Comedian Debunks Evolution. Reno Collier - Full Special

i'm sick of this crap i want to be a dude you know stupid and before i did this job i used to be a school teacher right and are there any teachers in here a whole bunch what do you teach honey junior high what class who food and nutrition do you say science too that's all pe don't laugh everybody in here is p.e teacher look just like me well the woman once did that's true if we're honest with each other and i feel like we are come on let's open up a little bit you said science do you believe in science yeah it ain't real it's stupid you don't believe it really we're all adults we can be honest like do you really believe in it you think it's real you love chemistry that ain't real they just make that stuff up every generations thought they had science figured out nobody did you used to get a cold and they bleed you he's the smartest guy in our village what's i always felt like i was falling behind in science class when i was a kid and i figured out why it's because science teachers they speed through everything so you don't have the time to ask any questions and by the time they get done they just give you a d and you're like all right i'm cool with that i go to seventh grade that's the game i remember when i was a kid they never let me ask any questions the teacher be like all right boys and girls everybody open up your book space 52. all right kids look at the diagram check this out a long long time ago all of us in here used to be monkeys right then we turned into this chewbacca circus carnival freak show looking thing but now we're all people next chapter move on no questions well guess what i had questions how come monkeys are the only animals that were ever allowed to turn into people yeah how come there's no two-legged giraffe with a short neck walking around vaping cause it ain't real [Applause] yeah not to mention the fact we still got monkeys [Applause] what that guy used to be a freaking duck stupid the science teacher lady came up to me after a show one time right she comes up she's like sorry sorry excuse me that's how they talk right she didn't do that i don't make her look stupid [Music] she's like excuse me i was like yeah what's going on with you she goes let me tell you what i think i think you just make fun of things you don't understand i was like i can live with that yeah okay stupid there's just that she goes we've always had monkeys just like we do now as that's on a long time ago a group of those monkeys broke away from the yellow monkeys to become people these monkeys stayed monkeys these monkeys became people yeah i'd love to been at that campfire i'm sick of this crap i want to be a dude you know stupid [Applause] science is stupid i'm sorry but i don't believe it i don't want to ruin what you spend your life doing but that's silly man you guys i mean think about it like you remember back in the 1960s when john f kennedy invented space or whatever you know what i'm talking about like for like a couple thousand years people playing connect the dots with the stars and they're like i see a big dipper kitty cat don't see a gladiator john f kennedy's like this is ridiculous we have brilliant people in this world they're called scientists and i'm going to get them all together in one room and figure out a way to go check that out so that's what he did he got the smartest scientist this von braun dude from germany and all these american scientists he gets them together forms nasa he gets them in the big room or whatever he's like alright check this out you're the smartest scientist in the world we need to figure out a way to go check out outer space it's up to you to do it go get them what do you need and i guess they're like well the scientists like whoa guys i mean first of all we're gonna need a rocket ship and i guess he's like all right cool billion dollars pow build a rocket ship here's what i didn't think everything through because you remember what happened they built a rocket ship then i guess after the ship's done they're like all right boys we got the ship done and i want y'all get in there and those dudes so i i get in that thing i feel like well we built a ship now what are we supposed to do and one of these scientists brilliant had to have said out loud because somebody did said let's stick a monkey in there and they're like yeah a monkey they picked a monkey they chose a monkey not even steal some idiot off the side of the street and cram them in there they picked a monkey is this coming out in chinese do you understand what i'm saying to you people a monkey have you been to the zoo let's fire him into space he looks like he'll teach you something [Music] the monkey's name was coco or whatever and they tricked him in there with diet pepsis and skittles or i don't know how they got them in there but i guess before takeoff peta found out about it because that monkey had a helmet on his head i'm pretty sure that's how it happened we took a monkey with a helmet on his head and we fired him into outer space so he can come back and teach us about what he learned on his trip all right first of all why does a monkey need a helmet if a monkey hits his head on something he just becomes more monkey welcome back from outer space monkey tell us what you learned ah frank he must have hit his head on something he won't even talk to me second of all every time i see an astronaut on tv astronauts act like they're all full of themselves if you're an astronaut knock it off you're doing a monkey's job that's right yeah you're second string to coco then the russian scientists are making fun of our scientists stupid americans shoot the monkey dudes but you know what they did they fired a dog into outer space what does that even look like the rocket ships taking off the window's open on the side dog's head's hanging out stupid did i change your mind honey i just the only class i believe in is pe pe is real the rest of it like art you shouldn't shouldn't even be in school like art is supposed to be your own expression you know i mean you can't get a grade for that if your kid glues his macaroni on a paper plate and eats the glue that's his deal man that's how he does it they force on you the art they like and tell you that's what you're supposed to like that ain't fair children write this down picasso was a genius you ever see a picasso painting one eyes up here the mouse and the wrong girl my kids draw stuff looks just like that they also eat their boogers what is he a prodigy in this kid children look at this pain it's the mona lisa she's gorgeous it looks like george washington with a share wig on that's sick ain't hot now i'm believing the only class i don't make fun of is spanish because i couldn't learn it i couldn't stop laughing if you take spanish in the south you can't stop laughing because you can't just you walk into class and the teacher looks at everybody and she's like hola senior collier what don't you pluma i don't know if i'm in the right place one of the classes history they change that every time it doesn't fit somebody's agenda i don't know what these kids are learning anymore they do when i was a kid christopher columbus was a hero we got a day out of school for that dude he founded america we were singing songs and dancing columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492. now they're like he was a jerk he was lost he's looking for the west indies his wife said make a left he made it right he didn't even know where he was going stupid then he got lost he crashed his ship or whatever in america he got off the ship and he hacked up all the indians and it's like goodness at least i got half off my mattress i just don't believe in him math math ain't real math is set up to make you feel stupid nobody knows the answer to that stuff it's all slight of hand it is i'm not kidding think about it now they got common core whatever that pineapple plus asterisk equals yogurt or whatever that's stupid math is set up to make you feel stupid nobody knows the answer to that they crush your dreams too when you can't figure out what they did reno what's six times six i was like oh my gosh i've worked so hard on my multiplication tables i know this 6 times 6 is 36 they're like do you feel good about yourself i'm like yes i do and they're like we'll figure this out for the next eight years what's 6a times 6b huh it's like well i don't know because you put letters in there that's not even the right class mathis numbers letters of the rest of them you learned that when you're a little kid i told my kids math wasn't real my son's like dad what's why i'm like i don't know we were looking for when i was a kid too and ain't there what's x one third of a dirty movie i don't know what any of this stuff means either that or they tell you half a story scare you to death they never tell you what happened to the people in the story i'd lay in bed all night worried about those people they don't tell you what happened they just leave you hanging what happens if a train leaves california at four o'clock another train leaves new york at six o'clock where exactly are they when they smash into each other it's like oh man uh texas no missouri dude i hope everybody got out all right that's why i taught pe you get hit in the head of the ball you're out that's real life you know what i'm saying so i just came in here from tennessee i live in tennessee and uh you ever been there yeah yeah really i live in murfreesboro you know where that is are you kidding me you know where it is how do you know where it is drove past it you don't pass it i wish i would have i ran out of gas i've been there 13 years i still can't spell it it's not it's not like murphy like an irish it's like [Music] m-u-r-f-r-e-b-i-n-g is stupid i try to order stuff off tv in the middle of the night i'm like hey give me that vacuum cleaner hair cutter deal they're like where you live at i'm like murfreesboro like can you smell it i'm like nope click yeah yeah i'll brush my hair but when i first moved there right like i'd lived in los angeles before that and we had kids and uh and i didn't want to raise my kids uh and i would have wanted them to learn english before they learned spanish and then we moved to nashville and they still don't learn english but it don't matter so so when we moved there i was trying to find something cool to do with my kids right and i'm talking to my next door neighbor and i'm like hey man what do people do around here for fun and he's like man you ain't gonna believe this 90 miles away from here in a place called chattanooga tennessee is the greatest aquarium in the world like i'm thinking where tennessee is i'm like the greatest he's like i'm not kidding you man people come from all over the world to see this aquarium you've got to take your children i'm like kids get in the truck we're going to the greatest aquarium in the world and they hopped in the truck and we drove 90 miles to get there and we get there and it's like 80 a person to get in this thing yeah and there's four of us so figure that out on your own now this aquarium sits on a river downtown chattanooga tennessee we're all excited i'm like oh my gosh kids here we go we're walking down this dark tunnel you can't see anything i'm cool my kids are like dad it's the greatest aquarium in the world i'm like i know kids i'm giving you this gift and we walk up and it opens up and you see nothing but light and glass and it's like and the first exhibit catfish i drove 90 miles paid 85 a person for you can't put glass around stuff you already own and ride aquarium on the outside of it yeah that's like you wanna go to the zoo yeah if they have a dog and a squirrel stupid [Music] i get angry at stupid stuff i had to quit drinking i used to drink uh and now i don't uh and and i used to drink a lot and then i can't and i'm glad kind of but i used to just i'd spend like a tr and then i could have a beer and i'd be like ah and now i go and there's nothing it's like and i fire into no man's land on top of it i got that adhd tv whatever that stupid thing is i can't focus on nothing like my kids probably uh you know i used to be this happy-go-lucky beer-drinking fluffy kid and now i'm like get out of my grass like it just happened overnight and i can't dig i can't watch the news everybody's good like 16 year olds should vote did anybody see this that's what they said 16 how are you going to vote when you can still be grounded who you voting for boy bernie sanders not today you're not get in your room [Applause] give me a break the world's flipping upside down and i got my whole family living in my neighborhood now that when i moved to murfreesboro my whole family decided it'd be a good idea for them to move there too and when you're young you need to be with your parents but when you're 48 you don't not the same street my dad is just one of these real angry i'm like i'm angry but i'm not medicated he's so mad all the time like he's just like his hair is real short like he's mad at it like you know and his belt's too tight and the grass is like that high just and on top of being angry he's one of these people that blows everything out of proportion you got people like that in your family like the little smallest thing happens and they turned it into a tornado i mean it's just a nightmare i know when he comes in my house he's got you and not only does he blow stuff out of proportion but he's all right so he wears a neck brace right but it's not one of the hard ones it's one of those soft cushiony i think he just wears it so he can hold his head up and sleep while he's standing but you know what i'm talking about he wears it because like three years ago some poor girl rear-ended him driving two and he says it ruined his church softball career so he's gotta let everybody know so i know whenever he comes in the house there's trouble and there's probably nothing but he just did this because so everybody's sitting around calling a house he comes in the house he's got his thing on his head his neck and everybody's calm we're playing board game like everybody's calm and a door opens up he comes in he's like oh man alive nobody come upstairs i gotta tell you something you ain't gonna believe this oh man here we go what daddy he's like sit down you are not gonna believe what happened whoo that hasn't gone out and caused a diabetes dude what man i've done gone out and caught the diabetes like how you know you caught the diabetes he's like cause my feet's numb my daddy had numb feet he caught the diabetes his daddy had dumb feet he caught the diabetes now my feet's numb and i think i want to cut the diabetes [Laughter] so last year he decides he's taking our whole family on a family vacation which means everybody gets in my truck and we drive from murfreesboro to washington dc right have anybody here ever been to washington d.c a bunch of people okay did you ride the metro when you were there if you'd never been there before they had this metro train system right it goes into dc and virginia and maryland you can go around and see the sights and we were going to go to the air and space museum and my dad was all irritated because he thought it was a museum about a woman named aaron space anyway it don't matter so we're on the train whole family we get to our stop right and when we get to the stop for the air and space museum the doors of the train open up whole family gets off the train except my dad my dad won't get off the train and we're looking at him through the open door and he's sitting inside the train looking at us like i ain't getting off here i don't care about that woman or a museum i'm like dad come on man we gotta go he's like i ain't getting off this ain't my stop until last second my stepmom said andy get off the train at the last second my dad goes to get off the train as he goes to get off he jumps through the open doors as he jumps through the open doors the doors of the train close and catch one of his feet inside the train so his body's on the outside his foot's on the inside he's just yelling my foot stuck my foot and this lady inside the train is trying to help him and set him free right she's pulling on his shoe to center free he's like she's stealing my shoes at the last second the woman jerks his shoe off he pops his foot through the doors of the train close the train takes off and my dad's standing on the platform with one shoe and a dirty sock like good lord you see what they did they'll steal anything from you anymore do you see that woman i was like man are you okay he's like yeah i'm okay shoot actually i'm better now only one of my fates caught the diabetes you guys have been awesome thank you so much have a great night everybody thank you you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 448,689

Rating: 4.6017408 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Reno Collier, Reno Collier Dry Bar Comedy, Reno Collier Comedy, Reno Collier Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Evolution, creationism, theory of evolution, missing link, man evolved, apes, monkeys

Id: -mdn3aI7twc

Length: 21min 9sec (1269 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 25 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/kmtrp]

OK, so he never bothered to find out the basics of evolution, "therefore it's fake". Very common among illiterates.

But why is the audience laughing like "right on bro"? Is this a mormon show?

[u/solentlurk654]

Pretty sure that's just a bit. I hope

[u/moviequote88]

Every time one of these troglodytes brings up why evolution is "fake" or "doesn't make sense" they use the same 2-3 arguments. If only they took the time to read a book or article explaining why what they're saying is not accurate.

[u/E-Bagginz]

Honestly the worst part of this isn’t anything he says about evolution it’s just that it’s really not that funny

[u/Efficient_Wealth6628]

Being ignorant is ok, if you are willing to learn but, there’s no cure for being willfully ignorant = being plain STUPID & there we all know there’s no cure for that.

[u/BlackManta_777]

"Science teachers, they just speed through everything so you don't have the time to ask any questions..."

So unlike religious parents, pastors, and priests

[u/droneyhawk]

It’s definitely a bit, it’s funny because of how fundamentally wrong he is, just my opinion

[u/TCHU9115]

It's like if one those Facebook dipshits decided to try standup and told all of his friends on his anti vax page to come support him.

[u/hahatcha]

I mean it's not very funny, but he's holding the room and people are laughing. Who knows if he really believes what he's saying, it doesn't really matter because it's just an act. Lots of stand up comedians will play a character on stage that's exaggerated or deliberately stupid.