Don’t Try To Make Your Lame Job Sound Cool. Cash Levy - Full Special

that's great how long you been unemployed best five years young kids here tonight anybody anybody with some drug problems anybody don't do drugs kids to do drugs son he can tell me he doesn't hear so well Badgers are notoriously bad at hearing things yeah ever do you have advice to get a vice beside shorts on a 32 degree night give me other advices you don't have any kind of Vice that's good don't do drugs young people should not do drugs you have too much to lose it's old people that should try them I'm 97 I'm gonna be dropping acid every day I get used to this I love it when people say that people that say that are always really drunk at a hotel pool at 10:00 a.m. on a Tuesday they're gonna get used to this it's like you know what seems like you really kind of have gotten used to that maybe a little too used to it you know you've never gotten used to a job we have people that work here this evening anybody work yeah what do we got back here sir right there what do you do for a living sir a manager of a B a BYU copy center okay yeah that's unfortunate yeah you were about to applaud the copy center but yeah we made copies that guy's not from here eight years we don't care copies that's great man is that a dream years growing up being a copy guy pretty much [Applause] like I said earlier how lower your expectations this man was applauding the survival of the fight sir what about being a rock star did you consider that I mean I think I think every moment you can't be a rock star when you realize that your life is just a series of compromises I mean nobody's nobody's ever said dude the other night we partied like coffee makers so did you take one of those machines home with you sir no okay and do you miss it you do just the smell of the ink in the morning or the fact that gets jammed up every time and you're the only guy that can fix it the entire universe I hate copy machines you are a different breed man you're a breed apart what do you miss about it sir all the kids you worked with oh that's touching I can't make fun of that I look like a total jerk the guys love children in the comedian just lay it into him all right I'm gonna let you off the hook sir you got a copy guy there how about you sir what do you do for a living your sales guy you're not gonna near that down for me at all I appreciate it that's the thing these days nobody really says what they do for a living in this day and age they try to confuse you with their job descriptions don't think the track you make it sound very convoluted right yeah big picture I set up an echo friendly infrastructure synchronizing synthesizing synergizing companies and their subsidiaries creating a bilateral platform or go-between for symbiotic product placement or constraining a transmutation which allows a win went to the client that kind of spins it off another co [ __ ] more relationships for their clients [Applause] [Music] that's great how long you been unemployed best five years sales you're not gonna tell us what you sell use kind of go door-to-door II just could do you need something and they gotta find it for you and friends with a badger what do you what do you what do you say you so what raw materials okay starting to get more of a picture though what this guy's referring to right and again this is what people do they make their job sound better than it is you know these people I had a car wash now it you own a hose I'm a ballerina you dance at a strip bar I'm an import-export you so marijuana tie school kids I sell raw materials you sell marijuana tie school codes I love this part of the country because you guys are so real here you know I live in Los Angeles people are much more self-absorbed there I ran into somebody the other day I hadn't seen for years I said hey man how have you been and apparently what he heard me say was hey man brag about your career for an hour all right he started dropping names showing me pictures of celebrities he had seen and wonder if people have been doing this for thousands of years I wonder if somebody 2,000 years ago is like YouTube guess who I saw at the winemaking seminar the other day Jesus yeah he's much smaller in real life yeah check out the mural yeah that's me right nice to be back in your lovely metropolis people are friendly here yeah when our plane landed everybody clapped is that normal in this part of the country how lower your expectations for you were applauding your own survival they were like yeah we did it even the captain was friendly he's like have a nice trip chief called me chief yeah I don't think I've earned that distinction I said please please call me Littlefoot I call everybody animal cuz I can't remember anybody's names you know I was at a party recently I forgot this guy's wife's name I tried to play it off you ever do that like hey man where's your better half where is your significant other where's your lovely kimosabe where's your sexual cohort he's like you don't remember my wife's name do you Mike I don't remember your name hard to remember people's wives names especially in Utah Wow [Applause] you don't know what to say you're like hey man where's your better 2/3 so I just call everybody animal they'll picture the animal they want to picture and so on they'll picture like a dolphin or a mermaid I'll picture like a sea barnacle here an animal sir I can tell what can an emoji be what a cougar that's that's usually an answer a girl might give it's kind of a weird front row guy right here he's got us it's got a shorts on it's his birthday I'll handle this sir so you kind of get ahead of yourself right now and you're proud it happened another year but yeah first of all he's wearing shorts so thanks for dressing up for the show appreciate it so Connie it's Friday night it's my birthday get me my fancy shorts maybe one on a hanger yep break the glass how did you know it was his birthday is this did he talk to you about it before the show or what oh he's your son okay well then you should know yeah that's good that's good what did you think of him as a cougar I certainly hope not what did you think of a mess he's looking at it's like yeah it's getting a little way I'd say bear last week how come you had to look at him you haven't seen him in a while he's really grown up look at his legs uh hairier than I remember I would say bear what kind of bear would he be you looked at him again I'd say grizzly he's got an extra big you could say he'd be a grizzly bear okay wow that's a that's the most ferocious bear of all you have a lot of confidence in your son on his birthday okay an emoji beam in a badger yeah that's not what I expected surprised me there most people go with lions or Eagles it's like badger animal that no one really respects much but if my male son which is what he'll sons our sons are usually male if he's gonna be a cougar I'll be a badger I'm gonna let him off the hook he's the one in the shorts in the middle of the show it's gonna be a badger Utah give me the jokes Trevor monkey I came to watch a show that's great that's what do you do for a living sir oh yes computer programmer I can see where a badger would really make no sense at all with that answer this is a very strange show so far that's great so we got a badger we got a bear how about you sir your name okay I'm with you be an eagle he didn't even hesitate an eagle I already thought about it and that's my answer Kaneko into the sea how can he be an eagle because they're an awesome bird and you get to fly around yeah do you live here in town 20 miles where payson okay you're just naming people now just like over paisans house she just come into town for supplies or what I love it here you guys try to defend the bad weather though in this part of the country don't you you all say the same things you're very defensive I like all the seasons when the leaves change it's beautiful yeah the leaves aren't changing they're dying right the seasons would be great if they weren't so repetitive it's the same seasons year after year that's why I'm excited about global warming we're gonna get some brand new seasons right what a beautiful year last year what a gorgeous sprawl leaves just burst in flames there are the six months of flooding and darkness but you know what that's Bubber summers the only good season right the summertime you can have a whole and you're soft you won't even lose your toe right never gets dark at 2:00 in the afternoon in the summertime here's something you never see people doing in the summertime which I saw today people walking down the street just right you don't lose control of your body in the summertime people say they like spring but it's only because they know summers coming all right spring is the meeting her for the first time and falling in love right summers the marrying her and the honeymoon period where she can do nothing wrong fall is the falling asleep next to her and knowing she'll be there in the morning winters the waking up alone in a cold apartment and she's stolen all your craft but you guys must have some weird seasons here I was driving in I saw a wind zone on the street a wind zone I didn't know what to do I'm like Lou better find my chimes wind zone yeah we're infirm we call that outside look at these two lovebirds here so young and in love how long you two been together nine months wow that's fantastic yeah a lot of crowds would clap at that not this one you guys are like they haven't earned it yet nine months where'd you two meet here right at the comedy show where'd you meet a mutual friend okay yeah I'm not gonna like track them down or something so don't tell him a thing he might come back he's not from these parts that's great good couple of birds here how about you - you seem very much in love how long you two been together 16 years yeah that barely beat the threshold you guys like should we do it yeah we'll do it I think that's worth it that's fantastic what's your secret you - oh yeah that was yeah you that's it you really believe that sir where'd you two meet weren't you farmersonly.com where'd you meet he went he met his dad on an airplane in Australia oh okay and I mean was was his dad in the mix for a while or what what's going on here with you two it's your dad sort of your liaison he flies back and forth through Australia I'll find you somebody it might take a while but I'll do it darn it what was your dad doing how did he met her and said he thought that you would fall in love with her your dad is a great matchmaker yeah that's amazing how did he convince you to meet him okay this is gonna be a long story I it is a live show right now she's like and then when I was seven I realized that's fantastic you two lovebirds marriage makes a lot of sense kids it does I mean you know the older you get the more terrible tragic things happen and it's just great comforting to have somebody around next to you to blame and [ __ ] older they get the harder it is to make new friends and the harder it is to find someone that wants to be intimate with you so marriage really is bundling right right the friendship is the cable package the intimacy is the high-speed Internet right and the monogamy you know that's well that's the landline I'm not really sure you want it but it's probably for the best well thank you thank you okay you like that joke went via satellite to some of the chairs plus the older you get the more you know you know look it's great anymore I mean after the age of 25 you're never gonna look as good again you know it's true I avoid my reflection and lakes mirrors sunglasses and the disappointment in the eyes of whoever's looking at me you know my friends are delusional about their looks they often say to me things like I'm not very photogenic I don't take good pictures I think if you consistently don't like the pictures you're getting back you may not be a very attractive creature try this check yourself out in the mirror does it look about the same perhaps you're ugly or maybe you're not mirror genic you know the same people I don't test well maybe you're stupid I'm not book-smart learned to read I'm big-boned yes but those bones are covered with gristle here's my least favorite France you should smile more maybe I smile when you're not around it takes more muscles in the face to frown than it does to smile how many muscles would it take for you to shut your beak I'm a good listener when you're not talking I'm easygoing you sprinkles enix on your fruit loops you're stoned [Applause] my least favorite thing is when people go you look tired yeah that's such a veiled insult isn't it here's what I always say I always go I love your cankles it's perfect cuz the cankles are active fatty thing above someone's foot but a lot of people don't know that so they'll go home and they'll google it and two or three hours later their feelings will be hurt and you'll be long gone marriage makes sense kids make sense you know no one regrets having kids anybody with kids here this evening I don't think people children we know he's got you know he's got the Grizzly how many do you have sir but five kids yeah that's uh it seems like an abundance yeah is this the mom right here yes which one's your favorite the youngest and that's very rare for this portion of the showing most women are like I love all my children she's like just the youngest we kept trying till we got it right this is the weirdest crowd ever guys I don't know how you guys are feeling about me so far I'm definitely gonna tell my friends about you you just are not very predictable most people five kids she's like into it so the first four what's wrong with him nothing he just died but how can he love the latest one the most oh they say she's the favorite and so you're just kind of saying it now so it can be broadcast somewhere so that you're Heather and fair kids will feel insecure for the rest of their life yeah they're gonna they're all gonna be in therapy what's this thing airs and you will too at some point but Brinsley come on anyway that's great so I have five kids that's fantastic you know you always find the silver lining no matter how bad your kids are right I'm sure there's like a parent of a serial killer out there somewhere it's like you know what Bob killed a few people but he makes a great banana nut bread my wife and I just had a baby it was really more her than me although I did get the spirit of things I had an epidural and my wife wanted to know the sex of the baby before it was born they could do that now I don't want to know even after it was born I don't want to know Who am I the Olympic Committee I want to pry into its personal life right I figure whatever sex it was I was gonna raise it as a boy and we don't have health insurance I don't so we had her baby at the vet and it's a mammal I don't know I was thinking I helped create two people my wife loves significantly more than me brought them inside my home as competition and the third priority in my own house fourth if there's chocolate around and it's pandemonium the other day my wife walked in she's like both babies crying did you hear them I didn't know what to say if I heard them I'm lazy if I didn't hear them I'm oblivious and so I said what babies and the kids are gonna remember any of this anyway right no one remembers anything before the age of five right that's why I'm not gonna lift a finger to help my wife for five years yeah I'm gonna let her burn herself out about your five I'm gonna swoop in rested and ready then they will love me and more than her because it's an 18 year marathon and my wife is sprinting from the starting line I'm gonna pace myself when I do take the kids I always make sure I do something wrong so my wife doesn't trust me to take them too often you shall come home one of their diapers will be on backwards or maybe one of them will have like a drink ticket from the horse track I'm coaching my five-year-old nephews t-ball team and it's fun it's great I'm the head coach and I make all these inspirational speeches before the games get these kids all riled up and I use old movie quotes because they've never seen movies before but gather up kids there's a lot of glory to be had on that field you just gonna reach out with two fists and grab it it's not the size of the man it's the size of the heart that beats within the man do or do not there is no try [Applause] look at those kids over there they can't handle the truth I pity the fool that tries to beat us today nobody and I mean nobody puts Baby in a corner once you go out there and live off the land dude it takes to survive eat things gonna make a billy goat puke wax on wax off sweep the leg use the jab shoot the glass say hello with your little friend because they may take our lives [Applause] we've lost every game wonderful to be with you guys here tonight you know I'm very frazzled it's just good for me to be away from my family for a little while and hanging out with you you know when wife and I'm very frazzled my hair starting to fall out and my wife always has one breasts hanging out of her shirt just you know just so everything's on tap there it's a it's kind of beautiful really it's like living with the Picasso about but we argue more than we used to my friend called he's like dude my wife's giving me the silent treatment I'm thinking I wish my wife knew about the silent treatment that'd be sweet you know usually when we argue it's just cuz she's too hot or too hungry you know I think that's why most couples argue so I don't even engage her anymore I just turned down the thermostat give her a chicken leg I'm just more romantic than she is she's very practical the other day I said to her I said you would be the first thing I would grab in a fire she goes I would hope the first thing you'd grab would be a fire extinguisher we argue more than we used to what do we say things to people in love we wouldn't say to strangers I mean people you love they've earned your respect you should be nicest to them right the other day we were arguing out of the blue my wife goes my wife's a muppet and but you wouldn't say that kind of thing to a stranger would you you wouldn't be at a coffee shop can i top you officer so that's my message to you beautiful people here tonight don't hurt the ones you love hurt the ones you'll never have to see again reach out and say something cruel to a stranger I think you should be legal just once a year just punch a stranger in the face that'd be great the police would come in like I've got my punch card right here that's it still valid but this guy is dead well there's ten of us and we all have cards ah this crowd is so young though what if what a beautiful looking peopie if this is a beautiful crowd here this evening I can tell there's no one super old in the crowd tonight because you can tell how old people are by the amount of band-aids they have on their forehead if you're like 90 years old you always have at least one bandaid on your forehead but if you're over a hundred you will always have at least two band-aids on your forehead one of them's not even covering anything you just got it in a hug with another hundred year old it just switched foreheads I'm getting older who's older than they used to be anybody getting over my back starting to hurt the other day my back made a noise I had never heard it make before I got out of bed it sounded like this no my wife threw me a surprise party here's a tip someone's gonna throw you a surprise party make sure everybody yells surprise yeah nobody yelled it I thought I had stumbled into my own intervention I mentioned finding out what Swiss Family Robinson does back here with a beard how you doing sir I've got a long beard are you a lumberjack or do you work as a captain on a ship really again very strange craft actually you got it right you read my mind yeah what are you doing a stay-at-home dad another guy I really can't possibly make cut up but here I go how many kids do you have 3 let's see they got 5 you need looks like comedy karaoke night now it's like they win I'm gonna give it to them how old are they sir okay oh yeah yeah you got your hands full yeah that's good and so the beard was that there before you just trying to do like a mr. mom thing you're saying I'm gonna let myself go do the Grizzly dad standing on the porch I got three kids three Chiclets chickens inside yeah don't cross that threshold look at this beard took me two days to grow how long did it take you to grow that beard oh yeah that's not bad yeah and it was it was it inspired by being the stay-at-home dad [Applause] do you have a pitchfork sir sir I don't think you have to worry about that too early but I think you're a good dad he's you're getting out ahead of the problem he's bright right when they were at bar and he's like I'm growing a beard not gonna let this happen in my house what a weird crowd this has been that's great got the homecare guy one man I'm just trying to get to know you guys a little bit one more man in the red man in red do you live here in town Wow thank the crowd having answered that ways that crowd seems kind of thankful oh I am mr. big you how come you said it that way you know Taylorsville what do you do out there in Taylorsville sir I mean what am I gonna do with you people if there was some way I could just trade out this crowd right now I mean you guys are just so difficult you take care of your wife I mean I look like a total jerk making fun of you everybody seems to have come with some nice answer to every question yeah okay you just take care of her did you work before yeah what'd you do yeah this is very mysterious again this is very rare for this portion of the show you say just ask someone a question they give me an answer but you know with this crowd it's kind of par for the course just Jesus I'm just not going to tell you and I've never told my daughter either my wife doesn't know and the government they don't really like it see people try to just lie about their jobs don't they they try to make their job set wait come on you can hint at it is it are you a spy I mean your lip he looked at her like can I tell them you guys international spies together come on I'm not gonna make funny and that's not what I do can you just give us a hint you're gonna grow a beard okay he's not gonna tell us that's okay I don't like telling people what I do for a living either sir people ask I just say I'm in the Blue Man Group pretty hard to disprove trying to watch my way I am on a special diet turns out I'm allergic to gluten free food and [Applause] it's not easy killing free-range gluten in the wild you got to club him to death any hunters here with us tonight any hunters you got a bit over here what do you hunt sir everything wow that would that would make you a very dangerous person might be very careful what do you want can you narrow that down for us elk okay yeah where do those run wild not the mountains thank you yeah I thought they were on tropical islands mainly it's like this guy doesn't know what he's talking about that's great yeah and how many L can be killed this year zero how come you're not good well have it have you seen an elk oh you see how high is it I wouldn't have admitted that in front of this group look I haven't even seen one he's like yeah I see him all the time they actually came right in front of me and mock me [Applause] so you've seen them what did you we're not what happened out there sir young with a bow okay did you just not get the string connected to the arrow then they just Randy right our but you know when we started this conversation you see what else do you hunt rabbits let's talk about that for a second that doesn't seem very impressive I mean how proud can you be of a rabbit you strap those to your hood afterwards just stick him in your glove compartment you kill rabbits with a bow no you don't use the bow on the rabbits a shotgun yeah cuz with a rabbit the rabbit you need the heavy artillery you want to make sure you know an injured rabbit coming after your family daddy the injured rabbits back and he's angry you should have used the shotgun or the bow Elks at the door too well have it what do you do with the rabbits after you kill them you eat them okay yeah that's that's not that doesn't sound good and how many rabbits have you killed this year a few so maybe you're better with the shotgun maybe you should start using the shotgun on the elk because those are bigger right you thinking about that it's against the law oh where is this huh here oh okay I didn't know that well that shoots that whole theory down guys this is such a weird crowd I really try to say this as nicely as possible guys never never be a crowd again call each other don't all come on the same night it's a toxic mix of people I didn't think I'd be getting into the fine-tune details of hunting elk in this region but he told me he's like you don't know what you're talking about you can't do that you can only use a shotgun on rabbit so have you ever killed an elk no oh so we've gone from I don't know if you guys want to bring it back a second here you want to read the transcript or I can just tell it to you I said is anyone hunting he said I hunt everything that moves so witty honey said ELQ now we find out he's never killed it out I guess in that case tonight we are all elk hunters [Applause] thanks for coming man we should had a time machine when they asked me to do this show you want to do the Friday night show I don't know maybe not might be some crazy people in the crowd what a wonderful group this is I had an interesting year you know with snowboarding up in your mountains that was fun I love snowboarding I love the lingo that the snowboarders are out there dude they're out there shredding getting gnarly they'll yell things at you and you don't know what they're saying you know this is guy yellow means like nice still fish dude nice still fish I'm like gnarly Turk feather to you the guys like awesome crab cakes excellent bean dip they're very poetic this guy came up to me in the forest he's like to shred or not to shred that is the question whether tis gnarly in the pipe to some of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune by ripping an old-school alley-oop Jim bucking rail slide or to take arms against a sea of troubles by ripping a fat press Erie vert half carve aye there's the rub my gnarly big panted cousin I didn't hesitate I I said to half pipes diverged in a wood and I took the pipe less traveled by [Applause] it was this a fun year I went to my first a Notre Dame football game this year yeah any football fans here but there was this old lady sitting behind us singing the entire game every time the band would play she'd pipe pop nine year old woman just driving us crazy the entire game she's driving us crazy has been like six months I still can't sleep anymore I wake up middle of the night she's hovering above me with a pom pom so I thought I'd bring the sickness to you people here tonight you don't remember a word I say hopefully el Condor will wake up middle the night I've always wanted to sing the national anthem at a major sporting event wouldn't it be great you have the middle of the field hundreds and thousands of people are watching Oh who's [Music] [Applause] and the home [Applause] you guys have been so much fun I just got the light it means I'm supposed to get off stage soon yeah I know usually when I see the light that's how I feel usually I'm really disappointed tonight tonight when I saw that light I I felt like a coal miner that had been trapped underground the shaft of light broke through I knew I was gonna survive I'm giving you a hard time you guys were the best crowd we had here tonight and I'll never forget you guys I hope I didn't dominate too much of the conversation but I sure enjoyed meeting you I mean I will admit there were times during the show that the whole thing felt like one big cruel practical joke I I really felt like you guys are just paid actors from Hollywood yeah met in Lyon and before the show and some director got you together and had a meeting he's like okay here's we're gonna do when the comedian comes to onstage and ask you questions give him some of the strangest possible answers you can think of if you ask where you're from but name a bunch of places he's never heard of that don't exist just name a friend of yours and then put a Vil on the end he won't know the difference yes what kind of animal you'd like to be say my son it's his birthday and I would say he looks like a grizzly yeah so kind of Annie would like to be Saint badger since the comedian doesn't have any jokes about that that's what you do for a living don't make up jobs he can make fun of be as vague as possible say sales but don't tell him what you sell or say you're retired but you used to love your job in the copy industry working with kids no comedian could possibly make fun of that that'll stop them at the pass that's how many kids you have say five but you only love one of them that'll depress the heck out of everybody he says you've been dating for a while nine months make sure nobody claps in the crowd that's what any normal group would do let's keep him guessing every step of the way that's what you do for a living say if you told him you'd have to kill him and even your children have never been told that'll bring the show to a grinding halt last but not least if he asks what you had go ahead to say everything that moves then claim you kill elk with a bow when he asked me how many of killed st. zero you mainly live on rabbits which you kill with shotgun as we play our cards right we will drive this guy out of the business it will never do comedy again break [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 861,797

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Cash Levy, Cash Levy Dry Bar Comedy, Cash Levy COmedian, Cash Levy Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedians, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comdians, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Lame Job, Work From Home, raw materials, dbc, stand up, old people

Id: SZ4DrT32cTg

Length: 43min 28sec (2608 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 19 2020