There's some thin people at my gym. I saw one woman,
she was so skinny you could actually see her ribs. And all I could think was I
haven’t had a McRib in forever. Those are delicioso. I reverence McDonald’s a lot
cause I go to McDonald’s. I love the silence that
follows that statement. Like, I just admitted to support
dog fighting or something. "How could you! McDonald’s?" It's fun telling people
you go to McDonald’s. They always give you that look, like "Oh, I didn’t know I was better than you." No one admits to going to McDonald’s they sell six billion hamburgers a day. There's only 300 million
people in this country, it's like... "I'm not a calculus teacher, but I think everyone’s lying." You ever been in McDonald’s
and you see a friend? For a second you're
like, oh crap! Eventually you are
like, "Hey whats going on!" And they're just like, "I'm just here for the 99c ATM. What are you doing here Jim?" "I'm just meeting a hooker. Certainly not eating
here, that's for sure. Yeah, he should be here by now." Because we all know better, right? We've all read the articles,
seen those documentaries, it's the same message. "Look, McDonald’s is really bad for you it's very high in fat and calories, and we don’t even know
where the meat comes from." And we're all like, "That's disgusting!" "I'll have a Big Mac, a large fries, and a 2
gallon drum of Diet Coke." Because there's a McDonald's denial and we all embrace it,
no ones going in there innocent. We're walking into a red and yellow
building with a giant M over it. "What's this, a library? Well, I'll get some
fries while I'm here." Because those McDonald’s
fries are truly amazing. Has your mother ever made anything
as good as a McDonald’s fry? "Not even close." We lie to ourselves when
we eat Mc Donald’s fries. We're like, "Oh they are so
thin they couldn’t be fattening." You ever eat too many
Mc Donald’s fries? "Of course not! There's never enough of them." There's always that moment when you're
eating McDonald’s fries where you're like, "What happened? Where did they go?" Then you start scrounging for
the fry crumbs, and you're like. "Oh, that's just a piece
of paper from the straw. But it was touching the fries, so." Sometimes there's a loose fry in the bag you know, the bonus fry? It's like Jesus is up in
Heaven, "give him an extra fry he'll pay it forward." By the way,
that's how Jesus sounds. Or at least I hope, you wouldn’t
want to meet Jesus and he’s like. "Hey y'all, how you doin you better turn that other cheek,
I gave you that bonus fry for a reason." That bonus fry,
it's never a regular size fry it's always extra
long, and you're like. "How did I miss you? Bonus fry,
you get your own ketchup packet." You always savor the last fry you’re like,
I'm gonna turn this into 10 bites. "Oh, I'll meet up with you later.
I got the bonus fry." Those fries are amazing for what, like seven minutes? And then they turn into something
that’s likely not biodegradable. You ever make the mistake of reheating
McDonald’s fries in the microwave? They become packing peanuts. It doesn’t stop you
from eating them you're like,
"these aren’t even good anymore." "How are yours?
Yeah, yours aren’t good either." Fries can't get cold. Shakes cant get warm. You ever leave a McDonald’s
shake out for an hour? Reality sets in. Ah, this isn’t even made from milk it's just some kind
of chocolate mucus. But we know all this, we know those McDonald’s
commercials aren’t realistic. I'd just like to see one commercial that show people 5 minutes
after they ate McDonald’s. "Ugh! Now I need a cigarette. I deserve a cigarette break today." But they get us in
there, you know. Some of those deals
they offer is just cruel two Big Mac's for two bucks? I drive by I’m like,
"well I don’t wanna lose money on this I'll get 80 of them." I know some of you are
like, sorry white trashy guy I don’t eat McDonald’s. I have friends that brag
about not going to McDonald’s. "I would never go to McDonald’s." Well, McDonald’s wouldn’t want
you because you're a dick. I'm tired of people acting like
they are better than McDonald’s. It's like you may have
never set foot in McDonald’s but you have your own McDonald’s. You know, maybe instead of buying a Big Mac you read US Weekly. Hey, that's still McDonald’s it's just served up a little different. Maybe your McDonald's
is telling yourself that Starbucks Frappuccino
is not a milkshake. Or maybe you watch Glee. It's all McDonald’s. McDonald’s of the soul. Momentary pleasure followed
by incredible guilt eventually leading to cancer. "I'm love'n it..." We all have our own. We all have our own McDonald’s, you know. It may take me a while to digest
my quarter pounder with cheese but that tramp stamp is forever. "Do, do, do, do, do... Mistake." Really, it's all McDonald’s out
there, right? How can we all name 3 people
that have dated Jennifer Aniston? It's McDonald’s and we gobble it up just
like those McDonald’s fries. It’s like, "Who's she dating now?
*munching* I know I shouldn’t but it's so salty. Is she pregnant yet?
That's not even my business Scarlet Johansen got a
haircut, why do I give a shit?" Because it's McDonald’s and it feels good going down. By the way, if you care
who Prince William married that's Burger King that's not even our gossip. I just love the social
outrage at McDonald’s. "McDonald’s has no nutritional
value, there’s no vitamins" McDonald’s is like, excuse me we sell burgers and fries we never said we're a farmers market. Heck, our spokesman is a
pedophile clown from the 70's. What do you want
from us America? We treat McDonald’s horribly. We behave like some hormonal
teenager dealing with their parents. "I hate you, you're gross! When's dinner?" Really, going to McDonald’s is kind of like attending a family reunion. You're always exited to go,
you’re like it's gonna be awesome! And then when you get there you're
like, I don’t know if I should be here. And then when you leave you're
like, I think I'm gonna kill myself. But I was raised on McDonald’s and I turned out.. Well, maybe that's not
the best reasoning. McDonald’s has given us so much. We wouldn’t know
when breakfast ends if there was no Mc Donald’s. I'd be eating eggs
at 5pm like a moron. Thank you, McDonald’s. How are we supposed to know
Saint Patricks day is coming up without the Shamrock shake? Thank you, McDonald’s. Without McDonald’s,
how would I communicate to the world that I give up? Because if you're
over the age of 10 and you're eating McDonald’s you've given up a little bit. "Ah, it's all over for me these fries taste good anyway." I've got to lay of the McDonald’s, I do.
