Men Don't Want To Be Women. Jeff Shaw - Full Special

my real voice makes me sound like a woman so i use this manly one instead thank you very much it's great to be here [Applause] i'm jane lynch and welcome to hollywood game night you laugh but i actually had somebody say to me has anybody ever told you that you look like the actress jane lynch i said no just you everybody else has been polite enough to just think it but for some reason you seem to think that telling a middle-aged man that he looks like a middle-aged woman is an icebreaker why don't you really get on my good side and tell me which teletubby i sound like and don't you dare say tinky winky to clarify my name is jeff and for those of you sitting in the back of the room i'm a man hashtag you gotta be kidding me my doctor told me i have low testosterone i said how low he said you can start shopping at ann taylor one night a woman my age approached me after a show and said you got something against being a woman i said no ma'am in fact i'd like to go through menopause just to see if it'll make my voice as deep as yours here's a question i get a lot hey jeff that's not your real voice is it oh no of course not my real voice makes me sound like a woman so i use this manly one instead well i were using my real voice you'd be thinking hey look ellen really let herself go [Applause] one time somebody actually asked me if i were a woman who had surgery to become a man i said no but if i were i'd ask for my money back what woman wants to pay to become a man who's less manly than the woman she used to be the upside is whenever i need to go to the bathroom really bad i can use any restroom i want [Music] and another cool thing about my voice if i ever go into politics this voice will protect me from political scandals i did not have romantic relations with that woman oh don't worry we believe you although i'm not a manly man i'm not a girly man either i'm right in the middle i'm what you might call a manly girly man whenever one of my manly man friends says hey jeff you want to go to cabela's and check out the shotguns and crossbows i'm like you know it bro as long as we can stop at the yankee candle store on the way home whenever one of my manly man friend says hey jeff do you like the miami dolphins i'm like you know it bro for two reasons one larry zonka and dan marino are two of the baddest hombres to ever play the game and two i've always enjoyed the combination of orange and aquamarine sometimes manly man thoughts and girly man thoughts play tug of war in my head this guy's a jerk i should knock his block off but what if i break my hand i can't scrapbook wearing a cast [Laughter] i'm from cleveland ohio and somebody asked me how i feel about lebron james leaving cleveland for 145 million i said it's cleveland i'd leave for 145 dollars and that's why i'm working in provo this weekend [Applause] i started my career in comedy at the old cleveland comedy club in 1986 with drew carey and steve harvey yeah i don't know what happened are those two losers but i'm in utah son people ask me if i still stay in touch with those guys well although drew carey and i will exchange the occasional email it's hard relating to people that successful so drew what you been up to oh you know still hosting the price is right what about you jeff oh you know still watching the price is right every morning at 11 a.m because i've got that kind of discipline and although there aren't very many famous manly men named jeff there are a few um there's jeff bridges from the movies and jeffrey the giraffe from toys r us turns out that martial arts expert slash movie star jeff speakman and i have a lot in common his name is jeff and my name is jeff his birthday is november 8th and my birthday is november 8th he's a 9th degree black belt and my name is jeff have you ever run a google search for your name and discover that there are dozens if not hundreds of people with your same first and last name leading more successful fulfilling and rewarding lives in you if you run a search for my name jeff shaw i'm listed behind a real estate mogul named jeff shaw and a former major league baseball player named jeff shaw but if you narrow this search to jeff shaw with the hair of rot stewart the voice of kristen stewart and the raw sex appeal of martha stewart up pops my photograph [Applause] there used to be a baseball player named jeff shaw and he pitched for my home team the cleveland indians in the 90s and one time i was playing a comedy club and i checked into the motel 6 and the clerk said hey are you the jeff shaw who pitches for the indians i said yeah that's me how else could i afford to stay here i'll tell you what i'll throw you a no-hitter on saturday if you leave the light on for me another time i was playing a comedy club in alabama a guy approaches me between shows in the lobby and says hey jeff we've got a jeff shaw on morning radio here is he your brother [Music] i said yes our parents named us both jeff so as not to confuse deep thinkers such as yourself come back tomorrow night you can meet our sister jeff she's the manly looking jeff in the family great thing about my voice and demeanor is i can be sarcastic and people know i'm joking that is such a benefit when you're a comedian i was in starbucks recently and the barista said can i have your name for the cup i said jeff and she said is that jeff with one f or jeff with 2x i said two fs good catch i'd hate to see what would happen if you only wrote down one f skinny decaf latte for jeff skinny decaf latte for jeff oh excuse me miss are you saying jeff or are you saying jeff because i'm jeff with two f's and it sounds like you're saying jeff with one f and i'd hate for there'd be more than one jeff with a different amount of f's in his jeff both who ordered the same skinny decaf latte she said there is something wrong with you i said is that you with one you or two you [Applause] more recently i went to starbucks and the kids said can i have your name for the cup i said yes my name is golden globe award-winning actress glenn close i figured he knew i was kidding until five minutes later i heard skinny decaf latte for golden globe award-winning actress glenn close i said dude i was joking it was oh great now you tell me that was a really long name you made me write [Applause] i said dude i'm a comedian my name is jeff he said is that jeff with one f or two my proudest offstage moment in stand-up comedy is the time i made an african-american barista laugh so hard steamed milk shout out her nose she said welcome to starbucks sir are you familiar with all of our different espresso drinks i said yes a latte is espresso with steamed milk and a little bit of foam a cappuccino is an espresso with seam milk and a lot of foam a flat white is espresso with steamed milk and foam layered into the coffee instead of on top and a dump white is a starbucks employee who calls the cops on an african-american customer although he's just chilling out waiting for his friends that joke got me a free biscotti with three t's i embrace cultural diversity one of my favorite cities on the planet is miami florida and i was heartbroken when i recommended miami to a manly man friend of mine back in ohio and he said i hated miami dude nobody spoke english to me down there if all those cupids and puerto ricans don't want to learn english they should just go back to mexico where they came from i said you should go back to school or you dropped out of folks i've been playing and enjoying miami for over two decades now and i found a way to get latino miamians to speak to me in rapid fire perfectly accented english and that's by speaking to them in horribly accented painfully slow spanish excuse me sir could you please tell me where i find the nearest cvs drugstore around here oh lo siento si no no hablo ingles no puedo eu darle signor oh no problema senor po three at the ceiling don't they say ubika la drogoria cvs la maser de o for crying out live you go on two stop lights you take a left at the post office with the crosstalk aye aye aye [Music] i'm a 53 year old man and the cool thing about being a 53 year old man is it makes me feel good when nobody believes me no way dude get out of here i never would have guessed you're a man [Laughter] thank you for your cruel and hurtful laughter i'm at the age where young people have started telling me that i look great for my age you look great for your age gee thanks you couldn't just left it out you look great when a young person tells you that you look great for your age what they're really trying to say is i want to give you a compliment but i don't want you to get any ideas because you're old and that would be gross [Laughter] i admire millennials because they are so focused so filled with inspiration and motivation hopes and dreams for the future the older i get the less ambitious i become when i turned 30 i was like i want to be rich but then i turned 4 and i was like i want to be comfortable then i turned 50 and i was like i want to be in bed by 9 30. [Applause] i often find myself working alongside millennials and millennials use a phrase that i can't stand no worries no worries dude we'll take care of it no worries of course you have no worries you're 22. i'm 53 i have lots of worries at 22 you can eat one slice of cheese and no you're gonna go to the bathroom sometime over the next three months [Laughter] but one slice of velveeta at 53 and i'm backed up like i-15 in rush hour [Applause] you know how i can tell i'm getting older i was at a bar slash restaurant recently and i saw a table of college kids order a round of jell-o shots and my first thought was mmm i love a bowl of jello the older i get the bigger my sweet tooth becomes i can eat an entire bag of hershey miniatures in one sitting you have not experienced shame until you've woken from a sugar coma naked covered in 300 tiny candy wrappers and everyone at the airport has their phones out streaming you to instagram thing is i can't eat chocolate anymore because four years ago my doctor diagnosed me with acid reflux disease and he gave me a long depressing list of food and beverages i have to avoid sorry jeffrey but no coke no pepsi no beer no wine no orange juice no grapefruit no pizza no lasagna no burritos no gumbo no chicken wings no cheeseburgers no chocolate no mint no chewing gum doc if i can't eat that stuff i should just end it all today okay if you want but no arsenic no cyanide no strychnine no rat poison i have a girlfriend my apologies to everybody who just lost a better wow that joke got a bigger lap than i was hoping for recently a 33 year old woman asked me out she didn't know i had a girlfriend and even if i weren't in a relationship i wouldn't have gone out with her because 20 years is way too big of an age difference because at 33 she's in her romantic prime and at 53 i'm in my amazon prime my girlfriend is afraid i'm going to leave her for a younger prettier woman that would never happen i love her too much i might leave her for a quieter less critical woman if i go home with a woman half my age it's to steal her hair care products [Applause] i've got no game i'm at the age where uh romance is less important to me than silence at 53 i have no offense ladies but at 53 i like my women the way i like my coffee with a lid on it now for those of you ladies who feel compelled to punch me and kick me after the show you don't want to be known as a woman who beat the heck out of helen after a comedy show scariest thing about being in my 50s is my parents are in their 70s which means if i make it to my 70s and my parents make it to their 90s i could conceivably wind up in the same assisted living facility as my parents i'd be the only loser in the history of losers to still live at home in a home my dad would be like for the love of god you're pushing 80. when are you going to get a place of your own well according to your nurse any day now i got my looks from my parents my mom is ukrainian and my dad is barry manilow when i tell people that i'm not a parent myself the next question is invariably what don't you like kids i love kids but what does life and kids have to do with wanting to be a parent i like mcdonald's french fries doesn't mean i want to be a mcdonald's employee i like riding in toyota corollas doesn't mean i want to be an uber driver i like taking risque selfies doesn't mean i want to be a politician i think people who say they don't like kids haven't spent enough time around kids i think people who say they want kids haven't spent enough time around kids taiwan think kids can be expensive they say that the average cost of raising an infant to 18 is 233 000 so the next time your kid says i wish i had never been born say oh yeah what a coincidence i wish i bought a lamborghini instead and although i'm not a parent i am a fan of good parenting the other day a little boy ran into me at the mall and said i'm sorry sir my mommy told me not to run indoors but i'm having so much fun i'm not paying attention to the rules but now that i've caused an accident i think i'm going to learn a valuable lesson from this experience adorable right so then i see his mother come around the corner and i go excuse me man but is this a little gentleman yours and she goes yeah what's it to you i go nothing just be sure to tell his stepmom she's doing a great job if i ever i do have children i want a dumb kid intelligent children are too hard to discipline and keep in line you have a dumb kid you can get away with lazy parenting my parents coasted for 18 years [Music] dumb kids are easier to discipline mom why can't i have any ice cream because i said so that's why good answer i got nothing that doesn't work with intelligent children excuse me mother but why may i not have any ice cream please because i said so that's why oh really mother that's the best you have 30 years on this planet you decided to bring a new life into the world and the best you can do when stressed out is to emotionally aggress and act like a child yourself to assert your story willy-nilly just because you're the all-powerful parent and i'm the powerless child without the wherewithal to procure his own ice cream instead of using this as a teachable moment that you can use to teach me some good adult decision making skills so that i can make good decisions when i'm your age someday skills such as the lay of gratification bartering and negotiating well guess what mother i think i'm gonna have some ice cream i'm gonna have it now why because i said so touch me and i'll call the cops i have two younger sisters which really upset my dad because he was hoping at least one of his kids would grow up to be a man [Laughter] [Music] when my dad finally entered the information age he told me that i had to be the one to teach him how to use his first computer because he taught me how to ride a bicycle 45 years ago and i owed him that was fair so i sat him down at the keyboard and went come on you big [ __ ] you can do it what he awaits for you fly baby i'm putting the training balls back you go upstairs with your sister your big cyber i'll teach you how to log on to www.be a [Applause] manlygirlymanalready.org [Applause] and although i don't seek the approval of manly men i'll take a compliment from a manly man whenever it's offered i was doing a comedy club in little rock arkansas recently and a very nice gentleman approached me after her show and said hey jeff i don't think you sound like a woman i think you sound like a nascar driver [Laughter] i said cool which one he said danica patrick i thought it was so cool that this guy for uh compared me to a member of a very manly man profession that for the rest of the week whenever somebody said hey jeff how's it going i go well we was looking pretty good in the straightaway we was catching some good air fixing to get our lap back a little slick going into turn four so she got a little sideways on me i realized i was low on the track so i checked up that's when kevin harvick bought me from behind in the bush flannel car you know kevin was working me hard to haul racing and kevin would spin his own grandmother out to get a lap back and that's what happened got to the wall where i traded paint with danny hamlin and that was all she wrote and that's a shame too because it was bit real good today jim that's okay we got a good team we got a cue crew we got a good sponsor we'll just come back next sunday and do it again that's racing for you even if you don't like nascar you have to appreciate the fact that nascar drivers are the ultimate manly men these guys almost perish in a fiery car crash their car is room for the rest of the season they are cool calm and collected well just wasn't my race today wasn't the competitor i wanted babe we'll go back to the drawing board dust ourselves off pick up the pieces we'll get a team of surgeons to sew my arms and legs back on we'll be in it to win it next time we americans appreciate any man who can exhibit that high level of grace under pressure i guarantee you that if a nascar driver explained the financial crisis in 2008 we never would have panicked as a nation hey ricky would you like to explain the subprime mortgage alone crisis on wall street to the average american well what happened was we had a bunch of shady bankers engaging in fraudulent lending practices loaning money to folks with doubtful credit history and unverifiable income records in the u.s banks which extended the loans instead of keep them on the books they sold them off as high quality bonds offshore interest and snaring the global economy to what is essentially a u.s banking problem that's okay we got a good team we got a good crew we got a good sponsor we got some cracker jack financial advisors walked us come back next fiscal year and royally mess up the economy again thank you very much [Applause] you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 731,128

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Jeff Shaw, Jeff Shaw Dry Bar Comedy, Jeff Shaw Comedy, Jeff Shaw Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, DryComedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Dry Bar Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, dbc, Jane Lynch, Comedy Game night, manly man, girly man, low testosterone, economy, recession, barista

Id: rCC5ZgpJ7NI

Length: 26min 46sec (1606 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 13 2020