Everything Wrong With Cats In 18 Meow-nutes Or Less

[Music] comcast also 42 seconds of logos you think they showed this much bull before the curtain opened all those times on broadway no they just told you to silence your phones and beepers and thanked npr for sponsoring them oh oh no no no no no i knew the effects in this movie were going to be everyone knew that but it's like the difference between being told a chicken wing is crazy hot and eating a chicken wing that's crazy hot nothing can prepare you for this also this movie officially made crawling on all fours toward the camera unsexy in films in porn and home movies done over played thanks cats god damn this opening is annoying between the blaring synthhorns the nightmare fuel of the circling humanoid felines and the fact that this [ __ ] won't get out of the bag i'm adding 20 cents for this movie already pissing me off also is that taylor swift if all the cats scattered as soon as victoria was released why are they immediately [ __ ] with her now i mean i guess actual cats would do that so the sin as always is cats also he sings can you say that your bite is worse than your bark and dude forgot he was in a movie called cats great their immediate response to this poor lady cat being dumped in a [ __ ] alleyway as to brag about how awesome they are it's like being dropped on the sidewalk outside the house of dj khaled i'm only four minutes in and i need drugs i need drugs stat someone bring me all the drugs he asks if victoria was there in ancient egypt and i'll be goddamned if he can say that he was i guess jellicles were everywhere in history but they didn't do [ __ ] about making decisions about structural development is this a horror movie this is a horror movie and no one told me right here i'm going to call chris to confirm hello yo you didn't tell me there's a horror movie before you scheduled it you know i get triggered by weird cat movements damn it uncle jim i told you to never call me this late especially after you've been drinking you physics it's moulin rouge but with cats what the hell is victoria even doing i know she's a cat and she found a few of her kind but these folks are pretty much dickholes and she should be hiding under that broke down car back in the alley ah yes the mouse trap that classic i got the christy play that's about wait i'm not allowed to reveal that twist ending i've been out for over 60 years damn it i wanted to talk about this much better play that's name checked here solely for a cat joke or a reference to it being the longest running play on the west side or whatever let's move on with this bullsh they sing skeptical cats to spectacle cats romantical cats fanatical cats critical cats parasitical cats allegorical cats metaphorical cats and they are just literally rhyming now and rhyming badly also they haven't allowed victoria to say a goddamn word this entire time it's almost as if she's being treated like a human female could get dangerous you know victoria's taking this completely different environment and getting creeped on by a green eyed stalker much better than she should be cat got your tongue do cats use cat idioms the naming of cats is a difficult matter clearly how else would we have character's name proboticans swiggum's a bunch and jim's liquor in this movie also [ __ ] these jellicles man they're pompous self-important ass balls that make everything thing super dramatic what's up with this cemetery there are gravestones all willy-nilly everywhere or if it's a place of a dude that makes the tombstones why do they all have writing on them already why do they have human hands everything else is cgi to [ __ ] back why would they leave their hands as human and don't get me started on the buttholes i'll get to those soon enough god 50 of this movie so far is pure adjectives this spoken word number is somehow even more infuriating than the big stupid show tune at the opening of the movie the director said let's have your character [ __ ] juggle apples like a true [ __ ] setting aside the lunacy of cats having [ __ ] celebratory balls what's this all about how many jellicles are there out there how do they pick the leader or representative who sends the evite about the ball every year who books the venue who makes the punch angelicals ask christ i'm so jealous or sick jellicle with this jellicle word jellicle that jellicle if i hear jellico one more jellicle time jellicle i'm gonna punch jellicle someone in the jellicle testicles the heavy side layer francesca hayward is a tremendous ballerina but clearly isn't trusted as an actress enough to get more than two lines in the first 15 minutes of this movie how will they be chosen by singing the song of themselves of course oh well of course why didn't i know that duh also the song of myself right now is horny these cats in this terrible movie are giving me an interesting boner okay let's talk about the buttholes or the lack thereof in this movie why no buttholes have you ever seen a cat they're proud of their buttholes they show those things off every chance they get to deny these cats their buttholes is to restrict the essence of their catness and i for one am on team free the pothole but also i'd like to point out that all these cats boy or girl should have six to eight nipples visible on their abdomens at least if we're being anatomically correct release the nipple cup breaking and entering also what responsible pet owner leaves this raging fire going with a cat running around or if the movie's implying that the cat lit this fire does that work also also they just walked into her home singing about how lazy she is and she seems cool with it and that's easily the most [ __ ] up thing so far so gumby cat turned the mice into a musical act fine but captain fire hazard is here to ruin the fun by pointing out how [ __ ] dead these mice will be very soon thanks to all the open flames yarn cardboard and such and such geez this gumby exposes her cat so much that i think i can see her kidneys no [ __ ] way these roaches are in this position when we just saw gumby nuts or whatever dance passed this a second ago with nothing there now train marching cockroaches she's trying to prove she's not lazy or at least not lazy all the time but all she's proving to me is that she has gross ideas what the jesus christ this movie is obsessed with crotches man i thought i was obsessed with crotches but this movie puts me to shame with the cockroaches dancing and the mice singing whomever decided to give jason to rule a british accent in this movie should not only be fired from movies but from life this might be the stupidest piece of content ever created i have subtitles and i'm [ __ ] lost man how did anyone ever understand what the [ __ ] was happening when this was a stage show do you think he just got muted i don't know if this line was in the original play but i choose to believe it was added here just to pour gasoline on the dumpster fire that is this adaptation somehow these [ __ ] cats have been transported to the club from tron legacy police tell me michael sheen is going to show up and make at least some of this movie watchable what kind of diner closes for the night and has no physical door but rather a locked fence gate that animals and small humans can fit through and leaves the neon on overnight i can't play the music for you here but rum tum tugger here does more runs than ariana grande covering christina aguilera doing a high schooler's karaoke version of mariah carey that makes no sense what kind of pin that is crooked twitches a safety pin a bowling pin clothespin i realize this musical has been joked about for ages but it also ran on broadway for ages so is the lsd ingesting stage musical loving crowd just way bigger than i realized she used to be the star of the windmill and she went with my cavity no she lives on the wasteland oh god does any of this make sense you could tell this story to preschoolers and even those four-year-olds would be all what the hell is this guess what i was thinking rubble but regardless movie wants to ride the coattails of james corden's epic vocal performance in the emoji movie how does the gumby cat not know who the cavity is even if she's new on the scene the jellicles would totally warn her about him hey that's a balls joke right there folks this movie is officially lazier than a shrek sequel i swear to god this song is all about how [ __ ] fat this cat is i honestly already tried pouring acid on my eyes folks not enough damage inevitable the hell is that a harry potter spell did that cat just apparate the hell oh god standing hell [ __ ] another song where a new cat introduces his or herself this entire musical is like that doctor doctor scene from spies like us mango jerry and rumple teaser i'm not exactly sure how much cocaine was in existence in the late 70s and early 80s but i do know that it was all used to make this script happen so far the calico twins are the most boring new cats we've met and that's saying something but also is the girl calico taylor swift why the hell did all the homeowners in this city leave their windows wide open this is worse than the humans in the secret life of pets giving a [ __ ] a pearl necklace has never been less sexy a cat spins on its ass on the main serving plate on the dining room table sin for sanitation reasons why the humans making this delicious looking roast then leaving it out presumably on the [ __ ] floor for the cats to consume how the hell did mr mistoffelees find victoria all the cats scattered after my cavity showed up but there's no way he could track her down in this rando's house god damn it i thought you'd miss the arrival what's the rival vote in front of me holy [ __ ] victoria arrived on the most important day of all captain and of course everything's happening on the same night i'm determined to win and i prefer my competition chained up so my cavity is eliminating his competition before the competition can even begin that's cheating meow seriously this is [ __ ] [ __ ] man it's a movie about cats but somehow this one guy can teleport like nightcrawler eat my ass movie eat my jellicle [ __ ] ass p.s i hate you who are you and here's another song introducing a new character god damn [ __ ] what the what was writing for broadway really this easy back in the day you can't just say tames because it rhymes with ames it's the river thames british people where have you been why the hell does this even care i know he has an insta boner for victoria but she literally just arrived hours ago if not less shouldn't he be more worried about the rest of the jellicles old deuteronomy is shrouded in london fog even though the lead character is just a few feet away have it perfectly clear how is victoria singing along with his elegy when she has no clue whose old bat is why is old deuteronomy furred out like a silverback instead of a cat this circle dancing with no plot advancement goes on for some time plot advancement synchronized tail wagging why does one cat guy have red overalls when all the other cats are pantsless i know victoria's hot and all but why was she immediately accepted into the jellicle clan she has no bona fides and they've been bragging about how exclusive they are during this entire movie oh she's wearing a fur coat that raises even more questions no one will be seated while jason derulo and some other rando does some breakdancing for no reason at all in my life i cannot get this movie out of my brain this dance party is really moving oddly this is the first recorded orgasm dame judy dench has ever committed to film jennifer hudson is an immense talent and this is the most famous song in the show but i'm just too darn distracted by the line of snot running from her right nostril straight down over her lip so wait the classic memory song is sung by the sperm glamour cat about her time with angelicals sorry i haven't seen this play in a long time i thought that song was about old love and important deuteronomy is hosting the most important event for jellicles of the year but she has time to pop away and watch victoria serenade the outcast cat dude you've been here for like a couple hours maybe there's a seedy underbelly of the jellicles you don't know about maybe they're just waiting to offer you as a sacrifice to the jellicle moon later in the night you don't know earlier she's saying that jennifer katzen should be happy because at least she has beautiful ghosts but now she's singing about how she the singer will dance with beautiful ghosts but never in the song did jennifer katzen give permission for that i'm just going to literally type out and read the lyrics to this song so you can see what a matrix architect level of meaningless dribble it is the moments of happiness we had the experience but missed the meaning an approach to the meaning restores the experience in a different form beyond any meaning we can assign to happiness the past experience revived and the meaning is not the experience of one life only but of many generations not forgetting something that is probably quite ineffable i mean what the [ __ ] is that cockery christ would you like to see me make the jellicle choice i'm pretty sure deuteronomy is hitting on victoria here not that i would blame her but it seems like a bold strategy for someone you just met i've never played the egyptian before that's racist the hell why would cats say cross anything for luck that is a purely human thing to you know what yes cats don't talk in real life but here they do and english is fine i don't care but these casual feline versions of human idioms and colloquialisms are maddening he's the first jellicle contender we've seen perform for old dengerotomy and he's just listing off all the ways his life has been miserable it's a furry musical version of that seinfeld episode where george tries to out misery and andrea doria survivor for an apartment this is cheating unless make me pistopoules here is going to wave the wand for every performer this is [ __ ] cheating they're meowing as applause but studies show cats really only meow around humans and are probably just trying to imitate the sounds of babies who they've noticed for generations get immediate attention when they cry around each other they might purr or if they're fighting they might cry or yell but you almost never see two cats pass in a humanless hallway meowing hello as they go by also she lifted her leg in the air to signify either her own enjoyment of the performance or at least that it was now appropriate for the crowd to react to the performance either way that's a weird signal i'm done with this guy first of all he shouldn't be able to transport wherever he wants it will but even if he can he should just do it several times within the span of a few minutes and not drag this out for a couple days why didn't he grab gus earlier when he was backstage licking the water before he performed [Music] jesus tap dancing christ i would pay a thousand dollars to make this just a ballet like the nutcracker but the movie insists on assaulting my eyes and ears with whatever the sh this is this is as good a time as any to say that this movie and the musical that inspired it has nothing to say there are no messages no themes no symbolism it's actually called together from t.s eliot poems which makes a lot of sense given what i've seen so far but don't come for a message don't come for a theme just take a ton of drugs and come for a trip look i don't know how we got into this trained sleeping car and neither do you but it bears recognition that these beds are very appropriate for cat-sized cats instead of human-sized humans okay but what is that rope attached to on the other end sprinkling catnip on the audience is also cheating everyone in this contest is cheating it's like an american election only less brazen also i'm pretty sure this is how taytay gets her audience so hyped up during her concerts between idris elba t-swift and j-hud the studio clearly spent a lot of money on actors that have a total screen time of roughly three minutes she sings that she knows my cavity cheats at cards and that's honestly eviler than anything we've seen him do so far also naming the villain the cavity is a little weirdly anatomical and orally fixated why not a canker sore or a cottonmouth or a herpes lip i would [ __ ] every cat in this performance if it would speed the movie up also i would [ __ ] every cat in this performance the cavity calls himself the napoleon of crime here in song and just napoleon of crime napoleon eventually lost and got banished to an island is this paw shadowing time has come to make the jellicle choice if that's the case and this is all my cavity wanted why hasn't he been at all the [ __ ] catballs in his life oh deuteronomy if you would does a contestant get to decide when the choice is made we haven't even heard the new girl victoria sing on my own yet he's got soul that is taylor's only line in the movie and i'm pretty sure her boyfriend was her dialect coach because her british accent is as bad as his i am going to the heavy side later so let's say my cavity is successful and wins and goes and gets reborn to any of his very loyal henchmen and henchwomen stand to gain at that point now you could argue he's already paid them handsomely but i would just ignore that argument and send the movie anyway look it was only a bit of fun i disagree have you seen this movie mistoffelees goes through all the she can do in this song despite the plea from his clan to use his sh to get deuteronomy back which he sucks at this goes on for a lot of some time jason derulo had to get in full body cat makeup just to grimace the cats are singing never was there ever a cat so clever as magical mr mistoffelees i guess mestopolis just needs support like tinkerbell and peter pan to get his magical boner up he did revive her but somehow she's not in the basket under the blanket but is standing behind him because few that's why wow this nuzzle is enough to make mestopolis ejaculate cards all over the stage skytrombone's being played by no one this is the entire movie in a nutshell the cavity disappears and now the captive cats start trying to escape like what if you try this any of the five other times he's transported away from this ship over to the city i guess they're fighting the cavity's goons honestly i can't tell where the cat action is since this is edited worse than a marvel fight sequence at this point it's apparent that victoria is stalking this poor soul and should be sentenced to be put down barking orders also the brand new cat brought this lady in here despite her long ears of isolation and the rest of the jellicles are cool with that as she sings memory again i'm very happy that she found a tissue since the last time the actual best song in the movie comes way too late to win back the audience's favor which sucks because i'm sure angelico hudson worked her ass off when recording this and it's a fantastic version of the song but i and many viewers were already too mad at this point to come around god this is a sad [ __ ] this is the saddest [ __ ] i've seen since my college damn show up and sing a sad song and you get the world handed to you on a platter but deuteronomy must be part of that plane right she's been around for a long time and had to have had a role in the exile of grizzabella so memory girl won the contest and they're going to send her up to the heavy side layer via a hot air balloon really wizard of oz called and it doesn't want to sue you for ripping it off it just wants to make fun of you for being sucky okay i guess that's it for our antagonist this movie can eat a bullet as they sing more gibberish about the mystical divinity to close out the show i would like to say this to anyone that ever paid money to see this stage show or this movie myself included you got played son but how would you address a cat she asks how i'd address a cat and based on this movie i'd throw them in the river thames as soon as possible i can't help but notice that when dame dench is addressing the camera the cats in the background have no clue about what to do so they're totally gonna [ __ ] right i believe you truly are a jellicle cat oh [ __ ] a duck lady she didn't do anything jellicle which i know because jellicle was never once defined by you wait they're gonna i'm not against it i just hope they actually show that now is the perfect time to check out the bts podcast we'll tell you the truth about jeremy's love of this incredible film and how it left the world a better place no no janae pretty sure he said this one should rot in hell oh i misunderstood well then barrett absolutely said that this one needs more buttholes find out what really happened behind the scenes available on youtube every thursday at noon or check your podcast player for behind the scenes yep the minister's cat is a language but i'm very badly injured the wound is beginning to smell a little like almonds there was me that is alex and my three drews that is pete georgie and dim bow to her bow to the queen of slime the queen of filth that's gonna leave a mark who are you i know you you make one more drug deal with that idiot cop magnet of a cousin of yours i'll cut your nuts off shame [Music] shame shape i am so so sorry for everything that has happened my mother would say you should enjoy it one day you'll have to work for a living no i won't ma i'm gonna be a comedian a black superman what you're about to see is considered safe i tell you in another life and we are both cats that's hilarious

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 928,351

Rating: 4.9400091 out of 5

Keywords: cinemasins, cinema sins, cinemasins sins, cinemasinssins, everything wrong with, eww, review, movie review, mistakes, movie, everything wrong with cinemasins, cinemasins cats, cats, cats movie, taylor swift, james corden, movie mistakes, cats musical, cats review, cats 2019, everything wrong with cats, everything wrong with cats movie, cats movie reaction, cats movie review, cats movie taylor swift, cats movie behind the scenes, bloopers, commentary, reaction, recap

Id: b2mAMRq6ENM

Length: 19min 4sec (1144 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 15 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/ROBOT_B9]

You did it. You actually went and did it. :O

Edit: Aww, not one reference to or outtake of The Aristocats, a much better musical cat movie?

[u/TheMemeSaint177]

I can’t believe someone saw the finished VFX of this movie and thought “yeah that’s good enough for audiences.”

[u/The_Comic_Dragon]

This is yhe closest I will ever choose to get to watching this atrocious looking movie.

[u/Niksa2007]

Wait wait wait, there's something wrong. The video is only 18 minutes instead of 90

[u/YouDeliciousMeHungry]

I yelled when I saw the alert pop up! But only 18 minutes, huh? How many sins did you have to cut out???

[u/Kulstad3093]

What a painfully bad movie! I was dying to walk out within the first 10 minutes but couldn’t because my older brother insisted we see this trainwreck. 🙄 Easily the worst movie of 2019. For a movie that was 2 hours it felt like 4 hours.

[u/Coug-Ra]

Barrett Share: “Yeah, man. I’d fuck that whole cast.” pshhhht

[u/bshaddo]

I don’t think I can watch this until I see the movie. And I don’t think I can watch this movie until they legalize weed where I live.

[u/GerFubDhuw]

After watching the whole movie I have just one question.

What the fuck is a jellicle cat!?