"SUBWAY - Eat Fresh??" - Jim Gaffigan Stand up (Mr.Universe)

but Domino's they're doing the sandwiches because of the success of those Subway restaurants right the Subway restaurants are everywhere I got one backstage of my bathroom subway that was a bit of a disappointment subway right like a subway eat fresh and then you bite it in you're like that's a fresh I'm not fresh at all subway you probably walked by and breathed in that bread exhaust they pump out ah the smell of bread that was just baked in a dirty dishwasher I don't know if it's making me hungry or concern for the ozone but I go to Subway you know and not just because it's fun watching a clinically depressed person throw together your sandwich they make it right in front of us you think they do is a little bit of flair you want manage sure I feel like I'm at Benihana can I get a picture with you it's kind of awkward whether make your sandwich you just stand there wishing the sneeze guard was facing the other way as you watch them do everything in those plastic CSI gloves before they make your sandwich let me just tie up this garbage bag scoop up these heroin needles now what kind of triangle of cheese would you like on yourself that cheese they're mice that would turn down that cheese do we silently mind will them to try and give us another piece have you tried one of the subway melts where they heat up your sandwich and that toaster oven they stole from someone's dorm room just even a restaurant somebody shows you how lanes we've gotten right you know I can understand the convenience of a burger and fries yeah who's got time who's got a deep fryer but we're too lazy to make a sandwich when I could make run at home for 20 cents I could watch the sociopaths make it so guys are not sociopaths they do have kind of that faraway look in their eyes in my country I was Attorney General would you like Santa face us eat I love all the steps you have to follow it subway before they slide your sandwich in that plastic airsickness bag the first step is you have to pick out your bread and by that they mean pick out the color of your bread cuz it all tastes the same what the whole wheat colored bread or the Italian colored bread all the toppings are free at Subway what's next free napkins I think the toppings are free to distract us from the fact we shouldn't be paying for the meat they're so stingy with that nasty-ass meat at Subway just peel it off I get some a lot of ones or something enough here's three slices of ham can't you show something nice all right don't say it it going on for you it's so simple have you tried the soup at Subway and I'm not talking about the tuna salad I always get the tuna where they ladle out your tuna there's always that white puddle of tuna water it's like a tuna gazpacho just wanna bring in a really long straw oh that's where I cross the line those funny - look at that torna water joke my fiance is allergic to tonne of water and appreciate the in consideration as if anyone in the Washington DC metropolitan area would sound like this voice he's doing right now I think the exit actually changes the middle of the token somebody tell me they saw it drive through subway I don't even know how that would work all right pick out your bread drive up six inches lettuce tomatoes all you want to toast it how you gonna drive all the way around figure out if subway as often as I do you'll notice there's a front room and then there's a back room sometimes the subway guys go in the background I know the kitchens not back there cuz the kitchen is the toaster oven you think Jarrod's back there I'm the Great and Powerful Jarrett bring me the broomstick of Little Caesar Sharon I say Jared we all know who I'm talking about right we all like Jared he seems like a good guy but deep down we all color I see that fat Jared again come on Jared we all struggle Jarek you mentioned how obsessed subway is with keeping Jarrod thin Jared Merry Christmas we got you another treadmill and a bag of laxatives dig in buddy Jared he's hung in there you know he's kept the weight off he's been their spokesman for so long they're kids that don't even know about the fat Jared my 10 year old nephew thought Jared was the owner of Subway I was like no he's a big fat guy who ate all these hoagies now he's thin even my nephew was like well that's [ __ ] yes of course Jared didn't lose the weight just eating Subway sandwiches he switched from eating burgers and fries every day to eating Subway sandwiches every day so as a result we've you going to Subway as a healthy activity segment gojong or I go to Subway never meatball sub what level of delusion are we in or with you a meatball sub as a healthy alternative to a hamburger it's like how do you make a meatball sub you roll 5 hamburgers and the balls cover them in cheese put them on a bun that holds 5 hamburgers [Applause] [Music] hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand-up I have more stand-up before if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the Mike and Pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that I'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends police had subscribed and turn on your alert or a notification but

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 464,926

Keywords:

Id: G2bp_CYJbyw

Length: 7min 21sec (441 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 28 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/ryanq47]

Yo that was awesoem! We need some of these post Jared tho too