The Chernobyl Olafs Rise (r/BrandNewSentences)

rescue cat five years ago can i sit here is is that cool i'm sorry if it's not thank you so much for not hating me it's really nice i love you rescue cat today i snuck into the pantry and ate all the crackers clean up my vomit you swine for i am the ruler of the living room welcome back you lovely degenerates today we're doing some r slash brand new sentence i haven't done this one in like a year so it'll be kind of fun to look at it again we drink boba tea to satisfy our ancient and innate urge to slurp their tadpoles from a puddle through a reed no we absolutely do not oh that's a great mental image the scene in lady and the [ __ ] but as our lips meet i continue to suck you feel the pasta travel back up your throat my pasta my pasta what kind of sick god would allow us to live in a world with 14 saw movies and only one rabbit do we film why pirates knocked up shrek we all make mistakes in the heat of passion jimbo apparently at ikea bags are a great way to restrain angry swans i would like to suggest the bags are given a new name to reflect their true usage something like a beard gundane or yonk halt getting someone pregnant makes you a father but secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and said old faithful off in their face makes you a dab here's a concept me riding your ceiling fan like a gargoyle you smacking me with a broom both of us are yelling so the funniest hp lovecraft story is the one where some guy's family offended an evil wizard who then cursed his entire family saying that all the men would die before they hit like 30. the protagonist is going crazy trying to find a spell to break the curse and then the big reveal was that the wizard was literally just breaking into their house and killing them himself you know this is this is missing my favorite detail namely that evil wizard is named charos le sorcerer chuck wizard's curse and shoot you in the face if my son wants apple juice i give him half water and half apple juice but the juice i buy is already watered down the first time this kid has a glass of full sugar apple juice he's gonna power bobby through our coffee table hey so do you think the top part of a mermaid also tastes like fish or that it would actually be red meat like would there be a solid line where the meat changes in their body or would it kind of blend could you make a surf and turf platter with one carcass hmm finally someone's out here asking the real questions no more of this 5g or if birds are real this is the real kind of questions we live for how the human brain works electricity tickles the meat so that different slimes come out sometimes the slime feels good sometimes bad some people make more bad slime than good slime that's called clinical depression my biology textbook said it was more like a sauce what is a sauce but slime with a purpose so i opened my front door and heard one of my neighbors yell at another one they're lesbians i'm pretty sure they know what days the trash is supposed to go out which is not a stereotype i knew existed but but honestly i i don't mind it is there an event more traumatic than the birth of a baby giraffe like being air dropped six feet into this cold harsh world standing on wobbly legs and coming to terms with the fact your main purpose in life is to eat tall leaf i don't mind mosquitoes sucking my blood i have plenty to go around what annoys me is the need to inject the itch juice into my skin like i'm already feeding you why are you being such a [ __ ] imagine if i slapped my mom every time she made me dinner if you don't buy my plushie to protect you from the mole people they will inject you with the itch issues act fast before it's too late here's a question for y'all women get to smell like real things vanilla lavender but man men have to smell like concepts like like what the [ __ ] is a cool sport rush i mean the dude has a point i just picked up an old spice deodorant that was like the wolf thorn what the [ __ ] is a wolf thorn okay so the absolute [ __ ] height of comedy is scientists and scholars getting into fights over incredibly niche subjects the idea of nerds and lab coats and suits getting close to blows over something that only like 20 people care about is so funny the mills and scholars screamed and argued about how the serpent was supposed to move before it crawled in its belly dr matthews enraged that dr goldstein could believe this serpent bounced around on the coiled end of its tail flipped over the conference table satan is not a pogo stick ah he he held this is what real comedy looks like so in brazil we were just hit by a huge cold front and in some parts of the country people are seeing snow for the first time now brazilian media is filled with american influences so we've seen a lot of snow on tv and now that we finally got our hands in the stuff we decided to have some fun right so the only problem is is that brazilians really don't know how to build snowman and uh [Laughter] the brazilian media is now calling our stoneman journalists in the welsh christmas tradition of mario lloyd a horse school visits your home seeing rhymes outside your door that's not even the best part the person inside needs to sing back with excuses why lloyd can't come in it goes back and forth until one gives up if the person in the house can't respond they let lloyd in and it gets to raid your pantry and drink all your beer so wait wait you're so so you're rap battling a horse skeleton to keep you all your alcohol and here i thought the welsh had nothing to offer besides consonants i mean i don't mean to brag but like i made 13 cents on robinhood this week so you could pretty much say i'm the slightly less warren buffett what you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed me i'm having more added where did you think the ears were going that's right my mouth i have 107 wisdom teeth now my wisdom has never been higher and i am i i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens sticking my [ __ ] rotisserie chickens i i like got this splatoon stuck on my ceiling and i'm not able to get it down several hours later you're not going to believe what object dislodged itself in the ceiling and began its descent to the floor creating a loud meaty schlapp sound upon impact waking me up in the tender hours of the night oh my god if baby oil dissolves condoms what the f does it do to babies question mark question mark question mark this this may be shocking but babies and condoms are made of different material it sounds kind of like rock paper scissors baby oil defeats condom baby defeats baby oil and condom defeats baby hello vegans if pigs are so smart why do 66 of them build houses with ineffective stupid materials checkmate vegans our specialist pasta with squid ink uh okay uh what one question why have you done this you had some perfectly good carbs there and you covered them in a cephalopods tactical escape jizz no thanks could i get a porcupine quill pizza instead maybe a hamburger with all the bones how is it get over slavery but uh you know 9 11 is still you know never forget well because more people died in 9 11 than slaves ever what i've been on twitter on and off for about 11 years and i i can honestly say with no word of exaggeration i think this is quite possibly the single dumbest tweet ever quote leaves of cabbage is that what's in your head just five wilted leaves of cabbage why on earth hasn't anyone invented a less terrifying way to open biscuits and cinnamon rolls peel and pop now these things are kind of spooky well it's simple because squishing that much biscuit into that little space theatre's on the edge of hubris the pop is to keep us humble to remind us that death comes for all all right so here i am i spent 6k in over 40 hours building my 100 movie accurate group costume and yet all the idiots in my office can't stop emailing about shannon's dumbass toddler's bullsh baby groot costume that honestly looks like a turd in a marshmallow jesus dude he's not wrong though i'm sorry shannon the united states marine corps developed a new model grenade where you can stack the grenades as much as you want as demonstrated here imagine being a terrorist in a trench and a double-decker taliban wrecker lands and blows your whole group up you know you know that that's like you know cool and all but my first thought was just a bunch of marines at like either blocking each other over the head like these were like wrapping paper rolls or sort of fighting with the stack grenades so i remember my granddad saying that condoms were so widely available in his unit that they had competitions of what was the most ludicrous thing you could fit a condom over but uh after a soldier reported to the medic after having being bitten by a snake after trying to give it a raincoat the uh the ceo uh put an end to it remember the holy white doves are just white rock dubs aka the common pigeon doves are just pigeons with white privilege i'm sorry but the norwegian butter crisis of 2011 just just confuses my goddamn brain because how the actual [ __ ] does an entire country run out of butter did norway just like come downstairs like opens fridge oh [ __ ] i'm so sorry for this move all right one more one one more time [Laughter] i have no idea how to say that um i was gonna explain how the butter crisis happened but but then i noticed your hilarious attempt at writing we've run out of butter i'm not sure if you know but you basically just wrote we drove out of the lubrication and here i am over here trying to pronounce like the swedish chef just completely butchering a language while talking about lubrication isn't that great many people have been using quarantine as a time to perfect their bread or coffee making skills but i i personally have taken this as an opportunity to make increasingly unsettling eggs oh dear gaze upon them nobody medieval frog defending his child from fiery skeleton [Music] or or telekinetic frog plays local man who doesn't understand personal space me can i go to the bathroom teacher i don't know can you me about to [ __ ] myself to prove a point [Music] you know arguing grammar and semantics with someone with a loaded butt is a dangerous game to play you heard the goblin if you don't buy a plushie then mo people are gonna eject you with the itchy juice anyways that's actually gonna be a limited time offer it's almost over so pick one up before it's too late thank you all for watching i really appreciate it and you know and be sure to check out my twitter discord and stuff like that and i'll i'll see you all next time yeah

Channel: Oz Media

Views: 397,896

Rating: 4.9742227 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, satire, comedy, funny, r/brandnewsentence, meIrl, me_irl, r/meirl, r/me_irl, r/tumblr, tumblr posts, tumblr, brand new sentence, sentences, memes, meme compilation

Id: LmSm9-D8T9o

Length: 13min 52sec (832 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 26 2020