Best Outdoor Jokes | Stand-Up Compilation

she didn't get me do anything last august she said to me she goes i think i'd like to go blueberry picking maybe we should go blueberry picking remember thinking to myself no you can't even get migrant workers to do that stuff but the weird thing is not even 10 seconds later there i was picking blueberries oh what am i doing here and picking blueberries it's not like picking pumpkins it's not like hey i got one let's get the hell out of here because with blueberries you're never done because even after three hours you're like i got eight we can make a muffin gotta be a machine to do this i went camping recently for this next joke and i married a woman who loves to camp and i am what you would call indoorsy i'm surprised we can still get people at camp hey want to burn a couple of vacation days sleeping on the ground outside uh no what if i told you get the crap standing up in the woods i still wouldn't want to go you'll wake up freezing covered in a rash all right i'll go my wife always brings up camping's a tradition in my family hey it was a tradition in everyone's family till we came up with a house my parents never took me camping you know why because they loved me it'll get you closer to nature i want to keep the relationship professional if it's so great outside why are all the bugs trying to get in my house some places you have to pay to camp you have to pay to sleep outside that's gotta be insulting to the homeless people now what's this cost you i live out here that must be really expensive occasionally at the campsite you'll see the winnebago that's kind of cheating isn't it oh that's what i forgot my house there's always that one couple at every campsite that's been camping for way too long they have the folding chairs the christmas lights in july we'd love to have you for dinner i'm sure you would now how do i get a padlock on my tent so we're not eaten by mon pod dahmer happy camper has anyone ever really been a happy camper because whenever we use that term we're being sarcastic he is not a happy camper why don't we just call him a camper he's miserable you know he's a happy camper the guy leaving the campsite he's the happiest camper he gets to take a shower he ruined camping for me to be fair it is beautiful during the day you know but at night you're always like we're all gonna die there's monsters out there i see their eyes i probably wouldn't be so scared if i wasn't sleeping in a bag hey let's pre-package ourselves for the serial killer huh i can't get away can you i could hop for a little but i'm dead mate you ever have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night you always look at your friends nice knowing you anyone want to come and get killed with me or you want to get killed looking for me we're all dead it's not just serial killers there's bears out there last time i went i got this pamphlet that said if a bear approaches you're supposed to play dead really we're gonna rely on my acting skills play dead who came up with that maybe the bears play dead cover yourself in honey climb on a large white plate don't try to run away from us i mean the bears how does that even work there's a bear uh uh i hope the bear thinks we die standing up as if bears have some ethical code i don't mess with dead bodies i'm a bear not an animal that was the worst impression of a bear ever played dead i'm not saying that strategy didn't work once but when they find a body that's been mauled by a bear how do they know that guy wasn't playing dead maybe he was the best at it the bear was like great performance but i'm starving and he looks like a burrito why are we even camping where there's wild animals that wouldn't be a selling point for anything else oh it's a beautiful golf course plus around the ninth hole there's a pack of wolves they start running at you just play through the only thing i like to do outside is lying a hammock that's all about doing nothing it's hard to do anything once you get in the hammock because you can't get out it's like a giant net for catching lazy people can't even drink in this all you can do is relax you know you never see someone crying in a hammock my life is oh this is delightful you ever getting a hammock with someone else you better be dating them because it looks like you're trying to stir the family i got in a hammock with my cousin he still won't talk to me he made the hammock a dirty thing i do love whales went whale watching i don't know if you've ever done that we were sitting there for a couple hours and then i saw a whale and i tell you i realized i had wasted half a day i had paid a hundred dollars to see something i wouldn't watch on television we were told by the captain or more accurately slurred at by the way when are you a captain and what are you just a drunk guy with a boat because based on our captain we should start calling homeless people boatless people because if they had a boat they'd be a captain our captain uh captain morgan yeah he told us the wheel we saw was a sperm whale you know i don't know who came up with that name maybe like an eight-year-old boy i was thinking sperm whale or booger whale sperm whale really there wasn't one scientist back then to be like well obviously we're not really gonna call it the sperm whale this is gonna be in textbooks come on people sperm what there was what kind of mindset would you have to be in yeah to me it looks like a giant sperm yeah to me it looks like you shouldn't be naming animals and please don't open a hot dog stand even if i thought something looked like a sperm i wouldn't admit it jam what do you think that whale looks like well it certainly doesn't look like a sperm let's get that out of the way even if i was asked to look through a microscope and identify sperm i'd be like oh look at that miniature whales and some weirdos they use the gathering of fruit as an activity why don't we go apple pecking because i'd rather die you have to pay to pick apples okay how much do i owe you to work for you for free don't rip me off i'm no dummy so there's a couple guys that don't care about the cold right they're like what is it who degrees out there there's nothing i went golfing i'm wearing shorts because i'm a dick fall people love fall it's my favorite season it's not a competition my favorite season that i'm voting for in america's next top season is fall people that love fall they go crazy for the foliage they're like the foliage let's drive by the foliage it's so beautiful the way the leaves die they're so pretty right before they fall to their death we think it's beautiful it's the leaves hospice it also helps that the leaves can't talk if they could talk they'd be like [Applause] give me chlorophyll why are these people driving by and smiling at me you monsters we're rather insensitive to the leaves tragedy they die they fall to the ground we just rake them up kids you want to jump on this pile of dead leaves no all right i'll just light them on fire the poor leaves oh you know all they know is spring and summer and then in october they're like where's everyone going early in november you always see a couple leaves hanging on they're like i'm gonna make it i'm gonna make it through winter me and my buddy carl right carl girl the pine trees they must resent the attention the leaves get stupid leaves everyone's driving by looking at the pretty leaves i didn't bother to get to know them after a couple months they're dead come to somebody you'd be climbing a ladder stick a star on my head why would a pine tree sound like it's from brooklyn it's been a couple weeks there i stayed in this this really nice like bed and breakfast the woman that was running it every morning she would ask me she was like are you gonna go hiking today and all i could think was wow this lady knows nothing about me hiking not today or ever i wouldn't hike to escape the nazis like if i was in that movie sounding music and they're like to avoid the nazis head over those mountains that would have been mountains isn't there a basement i could hide in i mean like a finnish basement yeah more than like a keg on an nfl season pastor i'm talking about i've been hiking the first thing you notice when you go hiking is it's a mistake oh we're not walking anywhere in particular there's nothing at the end of this trail there's no bar restaurant not even a vending machine we're just idiots there's always that moment when you go hiking when you realize oh no now we have to walk back there's no exit through the gift shop i wanna like hiking it's like horseback riding you wanna like it and then you get on a horse and you're like that's right i'm not a twelve-year-old girl get me off this poor animal but hiking is huge it's huge there's hiking clothing there's clothing for walking outside i thought all clothing was for walking outside and there's whole parts of the country the entire pacific northwest everyone's dressed like there could be an impromptu hike at a moment's notice well i'm going for uh coffee but you never know what a hike might break out so i'll put on some sturdy shoes and a breathable fleece that joke was brought to you by patagonia you usually usually hike with a friend right and pretend you're in a viagra commercial how is your erectile dysfunction there's always that solo hiker that looks like they just got rid of a body was that guy with someone why is he carrying a garbage bag is that dexter why'd you ask me to walk in the woods but it's not just walking hiking involves an unnecessary amount of climbing you want to climb up here no i don't want to climb up there i'm an adult i have a driver's license i don't like climbing i don't like climbing into an suv you know that final step up i'm always like is this worth it why can't you have a normal car what are we going on a safari i better see a damn elephant if i'm climbing into your gas guzzler but once you get in an suv you're always like oh yeah let's invade iraq finland i was invited to take a sauna i was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all i could think is is fun illegal here what kind of anti-depressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country skiing i i can't believe cross-country skiing is even a sport hey you know that awkward part and downhill skiing where you're trying to get over to the lift what if we just did that this is fine and to turn around you know what don't turn around let's go across the country people who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried i mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake what's next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs get some help i was released from the hospital the day after the surgery they gave me painkillers they also instructed me to do some walking which i assume was part of the recovery but it kind of felt like a commentary on my weight have you ever done any walking have you ever leaned forward and let your legs propel your fat ass let's take a break from your motorized scooter and i was in alaska so i thought this was perfect so i returned to my family and we immediately went on a hike and it was great alaska's beautiful my kids were having fun i was pretending like i enjoyed being outside and then suddenly we saw a bear like 500 yards away this huge brown bear like way bigger than a gummy bear and i was so excited because i watched nature shows but i had never seen a bear in person so it felt like a celebrity sighting i was like oh my god i've watched you on animal planet it's so much tolerant person can we do a selfie but unlike a celebrity sighting there was the risk of death like you never hear we're in a restaurant tom hanks walked in and then he came over and murdered my family that never happens but the bear was far away so i took out my phone and i started taking pictures and then suddenly the bear stood up roared and looked right at me started creeping towards me tilting his head back and forth almost like he recognized music that guy looks like phillip super hoffman i was terrified luckily we were with a tour guide and i looked at him and he goes don't worry i have bear spray and i was like do you have anything stronger like a bear gun because i don't think this bear's approaching to get his hair done and the bear kept coming kept coming and then suddenly the tour guy goes okay i want everyone to start walking backwards slowly walk backwards slowly i guess so the bear could catch up so we started walking backwards slowly by then the bear was in a full sprint i had surgery 12 hours ago so i smelled delicious i was also sunburned so i probably look like a giant land salmon the bear couldn't believe his luck look i'm not gonna have to eat for a month i was like i'm gonna die i'm gonna be eaten by a bear which is ironic given how many animals i've eaten so i started humming circle of life and continued walking backwards slowly i should point out it's not like we were walking backwards slowly to a car or a cabin we were walking backwards slowly to nothing it probably looked like we were teasing the bear like come and get it mr bear you looking to get a little grizzly craving a little 2xl are you and before you knew it the bear was upon us and he killed us when we died such a bloody mess no what really happened is at one point the tour guide pulled out this thing it looked like a pen i was like great he's gonna ask for the bear's autograph and i learned later on it was a bear flare and he squeezed it and this tiny fireball went out towards the bear and i was like oh good something to anger the bear but the fireball bounced off the bear the bear stopped and then just ran the other way like i forgot something at home and we all looked at each other like oh my gosh that just happened that just that and that's a true story well most of that's true well it's all true except there was no [Applause] bear no there was a bear i did have an opportunity uh to go on a safari which was unbelievable it was breathtaking how bad the wi-fi was i went on a safari which is just a fancy word for animal stalking because that's what you do on a safari you follow animals and watch them you're like it's a good thing these animals can't report us to the police yeah officer that fat guy in the untucked shirt followed me for an hour this morning i woke up and he was taking pictures of me and my family we were naked yeah the guy who looks like a philip seymour hoffman on the safari i saw one animal kill another animal and intellectually i was like i don't want to see that but emotionally in the moment i was like get him get your legs my kids were totally savage about it they're like my kids are with me my kids were poorly behaved on a safari they're six and seven and animals would walk by like savages well i was in st john yesterday i uh i saw the reversing falls i was like wow i mean i you know i didn't know i mean i wasn't expecting much you know i mean it's not like i wasn't expecting that movie avatar but i didn't think uh it would be less impressive than a toilet flushing this guy is a jerk he's a jerk who's done research i was invited to go sliding which was uh exciting i turned them down because i'm an adult and i call it sledding sliding for me is something you do on accident or what a drunk person would call sledding you want to go with super sliding slipping you want to sli you want to get injured do you want to get injured you guys call sliding you call sledding sliding but you slide on a sled but you sled on a skidoo all right okay sure sure and the americans are weird okay hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up i have more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's 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Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 448,299

Rating: 4.87115 out of 5

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Id: su0sfjRtPdA

Length: 22min 30sec (1350 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 18 2020