Everything Wrong With The Emoji Movie

forty seconds of three Sony logos the world we live in seriously are all animated movies particularly the ones required to begin with disembodied narration I mean I've guess they've got a voice actor and a mic and say what the hell hey which one of you [ __ ] took a break from texting to make and throw this paper airplane goddammit if you're gonna be a part of this cliched image of current adolescence you better get the hell back onto tinder that's my home tech stop with us wait why isn't it called emoji bill or emoji would this assumes all text lives here but there are no numbers or letters to be found here each of us does one thing and we have to nail it every time yeah but why does the fortune cookie get the crack wise and the elephant can later joke with the laughing guy about a text the rules of this place make no [ __ ] sense Merry Christmas it's still September Tim first off why does the Christmas tree have an actual name and why does it be Tim and does it matter that it's September this fortune cookie [ __ ] has clearly never seen a retail store after August Cryer always has to cry has to or decides to and why exactly yes I know it's the entire foundation of what we're going to loosely call a plot here but a few seconds ago you said for the faces the pressure is on why would the pressure be on if they have no choice and furthermore why does it matter what they do outside of the cubes that's the only time they're required to be on also hang up not only do the emojis have a fully functional lottery system but they use actual money as currency isn't money itself an emoji I know you can't also based on the silly putty appendages will continue to see throughout this travesty pretty sure the audience is the only one who's boned why is he trying on ties emojis don't work clothes and even if they did are you trying to tell me this untied shoe here would even fit those tiny feet and this world must be confusing are edible doughnuts a thing here our people tempted to eat these babies what kind of business monkey business you it's been almost 30 seconds since we heard a low-quality punt is that the time hey my eyes are up here pal hate what iris numbers his genitals and don't you look at the whole clock when telling the time also how is he not used to this elephant farts elfin parts let's all laugh at the elephant parts freak protagonists in a kids movie is bullied for being different cliche my parents are total pros parents great now I have to think about how emojis reproduce can only identical emojis hook up to produce the same emoji offspring and how does that even work looks on when an eggplant emoji loves a taco emoji very much whoa I'm a ton of questions about what just happened here how do these poop emojis even use the restroom did they just murder one of their own what were they flushing wooden bathrooms be like torture chambers for them or wait did he just birth his son our bathrooms their birthing centers should we wash our hands ha ha ha ha you movie come on dad if you really think you're ready so in this universe the parents get to decide who goes on the job should the hiring and firing be done by the scanning company we are all of these new emojis starting work on the same day the hell they replaced a huge chunk of their workforce overnight all of these cubes are already full and there's even poop senior sitting in his so where are these new [ __ ] supposed to go because I was the original emoji were you because I'm pretty sure the first group of emojis were all released at the same time unless you mean the emoticon but we've already seen that those are different and considered the elderly in this universe Plus on this phone you all probably came pre-installed together so tell me again why you're in charge there's nothing like getting scammed for the first time damn movie did you have to make the emojis getting scanned for the first time creepy in the nosebleeds I'm standing right here words hurt yeah but the nose isn't bleeding so what's the offense here jeez it's like the writers were looking at a page of emojis and said hey we haven't used the nose yet how can we shoot horn in a reference I know the movie needs to show these [ __ ] doing stuff other than getting scammed but why the hell aren't they always in there cute Alex is not sure how he wants to play this just because he's scrolling through the options he could be looking for a specific emoji but this announcer purports to know his actual thoughts dammit this movie wants to be inside out so bad we are go format something not explained and all that explained arising is how on earth all this getting every emoji to their cube orienting the Machine and doing the scan happened so quickly on the user side is there a time distortion does the time flow with a different rate in the phone is gene actually Matthew McConaughey is he going to leave his own daughter Oh mr. poop can apparently only speak in poop related references it's kind of like the dude that works as a personal trainer and that's all he can talk about elevator platform that got him in the cute can someone tell the movie that these scenes of slow-motion hilarity are supposed to be used for actual funny moments malfunction so I guess Alex who's supposedly addicted to using his phone and was literally just texting is taking a convenient break from using emojis while all this plays out right I am a malfunction technically you're correct which is the problem with the screen movie you said at the very beginning that these characters have one job apiece I'm always happy oh right hashtag truth is there an emoji for the combination of anger eye rolling and bored them all together because if there is that should be the text for the rest of this [ __ ] video movie went to great pains to show us high five subterfuge to get into the favorites club so how did gene get in here so easily welcome to the loser lounge where the emojis who never get used hangout never used that's eggplant and considering their user as a male who just graduated junior high there's no way that emoji is left unused they were trying to leave me you what's so important about you they'd send out an entire team of bots the dude high-five was at the event where gene [ __ ] up all the machinery of the emojis but has no clue why they'd wanted to lead him it's that had better not be my leftover Chinese food wait is the abandoned luggage emoji eating actual leftover Chinese food or is this an emoji of Chinese food and if it's an emoji of Chinese food does that mean the Chinese food emoji is also in the losers lounge and what the [ __ ] is up with the pizza Pete has gotta be an incredibly popular emoji do you have any idea what it's like to be demoted to this pit of despair yeah yeah I'm starting to think I do just find a hacker and get reprogrammed one of the princess emojis left the phone altogether I'm sure the hacker that helps her do that could easily reprogram you the names jailbreak why does hi-5 even know any of this did he spend the last few days in the Wikipedia app studying up on wyldstyle I mean jailbreak sure they were asleep on the couch a little while ago but they definitely would've woken up during this trip did hi-5 and gene drug these two where is he even storing those some sort of invisible back pouch hour-hand emojis marsupials and other finger puppets also emojis can someone explain the goddamn rules of this universe let the Silicon Valley product placement commits being crackle what kid would have crackle instead of Netflix or HBO go did he specifically want to watch Jupiter ascending and that was the only service that carried it there are no barriers to getting in and out of these apps why isn't this cross-pollination happening all the time it's not like the boundary was way the hell out of the way just a short walk from the center of text Ovilus they like him and that's what matters in this life popularity oh good rather just have a real friend that's right the ping emoji movie is trying to sneak some serious social commentary into its narrative just because one of the six writers has a problem with how Facebook is used to follow those meds so not only was smiling and watching this camera at the exact time that the bot spotted the Miz the plan to follow them only just came to her also nothing about these BOTS told us that they had cameras in the first place what else do they do that we're not aware of turnout a liquid metal also just a reminder that alex has continued to not use any emojis since the destruction of the pond thinking this place can get a little rough yep you can tell how rough this place is by the extremely dangerous early 80s hair metal cover band oh geez I thought the conversation just got dumber Rando pirate troll that for some reason requires eyeglasses would be excellent at cinemasins internet trolls just ignore them exactly our internet trolls inside the piracy app again I can buy emojis BOTS viruses and such but aren't internet trolls actual human beings actually I think I just answered my own question wait the bots literally just identified a virus and did nothing would it take too much time to eliminate this mother come the how long the spots have been easily eliminating fools left and right in this scene alone but the one that actually spots gene takes as much time to charge his weapon is the death star I should probably give up trying to understand the dimensional physics of this world but exactly how did they navigate sideways but end up falling downward alright because one of them needed to land in a candy crush level so we could spend another five minutes on blatant product placement that serves zero story purpose I have a sugar addiction and it's a very serious finger head that's racist also apparently because James Corden is overweight all the characters he voices must have some sort of food addiction I guess he's Jack Black now we have to match up the candy so the gene will drop to the bottom he'll be seriously includes a game tutorial one third of the way into this movie and we just now rejoin the real world protagonist who we then won't see again for another thirty minutes I believe in the existence of actual sentient emojis sooner than I believe an actual human being would immediately answer a customer service line whoa they made this way harder than it had to be when the board started all they had to do was move this yellow to the left to clear the yellows which would also clear the dropping rats leaving just this blue to move over and clear the blues two moves with no risk what so maybe I crush a little you know all these other apps like WeChat and Facebook took up limited space even text appleís was small enough that gene could get to the border in a matter of minutes but candy crush is supposed to be the size of a set piece in Lord of the Rings but first we need to get uploaded to the cloud that's where we'll find the source code to reprogram you what I don't know if it's possible to reprogram a [ __ ] emoji by using a cloud service but I do know that this is a cheap and convenient excuse to get them off the phone and into a whole new environment we're in candy crush ops I know a shortcut to just dance which is right next to Dropbox where we can get uploaded to the cloud could you be more product place here also why even worry about a shortcut when it's just like four blocks down it's not like time or space have any sort of meaning in this universe anyway and why did they even have to go through an app to get to another app when there are paths to those apps isn't like a city grid with avenues and streets I wanted to see cuz it was my idea you know women are always coming up with stuff that men are taking credit for but he's a ping emoji with very little indication he's masculine does she see a penis that I'm missing my precious it's as if this movie heard my earlier joke about Lord of the Rings and then realized there was yet another pop-culture reference they could cheaply cram down in there I think we should go our separate ways Mel wait she's divorcing him now while they're out looking for their son and how do these [ __ ] things even get married in the first place and now enough do they procreate this movie finally broke me with its stupidity add 50 sins to this [ __ ] thing high five even asked jailbreak about doing this for him sure he told gene that this was his plan but that was way before they met her just because she's a hacker doesn't mean you have automatic consent dammit I was trying to think of a clever way to call out the impossibility of this stupid [ __ ] scene but all I saw was a white-hot rage so let's add ass in here and move on while my systolic blood pressure still measures within three digits high 5 don't do it this goes on for some time no matter what we can't turn it on every other app anyone's walked into has already been operational why does this one all of a sudden have to be turned on from the inside even though hi-5 hasn't been shown obsessively pressing buttons throughout this whole journey this is supposed to provoke a laugh god damn it every app has been turned on during this trip including the very loud candy crush but this is the one that gets the bots attention this movie with everything that can [ __ ] also in the time that it took the bots to realize the Just Dance app was turned on gene and the crew could easily have made it across this reasonably sized room to the portal even before the game kicked in ruby includes two game tutorials come on everybody can dance apparently this includes emojis because movie once our disbelief so suspended that it pulls a hammy hi-five somehow advances in the game despite doing none of the moves that it requires nice I always wondered what that loud sound was I heard in late July 2017 and now realize it was several million parents sitting in movie theaters collectively groaning at the scene Christina Aguilera apparently only agreed to do this part if she was allowed to shout all her lines at the top of her lungs seriously this movie is like 78 minutes before the credits but there were multiple people that signed off on this super long dance sequence that has nothing to do with the rest of this movie god damn it why did this make so much money also these King BOTS have been flying everywhere is their primary mode of transportation so why do they need to use the game to advance or they could just shoot those ping laser out of their hands like they've been doing this whole time and that deletion will provide the steps towards our goal instead of immediately making everything disappear G is the bot doing rather than shooting the emojis like they're supposed to this [ __ ] grabs hi-5 and does a tandem hans gruber off the platform and they're all here to get gene anyway so why would even with high five in the first place wait where's high five are you kidding me less than 30 seconds ago you literally dropped him into the void and screamed no how are you even asking this question right now no way we can't go without my five that's my friend down there what about this arrangement led to high five and gene being friends sure high five helped him find jailbreak he was doing that mostly for his own benefit wait Alex only shuffled two apps when did Salida just dance but somehow the science app or whatever that is moved all the way from a different screen to here and what is that a before we heat one right after the candy crush scenario nerd emoji said his appointment is for tomorrow it didn't take them an entire [ __ ] day to go through the tunnels and play the just dance game I mean how hard is it to prep a timeline that you specifically mentioned the illegal upgrade you mean that thing that you somehow have stashed away for this very specific situation that you could in no way have known was about to happen yay a bunch of people are hitting the promenade I think Eddie might be there too that's perfect movie remembers to feature this F story about Alex asking a girl out for the fall dance because it needs a break from the emotional complexity of the emojis playing a goddamn dansgame also what [ __ ] kid uses the word promenade did you realize that on the first emoji set a woman can either be a princess or a bride but wait smiling is a girl mrs. MS a girl plus I thought you just were what you were in the logic of the universe you weren't a princess because you're a girl you're a princess because you're a princess you know I think you're pretty cool just the way you are um are they gonna start because if so I'm not sure that would make this movie better or worse okay they got the rope from the magical boat on the Spotify app where they find a [ __ ] winch gene are you instagramming I swear to God movie just eat Sir Patrick Stewart and die kind of sorcery is this does instagram capture 3d encapsulations of a square mile radius does mrs. men somehow have memory of all this she the NiO of her own metrics sorry it's this movie it's eating my brain let's go find her together am I supposed to be full of some sort of emoji emotion here they've been apart for what 15 minutes why don't you come back to text Appa listen we can talk through our differences okay okay seriously why is smiler in control of the entire phone the bots are hers and they apparently control the functions of every app so why would she have total authority shouldn't the dictator be embedded into the Settings app or something also why isn't this upgraded [ __ ] shooting them right now the entire movie has been the bots trying to kill gene and now that he's in their sights smiler wants to bring them all the way back to text tapas can't get in it's illegal malware and this app is secure and also incredibly convenient to the block also an email app isn't secured despite eating all that Beckett candy crush the candy corn is the only item that hi-5 continues to regurgitate Jean survives this and this book this book this Bulls this boat this boat this tomfoolery and this bull I'd probably use the name of a girl I like I've been all over the phone he's never mentioned a girl the [ __ ] he was just texting with her yesterday what is her name it was Tina Karen March this is this movie in a nutshell an over long repetitive joke that wasn't funny in the first place access granted why do they call this a firewall just accessing the account right and if it's an app on Alex's phone he would already be logged in my point is this firewall I like you just the way you are but I had a plan yeah and what was that plan exactly jailbreak wanted to get to the cloud and now that she's here is she gonna do are there even any other emojis here mass all I feel I know jeans feeling mad and all but he was also looking directly at the spot that just surprised and captured it and even if the super BOTS got through the firewall via the email app which is some nonsense even for this movie how did it end up in the same spot as Dropbox movie does know that there are different clouds right no god damn it's thing is terrible no problem I could take you right now said no phone technician ever movie sets up this whole adventure by saying there's only one way to get to the cloud but now you can get back on the phone through Dropbox via Twitter Dylan waits to kill protagonists for no other reason than providing him with an escape opportunity cliche jailbreak is able to gain control of this spot because of hack hack thingy-thingy tech tech hack tech the thing the app happened to be in middle of the phone screen and that resetting a phone to factory settings works progressively by the physical location of the apps on the interface and that I gave up the will to live 30 minutes ago Jean you got this even though Jean spent his entire life with the ability to express different emotions because he got turned down by some girl a few minutes ago he's completely lost his Emoto I'm in last time I was in this cube I screwed everything up gene and therefore movie has time for this dammit movie you forced me to see all this nonsense once already puking it at me again is worth at least 10 cents jailbreak now or 45 seconds ago when this would have been effective hey excuse me Jesus Christ this is a movie about ping emoji but doesn't even know how to phone right I mean say Alex unplugged the phone and somehow stopped the delete and pretend that's an actual thing that works but still deleted when you delete an app it's been gone so this restoration of all the apps and everything within them is the Bulbul in a big movie pile a bowl add 100 more cents and after this moment the emoji formerly known as gene went on to rule tex topples and one of the longest and most brutal regimes in smartphone history and the andy garcia and passengers award for shortest cameo goes to sofia vergara your request to launch a pop culture based dance craze has been denied you know for a movie that set itself up with the whole kids are always on their phones narrative there's been very little phone usage which i guess is a good thing considering this is only like the third time the emojis have actually gathered in your cubes watch out for your cornhole but like you are is a malfunction what is your major malfunction numbnuts huh feel my face welcome to the firewall how may I help you what is her name her name yes all right it's not a question space the final frontier okay Billy super sounds of the seventies weekend just keeps on coming they could stay here with you like forever forever forever ever forever ever I'll be honest I've already forgotten the emoji movie usually I'll make a reference to the movies food scenes to start out a nature boxset but in this movie's case just can't remember any of them there was pizza I think all right whatever emoji movie sucks the [ __ ] more than anything that I've ever [ __ ] before you know what doesn't suck naturebox and stuff how many times have I told you don't say and stuff right now if you go to naturebox.com/tyler sent off your first order when you use the promo code since that's a significant savings nature box snacks are healthier and free of artificial colors and flavors they have a huge variety and are always adding new snacks and they shipped to your door I mean how easy is this just go to naturebox.com/tyler sins and get 50% off your first order from oh code sins don't mess this up people don't screw it up

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 11,914,286

Rating: 4.8887596 out of 5

Keywords: cinemasins, emoji movie, everything wrong with, cinema sins, wave jockey job

Id: VYslZytdOWg

Length: 20min 37sec (1237 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 23 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/ROBOT_B9]

Just remember, Sony could have made an animated Popeye the Sailor movie instead of this.

[u/atomicrebirth]

The mere existence of this movie should be worth 100 sins before even starting up the movie.

[u/thisismyfirstday]

Wait, this movie made $215 million? I don't want to live on this planet anymore...

[u/armed_joy]

Through no fault of CinemaSins I couldn't get through this. This movie is just that unwatchable

[u/borticus]

I'm sorry you had to watch this movie. But I am grateful for the Multiplicity clip.

[u/KingThrillgore]

That 8th dreadful Fast and Furious movie killed the sin counter and yet it lives through this dreadful dreck?