Sometimes I feel like
I'm trying to get fat Last night I was eating a pint of ice cream and I finished it because I'm
American, alright? I took off the lid and I threw it
away, because I'm not a quitter everyone and because I care about the environment I was conserving energy
by not refreezing it. You're welcome. Of course it was at night,
you ever eat ice cream during the day? You're like what,
are we six years old? Did we just get our tonsils out? Why are there people around me? Shouldn’t I be alone watching Lifetime? "Those hoarders,
those are the ones with the problem." I was eating a pint of ice cream in
sweatpants, like a man My wife came in the
room and she’s like "Jim, are you going to eat an entire
pint of ice cream by your self?" I was like, "Hopefully" "unless you selfishly want a bite." "Jim you have a 9 year old daughter,
don’t you want to be at her wedding?" "Not really, no." "Wait, is there going to be
ice cream at her wedding?" "Because if you promise,
I still don’t want to go." How would attending a wedding,
why would that be an incentive? "It’s like, don’t you die in 18 years there's an awkward
party you have to pay for... And we need you to write a check." No, I understand weddings
are an important event where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend to be a princess and marry her prince and live happily ever after because magic exists. and we are a bunch of weirdo's. Weddings are kind of weird,
I mean what's the logic? It's like well we love each other, why don’t we pretend we have a kingdom? We'll invite your parent's
friends and my parent's friends and we'll have a banquette. And the two kingdoms shall
come together as one. and we can start our married
life with a total fantasy. before we go on a completely
unjustified vacation. It's strange right,
I mean weddings stated off as these crude
mid-evil ceremonies where woman's daughters
where exchanged as property Yet, over the course of centuries they got worse. That's why people cry at weddings I cant believe we're still wasting money on this. Whenever I see someone crying
at a wedding I would say Don't worry, it probably wont work out. It is nice to be invited to a wedding but you always look
at the invitation like AHH, this is gonna cost me Oh good, it's out of town wouldn’t want to use those vacation days for vacationing. And you can tell how much
a wedding's gonna cost you by the type of invitation you receive. You’re like oh no,
this one's made of baby skin and the font and the language on there "The honorable king slayer cordially invites you to the marriage
of his 40 year old daughter to her live-in boyfriend of twelve years, bring thy wallet." Because you have to get
the newlyweds a gift because they've done NOTHING! So you go to the registry,
the registry which is a nice way of saying you don’t have to get us anything but when you do,
make sure it's one of these things. You ever go to the registry late? and you're like,
the only thing left is a fork for 300 dollars. I guess we'll be the fork friends. We'll get them the fork. My wife had us register for fine china because you never know when
the Pope's gonna swing by and want a microwaved
hotdog on a 200 dollar plate. My parents,
growing up my parents had fine china that you couldn’t even
put in the dishwasher. "Don’t get that wet,
you need to clean it with a kitten. It needs to be a white kitten." At most weddings the guests
receive a gift, right? Sometimes it's a bag of
almonds covered in candy. "Thanks, I guess we're even. Since you got me a bag of NUTS!" "Feel free to take the centerpiece." Sure you don’t want us to buss some tables? I didn’t bring a broom but I can sweep. It's not always like nuts, sometimes the gift is like a nick nack or a
happy meal toy kind of thing. The last wedding we where
at everyone at the wedding got a wine stopper filled with sand because the theme of the wedding was waste. I got in trouble when
I asked the bride I was like, at what point are we
supposed to jab this in our throat? During the first dance? I do find it fascinating,
there's always a drunk person at a
wedding, right? And I think it's because
there's so many awkward moments like that receiving line as a guest I never know what to say to those people I always feel like I've just seen
a friend in a play or something "That was great,
you where great up there like you said, I like this program well, I'm gonna lie to someone else now. You where good too, you're the grandma we got them the fork is the bar open?" Some of those wedding rituals Have you been to one of
the weddings when the groom removes the garter belt from the bride and flings it to a crowd of perverts? Because he cherishes his
bri-WHAT? Who came up with that one? "Hey, you know the bride throws the bouquet? how about something for the fellas? Maybe the bride's underwear?" What happens to that garter belt? "Oh, I have it in a very special place it's in a room covered in
photographs of the bride. and there's candles and
fried bread everywhere." I'm not against marriage,
I'm happily married I'm married to a beautiful woman the type of woman that when I'm with
her and people find out she's my wife there's usually an audible, Wow Which I suppose is flattering
but it hurts my feelings I'm not a yeti "Wow" Someone could approach
me and be like "Jim, we've discovered your
wife has no visual perception." "Yeah, we don’t need to correct that
or anything. She doesn’t like glasses." But I like being married,
I like having someone to look out for me and my wife wants me to live
longer, we all want to live longer but how much longer? Like you ever see old people,
really, really old people the look on their face,
they always have that look like "AUHHHH!" "I cant believe I'm still here I would have eaten
so much more ice cream why did I ever consume kale?"
