When To Lie To Your Wife. Marty Simpson - Full Special

though my six-year-old son is a liar but we were blessed because he has a little mannerism that lets us catch him whenever he lies whenever my son lies he lies so slowly that it's obvious i'm like buddy this vase is broken have you been in here this whole time yes sir alone yes sir did you break it [Laughter] [Music] no i think this little mannerism is going to hurt him later in life in his marriage his wife is going to come in with that new red dress she just bought like whoa how does this dress make me look and walt's going to be like [Applause] skinny when my kids were four and seven years old they learned all the filthy language words from travis and michael next door and um just all the dirty words man i know what to do like what do you do as a dad when your kids learn all the filthy language so i called my mother i was like mom they learned all the foul language from travis and michael next door so so you're off the hook um just thought she should know i just now my wife was like marty we got to make our kids stop playing with travis and michael next door because travis mike i'm teaching all that foul language it's like you're so right but travis and michael have a swimming pool so [Laughter] so i went next door to talk to travis and michael's dad and he immediately cussed me out called travis and michael downstairs cussed them out for custom my kids out and then the three of them together like they had rehearsed it cussed me out in unison it was a spiritual experience it was and then they told me and i'm gonna paraphrase what they said i'm gonna clean it up a little bit that i should go back home and mind my own business so i did and that'll be an important detail later in this story because we recently had like five or six hundred bats in our attic i don't know if y'all have bats out here in utah but in south carolina we have bats and they make like a little noise that a bat sounds like a mouse kind of like a pentecostal mouse this is uh oh sugar boy we have like five or six hundred bats in our attic so we called everyone and no one would do bats except for one guy not even a paid ad just one line in the white pages the bug man but we got lucky because it turns out bug man knew what he was doing and he was a certified lunatic bug man got to my house and went around to the back where they all were and leaned a 24-foot ladder against the back of the house and then hit the gable vent up there in the top like where they all were inside their little louvered gable vent and one bull bat fell out of the nest and started crawling toward the wall and started crawling back up the wall right here and let me clarify we call them bull bats these are not vampire bats or fruit bats that are big and kind of sexy and look like superheroes no these are tiny little two-inch gray furry human beings with wings and fangs and shoulder blades [Music] this bat is crawling back up this wall and gets to about right here and then bug man looks at me and looks up there and hears them all and is like marty how many are up there i was like i don't know bug man like five or six hundred and then bug man picked up a brick and then looked at that back and looked at me and then bug man said well that's one you know people brag about being licensed and bonded yeah i don't think bug man was licensed and bonded i mean he was bonded recently [Music] and he starts to pump this mixture like smell like a combination of like lemon juice and clorox and murder then he saw the look on my face he was like marty this stuff is totally safe for the environment chill out then he strapped on a gas mask threw this stuff over his shoulder and started up the ladder got halfway at the ladder and was like hey marty hold the ladder so this is me at the bottom holding a ladder immediately regretting holding this ladder because he squirts this acid bleach into the gable vent whereupon i hear this [Applause] evidently these bats were now upset and they started to pour out the side of my house like niagara falls of bat coming toward my face and in a moment of clarity i remember that bats can see but they don't use their eyes they use echolocation and they send out a little signal that hits the thing and bounces off that thing and lets the bat know to dodge that thing and i wanted these 500 bass to know for sure that i was a thing so i'm at the bottom [Applause] because here's the thing you can't play chicken with a blind bat they're not looking you can't just be like i'm going to go this way you go that no you just got to stare this down and trust nature that's our poison by my face forming a tsunami of bat in my backyard into an attack position well honey knows an attack position marty cause the leader bat told me well how do you know he was the leader bat because he was sitting right here bug man squirts into this vent until there's no more noise all the bats are out and it magically covers this thing up with an expandable screen and tacks it up there and then slides down this ladder like it's a fireman's pole into the middle of a tornado of 500 bats and he's just like wow look at that we good marty we good you said you had cash bug man you can't be finished he's like oh read that contract you signed i guaranteed at the start of to today that at the end of today there will be no bats left inside your house bug man what is going to happen to all these bats he's like marty chill out about the bats they're going to be fine probably go to that house right there that house with a swimming pool [Applause] deal it's like three months later travis and michael's dad is at his mailbox and i'm at my mailbox and he's like marty i got like five or six hundred bats in my attic do you know anything about that and i was like no man i just been at home minding my own business [Applause] [Music] [Applause] but then he's like no marty marty seriously do you know anything about this do you even know who to call and i was like no so before every little league game that my kids play i tell them no matter what happens in the game tonight kids daddy's always going to love you win or tie so [Music] my kids know that my love language is uh sarcasm so they understand that wintertime means that they can strike out a thousand times and daddy's always gonna love them they i mean they get it they get it like winter tie they know they can strike out a thousand times i mean the night they strike out every time they're gonna ride home with grandma because i mean i'm not gonna be seen with them but you know let's get real but uh i was the head football coach and drama instructor at a high school in south carolina for 10 years yeah that did not work out but it was a conservative christian school in the bible belt in south carolina like what are you allowed to say to those kids at halftime when they're getting their butts kicked huh like you boys need to get back out there and turn the other cheek [Laughter] it was a protestant school not a catholic school so they wouldn't let me run a hail mary just i had to bless billy graham was just not i couldn't get my running back to fake a handoff cause he's like my dad said that's technically lying i was like will you tell your dad that uh we are not going to make the playoffs and he needs to be emotionally prepared for that i used to teach my 11 players on the field to pray for the other team's injured player because i thought as a christian school if they brought the other injury card out to deal with the injured player as a christian school we should show the other school that we were willing to pretend like we cared about him dear lord just lift up the other team's best running back to you and help him get all the way better lord help him get all the way better lord tomorrow cause he is killing us off tackle jesus and i believe it's your will that we win this one and you said you said where two or more are gathered and delusional parents of these private schools want to have a little meeting with coach simpson and explain to me that i'm showing favoritism and then i'm not playing their kid at wide receiver because i just don't like their kid personally i would tell all those rich private school parents the same thing you're right i don't like your son no one at our school does but that has nothing to do with it i don't like the little twerp that is playing wide receiver but guess what he can catch why don't you come to practice every now and then and watch us bounce the ball off your kid's head so then you can understand what god's plan for your kid's life is so baby be in the band i got nothing against the band i was the high school drama instructor i put on the school plays i know that's an odd combination i tell everybody every fall i just acted like the football coach i wrote the school's fight song that the band played every time we scored like four times a year i'm just saying it might be god's plan for your kid's life for him to be in the band instead of on the team because he can't run very far without falling he can't run very fast without coughing he can't even snap his own helmet but he can play the clarinet the only reason your kid is on the team is because my school didn't let me cut players during tryouts they said it's not biblically right to cut a player from tryouts if he's always tried his hardest always had a good attitude and always been on time with his 26 thousand dollar tuition payment i'm quite certain ma'am it outlines for me in the bible the same bible you're looking at how all football coaches should react in a situation like this and it's with love peace patience joyfulness kindness gentleness self-control and all football coaches should be able to cut a kid from the team if it's as bad as your kid is just get out of my office just go in peace and serve the lord because there are video cameras everywhere today [Laughter] so i was fired from that job that's what i'm saying inside i wasn't fired i'm just teasing y'all so it was a mutual mutual decision it's a win-win is what i call that that's uh people are like marty you look like you miss coaching and teaching man you look like you missed it i'm like i miss it every day and they're like would you ever get back into coaching and teach and i was like i would get back into it tomorrow at an orphanage see there's no parents to deal with that an orphanage that's what just making sure we're tracking just now but i don't know if you all know this or not but female comics are told from day one that they're uh not allowed to dress too attractively on stage or else men won't pay attention to their jokes because men are men so as a show of solidarity to all my female comic friends this year on my comedy tour i have been covering up the most attractive parts of my body [Applause] i'm down here i'm down here ma'am i'm down here okay i will not be objectified during my set that's not how this is going to roll out there's uh but i uh i went bald when i was 24. yeah but i got married when i was 22 so right in under that deadline i was uh just touch and go there for a minute but uh beat the buzzer but uh we got married we're 22 and uh i married a little hot awesome great looking little gymnast rockstar cheerleader looking girl and she looked 17 when she was 22. and i was 22 and i looked 22. and then two years later my wife still looks 17 and i look like i look right now so picture me in the grocery store holding hands that little hot 17 year old walking around like mm-hmm what i'm saying is i was arrested like several times people are like marty why don't you just shave it all the way off like just shave it all the way off i can't pull that off i'm not cool enough you got to give off a different vibe than i give off like i give off a vibe that everyone sees immediately basketball referee thank you for proving my point [Applause] if you shave your head all the way off you need to give off a vibe like an undercover government agent i look like an agent a real estate agent besides i can't shave it all the way off because then my head is never the same color tan if i shave my head i look like i'm wearing a permanent swim cap up here she's like michael phelps but i met with bosley hair club transplant treatment center they say it's a transplant like they're curing cancer they said marty we can take the hair out of here and replant it up here and i was like well what'll keep it from falling out from up there and they're like oh well the hair back here is not susceptible to the hormone that causes baldness i was like well how do you know that and they're like cause it's still there i'm listening they said it would just cost forty eight thousand dollars four payments of twelve thousand dollars to solve all of my anxiety with my male pattern baldness yeah that was a really quick conversation i met with another company that wanted one payment to do the same exact thing uh 2295 lids [Applause] you know my school was awesome though because we had um kids from all over the globe kids from korea china africa and i used to brag that i taught kids from zambia because i thought that was cool i taught two kids from zambia named lusungu and tandizo sabande these names have not been changed to protect the innocent [Music] lusungu is an african word that means mercy of god and tandizo is an african word that means thomas mr bondae came into my office one day and she burst in there just like oh ships i can't find my keys where my keys i cannot live in my car tell them to my keys where my keys go simpson okay timeout i realized talking with my southern accent dress the way i'm dressed sounding the way i'm sounding i don't come across as the wokest guy in this room okay but i'm not implying that all women from the continent of africa sound this way when they speak that would be insensitive i am not doing that but i am doing a perfect impression of one woman from zambia who i knew for 10 years and loved dearly and you know what i'm not even doing an impression of her i'm not mocking her i'm letting you know exactly what i heard in my brain which sounded like this oh coach said i could have put my keys where are my keys i can't leave my card over my keys where are my keys chris simpson let me slow it down oh coach simpson where are my keys i cannot leave in my car until i find my keys where are my keys coach simpson so i looked for this woman's keys for a half hour until lusungu and tandizo came running around the corner and she said oh here are my keys well that would explain why she was looking at me like i was crazy for a half hour looking for her kids in desk drawers [Music] lockers underneath bleachers and picture me saying you know mr bondi i saw something here third period maybe the janitor got him it is friday he probably locked him in his office for the weekend unless he took him home with him then i in which case you're probably never gonna see him again surely you can just make another set you know and if you let me help you with that it would take like five minutes at walmart it costs like a dollar eighty miss jackson needed my help like three times last semester i used to lose mine all the time miss sabande so finally i just tied him to a string so i could swing him around and around and round and then i just keep them tied to my belt that's when i was fired right they had us when i was fired right well my 13 year old daughter over the summer started to grow horizontally instead of vertically it's not what you're thinking just like right in this area right here started to grow out of the side so she could put her hand on it she kind of moves her head now when she talks anybody else have this 13 year old [Laughter] it's just me it's just my bad parenting that calls this my daughter is a rock star she's the coolest kid ever kids love her parents love her every coach that's ever coached her lover i wouldn't change a hair on her head she's perfect but when she's talking to me without a hand on her hip and her head moving back and forth i don't care what she's saying to me i feel like she's talking back to me dad we made you breakfast in bed happy father's day go to your room right now that is unacceptable but it turns out we found out she's got scoliosis okay ma'am you're horrible for laughing at that i don't know what you're bent over laughing at the scoliosis i don't even know what that's what's happening right there this is not a joke my daughter has a 60 degree curve in the bottom of her spine and a 35 45 degree curve in the top of her spine makes a huge s which she said was for savannah she's like dad you're not going to stop talking about me on stage are you i was like no so i'm not making fun of the disability that my daughter has i'm not making it up it's a true story she had a miraculous surgery that was incredible on her 14th birthday all through the summer cut her back open the doctor did 20 inch scar down the back fused 13 of her vertebra to two titanium rods put 26 three inch screws two per vertebrae all the way up seven hour procedure seven units of blood seven nights in the hospital seven weeks in the bed seven months of rehab thirty years ago she would have been nine months in a body cast before she could walk and the night of her surgery because of new technology they needed to change her sheets and she just hopped up from the bed and moved out of the way and a lot of crowds clap right then but i can tell you i don't care at all no no stop it's way too late there was a clear window there was a clear window where you could have proved that you had a soul and you failed miserably god knows your heart but she said dad you're the only dad conservative enough to have his daughter's back fused to two titanium rods just so i'll never be able to twerk i was like i would have done that when you were five savannah i didn't know i didn't know how do you punish your teenage kids in today's world how do you punish them [Music] i think we're going to camp out over here for a second you said smack them the girl that i pointed you said that's fine well that's fine we won't ruin my special with that that's fine you take their phone that's the right answer at every show every show the first thing that said has been take their phone for like a lot of years until provo [Music] when for the record the first thing that was said from this section was smack him [Music] she didn't even ask she didn't even ask like for what offense what did they do wrong like you punish him for missing their homework smack him you punish him for staying out like 15 minutes past smack them you punish them for not eating their broccoli smack them [Laughter] how do you punish your teenage kids you take their phone right you take their phone it's not enough though it's not enough to take their phone here's my public service announcement to you you have to do more than that you have to take your teenage daughter's phone but you leave it logged in to her instagram and then you take that phone as her at two in the morning that night and you scroll on her timeline to all the boys that you know she thinks are good looking and then you scroll back a year and a half on their timeline like [Music] and then you start incessantly liking every photo from a year and a half ago i like like like like like like like like like and then you found that new haircut photo of the boy you know she has a crush on and you comment as her i really like your hair in this photo thumbs up thumbs up thumbs up hundred hundred hundred fire fire fire hashtag she will never misbehave again you're welcome so there are alternatives ma'am i'm just saying thank y'all [Music] local man robs wendy's with alligator for the alligator boys now [Music] mom

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 518,841

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Marty Simpson, Marty Simpson Dry Bar Comedy, Marty Simpson Comedy, Marty Simpson Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2021, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Lying to your wife, lying son, cant lie, bats, bug man, bat infestation, tornado

Id: ukQ4zkCjeX0

Length: 27min 20sec (1640 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 16 2021