RECOGNIZING UNHEALTHY LOVE PATTERNS by R.C. BLAKES

on Sunday and hope my connection is good I'm in a hotel tonight so hopefully my connection is good and it really deals with understanding and and even overcoming unhealth unhealthy love patterns is my connection good I don't see anybody talking to me let's see it's always it's always unpredictable in a hotel is my connection good and good evening good evening alright I see people coming in now but it basically deals with a dealt with recognizing and overcoming unhealthy love patterns and I have to be honest with you this was stimulated by what I consider to be I had never heard of her before or seen her before but I considered to be a brilliant young psychotherapist that I just kind of stumbled upon the other day and she was using this illustration I was actually searching for videos or her video and I couldn't find it for some reason but when I find it I don't remember her name when I find it I will put her put that particular video in the description because she used a brilliant illustration that kind of drove this thought that I had about toxic love you know when when loving someone else is is depleting or hurting me or as I used the title in this video you know overcoming or recognizing unhealthy love patterns and it resonated with me and I'll share that illustration with you because it's really going to drive I kind of added to the illustration but it's really going to drive the four points that we're going to make in this particular session because love you know when you think about it it's very very it's extremely risky to actually love and when I when I used the term love I'm not necessarily just talking about a romantic type love but just loving in general loving family loving friends loving coworkers it can be very very taxing and it can be draining and it can be depleting when one does not understand how to love properly because the greatest attribute now listen to this very carefully the greatest attribute of truly loving people when you truly love people the greatest attribute is that you feel you you feel what they feel do you feel what they're going through or what they're dealing with so when love has no boundaries when love has no rules it then becomes toxic it becomes watch this toxic for you as the lover as well as it becomes toxic for them it's toxic both ways and love should never hurt love should never hurt love should never hurt in first John 4 chapter 4 verse 7 verses 17 and 18 he says here in Aaron is I love me perfect on the tour or developed that we may have boldness in the day of judgment because as he is so are we in this world and here's the principle that I want us to lift from this there is no fear in love but mature love perfect love casteth out fear because fear hath torment he that feareth is not made perfect in love so true love should not involve fear it should not involve torment and there are there are many people that are watching this live and will even watch the replay of this who are tormented by the love relationships that they're involved in there are many people who are in full-blown depression because of the love they have for their children or the whatever kind of love it is they have for their parents or whatever kind of love it is they have for their friends it's because it is it becomes a what and unhealthy love it's not a love that is developed on a tort it's not a love that is based in God it's not a love that is based on principle because the driving force of love as I just said in other terms is what empathy when I love you I feel you know I feel whatever you're going through that's just the natural fall out of loving but now it's on me the onus is on me to be mature enough to know what to do with those feelings that I have or that empathy that I feel for you and here's one of the things that the young lady brought out the young psychotherapist brought out that was so powerful and I knew this but I'd never put this together and she made the statement that there are two types of empathy there's emotional empathy and then there's cognitive empathy and I won't explain that because I'm getting ready to explain that so let's jump right in point number one let me not do the black Baptist preached on you then talk a whole half-hour before I get to the point point number one we start looking at these the patterns of of unhealthy unhealthy love or toxic empathy or unhealthy empathy is emotional empathy emotional empathy and here's where the illustrations come in and man this is this is powerful because it like some mints it to your soul you know when I heard her I said wow I have to share that with my with my people and what she did was she used the illustration of she start talking about emotional empathy she illustrated what emotional empathy looks like by showing us the picture of not the picture but giving us a visual image you know she told the story or made the illustration of a nursery you know filled with kids that says three babies that were just born and you go to that nursery and these three babes have just gotten here so there's been no development no no growth you know just trying to figure out what the world is all about and they get into this common place this nursery and one baby starts to cry maybe that baby has gas or whatever and that baby starts to cry because it feels pain now the other two babies may not feel any pain they may not have gas but when they when the one here is the the other baby cry there's something in the human spirit that makes him or her feel the anguish of the other individual and so because he's not been here long enough to develop rules for living and loving he or she feels that of a baby and then takes on the energy of that of a baby and so that baby the second baby begins to cry he doesn't even know why the first baby is crying because I'm hurting the second baby is crying because you're crying and then the third baby like you know here in everybody else cry so the third baby chimes in and the third baby is crying because the other two a crime they all they're all in the same space feeling the same energy and that is you know to some crude degree that is a visual on what emotional empathy looks like in how it functions in other words you you are an individual but you begin to randomly take on the energy of other people let me just read some of the stuff I wrote this is where you internalize emotional empathy is where you internalize other people's experiences and you have an emotional reaction to something that's not even your business you have a complete and total meltdown about somebody else's issues because you feel what they're going through and you have empathy for them but that empathy that you have is emotional so you take on the energy of other people and you you go into depression about something that's not even your business it's something for you to feel and it's something for you to empathize and it's something for you to you know do your best to encourage but it's not something for you to take into your personal life and run yourself into a heart attack or stroke over somebody else's issue or somebody else's energy but how many of you that are watching me right now are in a position where you've taken on the negative energy of multiple people you go to your job and you come home with all of these other people's energy and you you bring you bring a negativity and you bring a heaviness into what should be an otherwise healthy family life but now your children are feeling your your you know your heaviness your your spouse is feeling your heaviness because you have you're having this emotional empathic reaction to somebody else's stuff and you have not matured enough to know how to process it or what to do with it and so it's become what unhealthy for you in the Bible says in proverbs 22 24 and 25 says make no friendship with an angry man and with a furious man thou shalt not go lest I learn his ways and get a snare to you so what is showing us here is that energy is transferable spirits of transfer and when you are immature and undeveloped in the ways of relationships and you have this deeply empathic nature you'll find yourself taking on other people's issues and at the end of the day it really has nothing to do with you and and you you you you're made to feel like that was proverbs 22 24 and 25 you're made to feel like that there's something almost immoral and that it makes you a bad person for you to be able to compartmentalize and say well that's your issue I feel for you if I can help you I will but I'm not going to take your issue and make it mine so I'm not just gonna start screaming in this nursery because you're screaming I understand that you're hurting but there's a better way to deal with this then for me to chime into your energy that doesn't help you nor does it help me but how many folks do you know who are emotional empath and are just simply ticking on the energy of other people and then you take that person and you drop them in a toxic environment where you have emotional vampires people who are intentionally seeking to drain you and what would you know what do you think outcome of that is let me read emotional empathy also accounts for what makes us long for the people who abuses and what is it Stockholm Syndrome trauma bonds is where you have a person that abuses you and that person you know probably in a lot of instances to manipulate you know will share how rough their childhood was after they've abused you nobody's ever been there and rather than holding on to the reality that this person is a is an abuser that this person is probably a sociopath you begin to connect with the person's you know less-than-stellar background and you begin to feel for the person to the point that you no longer feel what you should be feeling for you and so now you're longing for when God has delivered you from a person that did nothing but harm you you're longing for a person that abuse you because you have this emotional empathy oh if I could just I believe I can change them that there it is I think that's probably the that's probably the the you know the driving theme of people the way people think or how these people think I believe I can change them they just didn't hurt nobody ever really loved them and I believe I believe I can I believe I can love them into you know a revelation of the right way and the reality is that you're just constantly setting yourself up for more and more abuse okay number two the illustration continues so the first part of illustration was we see the babes they just were born all three of them are in the nursery the one cries the other to chime in they just have this emotional connection to the first baby and to each other and so they're just kind of sharing each other's energy without any understanding as to what's really going on in the world or why okay now the babes have grown a little bit and now they're toddlers and the next scenario shows the babies of course as toddlers the one here's the other toddler crying again this is another toddler in this individual toddler is crying and the toddler that here's the other toddler cried feels for feels the pain in the toddler's voice the other toddler's voice now the toddler knows that something the topper that's listening to the other baby cry knows that something needs to be done so what he chooses to do is to take his toy and bring his toy and give to the baby that's crying first scenario they just all started crying second scenario the the toddler doesn't cry with the baby but rather he takes his toy and brings his toy to give to the crying baby the crying baby stops and the toddler for a minute feels a sense of fulfillment because I helped to stop the pain that I felt in you but now he realizes that I cured your pain by creating a depletion of my own I have I have depleted and broken me in my attempt to fix you and right there you can write codependence a codependency it's where you love but you find your sense of fulfillment in meeting some other person's needs and you you build a whole life and you build a whole identity on Denton and on being the savior of the day let me read so the baby depletes himself to solve another person's crisis this is where most people get stuck this is where most people get stuck in life finding their sense of purpose and value in meeting other people's needs and this is not the will of God some of you that's all you do on a daily basis as you go around through the world putting out other people's fires meeting other people's needs and at the end of the day you come home your needs are unmet because no one's there to meet yours but you're constantly taking your toys bringing your toys to someone else who at this time should have learned how to locate their own toys and especially if you're in the church in the church you know how we are in the church if you're in a church where they're not really bringing balance to this thing we're almost teaching people that it's the Christian thing to do to give up everything you have to meet somebody else's need and then what happens is you have users that step into your life or narcissist as some of you call them that are strictly there to take advantage of your christ-like empathy that has no corresponding rulebook when you love without rules you set yourself up to be game for the predator and the Bible says in 2nd Thessalonians chapter 3 verses 10 through 12 one of my favorite text for even when we were with you 2nd Thessalonians 3 10 through 12 for even when we were with you this we commend why don't y'all give me some thumbs up on this year I'm learning something they said if if I can get my thumbs up that it'll it can put my videos before more people so and I noticed the last time you all you know just went overboard with the thumbs it really projected that video out so as you as you watch please give me some thumbs up second Thessalonians 3 10 through 12 says for even when we were with you this we commanded you that if any would not work neither should he eat you you don't work you should eat for we hear that there are some which walk among you disorderly working not at all but are busybodies now them that are such we command and exhort by our Lord Jesus Christ that with quietness as they work and eat their own bread says if if a fellas not working you're not supposed to take from your family and from your table and go and feed a cat that could be working for himself but he chooses the weight on you to bring your toys now let me give you let me read this year definition of codependency it is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction poor mental health immaturity irresponsibility or underachievement among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity you become so married to this way of bringing your toy to to rescue somebody from their plight that you make an entire identity around you know this superhero type lifestyle but sometimes rescuing broken people can become your dysfunctional identity you begin to create co-dependent relationships the codependent needs to give everything to a toxic person to feel fulfilled or let me say a codependent needs to give everything to feel fulfilled they need to give their bottle away they need to give their toy away and then they sit and they wonder now why why am I feeling fulfilled and a sense of lack at the same time why am I feeling fulfilled but I'm feeling sad at the same time so the codependent needs to give everything away to feel fulfilled the flipside of that coin is a narcissist who has to take everything from another person to feel fulfilled so you put the two of them in the same circle and mind you a lot of narcissus so what searching out toxic empaths people who just don't know how to control their impulses when they feel somebody else's issues and so you have these users that come in and they take take take take take and the the the empath is giving or the codependent is giving giving giving giving giving and as I was thinking about this I thought about the most popular biblical narcissist the most popular biblical narcissist is Jezebel and Jezebel you know was a queen her husband was King Ahab she was the queen husband was King Ahab and Jezebel was was a witch Jezebel worshipped a lot of Idol gods and so she married a hab Jezebel needed power to facilitate her plan he have had the power so she married a have to utilize him for his power he hab the codependent gives Jezebel everything she needs to fulfill her mission and so the two just kind of fed on each other Jezebel was a narcissist and he had was her codependent he lived to supply Jezebel if Jezebel had not had a hab she would not have had the platform to be able to carry out the diabolical deeds that she did but she found out what codependent he needed to give what he had Jezebel needed to take what he had I hope this is making sense I'm not explaining it as well as the young lady did and again I say I didn't say it in the beginning but I'll say it now you know I'm no I'm no mental health profession so those of you that are psychologists or whatever whatever whatever you know I'm sure you can pick holes through my stuff but I'm just I'm just sitting here I'm a student and I'm learning and as I'm learning I'm sharing y'all give me some more thumbs up I need about a thousand of them if you can do it okay let me give you this number three so the first thing we said was emotional empathy we see the babies three newborns one crying the other chimed in there's just this emotional connection then we see the codependent where the the one child toddler cries the other child brings his toy gives his toy to the toddler to meet the toddler's need the toddler stops crying but now the child that gave up his tour it realizes that something's missing for me now here's the third which is what cognitive empathy this is where you begin to really develop and grow in your relationship skills cognitive empathy so let's get to the third scene here's the third scenario the last time we saw that the toddlers the one was crying the other was bringing him or her his or her toy to help him or her stop crying meeting that need with his own supply cognitive empathy here's the third scenario shows the toddler hearing the other toddler cry feels what the other toddler must be feeling goes over to the toddler almost sounds like the same scene we just left but it's a little different goes over to the other table but this time rather than taking the toddler by the hand or giving the time of the histoy he takes the totter by the hand and walks the toddler over to his own poised and says to the toddler choose one so you can stop crying it's called cognitive empathy what is that that's where what you feel relative to other people then just get doesn't get caught up in your emotions you process the emotion as you're feeling it but you allow it to register in your brain and you make let me read it so that I can see it clearly this is where you love a person feel for them but make them participate in their own outcome you teach them to tap their own resources cognitive empathy is when you feel for person watch this and you have an intelligent response that helps them to help themselves it's where okay I hear you I feel you I'm not going to change I'm not going to just take your energy into me and just go there with you that's not gonna help you is not gonna help me it's not my issue it's your issue I'm not going to take and deplete myself to get you out of whatever it is you're in rather I'm going to feel you but I'm gonna love you enough to bring you and show you how to meet your own need now if you don't want to meet your own need that's not my problem but I'm gonna I'm gonna have a cognitive response to what's going on rather than an emotional response I'm not gonna burst out crying because you're crying that's gonna do neither of us any good I'm going to think and I'm going to help you to make a a wise and intelligent choice that can change your life in John chapter 5 verses 2 through 9 there's this man that's been lying by this pool for 38 years and I'm almost done y'all thank you thank you thank you thank you I didn't see the name but thank you he's been lying by this pool for 38 years and Jesus sees him and knows that he's been there a long time in Jesus asked a man do you want to be made oh he says oh I ain't got nobody to help me every time I try to get in somebody to get him before me ish you know just is excuses do you want to be made oh well you know I know but nobody everybody else jumping in before me I can't seem to get in I didn't ask you that do you want to be made hope rise take up your bed and walk I'll get up and the man the Bible says the man received strength in his legs and he got up but notice something Jesus didn't lay hands on him you read the text as it's written John 5 2 through 9 Jesus didn't lay hands on him Jesus didn't even help him up Jesus gave him a command for him to help himself and when he tried when he did what he could do then the power of God kicked in to help him to do what he never thought he could do so Jesus didn't have an emotional response he had a cognitive response and a spiritual response is this making sense thinking Michelle is this making sense alright I'm done watch this number 4 and here's the scene the final scene same table a little older now crying again in the middle of the nursery school one of the other toddlers goes over to the table just like before and says what's wrong with you why are you crying toddler continues to cry the other time it says to the toddler that's crying I showed you where your toys were now go over there get your toys and stop all that is crying see notice the difference the last time the toddler took the time to walk him or her to where the toys were this time he's telling him or her your toys over there go and do what you need to do this is not my issue and I would appreciate it if you do not spoil my nursery school experience with your drama you can save all that drama for your mama when you get home but here you need to shut up I'll go get your toy and fix your situation and this is what I call loving with boundaries just because I love you doesn't doesn't mean that I have to set myself back chhai is it thank you so much just because I love you doesn't mean I got to set me back it doesn't mean that I got to deplete myself of what God has blessed me with and what I've worked for nor does it mean that I have to take out of my time to keep bringing you through the same process it means that I'm gonna love you enough to tell you the truth if you accept it god bless you but if not I'm not bringing your issues your issues are not gonna be mine and I'm not going to allow you to infringe upon my life I don't care blood I don't care nothing about that you have a responsibility to do certain things for yourself and I'm gonna love you on your level with boundaries that even applies to your grown children you can't spend your life trying to manipulate and manage somebody else's life and their crisis and the stuff they create you constantly in the middle of all of that drama trying to fix stuff for people who not even trying to fix nothing for themselves they creating problems for themselves and because they always know you're gonna be there to fix it you got to stop being the fixer you creating problems for them and you their problems automatically become yours that's not healthy that's not healthy Deuteronomy 30:19 says I call heaven and earth to record this day against you that I've set before your life and death blessing and cursing therefore choose life that both thou and thy seed may live what's the driving principle under this text life is choice driven I have to love you enough to let you live by the consequences of your own choices if you choose to live your life on the lowest level I got to love you enough to let you do that and I got to love me enough to be alright with it as long as you alright with it how many of you all are watching me right now who have people that you want more for them than they want for themselves and your desires for them that they don't have for themselves has almost ruined your health you think that's God you think that's wise you think that's smart you think that's the way it's supposed to be done no no if you want if you want to live your life on the lowest level I got to love you enough to let you do that and I got to love me enough to be alright with it and not not to involve it in my daily affairs it cannot live at the front of my mind not gonna live my whole life sitting around here thinking about what you're doing with your life I'm not going with your life that's on you I got to what live my life based on the I've set before you life and death blessing and cursing Jews Jews because loving you does not require that I put my life on hold nor does it require that I allow you to ruin the atmosphere around my life and so I just wanted to share that with you tonight I I was um I just wanted to share that with you tonight let me pray for you because I know that there many of you that are struggling with some of these things and the thing I would say to you is it's a process evolution is a process we are all growing to the next level and evolution is a process be patient with yourself but be diligent about growing and so I want to pray for you tonight father I thank you for just having the opportunity to speak into the lives of so many people and I thank you God that you will allow the words that I speak to become wisdom and even a healing balm for the Soul those dear God that are struggling with some of the things that we discuss tonight maybe they've made some mistakes and maybe they find themselves in a precarious position where they've taken on some of these false responsibilities and they find themselves depleted or overworked unnecessarily god I thank you for giving them wisdom I thank you for putting them in the path of the right people to counsel them and to help them through these issues in these matters in a healthy and positive way god I think you know for doing a brand new thing in all of our lives in Jesus's name Amen now listen go to RC Blake's com sign up for my email blast you would know everything that's going on don't forget to stop by Amazon pick up my books if you've not subscribed to my channel I need y'all to hit it the like thing I need these 40 more y'all let's see if I can get my thumbs up to 400 at least 400 but I need you to who is that some god bless you thank you so much I need you to I need you to also spread the word that Lisa and I will be in London England March 27th and 28th we're going to be there with clean ology and those of you that are anywhere in that area Sunday we had a dear heart visiting with us from aerelon and one visiting with us from Belgium and we have we have people that are coming from all parts of Europe really and we'd love to have we'd love to have you we'd love to meet you and be able to embrace you we're gonna be there on the 27th and 28th it's a Friday and a Saturday Friday night Saturday morning into the afternoon it's going to be amazing go to RC Blake's calm look under live events those of you that are interested in taking the Queen ology cruise with us in July of 2020 you can get that information as well and RSC Blake's calm and I I'll be in Chicago this Saturday morning the Saturday morning I'll be in Chicago my glasses are not work janela god bless you thank you I'll be in Chicago this Saturday morning and if you need that information this is not my event I'm the guest speaker for this event I'm gonna have two hours to present you can get that information at ROC Blake's calm under live events as well and I'd love to see you so I think that's all I have for you those of you that have the Queen ology this is important those of you that have gotten the Queen ology online course very soon it's been edited we create it with the help of dr. Patricia James we create it to go along with the ten sessions in the online course for Queen ology we created a comparable basically it's a complete study guide those of you that have the book you have to study guide you know what I'm talking about well the same has been created for the ten sessions that we have in the course and for those of you that have already purchased it we're gonna upload the the online study guide and what you'll be able to do is if you've gone through all of the sessions you can then go back through the the ten sessions on the study guide and you'll be able to you know determine how much of that information you attain to let's go ask your questions it's gonna give you declarations to make it's going to give you all of the major points that you ought to remember it's gonna be a major addition to the course so very soon it was in the hands of the editor now I just have to accept all of the edits and then we'll be uploading this complete study guide that you can download as a PDF and actually work off of the paper at your house going through the course along with the study guide after every chapter I would suggest you do it like that after every after every session go to that particular session in the study guide and and work through it get a binder put it in it's going to be a major addition I'm trying my best to make certain that I give you the value that you deserve at the same time keeping all of all of my courses and everything in a vicinity where everybody can afford it so that's exciting and so many things to talk about but I've talked enough I love you all thank you so much god bless you I have some things in my spirit that I'm going to share with you about how to just change the energy in your life stick with me we're gonna go somewhere this year 2020 is going to be an amazing year an amazing year give me some thumbs up before you leave out and know that I love you know that Lisa loves you and we're gonna go to the top together alright god bless you I love you so much you know you're not to fix no nobody's the fixer anymore I love you all god bless you

Channel: RC Blakes, Jr

Views: 71,460

Rating: 4.9656653 out of 5

Keywords: Dating Advice, Relationships, Christian, Narcissist, rc blakes

Id: 5sYMz-f517M

Length: 41min 29sec (2489 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 20 2020