Jokes About EVERY Diet Ever. Dry Bar Comedy

i don't i don't eat those because i'm vegan you know and uh the reason the reason i became vegan is because i found that is the fastest way to bug the crap out of everyone around me i don't i don't know why people get so upset at what i'm not eating like oh the vegans coming to dinner we're gonna have to get some unicorn sprouts and some leprechaun feathers why is she doing this to me some guy in the midwest got really mad and he goes that's not american not eating meat hitler didn't eat meat and i was like well yeah but he ate dairy and he tried to kill all the jews that's the two differences between me and hitler right there we're both average painters i went to meet her mom her mom's a vegan when we were dating i went to meet her mom you know vegan that's not vegetarian vegan you can't even cook while a chicken is watching she hates that joke don't say the thing about i shouldn't do her voice doesn't sound like that don't say the thing about the chicken did i went to i went to meet him i never had vegan food before i was nervous first time i'm meeting her i remember you know then my you know my fiance opened the door and there was her mother milking almonds which is weird because almonds is the cat no no animal was hurt in the making of that joke that never but she made like this this vegan feast to welcome me into the home like not not a meal appetizers entrees desserts tables fullest and i'm meeting her for the first time i ate everything i ate for three and a half hours and i remember i went and sat on the couch and went oh my god am i hungry 14 plates 12 calories what the heck just happened here you think a vegan is meditating no they're passing out get help quickly i got in trouble too because she said to me what do you drink in your tea i don't drink tea but i tried to bluff i'm like um honey vegans don't believe in honey they think that bees should unionize i don't know i don't know got all upset they used smoke to calm the bees down did you know that you smoke to calm the bees down i said i did the same thing in college it wasn't at byu i don't need any of it because i'm a vegan isn't that weird i'm a vegan you know what that means it means that i don't uh that i don't have any friends that's what that means they can lift their own body weight that's a myth by the way that's a myth the other myth is about animals i don't really i don't i could care less i mean i have friends that are like well you love animals so much you ought to marry animals like it's not about that it's about health that's why i do it for health reasons right yeah okay you're with me it's for health reasons as a matter of fact animals had less to fear from us when we were eating them because we only had to kill one to eat for weeks now i'm competing for the same garden i gotta kill all those varmints if i see a rabbit looking at my carrots i'll punt his whole family i don't care dude i'm waterboarding the squirrels to find out what time the deer show up i'm not messing around that's my garden i'm an anti-animal vegan for the nra i don't want to shoot them somebody's gotta load up nugent take your positions everybody's got an opinion nowadays though there are some opinions i know i don't trust like have you ever had a vegan tell you something tastes good it is a garbage opinion disregard it immediately i'm always like you don't eat bacon you don't know what you're talking about the part in your brain that processes happiness has long since died [Music] it's like you're blind but in your mouth that's like getting music suggestions from a deaf friend and i know that's rude to deaf people to compare them to vegans but i don't care i'll talk all the snack i want about vegans too they're too weak to fight me what's up did you get your protein from lentils scary are any pregnant vegan ladies here i'll find them right now other than that i'm a non-confrontational pacifist and that's the other stereotype i don't care for that they always give on taco bell oh tacopa makes a poop makes you go to the bathroom i'm like what food doesn't make you go to the bathroom [Music] when's there ever anything to brag about okay i went to a vegan place last month still hadn't pooped hmm [Music] i watched this documentary recently too about like the uh about the horrors of the meat industry and it made such a big impact on me that i turned vegan for the duration of the film like you know what i'm not going to touch this cheeseburger for another 45 minutes and 13 seconds yeah i'm trying to eat healthy i tried being vegan for a while didn't work they kicked me out so many rules with the vegans if you eat mostly plants but some meat then you're a flexitarian if you eat mostly plants and some fish you're a pescetarian if you eat mostly plants and drink alcohol you're episcopalian i think there's so many rules who can keep track on the back of the prius a bumper sticker save the earth everything is green and out the window a hand with a cigarette you've seen it it's like the vegan with the leather gucci purse be as righteous as you want to be but just be consistent right and vegans make me laugh they say stuff like this i wouldn't eat anything that had a face really then i saw a vegan eating french fries and i thought my mr potato head had a face and in fairness i look like this because i'm from texas yeah this is what hours of wearing a football helmet and extreme heat will do to your head and i'm hardcore texan sixth generation texan yeah if you're more texan than me you are mexican that's uh yeah that's that's historically accurate joke folks so if you didn't laugh at it learn from it [Music] one of the perks of being from texas is people love to stereotype like i have been told more than once that i look like an extra from a tornado film i don't know if you've picked up on that and that's fair because yeah you know what i'm a connoisseur of barbecue you know what else can't spell the word connoisseur i can't a solid stereotyping some people think texas are stupid yeah we are yeah my best friend growing up was afraid of prisms and i thought they were devices that could turn light gay i'm not proud of that at all i wasn't much better for most of my childhood i thought french people and vegans were fictional characters from literature so we were done it's interesting i shouldn't even been there man i've been on i tried to do like this vegan diet thing and it's not because like i'm trying to like be healthy or be it's like you most people like i'm v it's not because i'm better than you like i'm not doing it because you know animal cruelty i could care less you know i'll kick flip a tiger on the way home here's my animal cruelty i'm not doing it because i'm better than you i'm doing it because i have a netflix account that's basically it anything you do for fun netflix has a documentary that will ruin your day i found out on netflix 50 of black people are lactose intolerant who knew i called my grandmother i'm like she's gonna be shocked she's been black longer than me brace yourself granny you're not gonna believe what i found out on netflix fifty percent of black people are lactose intolerant nobody told me they didn't tell me either put that klondike bar down that is tearing the black community apart my friend wanted to get lunch the other day but she's like i'm vegan now i was like oh here we go with that whole thing i was like do you want to go to cafe gratitude the vegan restaurant and she was like well i'm also gluten free so can we go to the juice bar and i was like how about we just never speak again let's just move on with our lives been some great weddings my my cousin got married on the beach in florida that was the nice one this is like 10 years ago it was one of the best weddings ever went to it's very lab i should read the reception in our meals chicken there's a little car on the table says tonight's entree free-range chicken 10 years ago i didn't know what that was so that's the waitress was like what does that mean free-range chicken she's really into it she's like oh i see most chicken they grow up squished up in a cage their whole life this chicken grew up free on the range so everyone enjoy i was like all right let me see if i can taste the difference here let me you know you're right this chicken tastes like it used to be happy like what's the difference this one tastes depressed i'm sending it back i don't need that chicken i can't eat this chicken if you're like a a vegan or something you know i'm just joking don't get upset some people take that very seriously just a joke i understand the logic behind the free-range chickens i've seen the documentaries just kidding around i say that because i did that joke i was in hartford connecticut and i did that joke and after the show because of that joke this vegan guy wanted to beat me up but yeah but because he's a vegan uh he couldn't yeah yeah you lack the essential vitamins and proteins necessary to throw a decent punch plus you see it coming because the skin's translucent just watch the muscles contract like uppercut you telegraph that butter yeah celery stick go get it man i love animals i i keep thinking i should probably be like a vegan or a vegetarian but man i never make it past breakfast if i'm honest you know what i had for breakfast today i had chicken and some eggs like i don't care which one came first i'm taking the whole family house i'm ruthless my husband and i just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary 24 years he's awesome after 24 years you'd think there wouldn't be any surprises but he called me up and he said hey i got somebody to tell you i've been thinking about this you might want to sit down i've decided to become a vegan and i'm a supportive wife so i said honey that sounds terrible are you sure and he said yes and he's doing it he gets up every morning at 6 a.m he puts he puts fruits and vegetables in a very loud blender and then he tries to make me drink it i made this one with kale and wheat grass and almond milk try it i'm like no don't you want to be healthy no no i want bacon [Applause] and eggs and sausage and cheese and hamburgers and hot dogs and happiness i want to eat all the parts of all the farm animals he said i made this with almond milk it's really good it tastes like a milkshake no it does not it tastes like grass clippings it does not taste like a milkshake no and just because you put the word milk after the word almond doesn't make it milk and the dairy farmers are very upset about this the dairy farmers want us to call almond milk what it really is nut juice [Applause] it was on the news it was on the news oh i'd like a really tall cold glass of nut juice i'd like to dip my oreo cookies in nut juice ew um oh because i don't want to offend anybody but is it okay to talk about hunting like is it okay yeah okay i figured you guys have great hunting up here and i'm a big hunter i got a ten point buck this year uh and it did not mess my truck up like i thought it was going to that was some good eating once i scraped it off but anyway but my dad knows we grew up very poor like really poor you know like we had to eat cereal with a fork to save on milk and [Laughter] everybody get it that's gonna get it okay no child left behind okay but my dad and i were reminiscing because i told him about the buck i got and my dad and i were because we grew up very poor so we had to hunt and we would go duck hunting and i'm sorry if that offends anybody in this theater tonight but that is a beautiful father-son moment duck hunting in the morning the sun would be coming up my dad and i'd be hiding under the slide by the swing set and i'd be tearing off the bread the ducks had come waddling out [Laughter] you know right [Laughter] you know i'm kidding okay they didn't waddle like that [Laughter] anyway i shared all this with the texas national vegan society they got so angry i wasn't even thinking it through they got mad they threw organic tomatoes at me and yeah but they were vegan so they weren't strong enough to hit the stage so i mean you can turn on the tv and know how we feel about food there's a reason there's not a show called gluten-free vegan cupcake wars no one wants to watch it nobody's like hey did you see salad boss last night yeah crazy and vegans i don't know if there's any vegans in here with enough strength to raise your hand is there one to self is that her was that someone calling out for me help me i need a burger i'm envious of vegans if you can do it good for you fine about that life i've had one vegan experience it did not go well i'm in jacksonville florida i'm walking down the street i passed a bakery with all these beautiful things in the window so i just kind of poke my head and i go excuse me ma'am what are those on the bottom she says that's a root beer float donut and it just came out of the oven about 20 minutes ago do you want one i was like no i want two but only put one in the bag because the other one ain't making it out of this store so she hands me the one over the counter i take a bite as we walk to the register and i was like nope she's like sir did you know this is a vegan baker i was like nope she's like yep that's what i figured she goes see this sign right here it says no product contains an ingredient that comes from an animal and i was like well that's ironic because this is some bullsh no listen i didn't say it i didn't say it but i should have because she deserved to hear it and you do deserve to hear it she should have known when i came through that door that i was in the wrong place look at me look at me i guarantee i don't look like any of her regulars okay and i would've had a lot more respect for her if she would have been like uh sir i think you might want the place down the street yeah that's okay it happens all the time it's right down the street love everything you're looking for milk eggs butter taste right down the street just yeah i don't know maybe two blocks i'm sure you'll call an uber you can wait in here i know it's at least 70 degrees with no humidity outside i wouldn't want you melting all i'm saying is i don't know who came up with that phrase looks can be deceiving but i bet they just walked out of a vegan bakery that's what i'm trying to say i'm talking this uh talking this girl named april who's a vegetarian which is stupid she was like animals have feelings too i was like yeah they also have great taste so so that changes she's like yeah have you ever even eaten a salad i was like yeah but it's inside a hamburger that's that's where that belongs i didn't surprise her though uh i actually did a six-month vegetarian diet um just dead silence that's the correct response that was great i did uh for six months straight ain't nothing but vegetarians which have more meat in them than i thought they would uh i don't eat meat which i only talk about because otherwise the next couple of jokes don't make sense i'm not preachy but i'm not gonna give you pamphlets after the show don't worry about it you guys are adults live your lives uh but i was at a barbecue over the summer at a friend's house and before they fired up the grill they're like hey if anybody would like one we have some veggie burgers and veggie dogs in the freezer we'd be happy to put one on for you before i could say anything this drunk lady calls out she's like no i don't care if you don't eat meat you don't get to eat something that's shaped like meat and i'm like well that's a very strong opinion about what other people eat but also lady i don't know what shape you think meat is but it's not a cylinder that's not it's not how that comes normally i'm not a pushy vegetarian don't worry about it uh like for example my wife and kids eat me well not the baby because she doesn't have all her teeth it'd be weird if she was gumming down on a steak but my wife and older daughter eat meat but just to make things easier we usually don't have it in the house so we have like these fake chicken nuggets that we make for my daughter sometimes but we went out to dinner with my in-laws one night and they got her regular chicken nuggets and we told her and we're like oh sweetie there's a regular chicken nugget not like we have at home she's like so this used to be a chicken and i'm like yeah and i'm thinking look that kid loves animals this is where she comes over to daddy's side she's like somebody killed it and turned it into a nugget and battered and fried it and i'm like yup and she without breaking eye contact with me just goes awesome and puts the whole thing in my mouth yeah it's all good though good times in the miller house me and my wife we agree on all the big important stuff except for one thing and it's kind of a big one my wife does not eat meat because she feels bad about killing the little baby animals are the vegetarians here that's twice as many as we have in the midwest in the midwest of vegetarians like somebody who takes the bacon off the cheeseburger you know [Laughter] two animals per sandwich minimum minnesota state law i'm with you guys i'm not a vegetarian but it causes some friction with milady sometimes you know especially when we go out to dinner but it gave me a great idea i'm gonna open up a vegetarian compromise restaurant we're still gonna serve meat but only the parts the animals can afford to live without [Laughter] and out back we'll have the world's saddest petting zoo [Music] me and my wife have an agreement i can still cook meat in the house but we have to do all of our grocery shopping at the hippie co-op grocery store oh so expensive at that place like you go to buy a jar of olives it's like eight bucks but the whole reason it's eight dollars is there's a little sticker on the label that says like no malaysian children were harmed in the making of these olives which is great but eight bucks but it's either that you go down to the regular grocery store you get the two dollar sad malaysian kid olives you feel like a jerk all day long meet me in the middle co-op what about like five dollar olives and the malaysian kids just kind of hate their jobs like the rest of us if vegetarians can only eat vegetables couldn't they eat meat if the cow's brain dead got a couple ranchers in the corner that's a good idea right there 100 vegetarian beast [Music] it's amazing what you do for somebody when you first meet them though right when you're in that wooing stage like you'll do stuff you wouldn't typically do to impress them that's just human nature like my ex-girlfriend was a vegetarian when i met her i stopped eating meat and i'm not proud of that i'm just saying like i know i did it for her because as soon as she dumped me i couldn't get to wendy's fast enough i was like yeah give me five baconators trying to cover up this heartache with some angina i don't even eat them all just went home got naked rub the patties on my chest just waxing on and off like a heartbroken karate kid i'm gonna tell you a little something surprising about me i'm a vegetarian and uh sometimes people get immediately offended by just my mentioning how i've chosen to live my life i was doing a series of casino shows in the in michigan the upper peninsula of michigan and that is big hunter country those those hunters hunt with crossbows they do not mess around and all i said was i'm a vegetarian and there was a guy at the back of the showroom was about 500 yards for me big casino show him a guy 500 yards away from me and he was 360 pounds if he was an ounce all in camouflage which clearly wasn't working and all i said was i'm a vegetarian and he goes oh he shouts on the back of the room oh yeah what's your belt made out of now normally i don't wear a belt because if i want to keep my pants up i use food [Laughter] tonight i'm wearing a belt but that night i was not and i showed him i'm not wearing a belt and he goes oh yeah well what are your shoes made out of and i showed him that like tonight i'm wearing canvas shoes and a comedian with a survival instinct would have moved on i do not appear to be that comedian so instead of moving on i thought let me linger and see what happens [Laughter] so i said to this guy i said but sir i have to say for a big burly hunter dude you seem awfully fascinated with my accessories i don't remember anything after that but i woke up three days later in indiana there it is i uh i'm trying to uh trying to get healthier though uh as i get older i'm trying to do it without exercising because that's not any fun at all it's terrible so my first idea was i became a vegetarian and when i became a vegetarian i realized there's a whole bunch of different levels there's some very serious vegetarians they won't even use a utensil if it has ever touched meat that seems like a very difficult way to live i'm more laid back about it like if i go to a restaurant and i order a salad no bacon bits and the waiter forgets brings me a hamburger seems bad to be wasteful right a waste not want not vegetarian i'm a ozark vegetarian yeah i have a cookbook i'm sure i can see by the interest i have a cookbook i'll be selling after the show called the white trash vegan cookbook it is all chicken recipes [Music] it's my first draft it's my first draft i'm still working on that i got a lot of vegetarian friends i've tried to accommodate them when they come over to my place i have a 20 foot by 20 foot section of grass in the backyard [Laughter] every once in a while one of them will eat fish and he feels so guilty like what's the matter with you look at it this way the fish is dead he's brain dead so technically he's a vegetable [Applause] and he yells at me he goes larry you say you love animals but how come you eat them that's why i eat them i love them and besides remember that plane that crashed in the andes the survivors ate all the food on the plane and when it was gone they resorted to cannibalism hey they loved humanity but it was a way to survive if i have to choose between starvation and munching on an ear pass the ketchup every time i get on a plane now i see all the passengers as a buffet it's a freaky world oh man crazy grace if i run applause is there any vegetarians in the audience with us tonight vegetarians get this is your intervention we all i guess i'll read my letter first when you started eating kumquats you changed good for you i am my wife and you would get along very well she's a vegetarian see it wasn't so bad do we have any other byron applause vegetarians here are you here you're just too weak to clap is that what's happening [Applause] okay i only had a cherry tomato today i know does anyone have any nut butter with them that would some ice chips would help i don't so is it going black for anyone else i don't know if that i'm seeing dragons i don't know people ask me when they find out my wife's a vegetarian they go casey are you a vegetarian i go well i don't know why you say that for two reasons one i'm holding a coney dog and two if i'm a vegetarian i'm doing it wrong look at me how many carrots would i have to eat to maintain this mass there's like bushels of carrots keep them coming i'm not losing this i bought a farm plant every acre with carrots we're i'm keeping these curves she would love me to be like you and be a vegetarian join the dark side and she's always pushing the ideas and pushing the foods i come home the other night she's like hey it's a night for dinner we're having tofu i go no we're not she goes no no listen to me listen to me tofu is great because it takes on the flavor or whatever you cook it in i go okay all right oh hey i get it now hey mine must been cooked in manure i know and she hates that i eat fast food and as a comedian i have a lot of late nights i live on the treasure coast of florida and we close shop early kind of a retirement town and like for example i called up the local movie theater and i said hey what time's the midnight movie they said 8 30. so i had a gig and sometimes it's like two in the morning till i get home and i have like two choices in that town i either have mcdonald's or crack at that hour and i'm not sure which one is the healthy option at this point i had a gig the other night i call it up i'm like hey i'm i'm almost home i'm starving i'm going to stop and get a mcdonald's mcdonald's i can't believe you're still going there the fat content's so high we don't know where they get their beef get me a sundae i don't know how if it works that way i don't know if that's the right thing to do she was uh we had a lot in common we liked a lot of the same things uh except food was an issue you know because she was a vegan didn't even even eat milk or cheese and um there's a lot of that going on um especially here i noticed on the menus and some of the restaurants i guess there's a lot of vegetarians in here they're in here they're just too weak to raise their arms and they preach too i don't like to be you know priest i best i can do is eat animals that are vegetarians myself i just feel like if god didn't mean for us to eat animals he wouldn't have made him out of beef you know [Laughter] but you got to eat right you got to eat your vegetables i like fresh vegetables especially when you're wrapping bacon and deep fried i like that so i waited to the kids are secure money has paid off she's all right the former wife i said it's time to start dating again looking for a mate the perfect mate none of this internet stuff for me i want reality that's what i want i want to meet somebody see see the initial meeting is really everything you know so this is a party i met this really nice lady attractive you know bright just had a good spirit about her and after a couple more times we met and then i said okay this is this is something i think could happen i invited her out to a very expensive restaurant i'm showing off we're sitting down we're having our little appetizer just a little chit chat and then all of a sudden she goes okay before we go any further i have to ask you this question and it's the most important question i'm thinking oh boy this isn't good those questions should wait till later not right up front you know what i mean and i said well i'm an honest guy i'll tell you whatever you need to know and she looked at me and she said okay tell me this what is your spirit animal [Laughter] now us guys may not be smart about relationships but we know crazy when we see it and i'm thinking i don't know what she's talking about i said well forgive me i said but what is a spirit animal she is every person inside of them has a spirit animal a living breathing animal and it's just free and wild and it's what you really are and i'm thinking my god she's out of her mind this thing is over right now so i thought i would shift positions and i said to her with a smile you know to buy time what is your spirit animal oh the biggest smile i've ever seen oh i'm an arctic fox i'm white with little black eyes that i dart across the snow and i'm thinking i may not even finish the appetizer this what is this so then she smiled and said okay think about it what is your spirit animal i said i'm a dung beetle she said that's not even an animal that's an insect i said i have low self-esteem she didn't laugh i tried a pun i said well i guess we're done with that nothing no sense of humor and you know a sense of humor if you have a sense of humor male or female you're halfway there that's just a wonderful thing that a human can have yes you've got a sense of humor and if you don't we're in big trouble arctic foxes were not known for their sense of humor or are known so that was out now i made another lady beautiful redhead lady you know and i'm talking about ladies that are middle-aged ladies i'm not i got buddies they all want to go out with younger women you know and i want somebody around my age i don't want to footnote every conversation good looking lady bride you know and we were different in our politics different in several areas of life and that's okay i'm living let live you know as long as you're decent and you're not trying to kill me okay fine and she told me i'm a vegetarian and i told her i don't care if you're a vegetarian or a vegan or a vulcan it doesn't matter but i like meat all right i believe in nature we are carnivores our teeth are designed for the ripping and tearing of flesh i didn't say it to her like that it's very la these people you know you go to their house for dinner and the hostess let's you know we're gonna have a wonderful health salad oh great i get to crap like a parrot all week that particular lady didn't like what i said she was well what do you want to eat i told her to stake that dick i want it so thick and sauce my heart when i'm eating call the paramedics to bring me alive to finish that steak cut my heart open and shove a baked potato in there maybe a carrot too you need your vegetables you know so i just told her you know you eat what you eat i'll eat what i want to eat you know if you want to eat bark and berries that's your business so we go out a couple of times no push no shove nothing but the third time we went out she started that subtle push you know so i ordered lamb chops she says now before you eat those visualize them as a little baby lamb and i gobbled them right up said how could you do that i said i visualize myself as a hungry lion and i realize that's my spirit animal i'm a roaring lion [Music] [Applause] and i saw this glazed look on her face as if we had detached somehow and then i leaned over and said what's your spirit adam [Applause] and she said you're crazy that one was over and i'll tell you some other people i'm not too crazy about vegetarians nobody likes it you know why because they think they're so special you'll be around when you first meet within the first five or ten minutes this is the first thing they want you to know about themselves it's like now here's something you need to know i don't eat meat and i'm like well bless your heart i'll pray for you but i don't have time to talk about it right now i'm on my way to burger king and besides all that i don't i don't think there's this thing as a true true vegetarian i think they kind of sneak around that's my suspicion let me give you an example the subdivision i live in is just nine houses in my subdivision okay and we got a new neighbors they moved in about about six months ago across the street okay and they invited everybody over there and supposedly the husband and wife they're both vegetarians they seem to be like around 40 years of age all right they're vegetarian supposedly but i opened the refrigerator doper just to get a you know something to drink and i saw that they had a bottle of mustard [Music] there's a vegetarian meat what they need with mustard and i was kind of sneaking around and hidden behind the carton of almond milk was a pack of wings [Music] [Laughter] this is not necessarily funny i just thought i'd share with you every time i go to my children's school i am reminded of all the food allergies we never had when we were kids i'm in that classroom last week big sign on the wall nut free zone i look around i don't think so cannot have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches they can't have cupcakes on their birthday you can't eat a hamburger that was looked at by anybody that lived in the midwest i had kind of a weird childhood i think you ever look back on your child and think things were like weird like not weird but i'll tell you guys this uh for 15 years for 15 years of my life i believed that i was allergic to apples told us because one time we were kids my sister dared me to eat six grand smith apples as fast as i could i don't know if you guys know this apples are really high in fiber i'm not allergic to apples you're just not supposed to shove six apples in your fat kid face in two minutes all your poopy pants you'll sully your bloomers you'll soil your oshkosh bhagasas that's my message here tonight you guys an apple a day but just one that's all you need one night indianapolis i was talking about a peanut allergy and there's a guy in the crowd with the peanut allergy he's mad he threatens to take me to the alley and beat me up right and i'm very proud though i was like i don't think so buddy because i might have a snickers bar [Music] i'm not afraid of you dude you can die from peanut dust look out there might be some under my fingernails from the airplane [Music] run away if i need to i'll get some skippy smooth put an invisible force fill on me buddy you don't know what you gonna do now peanut boy i feel bad for some people some people can't eat certain things they got a food allergy that's that's gotta be horrible i can't imagine that i can eat whatever i want and i usually try to i don't know does anybody out there have a food allergy i don't want to make you feel bad but i know what sucks you do cutie right here what are you allergic to lactose intolerant okay so you're getting hello me well it's not an allergy just not very tolerant of it and if they might if it ain't my nephew i'm a little kid intolerant so i i get it i get it that's tough that's one of the worst ones ever i'm going to come back to you let's see anybody else i don't want to leave anybody else out if there is one other person nobody oh that's that's horrible i uh i think that's you have the worst one if you ask me because there's what you somebody over here has one do you agree what is yours gluing so some i just like taking their butt coming at you like no they're jackie that's a dumb one that ain't really nobody had that when we were kids right if a kid came in and said he had a gluten allergy we'd put that kid down something's wrong with that kid right you're mormon you just make more i don't know i think she has the worst one yours is bad but you you can't eat like ice cream right i love ice cream what happens when you eat bad things [Music] we just bust open the bathroom door with a knife somebody gave me ice cream get out of here family of four was murdered by a lady lactose intolerance do you mean you just have bad like like everybody needs a 30-foot radius or something i feel bad for you i don't care i if i had it i'd i'd still eat it i'd just be calling 9-1-1 what's your emergency rob is that you cookie dough like all successful comedians i have roommates still so that's a thing in my life i love having roommates but sometimes they get on your nerves sometimes you don't just get used to the things that they do you just don't get used to it like i'll never get used to coming home and asking why are you naked on the couch you just don't you don't get used to that you never get used to going into the bathroom and grabbing your you know loofah it's wet on you haven't showered you're like ah we went to the dollar tree together and got different colors what's happening so when your roommate gets on your nerves there's only one way to get even with them that's to steal their food that's a line in the sand right but you can't just steal their food that's crazy you have to steal their food and get away with it that tricky right so i have a couple of rules that i follow to ensure that i successfully steal their food rule number one never open or finish a package that's easy right they'll notice that but sometimes they buy something and they don't open it like a box of oreos just sits there for a week you start losing your mind talking to the package soon it's gonna be soon i already bought the milk finally like a week later you're in the other room and you just hear them in the kitchen [Music] yes you better enjoy the ones you're eating now because that's it which leads me to rule number two only eat enough so he can't prove you've eaten any this one's tricky right oreos are a perfect example if you're gonna eat his oreos take one off of each row not three f of one column that's a rookie mistake he's gonna notice that space back it up a little who's gonna know rule number three anything they wrote their name on eat that first to teach him a lesson you know i know my name is not carson with a k if it was my name i would have spelled it right i promise you that and sometimes they'll draw like the line on the orange juice or milk to prove where it's at you idiot now you're just telling me how much water i have to pour back in to get it back up to the line they're all i had you i didn't buy skim milk what is this [Music] i don't know what you're all thinking you're worried you're concerned paul you've given away your secrets now they're going to steal your food no they're not because i've learned all their food allergies and i just put all of that into my food does cookie dough ice cream taste the same with avocado no but at least i know it's all mine put a peanut in your gallon of milk it's safe it's safe and if you ever come home and see an ambulance in the driveway you already know what happened you just keep driving and put a new ad on craigslist i'm ready oh i wish these were jokes this would be clever another one this one was probably the worst dating experience that i ever had because it caught me so off guard i'll give oh i'll let you know i was on a double date with the girl and her sister so i felt like everything was going to go well it did not at all dinner was fine and i looked at her i was like what would you like to do now she said i want to go for ice cream i was like yes i love ice cream let's do it i'm ready for ice cream that doesn't have avocado for once so let's go so we get there and the other couple orders a night a gentleman so i what would you like to order and she says oh none for me i'm allergic then why are we here what this was your idea she's like oh i just want everyone to have a good time i was like this is your death trap this is not a good time and so i didn't get any ice cream either right because the gentleman half of me was like paul that would be rude and the bachelor side of me was like paul you might kiss her you don't want any of that on your lips don't order any ice cream okay no ice cream for paul i'm on board so we go sit at a booth and the other couple they get their ice cream they sit down within 13 seconds my date grabs a spoon takes her sister ice cream and says ooh cookies and cream yeah that's the appropriate response and that's what i was like what you you just said you i deprived myself you said you were allergic what happened was i the worst date ever was she trying to kill herself while on the date with me was she expecting some sort of act of shivering like i'm supposed to hit the spoon out of her head no you're allergic because i did not do that and she's like well i'm allergic but only kind of allergic no that's not a thing you're either allergic or you're not no one goes to red lobster who's allergic to shrimp thinking only a three or four for me i don't want to shut off the esophagus completely that does not happen and i and i couldn't i couldn't let it go i was like why why do you think that you're allergic she's like well when i have a lot i just don't feel very good lady that's called being full that's not allergic right she i can just see her oh i feel terrible after that gallon of ice cream oh i must be allergic this never happens with pancakes so we did not go out again because apparently i'm allergic to stupid i can't he's awesome though uh world war ii veteran this great guy and and yeah it's it's amazing i think back now you know since world war ii we've had the most powerful military on the planet the most powerful military in the history of civilization but as a people america we might have the weakest immune systems of anyone on the planet you see we suffer from now lactose intolerance gluten intolerance peanut butter allergies who knew nuts with the new anthrax let's hope al qaeda or isis doesn't come out the dirty bomb man out of ground cashews powdered milk and whole wheat flour we're in deep trouble [Applause] all right they might be working that one right now farooq is the perfect weapon to use against the americans i'm listening aziz nerf gas is a shoe bomb guided missile no no my friend fresh baked peanut butter cookies it's true you want to terrorize this school now you just show up with peter brittle i'm going to lock down we have a man approaching the office with peanut butter clusters and a jar of peanuts this is not a drill evacuate the children to a peanut-free location and i feel bad for school-aged parents how do you even have a birthday party now all the kids all have allergies the bounce house has to double as a medical tent the clown has to be a trained paramedic the gift bags or epipens and defibrillators [Laughter] i can guarantee you anyone here over the age of 40 didn't know one kid growing up that had a peanut butter allergy when we were kids you know why they all died we didn't have a chance with no diagnosis there were no treatment we had to eat everything on our plate oh it's a shame we don't know timmy was sitting there watching the flintstones eating a pb j he just dropped there was no epipens all we had was a big pan no one would get stabbed by that food allergies horrible food my four basic food groups back in the 1900s frozen dipped fried and battered right now kids eat a well-balanced meal with fresh greens the only time we had fresh greens when the neighborhood bully was stuffing grass in our mouths this i know the immune systems are better in first class on my last delta flight they were serving warm nuts as a snack in first class warm nuts warm nuts you can't even say the word peanut in economy anymore without somebody going into anaphylactic shock and these fools are roasting chestnuts on an open fire just giggling with pad thai crumbs in their beard doing lines of almond dust while everybody with allergies still has to walk by them and that walk is just long enough for your throat to close up to remind you that mother nature is coming for you that's where i want to sit i want to sit at the front next to wolverine like i said the back of the plane with everybody who doesn't believe in vaccinations and learned how to cough from a rottweiler here you ever see one of these people just ah just human dandelion spores everywhere ah is this your first day in the new body you seem pretty taken back by rather rudimentary bodily function they're always in the middle seat too they're always in the middle seat i always get the window so now i gotta like push my face up against the wall and every time they cough i exhaled [Applause] just make like a force field of breath i'm not buying what you're selling my daughter-in-law is afraid of pesticides are you in america i grew up and i'm telling my mother used to give me a puddle of mercury to play with on the kitchen table here jeff play with this puddle of toxic waste with this lead paint chip i got for you play around in that for a while then she'd come by scrape it into my tuna and i'd eat it for lunch and now i can't get peanuts on an airplane anymore because little joey's six rows back might get some peanut dust on his elbow and drop dead will someone tell me where all these peanut allergies came from you're about my age you even remember one kid with a peanut not one now the ubiquitous i'm telling you terrorists do not need to blow up any buildings they need to take over a planter's factory and crop dust atlanta that's it they'd wipe out a third of the millennial population and if you have a peanut allergy don't send me an email you don't know what it's like disgusting drop dead all you need how many grandparents are in the room grandparents have no respect when they watch your kids you know that right [Music] they do whatever they want to do and you can't say anything because you're like it's free so you just gotta let it happen [Music] they don't care to be like you're like listen he has peanut allergies his gluten allergy they're like yeah okay i'll make sure i give them this thing at four o'clock i'll give them the other thing it's seven i'll give them as soon as you leave they're like you ain't getting none of that stuff kid i've raised seven kids and they're all fine right you come back the kids eyes are all swollen they're like why'd you get what are you doing they're like hey i raised you and your brothers and you're alive right that's your grandparents only qualification for doing a good job is that you're alive you're like yeah i'm a lot but i'm messed up [Music] but i'm not going to get on a whole pedestal about this issue because we got bigger problems with kids sports the treats you guys remember the treat parent at the end of the game yeah treats ladies we got awesome treatments man we got mountain dew or surge you guys remember serge yeah it wasn't surge it was jolt cola five times the caffeine right you get that stuff your kid would be like wow wow wow mow the lawn drive the car clean it it's nuts man we got some sort of cupcake with it nothing healthy it was great those were the treats we can't get away with treats like that now can you something magically in the last few years called gluten came out ruined everything gluten issues are you kidding me we didn't have gluten issues in the 80s we just dealt with the diarrhea you know what i mean just deal with it got a little tummy ache or scrape underneath your daddy or grandpa back rub some dirt in it eat the dirt you guys remember the dirt mentality yeah those were good times dirk fixed everything in the 80s maybe sitting there with a broken leg just dabbling there all right just dangling your grandpa will be coming today put some dirt in it and walk it off that's how it works yeah but you can't even say the dirt thing anymore because it has to be organic dirt get it for a hundred dollars to hulp it right stupid ridiculous but here's the thing when you're a kid you play the sport you eat you treat you take your nap and that's your day right that's all you know you don't see the crappy side of kids sports which is what your parents had to deal with which was dealing with the other parents all right here's the thing most of the parents are pretty cool except for that one her name is meredith right she's the worst all right did i change her name for this joke no i did not i want her no right she's the worst right this is the lady that brings water and celery for a treat okay water's not a treat right celery sucks yeah you can't even put peanut butter on the nut allergy kid on the team peanut oh my gosh man peanut it's a real thing i get it but what is happening we didn't have that in the 80s all right listen it's not the zombie apocalypse is going to kill us guys it's the peanut allergy yeah for sure but the point is meredith's the worst okay but i'm going to be the hero because i'm the treat parent after meredith yeah i didn't go crazy guys i got gatorade all right get the red and blue kind because they're the best yellow sucks because when you're a kid it might be pee you don't know the yellow never even made it to the cooler to get cold in the age you guys stayed warm in the sun to get warm like pee all right so if you're that last kid stuck with the yellow gatorade you stayed parched for the rest of the day you weren't risking it yeah so i'm not doing that to these kids i got the red and blue kind and then i got cupcakes i don't give a crap [Applause] that's right i got the hostess cupcakes a little swirly on top of the creamy filling in the middle you guys know what i'm talking about this kind of cupcake hero yeah so i go to the game we win because we're winners kept scoring my own head because that's what we do as parents we keep score we do we care we care yeah [Applause] except for i'm the parent that voices that we won i made a winner flag out of our bed sheets at home my wife's still mad i'm sitting there pull that baby out like whoa we won wow right meredith's like we don't keep score here he's like shut up meredith i'm excited the kids are excited right they're like where's the treat parrot i'm like guys i'm over here they come over they get their gatorade they get their cupcakes they're jacked up on sugar running all over the place right they carry me on their shoulders six-year-olds carrying me on their shoulders is beautiful it's like reverse rudy it was awesome yeah they're chanting my name they're like mr harvested mr harvest is beautiful i'm crying right and then that witch meredith ruined everything yeah she goes up to me she's like heath i'm sorry mr harmison apparently you get the memo okay we have gluten issues on this team mister okay if my son timmy has a peanut allergy eats a peanut he will die i'm like well meredith your son scored a goal for the other team i'd be doing this team a favor you back off me meredith all right tom you gotta talk to your wife here what oh apparently both men in the family have a nut allergy and they're in your purse [Applause] i'm sorry i blacked out what happened but don't fellas fellas don't if it's time to go see your doctor please go see your doctor do not put that off and i mean i was able to lose i was able to go from 343 pounds down to 274. i'm still trying to get down about 250 249 it's hard because i love food i love food i found out why i was so big i did because i have no allergies to nothing that was my problem you know you always ask your friend oh i'm allergic to dairy oh you can't eat that so that helped you out me i was not allergic to nut they come up sean can you eat shellfish yeah all of it sean can you eat peanut butter put it on a shellfish let's go another question people ask all the time is what do you do in your spare time as a married man the answer is very simple whatever my wife wants to do so one applause there's like one wife well okay so my wife and i were babysitting for some friends we were forced into it so we were babysitting and i i just after a half hour in this home we were exhausted and it was not the kids it was the rules the parents left for us how many of you have experienced new parent paranoia out there all right okay so first off where did all these peanut allergies come from as i was like we could not get into the home without going through a scanner and getting the pat down today if you get a box of cracker jacks it is empty except for inside there's an epipen that's all that's inside i tell everybody in the future terrorists will not need guns they won't they're just going to throw in a jar of gif that's all they're going to need it's like a la akbar crunchy style that's it everything we had to feed to these kids had to be healthy and organic we had to feed free-range chicken to their cage children [Music] my wife and i are trying to be uh trying to be pretty healthy we uh last year we decided to go gluten free uh because we we like food uh but we we wanted to pay more for his it number one we want to get less of it and we want it not to taste as good so far we're batting a thousand oh that one and it you don't realize what an important role gluten plays in some foods like cornbread for example is not the most structurally sound food to begin with and then we got some gluten-free cornbread which was like trying to eat a sand castle like you take one bite into it just so it goes down there and swim that's how it looked when it came out of the box look at that something magically in the last few years called gluten came out ruined everything gluten issues are you kidding me we didn't have gluten issues in the 80s we just dealt with the diarrhea you know what i mean just deal with it got a little tummy ache or scrape underneath your daddy or grandpa back rub some dirt in it eat the dirt you guys remember the dirt mentality yeah those were good times dirk fixed everything in the 80s maybe sitting there with a broken leg just dabbling there all right just dangling your grandpa will be coming today put some dirt in it and walk it off that's how it works yeah but you can't even say the dirt thing anymore because it has to be organic dirt get it for a hundred dollars to hulp it right stupid ridiculous it's a confusing world i saw a gluten-free ice cream for the first time exactly that was my response are you kidding me the ice cream store said our ice cream is gluten free well that's because it's made of milk you can't say things are gluten-free that already are gluten-free cars are gluten-free you know turn on the tv come down and test drive one of our gluten-free cadillacs ladies and gentlemen check out those cup holders gluten-free cup holders not a shred of gluten on those tires gluten is wheat there's no wheat ice cream no one's going to 31 flavors yeah i'm interested in a grain flavored ice cream do you have a rye praline maybe a barley sorbet so i asked the kid i'm like is there gluten and ice cream he's like hey you know what i don't want any trouble i'm making 14 cents an hour just order your ice cream and get out and this poor kid has been so hen pecked by these neurotic diets that we carry around is there gluten in there i don't want to i was reading in western nutrition uptight person magazine i can't have a hey stay home and chew it on ice cube you'd be happier no one here is concerned about their health at the ice cream store we're just cramming down 12 000 milligrams of butter fat so we can head out and have some candy i'm trying to watch my weight i i'm on a special diet turns out i'm allergic to uh gluten-free food and [Applause] it's not easy killing free-range gluten in the wild you got to club them to death this is how crazy love is love is the only thing in life where it's not enough to just show a person that you love them you understand what i'm saying it's not enough to just show a person how you feel from day to day even if you do math you have to show your work but that's not good enough for love you always have to constantly tell that person that you love them have a good day love you miss you so much love you if you don't say you love them you got real problems why don't you ever say you love me cause we live together i just kind of thought that was implied i'm sitting here watching episodes of the bachelorette eating gluten-free pasta you raging lunatic how do you not know that i love you you think i did stuff like that when i was single really is that how you thought i lived my life bozeman what you up to tonight oh man just chilling watching the bachelor gnawing on raw quinoa you know how i get down on saturday night and get cray i don't know when these kids got so weak i can't eat white bread because white bread has a gluten in it i get a gluten in here we grew up on the whitest of white bread of all time wonder bread that was like biting into a cloud it was so white help build a strong body 12 way 12 ways ain't nobody could move 12 ways but wonder bread would do that for you you know my favorite sandwich was when i was a kid spaghetti and meatball on wonder bread that's enough glutens to kill four kids today i found out on the same documentary that uh white people are allergic to gluten i didn't know y'all were struggling like that you know what i mean y'all should really get the word out you know gluten is taking white people out one by one droves of dead white people everywhere you should really let somebody know maybe protest raise a fist take a knee during the national anthem i'll have my people contact your people we can get the word out i waited tables during the height of the gluten craze too you know nobody knew what they were but everyone was avoiding them you know people were like i don't i can't don't give me glue i don't know what it is i think it's a glue and i don't want paste in my food don't give me glutens i don't want wheat in fact no grains of any kind i'd still like to go to this toast can you do that can you make bread from dreams that's what i'd really like i'd like a dream bread sandwich with a cider pretend fries and some imaginary juice hook it up chop chop no glutens move it [Music] that people don't worry about glutens you know like food allergy you know what's it gonna do make me swell up too late uh-oh all food does that i am swollen right now from food these are just hives i'm breaking out got two hives up top big hive down low feeling a little heavy i'm like blue hyvee i'm beyonce's kid if you liked it you should have put an onion ring on it with no onion and no glutens hook it up bro [Music] something about me uh this year i've lost about 50 pounds i'm pretty proud of that 50 pounds this year working on it still still wearing dark colors and untucking this is phase two i did the uh the low carb diet him ever do the low carb thing has anything here keto it's a lot of cheese and butter and meat you can lose weight it's amazing you know it's like you just stay away from the carbs and the bread and the starches and happiness all of that and then you can lose weight it sounds like disneyland for fat people that first week they're explaining it to you you're like i can have a six egg omelet with bacon fried in an inch of hoglard and lose weight sign me up slim hallelujah let's go that's week one i'm in week 12. y'all week 12 is different because i've lost some weight and also i want to murder my family turns out carbohydrates is what's holding civilization together in case you're wondering what was doing it right [Applause] this whole north korea thing could be solved with a crescent roll i'm telling you guys kim jong-un just needs some pancakes he's hangry okay tammy's dieting now that means i'm dieting that's the rules because i mean i should you honor your wife that she wants to diet i'm dieting she's on keto now we've tried paleo we've tried atkins now we're on keto she wants to get into ketosis that's fine with me i got cookies in my office in the basement i don't i was handing out cookies to my grandchildren one day one of you will betray me yeah my grandson is it me papa is it me it is you you little punk those crumbs off your lips [Music] so i'm unpacking the groceries after the big keto buy tammy went out and bought a bunch of groceries for keto and i'm unpacking i'm going to come across rice cakes never had a rice cake in our home don't know what a rice cake is never eaten one all i see is the word cake and i call her out on and i go baby i thought cake was a no-no with the keto and she says no that's for our cheat day apparently on keto you get to cheat one day awake cool is that so a few days went by and i'm ready for my cheat day and i remember sir we have cake i ran to the pantry i pulled one out i pulled a cake on rice cake out of the package i'm feeling it it kind of feels like a brake pad you know [Music] but it's cake how bad can it be i took a bite and never made it to my throat i said baby these are stale she says no that's the way they are i go this isn't cake it's caulk it's not food it's insulation who are these people kidding i threw the rest of them to our three dogs i go you eat these things and our dogs scarfed them right up hour later went my front yard and passed the thermos [Music] got a yard full of yetis out there i'm telling you i can't keep up with the food anymore anyway gmo non-gmo you know we had food didn't we sir we had food that's when we were growing up food and you hate it because kids were starving in china that's all you eat that there's a kid in china starving oh it's not getting my food [Music] now it's gmo non-gmo organic non-organic gluten gluten-free kale i never saw kale in my life until tammy went on keto now it's ubiquitous it's all over my house you can't put enough ranch dressing on kale to make it taste good oh and then one night she makes kale chips you know what kale chips are sir it's kale leaves on a cookie sheet burned in the oven at 400 degrees they she pulls out this smoldering heap of weeds she throws them on my plate i go what are these she said kale ships i go it's a brush fire what are you talking about this isn't food i tried to give them to my dog my dog goes no way man a dog my dog eats the cat litter what does that tell you it's awful now you never know i'm trying to eat right too i'm trying to eat better but you never know what you could be eating something you think you know is healthy and next you know they recall it and it was poison they've recalled three different types of lettuce in my lifetime when i was a kid they did it with iceberg about 20 years ago there was a problem with the spinach and wasn't it just last year the romaine had to give a recall you know what they've never recalled in my 43 years on this planet cheetos never once called those back why would they have to uh sorry we found vitamins in this we're gonna have to get here this is awful i don't know about the rest yet i can't eat right all day it's too long of a day i have food morals when i wake up but the longer i stay awake the more i lose them right and the better i start the worse i finish all right if breakfast is egg whites and fiber cereal dinner is like a sheet cake with corn dogs stuck upside down begging total strangers someone put me to sleep before i make another bad decision i've tried every diet under the sun the no carb the vegan the low carb low carb is the hardest one to pull off at a buffet especially at breakfast because it makes your plate look ridiculous nobody knows what you're doing because low carb still has a little bit of car you're sitting there with eggs bacon ham sausage and one apple did that once this older guy kept looking at me finally he came up and went uh you know buddy you're asking an awful lot from that apple he's right too all the food gets in my coal and that apple turns into a bouncer at a nightclub right all right everybody out everybody out what did vegetables call in sick again yeah everybody out people say chris how do you know how do i know if i'm eating too much how do i know if i have an unhealthy relationship with food here's a good way to tell do you have eating outfits that is never a good sign if you've ever uttered the phrase these are my barbecue jeans you need help now you've got to understand that christmas is the one time of year i get to eat whatever i want because it takes an enormous amount of energy to to do what i do and so just put in my chocolate chip we're good to go because most of the year i'm on a diet i'm on the keto diet high protein diets because well there's a lot of reindeer that don't make the cut [Applause] it's a sad reality [Music] she told me the trick to her diet was simple you know ladies are like there's no simple types all you have to do is read the labels and don't put anything into your body that you can't pronounce those were my rules just read the labels if you can't pronounce it it's bad for you don't eat it so i went home and i ate a bag of sugar and a stick of butter i make cookies inside my belly it knows the recipe my body is a wonderland right body is last week she told me my food log was off i didn't know what a food log was well i thought that's what happened after you ate yeah i did it she told me i put too many olives on top of my salad you who want to make a large lady mad you tell her she ate too many vegetables last week too many vegetables that's not even fair and how can olives be bad for you i thought if you opened a can of something and you couldn't reseal it [Music] that was a serving especially if it tells you on there how many of them you can eat it says all of them [Applause] many oh it's three you're shocked like me three tiny little olives is a serving and i was like lady that's not even enough for every finger at thanksgiving you guys do that you put the olives do you ever put the bugle hats on top of the olives make little witches out of them this one's you mom and that's how you sit at the kids table at thanksgiving people get to sit with all the millennials my wife is beautiful don't know it i was on a diet been on a diet two years i'm thinking mathematically she should be gone by now we're freaked out about fitness heard a diet product out in the radio this is their claim it works three times faster than starvation yeah how do they even know that it works faster than starvation have some bizarre clinical trial here's mandy she's three meals a day and uses our product next to her little naboo he's starving you can't have her food you're the control group put down the pickle get back on the scale obsessed about our weight it's crazy a friend of mine said i'm up three quarters of a pound who cares if all you care about is the number that's on the scale try amputation i'm on the new amputation weight loss program with one simple procedure i lost 14 pounds plus now i can park wherever i want and i am burning way more calories hop into stuff this is true my dad had one leg he thought that was a funny joke diets i tried every kind of diet i was on this minecraft diet three square meals a day did nothing oh y'all i'm so so much more weighing more than i have and since i had a baby in the hospital i probably weigh about the same that i had a baby in the hospital and back then i remember thinking oh my gosh what in the world's happened to me and i had my class reunion right after i had my first baby and i wore a big jumper and i was nursing and i remember um like drinking a diet coke and my breast milk shot out the front of my dress and then one of my friends from high school said when are you going to have your baby and i was like i've had my baby but anyway i feel fat and um and i am and it's my hormones i have no testosterone i went to the doctor i had no testosterone no progesterone i have way too much estrogen which evidently makes you bitter and angry and hateful that's what my family says i think they're bitter and hateful and angry but it has messed up my weight and all that well that and i've been eating white flour but let me i have been on every diet in the world i've done everything i've done whole30 i've done south beach i can't i have done weight watchers all right i praise god that weight watchers doesn't have a limit on how many times you can join because i have joined weight watchers nine times and lost seven pounds in all come to find out you have to follow a program i know that but i go because the meetings are funny and it's like it's like going to a comedy club it really is it's like aa but it's for people who eat their emotions and i and that's who i am i eat my emotions like my husband would come home and the kids would be fighting and he'd say something like what have you done all day and i'd eat a hot dog and i don't even know where it came from well i had to to keep from drinking whiskey i didn't want to get hooked on whiskey with little children so um so i joined weight watchers so many times and this last time oprah bought it and they had oprah on tv and she was twirling pasta on a fork and running through tall grass and i thought well if she can do it i can do it no so um no turns out no for the ninth time but what the deal is is they give you a point value on food so fruits and vegetables are free [Applause] you know you don't care really and like a piece of beef that's the size of a credit card it's like five points or something like that you don't want any of that you're so hungry when you start that you could eat the wallpaper off the walls you want a snickers bar but they're like 12 points my sister goes on it every time i do and she'll call me and she'll say it's noon and i've eaten all my points i always love that it's one weird trick lose weight using a weird trick why why if it like if it were to say lose weight using diet and exercise we'd all be like no way do you want me to do something weird i'll do something weird though i'll click on that i love weird stuff it's not a good idea guy i'm celebrating my 57th birthday [Applause] oh it was september 30th but i'm still celebrating my 50s 57 wow like and i lost 100 pounds like a whole fifth grader off my body i have no right to ever complain about anything and we're talking a whole lifetime of dieting exercising just struggling with my weight right four years ago i get introduced to a diet well you don't do nothing nothing the pounds just fly off whether you want them to or not yeah it's called the stress diet whenever i say this to people they go but nikki when i'm stressed i gain weight i go that's cause you're not doing it right and spend more time crying you know what i mean look at me i gave up cake and cookies all i had to give up was happiness and peace of mind look at that brand new body i'm not recommending this diet though okay it's not a good one trust me i still have all the skin that was around the fat that i lost i still have that i don't know what to do with it i ran to go answer my phone from the shower the other day i thought i heard a round of applause i'm like who's in here clapping i mean thank you but show yourself where are you too much extra skin i couldn't wait for long sleeve season because of these things a friend of mine goes nikki you know you're gonna have to get skin surgery to repair your arms and i'm like no i am not i'm going to get feathers tattooed on the outside and spread my wings even when i was on the tv show they try to put me on a diet really i said i don't even eat a lot you know i i just don't have a metabolism that's it everything i eat i gain weight gum ice it doesn't matter it's all fattening so they advise me to change the things that i eat like don't eat pork anymore i was like no pork work is delicious [Music] you know i can't cold turkey pork maybe you can find me some sort of support group or something you know weave me off slowly let me walk around for a couple of months to wear pork patch i don't know [Music] and then i i really only just love bacon can i just keep eating bacon and they go yeah yeah bacon is fine but why won't you try turkey bacon you know i'm not as dumb as i look i know you cannot mate a turkey and a pig i know this [Music] how did you get that meat please i don't even care how you got it can we suffice it to say i don't like interracial breakfast me period give me the turkey or give me the pork don't get me both together i don't i'd rather eat kevin bacon thank you so much go to the doctor for this issue and go to the doctor the doctor walks in looking at my file i'm just like mr fonokolovi are you concerned at all about how much you weigh well now i am thank you for that concern he starts telling me these diets i could try to lose some weight he calls him on the grazer diet he's like eat five meals a day instead of three it boosts your metabolism you start cutting some weight well i'm not sure if you notice doc i'm already on that diet that's why we're here i get irritated i get irritated when people tell me what i should eat what my diet should be like when did it become socially acceptable for people to just tell me like what it should be have this lady come up to me and just tell me like ah i buy pants two sizes too small and i see it as a goal so i can do something similar like that i i buy pants two sizes too big so i feel good about myself because it is working talking this uh talking this girl named april who's a vegetarian just stupid she was like animals have feelings too i was like yeah they also have great taste so until that changes she's like yeah have you ever even eaten a salad i was like yeah but it's inside a hamburger that's that's where that belongs i didn't surprise her though uh i actually did a six-month vegetarian diet um just dead silence that's the correct response it was great i did uh for six months straight ain't nothing but vegetarians which have more meat in them than i thought they would but you are supposed to start taking care of yourself that's what people say i've done pretty much everything except diet and exercise and i think at this point what more can i do i've tried different diet stuff that they've tried to throw at me i tried the caveman dye right eat with the caveman so i had fruity pebbles every day for like a week i didn't see the results to be honest and had some cocoa pebbles here and there just to switch it up get that muscle confusion going and so i feel good i feel good i lost 20 pounds how about that whoa and i get about 15 more 15 more than i i think i've ever want to be and uh i tried everything too i was on weight watchers no uh i was on jenny craig and she's like get off me tubby [Laughter] [Music] trying to lose weight i'm working on it i'm eating right and exercising it's the worst i'm miserable that's why so many people are fat it's so easy it's like oh i just have to lay here and eat pizza okay like it's the easiest thing you ever watch one of these comedy specials and you wonder did that person lose a bunch of weight beforehand i did i lost 15 pounds before this special don't clap because i'm not happy about it i don't want to lose 15 pounds yeah but i'm doing a lot of stuff now like i'm taking photos with everybody because i want to be known as the guy that looked like this right i wouldn't got my doctor's appointments next week because last year he was very judgmental he's like you're getting too heavy i'm like you're fat doctors don't like when you turn it around on them he's like i'm the doctor here he's like if you want to lose weight you should probably you know pick a celebrity scott and then you could like do their diet so i went on the bill clinton diet something about that one every day is a potential cheat day i don't know if you know that [Applause] you don't like that one you can assert donald trump it really works for everybody that's where we're at now sorry so i don't know and then he tells me this he's like well how's your career going scott i'm like what's going well he's like oh really i'm like yeah i had a new cd it's been selling well it was on itunes he's like i'd like a copy of that i'm like glad to get you one there is a 25 copay with scd that was the greatest day ever to be a comedian then he gets back on the diet thing it's like he's like well you know you don't want to see it as a diet you need to think of it as a lifestyle have you heard that i'm like i don't really here's the story a diet means that you're eating stuff that won't make you heavy like celery or kale my brain thinks the lifestyle is cheeseburger and donuts so i will tell you i will eat kale if you bread it deep fry it and serve it with a cider ranch that's an american meal i don't know so it's kind of interesting is anyone on the paleo diet someone doing that one right that's good right yeah do you think early man would have stayed on that diet if he had any choices wasn't a stuffed crust pizza and oreos around the corner i just and then my doctor was like you need to drink eight glasses of water a day does anyone drink eight glasses of water that's i i guess same guy you should be more fit than you are actually i mean you're pretty fit but i mean come on paleo water did you start yesterday is that what happened yeah exactly i wanted to look good for your special scott don't worry i've been looking at this guy i can't tell if he's having a good time right i mean he's been laughing the whole time but his arms are very crossed so is you two so maybe you've got tender nipples i don't know what's happening don't judge them it's kind of a drying chafing season [Laughter] here's what i think about water okay like if something's delicious it's buttery or it's chocolatey or it's bacony it's not watery my grandfather drank two beverages his whole life schlitz and mountain dew lived till he was 87 years old i'm not going to tell you how to live your life but then he was like i'm asking about acid reflux because i'm like having that he's like well what you need to do on that is you need to quit drinking any coffee any tea any pop and no alcoholic beverages and in that moment i had a light bulb decision i'm like ah with those restrictions i need to record my comedy special in provo utah all right here i am no peer pressure especially from the paleo water drinker over there they say well you need to eat like you know you how you ate when you grew up we had helped no i grew up in the 70s that was the most unhealthy time every other meal my mom made was a casserole and i will tell you there was only two vegetables i can ever remember my mom serving corn and potatoes once a year we'd get broccoli because we had like too much velveeta cheese we needed to get rid of right people eat way more healthy now at least than i did there was like seven fruits now there's like 150 fruits when you go to the ground there were seven and two of them that i mostly ate were peaches and pears and heavy syrup out of a can healthier i mean the weekends were worse for me i remember every morning i remember for on the weekend i would eat captain crunch for breakfast lunch and have pizza rolls and dinner my mom would serve a steaming hot pot pie in 1978 i don't believe i ever had any skin on the roof of my mouth none zero [Music] my poor mom she had me when she turned 18 years old the good part was she was always kind of a cool fun mom the negative was she was always poor could not cook worth a crap terrible cook she was 18. 23. i'm going to school for the first time and she's like so how was your first day at school like i don't remember much about school but that school lunch is awesome those chicks with a hair net they know what they're doing get this they put hamburger in the hamburger helper she's like well it doesn't come in the box i've never seen it check those directions to store it my wife treats me like i'm the child now that's the downside you know you know my wife's got all this extra love to give she gives it to me i don't want it there's too much pressure with all that love because she treats me like i am the child you know what she did recently she changed our whole diet eating nothing but organic food whereby organic food people in the audience well what what a weak and feeble attempt to do being organic right yeah oh i barely have the strength to put my hands together right now this is so painful because i don't have the fat content to protect my organic girls right here i asked her i go why after all these years did you switch our diet to organic food and my wife said well we'll be healthier and then we'll live longer and i said we've been married 26 years why would i want to do that no no no i put my time in i want pizza [Music] i deserve double stuffed crust what do you do you're in a relationship you've got to appease your partner so i did it you know the green leafy vegetables the organics i did it for like two weeks and then i and i find myself in a dark part of town and i've got this giant dirty bacon cheeseburger in my hand and i'm scared to take a bite of it because i feel like i'm cheating on my wife with food well how can i try to make it healthier i'll throw the gluten buns to the side i'll take the bacon out of it i'll scrape the cheese off it now i'm sitting there like a dummy with a patty and a pickle i'm like what am i doing the unemployment rate is like five percent it was somebody's job to put that burger together the last thing i want to do is hurt the american economy even more so i took the burger i put it back together i walked it to the counter had him at guacamole because i'm a job creator that's right creating jobs for americans one avocado at a time she shops at a store called sprouts do you have sprouts here you really have scraps like at youtube sprouts it's all sprouting it's alive it's a live sprouts sprouts is an organic grocery store here's how crazy the whole organic organic movement has gotten we're shopping at the sprouts and we get home with a toilet paper there's a bag of leaves [Laughter] no this healthy friend of mine she thinks fruit is a dessert guys fruit is not a dessert fruit is a snack between meals when i'm on a diet i got to watch what i eat though i got too much high cholesterol went to the doctor he said your cholesterol level is 425. that's the highest in my county so i get to go to regionals in a couple of weekends [Music] i've been eating butter to get my numbers up juicing you know [Music] my doctor didn't laugh he got angry he's like you need to immediately change your diet and your exercise programs i'm like that is going to be hard because i am not currently running either program at this moment i said what should i do first he goes why don't you pick a diet and get on it and come back in a couple of months we'll check you again but he didn't say what diet i like to eat meat so i found the atkins diet you ever hear about the atkins diet weird diet you're supposed to eat meat four or five times a day then it recommends you smoke a cigarette and take a nap that was a weird diet it was a chet atkins diet that i got on i don't know if you all know chet axe now now when you are working out you have to be very careful everybody because apparently working out is the slippery slope to eating right oh and it's hard to do now right because everything's got to be organic gluten free registered to vote my doctor my doctor said no alcohol no caffeine no fatty foods i said no copay [Applause] i'm not paying to hear heresy trying to watch my weight i i'm on a special diet turns out i'm allergic to gluten-free food and uh [Applause] it's not easy killing free-range gluten in the wild you got to club them to death so yeah it's it's been crazy you know i'm glad i'm losing weight i had to lose weight before my surgery and uh so i tried a couple of dies i tried weight watchers that didn't work for me and their whole thing is they convert calories to points and uh basically you they give you a certain number of points based on how much weight you need to lose and i had 62 points a day right and then i was like oh count your food count your points well trust me i'm counting i was like the count from sesame street one one bag of hershey's kisses the other thing that i always get to when i was trying to lose weight people always come to me to go brian you know what you want to lose weight have salad have a salad have you heard of salad salad fill up on salad yeah nothing fills me up like a big bowl of dead leaves oh tasty and i can prove to you that salad's not that great you know those jelly beans they have that have every flavor in the world yeah no lettuce flavor yeah they have disgusting flavors which means that you'll sat over the lettuce so they get down to like a couple and they're like uh you guys want to do uh lettuce and they're like can we do earwax instead yeah i vote for earwax a few months ago i've actually started today i started a diet program just doing calories in calories out i'm down about 40 pounds in a few months thank you [Applause] it's weird whenever you try to lose weight like your friends will always give you the worst advice you've ever heard in your entire life right like one friend of mine's like oh you should do intermittent fasting i'm like what's that he's like oh intermittent fasting is great you can eat whatever you want between the hours of 10 a.m and 10 01 a.m whatever you want another buddy of mine tried to get me on this thingy called the bowl diet like i think you made this thing up like basically if it comes in a bowl you can eat it i've never seen someone eat pizza with a spoon before but there we were no i'm just uh i lost some weight recently very excited about that [Applause] i figured out this year so far i've lost about 12 pounds i will be honest with you i did gain 27 of it back and i've tried i've tried everything i've tried all the diets everything at kids diet tried that if you want to lose weight or just if you want to say you're on a diet dudes atkins diet that's that's it you do the it's protein lots of protein like page two you're eating bacon like all the bacon you want and not like oh put some bacon bits on your salad no just bake it because you think about it first of all you know it's kind of counterintuitive you know you eat a lot of protein but think about this you ever see a fat carnivore you ever see a fat cheetah running around no you ever see a fat cow herbivore why corn is high in carbs it's what they eat wyoming back me up on that one man i've got kind of a small frame i got a small frame but that doesn't mean i'm not going to gain some weight i went on uh that cruise was three weeks long i showed back up at home and i had gained 13 pounds on my frame that is huge i show up a dorm i watched oh my did you get stung by a bee i said no there was just a lot of sea days and a lot of good food i didn't know anybody i ate what are we gonna do she goes that's okay i have a diet i've been dying to try out on you so i'm going to just give you this diet people i'm just going to give it to you just in case you ever have too many cookies and you just want to lose some i lost 10 pounds in 10 days on my wife's diet and she was fabulous i'm just gonna give it to you apparently if you are not good with chopsticks it takes you a really long time to get micro small pieces of food into your mouth and after about 20 minutes your brain just says oh hey this is a negative calorie intake situation we are losing energy through this motion not replenishing any shuts off your hunger system 10 pounds in 10 days if you're good at chopsticks just switch hands but 10 pounds in 10 days amazing now i want to be completely honest with you because i only got five minutes left or so i did lose 10 pounds in 10 days that's but my wife only gave me one stick

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,734,936

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Diet, Diet Dry Bar Comedy, Comedy Compilation, Vegan Compilation, KETO Compilation, Stand Up Comedy On KETO, Stand Up Comedy On Vegan, Stand Up Comedy On Vegetarian, Other DIets, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2022, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, 2 hours of Comedy, 2 hour Comedy Show, DBC, Comedy

Id: p223hQP1y2w

Length: 115min 3sec (6903 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 26 2022