"SEAFOOD: INSECTS OF THE OCEAN" - Jim Gaffigan Stand up (Obsessed)

it's good to be here in Boston Boston's a tough city right it's like Boston I love the Boston energy and you guys all of New England you guys love your seafood and it's just disgusting I was vacationing on Cape Cod because I'm white seafood restaurant right and this guy came over to our table wasn't even our waiter he came over he was like I don't know how to do the Boston accent good night lobsters that reason why you're not eating lobster I was like I thought I'd order what I want I wasn't really in the mood for bug meat that's what shellfish are they're just creepy crawly giant insects on the bottom of the ocean you know fishermen are like we gotta get an exterminator up in this piece a shell like a bug they have spindly legs and crawl around like a bug they haven't 10i like a monster you're probably monster it's like if you went home and you saw a chicken in your house you'd be like what the hell is a chicken doing in my house but if you saw a lobster you'd be like we're moving because there's not a nickels worth of difference between a lobster and a giant scorpion now I understand everyone loves lobster I love lobster hey I like butter too okay how can I eat three sticks of butter well I found this giant swimming sea scorpion it's just a spoonful of butter helps the bug meat go down in the most delightful way lobster tail is that the area near the bot that's what I want a little Turpin bug but how about those restaurants we have to pick out your own Lobster you like I just I'll take that one that's really struggling with the rubber bands he seems appealing why don't we boil him to death why am i involved in this decision but the Northeast it's all shellfish Marilyn with the crab isn't a kind of a red flag you need a hammer to eat a crab oh you're having the crab let me get you some tools so you can crack open that bug show and get that half a bite a bug me it's too much work they're like the pistachio of seafood and there's that nasty part of the crab you're not supposed to eat I think it's called all of it because they're crabs as in the sexually transmitted disease you're just the baby version of the dinner crab you know God's up in heaven gone what do I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs I gave it a rock-hard shell I put it on the bottom of the ocean I need to disease after it Jesus you're gonna have to go back down there I don't even know how people water crabs with a straight face yeah my wife and I you know what I'll get crabs and they'll give her some don't tell her I want it to be a surprise crab as a creature is creepy it always looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation is that oh I owe that guy money crap clams and oysters how do we even start eating those that's not net eight men go ahead what's it taste like no bone yeah wasters on the half-shell as opposed to what in a Kleenex even the way you're supposed to eat an oyster squeeze some lime a little hot sauce throw down the back here throw take a shot of vodka in traffic eight it's not something that's how you overdose on sleeping pills Pearl's comes from oysters yeah I try not to eat things that also make jewelry these are an aphrodisiac what would we ever believe that when you see you and I grab some snacks from Iraq see what happens maybe we'll end up in my place maybe we'll end up at the emergency room clam chowder how can we sell more clams why don't we put it in a soup that looks like vomit it went too far let's kill him but most seafood gives me the willies like anchovies what exactly is the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow it's whenever I see an anchovy I think someone is attacked Tom Selleck squid more like the swimming sea spider you could deep-fry rubber hose it would taste good this is good hose really octo meaning eight puss meaning really ghost parts my favorite the suction culture man we would need a new bathtub Matt I wish I like seafood I do I live in near Chinatown in New York some Chinese and like most China towns a lot of the restaurants in Chinatown have live seafood tanks in the windows and I'm always like do you want us to come in there are these sea monsters protecting your establishment I asked errored I love Chinese food and I love the Chinese culture and I'm not just saying that because we're all gonna be working for them in six months the Chinese have an amazing culture they do 3000 years ago they were doing brain surgery in China yet they still haven't figured out dessert fancy Chinese restaurant that is the tea ice cream that tastes like a pack of menthol cigarettes I'm talking about a regular Chinese restaurant where the dessert options there's two right there's sliced oranges I don't want to overwork the kitchen oranges what did a schooner just arrived from the Caribbean looks like our scurvy spirit fellas there's sliced oranges or there's the fortune cookie which is not even a Chinese thing it's an American thing and we gave it to them and they're like we don't want it and we're like it's now part of your ethnic identity like the fortune every fortune cookie should be you're about to eat a stale cookie same reaction to fortune cookie so I was like these SIG's are so stupid what does mine say like there's some ancient wisdom in there as if Confucius himself was putting a tiny piece of paper into a tiny typewriter happiness is long journey 15 31 12 put this in the stale cookie for me what you like they wait for them to be still how old are these 1990 that's wait a little longer I do feel sorry for the person who graded their cookie that ended up being the fortune cookie because they were probably pretty proud though are you gonna try my new cookie tell me you think of it try my no cookie tell me you think all right I'll try there you go you know what this could use is some paper this would be good for holding a note or a recipe for a good cookie how much the thing I could charge work I'd give it away with a check you got around here alright yeah I'm gonna tell them my name yeah I'm gonna tell them I'm not gonna tell them to subscribe because you know what that's not what it's about oh there's no more time

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 599,497

Rating: 4.9319944 out of 5

Keywords: jim gaffigan, jim gaffigan stand up, jim gaffigan comedian, jim gaffigan standup, jim gaffigan food, jim gaffigan funny, jim gaffigan special, jim gaffigan quality time, jim gaffigan cinco, the jim gaffigan show, jim gaffigan comedy, noble ape, comedian, standup, funny, crabs, lobster, bugs of the ocean, clam, octopus, anchovie, seafood, MARYLAND, Exerminator, scorpian, shrimp

Id: 1y6KW_Tup4M

Length: 8min 24sec (504 seconds)

Published: Mon May 25 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/FinerSelves]

Insects? They're straight up aliens!