Totally "Not" My "Wife" (r/SuspiciouslySpecific)

Bank drive-through window me in Italian I'd like to make it up eyes it bank teller hey buddy wait I remember you me crazy leapord marinara sauce new vacuum tube welcome back you lovely to generates time prison suspiciously specific with a little bit of oddly specific sprinkled in anyways let's get on with it a so those SpaceX lads aren't due back for a while that's a that's plenty of time for everyone to buy a gorilla suit and learn to ride a horse alright so hear me out so it turns out a squirrel would need to file about 4,800 miles in order to die because that would give it time to starve to death because they can survive terminal velocity Rachel I am begging you it is 2:30 in the morning how would history change if there was a giant disembodied hand that zooms around the planet and crushes one random person with its index finger every day it's called the hand and it's only slightly faster than you [Music] British cooking shows tell us about this we taught you made the crust is just lovely American cooking shows we've replaced your knives Phillips head screwdrivers and released raccoons into the kitchen the clock you set for 30 seconds please bake us based in the Middle East you wake up you're still a lizard sunning on a Red Rock it was all a dream the concept of selling feet picks to pay back student loans is already losing its meaning as you open in lick your own high balls to moisten them and eat a bug y'all remember when you file your parents saying I'll give you something to cry about I meant day we're gonna hit you but but instead they gave you several mental illnesses that haunt you for life doubt stalked by giant to meter tall 95 deal kangaroo with a torn ear who emerges from the bushes to terrorize dog walkers in golfers just staring in front of the baths just I gotta catch you I got our culture is ok wait a sec I can't breathe give me a dog out our country's chasing your six little husky puppy rather yar the duck in your underwear for 25 minutes because she's still it on account of the kitchen counters you're afraid should choke of the pit alright so if you're gonna do a gender-reveal party don't play coy with a colored smoke or whatever when you blow up that cake I expect to see a giant sign saying it's a penis showers of dicks raining down like confetti you invited us here to celebrate genitals Karen you wanted this gorillas don't know any body building techniques so we've probably never seen one of their full strength just saying you know it's it's more terrifying you think that a gorilla could rip your arms off and use them to forcibly penetrate you through both ends and have your disembodied hands high-five in your upper intestine add a fraction of its full strength okay okay so like never ask your teenager how you look today and nicely prepared for them to say like you look Amish or you look like you sell essential oils and don't vaccinate your kids like like wow thanks I miss the old days when a Karen was just the woman who flushed all our coke a time a toilet Karen why did you do that Karen that was worth $60,000 that was all the money we had Karen why did you do that why oh my god oh my god sometimes I just ignore an on a because there's a problem I learned in a Nigerian movie that said you cannot run naked after a madman in the street after he is taking your clothes away from you because the public will not know who is the mad person between the two of you you know I okay I feel like this proverb was based on first-hand experience sees two naked men running down the street maybe it should be a rowboat so last night Corona led me down a YouTube rabbit hole and I ended up watching a video of an Australian cheese maker making parmesan he starts his videos by saying get a carrot nerds and all the comments are just Italians telling me all himself restaurant raccoon in trench coat one egg waiter one egg suspicious you're not from around here are you - two eggs uh-huh yes that that's a normal quantity of eggs mucuna excitedly five eggs hmm so for social anxiety it smells like a list of replanned excuses are you kidding me I really did break my glass eye and set the waterbed on fire me explaining that if you run bottom shelf vodka from a Brita filter it'll taste almost like upper-mid shelf vodka right my therapist hoping I'll die soon never ask a woman her age Amanda to get her [ __ ] life together no seriously Amanda get your [ __ ] life together just divorce Paul I'm sick of hearing you argue every night and no I don't care that your son graduated a year before me no one dies Mia is the happiest most enchanting experience of my life hi Brina nothing Azumi myself at Olive Garden my brain a core memory i slashed ask reddit what is something everyone can agree is a dick move I me like randomly switching to newborn babies in a hospital so they're raised by the wrong parents just saying so one night with me or the ps5 you know the ps5 won't stand me up on our anniversary when we had reservations for over a month and you claim you're at work late and couldn't answer your phone because it died even though all my messages got delivered - then find out on snapchat you were actually at TopGolf with your ex you know I could have what Ted Bundy's ass i mutter to myself from under my three layers of blankets as I shove my fifth consecutive mega stuffed Oreo my mouth and readjust my beanie hat which has teddy bear ears on it I think a sip of sleepy time tea but it's too hot so I gently blow on it thrash metal drummer awakens from coronavirus coma does it big sayin is that cool anymore will Carol of death angel says I don't think sayings quite as cool as I used to I'm sorry but like out of context this is really [ __ ] funny I'm just gonna assume that he went to hell bet say and realize the guy was just a loser okay but like that that's literally what happened though when he was in the coma he had a near-death experience where he went to hell and found out Satan looked like a Jabba the Hutt asked monster who vomited blood all over him for being too lazy I am NOT making this up and then he woke up and he was like you know satanic metal is still a banger but like the guy sucks your mom gets a new boyfriend he's a gamer God he's the guy who beats you in halo 12 years ago and he said he's gonna your mom bad man you know just like hanging out with old people rules because after a while they trust you enough to confess to murder totally unprompted but wait what yeah just like sometimes old ladies had to kick the ladder out from under her stepfathers when they were girls and like you know that's valid ice it blindfolded a woman in a lab coat feeds me a Twix left she marks her notes three hundred and twenty nine consecutive correct guesses me switching lanes to a lane that merges into the lane i I just switched from [Laughter] this mistake a couple of times you just you know you merge over not familiar with the area and then the road just bridges you right back just kind of a big goof moment being a head actress must be like so weird just just imagine this you're in a soundproof room pleasurably screaming into an 800 thousand yen microphone about how much you love old man dinner at 10:47 a.m. on a Tuesday in October while your 45 year old boss oversees you through a glass window from the other room you eventually look up after two hours of practicing your unnaturally high pitch moans and see him giving you a big thumbs up please you pretend to have an orphan some people have resting [ __ ] Adam driver on the other hand has resting professor of theology listening to his students present a report on religious symbolism in medieval art that they copied off of Wikipedia face it does it does have a hint of disappointment to it perks of wearing a mask that don't involve elf men don't tell you to smile you can pretend not to recognize people you know no one can see you mouthing the ancient forest witch's curse that turns people into stone when a man tells me he's looking for a real woman i I scare you away because I'm actually three owls in a raincoat and he mustn't find out okay damn it okay so like every time I think I've met like a perfect girl it's three raccoons in a trench coat who robbed me again every time is it a coincidence that they're posted so close to each other I think not James II will drink one medium caramel latte nadia is single thing till 4:00 p.m. verbally abused erases crack a joke about their mental health and pick up a tear gas canister with their bare hands but then get nervous when they have to call to make a doctor's appointment when you put a nicotine patch on him every night when he sleeps with you so he eyes withdrawals when you're not together and he becomes addicted to hanging out with you Jesus Christ alright / ask reddit in a human voice what is the worst place to be caught jerking off okay not that this happened to me but but coming home and jerking off in the living room while there's a bunch of guests hiding hiding out behind the curtains because they wanted to wish you a surprise birthday party student like I just don't understand why my grade was so low how did I do in my research paper teacher actually you didn't turn in a research paper you turned in a random assemblage of sentences in fact the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night enforced to this violent an arbitrary plan of yours clearly seem to be placed on the pages against their will reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place you didn't submit a research paper you submitted a hostage situation Chester Fritz library wanted someone to climb into this hole in the library for us job requirements limber trusting has not read the Cask of Amontillado by Edgar Allan Poe that one's very important I mean you gotta repair the foundation somehow am i right you know the BDSM community should get in on the protest if hordes of leather-clad people charging in to rubber bullets you like a harder daddy doesn't unnerve the police I nothing will don't worry guys this is not my wife completely not just disregard it's an Idaho plate what the hell wait I recognize this part of the highway what the hell man you know I realized like ten years too late you can probably feel one of these no no you can't the inside layer is do tight so when you move the outside with your hand the inside doesn't move or like I mean or like so I'm told I wouldn't I wouldn't actually do with it can we go to heaven with tattoos no people with tattoos will not go to heaven people who drink alcohol will not go to heaven people lead too much pork will also not go to heaven and short people will not go to heaven they're too close to hell hey welcome to the out trail you lovely degenerates um you should know what to do you've been on this website long enough so yeah 500k is creeping up real soon that means mini eyes gets his special that's fun to work on and I got a gaming channel where I'm doing streams so whoo

Channel: Oz Media

Views: 916,297

Rating: 4.9635162 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, satire, comedy, funny, suspiciously specific, r/suspiciouslyspecific, r/suspiciously specific, meirl, me_irl, r/meirl, r/me_irl, wholsome memes, wholeosmememes, r/wholesomememes, r/, meirl oz, me_irl oz

Id: Qb68X0MAty0

Length: 13min 30sec (810 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 13 2020