Funniest Exercise Jokes - Jim Gaffigan Standup

i'm actually winded from doing that he was out of shape i should work out it's hard to find time to work out when you really don't want to i can't do it now because i don't want to and later on i'm not going to be interested it only takes 20 minutes a day just 20 minutes yeah it's too many can you make it no minutes those workout clothes are comfortable to watch television in huh thanks to nike i think i'll finish this lawn order marathon [Applause] i do belong to a health club i see that membership card every time i met wendy's getting a triple i think those membership cards are kind of scary because obviously they exist because at one time there were people sneaking in to work out that's like breaking into the gap to fold sweaters that was cute but it's my fault you know i don't i don't like to exercise you know i don't think a lot of us do that's why they're personal trainers you know the person you pay to make you work out at the place where you already pay to work out doesn't sound like a pyramid scheme to me at all you can also throw money right in the garbage for a small fee i don't have a personal trainer really that's a shock you do that all yourself one time i joined a health club and i got a free personal trainer session the guy's like all right why don't you tell me what your workout goals are uh to not work out goals i'm just here so i won't eat for an hour can we drop this charade why is your shirt so tight is that part of the interview process what are you a medium here's an extra small now head out there and be condescending i feel sorry for the personal trainers that are out of shape what's their approach used to work out i don't you don't end up looking like me my favorite machine's the vending machine hey you want to go has these on a snickers i probably need a personal trainer yeah i didn't work out today that makes she's three decades occasionally i will work out and i'm one of those people whenever i do work out i immediately have grand plans you know i'm gonna work out every day then the next day i'm like well not every day i gotta let my muscles breathe a little i'll work out every other day then the next day i'm like i'm happy with the way i look i don't want to get caught up in that beauty culture it's hard to get motivated it's hard to get to the gym i actually live across the street from my health club it's across the street it's open 24 hours a day still can't get there i knew i wasn't gonna go even when i joined during that initial tour they're like here's where you can do sit-ups never gonna happen we have free weights too hard we offer hot yoga i'd watch i just tell myself i'm going to do that go in there and watch a hot yoga class you know bring a bag of potato chips not even a workout clothes dressed as spiderman excuse me sir i'm auditing i might take this next semester if i'm not too busy fighting crime it's hard to get motivated you ever go to the gym and not work out you just kind of wander around you know should i do the elliptical or i gotta go sure i burn some calories putting this outfit on even when i am working out at the gym i'm really just watching television you know i'm on the elliptical food network i'm gonna eat that gone i'm pretending to hike up a mountain while i watch someone make a lasagna that's like going to an a meeting in a brewery i am jam is that a keg over there it's discouraging when you see how few calories you burned right you're like 50 calories what's that like smelling a big mac well back to iron shaft thank god for those televisions you ever catch yourself watching someone else's television you're like you're not even on a piece of exercise equipment uh are you waiting for this machine i'm just waiting for this show to end they're making brownies can i grab a swig from your water bottle brownies make me mad thirsty it's hard i don't understand it you know here's here's something fun to do next time you have to wait for a treadmill just start jong in place behind someone using one can i pass to the left to the left everything you own in a box to the left you just don't know about me i don't understand the appeal of a lot of the exercise equipment you know like the stair master how'd they ever sell one of those hey you know people love walking upstairs i'm pretty sure people hate walking upstairs well hear me out these stairs are different they never end you never reach the next floor well what's appealing about that eventually you die then you don't gotta walk upstairs no more hey can i also interest you on a bike that goes nowhere why would you do this stuff for free when you can come in here and pay me to pretend to do it it's so simple i always feel like i go to the gym at the wrong time you know it's like packed the only machine available is that one that simulates the gynecological exam you know the sharon stone machine right never see a guy on that do you occasionally be a woman on there refusing to make eye contact with anyone i was like [Music] because there is no appropriate facial expression for this machine you can't be like yeah that burns you also can't act like it's too easy huh this is nothing i got the strongest crotch in the room not even feeling it fellas whenever there is a woman on that machine there's always a creepy guy stretching nearby hey what's going on today friday or saturday i've been making so much money i can't keep track there should be no talking to strangers at the gym yeah i'm always baffled when i'm working out and someone tries to talk to me it's like what's the logic he's sweating he's breathing hard he's got headphones on seems like he wants to chat what are you listening to call me instructions on how to kill you and some of the noises people make do you mind i'm trying to watch dog the bounty hunter here why are you sweating it's air conditioned in here you're the reason we have to wipe off these machines of course the most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym i'm always like what are you doing here you're done what are you rubbing it in luckily there's always one or two people at the gym you look at and you're like don't bother you're wasting your time then you realize it's just your reflection in the mirror [Music] i don't get the mirrors you know i don't want to see myself working out i know what i look like that's why i'm going to the gym obviously there's some people that do want that right they're like if i'm going to be working out i want to look at something like myself i want to look at myself while i work on myself i should do a recording so i can listen to myself while i look at myself while i work on myself as i leave through myself magazine read how myself can improve myself maybe i'll go to my facebook page and look at photos of myself read what myself has written about myself myself mere some somehow because they have the exercise equipment facing windows so in cities like new york and dc you can be jogging on a treadmill as you gaze into the eyes of a homeless man coming he does a good homeless man did you ever see a bodybuilder at the gym that's exciting right i always get nervous i'm like uh do you live here are you lifting the weights or eating them how'd you get like that and when i say bodybuilder i'm not talking about somebody who's muscular i'm talking about the guys that have gotten so big people are afraid to tell them it looks weird what do you think of that it's great it's perfectly normal i'm not too much going no no do you want money please don't kill me you ever see those bodybuilding events on espn the guys are up there like ah and everyone in the art is like yay yay clap in the match and we'll tear off our arms what are those people doing in the audience why are they there is way better than a movie huh i like the guy with the big muscles who is flexing who looks exactly like the 10 other guys of the big muscles who are flexing i wonder what this next guy's gonna do you think he's gonna flex because that's all they do they go up there and they flex you know there's no talent portion never see a bodybuilder playing the harp or anything cause those poor guys can't bend their arms like that he's gonna get his ass kicked for this joke i'm jealous you know i am jealous of bodybuilders because even if i did work out a lot i know i would never achieve the title of mr universe which is the highest accolade you can receive in bodybuilding really mr universe shouldn't we have consulted other planets about this we have the audacity to decide who mr universe is and we pick someone who probably can't name the planets in our solar system think about it this way the president of the united states is selected by an electoral college based on popular vote the secretary general of the united nations is chosen by a community of countries mr universe five italian guys from long island let's sell exercise mystery universe schwarzenegger arnold he was uh mr universe a couple of times you think he ever viewed being governor as kind of a step down this is so easy i used to rule the entire solar verse one measly state i can't believe he's doing an impression of arnold schwarzenegger why is it everyone in the world can do an impression of arnold yet he can't do an impression of someone that can pronounce the word california call it cop this is so hard we need water it would be weird to have that on your resume right i see here in 2006 you were mr universe you know here you're just gonna be a bouncer if you want you could be mr bouncer mr bounciverse please don't kill me i've been trying to swim a lot you know you always hear swimming's the best exercise but have you seen how fat whales are whales they're like swimming all the time it's not working whales not working whales always kind of sound depressed don't they rejected by e-harmony my facebook friends forgot my birthday why am i so bad at hide and seek fish always find me wouldn't it be great if we found out whales were in complete denial about how huge they are it's mostly water weight put a lot of water away spent a couple weeks there i stayed in this this really nice like bed and breakfast the woman that was running it every morning she would ask me she was like are you gonna go hiking today and all i could think was wow this lady knows nothing about me hiking not today or ever i wouldn't hike to escape the nazis like if i was in that movie sound and music and they're like to avoid the nazis head over those mountains that would have been mountains isn't there a basement i could hide in i mean like a finnish basement yeah more like a keg on an nfl season pastor i'm talking about i've been hiking the first thing you notice when you go hiking is it's a mistake oh we're not walking anywhere in particular there's nothing at the end of this trail there's no bar restaurant not even a vending machine we're just idiots there's always that moment when you go hiking when you realize oh no now we have to walk back there's no exit through the gift shop i wanna like hiking it's like horseback riding you wanna like it and then you get on a horse and you're like that's right i'm not a 12 year old girl get me off this poor animal but hiking is huge it's huge there's hiking clothing there's clothing for walking outside i thought all clothing was for walking outside and there's whole parts of the country the entire pacific northwest everyone's dressed like there could be an impromptu hike at a moment's notice well i'm going for a coffee but you never know what a hike might break out so i'll put on some sturdy shoes and a breathable fleece that joke was brought to you by patagonia you usually usually hike with a friend right and pretend you're in a viagra commercial how is your erectile dysfunction there's always that solo hiker that looks like they just got rid of a body was that guy with someone why is he carrying a garbage bag is that dexter why'd you ask me to walk in the woods but it's not just walking hiking involves an unnecessary amount of climbing you want to climb up here no i don't want to climb up there i'm an adult i have a driver's license i don't like climbing i don't like climbing into an suv you know that final step up i'm always like is this worth it i'm mostly healthy i worked out today i know i don't need to uh when i'm home in new york city i work out at the chinatown ymca and i realize when people hear the chinatown ymca they think oh that's not like a serious place to work out and it's not it's not at all it's mostly little kids learning how to swim and really old chinese people with their parents i don't even know you could live to that age but i tell you watching a 90 year old on an elliptical really inspires me to die in my 70s [Applause] it looks like a machine is eating someone's grandma [Applause] but i love my why you know it's it's different from a normal health club there's never moments when you think oh my gosh look at how much weight that guy's lifting it's more like oh my gosh that guy's smoking on a treadmill and dress pants it's very business casual sure my why doesn't have some of the amenities but it also doesn't have the normal health club distractions i don't have to deal with loud music or people that are in shape i walk around my y and i'm like you know what i'm doing okay maybe i should teach a class hi welcome to advanced elliptical doesn't matter if you don't have workout clothes on we're not gonna be raising our heart rate so let's step on pick a show and think about what we're gonna eat okay who's having a burger huh let's practice eating fries i'm ignored at my why i'm ignored at all health clubs like when i walk into a fitness area even in a hotel people always look at me like i don't know they serve food here the only people that approach me are are personal trainers like you're looking for a personal trainer uh no you should be so i've gotten to the point if i'm approached by a personal trainer i just act like they're hitting on me they're like hey how you doing i'm married i don't think you understand i understand perfectly you want to get with me but i'm taken so you can look but no touchy it's getting harder and harder to motivate to exercise in your 20s you're like you know i want to be with someone physically fit so i'll be physically fit and in your 30s you're like i want to fight off aging and in your 40s you're like it's over and now i'm at the point where i look at morbidly obese people and i'm like they seem happy that's one way to live a life i used to exercise to lose weight now i exercise so i can continue to fit in cars still a fitness goal i've been in better shape in my life i go in and out you know it's been a while not last year but the year before my big accomplishment is i ran the new york city marathon thank you thank you thank you happy early no you didn't i did you bastards all right i ran and completed all right fine i didn't but i thought about it which i guess is technically different than running at turns out i couldn't run the new york city marathon because uh i didn't want to which is the main reason i don't do a lot of things i just rarely admit it it's like hey jim why aren't you coming to my birthday party i didn't want him we never really reply to invitations that way don't want to go completely available just not interesting really wish i wasn't there so i won't be i know people who have run the new york city marathon they always bring it up they're like you're in the new york city marathon i was asked did you win no but i finished what place you come in i don't know sounds like you came in last really what you're saying is you lost the new york city marathon if i were you i wouldn't bring that up but that's why some people run marathons so they can say i ran a marathon which to me is not a good enough reason heck i can say i ran a marathon in fact earlier i did didn't feel good it felt dishonest i guess what i'm trying to say is marathon runners are liars all of them it's too far it's way too far 26.2 miles that's too far to run jog or frankly drive let's be serious but you know what i'm not a runner i'm not a runner half of you're like we never thought you were at this point we're not sure if you're a walker but running is huge right there are stores just for runners there's magazines dedicated to running runners world a magazine all about running and if you thought running was boring wait till you read about running at this point is there any information we don't have on running oh you're supposed to use your arms when you run what i think i've been running backwards no wonder i keep losing the runner's high i'm sure that's not a myth let me get this right you're confusing exhaustion for high have you ever been high before how can you confuse i can't breathe with joy the runner's eye has anyone ever used that as an excuse sorry and all the chips runner's high i ran a 10k in high school i think i'm still high but there's running and then there's running a marathon you know you have to pay to run a marathon what for the new york city marathon you have to pay 250 dollars to run by yourself 26 miles that's some s m stuff there that's like the subplot of a law and order special victims unit you got to pay that up front it's not like there's like a toll system like a 13 mile i'm a chip what is this a chip reader you ever see the beginning of a marathon all the runners line up in their voluntary prison number and then someone shoots a gun red flag and the runners disperse like godzilla godzilla's approaching why is there a weapon involved in a foot race whatever happened to someone saying go all right let's review how we're going to start the marathon we'll get all the lemmings lined up there and then without any warning cooter will shoot us 357 in the air this time cooter then we'll just sit back count the money and watch some of them soil themselves you ever see the winner of a marathon they do not look healthy they look like they were forced to run a marathon like it was some negotiation as part of ransom i finished i finished now can i have my children i ran 26 miles i drank my own urine i'm wearing a tin foil blanket what's going on with my kids of course i respect people who run marathons heck i'm impressed by the people who pass out water at marathons i was looking down like i couldn't do that i gotta get up early then you gotta find cups and there's passing out all that water my arm's just sore thinking about it at least those people are doing something at the marathon you ever see the rest of people watching the marathon what is going on in your life if you're watching strangers run a marathon i suppose some of them are there supporting friends you know i wouldn't want that i don't even want someone to see me in a hurry that seems like a big request of a friend right hey can you watch me run 26 miles only take your entire sunday you can only watch someone run part of a marathon it's not that big of a commitment it's like you can do it you can do it all right i'm going to brunch but you could watch someone run a marathon you can't go into a health club and watch someone on a treadmill excuse me sir what are you doing i'm supporting that lady do you uh do you know her not yet but i brought her this lock for the bridge hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand-up more stand-up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video every day during this pandemic or until the world ends please hit subscribe and turn on your alert or notification button

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 805,734

Rating: 4.879127 out of 5

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Id: cGEXzI9wENU

Length: 27min 34sec (1654 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 19 2020