"Kale Propaganda" - Jim Gaffigan Standup (Obsessed)

i'm happily married i'm married to a beautiful woman the type of woman that when i'm with her and people find out she's my wife there's usually an audible wow which i suppose is flattering but it hurts my feelings i'm not a yeti wow someone could approach me be like jim we've discovered your wife has no visual perception yeah yeah we don't need to correct that or anything she doesn't like glasses but i like being married i like having someone look out for me and my wife wants me to live longer we all want to live longer but how much longer like you ever see old people really really old people that look on their face they always have to look like i can't believe i'm still here i would have eaten so much more ice cream why did i ever consume kale can we stop with the kale propaganda that stuff tastes like bug spray i was looking at a can of bug spray it said made with real kale but that's the latest health trend there's a new one every six weeks when i was a little kid cottage cheese cottage cheese was considered healthy my mom and my sisters we're being healthy by eating this tub of cheese curds because to be thin you eat things that look like cellulite remember when pita was healthy peta is not bread it's from the middle east take cheese bad for you put it in pita it's okay that's why when i smoke crack i do it on pita we're still in the middle of the wrap face wraps are so good for you when you roll food it takes the calories out it becomes a sandwich one tada [Music] no calories it's like sushi but not enjoyable there's good fats and bad fats i like to think of myself as a good fat i did discover that i'm gluten free anyone gluten free here yeah i was just kidding you're a communist obviously people that are gluten-free are like any other american except for they're allergic to wheat the amber waves of grain doesn't mean they don't love their country just means they can't stomach the purple mountains matches those are the people we should be screening at airports are you gluten free slash a terrorist i don't judge i report you decide there's new milk every six weeks oh you shouldn't be drinking cow's milk don't drink cow's milk you should drink soy milk they discovered soy milk's all estrogen you should drink soy milk unless you want to have sons with testicles or you could drink rice milk and then discovered rice milk is like drinking carbs or you could drink almond milk because almonds make milk unless you have a nut allergy then you could drink hemp milk which is like a nut-free almond milk made from rope well you can try this new milk that's called cow's milk it's big in europe but really this is the kale era right kale is a super food and its special power is tasting bad it's inedible all you have to do is freeze dry it cover in cayenne peppers put in a shake and bury it in the ground kale is so good for you it's like a really bitter spinach with hair kayla's so good for you they could find out kale cures cancer and i would still be like i'm just gonna do the chemo all right i've tried the chaos haven't we evolved as a species so we no longer have to eat things like kale you know there were cavemen one day sun we no longer forage through weeds we eat poor the house steak and no longer sound like cookie monster now we go to yum yum donut gail i just can't stand the kale bragging i just had some kale no one asked you people talk about kale like it's a band have you seen that new album by kale i was at a school event because i have a thousand children and one of the moms was nice enough to make a bean soup so i went over and i tasted and i said oh this is very good and she leaned forward she goes i snuck some kale in there and no one to throw the bowl at her because she's trying to impress me with a vegetable oh wow you smartie well you know what i blame whole foods i do they're just bored at whole foods they're like what else can we sell these idiots just give me a plant not that one that's poison ivy wait can we make milk out of that give me the other one what is this kale it tastes bad i don't think it's good for him charge 20 bucks for it but i go to whole foods i do i waste my money there they should just have a garbage can at the entrance of whole foods with a picture of a wallet over it okay how many items do i get i get two okay um i'll have the grapes for 500. and alex i'll have the loaf of bread made of wood for 10. i'll put the rest on my amazon wishlist what is the business idea of whole foods it's like costco but instead of bulk you get nothing you ever look at your bill when you're leaving whole foods you're like wow i'm really not good at managing money because you only remember how expensive it is when you get there you're like these prices i'm too lazy to go to another store you win again whole foods wow that was amazing i feel like we really connected i think you're ready to move the relationship to subscribe if the button wasn't down there subscribe just do it do it

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 387,768

Rating: 4.9458165 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: ALmGGVAXCU8

Length: 6min 48sec (408 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 05 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/happykitty3322]

Check out his tv show too! Not super well known, it has Eddie -chandlers weird roommate with the fish from Friends in it! And the cute cupcake lady from how I met your mother.

[u/Pinkminx2]

Hot pockets...Do I eat it or rub it on my face?