Dry Bar Double Feature - Alex Velluto

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the stage [Applause] thank you thanks very much thank you so much [Applause] i got these for you will you give those back to me when i'm done thanks so happy to be here thanks so much for coming i love doing stand-up it's like my favorite thing to do in life but when my friends find out that i do stand up they're always very surprised for some reason they go really you do stand up you're so reserved you always keep to yourself they describe me like how the neighbor of a murderer describes someone to the news you know how the neighbor's always very surprised it was a shy person that killed everybody like shy people are going around like i'd like to kill someone but where do you meet people oh well one day i'll work up the gumption what i noticed on the news is whenever someone goes missing they'll interview that person's friend and they'll ask their friend what is your friend like and the friend will always say something like well margaret she was the most kind and patient person that i know now if it were me and asked me what my friend was like after they went missing i would tell them what they look like i feel like it's way easier to find him that way it's gonna be hard to find margaret based on her winning personality i might see a guy dragging a lady into a van she's like help me help me i'm like whoa that's not kind or patient that can't be margaret margaret would have said help me please if you have time i don't mean to bother you i'm margaret and i'm kind and patient outside of stand up though i have a hard time talking to people i don't know what they're saying like you know that expression you can't have your cake and eat it too i didn't get it until like four months ago like i got what it meant from context like you can't have everything that you want but i always sort of thought it came from a time in history when people weren't allowed to eat their own cakes someone would say it i'd be like wow we have come a long way and cake civil rights in this country i looked it up on wikipedia expecting it to have something to do with marie antoinette when she was like let them eat cake and everyone went finally but it wasn't that it actually means you can't both possess a cake and eat it once you eat the cake it's gone i get it now but that saying is still dumb there's nobody's buying cake just to have it no one's eating cake going man this is good cake but i wish it was a cake owner also that's your problem buy a second cake people will come over and be like what's that cake for well that's just the cake that i have can i eat some oh no we don't eat the having cake we eat the eating cake and i ate it already another expression that bugs me that people say is the definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result whenever someone says that i like to pretend i didn't understand so they'll repeat it oh you think you're so smart they go the definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result like i don't get it the definition of insanity like you're crazy my real estate agent had a weird one that she said before we went looking for houses she said the house will pick you because you'll feel at home there but the first house she took me to is this dump like why would you think i feel at home here she said well you got to know what you don't want in order to know what you do want i don't know a lot about real estate but i've never picked anything else using this method my friends have never been like hey where do you want to go eat i'm like i don't know let's look in this dumpster to see what we don't want yeah there's a dirty diaper in there definitely don't want that but that makes me want chinese food now that i know what i don't want so i'm in this house i'm like well i'd rather it not have a blood stain on the carpet and she's like well i didn't know that see that's why we do this you gotta know what you don't want in order to know what you do want but i did find a house that i felt at home in and before i bought it we had to do a home inspection when they do that they have to test for meth and the level of meth where you can't live in the house anymore is one meth units i don't know how you measure meth scabs at one scab you can't live in the house anymore my house came back at point one lives ruined so it was fine but it was just enough meth to make me feel at home there i think that's what it was i walked in there and felt great i'm like man that's a fixer-upper but i've got the energy all of a sudden to fix it i've always wanted to know what that feeling was like when people go i can't wait to get home and now i'm like me too they go do you have kids i'm like no i just like rubbing up against the walls they say love turns a house into a home but i say meth makes a very good substitute i'm gonna get a sign from my doorway that says live laugh neph so cute usually after talking this long there are some of you wondering if i'm gay or not and i knew it i'm not gay i don't know what sexual orientation i am what's the one where you like girls but none of them like you back it's called lonely that's what it's called i'll tell you what not a lot of people are supportive of lonely people they're like look it can be lonely in private just don't be flamboyantly lonely in public you're bumming us out man if you're gay you get to come out of the closet but if you're lonely you stay in the closet you come out of your parents basement you come out as gay it's celebrated too people go wow you're so brave for accepting yourself but if you come out as lonely it's just sad you're like i don't know how to tell you this but i'm very lonely right now and they don't say you're brave either they say why are you talking to me i don't know you i came out as lonely to my parents though they're very supportive they're like well alex we can't say we weren't suspicious ever since your little kid we could tell that no one liked you but we love you very much gay marriage is legal now but we still live in a society where lonely people can't get married it's not right i'm going to take it to the supreme court even then i think the judges would be like yeah we can't find anyone for you we've all conferred and it's the majority opinion of this judicial body that you're kind of icky actually it's the legal term problem is i can't raise awareness for my cause i can't raise awareness for loneliness like i can't have a lonely pride parade first off i'm not proud about it at all if i did have a parade who would come this would be me alone on the street waving at nobody lonely people are discriminated against who can't get married you also can't do we can't ride in the carpool lane carpooling is discrimination against lonely people it's the jim crow of the highway carpool lane has its own symbol too there is a symbol to my oppression my friends and it is the diamond symbol that's like the swastika for lonely people it's rude they picked the diamond to remind us of the diamond on the wedding ring we'll never have to buy dating's hard when i was a young man they told me that in order to be a gentleman you had to have chivalry recently i looked up what the word chivalry means and this is true it comes from a medieval french word that means horsemanship and i read that and like you're telling me being a gentleman is based on how medieval people treated horses and we're not even talking about polite medieval people we're talking about french medieval people that also means they came up with the horse etiquette before they came up with the women etiquette by the time they got to how to treat women they're just like uh let's just carry over the horse rules and we've been using the horse rules to this day women come back from dates essentially going oh he didn't make me feel equestrian at all her friend's like you deserve to be treated like a horse cindy you're a lady you've got the ponytail in everything how much more clear can it be i want to treat women with respect but if it's based on horsemanship that seems degrading like do you know why it's polite to open doors for women it's because horses cannot do it on their own women are totally capable of opening their own doors nowadays they say it's impolite to text a girl to ask her out but according to these rules the most polite thing to do is go let's go onward posthaste trusty steeds oh and you never want to talk to a girl from the side either you might spook her whoa easy girl easy we're just going to the olive garden i'll get you a sugar cube just calm down chivalry seems degrading to women but when i ask a girl out it seems very degrading to me whenever i ask a girl i feel like i'm going hey do you want to go eat and judge my personality constantly for a few hours oh don't worry i'm paying for the whole thing and to be polite i'll treat you like a horse how does that sound also i don't get why it's the guy's job to ask the girl on a date if you were to compare the two genders why would you pick the creepier of the two to be in charge of organizing and outing between two strangers that seems like a terrible idea every time i go on a first date my main objective is nothing romantic my main goal is to just convince the girl she's not gonna end up in my trunk that's it when i get back from the date my buddies go did you kiss her i'm like no but i'm pretty sure she knows i'm not a murderer what's up yeah that's my first base because there's not a lot of difference between a date and a kidnapping plot a date is like when you make a plan you find a nice place and you invite the girl to go to that place but there's not a lot of difference between that and making a scheme scoping out a location and luring a woman to that location because here's the thing about being lured you never know you've been lured until it's too late lots of girls have been in trunks like ugh i thought i was being corded turns out i was being lured what a bummer i hope they remember that i'm kind and patient it's a lot of pressure on dates especially if i'm driving my date i've got to be very careful not to make a wrong turn and accidentally end up in a remote location then the girl looks at me with this face like this may be my last day on earth and now i've got to be like look i'm sorry i'm just a little lost i was hoping i wouldn't have to say this out loud but i'm not a serial killer i know i've got sunken in dead eyes but i'm not a sociopath i just have resting dexter face cut me some slack i am on tinder by the way just want to throw that out there what i learned about tinder is on the app store tinder is classified as a game that's the case i've been playing on single player mode there's a multiplayer option but i haven't unlocked that level yet remember when you were a little kid and you didn't want your little brother to play the video game so you'd hand them the controller but it wasn't plugged into anything that's what tinder's like for me i'm playing nothing is happening on the other end and i'm like the little brother i'm like am i doing this right and tinder's like you're doing a great job good for you buddy if you're lucky enough to not know what tinder is it's this terrible dating app or you swipe right on pictures of people that you like and you swipe left on pictures of people that you don't like if you both swipe right on each other you match now what's been happening with me is i've been matching with people i don't remember swiping right on and i think i figured out why you know how people tell you to not go to the grocery store when you're hungry i've been on tinder while i'm thirsty and you end up with those same thoughts of regret afterwards you get that match on your phone like oh man i must have been pretty desperate to think this would be good well waste not my friend told me i needed to get into dating shape and he's probably right dating is a lot like wrestling you can only date someone in your weight class that's messed up it's not fair that i have to choose between food and a relationship because a relationship has a very slim chance of making me happy but food makes me happy 100 of the time i think that's why you go to dinner on a date because you want to compare if the person in front of you is gonna make you as happy as the food you ordered if it's a bad date you're like i'm sticking with the quesadilla i'm sticking with my relationship with food you really do have a relationship with food that's why if you eat enough at one place they give you loyalty points there's commitments for instance i am loyal to papa john's he's the father of my food baby and i'm loyal to him even though i know they take like 45 minutes to deliver and in that same amount of time i can go to any sketchy street corner and there's a little caesars there going i'll do anything you want for five dollars because little caesars is the prostitute of the pizza world it is not good but hey at least it's pizza right no one in a little caesars is ever holding their head up high they all know they've messed up even the menu items sound like something a hooker would offer to you like a hot and ready that's five dollars deep dish that's eight dollars three meat treat that's 12. i don't do quality and i don't do delivery wanna party [Applause] but you gotta choose you gotta choose between food and a relationship you gotta choose that's how god intended it i know god intended it that way because he put it at the very beginning of his book first thing god told adam and eve was like look i need you to make babies but don't eat the fruit from this tree there's a lot of sugar and carbs in it and you're both naked and i don't want any fatties in my garden just stick to the unlimited salad bar i've made for you and after about two minutes adam and eve are like not worth it and they ate the fruit and then god was like alright get out of the pool get out [Laughter] i have a confession bill cosby had an adam and eve joke where at the end god says to get out of the pool but i feel like it's okay to steal bill cosby's jokes without his consent that's my policy it's my feeling that's right or even bill cosby i think that's the moral of the story of the adam and eve story is that you want to find the one person that you want to eat with for the rest of your life that's why whenever you get a wedding invitation where's the first place you put it the fridge that way that stupid smiling couple can look at you and be like we found happiness you keep rooting around in this freezer for some dating's hard not good at it i don't like arguing with people either which makes me feel very left out on the internet that's all we do on there is argue i don't argue so much that my friend called me a non-confrontational pacifist to my face and to him i said i'm not going to argue with you about that it's accurate here's how out of my way i go not to argue i was on the bus and this guy came up to me and he said gareth and i said i'm not gareth and he says no you look like gareth as if it were up for debate and my first thought was finally an argument i'm going to be able to win but then the rest of my brain was just like let's hear him out let's not jump to conclusions that's a scary thought because that means if you're persistent enough you can convince me i'm somebody else also if gareth looks anything like me he cannot be doing too well in life either i don't want to be gareth no way gareth is going home to his wife and kids like honey i got another modeling job boy it's a great day to be a gareth everything's coming up gareth don't like arguing opinions are dumb you shouldn't have them that's my opinion don't you feel like we're running out of things to argue about on the internet we're arguing again about if the earth is flat we're bringing back arguments from galileo's time which is too bad because we totally skipped over having witch trials again that would have been fun after her performance in salem massachusetts some thought adele's voice was a bit too magical after which the hashtag set fire to adele was trending and she will be burned at the stake in london everybody's so mad on the internet i think it's because all angry internet comments are left by people sitting on the toilet with their phones because if you'll notice you can read those same kinds of comments on public bathroom stalls left by people without phones public bathroom stalls are like the cave drawings of comment sections from a bygone age all racist internet comments are left by people sitting on the toilet with their phones for the same reason that every bathroom stall has a swastika on it for some reason my theory is is that you reach a certain level of constipation where you blame the jews and you're right it's not right but the sphincter the most german part of the body when it is under duress it becomes very anti-semitic when you're constipated the only thing you can think of is get out that's where racist internet comments come from every time you read they're taking all our jobs it's just some guy sitting on the toilet with his phone working off some bad mexican food that's all it is we argue a lot about political correctness some say it's gone too far i say not far enough especially in the names we still give to certain diseases like i feel like it's very offensive to people with attention deficit disorder that we thought we had to abbreviate it to add the doctor that came up with that was like look you have a disability but you're not going to be able to pay attention long enough for me to tell you what it is stop playing with my stethoscope dude focus when they came up with the name for asperger's that had to have been a joke they're like we have this disease where people have a hard time picking up on social cues what should we call it wait a minute we can name this thing anything and they'll have no idea how awkward it is when they say it get this aspergers some of you are thinking it's spelled asp not ass and you have aspergers where's your sense of fun when they came up with dyslexia that had to have been the same process but like these people have a hard time reading what should we call this thing let's make it the hardest word to read ever throw an s and an x they don't stand a chance when they read the name of their own disease they'll be like i have lyxdexia cisdexalia it'll be hilarious the way we raise money for people with disabilities is a little insensitive to me too like i saw an asthma 5k let's raise money for these people by doing the one thing they can't do that's like doing a charades tournament for the blind or co-ed boxing for domestic violence yeah i know that is offensive but now you know how the people with asthma feel real rude what we're doing to these asthmatics we're like i'm going to have a lot of fun running in this race you can't run in want to hear the playlist i'm going to listen to they've got just breathe by faith hillary take my breath away from the top gun soundtrack lots of songs by weezer my playlist is rife with irony we argue online because there are a lot of problems in the world but what gives me hope is that no matter how many problems there are in the world there's always people out there brave enough to change their profile picture to support the cause means so much to me because i'm a big fan of looking like you're helping without helping at all i wish i could change my profile picture instead of helping my friend move just change it to the uhaul logo sending positive vibes your way as you move that section off my thoughts and prayers are with you in this time of trial it feels so good to get credit for helping without helping like you know when someone drops something in front of you and you wait until they've almost picked it up before you do that courtesy lunch thing on the outside you're like let me help you but on the inside you like i have no intention of helping and if you do the pump fake of kindness right they will thank you for offering you get credit for helping and the satisfaction of tricking somebody feels so good look like you're helping without helping that's my advice if there's a kid missing in your neighborhood don't join the search party go to the candlelight vigil it's way easier candlelight vigil is the ultimate in not helping if you wanted to help find the kid you wouldn't bring a candy bring a flashlight no one's found the kid with a candle no one's shown up with a candle like oh here he is in this dimly lit corner over here glad i brought my candle would have found him faster if i brought my oil lamp i don't blame people for changing their profile picture online it's hard to know how to respond to sad things on the internet like this guy in my neighborhood wrote on facebook that he'd been diagnosed with colon cancer and i didn't know how to help him until i saw that his post was riddled with grammatical errors like i know how to help him now no i didn't really do that i just like making her feel weird i would have been tempted to do it though if he had forgotten to use a colon right can't pass that up hey man you forgot to check your colon you'd be like yeah i know oh another group on facebook that bug me are the girls that will post a picture of themselves while they're pregnant every month it's a little too accurate a depiction of what that looks like i don't like it though because they're fishing for compliments they want to get comments that are like you are glowing you're a vessel of fertility and light i'm just so tempted to write wow you look terrible who did that to you you should get a refund but i don't i correct their grammar too i go looks like you missed a period yeah that's right yeah i said it i'll say it again i'm not scared come at me pregnant ladies i'll fight you everybody's got an opinion nowadays though there are some opinions i know i don't trust like have you ever had a vegan tell you something tastes good it is a garbage opinion disregard it immediately i'm always like you don't eat bacon you don't know what you're talking about the part in your brain that processes happiness has long since died it's like you're blind but in your mouth that's like getting music suggestions from a deaf friend and i know that's rude to deaf people to compare them to vegans but i don't care i'll talk all the smack i want about vegans too they're too weak to fight me what's up did you get your protein from lentils scary are there any pregnant vegan ladies here i'll find them right now other than that i'm a non-confrontational pacifist healthy people have terrible opinions like i drink almost exclusively diet coke and all my healthy friends go you should drink more water because diet coke is unhealthy for you that is what big water wants you to think that is propaganda from the big water corporations you know my problem with water is it's flat and it has no diet coke in it it's a garbage drink hate it so much people go how can you hate water your body is 70 water that's the exact amount of myself that i hate it's not a coincidence i hate swimming in water too because when i swim i have to take my shirt off and when it comes to my body i like to keep things very vague but when i swim everything is all wet and shiny and specific no good for anybody i just want to wear baggy clothes and i want when people to look at me to say well he might have some sort of torso under there but you may never know swimming is so dumb do you know this about swimming when you go under the water you can't breathe swimming's the only sport where if you stop playing the sport the sport will kill you if i'm playing basketball and don't get back on defense i don't get a harpoon to the neck that's why swimming is very creepy to me because water is going hey how about you take your clothes off and i'll choke you a little bit no no no no no no no no no no no no hard pass water diet coke never asked me to do that you kinky freak not a healthy person i love food so much i'm italian so italian food is my favorite and i'll tell you how good italian food is italian food is so good it makes you forget all the terrible stuff italy has done in history for instance when italy was known as ancient rome they killed jesus and then i bring that up it gets very uncomfortable don't worry about jesus dying by the way i hear it didn't take it's the word on the street he slept it off or something he's fine then later this other italian guy named mussolini teamed up with hitler and they started world war ii hitler by the way did not like jews because there had been a little mix em up about the who killed jesus thing and the whole time the italians were like play to cool don't tell him it was us hillary very mad but you forget about all that because that's how good italian food is you can kill the son of god and be with hitler but still when anyone brings up italy you're like man i could go for some raviolis right now in the meantime whenever you bring up germany i always think ah those nazis but they came up with the hamburger and the hot dog which are good but not good enough to make you forget all their nazi stuff but after world war ii the world was like italy how could you do that and italy went we made lasagna you're forgiven you're forgiven forever italy which makes me think if hitler had written a cookbook called mind comfort foods maybe we think differently about them of another historical joke last one i found out that they've discovered 118 pyramids in egypt and i was wondering how there got to be so many and i figured some guy must have gone up to his friend and was like okay if you build two pyramids and those two people built two parents and those two people built two pyramids cern is like i don't know dude seems like a scheme to me but whatever you say pharaoh ponzi tell you one last thing about me i have a 14 year old little brother he is black he is adopted i hope and sometimes though i'll forget other people around me don't know he's my little brother and like when he was little i had to yell at him sometimes to get him to behave in public not realizing it just looked like i was chastising a random black child be in the grocery store be like hey buddy you got to pay for that you can't steal it yeah didn't look good especially to the other black people in the store and i couldn't explain to them that he's my brother because they'll just think i meant he's my brother and that doesn't help the situation at all not i don't get though sometimes i'll introduce him to other people as my brother and then they'll be like is he adopted i don't get the whispering you don't think he's had any questions by now if he hasn't had any questions by now there's something else we should be whispering about but i always play along i'm like skip it down he hasn't noticed and then i've taught my little brother to be like noticed what yeah whispering that's one way you know white people are about to be racist a lot of clues i know all of them one of my favorites is when someone is talking to you and then they stop and do this thing the over-the-shoulder minority check some of you are doing it right now just in case what i'm about to say is racist you can't help it either it's a white person reflex they could test it at the doctor with the other reflexes like they do the hammer on the knee the doctor says a slur you're like like you're fine i mean you're racist but your neck is okay my personal favorite way of telling someone is about to be racist is when they go look i don't mean to be racist here we go that's like when someone goes needless to say but then they say the thing that they just said didn't need to be said if you say needless to say it should be followed by silence and i feel the same rule should apply to i don't mean to be racist now with all that being said i don't mean to be racist but i do have a story i was playing catchphrase with some friends and if you don't know catchphrase is this game with an electronic buzzer and it's got a word on it and you got to get the people on your team to guess the word without saying it i'm very good at this game because i have older parents and catchphrases just like when your older parent is talking to you and then they forget what they're about to say and now you have to guess based on their very vague clues i'm super good at this game i play it all the time but i'm playing with like my sheltered utah friends so the only things they know about in life are like star wars harry potter and jesus and they think at least two of those things are real so they shouldn't be playing because you need like actual world knowledge to play catchphrase but the girl next to me gets the buzzer and i kind of peek over cause she's not on my team and i see that the word she has to get everyone to guess is anne frank and i see on her face that she has no idea who that is and what she says to get everyone to guess anne frank is i think she was black even with all my old parent experience i was not expecting that and i laughed way too much mostly because everyone else kept guessing oprah over and over again because that's the only black lady that utah people know about so when the buzzer sounded she was like who is anne frank and i've been laughing so much that everyone just looked at me to explain and i'm like she was a girl that wrote a diary during the holocaust i'm very sorry for laughing maybe you got her confused with rosa parks and she's like who's rosa parks and i'm like i think she was jewish i don't know anyway i tell that story to my little brother and we laugh about it a lot and then a few weeks later i'm visiting my parents house and my little brother is there playing video games with a friend and he tells his friend a helen keller joke he's going through that phase in life you know and his friend is like who's helen keller and my little brother looks at me and winks and goes i think she was black and i was like well to helen keller everyone is black because i'm going through that phase in life too thank you all very much [Applause] hello thank you very much if you actually knew me you'd know that is too much you guys my name's alex and this is my real voice and i'm very sorry you're gonna have to listen to me for a while a lot of people think i'm gay i'm not does that surprise you surprises a lot of people i'm not gay i don't know what sexual orientation i am actually what's the one where you like girls but none of them like you back [Applause] it's called lonely that's what it's called let me tell you what not a lot of people are supportive of lonely people they're like look you could be lonely in private just don't be flamboyantly lonely in public i'm just bumming all of us out if you're gay though you're gonna come out of the closet but if you're lonely mostly just stay in the closet you know sometimes you come out of your parents basement and that's fun when you come out as gay it's celebrated two people go wow you are so brave for accepting yourself but if you come out as lonely it's just sad just like i just want to let you know i'm very lonely right now people don't say you're brave either they say why are you talking to me i don't know who you are i came out as lonely to my parents though they were very supportive they're like well alex we can't say we weren't suspicious ever since your little kid we could tell that no one liked you but we love you very much gay marriage is legal now but we still live in a society where lonely people can't get married right yeah no marriage equality for me yet but i'm taking it to the supreme court that is correct even then i think the justices would be like yeah we can't find anyone for you we've actually conferred and it's the majority opinion of this judicial body that you're kind of icky actually lonely people are discriminated against and it's hard cause i can't raise awareness for loneliness like i can't have a lonely pride parade first off i'm not proud about it at all and if i did have a parade who would come it would just be me alone on the street waving at nobody maybe throwing candy at some random bystanders like why are they throwing candy at me don't like this parade we're discriminated against we can't get married you know lonely people can't do we can't ride in the carpool lane yeah carpooling is discrimination against lonely people it's the jim crow of the highway carpool lane has its own symbol too there is a symbol to my oppression my friends and it is the diamond symbol it's like the swastika for lonely people it's rude they picked the diamond to remind us of the diamond on the wedding ring we'll never have to buy that's why they did that lots of people are discriminated against so i think especially in the names that we give to certain diseases like don't you think it's a little offensive to people with attention deficit disorder that we thought we had to abbreviate it to add like the doctor that came up with it was probably like look you have a disability but you're not even gonna be able to pay attention long enough for me to tell you what it is could you please stop playing with my stethoscope like try and pay attention man the people that came up with asperger's had to have been choking right these guys are like hey these people have a hard time picking up on social cues what should we call this disease the other guy was like wait a minute you mean to tell me we can name this thing anything we want and when they say the name they'll have no idea of knowing how awkward it is get this ass burgers [Laughter] dyslexia was the same process they were like these people have a hard time reading what should we call this this guy's like let's make it the hardest word to read ever have an s and an x they don't stand a chance when they try and read the name of their own disease they'll be like oh i have lystexia it'll be hilarious i think the way we raise money for people with disabilities is a little weird too sometimes like i saw an asthma 5k yeah let's raise money for these people by doing the one thing they can't do that's like doing a charades tournament for the blind or co-ed boxing for domestic violence yeah that is offensive now you know how the people with asthma feel it's really mean-spirited what we're doing to them we're basically going yeah i'm gonna have a lot of fun running in this race you can't run in want to hear the playlist i'm going to listen to i've got just breathe by faith hill take my breath away from the top gun soundtrack lots of songs by weezer my playlist is rife with irony weird ways we discriminate against people with disabilities like i was on the bus and they have these seats on the bus that say please yield these seats to handicap people but then they have the translation of that sign in braille for the blind people not necessary because here's the message we're sending to blind people with this we're like look you may be blind but you're not that handicap okay stop being so dramatic what if someone comes along that's more handicapped than you can't you see that i saw a fire extinguisher with the instructions in braille let's analyze this scenario shall we we're saying to a blind person if the building should happen to go up in flames you are not off the hook for the whole rescue effort we expect you being blind to maneuver your way through the flames locate the fire extinguisher but read the instructions first and then put out the fire how's that supposed to work they gotta be like okay aim extinguisher at base of flame all right base of flame base of flame yeah it seems hotter over here yeah i got it i think i got it i am single all my friends are married though i can tell that my friends are married because they will immediately change their relationship status to married on facebook on their wedding night what are you doing on facebook on your wedding night this is your wedding night even i the lonely one know what you're supposed to be doing right now and these are all my religious friends too so i know they've been waiting for this night what is the hold up things are just going look i don't want to do anything unless we're married in front of the sight of god and mark zuckerberg okay [Laughter] i promise in the future the whole wedding ceremony will just be on facebook like the minister will write do you take each other to be man and wife husband will just like the status wife or write hashtag bless minister alright and now pronouncing man and wife you may now create one of those creepy joint accounts where no one knows who's talking right it's all a plot it goes let's eliminate those i don't know how to respond to certain things people write on facebook like especially if they're really sad like there's this guy in my neighborhood that wrote on facebook that he'd been diagnosed with colon cancer i didn't know how to respond so what i decided what would be best for me to do would be to correct his grammar you know just how i'd like to help he's like hey man it's not you are cancer it's your cancer your contraction was unnecessary it didn't really do that i'd be tempted to do it if he had forgotten to use a colon like how can you pass that up that'd be too good an opportunity to pass up and be like hey man you forgot to check your calling he'd be like yeah i know moral of the story check your colons the times to check your colon are colon if you're over 45 or starting a list in a sentence oh good you went to english class good for you another group on facebook that bugged me are the girls that will take a picture of themselves while they're pregnant every month this is a little too accurate a depiction of what it looks like but they're just fishing for compliments they want all those comments that are like you are glowing you are a vessel of fertility and light i just want to write wow you look terrible who did that to you you should get a refund but i don't i correct their grammar too i go looks like you missed a period yeah that's right yeah i said it yeah i said it i don't care again come at me pregnant ladies i will fight you i just had this friend that posted a picture of her newborn baby on facebook she wrote welcome to the world our little miracle look i'm happy you had a baby but miracle let's not blow this out of proportion miracle is too strong a word everyone on earth was made the same way you are not breaking any new ground here your little miracle is happening all of the time sometimes by accident yeah no other miracle is done by accident sometimes moses didn't part the red sea because he got drunk the night before woke up the next day like what did i do last night uh oh did i lead all the israelites through the red sea on dry crown i need to stop drinking i think i was talking to a burning bush or something they'll post pictures of their newborn babies on facebook and here's the thing about newborn babies they look disgusting right and it's not the baby's fault to be fair that baby just went through something horrific if these babies knew her taking their picture this early they would be ticked off they'd be like why are you taking my picture did you see where i just came from that is a tight squeeze give me a minute to adjust to oxygen it was bonkers in there because here's the truth provo things you have recently squeezed out of your body are not even supposed to be cute right we don't take pictures of anything else we've recently squeezed out of our body after i take a dump i'm not like it's here [Music] a five pound two ounce miracle and it was a miracle five pounds are you kidding i don't look good in pictures either pictures cameras make me look worse than i actually am i think like when i look in the mirror i know what to expect when i look in the mirror my reaction is just like okay but when i see a photo of myself my reactions like what did i do to that camera to make it so angry at me like i did one of those how old is your face quizzes on the internet and i uploaded one of my photos and the computer said error face not found cameras hate me i uh whenever i see one of those clickbait articles that are like seven photos jennifer lawrence doesn't want you to see i think she only has seven photos she doesn't want us to see i don't want you to see any of my photos sometimes i'll forget that the front-facing camera is on on my phone and i've turned it on and i've dropped my phone i don't like my picture taken and i know other people complain about being unphotogenic they'll be like well the camera adds 10 pounds for me to those people i say you're lucky that's all the camera does to you for me the camera adds 10 pounds it takes away the next five years of my hair makes it look like i just committed a school shooting yeah every photo for me is a mug shot if i ever went into a gun store i think they'd just be like no no way don't sell to your kind and don't get me wrong i know what i'm i look like i'm not in denial at all like i know that i look like every character in a dr seuss book i know take a look start to see it in high school in the newspaper they published that my celebrity lookalike was the grinch my face will get me nowhere in politics but if i ever run for mayor of whoville i'm a shoeing know what i look like i'm going bald and i still have acne didn't think those two things would happen at the same time in my life i thought acne and baldness would be separated by years of a golden age but instead i feel like i'm in the middle of this disgusting venn diagram where this is puberty this is old age and i'm in the middle labeled black sometimes it's a literal venn diagram and i'll get a zit right where my hairline ends i'm getting one right now [Laughter] and the people at home will enjoy all of this in full hd it'll be great i see a lot of dates happening good for you for locking that down i'm proud of you i am not good at dating i'm trying to get better i know a lot of dating is based on chivalry so i looked up what the word chivalry means this is true it comes from an old french word that means horsemanship it means horsemanship as in the ability to work with a don't think that's how the ladies want to be treated right never heard of a woman coming back from a date like he didn't treat me like a horse at all and i deserve to be treated like a horse because i am a lady i've got the ponytail and everything it helps keep the slides off my neck do you know why it's polite to open doors for girls it's because horses are terrible at it have you seen a horse they can't do it they can't open a door that's why they make that noise they're frustrated and they say it's impolite to text a girl to ask her out but technically the most polite thing to do is go let's go giddy up onward post taste trusty steed and you never want to talk to a girl from the side either you might spook her you know whoa easy girl easy we are just going to the olive garden we are just shh i'll get you a sugar cube just calm down is weird to me it's weird to me that we picked dating as the way we choose who we want to marry there's a lot of ways we choose things but we chose dating we could have chosen anything like we could have chosen like an essay contest or talent show some sort of like march madness style bracket system who came up with dating who's the first guy to go up to a girl and be like excuse me would you like to go on an awkward outing for a few hours where you judge me constantly and don't worry i'm paying for the whole thing and to be polite i'll treat you like a horse doesn't make sense i don't understand how the activities we do when we go dating help us pick who we want to marry like you want to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone so you take them bowling how is this helping i've never been bowling on a date and seen her ball fade left down the lane be like yeah she's going to cheat on me i can tell bowling is not a skill you need when you're married based on my parents marriage the most important skill to have in a marriage is to be able to find the keys their whole marriage has been 30 years of hey have you seen my keys i can't find my case we had a pair of keys missing for like three years and when we found them we all went to dinner to celebrate so in my head the ideal date would just be to invite a girl over to look for my keys and if she can find him i know she's the one so romantic those of you who are not on a date right now i thank you for taking a break from netflix to come join us good for you remember the time before netflix existed remember that remember having goals for your life before netflix i remember writing down lists of goals now i just have a list of movies that i need to watch like before netflix i wanted to get in shape and run a marathon now i just got five documentaries about marathons in my queue watch them all in a row so i can say i did a marathon movie marathon it's really fun i was actually watching one of those documentaries about the marathon here's a fun fact did you know that we run the marathon because in ancient greece after the battle of marathon there was this guy named fedipides that ran from the city of marathon to athens to deliver a message and when he got there he died he's the only guy in his race and he still somehow managed to lose which the greeks found hilarious for some reason so now we just recreate that guy's death as a sport seems insensitive this was one of their soldiers but they didn't feel bad about it they're like he died how vardy run 26 miles i could run that far without dying fedipides was a fat load [Music] they ran the marathon in the first olympics they couldn't wait to start making fun of this guy they probably had the finish line at his grave so they could yell insults as they crossed like you couldn't run this far for dippa please did anyone here run a marathon by chance cool not impressed because now i know you were just making fun of a 2000 year old fat greek guy nowadays that's called fat shaming you're not an athlete you're a bully that's what you are shame on you you trained for your marathon for a long time right yeah fidippity's didn't train they just told him to deliver the message and he put down his euro and his baklava and his falafel he left his greek salad untouched obviously and he started running some of you are wondering why this marathon joke is so long and it's because i like to make it like a marathon or you kind of get tired in the middle it's known as hitting the wall but if you push through it's worth it so here's the message fidipides was delivering he uh the message was that they had won the battle of marathon he got there they opened the note it said we won and then they looked at me like well he lost but that you know why that's sad right like that's not an urgent message that didn't need to be sent rush delivery like that's not a message like hey the british are coming you know could have walked also i want to point out at this time in history the horse had been invented didn't need to run at all turns out paul revere had the right idea they're probably like hey paul run and tell everyone the british are coming and he's like no dude i'm going to have to borrow your horse but don't worry i'll be polite to the horse i'll open doors for the horse tell everyone the british are coming and then we'll go to the olive garden just want to make you aware that you've now completed the marathon joke marathon congratulations i will say that kenyan audiences tend to get it a little bit faster but it's true watch one they always win well i'm glad you liked those history jokes because i got a whole mess of thomas jefferson stuff coming right up any tj fans in the audience yeah if you don't know him he was our third president you may know him from mount rushmore and the nickel may also know him from his earlier work when he wrote the declaration of independence which a lot of people view as a great political document but i think of it as the greatest breakup text of all time i think when tom thomas jefferson wrote the declaration of independence he was just reusing lines he'd used on girls he dumped like look when in the course of human events it becomes necessary to dissolve our romantic bands and assume among the powers of earth the separate and equal station to which i am entitled and you're fat and i never liked your mother we hold these truths to be self-evident tiffany that all men are created equal and have been given certain unalienable rights such as life liberty and the pursuit of other relationships you could have been bad at breaking up though like can you imagine breaking up with someone by handing them a letter that 55 of your friends signed weak you know my friends wrote this letter because they said you're mean to me friend john hancock especially wants us to break up you can tell by how big he signed it said he'd call you later look i love america but i gotta sympathize with england a little bit because can you imagine how much it would suck to have your ex celebrate the day you broke up every year with fireworks and a barbecue i mean that's mean i'd hate it if my ex did that like yeah remember how much alex sucked it's been a year party at my place we are blowing crap up [Applause] i got one more historical joke i learned that they've discovered 118 pyramids in egypt and i was wondering how there got to be so many and i figured some guy went up to his friend was like okay man if you build two pyramids and those two people built two pyramids and those two people built two pyramids like i don't know dude seems like a scheme to me but whatever you say pharaoh ponzi [Applause] [Music] you guys are probably all in one sorry for all the history jokes probably felt like school for you people i went to school i went to the university of utah how do you like that yeah i don't like them either i don't like them i owe too much money to them still to be a fan all my friends are like you should cheer for the football team i'm like i don't cheer for people i'm in debt to i'm not rooting for visa either their commercial comes out i'm not like yeah go visa mastercard sucks my debt's with you visa i also think it's sort of dumb to base your school spirit on your sports team like you think yeah you can tell follow sports because i called them a sports team but the attitude's like hey man yeah if all the dumbest people at my school can beat all the dumbest people at your school that means i got a better education [Applause] but i'm glad i went to the u so i could learn all about business on a multiple choice level it helped me out so much in the real world because you know how at your job you don't have to actually know anything they just give you four options of things to do and you pick one and you usually get it right like 63 percent of the time and you have to use a process of elimination don't you love process of elimination at your job your boss is like hey i'm gonna need those quarter four reports which of the following is not a part of that process is it a getting the numbers from accounting b putting together a powerpoint or c harassing karen at the front desk i mean like i know which one it isn't it's uh it's a b because powerpoint is woman's work isn't that right karen your boss is like well that's incorrect but you got it right 63 of the time so we'll keep you on i would study for all the tests and not enough to actually learn anything just enough so i could pick out the right answer from a police lineup and i took the test and just forgot all of it but at my job now i just google everything if i don't know it like i think if you go on a college campus the day of finals you can hear this hissing noise of everyone's knowledge just leaving their head at the same time medical students are probably leaving tests like where's the kidney doesn't matter i'll google it your doctor has multiple choice knowledge that's why whenever you go to the doctor your doctor is always like well it could be one of three things i had a doctor she googled something right in front of me i was like is the pain i'm feeling a side effect of my medication she's like i don't know let's google it it wasn't even a medical website had all those clickbait ads on it like i was expecting to go well i don't know where your pain is coming from but i know how you can lose weight with this one weird trick i decided to major in business because i like watching tv late at night and there reaches a certain point of night where every commercial is either for a singles line or a technical school they just assume that i'm lonely and uneducated which was true but i didn't like them assuming it about me i especially liked the ad for stephen henniger college because in that ad they made it seem like all you needed to know about business was how to point at a chart and smile and as a person on my couch at 2am like i think i could do that actually my first job out of college this is true was at stevens-henager college i had to go to four years of real school to work at a fake one yeah that's right steven senegar and my job was making charts i didn't get to point at the charts so tonight if you'll allow me i want to live out my dream and point at some charts all right there's another comedian that points at charts his name's dimitri martin what was that is that i think they were hypnotized at some point in the past and their trigger word for some reason is dimitri martin and then when you say dimitri martin they turn into a chicken so this chart shows how the longer i point at charts the more i'm ripping off dimitri martin now i make charts for a living and these charts are all just charts about other charts so i hope after i've explained slash justified myself i will go down to what i'm calling an acceptable level of joke theft that's me now when you're making charts it's important to know which kind of chart to use for example this is a bar graph about how much pi i ate and i feel like there's a better way to represent this data this chart shows how much of this pie chart is a lime grass that much this is pac-man now pac-man looks like a pie chart but if you want to graph how much pac-man looks like a pie chart don't use a pie chart i'll explain these are charts about how much a pie chart looks like pac-man now this looks 50 like pac-man 65 like pac-man now when you get to about 75 he looks exactly like pac-man so remember these are just charts about how much a pie chart looks like pac-man so if he try and keep up if he looks exactly like pac-man then you have to fill the whole thing in right so if you want to graph how much a pie chart looks like pac-man this is the actual way you reach a maximum level of pac-man and then it goes down this is the pac-man paradox yeah we're learning together we're learning together this is a chart about how much the last chart looks like a hill remains constant over time this is a chart about how much the last chart about the chart before it looks like a hill not at all so we have another problem because this chart looks like a hill except for the axis so if you want to graph how much it looks like a hill you get pac-man again which this is how much doesn't look like a hill and how much that does so in conclusion the double derivative of pac-man is a hill and the double derivative of a hill is pacman thank you for appreciating my discovery this is like goodwill hunting all right uh my sister came home and she was asking she's learning about improper fractions but she came home and asked me what's an indecent fraction and i said it's a fraction that goes around naked all the time and that's what that looks like i blurred out the naughty bits because this is a family show so these are some other fractions that i taught my sister this is an irrelevant fraction vhs over facts no one uses that stuff anymore this is an immature fraction poop over farts obviously equal sharts it's a very immature joke this is actually the lowest common [Laughter] denominator now this one's a little more complicated this is infinity over p so there's a lot of uncontrollable p happening thereby an incontinent fraction this is an imperceptible fraction i don't know if you can see that it's hard to see whenever people talk about gun control they talk about how the gun attack rate in australia went down after they banned guns but what they don't tell you is how much the boomerang attack increased this is a chart i made about the rate of boomerang attacks as you can see it goes down but as boomerangs are known to do it comes back [Applause] boomerang attacks are very tragic because every boomerang attack is a murder-suicide and i just throw it out but it comes right back i had one more boomerang joke i can't remember hoping it comes back to me yeah that's right three of the same boomerang joke in a row because when you joke about boomerangs the same joke comes back the last one this is a chart about obesity in america it was a pie chart but we ate it i went to the bathroom today thank you two applause breaks in a row stop it was one of those automatic toilets and i remember when those first came out i didn't know how they worked like i just stood up and it flushed and i had no idea how it happened and i sort of thought there was just some guy looking through a camera in india flushing toilets all day long while taking tech support calls what's worse is when the automatic flush doesn't work cause then you gotta do that dance to try and get it to work gotta drop it like it's hot a few times just picture that guy in india going oh keep dancing my friend this is my favorite part of the job you must twerk to get it to work i went to the grocery store and they have the into the grocery store and they have the rubber divider stick at the grocery store which i like these guys are still laughing from the previous joke good for you good job good job every one of you should be like these people i went to the grocery store and they have the rubber divider stick at the grocery store which i like because to this day i've never seen anyone breach the boundary of the rubber divider stick millions of people come into the country illegally but the rubber divider stick is the law trump wants to build a wall but i don't think that's how you should do it i think you should just put down one rubber divider stick at the border and when people come like oh we've got to go back it'll be a magnificent rubber divider stick it'll be great it'll be fantastic it'll be so good everyone will say so we'll put down one rubber divider stick and make mexico pay for it they will because it's so cheap solving problems here people i'm trying to get in shape i've actually lost 20 pounds recently thank you i lost the weight because last year i got fat shamed by a skydiving company i went skydiving and before i went they weighed me and they're like well you fall into our second tier which means you have to pay 50 extra dollars to fall out of an airplane so i paid an obesity surcharge i don't know why i had to pay i guess because of all the extra gravity i was using or something i wanted to be like excuse me will i plummet from the plane as much as my self-confidence has just now because that was a real thrill can my tandem instructor insult me on the way down too it'll be like i'm falling twice as fast they might as well have gone do you even want a parachute you look lonely i'd be like well do i have to pay the fat tax you go no but there's a cleanup fee sorry about my hypothetical death then they had the nerve to ask if i wanted to spend 150 extra dollars for pictures of my enormous body falling towards the earth which didn't seem like a great sales pitch they're like yeah we use a gopro camera it has a fisheye lens it makes you look even fatter still not interested how about we put a skinny hippie on your back just for comparison so i was up in the plane and my confidence is shot but now i've got to jump out of an airplane and i was worried i wouldn't be brave enough to do it turns out i didn't have to worry because whole foods yoda on my back just jumped for me it's like jumped out of the plane we must and we jumped and it really was amazing but for a minute i forgot how fat i was until we started passing everyone else that it jumped out of the plane before me i hit rock bottom the same time i hit terminal velocity i think it's good to get fat shamed like that though sometimes like i think that's how he could help with childhood obesity here's my idea i think mcdonald's should make the play place into a giant model of the human heart that way when the fat kid gets stuck in the aorta slide he'll know what he has to look forward to later in life it'll be good for him he'll have an epiphany in there be like yeah i gotta change some things cancel those nuggets mom i'm all stuck up in here i'm trying to get in shape but i don't want to turn into one of those annoying gym people i have this friend that's like yeah man i go to the gym religiously i'm like oh do you cause i'm a gym atheist actually respect my beliefs i used to believe in the gym but then i thought if the gym were real why is there so much pain and suffering at the gym just don't know like i'd be in the gym in pain going if you were a merciful jim you could have prevented this and i grew up going to the gym religiously it's just how my parents raised me and it was hard breaking it to them that i'd become a gymnastist they still made me talk to those two guys with white shirts that come on the stationary bikes you know these guys like do you have a couple minutes we can share a brief message about our personal trainer jesus i'm like no thanks loved the musical though fellas congrats i used to be into the gym like i don't mean to brag or anything but i used to be able to do the shake weight and the thigh master at the same time now what's up ladies they don't even have that equipment at the gym i brought it from home i was devout i really did grow up going to the gym religiously my dad is a former professional bodybuilder and he tries to teach me weightlifting and i'm hopeless because whenever i'm trying to work out a certain part of my body i'll miss like i'll be doing bicep curls and somehow my neck is lifting it like i knew you couldn't miss in basketball i didn't know you could miss it weight lifting like i tried to do bench press which is supposed to be for your chest and arms but for some reason my butt was like don't worry bro i'll lift it no but don't it's not your turn it's like too late already did it i'm like how did you do that i'll be doing squats and all of a sudden my calling is like it's my time to shine like no colin dope my dad's like are you feeling the burn i'm like not how you think i'm supposed to be doing all the equipment at the gym just recreates stuff you do in real life anyway right like the rowing machine is rowing stationary bike is cycling and the treadmill recreates the experience of not being able to keep up with the sidewalk actually if there's a girl working out in front of me while i'm on the treadmill it's a perfect metaphor for my dating life because i'm expending all this energy and not getting any closer and i'm always sweaty i've been trying to run out on the street more but i think i'm gonna start running in jeans because when i run in shorts and i have to stop and walk i feel like people are judging me they know what happened they're thinking well he meant to exercise clearly wasn't ready for his rigorous workout if you're walking in shorts it's always a sad story if you're running in jeans it's an interesting story people look at you running in jeans they're like is he being chased by someone cuz yeah i don't see the guy chasing him anywhere good for him he's in shape so i i'm trying to run that's my thing and i have this app on my phone that will play a song based on my running pace which is how i found out i run at a celine dion speed and it's really bad and i can't even keep up with saleem i'm like on the edge of the street like i'm sorry celine i'm not going near far or wherever you are and i don't know if my heart will go on honestly so now i run at an enya speed because if i have to walk i'm just like who can say where the road goes where the day flows only time i have fun i have fun with my phone here's a story of how much fun i had with my phone uh i was at at church and at my church we have this bulletin board that's just meant for church stuff like but there's this guy that was advertising his dj business on the church bulletin board so i decided to text him and mess with his head look i figured jesus doesn't like it if you try and sell stuff at church so i asked myself what would jesus do i'm a good christian normally when you ask yourself what would jesus do it just means you can't do something fun but this was very fun so i want to read the conversation i had with the bulletin board dj uh my first text said i heard you do djing i'm planning on having a funeral do you do funerals he writes what specifically are you looking for are you just wanting music to be played after or is this during i wrote during and after my friend is a big fan of korean pop music and we can play it during internment he writes back so this will just be background music you're wanting played i'm sorry i've never done a funeral before lol right lol i wrote not background music you'll be the main focus they'll just be burying him in the background that way it'll be less sad can i ask if you have a fog machine and or lasers he writes back yes i have both fog machines and lasers he writes where would this be located i said the state street cemetery i'm not sure when though you know how leukemia is lol yeah that should have been his reaction that should have been his reaction but instead he writes me back lasers won't do you any good outside unless it's night that's what he was worried about very practical this one so i wrote ooh good call we'll do a nighttime spooky funeral also is your deposit refundable just in case he beats this leukemia stuff lol he writes the deposit reserves a date since he is still living and you don't have a date yet i won't take a deposit until he has passed on contact me when you have a funeral date and we can discuss details further his only hang up with my plan is that the friend i made up isn't dead yet so i write okay that's reasonable i'll call you as soon as he passes he writes okay sounds good also if you need any other dj services or know anyone who does let me know so i said well i guess i'll ask the other people in the cancer ward thank you very much everybody local man robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now and the later they sent them to the bank should be going mom [Music] mom [Music]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 150,427

Rating: 4.7623091 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Alex Velluto, Alex Velluto Dry Bar Comedy, Alex Velluto Comedy, Alex Velluto Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Dry Bar Double Feature, Chivalry, horsmanship, equestrian, coming out as single, dbc, funny

Id: zqtie0-BBj4

Length: 89min 43sec (5383 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 01 2021