Jokes About EVERY Fast Food Chain! - Dry Bar Comedy

this is true university of texas a couple of years ago one of the chemistry majors uh did a study on all the chemicals and some of the fast food right it made national news because she found an ingredient in mcribs also used to make exercise mats that's true that's so gross and if you're in here tonight and you eat mcribs you're probably like what is an exercise man like the more someone tries to convince you of something the less i believe them every time wendy's has a commercial like we use 100 real chicken i'm like i thought you did now i'm not so sure why do you have to advertise 100 chicken never frozen it is definitely frozen i'm ordering at 1am i hope you froze it it's just been sitting there all day i think it's too easy to eat terrible that's what i think it is you know because it wasn't that long ago where it's like you want to eat bad you got a couple places you can go to now they compete with each other to see who can offer something worse for you wendy's has a sandwich called son of baconator their food is having kids when they're closed do you understand how bad that is for you that's how i ordered too i'm like uh give me a baconator and one of his children i don't know you got a boy that usually tastes better last time i was in florida this is real by the way this is google information after the show i'm in florida i'm walking past a newspaper stand i look into the stand the headline on the newspaper reads local man robs wendy's with alligator what did you just say to me i read it i still said that out loud it was incredible oh and also yeah that's all you want to say you don't want to add any more to that like i don't know maybe tell us if the alligator was an accomplice or a weapon how about that for real did this guy rob a wendy's with an alligator or did this guy rob a wendy's with an alligator there's a huge difference like did he start did you start a gang with an alligator throw a bandana on it he's like for the alligator boys now let's get to a wendy's and make this official no so this is how i bought the paper and i read the article and this is real he used the alligator as a weapon okay and when i read that i was like did he at least hold it like a gun right he didn't he threw it through a drive-through window yep didn't see that one coming did y'all you know who else did it the lady at the drive-thru so many things have to happen before you can even throw an alligator you have to find it in the wild also by the way how horrible is florida that there is just alligators available to you what was even his qualifying material was he looking for a specific type are you just the first one he saw he was like this is the one and he took it that was it so this is real this happened in florida a place connected to the united states where we are all living currently grown man with a driver's license found an alligator that day he didn't even build a relationship with it takes his new alligator and he seat belt it into the back seat of his car i assume i just have no idea how else you keep it from getting into the front seat and biting you right i don't i don't know if you guys know anything about alligators but they kind of just do whatever they want [Music] so he seatbelts this dinosaur into the back seat and he gets into the front seat and he's like ah i gotta make some money scared the today oh i could get a job and he goes no no time spent most my day on that alligator thing projects i could rob someone and go take a rob a place those places have more money than someone's rob a bank and he goes no no they'll be expecting that he's thinking about it and then he's thought he comes to the conclusion wendy's they have money and chili that's the place so he drives his new alligator to wendy's okay pulls up to the drive-through and the lady at the drive-thru is like hello how can i help you today and he goes give me all the money and she just goes looks right at him and goes uh no you didn't even come inside you failed at this robbery and the dude is so mad he goes give me the money in the register or i'll kill you and she's from florida so she's not afraid of death or whatever she looks down at him she's like no if you had a gun you would have shown it to me already i call your bluff gotta hear crazy guy go go go he's seething matt at this point furious and he's like you know what i don't have a gun but hold on and then he palmed an alligator through the drive-through window yup he skipped so many steps in that robbery if he had a list of things he was supposed to do he would have thrown the alligator looked down and just been like oh no i was supposed to threaten her with the alligator first by the way can you imagine being her telling this guy off and he's like you know what i don't have a gun and you're like wow nailed it really doing it today and then he leads back and starts unbuckling the world's ugliest toddler hey someone come and see this is wild that you look back and an alligator is flying imagine being the car behind him just sitting there with your girlfriend like what takes so long to make burgers here she's on her phone you're like do you even care you look back from her and then an alligator soars from window to window honey get off your phone they're throwing alligators and new wendy's this guy is crazy she's on her phone like that doesn't make sense they don't even serve alligators here what why am i with you [Laughter] [Music] so this dude is sitting there awkwardly with no more alligators left to play in the robbery probably thinking to himself oh you think if i asked for my alligator back such a bad idea to throw it he didn't even put a fanny pack on it like maybe get some money while you're in there i don't know so he drives off yeah and he gets arrested immediately he didn't even wear a mask yeah he was like i'm in florida people throw alligators i'll probably get lost in the shuffle uh no he didn't they remembered him they arrested him pretty hard afterwards the end of the article is true it goes no one was injured the alligator was safely released back into the wild at the very end of the article it read no drug involvement suspected oh yeah florida that was your sober plan what does the non-sober plan look like do you ride a horse and the alligator throws you what happens i'm pretty patriotic myself here's how patriotic i am i am a vegetarian but i love kentucky fried chicken i don't even need it anymore i just support it [Music] because we were poor we got here we couldn't eat out first thing we ate out was kentucky fried chicken my dad went all out he got the bucket of chicken he got the biscuits and he also bought the coleslaw and if you've been eating coleslaw your whole life maybe you don't know this but it is disgusting there's always somebody somewhere like no it's pretty good yeah and people on a farm get used to the smell of poop you can get used to horrible things i don't know who thought that like you know what this salad needs to be wet let's make a wet salad should it be clear wet no it should be snotty wet it should be the most disgusting thing and see if people will eat it so my dad noticed we weren't eating the coleslaw like hey why is nobody eating deco we're like dad it doesn't taste good like i don't care you have to eat it because the white people lead it and they cannot find out we're now white people they're gonna know when you talk my dad's not going to sneak past any of you where are you from sir boston machuchin that's how he says massachusetts you guys like having fun get yourself an empty bucket from the colonel sanders there's more put a real live chicken in it go to the window at kfc [Music] come here yeah this chicken ain't done [Applause] i do that stuff too man this lady in gatlinburg i don't know how else to just she looked like someone who might frequent a long john silver's slash kentucky fried chicken like a two-in-one fast food restaurant i don't know if you guys ever go to those but there's good people watching in there too any of them i don't care what the combo is for some reason the average redneck brain can't seem to process that there are two businesses operating behind one counter and sharing the menu above and the first time they see it it just catches them off guard they're like okay could i get it okay do i need to be at this register if i want chicken is this like a food court or something it's the same company i can order off of both of them oh i didn't know that well i'm getting a family meal deal i get two sides could i get a side from this side and then aside from that side like if i could hurry up and decide could i go from side to side from my sides i can i want to try that okay um well extra biscuits i mean i knew that before i came in here and what does long john silvers have hush puppies what can i do that two breads oh yeah look it up i know it sounds like i'm really exaggerating for the sake of stand-up comedy but it's not as much as you think okay i promise if you go to any two-in-one fast food restaurant just grab a seat close to the register just within earshot within five minutes you'll hear some truckers spit out a sins that has never been formed in the history of words because he's buckling under the pressure of the line that's now foreign behind him he's like oh god i'm sorry you guys i just i hadn't even thought about tacos and then i come in here and boom right there they are next to the pizza but if you can make wherever you go half of it long john silver's like that's where you're going to have the best time all right at any long john silvers you will hear a grown man ask for extra crumbs which is a new low for our society and really racist humans now if i've completely lost you long john silver's it's a fast food seafood restaurant and what they do is is they take chicken and fish and they dip it in their batter and then they put it in the deep fryer and when they flip it from the deep fryer little pieces of that batter break off and then a pile of those little pieces form and then people go hey could i get a scoop of the thing that right there i want some of that stuff like the garbage on the bottom i want some like put some of that into my treasure chest they get off and i was like did that guy just ask for more crumbs like i thought i might have misheard right she pushes a button on the register boop crumbs ten cents i was like you gotta be kidding me how often does this happen okay seriously like i thought i could be witnessing the first time in the history of long john silver's where some guy was like listen this is gonna sound a little crazy but i'm a little short on cash and i have a long drive ahead of me could you maybe just put some of that stuff into a cup i could snack on it while i'm on the road i don't know no people it happened so much that it has been programmed into the register and if that's the case right if whatever you call that stuff has its own button which i'm pretty sure we can all agree was not in the original business plan that tells me that there was a day somewhere that it went down right and as a professional people watcher i'm just mad i wasn't there to see it you know because i just pictured some toothless managers storming out of the back hey somebody's gonna start paying for these crunchies all right i can't be giving this stuff away all day if everybody's going to ask for it we got to figure something out let's just be honest y'all love free stuff that's what it is ain't it yeah it is that's why we had to get rid of our tartar sauce pump and switch to packets put them behind the counter limit two per customer cause y'all were pumping it right into your boats are you kidding me nobody needs that much tartar sauce and i'm sick of dealing with it he tries to slam the door but it's that metal kitchen door right 10 minutes later no one's speaking because you can still hear him in the back ticked off i ain't selling down tommy i'm sick of this they don't pay me enough to put up with this i'm so mad my hand's shaking i'm supposed to bowl tonight now what i'm done well i don't care if i said it before i mean it this time you watch as soon as i can afford that lift kitten and luke bryan take it you ain't never gonna see me again i'm out well of course i'm going florida georgia line's open and i ain't gonna miss that they're the only dudes that can settle me down right now you do that for me all right you take the nelly part you make me wanna roll my window [Music] okay listen obviously i've thought way too much about a day that probably never happened okay i'll give you that but i have questions and i want them answered and the only people that can answer them are those in charge of the yum brands if you're not familiar with who they are pizza hut taco bell kentucky fried chicken long john silvers a w root beer now i don't know what they're on but they're on something okay all their ideas whether it's for the restaurant the two in one fast food concept itself i feel like they just get together in a big room hey hey carl you got anything um there have been several occasions where i was like i want fried chicken and pizza at the same time but probably was not in a stable position to drive two separate places can we do something about that yeah i think we could do something about that we could probably sell both of those here right yeah all right we can put that down save some money on rent phil what do you guys got okay we're representing pizza hut and um you know the doughy part around the outside of the pizza the crust the crust dude i told you it was called the crust what if and i'm just spitballing here we remove the crust and replace it with a ring of soft pretzel pigs in a blanket and if we can't do that could we just fill it with cheese well we can certainly look into one of those if not all of them i think those are all good ideas our audience would certainly enjoy ricky what about you i've always wanted to make taco shells out of doritos that's what i'm talking about that needs to be put that down first we got to figure that one out first maybe the greatest idea that's ever come out of these summits let's start with nacho cheese cool ranch in the fourth quarter people love little red and green flecks on their taco shells at christmas i love it i love everything i'm hearing we do have a set greeting though the greeting is scripted you can't say hello your own way you got to say it just like this welcome to burger king really thank your order why don't you try you try it young man okay sir um what are you doing here i'm not quite but you'll get it you know if i go to burger king if i get an order of onion rings there's always a couple of french fries mixed in there with them always but if i get the french fries there's never any onion rings mixed in there are they in the same pile or ante i'm mystified by that you ever lied all these places you're hungry and you're in a hurry and you're watching the guy working back there and by the way he's moving you're pretty sure he's underwater i get drowsy watching them work i get up there i'm falling asleep i'll have a i have a hamburger what time is it sometimes i'll screw up the girl screw them you know yeah i'm going to get a i'm going to get a mc whopper yeah mc whopper with mashed potatoes and a the heineken heineken supersize the biggie you know what make it a schlitz can i change my order you ever try to change your order oh man they look at you like you ask them to rewire the pentagon [Laughter] we got a situation over here we got a code red yeah this man he's not going to eat the things he said he would eat it originally what am i supposed to do now push the buttons show me which ones shift alt end to delete escape start over well remember what do you want get it right this time this is hard what i'm doing is hard burger king they don't mind the special order right extra pickle that's their slogan that's not their slogan that's not that's why i'm not in the slogan writing business have it your way that's their slogan have it your way that's still there's look you know i like doing burger king oh you know what i want i want a whopper with cheese but i want the top bun on the bottom and the bottom bottom of the top yeah that's my way i want the top bound on the bottom the bottom of the top don't just think you can flip it upside down i know the difference and i want you to cut into eight pieces like a pizza i'm gonna eat it with a spork you got sporks i hope a w's got sporks i like burger king better than mcdonald's not because the food's any better because i'm really immature and every time i go to burger king i get an onion ring in my fries that's a good day you don't even know you got it till you get back to the table you have your tray you're like oh do you want to sit at this booth right here oh that's fine oh i didn't pay for this who's the king now huh i'm gonna put it to the side save it for later little ketchup circle of protection around it just the opposite if you get a fry on your onion rings you're a little mad about it you know it's a waste of space you're up at the counter where's the manager my crown falls off i don't want to talk about it stuff fits i found this out while i was in oklahoma did you know if you go through a drive-through fast food restaurant without a car they'll get mad this is a true story y'all whenever i work a club on land it's the club owner responsibility for my accommodations and this club owner has put me up in a hotel that's right across the parking lot you'll notice i didn't say street right it's right across the parking lot from a burger king and i stumbled over there one night midnight one o'clock after a show i was a little bit inebriated and um okay i won't lie to you i was a lot of inebriated but i knew better than to drive and i got to the to the burger king and the doors were locked y'all but but that drive-thru was open [Music] i was just standing at the speaker [Music] and that woman that lives in that box right there said welcome to burger king might take your order i was like yeah i want a whopper with cheese and i want a small fry and i wanted a coke and she said are you in a car i was like i don't know can you see me [Music] she wouldn't serve me yeah i had to hitchhike in the drive-through oh hey dude could you take me to that first window right there i can help with gas he wouldn't do it i had to get a taxi 56 for a whopper the other day i wasn't feeling great about old andrew hopps you know feeling pretty bad about myself so i did something i regret i went to burger king yeah i know i regret it too and i order my food thinking like i deserve this is just what i asked for because i asked for it [Music] and over the intercom this little voice says hey for a dollar would you like two cookies sorry i get a little emotional with this one and i told him i've done nothing today to deserve two cookies i drive around to the window and there he is with two cookies and he says to me son sometimes we all deserve [Music] two cookies and i am here to tell you that the king of all burgers is a just and merciful king and if we will but humble ourselves he will provide here's something that happened to me a while back that was half stupid half just cracked me up there's a town in alabama that when i'm driving down to the gulf of mexico you have to go through and it's spelled really weird it's about e-a-u-f-a-u-l-a has anybody ever heard of this probably well for over 40 years i've been going through this town and i never learned how to pronounce it it's driving me crazy so i figured you know what doggone it next time i want to stop and get a local that's the best way isn't it so get a local teach me so i stopped in the first building i could find go in sweet little lady behind the counter i go ma'am you got to help me can you please tell me where i am and say it slowly so i'll understand she's like all right [Music] thank you i figured that he was silent i got a buddy he's got him everywhere right tattoos all the way up to his neck two full sleeves the works he's always complaining to me though about not being able to get a job he's like i don't get it man i'm like dude what's not to get you got a tattoo of a demon on your neck you should have been smarter about this and gotten the tattoo of your resume it's like hey check it out shift lead to burger king 0408 i dropped a couple french fries anybody been pulled over recently and deserved it anybody do that nobody admits to it see i deserved it it was my fault i admit that it was my fault i was driving by myself in the carpooling which is terrible i was late to a gig and i took a shot got pulled over got cut all right and my first instinct is to maybe make up a lie or just joke around with a police officer see if i can get out of it you know but i couldn't come up with a lie for driving by myself in the carpool lane so i just panicked and i was like oh no i left my baby at burger king again and i don't know why i said again like i do this all the time don't worry officer i know the drill uh he laughed he thought it was funny but then he wrote me a ticket because that doesn't work right and i don't know what was gonna happen like what was my end game on this like my mind immediately goes like worst case scenario right like i'm getting a police escort back to burger king no way i'm just praying there's an abandoned baby there that i can borrow for a few or whatever then i'm texting my friends like drop your kid off at burger king quick my uncle tax texts back immediately yeah i'll do it father of the year but he only has a 17 year old daughter that's not what i meant i mean me and the cop get out of the car and she just goes hey daddy this is gonna be way worse than a minor traffic infraction i think take me home daddy okay shut your mouth rose i love advertisement especially when advertising is unintentionally funny i'll give an example i'm driving by a burger king right the birking sign reads now hiring closers but a windstorm had hit and the sea had fallen off the sun i gotta wait for the bad spellers on that joke i remember the last day that i was honest this woman she started opening up right like not in a good way emotionally in a very unkind way she's like you know when i was eight years old my dad went out to get hamburgers for the whole family and never came back and i was like oh my those must have been some amazing hamburgers do you remember where he went i want some did he help it we should find your father could you imagine a hamburger so good where you just leave your family you you take one bite i'm not going back i won't go back you gotta go back what about your kids chick-fil-a chick-fil-a required to say with pleasure and my pleasure to any anything everything it's in their training i have two straws here you go thank you my pleasure i think you're overestimating this transaction it can't be your pleasure oh no i uh i drive that car i drive that subaru around to a lot of a lot of stand-up comedy gigs and so i'm driving a lot and i'm constantly afraid that i'm gonna fall asleep at the wheel like i don't know if this happens to you guys but i've tried everything i get drowsy as soon as i start driving so i've tried sunflower seeds i've tried those little energy drinks and nothing has worked until now i figured out the best way to stay awake and alert before i drive anywhere i stop at jack-in-the-box yeah and i order myself two dirty tacos the kind that are so greasy you can see through them because nothing keeps you on the edge of your seat [Music] like holding back diarrhea you are awake and you are alert [Music] it's crazy i do like exploring new places and your community is no doubt what a beautiful place listen i get to go to some of the most beautiful place oh i was just i was in mexico right and i've been there a bunch and but i've never had like mexican cuisine because they don't have the chalupas and whatnot there so i had to go numero cuatro um and so i went to the taxi driver and i said sir please take me uh pour for uh uh to where the locals eat and this fella took me to a five guys do you have five guys where you live all right here's a little tip from me to you don't order the large french fry at five guys it comes in a wheelbarrow it's huge that's the only french fry that's bad for your back so i'm in this little town eating eating idaho pretty much i'm eating this stuff and this lady bless her [Music] i'm gonna describe this lady to you with love in my heart she's leaving the five guys with a bag of five guys in each hand and i'm thinking that's like 10 guys that's a lot of guys it's a little math joke um i will describe her to you as my nana would have described her with love and respect in my heart she was a big boned woman we on the same page you know what i mean when i say big bone woman now full disclosure i did not see any bones but surely they were present some things we take on faith she's leaving the five guys bag of five guys at each hand as she leaves there was an incident i'm trying to think how to make this friend oh oh oh she had a blowout not sure what you're cheering for [Music] she blew out her croc you know what a croc is everybody knows a croc like a foam rubber garden and slipper that four-year-old white kids wear to the pool okay the official shoe of connor you're with me okay right i don't know what kind of load the croc is rated for now load's an engineering word i'm not being disrespectful [Music] i don't know what that number is but it was exceeded that day right there in the in the cinco ombres right there [Laughter] thanks for digging my spanish um now i don't know all the science words but she made a move i would call it a plant pivot she was able to complete the maneuver just fine the croc not so much it accepted the plant resisted the pivot and i guess the compression and the torsion and the shearing force and the friction co i don't know it turns into dust there's crock dust in there that was preceded by a hissing noise and she looked at me i'm like don't look at me senor that's all you no i'm wearing two shoes you got a croc foot and a barefoot but i try to be helpful i said so what you want to do maybe is cut back to let's say uno one one uno bag of five guys head over there to the peso last shoe store [Music] and get some grown-up shoes so do any of you guys go to in-n-out burger you guys have heard of it yes oh my gosh i love it i i'm from minnesota where we don't have it and i live in l.a now and i like i think it's super cool and when my family was coming to visit i wanted to impress them so i was like oh my gosh you guys we have to go to in-n-out burger it's so cool and i was amping them up i was talking about it for months and months and months and i was like they have a secret menu you have to know what's on the menu they don't tell you have to know you know and i was just super excited and they were super excited so when the plane landed we i took them directly to in-n-out burger and we get there i'm so excited they're so excited we get in line get up to the line and i cannot remember the name of the secret menu item right do you guys know what it is animal style right i could not remember so i'm in line and my family's watching and i'm just staring at this cashier and i'm just like we would like four burgers unicorn style i stared on the cashier and he goes okay i was like okay and he was like okay it's like okay all right we did it this is great we're doing it yes he goes he goes to make the burgers my family's excited 20 minutes go by we get our burgers it's the same cashier made sure to deliver them to us and he shoves this box of burgers towards us and it's four burgers and they eat chef just one french fries and i'm looking at the cashier and he's looking at me and he's like [Music] and i'm like and he's like yeah and my family's like why do people order it like this [Laughter] i was like i don't know but this place is awesome i just i like crappy food too much i love it i love crabby i ate it of sonics today i found the sonics i thought it was a fictional restaurant just in commercials i need to venture to utah to find the one sonic that they advertise nationwide come to the sonic off of the 15 in utah new york city come on down did it i found a sonic got them tots got that shake baby did it love traveling this never fails every time i go out of town i always just go to a subway that's where i go i could go anywhere when i go to the subway i have one impression for you guys i don't do a lot of impressions this is my impression of somebody who works at subway when you ask for a little mayonnaise someone works at somewhere when you're a little you're gonna get mayonnaise people i figured out how to get a little mayonnaise that stuff will you ask for no mayonnaise you're still gonna get a little squirt like i don't want any mayonnaise manage my sandwich please we're still gonna try to squeak it in there [Laughter] i swear i was on a subway a couple weeks ago i ordered my sandwich i'm like look buddy i don't want any mayonnaise i don't like the mayonnaise it was a young kid working the counter so he's like [Laughter] like no no i reach on the sneeze no and i swear to you he turned around to a camera behind him uh [Laughter] and i was mad at first but then i looked at my sandwich spelled in the mayonnaise and said help me stuff that's going on a couple summers back i was in high school and i'm looking for just like a crappy summer job you know something to just hold me over and you have like the jobs you want and then you have like like the subway tier i call it it works on two levels because subways are below the ground and because the restaurant subway is not a place you want to work mine's called the subway tier anyway did you guys see the subway they say their chicken's only 50 50. you see that only 50 chicken the other 50 percent whatever you see that i love subway i go to let me tell you something i'm all about subway i love subway but remember jared from subway he lost 200 lbs on the subway diet he dropped 200 pounds on the subway diet as i emphasize it by hitting my leg he lost how do you do that you can't do that now that was back when subway was just turkey on wheat but not anymore is delicious you've been to subway lately they got the philly cheese steak they got the sweet onion chicken teriyaki oh my gosh that is good on honey yolk you think pound cake's ordering that your dog on right that's what the pound cakes order in the sweet onion chicken teriyaki they take that they put the salt they put the sauce on there it's amazing but here's my problem with going to subway come on man hook me up i feel like i'm begging you still have to go through that line to get what you want on your sandwich i was at subway earlier today uh would you what would you like on your sandwich i said i want some lettuce please hmm i feel like i'm having the best can i get a little more it's like what you bring the head of lettuce from your house what are you doing is this your personal stash of lettuce give me a glob of lettuce hook me up ask for the sweet onion teriyaki sauce drizzle drizzle you think i won't look at me do i want a drizzle of sweet onion chicken teriyaki sauce hit me hard when you go for the lettuce you're doing i feel like i'm playing blackjack and you're like hit me hit me i'm going to split these and double down will you do that for me please and here's the other situation if you work at subway you're not an artist but i'll call you one if that's what you want to be i'm you're an artist but do me a favor won't you make my sandwich to make you the way you make your personal employee sandwich because i know what's happening back there i know when you make your employee sandwich you're doing it up right when you see this dude in there using his points card you got a problem with that you're getting all skimpy on that and you know you've got all employees sitting back there double hitting the bacon extra mayonnaise hey fatty won't you make your sandwich the way you went by man i got a lot of attitude about subway i don't know what happened i apologize guys but sometimes it just comes from the heart i'm on my legs i'm doing elvis my wife's family is rich they're loaded my wife has an aunt that she's a multi-millionaire she bought a mansion in san diego that she's not even gonna live in for five to ten years she just bought this mansion for later for another time not now that's hard to relate to okay i can kind of relate to it a little bit because sometimes i go to subway and i get a foot long sandwich and i eat half right just half and i save the other half for later for another time not now that is a for later sandwich you guys are fun i have tried a lot of foods i did i tried to eat at subway nine days in a row you ever do that don't do that i had i had a moment of clarity with subway i after nine days i figured out that all the meats the same they just have a guy that spray paints in different colors in the back story one economy 40 kinds of bread though which that can't be true right i think there's two kinds of bread i think there's white and wheat everything else is something they made up that day they get all excited try our new bread of the week bedazzled pumpernickel why is it sparkling or it's a green you want nine grain 20 grain you want 40 grain bread pretty soon it's just gonna be wood right yeah can i get a six inch turkey on is that cedar foot long roast beef on bamboo yeah i wanna toast it and varnish give it a good shellackin all right you know what let's do a little crowd work right that's an important skill for comedian to have so why don't i flex my crowd work muscle real quick here uh you would what do you do for a living online fitness guy i don't have anything for that okay all right what about you buddy where do you work electrical engineering now no what okay now i don't have any attorney stuff does nobody work at subway seriously nobody works at subway all right you know what forget it we're gonna edit this out no one worked at subway you guys ruined it that's fine we're gonna move on we'll move on what else what else oh i was at subway the other day not a fan of subway let me tell you what happened i went in there ordered my sandwich ordered an m m cookie it's a good cookie uh the guy gave me my cookie it had one m m in it that is that is literally the least amount of m ms that you can put in a cookie and still legally call it an eminem cookie and at first i thought maybe it's a mistake then i realized there's not a mistake at all they know exactly what they're doing because i replayed the conversation in my head i said can i get an m m cookie and the guy goes one eminem cooking not cool not cool no i'm married i want to stay married i had my anniversary last october i took my bride out to one of those restaurants where they make the food there right in front of you subway it was hard man i used to work at mcdonald's it's a terrible job but people used to complain all the time at mcdonald's can we agree as a room any complaint that you have at mcdonald's can be answered with it's mcdonald's right you know what you signed up for right diarrhea why are we why are you writing letters what's going on people get upset at me they're really upset they're like uh sir excuse me i'm like you don't have to call me sir okay i'm a child like sir excuse me but somebody's taking a shower in the urinal okay i just thought you should know that i'm like yeah it's mcdonald's this ain't chick-fil-a right yeah it's not my pleasure to be here i'm a hostage okay i should i feel like that should be their slogan right this thing chick-fil-a you want ice cream psych our machine is broken by the papa i took this young lady out to go get something to eat uh she really wasn't that cute i'm gonna be honest so we we end up at mcdonald's [Music] don't don't judge me sir you didn't see her okay you don't know you don't know what i had to go through all right uh at the time my car my car didn't exist i was broke i didn't have one i didn't know it didn't uh she was driving uh we we pull up to the drive-thru it's a very romantic drive-through it's very well lit and everything we can see each other perfectly uh she orders her food but dude couldn't hear her he said excuse me ma'am can you speak up that's all he said to her she went completely nuts for no reason started yelling immediately how did you get a job i know your mama don't love you i said pickles nerd she went nuts after she just finished cussing out the mcdonald's drive-through dude she gonna turn to me talking about so mike what you want to get uh wendy's now i'm not i'm not ordering from this dude why would you yell at him like that i seen this movie it don't work out for us in there yeah drop me off guys i'm not don't drop me off i'm not going away with you drop me home food is getting crazy out of control like this happened a couple weeks ago i went to a mcdonald's that salt shakers on the tables at mcdonald's who's eating mcdonald's going you know what this needs [Music] it's a little bit more salt yeah barely taste it on me i think the hardest part traveling and being a comic and it is it's more about what you eat it's eating healthy and the fast food industry is it's cheap it's right there on the highway so it's hard to resist it's the only industry in the world by the way that can treat you like garbage repeatedly and you still go back [Music] bad experience at a car dealership insurance company you don't go back there but everyone in here has a fast food horror story even back to that same location pretty happy about it [Music] i got a big mac at the drive-thru right not a hard order not complicated there's a couple layers maybe an assembly line process before i get back on the highway i reach over it's really thin from my big mac experience i pick it up uh no meat yeah that's a big part of the mac the meat so do i have this dilemma do i go back inside and argue for my grade f beef it actually made the sandwich healthier i have a thousand island lettuce sandwich [Laughter] the answer is yes you go back inside you talk to the manager ted ted this is embarrassing for both of us i got no meat in my sandwich the response i got from ted the manager with a stray face was are you sure [Laughter] no ted this is the big scam i got running right now i'm stealing patties from fast food places if you could pick it up i got 60 in the car i got a wendy's to knock off two exits down i am the hamburglar [Applause] i think it's good to get fat shamed like that though sometimes like i think that's how he could help with childhood obesity here's my idea i think mcdonald's should make the play place into a giant model of the human heart that way when the fat kid gets stuck in the aorta slide he'll know what he has to look forward to later in life it'll be good for him he'll have an epiphany in there be like yeah i gotta change some things cancel those nuggets mom i'm all stuck up in here my oldest child when he was five years old uh man we had a fun time we went to mcdonald's and the the manager was just having a bad day right you could tell that it's like this you know kind of take your order just like just mad and it doesn't take me any time at all to process oh i'm gonna mess with this person so there i am my five-year-old kid we're trying to get something to eat at mcdonald's and this guy's all mad and ragey and i said yeah i'll take you know the big and tasty whatever meal i was getting that day let me ask my son what he and that's gibberish just so you know i have no idea as a small child when we left iran and i never coached him into this i just thought it'd be funny if i did that and he looked at me because he wanted finally stopped he wants a cheeseburger happy we'll catch up on for real hey guys it's a hard language my dad doesn't even email me at all because you know he can't find the key with the thank you did you guys see this mcdonald's announced they will no longer be using styrofoam they'll be using cardboard i'm thinking sooner or later they're gonna have to use me wow apparently mcdonald's fans in here i'm sorry like i like going to mcdonald's that's a tough thing fast food man that is tough sometimes i go to mcdonald's i don't even buy anything it's the dopest way to go by the way on a full stomach i walk into mcdonald's and sometimes i just look at the menu i watch it flip over from breakfast to lunch a tear comes to my eyes do you need anything sir no just y'all back brought back to mcrib i didn't know y'all gonna do that i follow y'all on twitter y'all didn't send that one out just kind of caught me off guard uh the sandwich has no bones there's ribs with no bones it's made by jesus that's what that stands for um it's incredible so now they put the calorie count in the mcdonald's meal supposed to make you feel bad about eating mcdonald's i can't believe i've been eating all these calories oh personally i like to put the calorie count in the mcdonald's menu because now i know when i'm getting bang for my buck you know what i mean i order whatever has the most calories in it that's the way i work the menu i was like oh i only got two dollars oh no let me get the two double cheeseburgers yeah it's got the most cows there yeah yeah it's a trick i learned in jail watch your boy um look at the two double cheeseburgers do you want a fish sandwich i don't want to get that fish sarah shot it who's ordering seafood at mcdonald's it's not even real fish it's a fish substance patty that they make with tools and paper mache that fish sandwich out here ordering seafood at mcdonald's who goes to mcdonald's for seafood come on you ever been sitting at home so i could go some fish ooh mcdonald's got fish sandwich on the dollar menu so there's a fish no it's not even real fish you ever look behind the mcdonald's counter you ever see iron chefs back there filleting fish scaling fish where's the fish coming from huh glitter tools paper mache tell me mcdonald's doesn't hire fisherman i've never seen that sign in the window want it now inquired in looking for a cashier and a fly fisherman holding tryouts on monday bring your own pole no they don't need fishermen because they make the fish in japan in between sweatshop ships at the nike factory and they email the fish here you enjoy the fish just don't die because if you die they'll blame it on the fish how do you die oh he don't eat the heap of fillet o fish man should have got it at the farmer's market like me man he's just still here but you know gluten took him out [Laughter] what it is stand like this mcdonald's in l.a not too long ago the kid working behind the counter had his pants pulled down a little bit he had this uh bandana hanging out of his pocket his mcdonald's work hat tipped around the side i said who are you with man the mccrips but i had a little bit of that food i'm content though because i i stopped and had the best meal in my life i stopped and had some mcdonald's that's so so i don't think any adult eats mcdonald's nowadays and when they're done eating it they're like that was delicious i think even when kids eat mcdonald's they're like my stomach hurts [Music] but i want to go back tomorrow right what is in it mcdonald's is the only food you eat and you know you messed up when it's in your throat it doesn't even have to get to your stomach you're like i gotta start making mistakes what is this [Music] i don't care what fast food i eat if i order french fries i have to eat every fry like i get depressed if the fries start running out like i reach in the bag i'm like i know there was more fries in this bag where's the rest of those fries then i move the napkin out the way and i find that one little burnt piece of crunchy fry i'm like that's what i'm talking about baby right there [Music] my meal is complete right before today i haven't been to mcdonald's in like six or seven months and i was cleaning out my car and i found some french fries in between the seats yes and the fries look better than they did the day that i bought them i was like how is there no bacteria on these fries you know how bad of a food you have to be for mold to be like i don't eat that [Music] that's a horrible food [Music] someone was like did you eat the fries i did lick one of them it was still salty i didn't eat it though i was like this is super salt how is it still there i was telling one of my friends about that on the way here i was like yo i found french fries in between my seats she was like you found french fries she was like i found a burger in between my seats it was like a burger i was like what like a wrapped up burger she was like no just a patty i said who loses a burger patty in between their seats how dirty is your car that you can lose a patty i've never once went to mcdonald's who was eating a cheeseburger and the meat fell from between the bun and i just kept eating it like oh i guess this is just a ketchup onion cheese mustard pickle sandwich how did you lose the patty uh i went to mcdonald's up the street and i went to the drive-thru and i got like a number two and i got up to the window and this rather large lady leaned out she goes 5.85 i was like at least or whatever i always do stuff like that i'll never be able to lose the weight that i want to lose as long as mcdonald's keep randomly coming out with the mcgrib i can't turn that down and i'm ashamed of it i've never loved a more indescribable piece of meat before in my life you ever see a migrant it's a creepy sandwich buy one buy one take the bun off of it see if he can get creeped out comes out random times every six years the mcrib is back i'm pretty sure there's someone in the back mcdonald's warehouse like man we just found eight more boxes mcribs where's the expiration date uh 1984 get it out it's still good people try to defend it it's boneless but the maiden look lock has got bones it's creepy the mcgreen was a human being to be a pedophile that's how creepy there's just hopping out of bushes badass [Laughter] oh and i have a lot of fat jokes i don't have a problem with fat people i have a problem with people who make excuses right there's nothing i could have done differently to be not a freak of nature right you know oh i'm i'm not fat i'm big boned i'm big boned okay let's they're gonna find my skeleton and think it was a t-rex i know i have a glandular problem i have a glandular problem the mcdonald's is not a gland [Music] mom and i know she's going to watch this special and just be like i could go for a mcgland right now dip that little barbecue little mcgland uh like i said we went to went to italy first time in europe first time in europe it was uh it was fun there's a lot of things that people don't really know about at least i didn't for one almost everybody in europe smokes all the time it was raining this was a very common occurrence we had uh people would be riding a bike while holding an umbrella and a cigarette in the other hand and we're just looking out of the mcdonald's window like that's so unhealthy and i know a lot of people who have been to italy get really angry when i tell them that we went to mcdonald's but just i just i had to have it i had to have some that's the american embassy right there mcdonald's all that great food choices i'm like no i'm gonna go with i'm gonna go with mickey d's okay and uh we're just you know i actually we almost missed our train to venice because of how badly i wanted to try italian mcdonald's it was an honest mixtape here's a problem like i said i can't i have a hard time talking to people like just in general right i have like though you ever have like the word word mumbles you know i'm talking about like i think i'm gonna say something but by the time it's in my mouth it's all scrambled up and weird right like i said i i didn't want to go up to girl and hit on her and be like hey girl [Music] um did you get that face at mcdonald's because i'm loving it [Music] right that's how it happens what happens is i walk with the lady i'm like hey your face looks like a chicken mcnugget i got honey mustard in the truck you want to take a dip i just felt happy around her like i fell around her how i do around cake that's all which that's the benefit of food over people because you can tell food how you feel never gonna block you on instagram ever never gonna do that right you'll never see a mcdonald's commercial where the guy's like i'm loving it and all of a sudden ronald mcdonald busted from the back oh no oh love love okay well we have other customers i had a gig the other night i call it up i'm like hey i'm almost home i'm starving i'm going to stop and get a mcdonald's mcdonald's i can't believe you're still going there the fat content's so high we don't know where they get their beef get me a sundae i did get stuck in line i don't know if this is normal for around here there was an older lady she was complaining about everything that's happened over the last six weeks yeah she's probably still there right now just going off on the cashier like everything the weather the line the prices there was no topic off bound and then she said she said to the cashier she goes last week i ate two big macs and i wanted to kill myself that's what she said i whispered the guy in front of me i was like i haven't eaten any big macs and i want to kill her come on sweep the leg get her out of the way let's go and then he whispered back that's my mom he's like i want to kill her too remember the good old days if you didn't like to go to a restaurant you just didn't go there again right if you didn't like something you go you know what i won't go back to wherever that is again i won't go back to sizzler because i didn't they didn't whatever but no we got to get on our devices and we got to chime in and we got to make sure that everyone hears and they need to know what i think and i'm going to give them one star it's like we're trying to get somebody fired relax get over yourself give it a couple of months they'll get their stuff together and then they'll make a nice steak for you but in the meantime don't be a whole nation of whiner reviewers it is amazing to me how wow and i would give that five stars what i just said but no but everyone here's the deal you get on yelp why are you trying to get somebody fired from their gig my french fries at mcdonald's were cold you know what that's what you're gonna get they're paying these guys 10 bucks an hour what are you expecting you're expecting ruth chris steakhouse it ain't happening baby you know why you went to mcdonald's because you're cheap that's why no but places you know like to try to help are putting the calorie count on menus you know so you go to fast food restaurants like food item price calorie count you know you guys have seen it it's supposed to help you make a better decision let's just say it's never changed the way i order it's just changed the scenario so now when i'm at mcdonald's by myself on a tuesday at midnight alone [Music] by myself in my stretchies it's like hey mcdonald's employee let's take this already low point in both of our lives and add about 1700 calories to it and you better turn on that ice cream machine sean you better turn it on i think sometimes we give god credit for stuff he doesn't want credit for like uh recently had a friend pass away suddenly and my other friends were like why did god have to take jerry so soon i guess you just need another angel in heaven i was like yeah yeah yeah maybe um also jerry ate mcdonald's three meals a day uh [Music] jerry did not take care of himself and i think we got to meet him halfway uh [Music] i'm just saying if jerry is an angel in heaven he's not one of the ones that fly uh that's all i'm saying [Music] maybe he does the books uh it's gonna be different jobs right i travel a lot and i i can't always eat great you know because i'm like a like i'm like a trucker hauling jokes and i hit a lot of fast food and i hate fast food i just i hate the service i really hate how hard is it to put a couple daggon napkins in a bag hey just for kicks tomorrow morning go through the drive through at mcdonald's and go yeah i was here last night and uh i think i left my kids in the playland y'all see a couple kids running around this morning y'all come in why they look like sir like a mama my wife a wife can't stand the service you get to drive through she loves it her idea her idea came home one day she's like you still got that starting pistol used back in high school when you ran track oh yeah i was out in the garage get it we're going mcdonald's welcome mcdonald's gonna take your order please give me a two cheeseburgers two large fries two large cokes i don't like cheese it's fattening well shut the heck up everything okay after sir i don't i'm sorry two cheeseburgers two large fries two large cloves i want the head coat look i don't need this the first day i get out of jail i will use his gun you don't have the guts so i get the starting pistol out [Laughter] [Music] yeah make that one cheeseburger [Applause] can i get a couple extra napkins i don't think the wrapper from the straw is gonna cut it try to eat all right better i mean but it's all it's hard on the road some you know they eat the fast food mcdonald's burger king these places you know sometimes you go to mcdonald's or burger king sometimes if people work there they're sharp you know they're sharp and they're on the ball you know sometimes sometimes other times you gotta wonder you gotta wonder what that hiring interview was like you know please come in sit down can you mumble can you mumble can you mumble without making eye contact would you be willing to goof around with your co-workers while the customer grows impatient great i think it'd be good candidate for our management training program we're going to have you watch an eight-minute training video then we'll put you on the front counter the training video it'll show you how to jam so many napkins into a dispenser that people wouldn't be able to get one out of the stick of dynamite people get their own drinks now people get their own drinks just gotta hand them a cup and when you hand them a cup when you hit them make sure your fingers are sticking down inside the cup that's our that's our policy then you give them a bag of food and you're all done there's no need to say thank you because you wrote that on the trash box yeah it's we carved it into the trash box they'll see that when they clean up after themselves i said i was trying earlier i think i can be honest with you we both know i'm not trying like at all that's how you look like this by not trying every day [Music] today i went to mcdonald's twice first time was on purpose i think the second was just a combination of road hypnosis and muscle memory it's twice in the same day that's nothing try going twice in the same shift that's a that's an experience right there you pull up to the menu order your food they say pull around and you do because you're hungry and obedient and you get to the window and you see that same person recognize you from earlier and just start questioning everything you're like am i stuck in a time loop or is this just the saddest man on the planet not being the regular at a diner or a cafe that's cool you stroll in they treat you like part of the family being the regular at an arby's is way less glamorous you walk in there i got him again better fire up the second fryer i'm gonna get more curly fries out of the freezer stop i am from the south too i love being southern i love the food i love the people i love the hospitality my only issue with the south everybody in the south has an accent a thick thick accent i was at a fast food restaurant in south carolina i decided to order in my best redneck southern accent when it came time i spoke into the machine i was like hey this is day y'all will give me a dang ol number three make it my way lettuce pickles tomatoes cheese top it off with a big old mountain dew oh he's here awesome i can't make this up person taking my order comes that way 10-4 now this is cooter we read you loud and clear brother now now hey we gotta make it you're dang all white cause you're the king here at burger king brother i'm gonna need you to pull around the window number three cause man we go [Music] guys when i pulled my car around the person taking my order was chinese that's a heck of an accent right there taco bell recently announced i guess it turns out it's the most healthy fast food restaurant in america that's a real sentence i just said that blew my mind honestly you guys because i know not one person in the history of the world that has walked into a taco bell and thought i'm here to make good decisions no no i've never seen a wine at the drive-thru at taco bell in the daytime because we're all waiting for the sun to go down cause we're ashamed cause taco bell tastes better between the hours of two and three in the morning when we're incapable of making good decisions no hate to taco bell totally love it if they ever want to sponsor me i'm totally down i had a taco bell for lunch which hey look i like it i like taco bell i think i think it's fine i think it's good i just don't tell people i like it because they always say the same thing to me like you know it's not real mexican food like yeah there's a taco made out of a dorito i got it news flash folks nobody thinks taco bell is real mexican food when you go into el pollo loco nobody's like hey you know those chickens aren't actually crazy taco bell they they crack me up right because they know if you're gonna eat there you're gonna eat there right nobody's on the fence about taco bell nobody's like well let's just wait and see what the next commercial looks like you know if you're gonna go back or not and taco bell knows that that's why they can put out a product that has the exact same ingredients as three other products on their current menu they just change the name and or shape of it and we'll make you feel dumb for asking about it they're like what we have for the spring this is seasoned steak lettuce cheese tomato and sour cream encased in a flour tortilla anybody have any questions um yeah that sounds like a steak burrito well it's not okay the steak burrito is rolled up okay with this we fold the sides in we press it with a t-shirt iron i don't know what's so hard to understand about the technology we've invested in the crunchwrap so what are we calling it to crunchwrap they're desserts they don't even try with their desserts they just take some other dessert you're kind of familiar with and change it a little bit you know we have cinnabon bites isn't that just a cut up cinnabon i mean yeah but we cut it up for you okay you could say gracias we took the time to put it into this drink cup that was already sitting right here how much of the lifting do we have to do [Music] i remember a couple years ago the hostess company went bankrupt and then like a month later some mysterious entity saved them from bankruptcy i thought for sure it was taco bell i was waiting for that commercial for years i was waiting for that commercial right just it's a twinkie burrito we have stuffed a twinkie full of taco meat deep fried it sir would you like twinkie cream or sour cream i don't care if it's coffee cream i would like my twinkie burrito some fire sauce two ho ho loopers and a mountain dew the blue mountain dew too i want the baja is that taco bell i'm not bragging i'm just telling you where it was behind the counter that a charity event you can give a dollar on top of your order and you know feel better about yourself for 48 seconds but i don't want the attitude when i don't want to give i place my order she goes you want to give a dollar to this charity you know it goes on top of your order i'm like no i give him my own way she goes she goes i was like i'm sorry she goes you don't care about people's health i was like man i am eating a taco bell i don't care about my own health a lot of traveling with this job too man um gosh and just when you travel it's just easy to eat fast food but i would eat fast food if i wasn't traveling because fast food's the best food um taco bell is the best thing ever where's my taco bell yes [Applause] love it thank you like i love it i just don't know what to do with it when people try to ruin it for you like the healthy people like when you eat it in front of them they're always like that's gross man don't you know how they make that and i'm like no but i wish i would love to make this at home like save more money i've got these friends they know i like they make their own food they're weird man um they know i love the quesadilla at taco bell and they're always like lee we can make you a quesadilla that's better than taco bell i'm like yeah but can i come to your house at 2 am and get it is that what you want me to drive to your house to your window yell for food at 1am i'll do it and they try to groce you out with the nutrition facts like we care like but the meat they use it's a great c meat it's grade c and i'm like you know what i was a c student too that is a passing grade we're doing just fine and we get by on seas we're good i was into one taco bell once before i could order the guy at the counter he stopped me he's like dude i just gotta let you know something um the meat pump is broken the meat pump is that what you call your toilet like oh no we're at taco bell that makes sense like and that's the other stereotype i don't care for that they always give on taco bell oh taco bell makes a poop makes you go to the bathroom i'm like what food doesn't make you go to the bathroom [Music] when's there ever anything to brag about like yeah i went to a vegan place last month still hadn't pooped let's see for the longest time i thought ariana grande was a meal at taco bell he's like it's not [Music] i thought that was the number six mountain dew light ice let's go what's happening today i love fast food i went to taco bell for dinner tonight i did that oh you guys like it or um [Laughter] use my credit card to pay for it uh because my career is on fire right now how sad your life has become when you have to finance a chalupa you know you're like all right zip it through see what happens [Laughter] i had this awkward moment with the lady behind the counter because she asked if she could see id with the credit card just to make sure that the credit card wasn't stolen is that a thing in america now stealing credit cards the first place you take it is taco bell for real that's for you we're gonna max this baby out dollar 89 at a time forget the plasma screen tv you morons i'm going to make it rain chalupa getting this party started this is pretty awkward this has never happened to me before i went through the drive-through window today right got my fast food bag put it on the passenger car seat and the passenger car seat belt light came on it's like how much food did i order if the car thinks there's another human being in the car still ate it it's fantastic so good i have been working in public education for eight years and i do not have a teaching license [Laughter] i'm not qualified for my job but i'm the best one at it you can see the confusion [Laughter] like imagine like as an adult i applied for a taco bell i did not get hired at the taco bell which meant that i was not capable of reheating bean pouches of diarrhea but somehow i'm capable of teaching walking bean pouches of diarrhea it's crazy crazy it's cool when i was in high school i i was a big fan of spanish and so when i was in high school i had the opportunity to like go to mexico to study abroad you know which was super cool for like a spanish class which was crazy my parents say anything was a good idea to send me anything it was safe so i just did the next best thing um i got a job in a taco bell [Laughter] so i'm gonna be fluent in like three weeks you know what i'm saying i'm kidding that's stupid that's stupid that's a lot you guys know mexicans don't work at taco bell you know that's all black people all black people and then white people working like chick-fil-a or starbucks you know what i'm saying i think you're choosing chick-fil-a my name's stacy how can i help you today it's crazy and i know black people work at taco bell too because they're stingy with their meat you know what i'm saying you know what i'm talking about like have you tried like doritos locos tacos or whatever they give you like a little bit of meat then throw a salad on top of your taco i'm like devonta you better take this bag [Music] devonte is a black person's name that's why that's funny here's a thing that happened recently i laughed at my mom so hard in public that she started yelling at me you know here's the backstory have you ever by the way laughing so hard like falling down in the aisle at the grocery store and i laughed here's what happened she told me her dog had diabetes okay and i started laughing so hard no it's so fat of course it does you know it's so big and she was like it's not funny how could i have known he has diabetes and i'm like probably because he looks like a propane tank with legs that's how you know there were so many clues he's huge of course he's diabetic and then also you feed him people food all the time i caught her feeding him doritos locos tacos from taco bell once it's like why are you why are you feeding him the more expensive tacos you know she is true she goes he prefers them what did he tell you that what is happening here also he's a chihuahua we get it you know it's ridiculous i saw this on the sign outside mcdonald's the big sign the marquee or whatever it said now hiring apply inside yeah apply inside apparently they've determined that there's a big problem [Music] they come with potential employees just driving right by you know it's just just potential yeah i'd like to get a job at that mcdonald's but where do you where do you go to apply i don't know i think i think you go downtown to the sheriff's department it's all political it's who you know sometimes sometimes they put sometimes you put this now hiring inquire within that's pretty fancy language for a taco bell isn't it did you ever talk like that it's like shakespeare at the damn side i just want to go in there is the manager within oh manager oh manager where file dial manager surely within the confines of these walls to make chalupas or not to make chalupas i was here yesterday to no avail inquire within inquire within i guess when you're gonna go you're gonna quit you've got to give them your fortnight notice you know i shan't be returning to be back they have no idea the electronic trail they leave everywhere on the phone on the computer all day they don't realize there's little footprints everywhere sometimes easy to follow i go to bed the other night do the things that dads do turn off all the lights put the thermostat back where it goes close the cabinets go to sleep at 11 30 wake up at seven in the morning there's a taco bell bag on my counter my boy comes in cracking nude what's up you go out last night no taco bell bag i don't know nothing about that really i went on your bank account saw a charge for taco bell somebody must have stolen my card so somebody broke into my house last night found your wallet took your atm card cracked your pin code spent three dollars broke back into the house replaced the card undetected left trash on the counter what do you think of that crime dude slipped up dude slipped up my dad is uh i'm mixed race actually my dad is white from michigan and my mom is white from ohio so it's uh yeah it's a nice mix nice border joke some of you got that okay very good um so yeah it's it's fun but i i've never gotten past food i you know um drugs and alcohol aren't really necessary you know when there's taco bell like i'm sorry it says it's like now that heroin i'm gonna get a mexican pizza you know this looks good one of the ladies i work with she challenged me she's like you know what if you serious about getting in shape you should try yoga and i was like yoga you can't challenge me to do something and think i won't do it all right so i did it i went to the yoga studio i signed up problem was i accidentally signed up for hot power yoga [Applause] and if you don't know what hot power yoga is let me tell you they put you in there for 90 minutes in a floor with just wood floor and stuff like that and then they turn the thermostat all the way up you cannot challenge me to do anything in this world without me preparing so on my way to hot power yoga i stopped at taco bell and got my usual [Applause] i love that guy back there he's my new friend so i'm in this class and we're about 45 minutes into it right and i'm in downward dog at this point and you think i'm sweating now [Music] lake havasu was forming underneath me and the funny part about it there was a really cute girl next to me and lake havasu was getting closer misty the instructor was like shaking her head throughout the class i was already mad because they don't make yoga mats for fat people like me okay there was no cup holder for my diet pepsi about an hour into the class i hear this misty focuses on me at this point in time they put me in the final position in the final pose which is child's pose huddled up in a little ball you all know what a jake break sounds like when it lets loose it misty's hair blew back like it was hiroshima people were running for the room [Music] point is i'm no longer welcome at hot power yoga [Music] did something today i haven't done for a long time went to a fast food restaurant i haven't been to a fast food restaurant in a million years because the last time i went to a fast food restaurant i just walked in asked the guy for a soda he just handed me a cup i just at they made me pour my own soda just walked and asked him for a 7-up he just and i'm this must be a diet seven then he said did you want fries or that and i said i'm not if you're going to give me a knife and a potato i stood there being kind of stupid being from out of town i'm always out of town but and no he just finally notes my convince sir you pour it over there oh oh i pour it over there oh thank you thank you and next time i'm just gonna bring a thermos i won't even have to chat with you i could have saved a buck in a quarter and brought my own cup this time what's next i'll be frying a burger at home they're just gonna send me a bill it's been a long day you're running errands doing a bunch of stuff you get a chance to get anything to eat on your way home you decide let's stop at the fast food place get some food and take it back to the house and while ordering your man turns to you and says would you like some french fries and you say no that was your chance there is no reason that once we pull to the window they hand us the bag now we can't drive with a bag so we hand you the bag now it's a race to get home because you're sitting there talking and eating and talking and eating and those are our fries that is the sound of men who have lost many a french fry in the battlefield of life i mean we love you to death ladies but oh my goodness you getting there you start eating and just talking and in the middle you have this realization you go you know what those aren't even my fries you're right they're not your fries you had your chance said this one night a woman looked me dead in the face and said they taste better when they're his and every man's head in the room exploded and every woman did exactly what you did yeah that's right finally someone put that into words that's exactly right

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 5,696,229

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, fast food, taco bell, wendy's, mcdonald's, burger, mukbang, eating out, restaurant

Id: 3ypZxO0Cht0

Length: 98min 11sec (5891 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 16 2021