Catholicism Is More Confusing Than You'd Think. Joey ILO - Full Special

and you put your elbow here and you put your elbow here and you put it together and as soon as you do that the priest goes please stare we go to church together we go to the non-denominational church you know we grew up in different cultures but we also grew up in different church cultures like she grew up in the catholic church and i grew up in a pentecostal [Laughter] ah i love this guy what is happening right now [Music] we made a commitment we would visit each other's churches um when we got married and i wasn't prepared for the workout that i was about to have catholic church they got pews and there's a pew behind you and one in front of you they're really hard wood and i didn't know there's equipment built in and that's for praying and there's not a lot of room in my way so we've got to put the equipment down what is this airbnb are we staying tonight there's no room to put it down you need space for that and we fold it down and you have to get this knee and you gotta put the knee i'm the kneeler thank you i started looking like the tin man i'm like i need oil come on priest bring it over need the oil i'm cramping up then you got to get this thing [Music] and you put your elbow here and you put your elbow here and you put it together and as soon as you do that the priest goes please stare please steal oh we're going down that was the short prayer must be prepared i got bad knees hold on please stand okay please [Applause] why aren't you standing he said i can take a break please sir please sit oh we're doing crunches it's like a zumba class i didn't sign up for and then we went to my church that night the pentecostal [Applause] [Applause] we don't even have a band it's like an aerobic church [Music] as you can see i haven't been to that church for a while i'm hyperactive i'm sorry i'm sorry front row it's my special i'll do what i want and i can't help but i just got diagnosed last week with the young and the restless leg syndrome i have no idea i do this i just walk in place you get my think i'm nervous i'm not i didn't even know i did this so the other day this lady came up and said excuse me sir the restrooms are over there the cool thing about this if you take one step forward it looks like your salsa dancing it's no longer a disability you got moves [Laughter] there's no music sir this is impressive it's all in my head i don't need a track you guys are like is he gonna be like this the whole time maybe it's my special i'll do what i want that's what they tell me just do what you want and they got away from me they sit back they let me go you gotta understand i'm originally he's funny he says branson missouri i'm originally from chicago do i sound like i'm from branson and i know you came in you see my name i you're like what does that mean is he jayla what is that j-e-l-l-o what does that mean my real last name's italian it's like danny i o the a is silent it's i had to take out every other letter cause if you google my real last name the only thing that comes up is mafia members and i didn't think that would be good for my career a silent last time i did a show my real last name they introduced me like this please welcome to the stage joey ayatollah it's like where'd you get the tea from the same wheel of fortune you can't just pick out letters and hope that it makes sense look over t for 500. my um my great-grandfather came from italy to ellis island came from italy new york new york to chicago and then into wisconsin into witness protection it's a complicated story i don't want to get deep into it but my grandfather is a kid he used to say i love you it's just that you got that face it's like what's wrong with my face he goes look in the mirror what do you see my face because that's the problem if you've got that face that means your kids are gonna have that face that could get you into trouble change your face and he walked away from me and i didn't know what he meant until years later i get a call from my manager and he goes we got a problem i wanted to get your domain name with your real last name but another joey aiello joey a-i-e-l-l-o popped up i'm like oh does he look like me i'm like you look like him so i went on to wikipedia and he's listed in wikipedia and this is what wikipedia said joey mastermind several unsuccessful attempts to assassinate al capone i kept going back to that first part mastermind several unsuccessful attempts i was like wow that sounds like my comedy career we have so much in common this year he became a gangster came closest to gilligan i became a comedian i come close to killing on stage some nights i don't i'm a mastermind but not doing it sometimes it's my special i'll just wait i don't care listen he's so special then she did that number oh that's the cute one trying to hold it in and it comes out of the shirt comes out of the shoe the ladies i'm not gonna laugh that much tonight comes out [Laughter] but listen i've never smoked i've never drank i've never done drugs which i think is a good thing could you imagine me on trucks even the drug dealers are like downside to him what are you crazy he's special and i'm a christian and my friends find out and they're like oh you're a christian you're one of those goody two-shoes like you should be happy i'm joey ella i could be out there whacking people [Music] [Laughter] unsuccessfully don't mess with me tonight if you like this show you tell everybody you know you don't like it don't you tell anybody you know you hear me i remember today i'm sorry you told me not to go that way i'm supposed to stay in a box of emotions i mean that's my testimony at church when i go on sunday i've never been tased it's a miracle so i get a call from my agent again years later and he calls me and he goes guess where you're moving i go to l.a he goes no new york no hawaii no this goes on for hours finally he goes branson missouri i go really because are you excited i go why not it goes nobody else wants to go i didn't know what was in branson i moved there and there's a bunch of tribute artists i didn't know what that was i'm a stand-up comic as the guys who dress up like elvis but they're not i started making friends with these guys i never had a friend who was elvis but he's not oh look it's elvis though that's jerry oh is that craig no he's johnny cash on the weakness and i vowed i would never become you know because when you're a stand-up it's like oh that's hack you know you use props attack you know becoming something you're not attack i'm not gonna do that but i wasn't doing well my show wasn't doing well and i needed the money and um someone come up to me and offered me a proposal they said you look like one of the characters from our favorite show because this is a small town and we feel like we're mayberry and you look like one of the characters from the andy griffith show and i said barney five they said no andy griffith no they said you look like the town drunk otis gamble i said who's otis campbell i didn't even know who it was i look like this lady what is he doing i didn't know and i i went and looked him up and when i seen his picture i heard my granddad he's got that face [Music] and they start telling me that they want to fly me around the u.s to small towns in america that think they're mayberry from mayberry festivals and they're going to pair me up with the barney fife impersonator and then after the festival we're going to do what's called the pub craw and i as otis is going to walk real drunk people but i don't even drink i'm like i'm not dressing up like a drunk they're like we'll pay you this much okay let's try we get done with the festival and some the promoter says you know the next town over the guy who owns that bar is a huge otis campbell fan go in there and don't break character no matter what happens i remember i walked into the bar first thing i said was hey what are all these people doing here what is this [Laughter] meeting i was not prepared for what the bartender says she goes that's it you're cut off i'd go i haven't even started yet she goes get out and i go i know and i'm not wanted and i'm walking out of a real bar 100 sober only the second time i performed this in public i'm thinking i'm an amazing actor i just got kicked out of a real bar and i don't even drink and i had these posters made up because our show was called the barney fight fully loaded show i named it because barney fights fully loaded he's got the one bullet i know this is fully loaded because he's always fully loaded i figure i'll give it to her we'll all laugh we'll realize it's a joke but when i went out to my car i dropped my keys and the people on the patio thought it was a real drunk so they called the real police and it was a small town in kentucky and it didn't take long for them to get there and it wasn't andy just a young cop who doesn't know who owed his campbell i'm looking through my car pitch black in the bar parking block 11 o'clock at night looking for the rack cards i'm like i could really use the light and they started flashing i'm looking back at the restaurant like uh someone's in big trouble i have no idea they're there for me they shine that bright white light on me like i just broke out of prison and the light is so bright i can't see anything i'm looking into the light and the light started talking to me [Laughter] and it said get on the ground and the light said we don't care who you are get on the ground and i wasn't moving fast enough so they came up to help and they grabbed me and they threw me on the hood of that car and for the first time in my career i'm thinking about breaking character every time i went to get up they threw me back down again he pulls me to my feet he goes how much you have to drink tonight [Laughter] you're not going to believe this officer [Laughter] nothing and he goes we'll see about that he pulls out a breathalyzer this is a true story i don't know anything about alcohol it tells me to blow into it he gets upset he looks down he goes just blew a point zero zero zero i go is that bad [Music] then i thought back to my special ed days i was like point zero zero zero oh this is horrible i didn't even score a point [Music] at least i got a 33 on my map test i failed it but we got some numbers up there he goes we gotta try it again i'm gonna try it again and again that's when another cop comes this one's different he gets out of the car he pulls his handcuffs out and he goes look it's out his camel and i go praise the lord someone actually knows who i am he has his hand comes out he goes you mind putting these on and get in the back seat of my car so i can take a picture for the sarge he's also a big fan i'm in the bar parking lot with my hands behind my back taking glamour shots [Music] [Laughter] and the moral of the story is i didn't get tased that night has confirmed me as the only otis campbell tribute artist [Music] to not go to jail [Applause] my wife is from the south she's from the deep south she's from ecuador if you're not laughing it's probably because you don't know where ecuador is deleting you're right i don't it's not a map okay oh man i remember when i i met my wife my wife my wife was beautiful she's very petite uh when we first got married when we met she's a size zero and the first year married she's like i'm getting fat i'm a size one it's like i just scored a point like if we're sports teams i'm winning it's 38 to one now it's 48 to 2. i got the ring i'm a champion i've been married 11 years you know but yeah when i'm 12. i meet couples they're married a lot longer to me they always blow my mind because i met a couple married 39 years i said man what's your secret she said we've never fought in 39 years of marriage i'm like what's your secret she goes he was in the navy for 37. [Laughter] i started taking notes and when me and my wife got me i didn't think we'd ever fight i was wrong i think men and women in general we just have different tempers the way we process anchors is different me personally i have an amnesia temper [Music] i'll get upset and forget why i'm mad in the same sentence i'd be like you know what [Laughter] i'm hungry it's funny because i travel when i'm on the road i like to i like to wear shorts [Music] and i go in for the free breakfast and now the other day i was in the free breakfast older lady and memphis was stalking the muffins i walked in with my shorts and she goes ooh child look at your legs you got some good-looking calves before i had a chance to say thank you she goes up top not so much like ma'am i can explain this we just had a baby three years ago i didn't have this when i was single like i can look out i see a single guys your chest is up here you stick it out because you have to stick out your chest to impress the ladies what's up girl you have no idea you'll get married someday and get a second chest and it's a little lower you don't have to stick it out it sticks out it's the benefits of marriage now i got kids of my own and i got an eight-year-old and a two-year-old a two-year-old is god's revenge for what i i think i have energy i got a two-year-old i'm 42 i've got a two-year-old and when i was in school i couldn't stand it but as a parent i absolutely love school i love everything that ends in school public school summer school sunday school i just will never send my kids to homeschool never i ain't got time for that i've become my dad because i got an argument with a friend you know he's like i like to take my kids to school instead of putting them on the bus why would you waste your own gas money i mean i know the bus isn't everybody's number one choice it's the substitute teacher of transportation bus spell backwards is sub but it gets the job done and in my state it comes to the house for free it's like a free uber it's a little clunky and it's big and when it pulls up it sounds like a spaceship it's like [Music] and the door is open and i'm waving i'm so happy because i get so much work done when they go off to school so many netflix series i get to finish watching i love september when the buses start coming through the neighborhood every parent turns into a little kid who sees the ice cream truck all the parents are standing outside i hope he stops at my house [Music] when a little kid sees ice cream truck he chases it when a parent sees a school bus he grabs a kid and he chases him please don't leave him i know he only has one shoe we'll send the rest of the clothes after gym class just take him now please i didn't come from a poor family my family was on the budget [Laughter] i knew my dad was on a budget his big thing was i won't you buy that i can build it don't you buy it i can build it it's like dad it's great i just really don't want a bike made out of wood what up guys it's gonna be a while everything was when there's no rubber tubing on my wheel it's all wood the wood's rubbing up against the concrete causing friction i get home i start crying because my bike's on fire dad's like don't you worry i'll build you a new bike out of oakwood it's a lot stronger this time but it doesn't burn as fast it took them two years to build the first one and that was my dad saying you know it's like dad where's the new bike you said you're gonna build he's like i'm working on it now that sounds like he's yelling but he's not yelling he's just happy [Laughter] i wanted to play the drums but that's like you don't need a drum set i can build you a drum set he was right i don't need one i don't need tracks or a band it's just me and it's you and yes i would prefer a crowd with rhythm but maybe i don't have that oh that's nice sometimes you just gotta work with what you got work with what you're gonna do come on quick the one that's not clapping [Applause] [Music] dancing how much time i got a minute listen 46 seconds count me down listen this is not a joke last week i wanted to spend time with my kids i went roller skating and another kid who ran into me i fell back hooked my hand i dislocated my elbow and my wrist there's a cast under here i don't care if i got one hand i was gonna come to prophet and nothing not even you sir [Applause] uh you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 158,619

Rating: 4.670886 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Joey ILO, Joey ILO Dry Bar Comedy, Joey ILO Comedy, Joey ILO Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Catholic, Catholic Mass, Christmas Mass, Catholicism, Pentacostal, church, workout, kneeling, dbc, prayer

Id: Yb2HlzGHdYU

Length: 28min 33sec (1713 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 25 2020