"Donuts" - Jim Gaffigan Stand up Compilation

[Music] there is always that travel pressure you know the eating travel pressure it's a god you're going to Austin you got to get barbecue gotta get barbecue in Austin every city you know has a food they're famous for it's almost like there was a meeting okay Chicago do you pick deep-dish pizza okay Philadelphia cheesesteak okay Boston beans you want beans yeah awesome they're wicked awesome jakey's doctor dr. daughter those are doughnuts Dunkin Donuts New England loves their Dunkin Donuts some people love Dunkin Donuts too much Dr darkness glossa I think they're just making doughnuts not curing lupus I like Dunkin Donuts but have you been to a Dunkin Donuts it doesn't have a homeless guy standing in front is that part of the design plans there'll be an entrance here a deranged lunatic here there's always a guy standing out there like their Ronald McDonald Dunkin Donuts it's an interesting concept really as almost as if a a opened their own restaurant what should we have coffee doughnuts maybe a little honesty hi my name is Jim I haven't had a doughnut in 30 seconds I don't know how Dunkin Donuts even stays in business they sell 3,000 doughnuts what do they make 30 bucks whenever I go in there it seems like they're trying to get rid of the doughnuts like six doughnuts that'll be $3 but if you get a dozen it's a nickel how much or two does we give you 10 pounds three they're trying to get rid of them are trying to get us addicted you buy a couple of donuts you open it up and there's some free munchkins in there those are the Gateway down first time now at some locations they have Dunkin Donuts and baskin-robbins in the same building it's like a marriage maiden obesity finally Dunkin Donuts is offering something for dessert donuts and ice cream it's like two pairs of dirty underwear [Music] but we haven't wanted fruit for hundreds of years that's why there's so many paintings and museums of just bowls of fruit cuz you could start painting a bowl of fruit you're gonna leave for a couple days come back no one would have touched the bowl of fruit but if you're painting a doughnut you better finish it on the first sitting you can't even take a bathroom break I'm gonna get some milk and take a nap that's why there's no donut art sad really what's the last time you saw a painting of a donut the police they love donuts right hey cardboard you get a doughnut cops loved or not which is an interesting stereotype because you know who else loves doughnuts absolutely everyone of course cops love doughnuts because they know the difference between right and wrong and not liking Donuts it's wrong have you ever met someone that doesn't like a donut you want to know why cuz they're in jail when you're in a donut shop and you see a police officer don't you feel like something specials happened an angel just got its wings special I don't have a doughnut before I came on stage I was with a friend last week I was like you want to get a donut he was like I'm not hungry I'm like what does that have to do with it as if there's ever been a good reason need a donut well doctor says I need more powdered sugar in my diet nuts are bad for you and according to my health nut wife they're not appropriate for a trail mix I'm just on a different trail right mine leads to the emergency room that joke will be even funnier when I die from cardiac arrest donuts are all about taste in Los Angeles there's a place called yum yum donuts said what do you need the IQ of one who's the target audience cavemen I know two things yellow fireball rise in sky and yum-yum donut donut job job now there's gourmet doughnuts that are deep fried and gold I had a gourmet doughnut I didn't realize it was a gourmet doughnut I just pointed it at a doughnut in the donut guy started ringing it up he's like that'll be three ninety-nine I was like I only want one of them he's like that is the price of one of them then there was this long awkward pause where I waited for him to lean forward and go just kidding he didn't he just looked at me like Gaea tubby cuz he knew I paid because I was in a doughnut shop it's not like I was there to buy a yoga mat Austin this is like donut Ground Zero right I do love her she can be demanding like unrealistic demands like she wants me to lose weight I have no expectation of losing weight some of it is I used to have all these jokes on doughnuts and now sometimes when I do shows out of town people will give me boxes of donuts which makes me think I'm gonna start doing jokes about private jets but I'll do a showing so no give me a box of doughnuts or I'll get to my hotel room and in my hotel room would be a box of doughnuts and I was look at the doughnuts like I'm not not gonna eat those I mean those were a gift what would Jesus do he'd eat the doughnuts but it's always a box a dozen a dozen doughnuts I'm by myself I'm typically in the city for one night what kind of monster paid do I come across as I'm a Dornish we got Gaffigan enough for a Baptist Church whatever would feed an entire little league team that'll cover that tub of turds for a couple hours I don't know what to do with all the donuts yeah I'll eat - all right I'll eat four but no to do the rest of them yeah what do I put on my Rolly luggage I did that once I'm not proud of it we've all done things were not proud of you like it this is kind of pathetic but here goes zip zip zip off to the airport we go [Music] of course now is the time I got the random search at the airport I made it through the metal detector this nice TSA guy was like sorry sir random searching your bag and I was like what I wanted to say is I have drugs in my butt because the cavity search at that moment seemed less humiliating than revealing the true contents of my luggage the TSA guy unzipped the bag and it was one of those flat boxes of donuts you're like Krispy Kreme so it took the entire Rolly bag look where I was smuggling doughnuts and the TSA guy just looked at me like wow they saw those here was a Dunkin Donuts two gates away there was such compassion in his eyes you got a problem I couldn't see anything I can be like those are mine some died in me some guy named al al Qaeda he gave me I'd act all cash Ryder but yeah this is my doughnuts I'd travel with doughnuts um try to get diabetes won't you let me alone and since it was a random search the actual box of doughnuts had to be open and because I was wheeling through the airport all the doughnuts were crammed and smushed one and it looked like I had rummaged through a dumpster outside of a donut or this what's dough God just cut these rocks and sticks over here that's a perfectly good powdered sugar not actually drags on that one oh the tsa guys just look at me like you can go it's probably our last flight anyway we're never satisfied when it comes to food you don't be good on this burger a ham sandwich instead of a bun let's use two doughnuts that way we can have it for breakfast look out my griddle here comes the doughnut hamburger hi I'm Jim Gaffigan and I wanted to just thank you for watching that video it just makes me giddy I mean not giddy but makes me happy and frankly I don't have much more time on this planet and I was yes if there's anything else I'd thought would be you would subscribe but you don't have to do it I know you're busy you know you're cool you've got other videos to watch but if you hit subscribe I don't know maybe I'll have the willpower to pull it out that sounded dirty

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 589,135

Rating: 4.9412208 out of 5

Keywords: jim gaffigan, jim gaffigan stand up, jim gaffigan food, jim gaffigan comedian, jim gaffigan funny, jim gaffigan standup, jim gaffigan special, jim gaffigan quality time, jim gaffigan comedy, comedian, stand up comedy, jim gaffigan just for laughs, funny, comedy, jim gaffigan quarantine, youtube jim gaffigan, standup, jim gaffigan compilation, dunkin donuts, yum yum donuts, box of donuts, donut donut hamburger, munchins

Id: Iz346Sb9vMs

Length: 10min 26sec (626 seconds)

Published: Wed May 27 2020