dinner at Waffle House that's right when I went to Waffle House yeah I'm a fan I'm a fan of Waffle House we don't have him here in town or in California at all I believe but anytime I perform somewhere where they have a Waffle House I get super excited I'm like hell yeah I love it and every time I eat there I'm like I wish we had these in San Diego but then I think about it and I'm glad that we don't because we wouldn't have the proper Waffle House waitress and that's what makes that place special like the food's great but the waitress is the heart and soul of that venue you walk in there speaking in riddles I don't know what the hell they're saying they make you feel wonderful the waitresses are like the life coach of the south they just make you feel great as you come in they look like they're all-knowing they look like they've lived ten lives none of the macmeister Iser it looked like they've seen some stuff annum so I walked in there I look way too excited to be there all right I don't know what this means but the waitress is like oh we better get him a seat quick he's shaking like a dog about to pass a peach seed and I just stand there going I have no idea with that he hits but I do feel welcome and then they went ahead and sat me at the counter and like two seats down from me there's a dude he looked like he just got off his shift at work it look like he had a rough day and the waitress came by brightened up his day filled up his coffee looked him in the eyes goes hey buck up life can't always kick you in the dick and had just sauntered off and I was just saying they're going who is this woman because I think I'm in love that's a ride-or-die you guys everyone's out there looking for somebody's gonna stick through thick and thin that's the Waffle House waitress all right it's not gonna be someone gorgeous gorgeous people don't have to put up with much you can't come home to someone gorgeous be like hey we got to live outside for a while they're gonna be like oh I don't good luck to you out there that Waffle House waitress she'll be out there with you living in the bushes sharpening butter knives making weapons it's a ride-or-die like I've been performing a lot in the south and last 18 months or so I do enjoy it down there the only time of year I don't like it is hurricane season for obvious reasons but really the reason I here a hurricane season is because any time a hurricane is about to hit the south they the news always goes to the trailer park and they interview someone who refuses to evacuate and that offends me personally because I grew up in the trailer park and he's making us all look stupid anyone here grew up in the trailer park one person all right single white or double wide friend double what easy there you one-percenter [Applause] what are you doing all that extra whip I grew up in a single-wide that's proper trailer living single wine I don't like my people getting made fun of because my mom would always evacuate us I travel all over the country and people always assumed because I live in California that our big natural disasters earthquakes and always tell him it's not like I've been through a dozen earthquakes since it's me and every earthquake it's me going is that an earthquake and then it's over and I go I think that was the earthquake nothing happens so all my bobbleheads are intact like nothing I don't need to call the insurance company everything's fine our big thing is fires like I that's what I tell people like oh the fires would get her way worse than anything else and my mom would have vacua to us before the fire department would like the fire department would come by and go hey you guys gotta go and that's when people usually evacuate my mom wouldn't even wait for that she'd see glowing coming over the hills and she's like we're leaving I'm like the fire department hasn't even come by and she's like we live in a paper house all right we could burn this thing down with a fart in a scented candles we're getting the hell out of here my mom was proactive is what I'm saying and that's why I don't like my people get made fun of when they go to the trailer park cuz really that one guy that are interviewing is the only guys sticking around everyone else left because they got a brain all right that guy's that guy's the only one and they go up to my hey man there's a category 5 hurricane comin right here in three whole days or you gonna evacuate no well what are you gonna do we're gonna hunker down and then go it's the end of the interview and then go back to you and I'm at home going I have follow-up questions questions 1 2 & 3 what the hell is a hunker down what is that how does one hunker down is there a pamphlet on how to how do you Hut to have what's what is you just up there down you just dip your head into your shoulders and you just hunker down and the storm goes over and then once it clears then you D hunker I am so sad every time they survive let's just mother nature trying to Swiffer up a little bit they miss the hunker that's good I usually travel by myself but sometimes I get to travel with a buddy of mine who opens for me it's very funny comic name's Justin Nickerson he's a good guy and I like him it's good to have a buddy out there we're working in Colorado Springs I think like two summers ago and his hotel they put us up at like a tennis court and he's like you want to play tennis I'm like I'd love to you know even I haven't played since high school even though it looks like I could be ranked put a headband on me and a fancy watch that guy ranked but I'm not I just I don't know anything yeah and I'm like yeah let's play but I forgot that my buddy Dustin is like really competitive he's like one of those guys that doesn't have a half speed like he can't play for fun you know these people like he'd be like the type of guy like if you organize a little Thanksgiving football game yeah he'd tackle your aunt all right you'd be like hey can you take it easy there's women and children here like no it's Thursday we're getting okay I guess that's what we're doing so I forgot that so we went out there to go play and I started I started the game so I served it I gave a nice little blue pea it's just a nice little we're playing tennis now little blue pea serve and it just went over and I just see him charged the net and I'm like what the hell so I run up to meet him and he just rips it over my head and I'm like what are you doing why are you playing dirty and he's like what do you mean playing dirty I'm like you know I'm not over there what are you doing right now we're just trying to get a nice little rally going that's all that's happening here we're not playing for some big bedazzled plate we're in the parking lot of a Marriott for God's sakes take it down a notch this is how he is he's so competitive one time he beat me in one-on-one basketball while he was wearing flip-flops you know demoralizing that is who wasn't even wearing shoes really he's wearing less than shoes and he was throwing all these elbows he hit me twice in the mouth with elbows and then I saw the third one coming so I just hugged him I just wrapped him up and I went to his ear and I'm just like listen your dad loves you all right I don't I don't know what all this is about but he loves you I just don't have that I'm not competitive I don't have that gene whatever the hell that is I'm missing it I think it's cuz I grew up without a dad hey guess who you learn that from I grew up with a single mom like I played sports growing up but it was different I got to play soccer and I'd come home my mom would be like how was the game I'd be like oh we lost it she'd be like oh so good yeah I agree like a dad would be like what you lost did you try super hard to listen to your coach were you good teammates you leave it all out on the field my mom was just like I don't know you got some son hung out with some friends sounds like a win to me I'm like yeah I agree it does sound like a win and that didn't play folk like I played football growing up play it for San Marcos high [Applause] I wasn't good but that team didn't have cuts so I got to be fine I played on a team with no cuts the only like the only way you get cut from the team is if you missed a practice you know and I never I'm sure the coach is like I was just kidding with missing practice but I never did I was there every day with my little helmet go on yeah what's up I played middle linebacker and so I played freshman year as a middle linebacker I was a six-string middle linebacker some of you already know what that means if you don't know what that means I'll explain six-string middle linebacker means that like for me to see the field about five kids got to die all right I got a hope one of the buses gets lost on the way into the game otherwise no playing time for the z-man there was one game where I almost had to play and it was most terrifying day of my life I still remember we were playing as El Camino high and they had a running back that year that I think was just a full grown man I think an adult was like I want to injure children and they let him I gave him all the necessary equipment he went out there heard a lot of kids that day mainly middle linebackers one after another kept coming out and slowly it was coming down to me and like I always wanted to play but not in this situation this is like I always thought like they'd slipped me in like the blowout like a fourth quarter blowout situation like I run in there get a cheap sack at the end like Rudy and they could carry me off like I did something those were my goals not this this is a suicide mission so scared it came all this out close to got to me came all the way down to fifth string who's a friend of Mines name is Anthony Castellanos and he and I never saw the field so this is a terrifying moment for both of us now right before he ran on the field we had a moment where we just looked into each other's eyes and he was just like I'll see you and I watched him trot out onto the field I watched him disappear in the fog and now I'm scared cuz this midway through the third quarter all right there's a lot of football left to be played and I please just make it till the end and I wish I could tell you he did but he didn't Anthony lasted one play that's how he lasted he went in the play happened the whistle blew I saw him come back he emerged from the fog but he's coming out like this now he's saying and I heard him yell from like 30 yards away I've never heard a human make this noise before but he just came out oh he stepped on my face now I'm terrified okay I don't know how much you guys know about football but it's hard to get your face step down there's like a helmet in the face there's a lot of equipment between you and people's feet and somehow he got his face moisture with a cleat mind you and now I'm on the sidelines going I can't go in there I got sensitive cheeks all right I'm so scared but that's when I found out like the one positive to being a six-string middle linebacker that is so damn low on the depth chart all right the coach didn't deem it necessary to put on his gameday clipboard so he didn't know who was next he's just running up and down the sidelines going do I have any more linebackers I need more linebackers no way oh I'm a kicker today I'm gonna kick her all year coach sir we're gonna stretch my hamstrings checking the wind that's right I was a coward in that situation I didn't go in that's cuz idea wasn't it all the other kids had their dads in the stands yelling stuff like leave it all out on the field this is your day my mom would come to those games but she wasn't yelling man she was yelling hey we don't have any health insurance duly noted ma try playing football knowing that if you get hurt it's staying that way takes a hustle out of you I also wear contact lenses I know you can't tell that's the magic of them but I didn't get him until after I graduated from high school so when I was in high school I wear regular glasses like it's right there and but I wouldn't wear them when I played because I didn't want some final destination injury so I used to just be out there blind like the times I would be out there I wit I'm a middle linebacker I don't know where the ball is I'm just kind of out there just going and I would see like a clump of kids going that way oh yeah hell yeah all right and I never see the ball carrier till like five yards in front of my face I feel like there is and I'd hear my mom's voice in my head we don't have a health insurance all right this way success in glory that way young man get all you can get but freshman year was my first year playing football I never played Pop Warner so when they handed out all the pads that's when I found out that most football players don't wear cups which was news to me that sound like pretty important piece of equipment but most people didn't I remember they gave me all the pads I'm holding I'm like where's the cup and they're like oh we don't hand that out you can go get one on your own if you want and I'm like I want that sounds so important like helmet number one boom helmet number two that's very important I guess I was wise enough at that age to at least see what everyone else did not that I was like egregiously in the locker room just looking to see who was wearing a cup but you know I was side eyeing the situation and there's only one other kid on the team that war cup his name was David and he got beat up every day for it you know and I know now we live in an era were very against bullying which is good but this is the early 2000s when we were against bullying but you know what I mean like there weren't any public service announcements about it there's no commercials no ad campaigns there's just like coaches would be like Hank you guys stop beating up dating and we'd be like no we really enjoy it so that was the area we were living in so I wanted to wear a cup to protect myself but anyone get beat up like stupid timid over here so my genius idea when I was 14 was to put my cup on in the morning before school under my underwear and out yeah I'm telling a roomful of strangers this and I would wear it all throughout the day and then at the end of the day I'd quickly put my football pants on and no one was the wiser shockingly I never got busted I never got caught there were some close calls like I remember in the classrooms remember the aisles were super narrow and gets your little desk so you'd have to weasel in there to get to my chair and one day I was weaseling in and accidentally bumped the corner or one of the desks very lightly just well and it sounded like and everyone's heads popped up like prairie dogs so what the hell is that oh my oh I'm not wearing a cup that's not what's going on here you guys need to calm down I like the camaraderie of it that's what I liked about it that's what I liked about team sports just hanging out with my friends I didn't really like the games that much or cared if we won I just like hanging out with my buddies I never got into the raw raw speech as coaches would give us these like speeches like these doomsday Armageddon speeches and everyone else was like yeah and I'm like I don't know I know if I agree we just come out here like there is no tomorrow there is no tomorrow and all my friends like tomorrow Sunday all right like I have plants what the hell is this guy talking about that's how it was that that I like it I don't know I feel for coaches out there like if anyone coaches high school football I don't know how you guys do it you know did you get fired if these 14 year olds can't get it together that's stupid these 14 year old losers can't figure it out out there a grown man and his family have to move isn't that dumb you imagine that just going home to your wife we're moving she's like why cuz they found out there was it tomorrow alright I don't know what to tell you get my resume together they're 14 it's tough I don't know how they do it I like I don't know how you guys feel but I feel like I live in the right era like for me I'm not saying you I'm saying me I know a lot of times people go I died I was born in the wrong part of time like I'm not this is exactly where I'm supposed to be I'm the perfect modern male for 2019 this is exactly what you will tell your grandkids about it's like someone that's like yeah he takes a boxing class but yeah I don't know if he could do any of it you know it's like that weird mix like I feel like if I was born in the 50s I'd be beaten with a shoe by like some dude with like a tight white t-shirt with a cigarette pack rolled up and this is like way more manly I can't but I'm in the right area like people can tell I'm not manly but but he looks like he's a pretty eclectic record collection you're not wrong there's some funky hits in there not manly someone asked me once if I could change my own oil and I was like I wouldn't even know where the hole is what are you talking about and how well do you think I'm doing that you think my garage has a pit in the bottom so that's how you get your oil change I take it to Jiffy Lube there's a hole down there we keep a troll of a person down there that he doesn't get to live in society with the rest of us we keep him in that hole some cracker jacks down there stay down there no I don't change my hook I'll be honest with you the scariest time of year for me is right now so winter time it's when I got to light the pilot light on my furnace it's a terrifying time for me why is it so scary that whole thing's covered in warnings you take the cover off of it the whole thing don't touch that this will explode that'll kill you I'm just trying to make it 72 in here why is this a life-and-death situation I'm just trying not to wear a sweatshirt indoors that's the only goal why is my life on the line that's a whole day event for me you understand that I got a pump myself up like a football player before a game there might not be a tomorrow we got to get this right [Applause] then I finally get ready to do the deed so I tie my hair in a bun cuz I don't want anything to catch obviously and then I get my phone out put on a YouTube tutorial video you know so 14 year old Malaysian kid can teach me how to light the pilot light on my furnace and then I get down there with the lighter and I'm like oh my here we go and every time I do it I step back and I'm like I don't know if this is how a real man attacks this activity like a real man shows up covered in gasoline strikes a match on his 5 o'clock shadow heat for everybody cuz imma back everyone's around it what up hell yeah I'm gonna go take a shot of a1 sauce see you guys for dinner now me I'm down there we go oh my eyebrows not man at least manliest thing about me I saved for the end of my show she's gonna make a lie to you not like but no matter how you react I'm leaving okay so it doesn't matter the least manliest thing about me is I can't drive a stick shift okay yeah listen to that yeah and that's what I'm used to that's what I'm used to every time I tell a room full of adults that I can't drive a stick shift everyone reacts like I just say oh hey everybody I don't have any testicles that's not what I'm saying I totally got two of them all I'm saying is I can't do this that's all I'm saying I can't do this you know why cuz this is stupid did you know this is stupid did you know they make cars where you don't even got it anymore did you know that hey listen when you're done churning your own butter why don't you join us in the 21st century so when you're done bookkeeping with your abacus why don't you join us in modern times you don't have to do there's no way you enjoy it there's a third pedal and a stick whoa let's go on a leisurely Drive isn't this right nope can't high-five you now I'm busy as hell over here look at me look at all this crap I got to do what's that a hill nice let's figure that out how do you even text in this situation I'm not a fan you guys have been wonderful I've been sold a gas [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Zoltan Kaszas

Views: 3,246,590

Keywords: Zoltan Kaszas, Cat Jokes, Dry Bar Comedy, Clean Comedy, Stand Up, Full Special, Comedy Central, Netflix, Brian Regan, Bill Burr, Nate Bargatze, Norm Macdonald, Marc Maron, Joe Rogan, Comedy, Tom Segura, Seattle International Comedy Competition, San Diego, Los Angeles, Cats, Travel, TSA, Entertainment, Jokes, Laughs, funny, Sinbad, Manscaped, Grooming Guru, The Comedy Store, Improv, The Laugh Factory, Comedy Cellar, Dave Attell, Doug Stanhope, Louis CK, Mark Normand, Humor, Hungarian

Id: VUuzkA0Qg6U

Length: 64min 57sec (3897 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 22 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/tutsmabarreh]

I loved it! As a car enthusiast the ending absolutely killed me.