You Shouldn't Share Anything With Your Wife. Tommy Drake - Full Special

how come all the covers are on your side of the bed cause all the people are on my side of the bed i'm not a famous man sometimes the venue thinks i'm famous that's funny to me i was driving up to a bar while i was doing a show one show one night at a bar they put my name on the marquee that's cute because nobody's ever heard of me but my name was misspelled it said tonight tommy drak i wasn't mad i thought it was funny about the manager outside i said i just want you guys to know you left the e off the end of my last name he said we needed that e for the word tonight it's a pleasure to perform in front of comedy fans like you guys sometimes i get invited to reform at company parties corporate events those are no fun everybody's uptight they're in a work environment try to price myself out of those shows you know the last one i did was for the employees of sam's club they only needed one show but i made them buy 12 of them [Music] i am a married guy so if you want to hang out with me socially i can either show up on time or i can bring my wife [Music] some people think that jokes mean spirit i want you to know that's our love language that's how we say i love you we tease each other but she is way better at teasing me than i am at teasing her the other night she turned to me she goes i can't sleep start doing your act it sounds harsh but it works for us i know it's not a record but i'm proud to tell you guys my wife and i have been married for 24 years now i think that's a pretty good run just last week facebook congratulated us on nine years of friendship i didn't know facebook knew that much about my marriage [Laughter] [Music] no kids women have a maternal instinct my wife's best friend had a baby my wife went over to her friend's house held a two-week-old sleeping baby for 20 minutes she comes home she wants a baby i called her friend i said next time let her hold the flat screen tv because i've been thinking about it and i'm ready i'm constantly failing as a husband and wife will give me the simplest chore i'm going to mess it up she sent me the store to get her deodorant i couldn't find her brand how am i supposed to find something that's invisible unscented and secret there's no sharing in my marriage we don't share anything i sleep on the right side of the bed my wife sleeps in the middle then she has the nerve to complain in the morning how come all the covers are on your side of the bed cause all the people are on my side of the bed kind of interesting my wife is 12 and a half years older than me yeah my wife is what they call a cougar which means that when she caught me i was the slowest of my herd women always want to talk to me about the age difference some of them are mad about it i had a lady come up here she goes i don't understand your marriage what could you two possibly have to talk about we have twice as much to talk about we're from two different generations we could teach each other stuff the other one didn't learn growing up my wife taught me all about watergate and nixon resigning and i taught her how to find the warp zones on super mario brothers we have a lot in common music i'm a big beatles fan she was alive when they were together i want my wife to have whatever she wants my wife won't tell me what she wants that'd be too easy she wants me to guess i'm not a good guesser so she gives me clues it's my job to figure them out my marriage is like an episode of csi where they never catch the killer never is an exaggeration sometimes she gives me a clue i figured out makes me feel like a good husband a few years back we're at the movie theater watching a movie called burlesque there's a scene in the middle of this movie where everybody sings a song diamonds are a girl's best friend my wife whispers in my ear this is my favorite song and christmas is coming up so i bought her the soundtrack she was speechless for a whole week i do most of my shows on carnival cruise lines i just signed off a ship called the carnival vista in cozumel mexico a couple days ago so i could be here tonight i know it's hard to believe right here at drybar the same entertainment that you would get on a cheap mexican cruise cool part about the ships i get to be in the caribbean last week i was in the dominican republic and i got to take a tour of that factory where they make major league baseball players see where they put the arms on a lot of torque another fun part about ships about half the time i have little kids in my audience that's fun i had a little girl come up to me after a show and say you're my favorite comic i said oh thanks little boy with her said you're the only comic she's ever seen then the little girl looked at the little boy and said you're my only brother and you're not my favorite [Applause] i also perform on land i performed in every state people always ask what's my favorite city hard to pick a favorite i love all of them las vegas is interesting everything's allowed there we were coming in from the airport i saw a sign on the freeway that said buckle up it's our only law when i got married i took my wife to las vegas for our honeymoon to be romantic we went up to a roulette table and we bet on our ages if you want to bet on our ages now we have to play keno i'm in the airport all the time i'm a professional traveler here's my pro traveler tip for you guys next time you fly this will make your trip through the airport more fun they make you take your shoes off going through security put them up on that conveyor belt right after you take your shoes off next time go ahead take your pants off put them up on the conveyor belt nobody's looking right at you everybody's focused on their own stuff they only see you out of the corner of their eyes so don't make a big deal about taking the pants off make it smooth and natural right after the second shoe slip off your pants fold them up nice put them on top of the shoes it's going to take practice but if you do this right people behind you in line will start to take their pants off [Applause] i did not see this on the news this is interesting why why wouldn't they report that i would have worn different underwear i think if i didn't know this was coming these are my comfortable i'm going to be flying all day underwear not my strangers might see them underwear i grew up in a place called danville california which is near san francisco california people i think there's a lot to be learned from my home state it was the first place to make it illegal to smoke cigarettes indoors and ever since then the whole state has been on fire i just did some shows back home and you drive across the golden gate bridge now there's a kid with a gun standing there coast guard guarding the bridge i'm guessing this wasn't this guy's first choice of duty guarding a bridge if you're not a troll or a billy goat i don't think they should make you guard a branch i don't live in california anymore 22 years ago i moved from northern california to houston texas that's my home now that's a weird move there is a completely different cost of living i sold a 1200 square foot condo in california made enough money to move to houston and buy the astros there are some similarities they're both hugely populated cities they both have lots of traffic i've noticed a major difference when people cut each other off on the road in houston they're a lot friendlier to one another than they are in san francisco and i think that's because in houston everybody has a loaded gun in their car smiling and waving when you know the other guy has a gun i don't have a gun but i have a really good reason for not having a gun i know me [Laughter] if i had a gun people i love would be dead and i'd be in prison some of the laws shocked me being a california boy when i first moved to houston this was their liquor law they've since changed it when i first moved to houston you were allowed to have an open container of alcohol in your car as long as the driver wasn't drinking it but if you read your gun permit law you couldn't have the open container of alcohol in the same car with the loaded gun so that was the decision you had to make before you left the house is it a cult 44 or a colt 45 nights i could conceal then consume shots of shots i had a happy childhood i wasn't good at being a kid i didn't get into trouble i just wasn't good at things the kids are supposed to be good at i think it was the world's worst boy scout i could never get the merit badge i was going for that was my problem i tried to get my orienteering badge where they give you a compass and a map sent into the forest i didn't get my orienteering badge that day but three days later they gave me a wilderness survival badge [Applause] i tried to get my mile swim badge i couldn't get it but my friend dave got his lifesaver badge that day i got my miles swim badge the next year but i was going for my kayaking badge i think i've had a message for kids it's extra curricular activities if you stay busy you don't have time to get into trouble such a fan of extracurricular activities whenever the kids come to my door collecting or selling stuff i always give them money i'm a sucker for a little kid at my front door it was sad though last month kids from the ffa came by little farmers they were collecting because their barn burned down 17 show pigs died in the fire first responders said it smelled delicious these financial loss for the ffa they're looking for donations right now they need paper plates barbecue sauce bread ice tea side dishes napkins whatever you got send it along i'm jealous of kids today what a good time to be a kid kids have so much cool stuff now that i wish we had when we were little like the internet and attention deficit disorder [Laughter] who knew me acting out and getting poor grades was just a cry for medication i had to figure out i needed meds all by myself when i was 18. they pull you out of class hook you up send you back first grade's like a rave last month i was on a cruise ship i said attention deficit disorder on stage little boy down front could have been older than seven stood up in the middle of my show he goes it's not attention deficit disorder detention deficit hyper activity disorder sat back down right in the middle of my show like if we got to take his pills or something i looked it up on the internet the kid was right the internet that's what i'm jealous of my generation invented the internet none of us know how to use it every kid you meet hannah any device within moments they're masters of it they have instant access to all the information on the planet when i was a kid if i got assigned a report in school i had to pick a topic that started with the letters a through h because those are the encyclopedias we got before my parents stopped paying for them [Applause] i tried to do a report on constantinople it said see istanbul i'm like we don't have i this is due tomorrow i gotta pick a different city did a report on abu dhabi first city i found i recently had to change my email password so now i have to change my cat's name that's an awkward conversation to have with a pat mittens come here this is important your name's not mittens anymore daddy got hacked your new name is boots boots underscore 1357. the other day a teenager handed me his phone and asked me to help him take a selfie i think if i'm holding the phone and you're in the picture it's not a selfie he said well then help me take somebody else you didn't know the word picture i think we're taking too many pictures i think it needs to stop it's not the kids either it's the old people taking too many you know why i think us old people take too many pictures we can't believe they're free now we used to have to buy film we were paying by the picture we got to decide whether or not what we were looking at was worth it and back then we didn't even know if it was a good picture for like two weeks should we take another picture i don't know if we're cute right now i don't think we should we only have six of these left two weeks later you got an envelope filled with glossies half of them were garbage remember how hard it was to restage a photo two weeks later well kids put your christmas pjs back on mom's eyes are closed in this one good thing the tree's still up we didn't take selfies cut off your face out of that that cost you a quarter we didn't risk it i still don't take a selfie closest thing i take to a selfie is a close-up of that bump on my back to get a better look at it anyone else playing pimple or mole i'll tell you what back when we were paying by the picture nobody at the photo i revealed a picture of a cheeseburger and french fries i don't care how beautiful your food picture comes out you're gonna frame it put it on the wall that's my wedding day that's my nephew's christening that right there that's a lunch i had about eight years ago oh you're not gonna believe this that ended up being a pimple i'm jealous of the useless technology kids have now i can't believe they're video games so cool even the simple ones are cool guitar hero what a great idea for a game i grew up playing a game called burger time another game called paper boi low paying jobs that was my video game these kids get to be rock stars i was reading about it there's a new version of guitar hero plugs into a real guitar teaches kids how to play guitar for real that's great but everybody can't grow up and be a musician we need games that teach other skills copy machine hero when's that game coming out level three paper jam deal with it level five change the toner figure it out i made it to collate office people know collate and staple that is a big boss on copy machine hero i'm jealous of the books the kids have now i've been reading all the books written for young people i read the hunger games the twilight series my seven favorite of the harry potter read the harry potter books especially if you're old it's printed in a larger font written at a seventh grade level you feel like you're kicking butt i read 100 pages one day i only had to look up four words when i was young i wanted me to read the lord of the rings books i barely made it past the map in the front of the book harry potter knocked out all seven of them i was embarrassed to be caught reading a kid's book though so i wore my invisibility cloak if you're not laughing you're a muggle [Laughter] harry potter's an orphan harry potter doesn't have any living parents you know who else is an orphan i looked it up on the internet spider-man batman superman what are we saying to our kids if i didn't have these parents i could fly i think that's the wrong message we're sending wrong messages all the time i just did some shows in a little historic town called springfield illinois there's an abraham lincoln museum there i thought that's cool i want to learn more about lincoln you know what i learned lincoln walked 10 miles each way to school never missed a day and to celebrate his life we give our kids the day off i think president's day should be the day all the kids walk to school everything isn't cooler now some things were more fun when i was little halloween used to be more fun halloween's sad now kids trick-or-treat in the middle of the afternoon they only go to the houses of people that they already know oh that's spooky when i was little we had to face fear and earn our candy my parents would drive me somewhere in the middle of the night drop me off alone make me trick-or-treat my way back to the house i didn't know where i was and i couldn't see out of my mask i just say trick-or-treat do you know which way i live that always put me in the same homemade costume an all-black costume with no reflectors i don't want to be a ninja again tommy remember ninjas are quiet and they walk in the middle of the street if you're lucky enough to make it home what you have to do back then dump all your candy out on the floor spread it out if anything was unwrapped or tampered with you had to eat that right away because it could go bad most of stand-up comedy is exaggeration i wish i was exaggerating this next story i had a kid come to my door trick-or-treating last year at three in the afternoon five-year-old boy dressed as the devil i opened the door ticker t trick-or-treat is the middle of the day why aren't you trick-or-treating after dark he goes i'm scared of the dark you're the devil you're the prince of darkness halloween's about fear you can't handle fear you're not getting any candy get into character and i close the door feeling pretty good about myself till a minute later when the devil's mom came to the door she is way scarier than the devil some kids are extraordinary one of my personal heroes is a young lady named bethany hamilton a few years back she was 13 years old surfing got attacked by a shark got her arm bitten off three weeks later she's on tv surfing again with one arm i went skiing eight years ago i fell hit my ear kinda stung haven't been back [Applause] i don't do dangerous things i get injured doing safe things i was in a horrible thanksgiving related accident i'm going to tell you guys what happened to me i don't want it to happen to you we've all noticed old people will come out of retirement to cook something for the holiday and the older you are the better your gravy is that's how that works i don't know why but i'm curious i'm paying attention i'm trying to learn near as i could tell you have to have an arthritic grip on a fork and some sort of palsy to get all the lumps out get a good dew on it grandma stopped taking her pills last week this is gonna be the best gravy ever she made meringue in 12 seconds this afternoon she's faster than the mixer that's a house record i'm a good kid i love my relatives they look tired i say you guys have been working too hard enjoy your holiday hard part's done i'll keep an eye on the food kitchen's where the accident happened there's one big pot with a lid on it i found out the next day they call that pot a pressure cooker i want to see what's under the lid bam blows up in my face i was in the emergency room on thanksgiving you know the best doctor he doesn't work on thanksgiving i got a kid who was excited because he had a customer he took one look at my burns he goes dude you're lucky he called me dude you have second degree burns that means you get all the blistering and skin damage of third degree burns but your nerve endings remain intact so you get to feel the pain and the pain was heightened in my case because i have a medical condition i am a man i was born that way it runs on my family on my dad's side there's a mouse in my house i'm thinking great now i have mice what do i do i read on the side of a box of nutrasweet what i thought was a healthy substitute for sugar has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory mice i'm thinking perfect i sprinkled the stuff all over the house so the mouse would get cancer and leave didn't work two weeks later i found the mouse in my microwave bald but recovering wonderful part about my job i get to work with comics from all over the world different comics every week i recently got to work with a british comic i met some very nice british people this was not a nice british person one of the first things he asked me was hey are you a hockey fan i said yes but in america we call it canadian stick soccer this upset him for some reason he gets right in my face he goes that's the thing about you americans you're all ignorant and arrogant i said i don't know what those words mean but i bet it's something good [Music] then he says this to me he goes well i hate all americans because of your politics i said that's a silly thing to say because in america we have a two-party system which means half of the americans hate the other half pick a team then i got proud i said by the way when you're growing up in england did they make you learn to speak german he said no i said you're welcome [Applause] provo dry bar good angel i love all you guys thank you so much you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 532,444

Rating: 4.8811159 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Tommy Drake, Tommy Drake Dry Bar Comedy, Tommy Drake Comedy, Tommy Drake Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Millennial, Boomer, Married, snowflake, bed hog, diamonds, older woman, comedy, dbc, mouse

Id: oKThxBwfPgI

Length: 24min 56sec (1496 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 01 2020